My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

An anesthesiologist asks his colleague, "Man I borrow some chloroform?"

"Knock yourself out."

I wanted something from my colleague so I asked him - “How busy are you today?”

He replied “As busy as a cucumber in a women’s prison”!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

American tells to his Russian colleague:

"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him"

The Russian:

"When Putin passes by, we all piss on him"

The American:

"I exaggerated a little - we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit".

The Russian:

"And I ...

This one’s true. A work colleague of mine told me she went to Bangkok on her honeymoon. I replied,

I know you did, but where did you go?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My colleagues thought it would be good to each wear a shirt representing our star sign for our ‘make a wish foundation’ fundraiser

Now I’m here wearing the word CANCER across my chest and feel a right knob

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar,

so I have to fill her slot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Many fellow physicians were scheduling their own colonoscopy before a respected colleague ended his many years of practice. Just before going under sedation for my procedure I told him…

“I’m just part of the parade of assholes here in your last few months to wish you a happy retirement.”

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
...

The other day during lunch break I saw one of my colleagues playing some kind of war game on his smartphone. As I poured my coffee I asked him about the game he was playing and we started small talking. Few minutes into our small talk he stated that so far he'd spend $700 in in game purchases.

I bursted into a loud laughter while shouting how that was the stupidest thing and biggest waste of money I've ever heard of!

Man, I was still laughing out loud in disbelief walking off and even still chuckling as I entered the smoking room

Restaurant

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw ...

We had a job opening with 60 applicants. I threw the top half of the pile of resumes away without looking at them. My colleague asked why I did that.

I replied, "I do not want unlucky people working for me."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Japanese colleague got really angry today after losing his battered prawns.

He really lost his tempura.

Two catholic priests are discussing their colleague's retirement.

"It's strange", says one priest.

"How so?, asked the other.

The first priest replies, "Well ever since Arthur left his church, the choirboys haven't been able to sing as high."

I finally confronted the colleague drinking whole pot of common office coffee

How do you even sleep at night?

My colleagues wanted to do a team building activity, and someone suggested a ropes course.

A few folks were hesitant, but I'm happy to say everyone came. I've never experience such fantastic bondage.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A barista was admiring his colleague's ass at Starbucks...

Barista: "Damn Karen your ass is large."

Colleague: "Stop it Brian, we're at work."

Barista: "Oh sorry, I mean that ass is Venti."

A woman in work was fired for having intimate relations with a colleague.

We don't know who fingered her

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. Aft...

A colleague of mine fell into a vat of chemicals.

Ironically, his quick reaction killed him.

The president of Valve walks into a bar with 2 colleagues.

The waitress approaches their table and the president orders drinks for them.

"We'll need 2 beers and 1 beer please."

The waitress looks confused. "So you need 3 beers?"

The president is also confused. "What the hell is 3?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A colleague asked me what my plans were for tonight.

I said, "Home alone for a wank."

Laughing, he asked, "Aren't you married?"

"I am," I replied. "But Macauley Culkin really does it for me."

Did you hear about the white biologist stealing a petri dish from his black colleague?

It was a case of cultural appropriation.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I think my colleagues are gays!

Every time I walk pass them, I can hear them mumble

"What an ass"

Two lawyers were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries.

"I don't get it," said one. "She's an airhead - nothing going on upstairs."

"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My colleague at work said I'm a gullible twat.

Who am I to argue with the current WWE champion?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today my jerk colleague at work asked me to cover his ass so that he can attend a pool party with his friends

I refused with anger, and told him to use a swimming suit like all people do.

My work colleague asked me

“Why do you keep a picture of your wife on your desk if you hate her so much?”


I replied, “In case I’m tempted to take a day off.”

A joke a Polish colleague just told me.

When a Polish man is tasked with killing a German and a Russian, he is asked who he will kill first.

The answer is first the German, after the Russian.

When asking for an explanation, he says 'Duty comes first, pleasure comes after'.

Last night my black colleague.......

Last night my black colleague walked away with the 'Employee of the year' award.

Luckily security stopped him at the door.

Colleague said "I used to be the most fashionable chick in my batch in college!"

To which "What changed after college?" Is not the apt reply.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As I walked into work this morning my colleague said, "Dave, you look like shit."

"Last night was crazy." I replied.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunk," I replied. "And we ended up going back to Trevor's girlfriend's flat and having a threesome."

"Don't you mean a foursome?" he asked.

"No, she was out."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A colleague told me a nutty joke

Her: What do you have if you have two nuts on the wall?

Me: Walnuts?

Her: Yes! What do you have if you have two nuts in wrapped in a dollar bill?

Me: Cashews..?

Her: Yes! What do you have if you have two nuts on your chin?

Me: I dont know..

Her: Probably a d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My colleagues call me the pussy slayer...

I'm in charge of euthanising cats at the kennel.

So a work colleague told me that Prince died and they found his body in a lift.

Well, he was obviously coming down with something.

An older minister sat in the congregation of a younger colleagues church as he noticed fellow church goers falling asleep during the sermon.

The younger minister notices this as well. And so he says to his congregation, "For many years of my life I have been in the arms of another woman other than my wife."
The congregation stirred and gasped as they paid more attention to get the full shocking story.
"It was my mother!" He finishe...

Why was the physicist being so careful not to insult his colleague's choice of generalized coordinates and momentum?

He was just minding his Ps and Qs.

I woke up today and I thought, today I would tell my colleagues a joke

about schrodinger's dead cat.

Then I thought maybe, I will tell a joke about schrodinger's alive cat.

So I decided not to go to office today.

What does a Mexican carpet fitter say to motivate his colleagues?

Underlay! Underlay!

My colleague was fired for stealing printer cartridges

He was caught magenta handed.

I called a colleague inviting him to an orgy.

He asked how many people will be there. I said " if you and your wife come, there will be three of us."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time there lived a ravishing Queen with huge tits..

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about...

What did the scientist say after attacking his colleague with sodium chloride?

That's a salt!

I have a lift off a colleague to work everyday, and always feel ill when we go under bridges....

I think I must have carpool tunnel syndrome.

A single father needed breast milk for his infant baby and so he asked others how he could get it.

A colleague of his who was lactating offered to give her milk to the baby.

She became his breast friend.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two colleagues agree to meet in their favorite bar

The first colleague arrives a bit before the agreed time and figures he'd just buy himself a beer while waiting for his colleague. Fifteen minutes later his beer is empty and his colleague is not yet there. He figures his colleague just needed to take of something at home, and orders another beer wh...

3 inches

Weather girl: "and because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we expect about 3 inches of snow, or, as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches.”

A guy is pulled over by a cop for speeding

The cop approaches the car and the driver rolls down the window.

"Driver's licence and insurance?"

"I don't have a driver's licence and the car was stolen."

Cop slowly backs up a bit and puts his hand on a gun.

"Is there anything else I should know? Any weapons in the ca...

Why he left his last job

So I was talking to my new colleague about why he left his last job. He said "Well here's the story. Last week was my birthday. But neither my children nor my wife wished me. I went to work, and my friends and colleagues also ignored me. I was feeling pretty down in the dumps. But then my beautiful ...

Golden Toilet

Two colleagues, Elon and Felix, meet after work and Felix is all excited: "Man, I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude's house who had toilet made of gold!"
"You're kidding!".
"Nope" said Felix as he took Elon to the house.
They rang the doorbell and a middle-ag...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Since I was a young boy,

my father has imposed his religion onto me. I was home schooled because we live in the west and my father wanted me in an environment that was free from anything Haram. I couldn't associate with Hindus or Christians, anyone who ate unclean animals, or any girl.

As a teenage guy going through...

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a building engineer are having a night out...

After a couple of drinks, they are having a chat about god,

​

The mechanical engineer starts:

"Have you noticed how brilliantly humans mechanics are designed. The joints and the drivetrain are so perfectly executed, that I think God must be a mechanical engineer."...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An UK businessman is in Japan for an important deal

Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't understand Japanese, the man is glad to know that he managed to please her so much.


The next d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three musketeers where getting into an argument about who was the best with a sword.

As a fly flew into the room, the first musketeer said, “You see that fly? Watch this!” He the drew his saber and with a whoosh, he cut the fly in half. Impressed with what he had just done, he looked at the other two musketeers and said, “now beat that, haha.”

Well, the second musketeer sai...

Black eyes

A guy arrives at work with two black eyes. His colleagues quite naturally asked what happened. He explained, I was in an elevator with a gal in front of me that had her skirt rucked up in her crack. So I pulled it out and patted her skirt smooth for her. She then turned around and socked me in my ri...

Mum, why am I named Penny?

Mum: "Well, as you know, your dad has a habit of tossing and playing with a coin when he's nervous, and when you were born and your dad went to embrace you, the penny fell on your head. We named you accordingly."

Penny: "Wow, that's how I got my name!"

Daisy: :Mum, was that the same wa...

Over a round of golf, two surgeons were talking shop.

"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.

"What for?" asked his colleague.

"About $6,000."

"What did he have?"

"About $6,000."

"What did you remove?"

"About $6,000."

Soviet Russia

A judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!" "Well, go ahead, tell me!" says the other judge. "I can't – I just gave someone ten years for it!

Forgot Password?

Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company.


Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up thei...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The difference between ‘Guts’ and ‘Balls’

There is a medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls", according to the British military.

We've heard colleagues referring to people with "Guts", or with "Balls". Do they, however,

know the difference between them?



Here's the official distinction, straight from th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf and Dumb Society.

All are intent on making an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first, and to the surprise of his colleagues, starts by rubbing first his chest, and then his groin. When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

“Well,” he explained, “by rubbing my chest ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.

Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The d...

A priest, doctor, and engineer were golfing.

They were stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a wo...

One night, two law students are busy studying for an important exam to be held three days later.

However, they are burn out.


One of the boys thinks that studying any further is futile, and that they should drive tomorrow out state; meet his cousin; party like there's no tomorrow; drive back for one more day; and be in time for the exam the day after.


His colleague agree an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

HoverDildo™

A lady engineer working late one night at a robotics company suddenly got a million-dollar idea! She then gathered up some spare parts and got to work on her side-project.

The next day, she showed one of her colleagues what she had been working on - A high-tech sex toy she called the HoverDil...

Metal medal

There was once an extremely handsome, gorgeous doctor Jones. Apart from his good looks he was extremely skilled. One day, he was the only doctor in the hospital, and yet he still managed to tend to and medicate every single patient who needed his help! The community decided to recognize his achievem...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An archaeologist in Egypt was taking a walk in the town square one morning.

An archaeologist in Egypt was taking a walk in the town square one morning. He had to get back to the hotel for a meeting but had forgotten his wristwatch. He was walking by an old man sitting on a low stool by his camel and asked if he knew the time.

The old man slowly reached over and push...

Why was the snowman happy?

Because the snowblower was coming.


(Just heard it from my colleague)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Physics Student

Some time ago, I received a call from a colleague who asked if I would be the referee on the grading of an
examination question. He was about to give a student a zero for her answer to a physics question, while the student
claimed she should be given a perfect score and would, if the system we...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lost in translation

Two businessmen travel to Japan for a meeting with some japanese partners. They arrive a few days earlier to adjust to jet lag and all. They spend the day touristing, they go to some good restaurant in the evening and they decide to visit a japanese brothel. So they enjoy themselves watching some po...

A Blonde and a Brunette are sitting next to each other on a plane. The Brunette, a lawyer is getting antsy on the flight and asks the blonde

“ do you wanna play a game? I’ll ask you a question and if you don’t know the answer you’ll give me five dollars, and then you ask me a question and if I don’t know the answer I’ll give you five dollars.”

The blonde says no, and goes to sleep. A half hour goes by and the brunette wakes up th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] An American business man travels to Japan for work

On his first night there, he decides to get a prostitute. They're going at it pretty good when she starts exclaiming "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ana!"

He doesn't understand the language but assuming it must mean "great job!"

Fast forward to the next day, when he's golfing with his Japa...

A Soviet judge walks out of the courtroom.

He can barely contain his laughter. Curious, one of his colleagues asks him, "What's so funny?"

"I just heard this joke in my trial."

"Really? I want to hear it."

"No way, I just gave someone 20 years for it."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friends say I’m funny so I figured I’d write a joke.

So I went to a proctologist (read: butt doctor) because I’d been having some long term constipation and I figured I’d better get a prostate check to punch two holes in my club card, it was a real problem as funny as it sounds. Anyway I get there and I’m waiting in this cold room when a dude in a doc...

An angel appears at a faculty meeting

and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lig...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.

Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Ga...

An astronomer has realized an ancient society has been writing jokes all over Mars, Venus, and other celestial bodies...

The astronomer, getting a huge laugh out of them, decided to record them down. The astronomer kept looking into space, and he kept finding gems that he couldn't stop laughing at. One day, having recorded over 100 jokes, he decided to publish all of them in a book, because the jokes were so funny and...

Two Calculus Professors Are Grabbing Dinner Together

Two calculus professors are grabbing dinner together.

The first one says to the other: “Why do we teach our students calculus? They just cram it for the tests then forget it.”

The second professor says: “They don’t forget it after the final I’ll prove it to you. The next time the wai...

Three anthropologists get captured by a tribe of cannibals...

The chieftain proclaims to them: "You shall head out into the jungle, and each bring me a dozen pieces of any one fruit, or else we will eat you!"

The three head out. After an hour, the first one returns, carrying 12 Bananas. The chief looks at them with pleasure and says: "And now I want you...

Nuns

In a terrible car accident, 3 nuns die at the same time. They all appear in front of the gates of Heaven to meet Saint Peter. When they arrive, Peter informs them that those who lived a life of the cloth must answer some basic questions about theology before they are permitted to enter Heaven. Each ...

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, "We've been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was not rich in life, I would like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace."

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, a...

Men will be men

Confession of IT Support Engineer:

One day I was facing some issue with Outlook and I raised a ticket to get it resolved. I got a call from the Service Desk lady after some time and it went this way:

Lady: Hi I'm calling from service desk, what is the problem?

Me: (I explained t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American man goes on a business trip to Japan

His meeting is the next day and he decides to find a Japanese hooker as he's heard great things from his colleagues .

He has sex with a hooker and the whole night she screams :

"HOSHI MOTA!, HOSHI MOTA!"

But the man had no idea what that meant.

He goes to a morning golf g...

A woman and her husband are eating at a Chinese restaurant.

The woman loves how artistic the Chinese language looks written, so she takes home a menu and chooses her favorite symbols and knits a sweater with said symbols on the front.

A few months later her and her husband are invited to his company's party. She decides this is the perfect time to wea...

Hell explained

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by this student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure...

I'm sat at my desk repeating "I'm gonna stick my pen in your eye, I'm gonna stick my pen in your eye." I'm saying it quietly, though.

I don't want my colleagues to find out I have a pen chant for violence.

A man goes to the doctor's office and receives a bill of $15,000.

Man: C'mon doc. You could've gave me a discount since were colleagues.

Doctor: Wait, you're a doctor too?

Man: No. I'm a thief just like you.

[Long] A new postman has been doing his route for about 6 months....

After a while ee notices at one house they keep receiving letters that look identical. Two or three times a week this happens. After a month or so he notices the envelopes start to look a bit shabby and he starts to suspect that it is the same letter being posted over and over again.

The pos...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Talking Dog for Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train...

a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train into switzerland.

looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology happens to see a black sheep.

"how interesting". he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in s...

Mr Singh walks into a London bank and asks for the loan officer

He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million pounds.

“The car is parked on the street in fro...

A blond and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a plane from New York to Los Angeles.

The flight is long. The lawyer ask the blond if she would like to play a game; he asks her a question and if she doesn't know she pays him a dollar and vice versa. Tired, she declines his offer politely , turn the other way and sleep. Persistent, the lawyer ask her again but she still refuses. Tryin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man returns from work on a Friday evening and suddenly comes across the bottle

He opens the bottle and, all of a sudden, genie comes out of there.

The Genie says: "Thank you, mortal, you have released me from my miserable sentence. And, in order to show you my eternal gratitude, I will grant you one of your fondest wishes."

The man says: "Oh, I want nothing more,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Hitman

A man got word that his wife was cheating on him with one of her work colleagues.
After a little investigating, he found this to be true. They met up every Thursday afternoon in a hotel.

The man was heartbroken.
So much so, that he decided both her and her new man had to go, they had ...