Flatmate Jokes

Me: "yes, he was brilliant in The Italian Job"

She doesnt clean the flat, she doesn't cook and she basically just uses me for free rides.

I'm want to move so badly but my boyfriend says "we can't abandon our daughter."

"where you going then?" he asked as they shook hands.

"North, I'm going to Scotland!"

"Buy why? It's cold and barren up there."

"Yes, but I read in the news that everyone's gettin' free pads up there!"

I told him that if he didn't stop, there'd be repercussions.

I had this douchebag whale as a flatmate once. He was really messy and never paid rent. Eventually the time came where I thought enough was enough and told him to leave, but, stubborn as he was, that didn't really work at all. So I hatched a plan. Late at night, when he was asleep, I secretly attach... read more

I hide cameras and they seek legal retribution

..but I say it was worth every penne.

He's so high on my tea.

I think he might have a car owner virus.

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?


One. Because they are very efficient...

And they don't understand jokes.

...throw in your dirty laundry.

To see his flatmate

She was my flatmate, her name was Miao Miao.

Now they're my flatmates.

Now I have a flatmate.

Last night my flatmate only popped out for milk wearing no make up and instead came back with 4 packets of Haribo, 4 fun size Snickers and a 'Best Costume' trophy.