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Coworker Jokes

I asked my coworker what happens when we die?

"They hire someone else," my coworker replied.

My coworker keeps complaining about his lunch being stolen from the break room fridge.

Monday morning he brought in a turkey and provolone on wheat bread. Put it in the fridge. By lunch time it was gone.

Tuesday he brought in ham and cheddar on white bread. Put it in the fridge, again gone by lunch.

Today he brought a chicken ceaser wrap. Gone by noon.

I hope he...

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I think my coworkers are gay

Every time I walk by, they mumble "what an ass"

My coworker just found out she won’t be able to attend next week’s Innuendo Conference…

I guess I’ll have to fill her slot instead.

AITA? I bought my coworker chicken avocado instead of tuna avocado from Subway, and now they’re mad.

Whoops, wrong sub.

A mathematician asks his coworker to solve a complex equation for him.

After some struggle, the coworker finds that he can't figure out the answer in just one day, so the next day he tells the mathematician that he'll need two more days to find a proper solution.

Two more days pass and he still can't solve the equation, so he goes back and asks him for just thre...

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My coworker came up to me yesterday and said he had a question for me

He asked, “Imagine you walk into a room with 50 naked dudes. How many of their penises would you choke on?”

“What the hell?” I reply “None of them!”

“Oh so you’re a professional?”

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A coworker of mine comes up to me

He says, “What’s up man? I have a question for you”

“Ok” I reply

“Imagine you go camping with some other guys. One night you all are doing a lot of drinking. You wake up in the morning with your pants down to your ankles and Vaseline in your butthole. Would you tell any body about tha...

Boebert asked her coworker, "Do you have any kids?" "Yes," she replied. "I have one child that's just under two."

Then Boebert said, "I might be stupid, but I know how many one is."

I’ve started saying “mucho” to all of my Mexican coworkers.

It means a lot to them.

My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-person meetings, but never in online meetings.

When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren't remotely funny.

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

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My Muslim coworker brought a CD version of the Quran to work today.

He got really pissed off when I asked if I could burn a copy.

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A coworker told me a joke about Oedipus and King Midas today.

It was motherfucking gold.

My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin

I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"

He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."

(True story)

A group of coworkers are sitting around

discussing how much work and fun is involved in completing a project.

First, the junior colleague says, "Completing a project is about 80% fun and 20% work."

Then the team lead replies, "No, there's more work involved than that. I would say that it's 60% fun and 40% work."

The m...

A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.

“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”

“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”

My coworker is in the hospital after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.

It was mine.

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Two coworkers, Fred & Jim, come in to work on Monday.

Fred immediately says to Jim "you won't believe my weekend. I went to the club Saturday and met up with this woman. We wound up getting a hotel room and went at it all night, she was absolutely incredible. I have to say she was even better than my wife. You've got to meet this woman."

The nex...

An engineer tells his coworkers about his walk to work

"So I'm walking to work this morning through the park, like I always do, but today was a bit different... A beautiful woman on a bicycle rode up next to me and got off the bike. She stripped naked and put her clothes in a pile next to the bike, then looked right at me and said 'You can have anythi...

"Zoom meetings" is a stupid name, and it's branded. We should call it a bit more casual like "coworker video chat"...

Or something shorter, like "co-vid".

Today my coworker fell into the reupholstering machine at work

don't worry, he's fully recovered

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I caught my coworker watching porn during our meeting

He said this is his home security camera

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A coworker comes into my office complaining about life…

He says more money will free him up to do more things.

I told my coworker, it’s all relative. My friend has reached a point in his life where he gets to…

work out 7 days a week.
Read more books than he’s ever thought of.
Only does volunteer work.
Has 3 meals prepped for him d...

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My coworker is a goat herder

I had a meeting the other day at work and we were waiting for a few others to show up. I told him a few things I had been doing and he told me that him and his family are goat herders on the side from their actual jobs. Have been for generations.

The goats provide milk and meat, they can sel...

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One of my coworkers is always bragging about how much oral sex she gets.

She really likes to rub peoples' noses in it.

TIFU by eating my coworkers sandwich instead of mine.

oops wrong sub.

My coworker, Kelvin, recently retired from the weather station and was replaced by a new guy named Celsius

He's the new temp.

My coworkers worship me.

Every time I show up, I hear them say "Jesus Christ!"

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Worst "joke" I've ever heard.

This is a "joke" told by one of my coworkers Jake. There was me him and 2 other coworkers sitting in the work truck.

Jake: You know how geese always fly in a V?

Me: Yeah

J: Well you know how sometimes the goose in the lead will switch and another goose will fly in the front?
...

My new coworker is missing some toes. I dont like him.

I am Lacktoes Intolerant.

My coworkers at my place of work have given me a nickname “Mr. Compromise”.

It wasn’t my first choice, but I guess I’m ok with it.

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A coworker just confessed to me that he’s asexual.

That makes two people who don’t give a fuck.

My coworker is asking for donations for his charity marathon

But I’m afraid he’s just going to take the money and run

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her…

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

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My coworker once wiggled his penis in front of me.

He wasn't fired, but it was a bit of a dick move.

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My very conservative coworker told me about the first time he had sex...

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...and I'll never think of jesus the same way again.

Debra is the office gossip, always ready to find dirt on her coworkers and spread it around the office.

One day, on her lunch break, Debra sees one of her coworkers’ son sharing a meal with a woman who is clearly not his wife. Knowing that this could be the drama of the century, Debra gets in her car and follows them to a house, then takes pictures of them kissing from between the blinds. Her break is...

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...

Drugs are a lot like my coworkers

My wife does most of them

Got this one from a coworker the other day.

There was once this great pirate captain who refused to lose any battles no matter the cost. He would give up anything to secure victory in battle.

One day while sailing the open ocean he and his crew encounter an two enemy ships so he yells to his first mate “get me my red shirt!” So the fi...

A man complained to his coworker that he didn't know what to get his wife for her birthday...

"She already has everything you could think of, and she can buy herself whatever she likes," he said.

"Here's an idea," said his friend. "Make up your own gift certificate that says, '30 minutes of great loving, any way you want it.' I guarantee she'll be enchanted."

The next day, th...

A man talks about his terrible roommate with his coworker

"Yeah, so he hates all the things I like. He's even said they're stupid and boring right to my face. He constantly ignores me and doesn't do his share of the chores. He's even somehow managed to damage my car! I try to make it work, but some days..."

His coworker was appalled.

"Why wou...

One of my coworkers got fired for putting dangerous substances in the products.

I don’t think it was completely his fault though. He did asbestos he could.

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My coworker was talking about how it would be funny if flowers had penises.

What a load of poppycock.

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A pretty good joke told to me by a coworker

One day little Billy approached Mr. Johnson's house and knocked on the door. After they exchanged a few pleasantries, little Billy asked Mr. Johnson, "Sir, I noticed ya got some milkweed growing in your backyard, mind if go back there and get some milk?" Amused by the request, Mr. Johnson replied, "...

There was a cartographer that groped his coworker

No sense of boundaries

I was talking to a coworker about how I remember using a rotary telephone. She said "Wow. You're dating yourself."

I looked down at my hand and replied "No. We're just friends with benefits.".

My coworker said her throat was itchy

So natural response is , it’s probably those kids in there playing tag

And now I have a meeting with HR

Coworker: Long day, huh?

Me: *looks at calendar* The longest.

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My British coworker

My British coworker is new to America, and he delights in telling me and my other coworkers about all things British. Today he was trying to explain Cockney rhyming slang - things like saying "have a butcher's" instead of "have a look", because "butcher's hook" rhymes with "look"; or "a cup of Ro...

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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

A coworker told me to live every day like it’s a brand new year

I said I already do that
I wake up hung over.
I contemplate all the decisions I made the “year”before.
And I try to make resolutions and I always break them.

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My coworker treat me like a god

when some shit happen, they crucify me

Coworker: Sarcasm doesn’t get you anywhere.

Me: Well it got me to the Sarcasm World Championships in Peru in ‘98.

Coworker: Really?

Me: No.

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

Half my coworkers are imposters

They pretend to do the tasks and sabotage everything.

Coworker: Why do bad guys always wear suspenders?

Me: So they don't get caught with their pants down.

(This happened a couple days ago, I was pretty proud. He legitimately was just asking the question)

More wisdom from my coworker...

ARMY = Ain't Ready for the Marines Yet

My name is Eaton, and my coworker and I were talking about name tags,

I keep an abundance of mine attached via magnet to my desk so I never forget to have one.

She lost the backing to her name tag somewhere around her desk.

I let her know that I have a bunch extra so if she needed one just take one.

She asks, "So, I can be Eaton today then?"
...

Heard this from a coworker

Mr. Red, Mr. Green, Mr. Yellow, Mr. Orange, and Mr. Blue all live on the same street.

Each morning, Mr. Red wakes up in his red room, in his red house, pulls the red covers off of his bed, puts on his red robe, opens his red door, goes down his red stairs to his red kitchen and gets his red b...

Me and a coworker were talking behind our boss' back.

When she found out she came up to us and said : "You disgust me".

And I said : "Yes, yes we did".

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I had to cover my coworker's shift at work today. she said she couldn't come in because she was too constipated.

But I think she's full of crap.

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I need a good Knock Knock joke.

A profile on a dating profile had the prompt "I'm funnier than you," so my opener was "Knock Knock." And now I'm fucked cause I don't actually know any decent ones other than the Randy Feltface one, which doesn't work with text.

Edit: Picked one. Let's see how it goes. I did not pick any of t...

A coworker walked into my office and remarked on the smell

I said it must have been the Russian that was just in there.

Confused, he said i didn't know we had any Russians working here.

I said oh no, the Russian was me. I was Pootin.

Dad jokes from my coworker that he won’t stop saying all day long...

I really hate when non dads say dad jokes. It’s such a faux-pa

We had a storm the other night and 25% of my roof flew away. Oof.

You know lance just isn’t as common of a name as it used to be. You know when it was? The Middle Ages. Guys were named lance a lot.

A coworker competing with me for a promotion sent me this message: "armed conflict between different nations or states or different groups within a nation or state."

This means war.

A coworker came over to my cubicle and asked if we have a ruler in the office.

Me: No, but we have a boss.

Someone told me today is "slap your irritating coworker day" but I don't think that's right

"Get slapped by your co-workers day" would be more accurate.

Bob and a few of his coworkers go out to lunch to celebrate Bob's birthday.

Bob, Tim, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says, "Good afternoon fellas! Welcome to Ruby Taste Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you're here to celebrate a special occasion?"

Susan pipes up, "It's Bob's birth...

My possessed coworker keeps yelling 2 + 2 = 5

He’s a little confused but he’s got the spirit

A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos

So she asks him what it's for.

He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The blonde immediately buys one for herself.

The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.

Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"

She replies, "Soup and ic...

A coworker of mine recently took a break to go buy a pack of smokes from the corner store. He didn’t return so I guess that was his way of quitting.

Just like my dad

I told my coworker he should introduce himself like James Bond

The name's Moore, Steve Moore. At least that's what the ladies say.

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Me and another coworker were competing to see who was the best at our drug testing job. I was winning until i misplaced a felon's probation samples.

So I guess I lost that pissing contest

The other day, I finally asked my pretty amputee coworker out.

She didn't answer, I guess she was stumped.

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Todd comes into work one morning just grinning, and struts straight over to his coworker Jim.

"Damn, man! You know that new secretary, Tiffany? I banged her last night, and I gotta tell you! She was so hot in bed, she was even better than my wife!"

Jim high-fives him and they head off to work.

A few days later, Jim comes strutting in, grinning, and walks straight over to Todd.<...

An 80 year old man goes in for a physical

And the doctor tells him, "You're in terrific health, you're healthier than most 40 year olds, what do you contribute your exceptional health to?"

And the man replies"Turkey hunting, every morning I walk in the mountains and go turkey hunting."

"Well maybe genetics has something to do ...

[True story] A coworker never heard of the burger restaurant “Five Guys”

And his daughter told him “I had five guys last night and I’m not feeling well now.”

A joke a coworker told me today: What do you get when you combine a cow, a duck, a piece of wood, and a rhino?

Cow the duck wood rhino?

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A guy is talking to his coworker.

Guy: "Man, I got fired."

Coworker: "Oh no! What happened?"

Guy: "Boss told me that if I didn't fuck her right there in the office, I'd get fired."

Coworker: "Oh, and you said no?"

Guy: "No, I said yes!"

Coworker: "So why did you get fired?"
...

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I asked my coworker, why the long face?

She told me to mind my own business.

That horseface bitch is rude.

I was considering telling a vaccine joke to a right wing coworker of mine

but didn't because he probably wouldn't get it anyways.

Two guys were talking about an attractive female coworker

Bob: Why do you like her?

John: She likes guys who drive Audis

Bob: Do you have an Audi?

John: No. But she obviously likes having somebody right up her rear end

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If I had a dollar for every time this female coworker said something sexist in the office.

I wouldn't feel surprised for receiving the credit and compensation for her ideas.

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What did the porn star say to her coworker, The Invisible Man?

"Well... I did not see that coming."

sorry if it's a repost, but I've never seen it and I gave myself a chuckle coming up with it.

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A guy goes out for some drinks at a bar with a coworker on a Friday night and they get shitfaced...

The guy goes to the bathroom and stumbles back to the bar with puke on his shirt...

"Oh man, my wife ish gonna kill me." he says, "I just puked on my shirt and she's gonna know I was out drinking all night!"

"Don't worry about it," slurs his coworker. "take $20 and put it in your shirt...

I just found out a coworker was just pretending to be my friend.

He was a placebro.

I was talking to a coworker about a project I was working on at home. I didn’t have enough space so I told her I wish I could turn 4 inches into 8

She said she wishes her husband could too

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My coworker just said, “That’s a nice-ass shirt you’re wearing.”

I said, “Those are called pants, not an ass shirt.”

My coworker was measuring two cups of creamer, trying to make them even...

I told him not to worry, it was already half and half

“Bill,” a sad-faced man says to his coworker,

“I just heard the news about your uncle falling off that cliff. I’m terribly sorry. Were the two of you close?”



“We were just close enough for me to push him,” Bill replies.

My coworker was noodling on an idea

So I offered her a penne for her thoughts

I dropped the expired blood tubes as I was handing them to my coworker

Now there’s bad blood between us

"I'm going for a light lunch," says my coworker as she heads towards the breakroom.

I look up, puzzled, and respond, "You can photosynthesize?!"

A man at work has a coworker who truly despises him

Yet year after year on his birthday, the coworker gives the man elegant, expensive ties.

Finally the man can't stand it anymore and asks, "Listen, I know you truly can't stand me, so why all the niceties?"

A coworker yesterday had some coffee go down the wrong way and he was having a time of it.

I asked if he was ok. He said, "yeah, that's why they call it 'cough-ee'"

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Today at work My coworker graced me with this scenario

Guy we know is walking into bathroom.
Coworker says "Good luck."
Guy says "Come and get me if I am not out in 10 minutes."
Coworker says "Write how much you weigh on the wall in case you fall in. That way we know how much shit to pull out."

Overheard a supervisor talking to a coworker

Supervisor: The more comfortable you get, the more mistakes you'll make.

Me: Man, my parents must have been really comfortable in the summer of '76.

I farted at work the other day and my coworker started trying to open the window.

It must have been a really bad one – we work on a submarine.

The other day a coworker caught me checking her out,

but harassment nothing to me.

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Me and my coworker was having sex, until we got caught...

It really ruined the family buisness

Get better soon card for coworker.

I wanted to get my coworker a get better soon card. They are not sick or anything I just think they could get better.

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I have a vietnamese coworker who's a pain in the ass...

I guess you could say he's pretty Hanoi-ing

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My coworker just said, “I didn’t have sex with my wife until we were married. How about you?”

Me: Not sure. What’s her name?

To the coworker that stole my copy of Microsoft Office...

I will find you. I will get it back.

You have my Word.

With elections coming soon, my coworker asked me who my favorite president was.

I said JFK, because he's so open-minded.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the coworker get charged with sexual harassment on Valentine's Day?

Because he had a heart on.

Had a dream a horrible coworker came back to work. I woke up worried about it possibly coming true.

Then I remembered I also dreamed my wife and I had intercourse. So that means the entire dream was improbable.

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I asked my coworker where he was from....

He said: "Germany"

I said: "Oh, so you were born abroad"

He said: "How the fuck did you find out about that?"

Was walking past a friendly coworker the other day when he stopped me and asked..

Friend: You see that dude over there? (he points to this guy obviously screwing sound)

Me: Yeah, what about him?

Friend: He's a mythical creature.

Me: (*Chuckling*) What are you talking about?

Friend: Just look closely. (I lean in and squint to get a better look) Don't yo...

Me to my coworker

Me:The Eagles won last night

Co Worker: Oh you watched the game

Me: Covered in blood and scratches what game?

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