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Classmate Jokes

A little boy named Johnny was told by his classmate that all adults have a deep dark secret, and can easily be manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it out, and when he came home, he walked up to his mother and said

“Mom, I know everything” his mom shushes him, gives him $10, and says “just don’t tell your dad”

Johnny does it again, but this time with his dad.

“Dad, I know everything” the dad shushes ...

i watched my classmate murder our professor with a calculator

it was graphic

My classmates admire me because I do not believe the earth is round.

It is quite flattering.

I told my old classmate at our 10-year reunion that I'm a writer. "Oh yeah?" he asks. "Have you sold anything yet?"

I said, "Sure. My house, my car, and all my stuff."

There once was a boy named George Gunderson who did not do very well in school. His classmates ridiculed him every day, as did his teacher, Mrs. Jones. George couldn't stand it, and always came home crying to his parents.

One day, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson decided to come to the school early to give Mrs. Jones a piece of her mind. The second the door opened to let the kids outside, Mr. and Mrs. Gunderson peeked inside to hear Mrs. Jones screaming at George. "George Gunderson, you are the dumbest kid in the world!"
...

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that,

Most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says,...

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4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

Today I can finally say that I've banged all of my classmates

I'm homeschooled


***Sweet home Alabama***

For Halloween, a classmate dressed up as a stormtrooper and shot up the school.

Don’t worry, no one got hurt.

I see that in the US they're complaining about halal meat. They want their meat to be killed the American way...

....but, honestly, what are the chances of a cow enrolling in high school and being shot by a classmate?

Dad, my classmate told the teacher I eat in the class

(Based on a true story)

"Dad, my classmate, Tom, told the teacher I eat in the class"

"OK, my son, did I teach you the art of sharing?"

"Yes, you do, dad. But I can't."

"You know, if you share what you eat with Tom, he probably won't tell the teacher."

"B...

My classmate didn't study for our test in mathematics about probability.

"I'll take my chances", he said.

My girl classmate complimented me on my looks ar school today

Then I remembered it was the first of April

I asked a classmate "Do you know the difference between ignorance and apathy?"

He replied "I don't know and I don't care"

What does a chemistry student call their overperforming, straight, bi-racial classmate?

A hetero-genius mixture!

My sons teacher called me today to tell me he'd hit a classmate with a set of Roman numerals.

That's not what I meant when I told him he should give bullies the old one-two.

My classmates think the math teacher is mean.

I think he's just average.

What is it called when someone steals a large frying pan from a smaller classmate?

Taking a long wok off a short peer.

Little Johnny took a leak with his classmate in the school loo.

His classmate noticed that after peeing, Johnny didn't wash his hands. He then proceeded to ask:

"Johnny, why do you not wash your hands after peeing?"

"Is there a need to do so?"

"Yes! My mum taught me to wash after peeing, to wash off pee in my hands."

"Well, I ...

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

I called an old classmate and asked what he was doing.

He replied that he was working on a project involving "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment".

I was impressed...

Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

Little Jonny and Little Susie are classmates.

Walking home from school, Jonny passed by Cindy's house. Cindy was playing in her yard with her dolls, and like any 10 year old boy, he wanted to tease Cindy. So he walked by and said Cindy, see this ball, this is a boys football you can't have it. With that Cindy went into crying to her mother. Her...

Classmates are like penguins

If you shoot a penguin, it dies.

My daughter is in her room with two of her male classmates for group studies.

I guess they are acing the Q and A as I can hear her shout "Yes ..yes" for quite a long time..

Jim was out shopping with his young daughter and ran into an old college classmate.

"This is Beth," Jim said proudly, introducing his kid.

"And what's Beth short for?" The friend asked.

Puzzled, he replied,"Because she's only three!”

I gave my mute classmate a blackboard to communicate...

But he still won't chalk to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twelve-year-old Timmy was talking with his classmate, Lisa...

Timmy: "Hey Lisa, I'll give you a dollar if we can go in the closet and you let me stick my finger in your belly button."

Lisa: "Okay."

They go into the dark closet.

Lisa: "Hey Timmy! That's not my belly button!"

Timmy: "That's okay. That's not my finger."

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In high school, a classmate once told me that you can go blind if you masturbate.

I never saw her again.

When she was a child, Amy Schumer told her class she wanted to be a comedian. Her classmates laughed at her.

Nobody's laughing now...

I had a classmate who slept with our professor for an "A"

She technically still got a "D"

I received a wedding invitation from a college classmate. In college we were on bad terms, but it seems he’s matured now. I was feeling nostalgic, but when I looked closely at the card it read…

Please circle one.

\- Will not attend

\- Will be absent

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Today my classmate told me: "I have a problem with degenerate homos". I was outraged by his bigoted words..

..until I realised he was talking about our physics homework!

(Glossary: Degenerate - Having the same energy level. HOMO - Highest Occupied Molecular Orbital)

My classmates and I were discussing how difficult the last physics exam was.

"The highest grade was like a 65."
"Dude, I made a 15 on it."
"I did all I could, and I still made a 0."
I scoffed at them,"I got a -4."
"How TF is that even possible?"
I sighed,"Spelt my name wrong."

A classmate asked me if pears grow in America.

I told her to grow a pair and find out.

-Dad,my classmates at school call me a gangster.

-Don't worry son,i will take care of it.
-Alright,but make sure it will look like an accident,huh?

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

One of our classmates got suspended after saying this joke in class

A little girl walks up to her Dad after her Sunday School lessons one day, and she looks upset. The Dad asks "Aw Baby what happened?"

The girl whispers to her Dad, "Daddy the Priest... He...he..."
The Dad sighs deeply, and says "what happened sweetie?"

"He...he told me to stay back ...

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After 40 years as a gynecologist,

John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. ...

A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with my classmate.He called me a sissy."

The mother asked, "What did you do?" The boy replied, "I hit him with my purse!"

Why couldn't the Lutheran math student steal the answers from his classmate?

According to 7th commandment, it was considered an ✓((1/2 i e^(-i x) - 1/2 i e^(i x))^2 )...

I ran into a beggar who turned out to be my college classmate

He was a little embarrassed at first. But after he realized that there's more cash in his tin can than I had in mine, he started acting all arrogant just like before.

Why were Tommy Wiseau's classmates jealous of him?

Because he had high marks

I told my classmate that Jaime Lannister should get Joffrey'd. She said "I will fight for Jaime's rights!"

I said "Don't you mean his lefts?"

My classmate always got mad at me for copying his homework because "I wasn't learning anything."

Joke's on him, though. I just became a monk.

None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity,

especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, “You’re driving me insane, Tyrone.”
One day Tyrone’s mom came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mom honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her...

Why won't Malia and Sasha Obama's classmates gossip about them?

Because they know their father can read their emails.

A school shooter is gunning down his classmates when he sees his ex-girlfriend. Why didn't he kill her?

He missed her.

I'm not very popular at school...

...but I read that if I make some funny jokes, people will learn to like me!

So the next day, I went up to a classmate and said,
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?", he replied.
"Tank"
"Tank who?"
"You're welcome!"
I could barely contain my laughter, and even he cracked a smile....

School shooters have a huge problem: They will miss their classmates.

One way or the other.

A young couple was getting ready to give birth to their first child,

and they had determined that the child should not be named until after it was born, so that they could meet it and make the name based on that first magical moment. On the day of the birth, a beautiful baby girl was born and the parents were instantly smitten.

"It's 'Love.'" said the mother....

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One of my classmates in elementary school was mean to me sometimes, but looking back, I just remember the good things.

Like punching that bastard in the face.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and his classmates were sitting in music class when their teacher announced they would be putting on a play about the history of classical music.

She explained “Each one of you will select a different classical composer to play on stage. Arnold, you get to pick first.”

Everyone turned to look at Arnold and the room got quiet. Arnold stared intently at the teacher and made his decision known.

“I’ll be Bach.”

I want to make a film about a group of friends dealing with their classmate becoming a pop star.

Britney's Peers

True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies,

“Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”

Been laughing at that one all day.

Hospital and Cop

*In class*

Teacher: "Jay, why are you down today?"

Jay: "Because my mom is at the hospital and my dad's at the police station."

Teacher: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, dear. Do you want to go home?"

Jay: "Yes, please."

After Jay has left the classroom, the teacher as...

Slow typing...

After 25 years... I was chatting with my classmate -my childhood crush online. She asked me why am I typing so slow. I said because my other hand isn't free.
She's not replying anymore.

Lesson learnt
-Never smoke while texting..

My son kept asking me for a music player as all his classmates had mp3s

I told him :"Son, if you want real attention, take this mp5"

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Little Johnny and the helpful dog

Little Johnny and his classmates are at school, in class, when they see, through the classroom windows, two dogs humping on the other side of the street. Little Mary has never seen such a scene, and out of curiosity, asks the teacher: "Miss Crabtree, what are those dogs doing? Are they fighting?!"...

Little Zachary was doing terribly at mathematics. He constantly scored F's, and his teachers said that he was dragging far behind his classmates.

His parents tried everything they could to help him improve. Flash cards, tutors, books, nothing seemed to work. Finally, after getting some advice from the counselor, they decided to send him to a Catholic school.

Little Zachary didn't seem to mind. So the next week, he started going to th...

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After many years of hard work, Joe rewarded himself with a long stay at a swanky resort

While relaxing on the beach, he was surprised to see a former high school classmate who he hadn't seen since they graduated. His old friend had been something of a "burnout" in high school, and this was the last place Joe expected to see him.


Joe approached the man, and seized his hand....

Our teacher once told us that only the smartest person in the world can find God.

One of my classmates got furious and claimed that his father found God despite having a low IQ. The teacher asked how, but he simply replied with "He's dead."

A teacher is teaching his class when he notices a student fooling around with a metre stick.

He tells the kid to stop, as it’s distracting. The kid does.

A few minutes later, the kid is tapping his desk with the same metre stick. The teacher tells him to stop, so he does.

Later in the class, the kid is poking his classmates with the metre stick. Once again, the teacher tells...

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What do you call a person of Irish and Asian descent?

Rice Paddy.

-

Two students of architecture, one Italian and one Greek are at a bar to celebrate their graduation

The Italian student proposes an idea his Greek classmate, “Let's meet up again in 10 years, to see how successful we have become”. The Greek student, interested in this proposition, accepts.

10 years later

The Greek man is invited to the home of the Italian man, when he arrives, he is ...

I was at my school disco..

Walking across the hall to get a drink. One of my classmates came up to me and said ‘dude, your shoes are on smoking hot!’

I gave them a smile and kept walking to get a drink. Another classmate then approached me and said ‘hey bro, you’re on fire tonight!’

I gave them a wink and some ...

THIS IS A TRUE STORY

When I was in my tenth grade biology honors class, we were tasting a compound known as PTC. For those of you that don't know PTC is a chemical that you can either taste, super-taste or not taste at all and it depends entirely on genetics. I couldn't taste it but my tablemate Eric (made up name for p...

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The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

First Pupil: "I visited my Nana." Teacher: "Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother."

Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo." Teacher: "Please, you had a ride on a train."

Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time." Teacher: "Excellent. And what was...

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A freshman is talking to the new girl in school. “You’ll like it here,” he tells her. “Everyone is pretty chill, the teachers are all nice, but the principal is kind of a moron.”

“Do you know who I am?” the girl asks her new classmate. “I’m the daughter of the principal.”
The boy is silent and then asks her, “Do you know who I am?”
She shakes her head no. “Good,” says the boy as he walks away.

Awkward college reunions

At the 40th college reunion, Peter met his classmate he hadn't seen since graduation. "John," he said, "you look just like you did in college. You really haven't changed a bit."

"I know," said John. " It was terrible going through college looking like a 61- year old."

A student sits in class, eagerly listening to the lecture.

Next to him, a classmate who is twiddling his thumbs and spinning a pencil.

The teacher finishes the lesson and asks the students to copy the board.

Soon enough, the teacher walks over to the eager student and asks what he’s doing, as he isn’t writing.

Twiddling his thumbs and ...

Earl and Darling are in love

Their relationship is prefect, they date, become engaged, and finally marry.

Then their first child comes and a healthy son is brought into this world. Darling has always been a bit of a hippie and she thinks that "Love" is the perfect name for him. Earl isn't quite sure about this, but he ...

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A science teacher asks her class of sixth graders, “students, what is a part of the body that when stimulated can grow ten times its size?”

Tattletale Susan gets angry in the back and yells, “teacher, that’s a dirty question! You can’t be asking questions like that! I’m gonna have my parents tell the principal and we’re gonna get you fired!”

The teacher ignores her and repeats the question, “alright class, what is a part of the b...

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Boys have a thing and girls don't. Pt 2

*Hijacking the title from the front page*

Little Tommy was coming home from school after any regular Monday of 3th grade. As he passed his classmate Susie’s house, he saw her playing with her dolls in the yard. Being a miserable 9 year old he yelled over to Susie. “Hey Susie, you see this bik...

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Little Timmy was taking a math test in class...

The first question was 3+2.

Timmy used his fingers and counted 5. Easy enough.

For the next question, it was 5+6.

Timmy realized he did not have enough fingers so he asked his classmate,

“Hey, can I borrow your fingers to do this question?”

The teacher immediatel...

A Saudi Arabian prince is going to college in England

He texts his father,
"Dad, I feel weird driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates take a train"
His father replies;
"Son, I have transferred 500 million dollars into your account. Go out and buy a train and stop embarrassing this family"

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A teacher once told me...

True story:

Remember that ‘Sticks and Stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me’ bullshit??

Well, in Year 4, I heard my teacher say this to another classmate. I raised my hand and said ‘Miss, I don’t think that’s right.’

My teacher asked me why I thought so. So, I...

Little Johnny and classmates are asked to bring an edible item to the classroom...

"So, Mary, what did you bring today?", the teacher asks.

"An apple. We love apples at home."

"Great, what about you, Annie?"

"I brought a PB & Jelly sandwich. It's so yummy!"

"Everybody loves those... and you, what did you bring today?"

Little Johnny opens his ...

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[long] A guy is driving his brand new Ferrari down the streets

A guy is driving his brand new Ferrari down the streets, as he stops at a trafic light, he recognizes an old friend from high shcool driving a barely functionning Fiero. The guy can't resist making fun of his old classmate and his apparent bad luck with money.

*"Hey Mitch, it's been a long ti...

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A teacher and his student were going to school together.

There was a bridge (on a river) on the commute, which everyone used to pass.

That day river wasn't quiet and was rather scary. Still they tried to pass the bridge. But the river water started to come up to bridge.

The student knew how to swim, and he jumped into the river.
The teach...

Johnny steals a pencil

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher saying that he stole a pencil from his classmate. His father is furious.

"Johnny, you never never never never steal a pencil from a classmate. This is unacceptable. I can't believe you did this. You're grounded for two weeks. A...

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my school life sucks.

my teachers are awful and give too much homework, they’re also so mean to anyone who tries to ask a question, and are always taking extra time just to pick on me, just being total jerks.

my classmates are equally bad, being big bullies to anyone they see, always stealing my work, tapping thei...

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A boy was not looking forward to lunch.

Everyday his mom would pack a liverwurst sandwich and he hated it. One lunch period his classmate looks over and says, "I hate it when my mom packs me a seabird sandwich for lunch. Wanna trade?" Overjoyed, the boy accepted. All of a sudden a teacher grabs him and asks, "Did you trade sandwiches?"...

An engineer is walking across campus

And he is stopped by a classmate who says I have to tell you the craziest story.

I was walking through the park and this beautiful blonde was riding by on a bike, she saw me, stopped, got off the bike, took off all her clothes and stood there with her arms wide and said to me, take what you w...

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The science teacher asked Johnny, "What is your favorite planet, Johnny?"

"Hmm..." Johnny thought, as the classmates started to laugh.

"Please don't say it," the teacher sighed.

"I was gonna say Mars," said Johnny "but Uranus looks good too!"

Back in Middle School...

I had a classmate named Standing. Every time he got in trouble, our teacher would call him outstanding.

When he got sent out, one of his kind and caring friends would go downstairs to do the same thing just to show that he was understanding.

A guy was watching TV in Moscow, and the weather forecaster says that it's -35C (-31F) in Irkutsk, Siberia.

The guy is impressed, and he remembers that he had a classmate who moved to Irkutsk. So he finds his number and calls him. "Hey, how are you doing? I heard you have really terrible temperature in Irkutsk, right?" "No, why, we have, like, -5C (23F) here", replies his friend. "Oh, and the weather ...

Rich sheik's son studies abroad

The rich sheik's son is sent to Europe to study. After a month, he writes an e-mail to his father:

"Father,
I'm doing great here. My classmates are nice, the professors are great and the courses are well-structured and organized. There's one small thing though - I feel kind of embarrassed ...

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At a university for wizards, an undergrad was having a big week. He had just learned his first spell. Freeze, Level 1.

Turns out he was a natural. By the second day, he could freeze his classmates for ten seconds. When Friday came, the professor declared he was ready for the final project: to freeze people in public.

Over the weekend, he went looking for a place to cast. He needed somewhere with a lot of peop...

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A gypsy kid comes home from school and asks his father...

'Dad, am I "outstanding" in reading 'cause I'm a gypsy?'

'No, son. That's 'cause you can read well.'

The next day, the gypsy kid comes home and asks:

'Dad, am I "outstanding" in grammar 'cause I'm a gypsy?'

'No, son. That's 'cause you're good at grammar.'

The next ...

3 bucks for climbing a tree

A mom picked up her daughter at an elementary school.
The daughter happily hop in the car and said,"Mommy! I earned 30 bucks today!"

"How?" the mom was both surprised and confused.

"My classmate John paid me 3 bucks to climb a tree, and I climbed 10 times!" the daughter replied. ...

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Blind man in a Hotel...

Manager - Menu Sir ??

Man - I'm blind, just bring me ur kitchen spoon, I'll smell it & order.

Manager got a spoon
Blind man smelt & said "Yes, I'll have garlic bread with seasoned potatoes...

"Unbelievable" said the manager...

Every week he came & was corre...

A victim of bullying on death row

There was once a man who was bullied for looking sort of like a clown, with pale skin and a red nose. After years of being bullied by classmates and coworkers alike, he snaps and commits a homicide in the office he worked at.

For the murders of several people, he gets put on death row.
Aft...

I was watching Star Wars in English Class

And a classmate says "metaphors be with you"

Science teacher fail.

Little Johnny is on a field trip with his science class; they're in the woods.
Johnny spies a snake. He asks "Hey teacher, is this snake poisonous"?
The teacher responds "No, that snake is not poisonous".

Johnny catches the snake. He proudly shows it off to his classmates. The snake tur...

Little Johnny Murphy goes to confession

He confesses to the priest that he has had inappropriate contact with a female classmate.
The priest asks "was it with Debbie O'Connell?" To which Johnny replied "no"
The priest asks again "was it with Mary O'Malley?"
Johnny again replied "no".
The preist gives up and tells Johnny to s...

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A student places dead last in an important physics test.

He doesn't feel too phased and boasts to his classmates that he can still pass. His teacher later pulls him aside and tells him that he doesn't understand the gravity of the situation.

Tom was not the brightest kid in his school.

None of his classmates liked him. He was plain stupid when it came to even simplest stuff. His teacher always told him "you're driving me crazy".

One day, Tom's mother visited school and when she spoke to teacher, the teacher directly said: "Your child is absolutely stupid, not only his grad...

I helped a Granny cross the road...

A father waits for his son to come home from school. The son is an hour late.

"Where were you?" asks the father.

Son: "I helped a Granny cross the road!"

Father: "I'm proud of you! Such a fine deed deserves to be rewarded - here's $5."

The next day, the father is waiting...

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