A lawyer wanted to buy an apartment for his family, but kept being denied by landlords because he had 8 kids.

People keep telling him to lie about how many kids he has, but being a lawyer, he feels too guilty to lie. One day, however, he decides that enough is enough. He tells his wife to take the 7 younger kids with her and go to the cemetery. He then takes the oldest kid and brings him to visit a new apar...

What’s a landlord’s favourite song?

Fur elise

Landlord of the ants

I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically in my room. I felt bad, so I made a small house for them out of a cardboard box.

This technically makes me their landlord and they are my
.
.
.
Tenants.

What do landlords contribute to society?

A great source of protein

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The air in my apartment was so dry that we were getting shocked every time we touched a faucet or door knob. So, was I happy that my landlord finally installed a humidifier ?

I was ecstatic.

(So we're my kids, when I told them they weren't going to be grounded any more.)

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I went to a pub and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi code.

"Oh no," he said, "there's no wifi in here; people used to sit talking in pubs about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot - now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see; therefore, no wifi in this pub."

"You know what?" I replied, "You're right!" an...

When I was little, I wanted to be a landlord.

Now that I’m 30, I realized it’s never going to happen for me. So to cheer myself up I bought an ant fart with almost a dozen ants. It’s great! I can pretend to be a landlord, and they can be my ten ants.

My landlord is threatening to kick me out because I haven't made a single rental payment in years.

She said, "Listen son, your 35. Don't you think you should get a place of your own?"

My landlord was banging on my door and yelling to me all morning.

I suppose I should let him out.

My Uncle John's Bathroom Reader calendar has these jokes from Philogelos ("Love of Laughter"), the oldest surviving joke book, dating back to the 4th century AD. They held up surprisingly well.

* A cheapskate wrote his will and named himself as the heir.
* An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had departed, the intellectual replied, "When he arrives back, tell him that I stopped by."
* An envious landlord saw how happy hi...

The definition of stupidity is When you have a Land Rover, a Land Cruiser....

But still have a Landlord.....

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I was in the park with my dog and I said to this bloke, "Which way did you vote regarding Brexit?". “I voted to leave" he replied. With that my dog bit him. Later that day, I was down the pub and I asked the landlord the same question and he replied “I voted to remain” and my dog bit him too.

My dog doesn't give a fuck about politics.

As a landlord, the most laid-back renters I ever had were a Chinese restaurant.

They were lo mein tenants.

My landlord asked me out on a date

He said I should be out of the house by the 17th

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A tenant goes to the landlord and tells him there are mice in his apartment

-I know these kinds of hoaxes, it wont work on me, but let me see those "mice" you're talking about - says the landlord.

So they go to the apartment that is right on the top of the building, they open the door and ... no mice whatsoever.

The landlord angrily asks the tenant why he so b...

Short but Sweet.

A Scotsman, an Irishman and a Brit walk into a pub.

The landlord sees them from behind the bar and asks, "Is this a joke?"

My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is

I told him, "My door is always open".

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Landlord tells blonde she has to suck his dick to pay rent

She blows him, swallows, and says, "Now can I pay rent?"

Landlords are so stuck up

They act like they own the place.

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3 friends go to a castle

When they arrive the landlord tells them to be cautious because there is a ghost living there. They don't think too much of it and they enter. That night one of the guys needs to go to the bathroom. The other are joking about him being scared of the ghost. The guy leaves to the bathroom and then he ...

Who is David Tennant's arch enemy?

David Landlord

The Perfect Landlord

“Sir you have got to help!” said the tearful man at the door. “There is a family that I know very well that is in desperate need of money. The Father has been out of a job for over a year, they have five kids at home with barely a bit of food to eat. The worst part is, that they are about to kicked ...

I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord

I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him

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A man walks into an insect shop...

and asks for several bags of cockroaches.

"What are you using all the cockroaches for?" the cashier asks.

"Well..." the man said, "the landlord asked I leave his property the same way I found it."

What is the opposite of a Mermaid...

... a landlord!!

(this is my sister’s joke, I can’t take credit for it)

My wife and I were on our last warning with the landlord.

Then one day I phoned reluctantly and said, "Mate, I just did an enormous poo and now there's a blockage."



"Goodness me," he cried. "You guys can't do anything right can you? What has your wife said?"



I said, "Next time don't use the sink."

What did the yoga instructor say to her landlord before she was evicted?

Namaste

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The tenant calls furiously his landlord...

Puzzled by the call, the landlord goes to the tenant's house and knocks the door. As the door opens, he glimpses next to the roof a small fish moving its tail gracefully.

**Tenant**: Oh here you are, how dare to ask such a rent for this crappy house??

**Landlord**: I'm not following yo...

Landlord: That Spanish actor out of Skyfall was kicking off in my pub the other night.

Customer: Javier Bardem?

Landlord: No, but he IS on his final warning.

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Well, it's a well story.

When I was in my 5th grade, my English teacher told this story.
Once there lived a landlord in a village.He was rich. He had a daughter which meant the world to him. One day while he was on his way to work, he heard the news that his daughter fell inside a well, while she was playing. He immediat...

Motel Coronavirus

Motel Coronavirus



On a dim dreary morning

Ceiling fan stirs the air

Stale beer and Doritos

Littered next to my chair

Just outside of my window

Saw a glimmer of light

My eyes were bloodshot and my head pounding

I hadn't slept all last ni...

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar..

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.

When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and ...

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The Wife and The Landlord

"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my...

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A blonde woman receives an eviction notice after falling behind on rent.

She goes to her landlord's office to talk to him. "Look, I've lost my job and have no money to pay the rent," she says. "But, please don't kick me out. I have nowhere else to go. I'll do anything if you let me stay."

"Anything?" asks the landlord.

"Yes, absolutely anything."

The...

Asking for charity

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman well-known for her charity.

“Please, mam,” he says when she opens up, “can you help this poor, tragic family at the other end of the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into...

Did you ever hear of the landlord who played favorites?

He only did maintenance for his main tenants.

An English man, Irishman and a Scotsman were drinking at a bar.

Suddenly, the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local in London , the barman wi...

A rowdy William Shakespeare walks in to a pub

The landlord says "Oi, you're Bard!"

My apartment has more than nine ants, but my landlord refuses to get rid of them.

He claims they have **ten ants' rights**.

Why was the landlord seeing a psychiatrist?

He had an apartment complex.

A man moves to town and hunts around for an apartment to rent

A man moves to town and hunts around for an apartment to rent, but he’s turned down by most landlords because of his large dog (mastiff, doberman, etc.). He finally secures a carriage house that’s in the backyard of a house owned by two old women by assuring the ladies that the dog is perfectly frie...

I really hope the US collected a security deposit from Trump...

I can't imagine the damage repair bill the landlord is going to be stuck with.

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An 80 year old blind man walks into a pub and sits at the bar.

He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."

"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".

The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceil...

I was arguing with a friend the other day...

They said 'I thought you said you were a landlord'.

'No,' I replied, 'I said I had a complex'.

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

A duck walks into a pub

and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"

"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.

"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich ...

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Two spiral galaxies walk into a pub.

The landlord says "Piss off - you're barred."

I rented a house out of town.

It looks so isolated and peaceful. I asked the landlord if the house was rented by anyone before. He said that the house was previously rented by many ones. I asked why they left house and he said that they never left the house. I didn't get what he said.

An old pub had a dog called Rover

An old pub had a dog called Rover, who all the patrons loved. Unfortunately, one day Rover passed away. To honour the passing of their beloved dog, they cut off his tail and pinned it above the fireplace.

With this, Rover went up to doggy heaven where he was met at the pearly white gates by S...

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Found this on Twitter

Me: My hot water doesn’t work

Landlord: Not my domain .

Firelord: Nor mine.

Me: What?

Waterlord: [rising out of the sink] WHO DARES DISRUPT THE MIGHTY WATERLORD, GOD OF THE 7 SEAS?

Me: I..I do. My hot water doesn’t work.

Waterlord: Oh shit for real? I'll cal...

Knock Knock

Who's there?

The landlord

(Pauses)
The landlord who?

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Quasimodo walks into a bar and asks for a whisky.

Landlord: "Bells alright?"

Quasimodo: "Mind your own fucking business."

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Charles, Angus and Patrick had just broken out of prison

Knowing that the police were hot on their tails, they dashed into the nearest building they could find; and old pub. Worried that the police would arrive at any second, they headed into the basement to hide. In the basement they found three large burlap sacks, which they hastily climbed into in an a...

The new tenants

Landlord: How are the new tenants above you.

Renter: They are ok. But it sounds like they are bang on the floor every night at 1 in the morning.

Landlord: That is outrageous. I will talk to them at once.

Renter: No. It is really not that big of a deal. I am usually up then...

Punny Ant Jokes

What is the dumbest ant?
Ignorant.

What is the bossier ant?
Tyrant.

How many insects does it take to make a landlord?
Ten ants.

What ant is the biggest?
Elephant.

What ant is a military officer?
Sergeant.

A man is late on his rent...

His landlord is threatening to evict him.

So he lies "I sent the payment last week I swear! Hey you know the old Czechoslovakian guy that lives below me, Jaroslav? I saw him going through everyone's mail the other day. He must have stole it!"

The landlord calls the cops and the elderl...

Isaac stood at the door of the synagogue, with an outstretched hand, asking:

"Donate a coin for charity! Donate a coin for charity!"

Then comes the Rabbi: "Hey, Isaac, what are you doing?"

Isaac: "Rabbi, I'm raising money for a widow, mother of three little boys, who's 3 months behind in rent. If she doesn't pay 1,500 Euro by the end of the day, she's going to ...

A man named Naver fell in love with a woman named Yoo

After a while of awkward conversations, Naver confessed his love to Yoo. Yoo accepted, and they started dating. It started small, going to the movies, and eventually they moved in with eachother.
Eventually, they got married, had a massive wedding, inviting all of their friends, family, and the...

Rather than kill it, my girlfriend told me to catch this spider in our kitchen and take him out.

So I did. I got a big ol' jar and put it over him then slid an index card under and flipped. Apply lid to jar, phase one was complete.

Next step, take him out. I opened the door and went outside. I walked across my lawn to the street where my car was parked. I got in my car with my jar-spide...

How do you know if your neighbourhood is french?

The landlord is missing

The Reverend John Flapps

The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church
in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he
noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub
drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open
door of the pub and sat down ne...

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A drunk walks into a pub.

He goes up to the bar and sees a curious looking bottle bubbling away with mist emanating from the top. Slightly flummoxed he asks the landlord, “What’s this about then?”

The landlord replies, “Well, this is a mystic potion, a concoction of my very own in fact. Take a sip and it’ll magically ...

11 jokes from the world's oldest joke book

1. A Student Dunce Goes Swimming

"A student dunce went swimming and almost drowned. So now he swears he'll never get into water until he's really learned to swim."

2 An Intellectual Visits a Friend

"An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man...

Two women are having a conversation at work...

Woman 1: How was your evening?

Woman 2: It was a disaster. My Husband came home, ate his dinner, and immediately fell asleep. How was yours?

W1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we went for a nice stroll. Then, when we came ho...

Brewers Convention

There's a big convention of brewers from all over the world. At the end of the first day, Nils, Hank and Paddy go for a drink together to share their thoughts. They get settled at the bar, and the landlord comes over to take their order.

Nils says, "I've worked for Carlsberg for ten years, so...

Champ, the much-loved pub mascot.

Ted was the landlord of the Nag's Head pub. Every night, the same guys would turn up, have a few pints of beer, share a conversation and the occasional game of darts or dominoes. At 8pm every night, Ted would receive a visit from one of his other regulars - Champ, a stray dog who always came for a b...

The doorbell rings and the son walks to open the door.

- Who is it?
- It's the landlord, I'm here to collect rent.
- Mom! It's the landlord. Do you have money or should I go play outside again?

A man and his son were walking through a dark coastal town.

They couldn't fathom why it was so dark. So they made their ways to an old harbourside Inn, and spoke to the landlord. He said that since their only source of energy ran out the town was suffering blackouts and there was nothing they could do about it without the funding for some cleaner, greener en...

Could have been worse…

Billy tells his friend, John, that he lost his job the day before.

John, being the optimist, tells him that things could have been worse.

A few days later, Billy tells John that his wife left him.

John, being the optimist, tells him that things could have been worse.

A fe...

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The Note

This is a joke my dad used to always tell.

A few homeless men are sitting around a fire telling stories about how the poor choices in their lives led them to poverty and eventually to living on the street. Tonight there is a newcomer to the little group and the old members are curious about h...

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I recently sold my house. I got a great price for it.

My landlord was pretty pissed though.

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Did you hear about the time Hitler and Stalin shared an apartment?

It turns out that their landlord was the lessor to two evils.

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A guy walks into a bar...

After a long day of work, a guy walks into an empty bar. He looks around and sees no one, but suddenly hears a voice say:

- "You look nice."

He jumps and spins around - but no one is there.

*Again he hears the voice:*

- "That coat looks good on you."

*He looks puzz...

100 kisses

A miser wrote a letter to his wife saying that he can’t send her money this month, so he sends hundred kisses instead.

She replied a month later saying: “Thanks for the kisses, dear, because they helped me a lot. Here’s how I spent them: 2 kisses for the milkman, 7 for the grocer, the landlor...

One night at a pub . . .

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around.

The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy."

The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, ...

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The first customer into a new bar...

walks over to the barman.
"Jack and coke please, mate." he says. The barman, without a word, bends down and pulls an apple from the fridge, placing it on the bar in front of his customer. "Er... I asked for a Jack Daniels and coke, mate." says the guy, confused.
"Just bite it." says the ba...

Shakespeare & The Beatles walk into a pub...

...Landlord says, "sorry mate, you're barred and those guys are banned".

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What is cold?

What is cold?
(note: to get the temperature into Fahrenheit: multiply by 9, divide by 5, then add 32)

+10°C
The inhabitants of Helsinki (Finland) turn off their heating.
The Laps (inhabitants of Lapland) plant flowers.

+5°C
The Laps take a sun-bath (if the sun gets over the...

A man walks into a pub...

... And orders his regular ale from the landlord.
The landlord duly pours him the pint, places it on the bar, but as the man reaches for it a dog runs in, grabs the pint, downs it and runs out the door.
"That's very strange" exclaims the landlord, "let me get you another".
So the landlord ...

A man walks into a bar with a piece of green tarmac on his head...

The landlord says to the rest of the customers:

"Don't talk to him! He's a **cycle path**!"

Ba Dum Tss!

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A man decides he wants to get a pet, so he goes to the pet store

And when he gets there, he sees a parrot with no legs sitting on a perch. He walks up to the parrot and asks it how it manages to stay on the perch. The parrot answers: "I have figured out how to wrap my penis around things, so I can remain seated without my legs." The man, intrigued by this decides...

A Husband working in UK wrote to his wife in India.

Dear Sunita Darling,
I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected
my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart, please understand and adjust with this situation.
Your loving husband,
His wife replied
Hey hubby...

House Hunting (1950's era, found in late grandmother's things; typewritten)

A young couple about to be married were looking over a house in the country. After satisfying themselves that it was suitable they started for home. During the return journey the young lady was seemingly absorbed in deep thought, and being asked the reason of her silence, she asked the question: ...

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A woman out with her friend over a cup of coffee, lamented

that her bastard husband wanted her to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker, hoping that she was good enough in bed to cover the months rent.
"You didn't do it really, honestly, did you?" asked her friend.
"Yup, I have to admit, I did it. But what I didn't d...

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The Tortured Life of a Tractor Enthusiast (Very Shaggy Dog Joke!)

So there was this guy Dave, and Dave had always loved tractors despite being a city boy. Ever since he had been 5 years old he had wanted to own one in particular, a massive green John Deere with yellow wheels. For his tenth birthday his parents brought him a poster of this tractor and Dave worship...

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