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Sec Jokes

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

Why didn’t the derivative of sec(x) go to the beach?

Because secant tan.

"Who's Sisyphus?" she asks. You begin to respond: "it's this myth about a guy being punished in the underworld where he has to-"

Her phone rings.

"One second," she says. A few minutes later, she prompts you to continue: "I'm sorry, I cut you off."

You start again. "Sisyphus is a-"

Her phone rings again. "Sorry, one sec."

The SEC Office of the Whistlerblower should get a new marketing slogan

Snitches get Riches.

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The SEC has fined two executives for having a threesome with a prostitute.

While such matters are usually out of their jurisdiction, this was a case of inside her trading.

I nutted in my girlfriend in 3.14 secs

She asked me, what just happened to which i replied “cream π” .

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Two economists are walking in a forest when they Come across a pile of shit.

Two economists are walking in a forest when they Come across a pile of shit.

The first economist says to the other "Ill pay you $100 to eat that pile of shit." The second economist takes the $100 and eats the pile of shit.

They continue walking until they come across a second pile of...

so a guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over.

he comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you'll be needing my license and registration."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggl...

A man called the hotel manager...

He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".

I just gave my gf the best 1hr 30 secs of her life

Shoutout to daylight saving time

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

God is funny

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?"

God said yes.

The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?"


God said yes.

The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "Sure, just a second...

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Two students are waiting to give their oral tests...

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Examiner- Suppose you are traveling by train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Examiner- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is 10 sq. ft, the volume of the car is 1000 cubi...

I just got fired for trying to be flexible at work.

My manager asked me to give him a sec so I told him, "I'll give you all the secs you need."

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 

The four brothers walked...

A German gets to border security...

Border guard: "Occupation?"

The German: "No, just visiting"

Genie: Whats your first wish?

Joe: I want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: I want lots of money

My partner was afraid that I was cheating, which I wasn’t.

She came to me one evening, very serious. I knew something was going on. She asked, in that tone that instantly puts a lump in your throat, “I suspect you’ve been unfaithful. Do you have a sec to talk?”

I wanted her to know she has my full attention, so I replied, “I have a lot of secs!”
<...

My boss knocked on my office door and asked if I had a sec...

I told her I have lots of secs. Now I'm looking for a job.

How many SEC football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

1. And they get 3 credits for it.

Microwave Marriage (OC one-liner)

My Fiance and I were both grabbing leftovers from the fridge. Hers was going to need about 3 minutes, my Mac n cheese only needed like 30 secs.

I deferred to her, as one does to make the wife-to-be happy. She deferred back and says "**Just zap your stuff and then I'll take my time zapping my ...

OP. Got kicked off an electrical job today.

Lady wanted me to check the light fixture in her bedroom. I set up my ladder under the fixture and removed the cover, then asked if she could turn on the switch at the door. Being out in hallway, she said, “Give me a sec.” I smiled and told her I’d give her all the ‘secs’ she wanted.

I told my husband I was going to weight training tomorrow...

He said hold on, just hold on a sec, hold on a little longer. Then he said “I’m giving you wait training now”

That literally just happened.

A mechanic, an engineer and a Microsoft developer are driving in the middle of nowhere

when a tire burst. They stop and check the trunk : no spare wheel.

The mechanic say: well, looks like we have to walk back to the last village we crossed and call a tow truck.

The engineer: wait a sec, we should not rush. Let’s analyse all our options and evaluate the probability of ea...

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator...

He puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside, leave them there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?" The crowd mumurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and pl...

A man is away on vacation and phones his brother to see how things are at home.

\-Hi Gary, how's everything going?

\-Oh, not so good. To start your cat died and...

\-Hold on a sec, Gary. You don't ruin someone's vacation and give bad news just like that. You have to be subtle. You could've just said "Oh, the cat's up on the roof right now" or something, so I do...

Did you hear about the kid who was afraid of monsters under the bed?

The kid's parents taught him to call under the bed every night and ask "Are there any monsters down there?". If you don't hear an answer, then you can go to sleep and know that it is safe.

Well, One night his parents went out and he was stuck with a stupid baby sitter. She completely ignored...

A man bids on a rare antique, item 23 in the catalogue, upon which he is incorrectly named the winner of the auction; the error is fixed five seconds later

Won two three for five secs.

Confederate states be like

When you try your best but you don’t secede.

Two friends Sam and Terry are spending the day together

As they are walking home down an empty street they find themselves at gunpoint with a mugger asking for their wallets.

As they take out their wallets Sam says "One sec" He takes a 20 out of his wallet and gives it to Terry

"Here's the 20 I owe you"

Husband and wife are in bed when...

The husband tries to get some, and the wife stops him abruptly and says. No we can't, I have to go to the gynecologist tomorrow and I wanna be all nice and fresh.

The husband stops and thinks for a sec and says.

Well you ain't gotta go to the dentist tomorrow do ya?

Melvin capital was caught with their pants down by the short squeeze

but it seems the SEC didn’t like seeing a full debriefing

What do you call it when you rush to say a joke before you finish formulating the punchline in your head?

Wait don't click this post yet i'm thinking 1 sec

A group of bricklayers a fixing up a nunnery

The abbess tells the sister cook to to cook up a meal for the hard working men, but before she gives it to them she should test their knowlege of the Bible. So she cooks lunch and carries it out to the workers. She spots one of them and asks him

"Good man, do you know Pontius Pilate?"

...

It's 1961 and Chuck knocks on his prom date's door.

Her dad opens it and invites him in.

"So, you're taking our Betty to her first prom?" he asks, sternly.

Chuck nervously stutters "y-yes sir."

"She'll be down in a sec. But let's have a chat while we wait."

Chuck slumps in the nearest chair, waiting for the inevitable tal...

You Want to hear a joke about cash machines?

Wait a sec... I can't think of one ATM

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone rang the doorbell while I was masturbating...

"One sec, I'm coming!"

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My mind is occupied by two things only,1. self pity

2. masturbation - which eventually drops down to self pity in about 10 sec

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An old man sees little Johnny walking down the street

And old man sees little Johnny walking down the street. Under his arm he's got a bundle of chicken wire

Old man "hey Johnny, where you going with that chicken wire?"

Johnny "to catch some chickens o' course!"

Old man "not really how that works, but okay! Good luck young whippe...

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So a drug dealer is being raided..

The police storm in, securing all the rooms in the house. One kicks open the bathroom door and catches a guy standing next to the toilet with a baggie full of cocaine.

"Freeze, asshole!" The cop shouts, aiming his gun at the guy.

"Ok, ok. You got me" the guy says, "but you need to li...

What was the tiny golf course measured in?

Par secs

Girl, are you the secant of angle Z?

Cuz you sure are sec(Z)

Hey guys want to hear a funny joke?

Gimme a sec, just tryin' to copy-paste my entire life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

911, what's your emergency?

"I'm masturbating too much."

Sir that's not really a problem.

"One sec. HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE."

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