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Guts Jokes

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The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

That takes GUTS!

A General from the Army, Air Force, Marines and an Admiral all get together to decide which branch has the most guts.

The Army General says watch this."Private, Go stand in the middle of that shooting range while I commense a firing drill and don't move.""Yes, Sir!"replies the private as he ...

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“If you don’t do it you might regret it” said the heart. “But you might get hurt” spoke the brain. “We think you should go for it” said the guts

“Just what the HELL was that?!?” protested the anus.

A wife is yelling at her housband “Get out! I hate your guts!”

So her husband packs up his things and walks out the door.

As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “ I hope you die a slow and painful death!”

He suddenly stops and says, “So, you want me to stay?”

Mummy! I hate my brother's guts!

Well, leave them on the side of your plate then!

This joke was told to me 60 years ago by my then 3 year old brother. He still finds it funny!

4 people fighting to sit on the Throne. There's blood, there's guts, there's nudity.

Gonna have to face the facts.

I'm a terrible cook.

Mummy, Mummy, I hate daddy's guts

Then push them to the side of your plate!

Kid: “I hate daddy’s guts!”

Mom: “then eat around them.”

It takes guts...

...to be an organ donor.

I don't have guts to repost.

Said the online butcher.

A little girl says to her mother "mommy, I hate daddy's guts!"

Her mother replies "shut up and keep eating."

Sorry if this has been posted already, a teacher of mine told my class this and i had to share!

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

The Welsh invented the condom using sheep's guts

But the English improved upon the idea by taking them out of the sheep

One time I was walking in the woods and accidentally stepped in some deer guts...

...it was just offal.

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Fart your guts out

A couple who had been married for several years now, were preparing to spend another Thanksgiving together. The woman was running around the kitchen trying to get the meal prepared to perfection when her husband came in the room, grabbed a devilled egg and let out a rumbling fart.

These farts...

Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...

And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgi...

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Fart your guts out

There was a husband and a wife. As they grew older, the husband would let out the nastiest farts in the world, and the wife grew sick of it. One Thanksgiving, she couldn't cook or even look at the food, because his farts were so terrible that she'd want to throw up.

She asked him, "How can y...

You know what really takes guts?

Digestion.

Mommy I hate Daddy’s guts!

Shut up and eat what’s put in front of you.

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

It took guts to buy the new iPhone X

Specifically, both my kidneys, my pancreas, and my large intestine.

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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything ins...

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A woman was sick and tired of hearing her husband fart all night long and repeatedly told him that he'd shit his guts out one day.

He kept doing it, so she bought an entire sack of pigs intestines from the butcher and put them in the man's underwear when he was asleep. When she awoke the next morning, he said, "You were right honey, I DID shit my guts out! But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I was able to push th...

What's the Difference Between Guts and Balls?

Guts is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk meeting your wife at the door with a broom in her hand and asking her if she's still cleaning the house or going out for a ride.

Balls is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk with lipstick all over your face and the scent of w...

It takes guts to be a forensic scientist.

A lot of guts. Everywhere.

I found out there are people who eat animal guts and entrails.

I think that's offal.

What's a coward on one side, has guts all over in the middle, and doesn't exist on the other side?

The chicken crossing the road who got hit by a truck halfway across.

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What did the bullfighter shout just as a bull gored his guts out?

Olé shit!

Why don’t skeletons fight each other?

Because they don’t have the guts.

Parrot on a plane

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him.

He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, 'And get me a coke, you cow!' The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When t...

A woman was sick of her husband always farting in bed...

she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one C...

I have just found out that my boss has been telling people that I hallucinate

He didn't have the guts to say anything to me, directly.

A little bird told me

"A Bone-Tickling Riddle: Why Skeletons Refuse to Battle?

**Why don't skeletons fight each other?**

**They don't have the guts!**

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Three Friends Goes On A Hunting Trip.

3 friends are on a hunting trip in the woods. After a successful day, they brought a buck back to their camp to field dress. They then proceed to get drunk and are having a all around good time. One of the hunters announces that he has to take a shit, so he shuffles off into the woods for privacy. S...

Thanksgiving An old couple had been married for 50 years. Every morning (without fail) the man produced a massive fart when he got out of bed and then laughed like a madman.

Also every morning, his wife would admonish him: "One of these days you're going to fart your guts out."

It's Thanksgiving morning. The old man is sleeping in and the old lady is in the initial steps of preparing the turkey. While she has a handful of turkey innards, she gets an idea:

...

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[NSFW] [Long]A newly wed couple movies in with each other for the first time...

A newly wed couple moves in with each other for the first time and are going through the normal aches and pains of learning to live with someone new.

For the most part, everything is going well. No big disagreements, a couple of small annoying habits, but nothing major. Though, after several ...

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Molly gets Paddy to stop drinking

Paddy was a terrible drunkard, and Molly had just about had her fill. One day when Paddy was passed out, Molly asked the doctor if he could say something to make him stop drinking. So when Paddy woke up, the doctor said "now Paddy, if you keep drinking like this, your guts are going to fall out an...

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Three surgeons are talking about their favorite kinds of patients.

"My favorite patients are librarians." says the first surgeon. "They're easy to operate on because their organs are all in alphabetical order."

"My favorite patients are mathematicians." says the second surgeon. "They're easy to operate on because all their organs are numbered."

"My fa...

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A man walks into a bar

orders a drink. Downs it really quickly. Orders another. Downs that one too.

The bartender says “Hey, buddy, are you okay?”

The man says “No, honestly, I’m not. I wanted to surprise my wife, and… I caught her in bed with another man.”

The bartender says “Oh, man, that’s awful! W...

Every morning when this woman's husband wakes up he let's a loud and horribly smelling fart.

She tells him over and over "some day you're going to fart your guts out!"
Her husband just laughs and brushes it off.

This goes on for months until Thanksgiving comes around and she is preparing the turkey. The woman gets this idea. Her husband is still sleeping so she grabs the turkey gu...

Why was the Jack O’Lantern scared?

Because it didn’t have guts!

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Boudreaux and Thibodeau go hunting one weekend

While out in the woods, they are able to track and kill a deer that morning. While Thibodeau is gutting the deer, Boudreaux feels nature’s call and tells Thibodeau he has to go pop a squat. So, Boudreaux finds a tree a little bit away and does his business. However, he falls asleep!

Thibodeau...

A bug hit my windshield, I know the last thing that went trough its mind.

His guts

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A woman was in bed with her husband.

Every night, the husband farts in his sleep. His farts were so loud and disgusting that, most nights, she couldn't sleep at night.

One day, she tries to tell him "honey, please stop farting in bed. It's hard to sleep when just as I'm about to get some rest I hear this sudden *POOMPH* from yo...

I can’t be in the national organ donor program.

I just don’t have the guts.

I give Will Smith credit…

It takes guts to stand up and defend another man’s woman like that.

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Joe, Chris, and Adam go on a weekend hunting trip

As they are all sitting around the fire telling tall tales, cleaning their guns, and celebrating their successes, Joe suddenly finds himself overwhelmed by nature's call and strikes off into the woods to relieve himself.

Chris and Adam talk about everything and nothing and how their families...

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Ivy League School Principal, Mr. Marquez, and Community College Principal, Mr. Davidson, were arguing that their respective students were the most fearless.

Ivy League school principal called his students and asked them to jump in sea full of sharks.

They jumped.

Principal said: “See the guts…”

Community College principal called his students and asked them to jump.

They said: "Have you completely lost your marbles, Mr. Davids...

(Mentions of gore) Once upon a time, there was a very brave but very arrogant man…

This man claimed he could survive anything. He survived falls from various heights, various guns, sharp objects and even acid.

One day, he declared he was going to survive a steamroller. So this brave man went in the roller’s path…

He sadly died that day, but the most important thing ...

Why did the toad cross the road?

.
.

He wanted to prove to his friends he had guts.

Today I learned skeletons are actually barred from joining NASA

Apperantly the job takes guts.

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