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Roommates Jokes

My roommates get mad when I steal their kitchen utensils.

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates?

Mom & Dad

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

Four roommates get drunk the night before an exam and they miss the test.

They go to the professor with a story that they got a flat tire on their way to take the exam and they beg for the chance to take a make-up exam.

The professor agrees.

On the day of the make-up test all four students show up right on time. The professor looks at his watch and says "be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three roommates were getting ready to go on dates

The first guy says, “Boys, my date’s name is Kissy, so I’m at least getting to make out with her tonight!”

The second guy says, “By that logic, I’m getting way more than that! My date’s name is Kitty, so I’m getting some pussy tonight!”

They both laughed until they saw the third roomma...

Roommates Sarah and Beth invite Mary over for drinks

Roommates Sarah and Beth invite their friend Mary over for drinks. They are drinking wine and having a great time, when Mary spills her drink on her shirt. Mary asks Beth if she could borrow one of her tops. Beth laughs and says “you’d never fit in one of my shirts, you’re the size of a dinosaur!Try...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommates don't know I've been stealing all the soap for lube to masturbate with ...

But eventually I'm going to have to come clean.

In college, my roommates and I were so broke, we couldn’t afford to pay the electricity bill.

Those were the darkest days of our lives.

My roommates have very strong opinions about lemons

One says lemons are the worst type of citrus.

One says lemons are the absolute best.

Both call them "sublime."

Why do ducks make for awful roommates?

They are always high on quack.

What makes Pokémon such terrible roommates?

Some of them pikachu

I've been trying to kick my roommates out for months now.

But they keep insisting that I call them my parents.

My roommates insist that our house is haunted

I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.

Why are spiders clingy roommates?

Because they're an Arachneedy.

I don't mind using my roommates toothbrush

I mean would you rather be ruthless or toothless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell if your roommates gay?

If his dick tastes like shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommates keep saying that the house is haunted by a ghost

How many times do I have to tell these fuckers I’m a phantom.

If you carpool with roommates...

they are vroommates

Two roommates were arguing...

About who gets to use the microwave first.

Then things started getting heated.

What do you call when Stalin has multiple roommates?

Commune-ism

I hate when my roommates throw cigarettes in the toilet for two reasons.

A: it's disgusting and B: they are harder to light.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were two roommates in a mental asylum

One starts going VROOM VROOM. VROOM VROOM! **VROOM VROOM!!!**

The other, annoyed at his roommate, asks. "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a motorcycle, vroom vrooooooooooom!!!"

"Well can you stop it? It's annoying!"

"Why? Is it the noise?"

"No, bastard, it's all this smo...

Roommates

Roommate 1: "You think I'm nosy, don't you?!"
Roommate 2: "No, not at all!"
Roommate 1: "Then why'd you write that in your diary?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Lovely Tale of Opposite-Sex College Roommates

A guy and a girl are college roommates. No feelings at all. One day, the girl goes to a frat party and brings home the notoriously bi frat dude. She f*cks him, and then the next morning, tells him she has feelings for her roommate and so the two of them won't work out. The frat dude, just happy he g...

My roommates always say they think our house is haunted.

But I've lived here for 600 years and everything seems fine to me.

If Apple and Microsoft were people and also roommates:

Mac: "Mike! Stop installing windows in the god damn walls!"

TIFU by eating my roommates lunch

Oops, wrong sub

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two College Roommates

Two college roommates are about to go to bed. The guy in the top bunk has his girlfriend sleeping over. To try and keep quiet, they devise a code. His girlfriend will say "tomato" if she wants him to go slower and "lettuce" for him to go faster. As they begin to have sex, the girl starts to moan, "L...

My roommates keep asking me personal questions

Like, “Who are you?” and, “How did you get in here”?

Two elderly, female roommates are sitting alone again one night.

One huffs at the other. “Can I be frank with you?” The other says; “Sure, as long as I get to be Frank tomorrow.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I suggested to my wife that maybe it’s time we asked our roommates to move out, seeing as they are obnoxiously loud and leave their shit everywhere.

After throwing her shoe at me, she told me that it’s apparently illegal to kick your kids out before they are 18.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Looking for new roommates on Craigslist...

...is it too anal to ask whether or not they're into it?

I used to share an apartment with a few roommates who always said the place was haunted

I never noticed anything and I’d been living there for 200 years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between my girlfriend and a roommate?

Roommates occasionally have sex

A blonde and a brunette are roommates, the brunette goes out shopping.

The brunette returns, and sees the blonde hanging by her feet from the ceiling.
Brunette "What are you doing?"
Blonde "Oh, i'm trying to k...

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