A little boy named Johnny was told by his classmate that all adults have a deep dark secret, and can easily be manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it out, and when he came home, he walked up to his mother and said

“Mom, I know everything” his mom shushes him, gives him $10, and says “just don’t tell your dad”

Johnny does it again, but this time with his dad.

“Dad, I know everything” the dad shushes ...

My classmate didn't study for our test in mathematics about probability.

"I'll take my chances", he said.

When she was a child, Amy Schumer told her class she wanted to be a comedian. Her classmates laughed at her.

Nobody's laughing now...

Today I can finally say that I've banged all of my classmates

I'm homeschooled


***Sweet home Alabama***

My classmates admire me because I do not believe the earth is round.

It is quite flattering.

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “...

True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies,

“Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”

Been laughing at that one all day.

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The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

First Pupil: "I visited my Nana." Teacher: "Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother."

Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo." Teacher: "Please, you had a ride on a train."

Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time." Teacher: "Excellent. And what was...

My classmates think the math teacher is mean.

I think he's just average.

Jim was out shopping with his young daughter and ran into an old college classmate.

"This is Beth," Jim said proudly, introducing his kid.

"And what's Beth short for?" The friend asked.

Puzzled, he replied,"Because she's only three!”

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4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a stormtrooper and shot up the school.

Don’t worry, no one got hurt.

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One of my classmates in elementary school was mean to me sometimes, but looking back, I just remember the good things.

Like punching that bastard in the face.

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High School Reunion

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which showed is full name.

Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could this be the same g...

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A science teacher asks her class of sixth graders, “students, what is a part of the body that when stimulated can grow ten times its size?”

Tattletale Susan gets angry in the back and yells, “teacher, that’s a dirty question! You can’t be asking questions like that! I’m gonna have my parents tell the principal and we’re gonna get you fired!”

The teacher ignores her and repeats the question, “alright class, what is a part of the b...

A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with my classmate.He called me a sissy."

The mother asked, "What did you do?" The boy replied, "I hit him with my purse!"

i watched my classmate murder our professor with a calculator

it was graphic

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In high school, a classmate once told me that you can go blind if you masturbate.

I never saw her again.

One of our classmates got suspended after saying this joke in class

A little girl walks up to her Dad after her Sunday School lessons one day, and she looks upset. The Dad asks "Aw Baby what happened?"

The girl whispers to her Dad, "Daddy the Priest... He...he..."
The Dad sighs deeply, and says "what happened sweetie?"

"He...he told me to stay back ...

I had a classmate who slept with our professor for an "A"

She technically still got a "D"

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his classmates were sitting in music class when their teacher announced they would be putting on a play about the history of classical music.

She explained “Each one of you will select a different classical composer to play on stage. Arnold, you get to pick first.”

Everyone turned to look at Arnold and the room got quiet. Arnold stared intently at the teacher and made his decision known.

“I’ll be Bach.”

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A freshman is talking to the new girl in school. “You’ll like it here,” he tells her. “Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a moron.”

“Do you know who I am?” the girl asks her new classmate. “I’m the daughter of the principal.”
The boy is silent and then asks her, “Do you know who I am?”
She shakes her head no. “Good,” says the boy as he walks away.

Classmates are like penguins

If you shoot a penguin, it dies.

I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"

I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."

A student sits in class, eagerly listening to the lecture.

Next to him, a classmate who is twiddling his thumbs and spinning a pencil.

The teacher finishes the lesson and asks the students to copy the board.

Soon enough, the teacher walks over to the eager student and asks what he’s doing, as he isn’t writing.

Twiddling his thumbs and ...

A school shooter is gunning down his classmates when he sees his ex-girlfriend. Why didn't he kill her?

He missed her.

I called an old classmate and asked what he was doing.

He replied that he was working on a project involving "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment".

I was impressed...

Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

My girl classmate complimented me on my looks ar school today

Then I remembered it was the first of April

A young teacher confronts her math class of young kids with a simple question: “Three birds are sitting on a tree when a hunter comes and shoots one down, how many birds are left on the tree?”

“None!” shouts a boy across the classroom.

“Come here” says the teacher while the kid is approaching her through the weird looks of their classmates. The teacher calmly repeats the question again this time holding three fingers up for the sitting birds and removing one for the hunter’s victim...

School shooters have a huge problem: They will miss their classmates.

One way or the other.

-Dad,my classmates at school call me a gangster.

-Don't worry son,i will take care of it.
-Alright,but make sure it will look like an accident,huh?

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One of my classmates made everyone falsely believe that I was gay

I fucked him up.

I gave my mute classmate a blackboard to communicate...

But he still won't chalk to me.

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Twelve-year-old Timmy was talking with his classmate, Lisa...

Timmy: "Hey Lisa, I'll give you a dollar if we can go in the closet and you let me stick my finger in your belly button."

Lisa: "Okay."

They go into the dark closet.

Lisa: "Hey Timmy! That's not my belly button!"

Timmy: "That's okay. That's not my finger."

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It's the last day of school and Little Johnny is ready to go home.

The teacher says, "To be dismissed from class and go to the playground while you wait for your parents to pick you up, you have to answer a history question correctly."

Teacher asks, "Who was the 1st president? Maria?"

Maria says, "That's easy, George Washington!"

"Very good, yo...

Why were Tommy Wiseau's classmates jealous of him?

Because he had high marks

Awkward college reunions

At the 40th college reunion, Peter met his classmate he hadn't seen since graduation. "John," he said, "you look just like you did in college. You really haven't changed a bit."

"I know," said John. " It was terrible going through college looking like a 61- year old."

None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity,

especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, “You’re driving me insane, Tyrone.”
One day Tyrone’s mom came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her...

Why couldn't the Lutheran math student steal the answers from his classmate?

According to 7th commandment, it was considered an ✓((1/2 i e^(-i x) - 1/2 i e^(i x))^2 )...

My son kept asking me for a music player as all his classmates had mp3s

I told him :"Son, if you want real attention, take this mp5"

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Little Timmy was taking a math test in class...

The first question was 3+2.

Timmy used his fingers and counted 5. Easy enough.

For the next question, it was 5+6.

Timmy realized he did not have enough fingers so he asked his classmate,

“Hey, can I borrow your fingers to do this question?”

The teacher immediatel...

A classmate asked me if pears grow in America.

I told her to grow a pair and find out.

My classmates got in trouble for doing this thing to make fun of me for being blind

I can't see why this is so offensive

A high school senior was preparing for his prom...

He knew that the first thing he needed was a tuxedo. So he went to get a rental.

But his town was very small, and there was only one tux rental place nearby. Therefore, when he arrived he had to wait for three of his classmates to pick out their rentals before he could get his. He waited in ...

Little Zachary was doing terribly at mathematics. He constantly scored F's, and his teachers said that he was dragging far behind his classmates.

His parents tried everything they could to help him improve. Flash cards, tutors, books, nothing seemed to work. Finally, after getting some advice from the counselor, they decided to send him to a Catholic school.

Little Zachary didn't seem to mind. So the next week, he started going to th...

Donation Request ----SENT FROM FORMER 3 STAR GENERAL, FORMER SENATOR, ROBERT WINGLASS ( AND CLASSMATE )

Dear Friends:
I have the distinguished honor of being a member of the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton. We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for her two faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Hilla...

I want to make a film about a group of friends dealing with their classmate becoming a pop star.

Britney's Peers

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The science teacher asked Johnny, "What is your favorite planet, Johnny?"

"Hmm..." Johnny thought, as the classmates started to laugh.

"Please don't say it," the teacher sighed.

"I was gonna say Mars," said Johnny "but Uranus looks good too!"

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Little Johnny is late to school one day.

When he finally enters the class huffing and puffing, the teacher says curtly, "Little Johnny, you're almost an hour late for school. Would you please tell your classmates why you're late today, and why your time is more precious than all of ours?"

Little Johnny can't believe the teacher has ...

Why won't Malia and Sasha Obama's classmates gossip about them?

Because they know their father can read their emails.

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After 40 years as a gynecologist,

John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. ...

I was at my school disco..

Walking across the hall to get a drink. One of my classmates came up to me and said ‘dude, your shoes are on smoking hot!’

I gave them a smile and kept walking to get a drink. Another classmate then approached me and said ‘hey bro, you’re on fire tonight!’

I gave them a wink and some ...

Little Johnny and classmates are asked to bring an edible item to the classroom...

"So, Mary, what did you bring today?", the teacher asks.

"An apple. We love apples at home."

"Great, what about you, Annie?"

"I brought a PB & Jelly sandwich. It's so yummy!"

"Everybody loves those... and you, what did you bring today?"

Little Johnny opens his ...

There's a little bomb whose mommy is the MOAB (Mother Of All Bombs). He is ridiculed by his classmates.

Everyone says,"Your mom blows!", "Your mom is the bomb!" and,"Your mom blew me last night!"

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It was the first day of school...

... and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' " She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "P...

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A Japanese transfer student named Kiyosuke wanted to lose his virginity before graduation

He transferred as a senior student, and high school graduation was near.

Because of his Asian physique, all the girls from school don't find him particularly attractive. Two months ago, one of his classmates, Sarah, found out that he is very fond of anime; so she spread malicious rumors about...

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A boy was not looking forward to lunch.

Everyday his mom would pack a liverwurst sandwich and he hated it. One lunch period his classmate looks over and says, "I hate it when my mom packs me a seabird sandwich for lunch. Wanna trade?" Overjoyed, the boy accepted. All of a sudden a teacher grabs him and asks, "Did you trade sandwiches?"...

A group of students are doing their end-of-year exams.

The old beady-eyed moderator in charge of the classroom stared towards the clock at the end of the room as the students furiously scribbled down the remainder of their answers, knowing that time was almost up.

Minutes later, the clock struck a new hour and the exam was over.

“YOUR TIM...

Science teacher fail.

Little Johnny is on a field trip with his science class; they're in the woods.
Johnny spies a snake. He asks "Hey teacher, is this snake poisonous"?
The teacher responds "No, that snake is not poisonous".

Johnny catches the snake. He proudly shows it off to his classmates. The snake tur...

A victim of bullying on death row

There was once a man who was bullied for looking sort of like a clown, with pale skin and a red nose. After years of being bullied by classmates and coworkers alike, he snaps and commits a homicide in the office he worked at.

For the murders of several people, he gets put on death row.
Aft...

Embarrassing Fart Story

Here’s one that a lot of y’all can probably relate to. I’m probably gonna add more to it at some point.

.......

One day in third grade we were all sitting on the carpet listening to our teacher read something. My stomach hadn’t been too kind to me that day. .......


You know...

The Bee Joke

Once, there was a bee who lived in a very complex bee hive. All the bees residing in this hive lived very happily with their own tasks and aspirations. However, this particular bee, named Bart, was quite special. He was an incredibly intelligent bee who matured and learned far faster than his bee pe...

Hospital and Cop

*In class*

Teacher: "Jay, why are you down today?"

Jay: "Because my mom is at the hospital and my dad's at the police station."

Teacher: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, dear. Do you want to go home?"

Jay: "Yes, please."

After Jay has left the classroom, the teacher as...

I'm not very popular at school...

...but I read that if I make some funny jokes, people will learn to like me!

So the next day, I went up to a classmate and said,
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?", he replied.
"Tank"
"Tank who?"
"You're welcome!"
I could barely contain my laughter, and even he cracked a smile....

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[long] A guy is driving his brand new Ferrari down the streets

A guy is driving his brand new Ferrari down the streets, as he stops at a trafic light, he recognizes an old friend from high shcool driving a barely functionning Fiero. The guy can't resist making fun of his old classmate and his apparent bad luck with money.

*"Hey Mitch, it's been a long ti...

After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long, luxurious stay at an exclusive Carribean resort.

While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.

Joe approached the man, and seized his hand. "Pet...

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A mosquito had a very tough upbringing

His father was an alcoholic. Many afternoons his father would come drunk and beat his wife and only son, John. John was traumatised by his father’s acts. Every day when he went to school he would cry. Everyday he thought himself that he will be a better mosquito than his father one day.

He c...

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This is a true story

When I was in school, I was surrounded by dumbasses, and this has got to be the most egregious dumbass moment that one of my classmates did.

I was sitting in English class. This guy who is a devout Christian (not that there is anything wrong with that, in and of itself), is scoffing at the th...

Two young boys are talking before school.

“My uncle ran for Senate last year,” the first boy says to his classmate.



“Really?” the second boy asks. “What does he do now?”



“Nothing,” the first boy explains. “He got elected.”

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A teacher and his student were going to school together.

There was a bridge (on a river) on the commute, which everyone used to pass.

That day river wasn't quiet and was rather scary. Still they tried to pass the bridge. But the river water started to come up to bridge.

The student knew how to swim, and he jumped into the river.
The teach...

3 bucks for climbing a tree

A mom picked up her daughter at an elementary school.
The daughter happily hop in the car and said,"Mommy! I earned 30 bucks today!"

"How?" the mom was both surprised and confused.

"My classmate John paid me 3 bucks to climb a tree, and I climbed 10 times!" the daughter replied. ...

THIS IS A TRUE STORY

When I was in my tenth grade biology honors class, we were tasting a compound known as PTC. For those of you that don't know PTC is a chemical that you can either taste, super-taste or not taste at all and it depends entirely on genetics. I couldn't taste it but my tablemate Eric (made up name for p...

Slow typing...

After 25 years... I was chatting with my classmate -my childhood crush online. She asked me why am I typing so slow. I said because my other hand isn't free.
She's not replying anymore.

Lesson learnt
-Never smoke while texting..

Four students carpool to school.

They had a final exam and wanted to impress their classmates, so they agreed to arrive 30 mins late for the exam.

As soon as they arrived late, their teacher asked them why they were late. The driver responded: "we had a flat tire sir"

The teacher said: "very well, why don't the four ...

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transfering to a new school is like opening a pokemon card pack

you dont know if you get the shit classmates or the good classmates

An engineer is walking across campus

And he is stopped by a classmate who says I have to tell you the craziest story.

I was walking through the park and this beautiful blonde was riding by on a bike, she saw me, stopped, got off the bike, took off all her clothes and stood there with her arms wide and said to me, take what you w...

Watt?

Kevin is working on a assignment and forgot what the name was for the messurement unit of electricity. He turns to he his classmate and ask him “can I ask you something”, his classmate answers “yeah, watt is it?”, kevin responds with “yeah I think it is”

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Blind man in a Hotel...

Manager - Menu Sir ??

Man - I'm blind, just bring me ur kitchen spoon, I'll smell it & order.

Manager got a spoon
Blind man smelt & said "Yes, I'll have garlic bread with seasoned potatoes...

"Unbelievable" said the manager...

Every week he came & was corre...

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With an "R"

It's Dirty Johnny's first day in college. He enters his first class in the morning and takes a seat as the Professor walks in.

"Good morning. My name is Prof. Prussy." The class starts to laugh and Prof. Prussy says, "I'm glad you find it funny. Just remember it's with an "R".

That...

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A teacher once told me...

True story:

Remember that ‘Sticks and Stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me’ bullshit??

Well, in Year 4, I heard my teacher say this to another classmate. I raised my hand and said ‘Miss, I don’t think that’s right.’

My teacher asked me why I thought so. So, I...

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A student places dead last in an important physics test.

He doesn't feel too phased and boasts to his classmates that he can still pass. His teacher later pulls him aside and tells him that he doesn't understand the gravity of the situation.

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Little steve had a school homework. He had to go home and ask a family member for an unusual color

He went home after school and went to his mum: “Mom, I need your help for school, can you tell me an unusual color please?”

To which his mother answers: “Let’s see... purple plum”

“Thanks mum I think that is good.”

The next day, steve gets to school and his classmates start sayi...

A Saudi Arabian prince is going to college in England

He texts his father,
"Dad, I feel weird driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates take a train"
His father replies;
"Son, I have transferred 500 million dollars into your account. Go out and buy a train and stop embarrassing this family"

Rich sheik's son studies abroad

The rich sheik's son is sent to Europe to study. After a month, he writes an e-mail to his father:

"Father,
I'm doing great here. My classmates are nice, the professors are great and the courses are well-structured and organized. There's one small thing though - I feel kind of embarrassed ...

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What do you call a person of Irish and Asian descent?

Rice Paddy.

-

Too much of anything can kill you

When I was 10, our teacher made a bold claim..."An unlimited amount of anything can kill you".
Some of my classmates seemed astounded.
"What about food?" they asked.
She replied, "If you eat too much food, you'll become fat and have many health problems, eventually your heart will stop a...

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James Earl Jones joins the U.S. Naval Academy.

Once there, he takes a Calculus II class notorious for its difficulty. Unlike his classmates, he isn't worried, but that all changes when he gets his first exam grade back.

"37%?! How did I do that badly?!" he asks his teacher, Admiral Smith.

"I suggest you study harder, cadet." he re...

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I had a science lesson yesterday in class and the question was something along the lines of "what part of your body would you get rid off?"

Some guy responded, "My spine, It holds me back."

I fuckin' died, especially when my classmates were having pirate reactions. Holy shit.

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A gypsy kid comes home from school and asks his father...

'Dad, am I "outstanding" in reading 'cause I'm a gypsy?'

'No, son. That's 'cause you can read well.'

The next day, the gypsy kid comes home and asks:

'Dad, am I "outstanding" in grammar 'cause I'm a gypsy?'

'No, son. That's 'cause you're good at grammar.'

The next ...

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Jimmy was recently transfered to a new school in the 3rd grade...

It's not because he was a bad students or anything, it's just that his father got a new job as a banker. In fact he was so excited to be in his new school, that the day before the first day of school, he asked his teacher what the students first homework assignment was so he start early. The teacher...

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