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What’s the difference between the first wife and the second wife?

The second wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

A man heard his friend had lost two wives in two years. He felt bad so he called to give his condolences. He asked "how'd your first wife die?" "She ate poison mushrooms." "What about you second wife?" "She died of blunt trauma to the head." "Why would that have happened?''

"She wouldn't eat her mushrooms."

Albert Einstein once published a paper about why he married his second wife.

I call it: The Theory of Relativity.

Einstein's second wife was his cousin ...

... so I guess sometimes love is relative.

Why is Jonny Depp’s second wife no longer suing him?

In the last couple months he developed Heard Immunity

My second wife never really was on time for anything

She would just Anne Boleyn

My wife has allowed me to take a second wife...

...if I can get clearance document from Saudi Arabian consulate.

My second wife left me because I have "revenge issues"

We'll see about that...

I can't believe how supportive my wife was after telling her I was going to take a second wife

She said it was bigamy.

My first wife died from eating poison mushrooms; my second wife died of a fractured skull...

She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.

Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room

Me: How old are your kids?

Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13.

Me: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grand kids, so I made my own.

A man goes to a marriage agency to see about finding a wife...

The agency man (AM) who works there greets him and starts to ask him the usual questions to get to know him. Name, age, that kind of thing. He also asks him -

AM - "So, you have been married before?"

"Twice" the man responds.

AM - "Ah ok. I see. So what happened to your previous...

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A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman. A man was sitting in his therapist’s office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.

He says, “well the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled ‘HARDER! STRONGER! KEEP UP THAT HEART RATE!’ and at some point I just couldn’t keep up... so we split.”

“Well,” said the therapist, “what about the sec...

A man goes to a cemetery

He asks to buy a plot for his deceased wife. The sales guy looks confused and says “but your wife died 10 years ago and is already buried here.”
The man replies that he needs a plot for his second wife, whom he married 4 years ago.
The salesman says, “Oh, I didn’t know you remarried. Congratul...

I’ve always had bad luck with women.

My first wife died and now my second wife won’t.

Long... Three builders...

Three builders are working on top of a tall building and decide to break for lunch. First guy opens his lunchbox and sees a ham and cheese sandwich. "I'm sick and tired of ham and cheese sandwiches, that's two weeks in a row now with nothing but ham and cheese sandwiches, if I get this tomorrow I'm ...

Army Joke?

I guess this joke is pretty popular in the armed forces, so I apologize if this is a repeat!

So anyways, once there was a guy, let’s call him Steve. So Steve has always had trouble with women. His first wife left him, his second wife passed away, and his third ended up having an affair. Feeli...

A Native American Chief has three sons by three wives.

The first wife is lying on a bear hide and gives birth to a beautiful 5-pound son.

The second wife is lying on a deer hide and gives birth to a handsome 5-pound son.

The third wife is lying on a hippo hide and gives birth to a swarthy 10-pound son.

So, the son of the squaw of th...

I was explaining to my third wife that I had been married twice before, and that both marriages tragically ended in death.

Intrigued, the wife asks “How did they die?”

I explain “My first wife died after eating poisoned mushrooms while we were on our honeymoon.”

She says “I’m so sorry to hear that. What about the second wife?”

I respond with “She died of a mortal head injury. Fortunately for her, he...

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches...

Three construction workers have had it with their sandwiches being the same for the last 20 years! So they struck a deal, if their wives make them same sandwiches yet again, tomorrow, they're gonna throw themselves off the building.

So tomorrow comes, and one opens his lunchbox, sees the same...

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Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess...

Three construction workers

three construction workers are having a break, building a large complex. the first says:"dammit, my sandwich has ham again. if I get one again tomorrow, I will jump off, I swear." the second one says:"I got eggs again. if I get eggs again, I'm going to jump off." the third said:"pickles. dammit, if ...

Two old friends who hadn’t seen each other for decades meet up one day. Bob says, “What’s new?” Ralph says, “I’ve been married three times. All three wives died.”

“All three...what happened?”

“My first wife died from eating poison mushrooms. My second wife died from eating poison mushrooms. My third wife died from a blow to the head.”

“A blow to the head...what happened?”

“She wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

(With thanks to Henny Youn...

Joke (Dark) The widow in mourning.

My co-worker had just lost his wife.
After he came back to work, I went to speak to him and give my condolences.

Me: Really sorry to hear about your wife

Co-worker: It's OK, I will survive. This is not the first time it has happened.

I was surprised.

Me: Sorry, I did...

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and he sees this sad guy sitting there, so he decides to cheer him up.

He goes and sits down, asks him what is troubling him. The guy replies "I lost my third wife"

Nice guy responds "Damn man that's horrible, if you dont mind me asking, what happened to the firs...

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Three wives were having a girls night

After a bottle of wine they started to discuss their sex lives,


One of the says :"Girls yesterday I noticed my husband's balls were cold, how weird is that?"

"No way!" Said the second wife " I have to check it tonight, ill tell you tomorrow if it's true"

They met again tommo...

I've had 3 wives over the course of my life.

My first wife, I married in Vegas. We were both drunk and the marriage didn't even last a day. I never saw her again.



My second wife was my best friend of many years, and our marriage lasted 5 more. Eventually, we decided that marriage wasn't for us, and we were fine just being friend...

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A man is at his wife's funeral

"My condolences. I can't imagine how terrible it must've been to lose a wife."

"That's okay, I'm used to it. This is the fourth time I got married and my wife died. My first wife died after eating a venomous mushroom."

"How about your second wife?"

"She ate a venomous mushroom."...

Lonely guy...

Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult

community, are curious about the latest arrival in their

building -- a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to

himself.

Shirley says," Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go

over to him at the p...

Three wives are having drinks at bar.

After a few drinks they begin comparing their husbands to soda.

The first wife says "Well, my husband would be 7-UP. He's seven inches and straight up."

The second wife thinks for a second and says "Mountain Dew. He's always mounting me and we're always doing it."

After a coup...

I've been in two unhappy marriages...

My first wife left me, and my second wife won't ;)

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