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Mud Jokes

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, ...

An Australian Aboriginal is doing a bit of fishing, when he notices a massive mud crab out of season…

As quick as can be, he grabs the muddie and throws it in the trunk/boot of his car. At that moment, a department of fisheries ranger observes Paddy the aboriginal, putting the mudcrab into the boot of his car.

"Oi. You can't do that! I saw what you have there. You've got a mudcrab in the boot...

what do sheep do after playing in mud?

go to a baaaaath tub

What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again?

A dirty double-crosser.

On the farm

A horse and a chick go for a walk. The horse gets stuck in the mud and yells to the chick to help me I’m stuck. The chick runs back to the farm to get the farmer but the farmer has gone to town with the tractor. So the chick sees the new BWM and grabs a rope and jumps into the BMW and drives to the ...

How do you get all those Russian tanks out from the mud?

Ukraine them out.

What do you call a mud pie on April 22?

An Earthday cake!

I'll see myself out.

When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive...

It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

My kid came home and asked if I wanted to hear a dirty joke…

He said: 2 pigs fell in the mud and three came out

An elderly man goes into his doctor's office for an annual physical...

After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

...

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Pigs

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them...

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs...

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything equally.

The farmers lived sixt...

Warning: Dark Humor Ahead "A cure?"

A man is sitting in his doctors office waiting for his test results:

Doc: Well, Jim. I'm sorry but your tests say that you have a rare disease and it's 100% fatal.

Jim: Isn't there ANYTHING we can do to stop it?

Doc: Uh, there is this spa down the road that has these special...

My favourite childhood memory is making mud pies with my grandad.

Until mom found out and hid the urn.

2 guys crossing the desert on a camel

All of a sudden the camel falls from exhaustion. One guy says "what are we gonna do?" His friend says "see that big puddle over there? We will drag him up there I will hold his head in the puddle and you suck on his behind try and get water in his stomach." So they drag the camel to the puddle. ...

A truck driver hated seeing door-to-door religious zealots walking down the road

He hated how they would go from house to house, bothering people and questioning their faith. So whenever he would see some walking down the road, he would slow down, ease over, and bump them with his fender to make them fall down into the mud on the side of the road. He grew to enjoy the satisfac...

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“Hey Watson, is that mud on your shoes?”

No. Shit, Sherlock.

How do you describe a horrendous male cow stuck in mud?

Terra-bull

So Fred has accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is", handing the ear to John....

Told the waitress my coffee tasted like mud.

"It should, it was fresh ground this morning. "

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

A man was walking through a park

He stopped by a flock of seagulls sitting on the grass verge next to a pond trying to snap up some worms from the mud. One of the seagulls drops a worm and shouts "oh for god sake".

The man is intrigued that it can talk so he goes and asks it where it's from. "I'm from around London but I tr...

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A Sergeant was walking through base housing when he noticed a boy playing in mud

Being curious, he walked over and saw that the boy was building something with the mud.

"Watcha building son" he asked.

"An Army soldier" exclaimed the boy.

"This is a *Marine Corp base base son! You should be building a *Marine!!" chastised the Sergeant.

"I would," the ...

There once was a town out west...

There once was a small town out west, nestled between the Rocky Mountains. The town was built on a stream, with a small lake the stream snaked outward from. Most of the town was employed by multiple large orchards nearby, and the town's inhabitants spent their days at the lake enjoying their time of...

The pig with wooden legs

A man drove by a farm every day on his way to work, and he always saw a pig in the front yard.

One morning on his way in, he noticed the pig had a wooden leg. It was odd, but he put it out of his mind. A couple of weeks later, he saw the pig had a second wooden leg. No longer able to contain ...

It is now recommended that high risk groups take mud baths when infected with COVID-19.

It won't save you, but it will help you get used to the feeling of the dirt.

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A couple's car gets stuck in the mud...

The boyfriend tries to gun the engine, but the rear tire keeps sinking. He thinks maybe he can get traction, so he asks his girlfriend to take off her shirt.

He stuffs the shirt under the tire and tries again, but it doesn't help.

He asks the girlfriend for her pants, stuffs those und...

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

What’s the difference between a male crab and a female crab???

Mudflaps

A little boy is ostensibly fishing in a mud-puddle with a stick and a piece of string...

A man passes and with a warm chuckle says "What are you doing there, Son? Fishing?"

"Yeah Mister." the boy replies. "I'm gonna catch some big fish and sell 'em to buy my mammy some flowers for her birthday."

"That's a good boy." the man tells him. "I'll tell you what- here's a fiver. Y...

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

My tuktuk got stuck earlier in the mud

False advertising should be called a stuckstuck

A bear and a moose get into an argument in a Canadian forest.

They don't want to get into a fight, but they just want to prove which of them is stronger so they steal a piece of rope and the bear wraps it around the moose's antlers and holds the other end in its mouth.

They agree on three rounds, and they each get to choose their battlefield.

3, ...

A mud joke

(This is a translation from a french joke and my translation skill isn't great. I Hope it still makes someone laugh)

A woman who is feeling very ill goes to the doctor.
After a long examination, the doctor says "You seem to have a very serious disease, and I don't think I can do anyt...

A man and a pile of mud begin to race...

The mud won by a landslide.

Why does my son Richard like playing in the mud?

Because he then becomes filthy Rich.

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What do you get when a donkey runs through the mud?

Ass holes

Mud treatment is good for the skin....

...but I saw a sign the other day saying "Sewage Treatment Works". Trust me, it doesn't.

My son played soccer in the mud all day.

He was a little Messi.

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3 guys are walking next to some mud and find some bricks.

They want to see who can throw the bricks the highest but can't seem to figure out how to measure the height that they threw it. One of the guys says "we can just measure how far the brick sinks into the mud." The other two agree to this. The first guy throws his brick and it lodges itself a foot a...

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2 drunk guys are walking home

Two drunk guys, John and Adam were walking hime from a long day at the pub. The two spot a pile of cow shit in front of them.

John says, "Is that a pile of cow shit?"

Adam says, "That's just a pile of mud, idiot. Want me to prove it to you?"

John agrees, and Adam goes over to th...

My wife tried one of those expensive beauty mud packs on her face and it worked!

Till she took it off.

Three village women are walking home from a trip to town...

(Full disclosure: I modified this joke from one in *The Pretty Good Joke Book*)

(Disclaimer: You can assign any nationality or ethnicity you like to these women. To avoid controversy, I'm calling them "Poltroonian")

So these three Poltroonian village women are walking back to their vi...

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I'm afraid the mud cake I ate yesterday had gone a bit off...

I've been shitting bricks all day.

I met a nun recently, she told me she always starts her day by rolling around in mud

I told her that's a dirty habit

A horse, a chicken and a Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the ...

I recently overcame an addiction to rolling around in mud

I've been clean for 6 months

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A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

What do you get when you graph mud versus traction?

a slippery slope

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In honor of Norm Macdonald, here is my favorite joke of his.

There was a fella, a little boy in school named Dirty Johnny. He'd always be a hellion in class and the teacher didn't think much of him.

So the teacher has an in-class project, and she says "Now this is what you're gonna do here, class. I want you to stand up, and tell the class a story fro...

Always Be A Good Listener & don't be in hurry...

There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds, the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?"
...

A waiter gives a man a cup of coffe

The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out;and says “Waiter this coffee tastes like mud.”

The waiter looking surprised replies “ Yessir it was ground this morning.”

Pyotr is a poor serf in Tsarist Russia... (Wife's favourite joke)

...tilling his field one day, he unearths a lamp. As he starts to rub off the dirt, a genie comes flying out and in a great, booming voice, says, "Pyort Petrovich, you have freed me! Fortunate you are, for I shall grant you any wish your heart desires!"

Pyort thinks a moment and says, "No, I ...

What do you get when you cross a fishing rod with mud?

a dirty hooker

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A Russian soldier is assigned to the training exercise

A Russian soldier is assigned to a squad near the front of the training exercise to replace a fallen komrat. He is warned that the training is hard with many death, and the squad members are a bit excentric, so he should just try to fit in.


He arrives to a camp of about 10 men and a cou...

The Man Who Knows Where Everyone Is From

There were a bunch of tough dudes hanging out in a bar. One of them started bragging that he could tell where anyone was from just by looking at them.

One burly dude stepped up and asked “Where am I from, then?” The guy looked at the burly dude and concluded he was from California. He was ri...

Wanna here a dirty joke?

A boy fell in mud and got dirty.
Wanna here a clean joke?
The boy took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna here a dirty joke?
Bubbles was the girl next door.

Back in the days... (long)

Back in the days, on a beautiful spring day, a farmer had led his cow to a small stream next to a green, lush meadow. The animal happily guzzles some water, while the farmer milks her. Two engineers come hiking down the path that follows the stream.

"Excuse me, sir", says one, "what are you d...

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

Pegleg Pete the Pirate decided to retire

He fired his crew, ran his ship aground, and built a small cabin for himself just a short walk from the beach. He enjoyed his quiet life until global warming turned his front yard into a swamp. He couldn't get down to the shore without struggling through muck and mud that was once his peaceful stro...

Old Marsh was walking home drunk...

...though the graveyard, and the silly ol' sod fell into an open grave just as it started to rain. He tried to climb up the sides but repeatedly slid on the mud, back into the grave. Finally, he resigned himself to his fate and settled into a dark corner of the pit to wait out the storm.

An...

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A tourist is walking through an isolated village in India

As his walk progresses, his stomach starts to gurgle and his butt puckers like the mouth of an infant who was cruelly given a lemon.

He looks around for a place to privately relieve himself. He sees an outhouse and rushes inside. In the outhouse is just a short divider wall to lean over and...

A young boy living on a farm came down to eat breakfast.

His Mother told him he had to do his chores before he could eat. He got mad but went out to do his chores when a chicken ran across in front of him so being still mad he kicked it. Momma was watching. When the cow kicked over the milk pail, he kicked the cow. Momma was watching. When a pig splattere...

Pregnant Wife

My wife has been so moody since she became pregnant. I asked her to push harder and she began yelling and calling me names.

I said, "Let me know if you have a better way to get the car out of the mud."

Red Skeleton’s Recipe for the Perfect Marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I...

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Wanna hear a dirty joke?

Little Timmy fell in the mud.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
Little Timmy started playing in the mud.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
Little Timmy took a bath.

Wanna hear a cleaner joke?
Little Timmy took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear en even cleaner joke?
Little Timmy...

The clever smuggler

At a border between 2 countries, the Customs Officer stops a man. He's riding a bike and holding a huge sack.
The officer asks "What's in the sack?"
The man replies "Just some mud."
The officer checks. Sure enough- mud.
He's very suspicious, but has no choice, and lets him go.
Next d...

A man that can understand animals walks into a bar...

...and he yells it out for the whole bar to hear. The bartender says to the man, "come out back to the barn and let's see wat good can do."

The man follows him to the barn upon seeing a cow. It moans "moooooo"

Curiously the bartender asks "what did he say". The man explains "the cow sa...

I'm not saying that I am unfit...

But I just tried mud wrestling and the mud won.

An 8 year old Jesus of Nazareth walks into his house...

Leaving the door open, tracking mud across the floor Mary just cleaned, throwing his clothes on the floor instead of in the basket... And Mary yells "Jesus!!! What do you think your doing?? You act like you were born in a....oh yeah, never mind"

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The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

I had a mudpack facial done and for three days my face looked much better...

then the mud fell off.

A man went to the doctor and the doctor told him, "Sir, I have bad news, you are going to die soon"

The man said, "well that is just terrible, what should I do?"

The doctor told him, "You should take 3 mud baths every day"

The man said, "well, how is that going to help me?"

The doctor says, "It will get you used to the dirt"

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The Farmer

A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant b...

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

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A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road when they saw some corn in a ditch just across the road.

The horse walked over to eat the corn.

Before he got to the corn, he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get out of the mud.

So he tells the chicken "Hey, go over to that farm house and get some help to get me out of this mud.”

When the chicken gets to the f...

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the drive...

The cafe in the coffe

I had visited a cafe one day with my friends. The waiter recommended that we try their special coffee. We agreed and soon the coffee arrived. As we drink the coffee, we realized that it tastes like dirt and mud. Disgusted by the fact, all of us complained immediately. The alarmed waiter rushes over ...

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A horse, chicken and a pig are out walking on a farm...

When suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole. The pig and chicken freak and they don’t know how they will get their friend out.

So the pig and chicken run up to the farmers house and they bang on the door, no answer... again they bang on the door, no answer.

In a fury the chicken bust...

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A joke translated from Romanian

Two policemen were sitting in the office. One of them kept sniffing and tasting his nails.

The second one asked, „What are you doing?“.

„I am trying to figure out if this thing under my nails is shit or mud.“

The second one said, „Let me see!“ and proceeded to taste it. „It‘s de...

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Jesus on the cross..

After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.

He saw his wonderful mother Mary.
He saw gods chi...

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Charles the duck was sitting by the muddy edge of the pond.

Suddenly a female duck fell out of the sky and landed head first into the mud with her rear sticking up. Another nearby duck, thinking he had won the lottery, quickly mounted the female, but she reared up and threw him off forcefully.

It was a Chuck duck cuck muck luck fuck buck.

My pet pig loves soccer.

Usually he plays clean but as soon as he’s in mud he’s Messi.

Dan went to his physician for his annual check-up.

However, he was shocked when his doctor said to him, “I’m afraid you’ve only got three weeks to live.”

“Are you sure?” said Dan, “I feel fine. Isn’t there anything that can be done?”

“Well,” said his doctor, “you could try taking a mud bath each day.”

“Will that cure me?” asked ...

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A man is waiting for the bus.

A woman passes him in her car, splashing mud all over him before driving away, laughing.



The next day, the woman's car is broken down on the highway. The man passes her and rolls down his window.

"I'm definitely posting this on Reddit"

"What? Why would you do that?"
<...

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Why did the semen cross the road?

Because you wore the wrong sock today.

While I'm up here on the moral highground, let me tell you about poor little Ukurugenzi.

Ukurugenzi is an 8-year old Kenyan orphan who walks 11 miles to his mud-hut school every day. With your donation of just 25 cents a day, we can buy a whip and...

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Mr Wright (Slightly NSFW)

Read this a while ago, still probably my favourite joke, and felt I should share it for those who haven't seen it before.
A lawyer gets home after a long trial in which it was decided his client-Mr Wright-would be hanged later that night. He is greeted at the door by his wife.
"You're home lat...

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A lion is walking through the Serengeti

Its the dry season so he’s ecstatic to find a mud puddle. He bends down for a cool sip, and as his tail goes up, a gorilla barges out of the bush and gives him the old Liberace. The lion rears back in surprise and anger.

Realizing his mistake, the gorilla runs off through the bush with the l...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman...

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman are trekking through the jungle together. They’re hacking down trees, killing leopards, and generally doing manly things.

All of a sudden, they are confronted by a group of natives, who grab the trio and drag them to their little village and tie them to s...

I went to a fancy new coffee shop today and ordered a cup

I took a sip and it tasted awful.

“This coffee tastes like mud!”

The barista replied, “well, it’s fresh ground”

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I had a few jokes I loved as a kid

Like, there was this one where these three friends were out after it rained and had some bricks. They wanted to decide who was the strongest by seeing who could throw the bricks in the air but didn't have a way to measure the height so they decided that since it was muddy outside, they'd throw the b...

Two Aggies bag a deer

Two Aggies had bagged a deer and were dragging it by the rear legs back to the truck. But the antlers kept getting stuck in the mud. One says to the other, "This is tough but we only got about 1 mile left to reach the truck."

A third hunter saw their dilemma and told them, "If you drag the de...

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A French man moves to America and begins looking for a job.

He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner. The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.

“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”

And the ...

A farmer bought a rooster to service his hens.

So, this farmer went out and bought a new rooster as a stud rooster. Every day, the farmer watched the rooster go service all the hens, then the rooster would start in on the pigs, the sheep, the cows, it would mate with them all. The farmer always shook his head and said, "One of these days.. one o...

Irish Vs. English

An English naval vessel is called to attention by an Irish Guard.

Irish: Aye, approaching vessel, I advise ye turn 15 degrees south to avoid a collision.

The English Captain replies: "Negative, sir. We advise you redirect 15 degrees north to avoid said collision."

Irish: I repea...

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