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Beach Jokes

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On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.

"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."

"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to the...

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Two elderly Jewish strangers are standing at adjacent urinals

In a kosher deli in Miami Beach.
Abe: "You're from Brooklyn, aren't you?"

Eli (startled and puzzled) "Yes, but how..."
Abe: "And you attended Temple Beth Shalom, right?"

Eli: "That's remarkable!"

Abe: "And you were circumcised by Rabbi Boronofski, right?"

Eli: "This...

Nobody was scared when the clown invasion started at the beach

”I mean, it’s just one boat” they said. ”How bad can it be?”.

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A man with no arms and no legs is sunbathing on the beach

A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”

He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”

She leans over and gives him a big hug.

“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.

Once ...

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Weekend at the beach

So, three couples decide to go to the beach for the weekend. When they get there, there are only two rooms available at the hotel so they decide to split up - three women in one room, three men in the other. At around midnight, one of the guys says outload "guys I gotta go visit my wife". The second...

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This white dude gets engaged, and decides to take a solo vacation to Jamaica.

Before he leaves, he gets his fiancé’s name, Wendy, tattooed on his prick. He has the tattoo artist make it so, that when he’s flaccid, his tattoo would spell WNY. When he was erect, it would spell out her full name. He arrives in Jamaica, and is having the time of his life. While at one of the nude...

What do you call a waffle on the beach?

A San Diego.

Indian taxi driver

A drunken, totally naked, woman jumped into a taxi at Park Beach Plaza in Coffs Harbour.

The Indian driver shook his head, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

"What are you staring at, Luv, haven't you ever seen a woman with no clot...

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A little girl and her mommy go to the beach…

She looks behind a rock where two dogs are fucking and says ”What are they doing Mommy?”
Mommy says “they’re.. um.. they’re making cupcakes!” “Oh!”, the little girl cried.

Later they go to the zoo and see monkeys fucking. “What are they doing Mommy?” Mom says “They’re making cupcakes, Swe...

A man was driving down the road when an officer stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You need to take them to the zoo,” the officer said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled ...

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A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach... (Warning: dark humor)

Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?”

The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!”

So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long whi...

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

Yo mama's so fat

when she goes to the beach, Greenpeace shows up to try and drag her back into the ocean.

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A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.

A woman passes by and remarks "If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ..." He replies "If you were any sort of sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself!"

An aquaphile joke

A life guard runs up to their supervisor: Boss! The beach is being over run by aquaphiles. They are coming in waves!

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...

How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach?

It’s not hard

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A biologist, physicist, and a chemist all go to the beach for the first time.

The physicist, upon seeing the majestic waves, exclaims,
"Behold! I wonder how much force the waves of the ocean can produce?"

And so he dives into the water but is never seen again.


The biologist, upon seeing fish in the water, cries out,
"I wonder how many life forms live i...

A man gets shipwrecked on a desert island with only a dog and a pig…

…after many weeks without the touch of a woman - the pig begins to look very attractive. One night, the deprived man begins to chance his luck with the pig. Over dinner, he tweaks its tail, plays footsie with its trotters, and cuddles in close. The dog, witnessing all this, becomes very jealous, and...

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3 men are granted 3 wishes

3 men stumble upon a lamp and they rub it, and out comes a genie. The genie says

"I will grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man thinks long and hard, and then says

"I want to have a million dollars"

The genie snaps his fingers and poof, the man now has a million dol...

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There once was a man named Dave…

… who lived alone in a small apartment. He was lonely and bored, so he decided to adopt a dog from the local shelter. He went there and saw many dogs of different breeds and sizes, but none of them caught his eye. Then he noticed a large, shaggy dog in the corner of the cage. It had long fur that co...

Two Blonde Revenge Jokes

\#1

3 blondes are walking on the beach and find a bottle with a genie in it. Genie says he can only grant 3 wishes, so they each get one. First blonde wishes to be 50% smarter than she is right now, genie turns her hair light brown. Second blonde wishes to be 75% smarter than she is right no...

Why didn’t the derivative of sec(x) go to the beach?

Because secant tan.

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After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long stay at a swanky resort

While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.


Joe approached the man, and seized his hand....

Heard a Beach Boys song that sang, “We could be married…And then we’d be happy…”

And I was like “Whoa, fellas - you can’t have it both ways.”

An athiest wakes up in hell.

He looks around confused at the bright shining sun and the best beach party he's ever seen.
People are singing and dancing, laughing and playing, splashing in the crystal water and drinking, just having the best time.

Shortly the devil walks up to him wearing shorts, hat, and raising a g...

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The color palette of most public restrooms in public beaches and forests is on the depressing earth-tones and brown side…

…I mean, shit.

The beach is very confident...

...in fact its 100% shore.

A Bridge Too Far

An Irishman was collecting empty bottles on the beach one day when he found one with a tiny man inside it. He let the man out and for this the tiny man told him that he could have one wish. “I’m dead scared of flying” the Irishman told him “And I get terribly seasick from just looking at a boat and ...

Business competitors

Two friendly competitors in the NY garment center go on vacation to Miami Beach. Saul is not a good swimmer and goes out too far from the beach and realizes he is in trouble. He yells for Herbie who dives into the water and pulls Saul into the shallow water. When Saul is out of trouble Herbie asks h...

The man with an orange for a head

A bartender is working on a quiet Sunday when an unusual man comes in.

The man has an orange for a head. Perfectly normal body up to the neck, then just a massive orange instead of a head.

The bartender serves the man and says "I hope you don't mind me asking you mate, but ... what h...

Why did the surfer bring a book to the beach?

He wanted to catch up on his current reading.

Two rednecks went to the beach

The younger of the two said "This sucks, man! None of the girls are even noticing me!"

His older friend said "I tell you what- maybe if you put a sock in your swim trunks, that would help get you some more attention."

So the younger boy went to the changing room and adjusted his swimw...

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Conversation at the beach

A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strik...

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A guy's sneaking up behind his wife at the beach to give her a wet willy.

At the moment he goes for it, she decides to listen to the ocean in a big snail shell.  Yep.  Conch blocked.

Gift That Keeps Giving

A guys wife tells him she really wants to learn to Ocean Kayak. He tries to tell her that she must take lessons and will have to buy expensive equipment.  She explains it is her life long dream, so he supports her fully.

A few months later,  she is ready for her first Ocean Kayak experience...

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Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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Old Jewish Widow

An old Jewish widow goes to the beach, and sees an attractive Jewish man, and she asks "do you like pussy cats?"

He says "how did you know my name is Katz?"

math joke

a mathematician went to a church where tanning was not permitted. he had justt been at the beach so the priest told him to leave. He asked: why? the priest answered:

cos tan sin

Grandma is eighty-eight and drives her own car...

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a

'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a

thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunder...

My wife and I have both decided to go on a diet before our holiday to the States as we don't want to feel self conscious at the beach.

It's going well, so far we've both put on five stone.

A man is asked by his wife to go out and get ingredients for dinner

Being a little bit of a cheapskate he thinks of walking down to the beach with a bucket to collect snails.

As he's strolling down the beach picking them up the most beautiful woman in the world walks towards him. She stops and asks him about the snail picking. They hit it off and he's swept o...

Mathematical joke - Why did Sin go to the beach?

Cos he wanted a Tan

An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af...

Bridge to Hawaii

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime...

What do you call a witch that lives at the beach?

A sand witch.

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Three men are strolling along the Seafront…

Three men are walking along the seafront when they encounter a mermaid lazing about in the surf below them. The mermaid seems friendly, and the men are amazed at seeing this beautiful woman, so they strike up a conversation with her and make their way down to the beach.

Eventually, the first...

A gorgeous woman waved to me at the beach yesterday.

But there was no way I was swimming out that far, to talk to her.

A Man gets shipwrecked

He washes up ashore on an Australian beach. Unconscious, he's taken to a hospital, and wakes up the next day. Upon waking up, he notices how filthy the hospital is. The conditions are really terrible.

A nurse comes to check on him. "This hospital is terrible! You brought Me Here To *Die*?" H...

A man came home from work

He walked in the door and his wife said "Honey- pack your bags! I won the Powerball!"

"Wow; this is amazing!" he said, "Do I pack for the beach; a cruise, a new house- what?!"

She replied- "I don't care, just get the hell out!"

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle...

He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, 'I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. But I can only grant one.'

The man thought for a while and finally said, 'I ha...

Highway to Hawaii

A man comes walking on the beach and finds a bottle. He picks it up and removes the stopper. Out of the bottle comes the Spirit of the Lamp. "Thank you for letting me out, I have been locked up for 140 years. I would like to give you the opportunity to have a wish fulfilled"

"Thank you, I've...

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

Jesus and Moses walking on the beach.

So Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach and Moses says "you know Jesus it's been a long time since I parted the sea let me see if I can still do it". So he throws his staff down throws his arms up and nothing happens. Jesus says to him "why don't you try again it's been a long time". So Moses...

Why did the psychic carry a book to the top of a tree on the beach?

To practice palm reading.

A man was having a few in the local bar

when he noticed a sailor sitting at the other end of the bar. The sailor had a completely normal physique except for one anomaly: his head was tiny, about the size of an orange.

The man stared at the sailor in puzzlement, and after a few more drinks screwed up his courage to go over and ask t...

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Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

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An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two months...

Very worried, the mother goes to the farmacia (drugstore) and buys a pregnancy test. She brings it to her daughter who takes the test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The...

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Sex on the beach!

A widowed Jewish woman, mid 50′s, went to a Tel Aviv beach for the first time since her husband passed. She was still attractive and looked good in her bathing suit. On the same beach was an attractive man, mid 50’s, getting some sun and reading a book. She put her blanket down next to his and ...

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There was a little old man who was in very good shape but noticed one morning that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis…

So he went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then, two old ladies were strolling along the sand one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it about with her cane, remarking to the other ...

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How do you spot the new guy at a nude beach?

Is super easy. You can see him coming a mile away.

What did the ocean say to the beach?

Nothing, it just waved.

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My car screeched to a halt on the front lawn of our house...

I dashed inside and yelled, "Honey! Pack your bags! I won the lottery!!"

From upstairs my wife called out, "That's wonderful dear! What should I pack? Beach clothes? Mountain clothes?"

I yelled back, "I don't care!! Just get the fuck out!!"

A ship sinks, there are three survivors…

…a Chinese guy, a British guy and an American guy.

They meet on a deserted island. Soon, they realize they have to find a wat to get off the island if they are going to survive this mess. They get together on the beach and tasks are divided. The Britton searces the island for wood to make a ...

The daddest of my dad's dad jokes

Seriously, this is his favorite one:

A cop pulls over a man who appears to be chauffeuring a penguin in a limousine.

"Sir," barks the cop, "Is that a penguin you're driving around?"

"Yes it is," the driver responds cheerfully. "Is there a problem?"

"Of course there is! Th...

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

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Speeding?

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes Benz to 100 mph.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he sees a cop behind him, signaling to pull over.

He floored it to 140 , then 150, then 155, and 160…Suddenly he thought, "Shit man, I'm too old for this nonsense !"

So he pulled over to t...

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Old Ladies at the Beach

A man at the nude beach is checking his tan and realizes there's one part of him that isn't tanned. Yep, THAT part. So, he covers it liberally with suntan lotion and proceeds to bury himself in the sand leaving only his mouth, nose, and member exposed.

Two old ladies are walking down the pa...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!

The man sat and thought about it f...

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Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I ...

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A limbless woman crying on the beach.

A limbless woman is sitting on the beach crying as a man approaches her.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“I’ve never been hugged before...” she responds.

The man hugs her and she stops crying for a second. Then the man walks away and the woman continues crying.

A little whil...

Guy dies and finds himself standing before Satan.

"Oh no! Am I in Hell?"

Satan replies, "Ahh, its not so bad. Let me show you around."

Satan takes the guy past a tennis court. "It's open 24-7. And over here is the 18 hole golf course, over there is the Olympic sized pool, and beyond that is the beach and marina, where you can take out...

a Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach having a nice day

When out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and sweeps him out to sea.

She drops to her knees and pleads, "Please God, save my only grandchild. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.<...

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

I'm so tough

that when I go to the beach, I kick sand in my own face

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A ship goes down at sea

Two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.
The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.
The man event...

Barbie

One day, a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on display in the front window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have Work-Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie f...

Stranded on an island

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.



Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,



“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we ...

My 3yo: lets go to the beach and eat seagulls

Me: What?!?
Son: lets eat bagels by the sea

(An old, lame joke) A physicist, a chemist and a biologist visit a beach.

They were bored sitting empty, so they decided to perform some experiments.

The physicist says, "I'm gonna measure the depth of the sea." He proceeds to dive into the sea, but goes too deep. He gets crushed by the underwater pressure, drowns and dies.

The biologist says, "I'm gonna dis...

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What do sex on the beach and american beer have in common?

Both are fucking close to water.

An elderly woman was very proud of her four-month-old grandson.....

so she took him with her down to Miami Beach. The first morning she got him all decked out, and down they went to the beach, where she set him by the shore to play. But no sooner had she sat down in her beach chair than a huge tidal wave rose up and swept the baby away.

“God,” she said, stand...

A man finds an old brass lamp on the beach (long).

It’s very sandy, so he picks it up and rubs it.
Wouldn’t you know, it starts to emit a plume of multicolored smoke and a djinni appears.
The djinni says “For freeing me from this lamp I offer you 3 w…”
The man cuts him off “I know, I know, 3 wishes! My first wish is to have $200 billion dol...

I just saw this joke on a very serious TV show, The Old Man.

A woman and her son were walking on the beach when a giant wave swept over them. The woman was separated from her son and she looked all around and couldn’t see him anywhere. She looked up at the sky and screamed “Whoever is up there please help me. My son is everything to me, I can’t live witho...

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A shipwrecked man washes up onto a deserted beach.

He meets a couple that's also stranded there. He and the wife immediately lock eyes and feel the chemistry for some genital bonding.

The Husband tells the Stranger: "hey man, see that tall coconut tree over there? We take turns all day climbing it to the top and seeing if any ships are approa...

Did you hear the one about the soda company employee who was out walking on the beach, but drowned?

He was schwepped out to sea

At the beach house, we had a major problem with sea birds. I started throwing rocks at them.

I left no Tern unstoned.

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

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My Cake Day penis joke:

A guy goes to the beach for vacation, and he really wanted to impress the ladies on the beach. He worked out a bunch, tanned in advance, and bought a tiny banana hammock bathing suit for himself.

Each day, he put on his tight budgie smuggler and began walking the beach, smiling at the bathin...

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Armless Legless girl on the beach

A man is walking on the beach when suddenly he hears someone crying, as he gets closer he discovers that it is an armless and legless woman.

He then asks her:

Man: "Why are you crying?"

Woman: "In my whole life, i've never been kissed."

So the man grabs her and kisses her...

It is Summer - down at the beach today a guy was yelling "Help, shark, HELP"!!

I had to laugh because I know for a fact that the shark was not going to help him...

Three old men are lounging in chairs on the beach in the French Riviera.

One of them says, "I had a business but it burned to the ground. With the insurance money I was able to retire here."

Another said, "Well that's a coincidence. I had a business that had a gas leak and blew up and the insurance money allowed me to retire here."

The third guy said, "You'...

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

When God created Adam and Eve...

He said to them: I have two gifts to give you one is to do pee standing up and...

Adam, very anxious, interrupted him screaming: M E... M E...I want it, please Lord... please... please... please... This would make life a lot easier!

Eve agreed and said those things didn’t matter to her...

What do a cat on the beach and Christmas have in common?

They both have sandy claws

A couple are having dinner at a nice restaurant. A lovely young woman walks up to the table, kisses the man on the cheek, and says, "See you later, sweetie" before walking away. The wife is livid.

"Who the hell was that, and what did she mean about seeing you later?"

"That's just my mistress, Laura."

"You have a mistress, and she has the nerve to walk up to us in public? This is unforgivable. I want a divorce."

"Honey, she means nothing to me. Just a bit of harmless fun. ...

So we took our new dog to the beach today

I realise now it was not a good idea to name him Shark

A Dutchman and an Englishmen meet in a beach bar on holiday.

The Dutchman speaks hardly any English and the Englishman, inevitably, even less Dutch, but they still enjoy each other's company and knock back a few beers together. After a while the Englishman manages to get across a question: "what is it that you do for a living?"

The Dutchman says carefu...

A man dies, and wakes up on a beach...

There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him.

"Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy wa...

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Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.

The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach.

"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do...

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A genie popped out of a bottle I found on the beach and offered me a choice between perfect memory and a massive dick.

I don't remember what I chose.

Beach days ….

My friend tells me if you really want the girls to notice you at the beach practice your walk, get a nice Speedo bathing suit, and toss a potato down into the Speedo. This will drive the woman nuts.!!
Well I did everything, but still had no luck.
This is when he informed me that the potat...

One day a man was walking on a beach

He saw a bottle lying in the sand, so he picked it up and brushed the sand off. He uncorked the bottle and a genie popped out.

The genie said, "I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your boss will get double."

The man thought for a while and said, "For my first ...

My latest moneymaking idea was a rubber beach shoe for one-legged people.

It was a flop.

A man walks into a bar with a small man on his shoulder

He slaps down 5 $100 dollar bills and yells "drinks for everyone". A cheer goes up. The bartender goes up and down the bar filling drinks. The little man jumps off his shoulder and runs up and down the bar kicking over all the drinks. The man shakes his head and slaps down another $500 "drinks f...

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A flea is getting some sun on Miami beach...

...when another flea comes along. The second flea is freezing cold, shivering. He explains, "I'm from Vermont. I caught a ride in the mustache of a guy, who came down by motorcycle. I froze my tiny flea balls off the whole way. Even in this sun I am chilled to the bone."

The first flea replie...

The stutterers

A girl is at a bar, and there are three guys next to her jabbering and carrying on and really getting on her nerves. The worst part was, they all had stutters.

So she says to them, "Listen, I came here for a little peace of mind, and I just can't stand listening to you guys any more. Here's a...

Two guys walk into a bar

A philosopher and a physician walk into a fabulous tiki beach bar in Florida and both order drinks. After a while the philosopher addresses the physician, "Have you read Marx?" The physician replies, "Yes, I blame these wicker bar stools."

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A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

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Looks like f***ing up here

A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island. The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger. The three start to build a watchtower.

The stranger offers to take first watch. While the husband and wife gather dr...

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An American, a Russian, and an Irishman are all stuck at sea

They eventually end up on an island, and the three decide to split up and meet back at the beach at sunset. When they meet back up, the American returned with 4 fish, the Russian found what he needed to build an open fire, and the Irishman found a mysteriously sealed bottle. With each man getting th...

A guy is walking along a beach and finds a mysterious ancient lamp

He drains the water out of it and rubs it to clean it up when it starts to shake in his hand and smoke comes out of it. Suddenly a wizened old genie appears.

"You have freed me from my imprisonment in the lamp, O generous one," the genie says and falls at his feet.

The guy is taken ab...

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[NSFW] A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)

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A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.

“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.

Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.

“Aw look at you honey. ...

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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day the...

My wife and I were riding our bikes near the beach and I caught her checking out some ladies sunbathing.

I guess she's a bi-cyclist.

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Crafty Bastard

A man find a lantern lying on the Beach, he rubs it a Genie pops out and says "I can grant you one wish"

The man says "I want to live forever"

Genie replies "we can't grant that wish"

The man's says "I want to live until every politician on the planet, does what's in their const...

What do the Kardashians and the beach have in common ?

The both contain a bunch of plastic.

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(Long) The Amputee

A woman is walking down the beach when she spots a man with no arms and no legs crying.

"What's the matter honey?" she asks.
"I was just thinking about love and life, and how I've never really been hugged before." He replies with tears in his eyes.

Feeling bad for him, she decide...

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