My landlord wanted to talk to me about my high heating bill...

I said, "come on by, my door is always open."

(thanks to u/porichoygupto)

A lawyer wanted to buy an apartment for his family, but kept being denied by landlords because he had 8 kids.

People keep telling him to lie about how many kids he has, but being a lawyer, he feels too guilty to lie. One day, however, he decides that enough is enough. He tells his wife to take the 7 younger kids with her and go to the cemetery. He then takes the oldest kid and brings him to visit a new apar...

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I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

My wife and I were on our last warning with the landlord.

Then one day I phoned reluctantly and said, "Mate, I just did an enormous poo and now there's a blockage."



"Goodness me," he cried. "You guys can't do anything right can you? What has your wife said?"



I said, "Next time don't use the sink."

What did the yoga instructor say to her landlord before she was evicted?

Namaste

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The Wife and The Landlord

"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my...

Landlords are so stuck up

They act like they own the place.

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An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."

"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceil...

My landlord is threatening to kick me out because I haven't made a single rental payment in years.

She said, "Listen son, your 35. Don't you think you should get a place of your own?"

Classic pub joke

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman walk in a bar and the landlord says “is this some kind of joke?!”

Landlord: That Spanish actor out of Skyfall was kicking off in my pub the other night.

Customer: Javier Bardem?

Landlord: No, but he IS on his final warning.

A duck walks into a pub

and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"

"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich ...

The Perfect Landlord

“Sir you have got to help!” said the tearful man at the door. “There is a family that I know very well that is in desperate need of money. The Father has been out of a job for over a year, they have five kids at home with barely a bit of food to eat. The worst part is, that they are about to kicked ...

Did you ever hear of the landlord who played favorites?

He only did maintenance for his main tenants.

I always impress my landlord with my water bill

Every month he messages me and says it’s ‘outstanding’ and I always message him back, ‘thanks!’

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I hope my new landlord isn't gay

I hear they're always uptight assholes

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So a tenant barges through the door to his landlord's office. "You gotta do something! She's out there every day and it's disgusting!"

"Who is?" the startled landlord asks.

"There's this watersports hooker. She hangs around the front lobby. You gotta get rid of her!"

The landlord scratches his head. "I can guess you might think she's a hooker from her clothing, but what makes you think she's into watersports!?"
...

What do cuckolds and landlords have in common?

Neither of them want to give you your deposit back.

My apartment has more than nine ants, but my landlord refuses to get rid of them.

He claims they have **ten ants' rights**.

Why was the landlord seeing a psychiatrist?

He had an apartment complex.

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A man walks into a bar.....

"What'll it be, sir?" asks the landlord.

"A pint of the black stuff if you please" replies the man.

"I just need to change the barrel, help yourself to some nuts while I nip down to the cellar".

Noticing the bowl of nuts for the first time, the man reaches to take a few. As he ...

Knock Knock

Who's there?

The landlord

(Pauses)
The landlord who?

There’s a road train in the outback and it hits a wild boar

The driver, seeing a lot of meat on it, puts it in one of the compartments to sell at one of the stops. He sells it to the landlord at a hotel he’s staying at. The next he walks down to the dining room and asks for breakfast. The landlord says
“We’ve got roast pork, barbecued pork, pork sausages,...

A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman were drinking at a bar

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs
back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The
landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my...

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Quasimodo walks into a bar and asks for a whisky.

Landlord: "Bells alright?"

Quasimodo: "Mind your own fucking business."

A man moves to town and hunts around for an apartment to rent

A man moves to town and hunts around for an apartment to rent, but he’s turned down by most landlords because of his large dog (mastiff, doberman, etc.). He finally secures a carriage house that’s in the backyard of a house owned by two old women by assuring the ladies that the dog is perfectly frie...

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Found this on Twitter

Me: My hot water doesn’t work

Landlord: Not my domain .

Firelord: Nor mine.

Me: What?

Waterlord: [rising out of the sink] WHO DARES DISRUPT THE MIGHTY WATERLORD, GOD OF THE 7 SEAS?

Me: I..I do. My hot water doesn’t work.

Waterlord: Oh shit for real? I'll cal...

Punny Ant Jokes

What is the dumbest ant?
Ignorant.

What is the bossier ant?
Tyrant.

How many insects does it take to make a landlord?
Ten ants.

What ant is the biggest?
Elephant.

What ant is a military officer?
Sergeant.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar..

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and ...

Isaac stood at the door of the synagogue, with an outstretched hand, asking:

"Donate a coin for charity! Donate a coin for charity!"

Then comes the Rabbi: "Hey, Isaac, what are you doing?"

Isaac: "Rabbi, I'm raising money for a widow, mother of three little boys, who's 3 months behind in rent. If she doesn't pay 1,500 Euro by the end of the day, she's going to ...

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Charles, Angus and Patrick had just broken out of prison

Knowing that the police were hot on their tails, they dashed into the nearest building they could find; and old pub. Worried that the police would arrive at any second, they headed into the basement to hide. In the basement they found three large burlap sacks, which they hastily climbed into in an a...

How do you know if your neighbourhood is french?

The landlord is missing

An immigrant moves to New York City from another country...

He can bearly speak broken English. He notices mice in his apartment and immediately calls the landlord to report the problem. Hello!

-Hello, what’s the problem?

-You know Tom and Jerry?

-Yes, Tom and Jerry?

-Well, Jerry problem.

The new tenants

Landlord: How are the new tenants above you.

Renter: They are ok. But it sounds like they are bang on the floor every night at 1 in the morning.

Landlord: That is outrageous. I will talk to them at once.

Renter: No. It is really not that big of a deal. I am usually up then...

Rather than kill it, my girlfriend told me to catch this spider in our kitchen and take him out.

So I did. I got a big ol' jar and put it over him then slid an index card under and flipped. Apply lid to jar, phase one was complete.

Next step, take him out. I opened the door and went outside. I walked across my lawn to the street where my car was parked. I got in my car with my jar-spide...

A man and his son were walking through a dark coastal town.

They couldn't fathom why it was so dark. So they made their ways to an old harbourside Inn, and spoke to the landlord. He said that since their only source of energy ran out the town was suffering blackouts and there was nothing they could do about it without the funding for some cleaner, greener en...

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A drunk walks into a pub.

He goes up to the bar and sees a curious looking bottle bubbling away with mist emanating from the top. Slightly flummoxed he asks the landlord, “What’s this about then?”

The landlord replies, “Well, this is a mystic potion, a concoction of my very own in fact. Take a sip and it’ll magically ...

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town.

One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn’t happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

“Miss Fitzgerald”, he said sternly. “This is no place for a membe...

A man is late on his rent...

His landlord is threatening to evict him.

So he lies "I sent the payment last week I swear! Hey you know the old Czechoslovakian guy that lives below me, Jaroslav? I saw him going through everyone's mail the other day. He must have stole it!"

The landlord calls the cops and the elderl...

Going to look at an apartment

Guest: Does this apartment come with a dishwasher?
Landlord: No, that's why we posted an ad...

The doorbell rings and the son walks to open the door.

- Who is it?
- It's the landlord, I'm here to collect rent.
- Mom! It's the landlord. Do you have money or should I go play outside again?

Champ, the much-loved pub mascot.

Ted was the landlord of the Nag's Head pub. Every night, the same guys would turn up, have a few pints of beer, share a conversation and the occasional game of darts or dominoes. At 8pm every night, Ted would receive a visit from one of his other regulars - Champ, a stray dog who always came for a b...

Two women are having a conversation at work...

Woman 1: How was your evening?

Woman 2: It was a disaster. My Husband came home, ate his dinner, and immediately fell asleep. How was yours?

W1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we went for a nice stroll. Then, when we came ho...

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I recently sold my house. I got a great price for it.

My landlord was pretty pissed though.

Brewers Convention

There's a big convention of brewers from all over the world. At the end of the first day, Nils, Hank and Paddy go for a drink together to share their thoughts. They get settled at the bar, and the landlord comes over to take their order.

Nils says, "I've worked for Carlsberg for ten years, so...

Could have been worse…

Billy tells his friend, John, that he lost his job the day before.

John, being the optimist, tells him that things could have been worse.

A few days later, Billy tells John that his wife left him.

John, being the optimist, tells him that things could have been worse.

A fe...

11 jokes from the world's oldest joke book

1. A Student Dunce Goes Swimming

"A student dunce went swimming and almost drowned. So now he swears he'll never get into water until he's really learned to swim."

2 An Intellectual Visits a Friend

"An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man...

Did you hear about the time Hitler and Stalin shared an apartment?

It turns out that their landlord was the lessor to two evils.

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A guy walks into a bar...

After a long day of work, a guy walks into an empty bar. He looks around and sees no one, but suddenly hears a voice say:

- "You look nice."

He jumps and spins around - but no one is there.

*Again he hears the voice:*

- "That coat looks good on you."

*He looks puzz...

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The Note

This is a joke my dad used to always tell.

A few homeless men are sitting around a fire telling stories about how the poor choices in their lives led them to poverty and eventually to living on the street. Tonight there is a newcomer to the little group and the old members are curious about h...

Shakespeare & The Beatles walk into a pub...

...Landlord says, "sorry mate, you're barred and those guys are banned".

100 kisses

A miser wrote a letter to his wife saying that he can’t send her money this month, so he sends hundred kisses instead.

She replied a month later saying: “Thanks for the kisses, dear, because they helped me a lot. Here’s how I spent them: 2 kisses for the milkman, 7 for the grocer, the landlor...

One night at a pub . . .

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.

The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."

The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, ...

A man walks into a pub...

... And orders his regular ale from the landlord.
The landlord duly pours him the pint, places it on the bar, but as the man reaches for it a dog runs in, grabs the pint, downs it and runs out the door.
"That's very strange" exclaims the landlord, "let me get you another".
So the landlord ...

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The first customer into a new bar...

walks over to the barman.
"Jack and coke please, mate." he says. The barman, without a word, bends down and pulls an apple from the fridge, placing it on the bar in front of his customer. "Er... I asked for a Jack Daniels and coke, mate." says the guy, confused.
"Just bite it." says the ba...

A Husband working in UK wrote to his wife in India.

Dear Sunita Darling,
I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected
my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart, please understand and adjust with this situation.
Your loving husband,
His wife replied
Hey hubby...

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What is cold?

What is cold?
(note: to get the temperature into Fahrenheit: multiply by 9, divide by 5, then add 32)

+10°C
The inhabitants of Helsinki (Finland) turn off their heating.
The Laps (inhabitants of Lapland) plant flowers.

+5°C
The Laps take a sun-bath (if the sun gets over the...

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A man decides he wants to get a pet, so he goes to the pet store

And when he gets there, he sees a parrot with no legs sitting on a perch. He walks up to the parrot and asks it how it manages to stay on the perch. The parrot answers: "I have figured out how to wrap my penis around things, so I can remain seated without my legs." The man, intrigued by this decides...

A man walks into a bar with a piece of green tarmac on his head...

The landlord says to the rest of the customers:

"Don't talk to him! He's a **cycle path**!"

Ba Dum Tss!

House Hunting (1950's era, found in late grandmother's things; typewritten)

A young couple about to be married were looking over a house in the country. After satisfying themselves that it was suitable they started for home. During the return journey the young lady was seemingly absorbed in deep thought, and being asked the reason of her silence, she asked the question: ...

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A woman out with her friend over a cup of coffee, lamented

that her bastard husband wanted her to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker, hoping that she was good enough in bed to cover the months rent.
"You didn't do it really, honestly, did you?" asked her friend.
"Yup, I have to admit, I did it. But what I didn't d...

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