UPJOKE
claysoilmiremucksiltdirtwatersandswampsludgeplasterdirtybegrimegrimemuddy

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, ...

An Australian Aboriginal is doing a bit of fishing, when he notices a massive mud crab out of season…

As quick as can be, he grabs the muddie and throws it in the trunk/boot of his car. At that moment, a department of fisheries ranger observes Paddy the aboriginal, putting the mudcrab into the boot of his car.

"Oi. You can't do that! I saw what you have there. You've got a mudcrab in the boot...

I was in the “cheap seats” at the Rodeo and I began to heckle the people in front because they were getting splashed by mud…

…boy, did I get some dirty looks.

If your coffee tastes like mud...

It's probably fresh ground...

What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again?

A dirty double-crosser.

When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive...

It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

If you call someone a “stick in the mud” it’s because they are no fun.

But if a dog finds a stick in the mud it’s the greatest day of his life.

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“Hey Watson, is that mud on our boots?”

“No, shit, Sherlock.”

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A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes, so he walks down to the store only to find it closed.

So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.

They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, “Oh no, it...

Two Indians are walking beside a river...

One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.

"The White Man was here."

"How can you tell?"

"We're speaking English."

How do you get all those Russian tanks out from the mud?

Ukraine them out.

A mud joke

(This is a translation from a french joke and my translation skill isn't great. I Hope it still makes someone laugh)

A woman who is feeling very ill goes to the doctor.
After a long examination, the doctor says "You seem to have a very serious disease, and I don't think I can do anyt...

How do you describe a horrendous male cow stuck in mud?

Terra-bull

What do you call a mud pie on April 22?

An Earthday cake!

I'll see myself out.

Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors. They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach and - both of them having certain "needs" - eventually start hooking up.

This keep goi...

My favourite childhood memory is making mud pies with my grandad.

Until mom found out and hid the urn.

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

My son played soccer in the mud all day.

He was a little Messi.

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A farmer had 5 female pigs but times were hard and he needed a solution.

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decide...

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A Sergeant was walking through base housing when he noticed a boy playing in mud

Being curious, he walked over and saw that the boy was building something with the mud.

"Watcha building son" he asked.

"An Army soldier" exclaimed the boy.

"This is a *Marine Corp base base son! You should be building a *Marine!!" chastised the Sergeant.

"I would," the ...

what do sheep who been in the mud do?

take a baaaaath

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is ...

It is now recommended that high risk groups take mud baths when infected with COVID-19.

It won't save you, but it will help you get used to the feeling of the dirt.

My kid came home and asked if I wanted to hear a dirty joke…

He said: 2 pigs fell in the mud and three came out

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A couple's car gets stuck in the mud...

The boyfriend tries to gun the engine, but the rear tire keeps sinking. He thinks maybe he can get traction, so he asks his girlfriend to take off her shirt.

He stuffs the shirt under the tire and tries again, but it doesn't help.

He asks the girlfriend for her pants, stuffs those und...

My tuktuk got stuck earlier in the mud

False advertising should be called a stuckstuck

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Horse and chicken are hanging in farmer Brown's yard.

Horse laid down in great big mud puddle to cool off. He took a nap and when he woke, he was sunk to his haunches and couldn't get up.

"He-e-e-lp me chicken! I'm stuck! Go get farmer brown to pull me out with the tractor."

《Buak》" can't do it. Farmer brown's out plowing the back 40. I...

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3 guys are walking next to some mud and find some bricks.

They want to see who can throw the bricks the highest but can't seem to figure out how to measure the height that they threw it. One of the guys says "we can just measure how far the brick sinks into the mud." The other two agree to this. The first guy throws his brick and it lodges itself a foot a...

A man and a pile of mud begin to race...

The mud won by a landslide.

My wife tried one of those expensive beauty mud packs on her face and it worked!

Till she took it off.

Why does my son Richard like playing in the mud?

Because he then becomes filthy Rich.

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What do you get when a donkey runs through the mud?

Ass holes

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

Mud treatment is good for the skin....

...but I saw a sign the other day saying "Sewage Treatment Works". Trust me, it doesn't.

I recently overcame an addiction to rolling around in mud

I've been clean for 6 months

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The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

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I'm afraid the mud cake I ate yesterday had gone a bit off...

I've been shitting bricks all day.

I met a nun recently, she told me she always starts her day by rolling around in mud

I told her that's a dirty habit

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A pig and a donkey are standing out in a farm's field.

The pig tells the donkey: "Man, you sure have a crappy life. They take you out in the morning, have you drag carts, turn millstones, pull the plough, and after dark they feed you a nothing but hay. Meanwhile I'm just eating, sleeping and rolling around in the mud all day long, I sure am lucky not to...

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Sex in a muddy corn field

A hillbilly and his wife are having sex in a muddy corn field one
evening.

The hillbilly asks, “Honey, could you check to see if it’s in you or if
it’s in the mud?”

She reaches down and checks. “It’s in the mud,” she tells him.

“Well, could you put it back in?”

She ...

What do you get when you cross a fishing rod with mud?

a dirty hooker

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The Rescue

One day a horse and a chicken are in the field when the horse falls into a very deep mud puddle and sinks all the way up to his chin and is about to drown. He yells to the chicken "Help me help me quick - go to the farmers car and get the rope and come here as quick as you can!!"

The chicke...

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Mr Wright (Slightly NSFW)

Read this a while ago, still probably my favourite joke, and felt I should share it for those who haven't seen it before.
A lawyer gets home after a long trial in which it was decided his client-Mr Wright-would be hanged later that night. He is greeted at the door by his wife.
"You're home lat...

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Why did the semen cross the road?

Because you wore the wrong sock today.

While I'm up here on the moral highground, let me tell you about poor little Ukurugenzi.

Ukurugenzi is an 8-year old Kenyan orphan who walks 11 miles to his mud-hut school every day. With your donation of just 25 cents a day, we can buy a whip and...

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Jesus on the cross..

After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.

He saw his wonderful mother Mary.
He saw gods chi...

So Fred has accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is", handing the ear to John....

There was a ventriloquist traveling in the countryside

He performed at county fairs and would go from town to town in his old van. One day while in the middle of nowhere, his car broke down miles away from the nearest town. He started walking to the town to see if he could get help with his car.

Along the road came a farmer riding a buggy pulled...

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A man meets a shaman

Having been down on his luck for quite a number of years, the man figured it wouldn't hurt any more to consult him.

After hearing his numerous misfortunes in life, the shaman tells him: "I have seen countless souls turn cruel and uncaring when their fortunes change drastically for the better,...

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