My Chinese flatmate asked "have you seen my cocaine?"

Me: "yes, he was brilliant in The Italian Job"

I'm cannot stand to live with my flatmate anymore

She doesnt clean the flat, she doesn't cook and she basically just uses me for free rides.

I'm want to move so badly but my boyfriend says "we can't abandon our daughter."

My flatmate drank my cannabis tea earlier, and he is now walking around the flat as if he owns the place.

He's so high on my tea.

A Londoner told his flatmate he's moving out...

"where you going then?" he asked as they shook hands.

"North, I'm going to Scotland!"

"Buy why? It's cold and barren up there."

"Yes, but I read in the news that everyone's gettin' free pads up there!"

My flatmate is a drummer and his practicing has been getting on my nerves

I told him that if he didn't stop, there'd be repercussions.

I like to play hide and seek with my flatmates

I hide cameras and they seek legal retribution

I'm worried about my flatmate. In the last week he has recently just purchased himself a new Ford, Tesla, BMW, Toyota

I think he might have a car owner virus.

I had a douchbag whale as a flatmate once...

I had this douchebag whale as a flatmate once. He was really messy and never paid rent. Eventually the time came where I thought enough was enough and told him to leave, but, stubborn as he was, that didn't really work at all. So I hatched a plan. Late at night, when he was asleep, I secretly attach...

My flatmates said I wasted my money buying a kilo of pasta..

..but I say it was worth every penne.

Yesterday I moved to Germany and my new German flatmate told me that he only knows one joke...

How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. Because they are very efficient...

And they don't understand jokes.

If you're in college, what do you do when your flatmate has an epileptic seizure in the bathtub?

...throw in your dirty laundry.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you call two boobless chicks living together?


This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the raccoon cross the freeway?

To visit his flatmate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Golden Toilet

Jim and Jenny just came back from an amazing party and had a really great time. The hosts were relatively wealthy people and had spent quite an amount for the celebration.

Jim has not even taken off his shoes when Jenny excitedly says, 'Jim, did you notice that the toilet was made of gold? G...

Why did the hedgehog cross the road?

To see his flatmate

I used to catcall a Chinese girl every day.

She was my flatmate, her name was Miao Miao.

I ran two of my friends over with my delivery truck.

Now they're my flatmates.

I had a roommate, but he was ran over by a bus...

Now I have a flatmate.

I was watching Pulp Fiction again and...

...my flatmate pops in and says, " Why are you watching this again?, you have seen it a thousand times already."

"Just for the gags"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cat that urinates in your shoes?

Piss in boots

Credit: My flatmate

How strange...

Last night my flatmate only popped out for milk wearing no make up and instead came back with 4 packets of Haribo, 4 fun size Snickers and a 'Best Costume' trophy.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.