UPJOKE
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Mr Jokes

Boxers or Briefs, Mr. President?

In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"

In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama declined to answer the question.

Last week AARP asked Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"? Biden responded, "Depend...

What is Mr. T's favorite month?

April, fools

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Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.



Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.



Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.



"Look," said Mr. Dickson...

A young punctuation couple, Mr. Apostrophe and Mrs. Comma…

A young punctuation couple, Mr. Apostrophe and Mrs. Comma, wanted to have a child, but sadly, could not. So, they decided to adopt a little Period and named him Edward. They loved Edward very much and he grew to be a fine young punctuation mark. However, Edward knew he was different, as he didn't...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.

As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.

Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to a...

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond?”

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

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Mr. S is talking to Mr.B

First time telling a joke here. A bit dry but I find it funny

Mr. S is talking to Mr.B
Mr.B your bathroom is the same exact size like my bathroom. I need to buy tiles, how many boxes did you get when you did yours?

Mr.B: 20 boxes of tiles!

A week later

Mr.S tells Mr....

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson had been happily married for decades, but there was one thing that bothered Mr. Johnson.

They had five sons named Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar. Now Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan were all tall, thin, and handsome, but Edgar was short, fat, and ugly. Throughout his life, Mr. Johnson wondered if Edgar was really his son, but he never built up the courage to ask his wife.

Finally, the day ...

Mr. X checked into a hotel along with his wife

At 11:30 in the night, he called the reception.

He said "My wife is threatening to jump out of the window from the 5th floor."

The Receptionist replied "Sir this is a personal matter we cannot do anything"

Mr. X ROARED "YOU IDIOT!! You think I will ask you to come and handle my ...

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While examining the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."


The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase.

When he gets home, he decides to ...

Mr. Johnson goes to the doctor because he's having trouble performing in the bedroom...

The doctor does a physical exsm and finds nothing wrong. He takes some blood to send to the lab and tells Mr Johnson he'll call with the results in a few days.

When the doctor calls 3 days later, he informs Mr Johnson that his blood work came back fine.

"Oh please doc, what else ca...

Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."...

What’s the name of Mr. T’s girlfriend?

April, fools

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Good luck, Mr. Gorsky

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-...

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Mr Wright (Slightly NSFW)

Read this a while ago, still probably my favourite joke, and felt I should share it for those who haven't seen it before.
A lawyer gets home after a long trial in which it was decided his client-Mr Wright-would be hanged later that night. He is greeted at the door by his wife.
"You're home lat...

"Mr. President, two Brazilian soldiers were killed yesterday in Iraq."

"Oh my God! How many is a Brazilian?"

Mr. Fenwood owns a cow, but has nowhere to pasture her . . .

. . . So he talks to his neighbor, Mr. Potter, and cuts a deal to pasture his cow in Potter's field for $200 per month. Months go by and the cow is happy, but Fenwood hasn't paid Potter anything.

After 10 months, Potter goes to Fenwood to sort things out.

"Listen, you owe me $2000 an...

Albert Einstein challenged Mr. Bean

Einstein said to Mr. Bean: "I'll ask you a question.​If you can't answer correctly, you'll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can't answer correctly, I'll give you 1000 dollars.

Einstein: asks a question.

Mr. Bean after a little while: gives Einstein one dollar.
...

Secret Service no longer yells “Get down, Mr President” any more when the President is under attack

Now they yell “Donald, duck”

Who came between Mr. D and Mr. F?

It's-a Mr. E

You couldn’t make a show like Mr Ed anymore…

There are no more talking horses

Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."

Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?"

The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."

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Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! An...

How many ears did Mr Spock have?

A left ear, a right ear and a final front ear.

Why was Mr. Information sad?

Because everyone was spreading Ms. Information

What does Mr. Miyagi do when he gets home from a date?

He wax off

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

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Mr. Jones and Mr. Smith

Two men of a certain age, Mr. Jones and Mr. Smith, would often meet at the local town park where they would sit on a bench and feed the pigeons.

They became friends.

One day when they met, Mr. Jones was very happy and excited and asked Mr. Smith

\- “Have you ever tried Viagra...

Mr. Kotter and his secretary go to a convention...

When they check into their hotel rooms, the attendant said since they were late, they gave one of the rooms to another guest. They only had a double bed, but if they can wait, they can move another bed into the room. In the middle of the night, the secretary called to Mr Kotter, "can you please clo...

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. 

“Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...

What does Mr. T say when he sees a fat lady at a bar?

I pity the stool!

Girls call me Mr. Microsoft

because I have a 3.5 inch floppy

Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City. He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.

"Wh-what are you doing?!" sputtered Mr. Johnson. "I specifically booked this seat! Why aren't you sitting in your seat?!"

The blonde woman replied, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I'm sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City."

Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blo...

Mr Singh walks into a bank London and asks for the loan officer.

He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million pounds.

“The car is parked on the street in fro...

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Right...

A judge calls opposing council into his chambers . . .

. . . and says "Gentlemen, I've called you here to discuss a very serious matter. Both of you have given me bribes to influence my decision".

The lawyers begin to squirm in their seats.

"Mr. Morgenstern, you have given me $40,000 to rule in your favor, and Mr. Atkinson, you have given ...

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

I am dreading the time when Mr. Musk's scandal come out.

I just know Elon-gate will keep stretching on.

Following the advice of his doctor, Mr. Johnson moved to Florida.

When he arrived in his new Florida home, Mr. Johnson met his next door neighbour. His new neighbor was a man around his age, but he had a full head of hair and appeared to be very strong.

"Hello," Mr. Johnson said to his new neighbour. "Is Florida as healthy as my doctor says it is?"

"...

Donald Trump visits an elementary school...

Donald Trump is visiting a elementary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One li...

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Mr. Bear, Mr. Rabbit and the Golden Frog.

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. H...

A small town lawyer called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a 80 year old woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Singh, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Kulkarni. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not kn...

There once lived a Mr. Wrong

Since he was a wee lad, Mr. Wrong had it tough. He was a bright, brilliant young boy, but to his mother he would never be enough. Worse still, she'd make all sorts of outlandish statements to rub it into him that he would never amount to anything.

Mr. Wrong was tenacious though, as he'd delib...

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RIP Mr. Schwartz

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest penis he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impress...

What kind of car did Mr. Miyagi drive?

Focus, Daniel-san

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully,"

the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week. ". "That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself. "

Where does Mr Frog go when he gets really ill?

The hopital.

A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “what can I get for you, Mr Zelensky?”

Credit to u/DrDerpberg

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'Hey Mr Tambourine man play a song for me...'

'What, on a fucking tambourine?'

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Old Mr. Rutledge died peacefully in his sleep and was taken to the morgue.

While fixing him up for the funeral, the mortician naturally got a look at the old dead man naked. He was so awestruck at the size of Rutledge's penis that he called his assistant in. Wow, good on you, Mr. Rutledge! That thing's gotta be the size of a baseball bat!" the assistant commented.

L...

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Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip....

On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital.

Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery.

After many hours of wa...

Mr Singh walks into a bar

_*Mr Singh walks into a bar in London , orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.*_

_*When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; ...

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit were walking in the woods...

They didnt like each other so much and were arguing the entire time until they found a magic frog.

The frog was surprised. \`No one ever found me before\` said the frog. \`As is, I now have to grant you three wishes each\`

Both the bear and the rabbit were delighted, and quickly stoppe...

Mr. and Mrs. Keaton notice the young man staying next door always kisses his girlfriend every morning before heading to work.

"Why don't you do that?" Mrs.Keaton asks her husband.

"Darling, I don't even know the woman."

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A Jewish man buys a lottery ticket and wins.

After the news heard about this amazing stroke of luck, they went to go and interview him.

The news reporter asked, "Mr. Goldberg, you have just won $1 million. What are you going to do with all this money?"

The Jewish man responds with, "Well, I'm going to give half of it to my family...

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As told to me by an 85 year old shriner clown.

Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "gee Susie, what's going on?"

Susie says "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious."

Mr. Johnson asks "why are you digging a hole?"

Susie replies "I'm burying my gol...

Mr. Meyer sees a young boy crying bitterly on the street.

"Why are you crying?" He asks him. "What has happened?"

"I lost a coin and I can not find it," says the boy.

"There there little one, don't cry." He says, handing the boy something.

"Here's a matchstick in case you can't find it by nightfall."

The story of how I met Mr Ache.

There once was a man, funnier than anybody else. People knew him as Mr Ache. Some would travel from far and wide to learn the art of telling a joke from this guy. He might just have been the funniest guy who ever lived.

One day, I decided I wanted to make a post on r/Jokes. I packed up my thi...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

Secretary of defense: Mr. President, 10 Brazilian soldiers died in Iraq yesterday.

George Bush was very distraught. His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

George Bush, finally looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

What’s a good name for a detective?

Mr. E

* My 9 year old daughter came up with this, so please be kind

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"

-"A little early isn't it, Woody?"

-"For a beer?"

-"No, for stupid questions."

My coworkers at my place of work have given me a nickname “Mr. Compromise”.

It wasn’t my first choice, but I guess I’m ok with it.

Ladies I have some wisdom for you. When you meet that special man, when you meet that Mr. Right, it's not just about the size...

It's also about the cut,



the color, and the clarity.

Did you know? If Mr T converts to become a jewish minister, he will also be transformed into a lagomorph.

That's right, he becomes a Rabbi T.

Mr.Rogers once was on a cruise ship, and fell overboard into the ocean



He was then carried safely to shore by a family of sharks.

“Mr. President, good news, we can fix the bridge.”

“And the bad news?”

“We need your long table for that.”

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Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

Mr. Putin Goes to School

One day Vladimir Putin arrived at an elementary school, where he gave a lecture on all the reasons why Russia, under his leadership, is the best country in the world. After the lecture, he invited the children to ask him questions, and almost everyone raised their hand enthusiastically - after all, ...

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The couple was watching television at night.

The husband says, "Can I know why you've been sulking since I arrived?" And, angrily, the wife responds, "Today we celebrate 25 years of marriage, and here we are, standing in front of this television."

"MY GOD! I was so busy that I completely forgot! Forgive me, my dear. Go put on your...

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

"Mr. Clark Kent your son was hit by a car."

"That's terrible, is the driver alright?"

What did Mr. Peanut say to his wife??

Don't worry, I'll be back in a JIF

One day Mr. Johnson was sitting alone in his house when the phone rang. Mr. Johnson answered it. "Who is this?" he asked.

"I am the viper," said the voice on the other line. "I'll be at your house in an hour."

Mr. Johnson laughed and hung up the phone. "He's just playing a prank on me," he said, and went back to what he was doing.

Fifteen minutes later, the phone rang again. "Who is this?" asked Mr. Johns...

Why did Mr. Ohm marry Mrs. Ohm?

Because he couldn't resistor...



Happy Dad's Day!

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other.

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit live in the same forest, but they don't like each other.
One day, they come across a golden frog who offers them three wishes each.
Mr. Bear wishes that all the other bears in the forest were female. Mr. Rabbit wishes for a crash helmet.
Mr. Bear's second wish is th...

What did Mr. T say after throwing five $10 bills off the diving board?

I fitty da pool!

Why did Mr. New York enjoy putting hats on other men?

He was man-hattin'!

Secretary walks into the President's room

Secretary: Mr.President, Hurricane Florence is causing trouble.
Trump: Offer her the same deal as Stormy Daniels.

Know why Mrs. Bunny likes Mr. Bunny?

Because he always Easter out.

What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?

The Captains log.....

Mr Munger

Mr. Munger is lying poolside at the country club when the club manager approached him. "Mr. Munger, some of the other members have been complaining about you peeing in the pool," said the manager. "Oh c'mon," said Munger. "Why are you you singling me out? I'll bet everyone here pees in the pool!" Th...

I got mail from Mr. T saying that he was getting rid of all of his gold necklaces and he wanted me to share that with ten of my friends.

It was a chain letter.

The sleeper, the pastor and Adam's stick

Mr. Smith and the pastor discuss the problem that Mrs. Smith always falls asleep during the sermon. The pastor gives Mr. Smith a hatpin and recommends that he prick her as soon as he receives a sign from the pastor.

The following Sunday, Mrs. Smith has fallen asleep peacefully, the pastor ask...

If Mr. Miyagi was a plastic surgeon, what would his slogan be?

Racks on, racks off.

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“I’m constipated, Mr. Holmes.”

“So then you haven’t been able to move your bowels, Dr. Watson?”

“Yes, no shit Sherlock.”

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What do you call sex with an immigrant?

Foreignercation

Foreigner-cation, for those not seeing it. Props to ImMrSneezyAchoo.

Why doesn't Mrs. Clean get pregnant?

Because Mr. Clean comes in a bottle.

The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they spe...

A Jewish shop owner in a largely Christian town hears a knock on the door.

He opens, and sees representatives of the local church.

\- Excuse us, Mr. Shainski, - they say. - Our church is in a bad state now, so we decided to build a new one. Seeing as you are known as a very wealthy and generous person, could you spare anything?

Shainski thinks. On the one han...

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...

Mahatma Gandhi's sass

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “argum...

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

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Three men are walking through the jungle, Mr. A, Mr. B and Mr. C.

Three men are walking through the jungle, Mr. A, Mr. B and Mr. C.

Suddenly the 3 men are surrounded by a group of natives and quickly escorted back to the tribal leader.

The tribal leader says "in order to survive you must pass a test. If the total length of your penises doesn't add up...

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Looking for good president jokes.

Please post jokes that can't be just copy-pasted from one administration to another.

Here, I'll start.

George Bush and Dick Cheney stopped in to a small diner for breakfast while touring through the country.

The waitress comes to take their orders. Cheney orders an omelette. Sh...

Mr. Pott was an average man, with an extraordinary skin condition

One day Mr. Pott (legend says his first name was Arthur) went to the doctor to get his skin checked out. He said "Doctor, I have a very odd skin condition. Multiple times a day, my skin will puff up and get all red almost instantly, with no warning."

The doctor thought this was very odd, and ...

Titles of books you probably don't want your kid to read.

"You're Different and That's Bad."

"Why cant Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Socket be Friends?"

"Let's Find and Play With Mommy and Daddy's Toys."

What did Mr Velocity say to Mr Speed when he got back from the gym?

You're an absolute unit

What do you call wife of Mr. Sippy?

Mississippi.

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A white man, a black man and an orange man walk into the bar.

The white man goes up to the bar to order a whiskey. The barman goes, "Hey, aren't you George Bush?"
"Yes, I am" he replies. "Well Mr. President it's an honor."
Then the black man goes up to the bar to get his drink. "Hey, aren't you Barack Obama?" asks the barman. "Yes I am", Obama responds....

Mr. Bean's first name

Fun Fact : Mr. Bean's first name is Mr. As seen on his passport in the movie.

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

Mr and Mrs Wong have a baby

When the baby is born, Mr Wong immediately knows that Mrs Wong has cheated on him...
Because two Wongs don’t make a white.

Did you know Mr. T is a big Star Wars fan?

So much so that he named his kid Boba.

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Ivy League School Principal, Mr. Marquez, and Community College Principal, Mr. Davidson, were arguing that their respective students were the most fearless.

Ivy League school principal called his students and asked them to jump in sea full of sharks.

They jumped.

Principal said: “See the guts…”

Community College principal called his students and asked them to jump.

They said: "Have you completely lost your marbles, Mr. Davids...

Mr. Flatery walks into a pub

Mr. Flatery walks into a pub, bartender looks up and says "That's quite a shiner you have there, who gave that to you?" "Mr. Falstaf gave it to me" he replied. "That's quite a bute, did he have anything in his hand when he gave that to you?" Asked the barkeep"Aye, he had a shovel in his hand, he did...

Mr. And Mrs. Jones were on a safari

in the darkest part of Africa. They were walking cautiously through the jungle when suddenly a huge lion sprang out in front of them, seized Mrs. Jones in its jaws and started to drag her off into the bush. "Shoot!" She screamed to her husband, "shoot!" "I can't!", he yelled back "My phone battery j...

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Mr. Johnson goes to the doctor (nsfw)

He has had a stutter since he was 12.

"D-d-d-doctor help me."

He gets an exam and the doctor tells him his penis is so large, the weight pulls on his vocal chords. After a brief discussion they decide a reduction is in order.

Mr Johnson says "th-th-th-thank you doctor."

...

What's the difference between an actress and a hooker.

That's not a very good defence Mr Weinstein.

Why can’t Mr. Ed talk about why he was arrested?

He was feeling a little horse

Someone tried to send me an NFT of Mr. Ed

But I know better than to look a GIF horse in the mouth

Mr Darcy, Victor Frankenstein, and Gandalf where standing in a queue, waiting to get into a club, when ...

... an ampersand walks past them, nods to the bouncer, and is let in immediately.

Mr Darcy scoffs and turns to his companions.

"He must be some kind of special character."

What nationality is Mr Sheen?

Polish.

Mr. Smith

Mr. Smith climbed to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.

Looking up, he asked the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replied, "A minute."

Smith asked, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replied, "A pen...

Mr. Bean and Einstein are playing a game

"Shall we play a game?" Einstein asked.

Mr. Bean nodded.

"Here are the rules: I will ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me a dollar. Then you ask me a question and if I can't answer it, I will give you $1000," said Einstein.

"Ok," said Mr. Bean.

"A...

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