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I think my coworkers are gay

Every time I walk by, they mumble "what an ass"

Bob and a few of his coworkers go out to lunch to celebrate Bob's birthday.

Bob, Tim, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says, "Good afternoon fellas! Welcome to Ruby Taste Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you're here to celebrate a special occasion?"

Susan pipes up, "It's Bob's birth...

Today a tunnel my coworkers were in collapsed trapping the entire work crew inside.

I would report it to the police but it sounds like a miner problem.

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If my coworker had a dollar for every time i made a sexist joke...

She would have ¢0.77

Half my coworkers are imposters

They pretend to do the tasks and sabotage everything.

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An old man is hosting his retirement dinner with his family, friends and coworkers

He’d lived a long life- when he was only 25 he went on a mission trip to South America where he met two young boys who he later adopted. Seeing the standard of living in South America prompted him to study medicine- a field he completely excelled in and successfully developed vaccines for over ten d...

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My British coworker

My British coworker is new to America, and he delights in telling me and my other coworkers about all things British. Today he was trying to explain Cockney rhyming slang - things like saying "have a butcher's" instead of "have a look", because "butcher's hook" rhymes with "look"; or "a cup of Ro...

A zookeeper called a coworker at home and said they were out of camel food.

The zookeeer at home said, “alpaca lunch”.

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My coworker told me about his dark past as a porn actor,

He was the husband who got cheated on

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I got into a discussion with my coworker today about surnames. How they originated from what people were known for. Smith, shoemaker, etc.

Well my great great great great great great grandfather's name was Horace P. Horsefucker.
He got a bad rap. It was consensual...though the horse said neigh.

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

Me and a coworker were talking behind our boss' back.

When she found out she came up to us and said : "You disgust me".

And I said : "Yes, yes we did".

Why are cows such great coworkers?

Because they’re out standing in their field.


My 8-year-old nephew said this joke today and he can’t stop laughing. I thought you all would enjoy it.

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HR said I'm not allowed to make up names for my coworkers.

I hope Frankie Fuckface is fucking happy now.

My coworker told me he used to have the same wireless earbuds as mine until his dog ate them...

Now he has blue teeth.

A coworker competing with me for a promotion sent me this message: "armed conflict between different nations or states or different groups within a nation or state."

This means war.

Dad jokes from my coworker that he won’t stop saying all day long...

I really hate when non dads say dad jokes. It’s such a faux-pa

We had a storm the other night and 25% of my roof flew away. Oof.

You know lance just isn’t as common of a name as it used to be. You know when it was? The Middle Ages. Guys were named lance a lot.

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Not your average blonde joke

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is eas...

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Me and another coworker were competing to see who was the best at our drug testing job. I was winning until i misplaced a felon's probation samples.

So I guess I lost that pissing contest

My boss said that I intimidate my coworkers

I stared at him until he apologized.

Drugs are a lot like my coworkers

My wife does most of them

A coworker came over to my cubicle and asked if we have a ruler in the office.

Me: No, but we have a boss.

A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.

He’s the new temp.

A coworker of mine recently took a break to go buy a pack of smokes from the corner store. He didn’t return so I guess that was his way of quitting.

Just like my dad

My girlfriend has a tickle fetish, so I decided to practice on my coworkers

Unfortunately I was fired when my test-tickles were exposed to upper management.

I told my coworker he should introduce himself like James Bond

The name's Moore, Steve Moore. At least that's what the ladies say.

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A coworker asked me my thoughts on “Disband the Police”...

I told him I don’t really listen to them much, but I enjoyed their album “Synchronicity.”

If professionals make difficult tasks look easy, what do you call someone who makes easy tasks look difficult?

A coworker

Someone told me today is "slap your irritating coworker day" but I don't think that's right

"Get slapped by your co-workers day" would be more accurate.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.



Turns out she felt the same way. So I turned the airconditioning on.

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A coworker told me a joke about Oedipus and King Midas today.

It was motherfucking gold.

A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”

“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

I saw two coworkers at the Costco butcher station being unfriendly to each other.

It seemed like there was some beef between them

My coworker was showing off a tattoo, and I said I couldn't get any for myself.

I said, "if I got a tattoo, I couldn't be buried in a Jewish cemetery."

"Oh! I didn't know you were Jewish!"

"I'm not. That's the third reason I couldn't be buried in a Jewish cemetery."

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If I had a dollar for every time this female coworker said something sexist in the office.

I wouldn't feel surprised for receiving the credit and compensation for her ideas.

I just came back from a coworker's funeral who died when he was hit on the head by a tennis ball..

It was a lovely service..

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My coworker treat me like a god

when some shit happen, they crucify me

My coworker is in the hospital after eating a medium-well cooked cheeseburger

It was my cheeseburger.

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My coworker told me she should become a gynaecologist

Because she’s experienced in working with cunts

My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin

I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"

He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."

(True story)

I said some terrible things about my coworkers newborn

She said he was a week old baby and I thought we were roasting him

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I asked my coworker, why the long face?

She told me to mind my own business.

That horseface bitch is rude.

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

Two guys were talking about an attractive female coworker

Bob: Why do you like her?

John: She likes guys who drive Audis

Bob: Do you have an Audi?

John: No. But she obviously likes having somebody right up her rear end

"I'm going for a light lunch," says my coworker as she heads towards the breakroom.

I look up, puzzled, and respond, "You can photosynthesize?!"

For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.

I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.

I was talking to a coworker about a project I was working on at home. I didn’t have enough space so I told her I wish I could turn 4 inches into 8

She said she wishes her husband could too

My coworker thinks the Earth is flat

I told him if that were true, cats would have already found the edge and pushed everything off.

The other day, I finally asked my pretty amputee coworker out.

She didn't answer, I guess she was stumped.

A woman was working at a nursing home

One of her patients was an old man that always had a dish of almonds he would offer the staff when they came in his room.

Her and her coworkers would nibble away as they did their duties, tidying him and his room. They got to talking about why he always had almonds, and he told them his fami...

More wisdom from my coworker...

ARMY = Ain't Ready for the Marines Yet

My Nigerian coworker told me he was leaving early to go the doctor.

I said “ Oh, which doctor?” He responds, “Yeah bro. “

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A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes lat...

I'm amazed none of my coworkers at the crematorium liked my bake sale idea

I locally sourced the flour

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Unbeknownst to his wife, Steve has secretly been drinking at the bar all day.

He looks at his phone only to realize that its 2a.m. and he should be getting home before his wife is pissed.

He tries to stand up but falls flat on his face. Deciding he needs to sober up, he gets some water and waits an hour. Again, he tries to stand up. Again, he falls flat on his face....

What do you call a bottle of Vodka which is shared by a group of Russian coworkers?

Team spirit.

Coworker: Sarcasm doesn’t get you anywhere.

Me: Well it got me to the Sarcasm World Championships in Peru in ‘98.

Coworker: Really?

Me: No.

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A guy is talking to his coworker.

Guy: "Man, I got fired."

Coworker: "Oh no! What happened?"

Guy: "Boss told me that if I didn't fuck her right there in the office, I'd get fired."

Coworker: "Oh, and you said no?"

Guy: "No, I said yes!"

Coworker: "So why did you get fired?"
...

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When the lockdown started, all I did was masturbate and watch TV all day.

After 3 weeks it got awkward and my coworkers decided to tell me how to turn my camera off on Zoom.

A group of bricklayers a fixing up a nunnery

The abbess tells the sister cook to to cook up a meal for the hard working men, but before she gives it to them she should test their knowlege of the Bible. So she cooks lunch and carries it out to the workers. She spots one of them and asks him

"Good man, do you know Pontius Pilate?"

...

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Former pornstar walks into a bar

Former porn actress walks into a bar and sees one of her old coworkers. They get to talking and the active porn actress asks her why she quit.

Well, they keep wanting me to do weirder and weirder stuff. At first it was just BDSM. But then they pushed me to do beastiality which I really regre...

Can you believe my coworker called me patronizing?

Oh, sorry, patronizing is when you talk down to someone.

Overheard a supervisor talking to a coworker

Supervisor: The more comfortable you get, the more mistakes you'll make.

Me: Man, my parents must have been really comfortable in the summer of '76.

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender for a drink.

“What’s the occasion?” Asked the bartender

The man replies “I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

Bartender apologizes, the man downs his drink and leaves.

Same man comes in the next day.

...

A man at work has a coworker who truly despises him

Yet year after year on his birthday, the coworker gives the man elegant, expensive ties.

Finally the man can't stand it anymore and asks, "Listen, I know you truly can't stand me, so why all the niceties?"

My boss is refusing to let my string quartet play for a coworker's birthday party next week.

He says he has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to workplace violins.

My coworker was measuring two cups of creamer, trying to make them even...

I told him not to worry, it was already half and half

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One of my coworkers is always bragging about how much oral sex she gets.

She really likes to rub peoples' noses in it.

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Today at work My coworker graced me with this scenario

Guy we know is walking into bathroom.
Coworker says "Good luck."
Guy says "Come and get me if I am not out in 10 minutes."
Coworker says "Write how much you weigh on the wall in case you fall in. That way we know how much shit to pull out."

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A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday

Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.

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My Muslim coworker brought a CD version of the Quran to work today.

He got really pissed off when I asked if I could burn a copy.

[True story] A coworker never heard of the burger restaurant “Five Guys”

And his daughter told him “I had five guys last night and I’m not feeling well now.”

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A pretty good joke told to me by a coworker

One day little Billy approached Mr. Johnson's house and knocked on the door. After they exchanged a few pleasantries, little Billy asked Mr. Johnson, "Sir, I noticed ya got some milkweed growing in your backyard, mind if go back there and get some milk?" Amused by the request, Mr. Johnson replied, "...

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My coworkers are mad that I had sex with the naked girl I found in my office.

Apparently I "should've just performed the autopsy."

My coworker is unable to attend next week’s innuendo seminar

I have to fill her slot instead

For the past 1 year, I announced to my coworkers i am going to go for a run after work and then i don’t.

This is the longest running joke i’ve had.

One of my coworkers recently had a water crash...

Apparently he was carpooling

TIFU by eating my coworker's lunch...

Whoops, wrong sub.

My coworker asked me if I wanted to crack open a cold one after work.

And that’s how I learned he was a necrophiliac.

A coworker yesterday had some coffee go down the wrong way and he was having a time of it.

I asked if he was ok. He said, "yeah, that's why they call it 'cough-ee'"

“Bill,” a sad-faced man says to his coworker,

“I just heard the news about your uncle falling off that cliff. I’m terribly sorry. Were the two of you close?”



“We were just close enough for me to push him,” Bill replies.

I farted at work the other day and my coworker started trying to open the window.

It must have been a really bad one – we work on a submarine.

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What did the porn star say to her coworker, The Invisible Man?

"Well... I did not see that coming."

sorry if it's a repost, but I've never seen it and I gave myself a chuckle coming up with it.

I just found out a coworker was just pretending to be my friend.

He was a placebro.

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My very conservative coworker told me about the first time he had sex...

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...and I'll never think of jesus the same way again.

So my coworkers and I were sent to "sensitivity training"

The lady running it said, "you have to use the right words to refer to people, because you don't want to offend them. Instead of 'policeman', say 'police officer'. Instead of 'fireman' say 'firefighter'. Don't say 'chairman', say 'chairperson'."

"Um, excuse me," I said, "I think they prefer t...

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What is the difference between a coworker in the stables and someone who has sex while high?

One is a fellow mucker...

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A rich business man suspected his wife of cheating

So he hired a shady private investigator to confirm his suspicions. One afternoon while at work he gets a call from the PI to meet him top of a high rise building. He immediately rushes there. Once there the PI hands him a pair of binoculars and points across the street at the neighbouring high rise...

Two coworkers in the office:

"How did it end? the fight with your wife"

"She came crawling to me."

"And what did she say?"

"You're gonna have to hit me with the shovel harder than that!"

Went to a kink shop with my coworkers

We had some great team bonding

Heard this from a coworker

Mr. Red, Mr. Green, Mr. Yellow, Mr. Orange, and Mr. Blue all live on the same street.

Each morning, Mr. Red wakes up in his red room, in his red house, pulls the red covers off of his bed, puts on his red robe, opens his red door, goes down his red stairs to his red kitchen and gets his red b...

My coworker was noodling on an idea

So I offered her a penne for her thoughts

My coworkers always make fun of me for not being confident in myself...

I guess they’re right

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My coworker fell down the stairs.

Me: "You should be a angry while in pain."

CW: "Why's that?"

Me: "That way you can be butt hurt while your butt hurts."

Did you hear about the blind cartographer who groped his coworker?

He has no sense of boundaries...

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A Joke my Dad told that Im pretty sure I heard a comedian do once

So theres these three guys on a construction crew. Every day at lunch they compare what they get. Everday the italian guy gets pizza and he says " if I get this one more timea Ima jumpa offada buildinga!!!"

The irish guy pops open his metal box, lo and behold hes got mashed potatoes loaded wi...

My Name ist short

An employee from a different Branche visits.

Coworker: "you should know that the Boss Here is called featherstonehaugh. He dislikes being mispronounced so try to remember it. My own Name is 'short'."

Employee: "my name is short too, it's 'Long'."

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My coworker just said, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you’re wearing.”

I said, “Those are called pants, not an ass shirt.”

A cop pulls someone over for doing 130 in a 50 zone

"Your drivers licence please" he asks. The man he just pulled over replies "Sorry I can't, it's in the glove box together with an unregistered firearm". "Really? You know that I have to search the vehicle now?"
"Oh please don't, I just shot my coworker and put his corpse in the boot"
The polic...

Today my coworker fell into the reupholstering machine at work

don't worry, he's fully recovered

A joke a coworker told me today: What do you get when you combine a cow, a duck, a piece of wood, and a rhino?

Cow the duck wood rhino?

I dropped the expired blood tubes as I was handing them to my coworker

Now there’s bad blood between us

A coworker just asked me to grab a fork and stab her in the neck.

I told her to go fork herself.

Had a dream a horrible coworker came back to work. I woke up worried about it possibly coming true.

Then I remembered I also dreamed my wife and I had intercourse. So that means the entire dream was improbable.

The other day a coworker caught me checking her out,

but harassment nothing to me.

I genuinely complemented on a coworkers moustache,

Now she's making a big deal with HR about it.

Get better soon card for coworker.

I wanted to get my coworker a get better soon card. They are not sick or anything I just think they could get better.

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One of my coworkers overdosed on Viagra

His wife took it pretty hard

Been getting strange looks from my coworkers today.

Guess I better put my pants back on.

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos

So she asks him what it's for.

He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The blonde immediately buys one for herself.

The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.

Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"

She replies, "Soup and ic...

TIFU by eating my coworkers sandwich instead of mine.

oops wrong sub.

I yelled at my coworker yesterday because he couldn't spare me any change.

Some people have no common cents.

Was walking past a friendly coworker the other day when he stopped me and asked..

Friend: You see that dude over there? (he points to this guy obviously screwing sound)

Me: Yeah, what about him?

Friend: He's a mythical creature.

Me: (*Chuckling*) What are you talking about?

Friend: Just look closely. (I lean in and squint to get a better look) Don't yo...

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Two coworkers - one married, one with a girlfriend - are walking into the building together talking.

The married man asks, "How often do you get to have sex?"

The guy replies, "Oh man...my girlfriend and I have sex nine or ten times a week. How about you?"

The married guy shakes his head and laughs. "Once a week, if I'm lucky. Did you get some last night?"

"Three ti...

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Three male coworkers are upset to find that the fourth member of their weekly golf outing will no longer be joining them...

...a female coworker overhears their plight and asks if she can join. The men are hesitant, but in the name of equality they decide to allow it.

"We like to take our time, so we start early," says one of the men.

"No worries," says the woman, "I'll be there at 7:30 or 8:00."

S...

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Why did the coworker get charged with sexual harassment on Valentine's Day?

Because he had a heart on.

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I asked my coworker where he was from....

He said: "Germany"

I said: "Oh, so you were born abroad"

He said: "How the fuck did you find out about that?"

While planning a potluck at work, one of my coworkers asked if we had any vegans on the team.

I told her probably not. They would have let us know several times by now.

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Todd comes into work one morning just grinning, and struts straight over to his coworker Jim.

"Damn, man! You know that new secretary, Tiffany? I banged her last night, and I gotta tell you! She was so hot in bed, she was even better than my wife!"

Jim high-fives him and they head off to work.

A few days later, Jim comes strutting in, grinning, and walks straight over to Todd.<...

An engineer tells his coworkers about his walk to work

"So I'm walking to work this morning through the park, like I always do, but today was a bit different... A beautiful woman on a bicycle rode up next to me and got off the bike. She stripped naked and put her clothes in a pile next to the bike, then looked right at me and said 'You can have anythi...

Me to my coworker

Me:The Eagles won last night

Co Worker: Oh you watched the game

Me: Covered in blood and scratches what game?

My coworker discovered what “beefing” means.

It’s called beef because whoever don’t want it is a chicken.

My coworkers at the powerplant have been so confident lately

Must be that Big Duke Energy

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My coworker just said, “I didn’t have sex with my wife until we were married. How about you?”

Me: Not sure. What’s her name?

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Me and my coworker was having sex, until we got caught...

It really ruined the family buisness

To the coworker that stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

I will find you. I will get it back.

You have my Word.

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