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Stones Jokes

Why do the Rolling Stones need a Realtor?

Because no one moves like Jagger..

A girl was throwing stones in her backyard one day

She threw one a little too hard and it came back and hit her in the eye. She ran inside yelling and crying and her parents drove her to the hospital

The doctor tells the family that her eye is going to have to be removed and she’ll need a prosthetic. The family doesn’t have a lot of money and...

A man walks into a bar and says “I’m here to drink my troubles away!”

“Well you’ve come to the right place.” says the bartender, “What’ll it be?”

The man replies “One water please”

“Just a water??”

“Yeah, I have kidney stones.”

What’s Sisyphus’ least favorite band?

Rolling Stones

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to have kidney stones removed so to prepare for surgery…

I wrote “I was in the pool!” on a sticky note an stuck it to my penis

Women are like stones

You can skip the flat ones

I used to think that sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me

Then I fell into a printing press.

\-Milton Jones

What's the difference between a Scotsmen and The Rolling Stones?

The Rolling Stones would yell 'Hey! You! Get offa mah cloud!"

But a Scotsmen would tell 'Hey! McCloud! Get offa mah EWE!'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kung Fu student asks his teacher

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated.

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones…

Or masturbate in the daytime

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says," Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says, "What's his name?"

Mick replies, "Miles, from London."

(Navy Joke) why do chiefs hate kidney stones ?

It clogs the P ways

Not NSFW: When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa...

When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.I'd always heard adults talk about i...

Chuck Norris passed 6 kidney stones.

Thanos used them in the Infinity Gauntlet.

They say people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Thankfully, I'm in a greenhouse, so I can throw all the stones I want.

I haven’t heard of the band: “The Rolling Stones” in a while,

I guess they went downhill

I’m in a band. We do covers of Stone Sour, Stone Temple Pilots, and The Rolling Stones.

We’re a rock band.

Why are the Rolling Stones always sad?

They can't get no satisfaction.

What kind of stones does a ghost use for jewellery?

Tombstones

Sherlock stones

Sedimentary my dear watson

"Let he who is without sin throw the first stone," Jesus said.

As the stones began to fly, Jesus realized he might have made a mistake by including the local narcissists.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus comes upon a crowd stoning a harlot...

He was shocked at the cruelty, and he opens his arms wide and yells "STOP!!!" in his booming, godly voice. Everybody pauses and turns, stones in their hands, and Jesus begins to preach.

He preaches about brotherly love, and turning the other cheek. His words are inspiring and the crowd grows ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call ancient ceremonial fertility stones?

Fucking rocks

My team had to play a football game on a pitch that was littered with loads of stones and gravel.

Luckily we still won on aggregate.

How do you lose 12 stones of unsightly fat for the new year?

Divorce her....

Why did Microsoft license "Start Me Up" by the Rolling Stones?

Because their software makes a grown man cry.

Styx and The Rolling Stones

I think Styx and The Rolling Stones should’ve toured together

They could’ve called it the Break Your Bones Tour

How do you know kidney stones are worse than pregnancy?

After a a kidney stone, nobody says “let’s have another”

I passed my kidney stones with flying colors!

But mostly red.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend asked me if I wanted to buy his kidney stones.

I said that's a hard pass.

I once lived a stones throw away from a family.

They all died of mysterious head injuries.

Sticks and stones may break my bones.

Damn it, guys, stop the sticks and stones fight I have brittle bone disease...

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing Rolling Stones songs.

I told her - you can't always get what you want.

"Beatles or Stones?" I asked my son.

"Why can't we have something normal for dinner?" He said

It's all right to tell jokes about the Rolling Stones.

In fact, it's a gas.

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

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