I’ve just been out to the shop to buy 25 sandwiches for all my colleagues in the office

I kept them all in separate bags though - didn’t want to put all my Greggs in the same basket

Monday morning in the office, a man notices that his colleague is very sad.

At breakfast, he approaches him:What's wrong? You look really beat today.

Don't ask, I had the worst weekend you could imagine.

What happened?

I was visiting an old friend that I haven't seen in years and the family caught me sniffing his sister's underwear.

Okay, that's ...

Returning to work, a colleague asks me, "Pick up any new hobbies while stuck at home?"

"Yeah," I reply through my mask, "I took up ventriloquism. I'm pretty good; notice how you can't see my lips moving."

My work colleague rejected me today.

She said we were better office friends.

My work colleagues and I had a debate about who we thought America's most notorious assassin was.

Lee Harvey Oswald won by a long shot.

A businessman turned to a colleague and asked, "So, how many people work at your office?" His friend shrugged and replied,

"Oh about half of them."

An ISS astronaut says to his colleague, "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

His friend replies, "In space no one can. Here, use cream."

What did the doctor say to his colleague who did his work for him?

You're really testing my patients!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After finishing a long day in the office, John rushes towards the elevator. His colleague Matt rushes behind him...

"Hang on, you seem to be in a rush to get home today."
"Yes" replies John, "can't wait to get home and yank my wife's panties off"
"Ooh.... feeling frisky today" Matt says with a wink.
"F*ck that!" Groans John, "I accidentally wore her undies while rushing this morning. Suffered the tight ...

A doctor was telling a colleague about a patient who had come in from a terrible car accident.

"They were losing a lot of blood and had to be operated on right away. The other passengers from the accident came in with them, but were mostly unharmed. As I saw to the patient, a nurse got information from the others involved in the accident, apparently a brother and sister, Augustus and Beatrice...

For the fifth year in a row, I was voted as the most inarticulate guy by my colleagues at work.

I can’t tell you what that means to me.

Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year

Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asked his colleague: “What did he want to become when he was young ?”

His colleague said:”An assassin or a bird pornstar.”
The man replied: “So basically, crack skulls and fuck gulls.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss called me the biggest bullshitter he has ever seen in front of all my colleagues, but I’m not worried.

He didn’t actually say it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke that Abraham Lincoln told

I’ve never seen this joke here before, I read it in some biography long ago in my school days. This is a joke that actual President Lincoln told:

There was an American ambassador to England after the revolutionary war, and his bitter hosts wanted to antagonize him.

So they got a port...

I had an after-hours video conference with 16 colleagues last week.

Everyone was drinking and having a good time sharing stories and unwinding. We played never have I ever. One of my female coworkers asked if people had ever gone out without a bra on. As a man, I thought for a moment and raised my glass with the rest of my female colleagues.

They laughed.
...

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

All my colleagues at work call me “Mr. Compromise.”

It isn’t my first choice for a nickname, but I’m ok with it.

A German engineer approaches his Italian colleague...

"Give me iron and steel and I'll build you an aircraft carrier!"

The Italian says, "Give me your sister and I'll make you the crew."

A mathematician arrives at work on a bike

His colleague asks "Where did you get the bike?"

"That's really curious. Imagine, I was walking down the road, suddenly that young woman comes along on this bike, jumps off, takes her dress off 'til she's naked and says "Take what you want". So I took the bike."

"Makes sense", his coll...

Why did I get divorced?

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so sp...

A colleague of mine asked what I do for a living

I said "I sell marijuana."

He replied, "So you're a drug dealer?"

"No. I'm a florist."

I have a colleague who goes haywire every time he misplaces his camera.

Talk about a loose Canon

A man once told his female colleague that he just didn't think women were funny...

The female colleague said "Bet I can make you laugh in 30 seconds or less."

The man scoffs. "Oh yeah? Prove it."

The woman takes out a gun. "This is a fully loaded 9 mm. Laugh or I blow your f--king head off!"

The man puts his hands up in shock. "Are you crazy?!"

"LAUGH, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I believe my colleague is trying to sleep her way to the top.

Because she fucks up every day.

A man gets pulled over by the police.

Robert: Is something wrong, officer?

Officer: Yes, you were driving too fast.

Robert: Okay, I understand.

Officer: May I see your driver's license, please?

Robert: I would like to let you see it if I had one.

Officer: You do not have a driver's license?

Robe...

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

American tells to his Russian colleague:

"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him"

The Russian:

"When Putin passes by, we all piss on him"

The American:

"I exaggerated a little - we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit".

The Russian:

"And I ...

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar.

So I have to fill her slot instead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I got called into HR after telling a colleague to eat my ass.

I got off with a warning after explaining that I meant it tongue-in-cheek.

I love my job..

Lately, colleagues have been writing names on the food in the office fridge.
I’m currently eating a yogurt named Susan.

I figured out why my male colleagues look so old.

We have a manager.

Two doctors sitting on a bench at the park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:
- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong
- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia
- I have to disagree with you, that dragging of the...

When I worked at Blockbuster back then, I had a German colleague who strictly refused to hand out "An American Tail" to customers.

He obviously had a Nein-to-Fievel job.

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
...

Colleague and I were discussing African country names and mentioned how Ghana sounds like a STD

He then said: only if you travel from Ghana-Rio. I lost it and coffee came out of my nose

An anesthesiologist asks his colleague, "Man I borrow some chloroform?"

"Knock yourself out."

A psychiatrist asks for a second opinion from a colleague

"I have this crazy guy in one of my wards, he likes to eat teacups. Have you seen anything like this?"

"Wait, does he eat the handles too?"

"No, that's the curious thing, he leaves the handles untouched."

"Well then he's definitely crazy, the handles are the tastiest part!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmy brought his kitten to school, he told his teacher his father was going to kill it

"I overheard Dad telling Mum that he would eat that pussy after I leave for school"

\-from a colleague

My colleague offered to help me filter adult contents from more than a thousand hours of video.

Nah, thanks. I'm gonna do it single handedly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pete writes a letter to Santa the day before Christmas. It says: "Dear Santa, please be so kind and give me 100$, I was a good kid this year and we are very poor".

He posts it and waits patiently. The next day one of tha mailmen opens it and reads the letter. He feels really sorry for the kid knowing he won't get the money.

The postman talks to other colleagues and they feel sorry for the poor kid too. They manage to assemble 50$ only. Although it's not...

My friend Victor is a historian

He invited me to a party at his house and started introducing me to all his colleagues.
“This is Victor, he’s a historian of the renaissance. The guy next to him is Victor Jr, he’s a historian of ancient Egypt. And those two guys over there are Victor and Victor, they are doing great work on Mes...

Me and a colleague had been hanging out at a bar after work a few times.

We always had a good time, talking about stuff "man-to-man" and all that.

One day I asked if he'd like to come over to my house for dinner sometime. He freaked out and said that he wasn't "like that" and promptly left.

I was left standing in shock. I had no idea he was a homeophobe.

Pandemic fun

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU- I watched porn at full volume on the work PC. Masturbated thrice and spoke to 3 female colleagues while doing the deed.

Thank god I work from home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man saw that his wife was watching a cooking show and commented: "Why are you watching a cooking show? You can't cook anyway!"

His wife replied: "Why do you watch porn then? You can't fuck anyway!"

P.S. Sorry if you've heard this before but my colleague just told me this joke.

I wanted something from my colleague so I asked him - “How busy are you today?”

He replied “As busy as a cucumber in a women’s prison”!

NSFW

So i was in the office today and I asked my colleague what “NSFW” means.

They replied “Its Not safe for work”

“Aahhh ok tell me at the pub then”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Earlier today a work colleague called me a "shallow Neanderthal mysoginist"

I let it pass though because she has fantastic tits.

This one’s true. A work colleague of mine told me she went to Bangkok on her honeymoon. I replied,

I know you did, but where did you go?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today my jerk colleague from work asked me to cover his ass so that he can attend a pool party with his friends

I refused with anger and told him to use swimming trunks like everyone else does.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scientist named Nick asked his colleague about what was smelling here.

"Arsenic", he said.

A failed wake up call...

In San Diego to work with military linguists, my colleague and I checked into a hotel and ordered a 5 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, the phone didn’t ring until 5:30. “You were supposed to call us at 5 a.m.!” I admonished the desk clerk on the other end of the line. “What if I had to close a ­...

The other day during lunch break I saw one of my colleagues playing some kind of war game on his smartphone. As I poured my coffee I asked him about the game he was playing and we started small talking. Few minutes into our small talk he stated that so far he'd spend $700 in in game purchases.

I bursted into a loud laughter while shouting how that was the stupidest thing and biggest waste of money I've ever heard of!

Man, I was still laughing out loud in disbelief walking off and even still chuckling as I entered the smoking room

A colleague of mine fell into a vat of chemicals.

Ironically, his quick reaction killed him.

Two catholic priests are discussing their colleague's retirement.

"It's strange", says one priest.

"How so?, asked the other.

The first priest replies, "Well ever since Arthur left his church, the choirboys haven't been able to sing as high."

Three men stop for lunch

Three men stop for lunch on a construction site while working on the 10th floor. The first one, Chang from China says "I am so bored with what I have been having for lunch. If I have noodles again for lunch, I am going to jump off the building" And he opens his lunch to find noodles, and promptly ju...

The president of Valve walks into a bar with 2 colleagues.

The waitress approaches their table and the president orders drinks for them.

"We'll need 2 beers and 1 beer please."

The waitress looks confused. "So you need 3 beers?"

The president is also confused. "What the hell is 3?"

I finally confronted the colleague drinking whole pot of common office coffee

How do you even sleep at night?

We had a job opening with 60 applicants. I threw the top half of the pile of resumes away without looking at them. My colleague asked why I did that.

I replied, "I do not want unlucky people working for me."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Many fellow physicians were scheduling their own colonoscopy before a respected colleague ended his many years of practice. Just before going under sedation for my procedure I told him…

“I’m just part of the parade of assholes here in your last few months to wish you a happy retirement.”

A microbiologist went over to his colleague at the bar and said...

'I see you are also a man of culture.'

A woman in work was fired for having intimate relations with a colleague.

We don't know who fingered her

Arnold Schwarzenegger goes back to Austria for Easter.

When he returns to California his friend says to him, “Arnie, I hear you went back home to Austria for Easter. How was it?”

To which Arnie replies: “Oh it was terrible! My father he ruined the Easter Egg hunt, he put all of the eggs in awful places and nobody could find any eggs and quite g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A barista was admiring his colleague's ass at Starbucks...

Barista: "Damn Karen your ass is large."

Colleague: "Stop it Brian, we're at work."

Barista: "Oh sorry, I mean that ass is Venti."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think my colleagues are gays!

Every time I walk pass them, I can hear them mumble

"What an ass"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A colleague asked me what my plans were for tonight.

I said, "Home alone for a wank."

Laughing, he asked, "Aren't you married?"

"I am," I replied. "But Macauley Culkin really does it for me."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My colleague at work said I'm a gullible twat.

Who am I to argue with the current WWE champion?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Japanese colleague got really angry today after losing his battered prawns.

He really lost his tempura.

A scientist walks into a bar

He sees a colleague from work and starts chatting him up. The first scientist says to the bartender, "I'll have a glass of H2O". The second scientist says, "I'll have a water as well". He then turns to his colleague. "Y'know, we're off work. You don't have to use the technical terms here". The first...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wron...

Two mathematicians were having lunch at a diner and got into a rousing discussion about the state of mathematics education in the US.

The first mathematician insisted that the general American populace was woefully inadequate when it came to understanding even basic math, while the second felt the average person knew more than they were given credit. They made a friendly wager and agreed that the next time their waitress came by, ...

My colleagues wanted to do a team building activity, and someone suggested a ropes course.

A few folks were hesitant, but I'm happy to say everyone came. I've never experience such fantastic bondage.

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a G...

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A colleague told me a nutty joke

Her: What do you have if you have two nuts on the wall?

Me: Walnuts?

Her: Yes! What do you have if you have two nuts in wrapped in a dollar bill?

Me: Cashews..?

Her: Yes! What do you have if you have two nuts on your chin?

Me: I dont know..

Her: Probably a d...

Did you hear about the white biologist stealing a petri dish from his black colleague?

It was a case of cultural appropriation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lost in Translation

In my youth I was a bit of a Lady's man and had quite my share of girlfriends.

At one point, while I was at university, I went to Germany for Erasmus and I met a university colleague that I ended up dating for a while.

She had the strange fetish of giving me a score whenever we made lo...

Two lawyers were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries.

"I don't get it," said one. "She's an airhead - nothing going on upstairs."

"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

Two explorers discover two adjacent islands, both inhabited by indigenous tribes...

They want to be the first to contact these tribes, learn their language, and report their findings as soon as possible. To help speed things up, they decide to split up to an island each, learn the languages of each tribe, and meet back up later to discuss findings.

After a couple weeks, one ...

What did the scientist say after attacking his colleague with sodium chloride?

That's a salt!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I walked into work this morning my colleague said, "Dave, you look like shit."

"Last night was crazy." I replied.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunk," I replied. "And we ended up going back to Trevor's girlfriend's flat and having a threesome."

"Don't you mean a foursome?" he asked.

"No, she was out."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work"...

A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work".

The doctor had a thorough examination and was amazed.

"I've never seen anything like this" he said. "You can't have sex, you couldn't give birth, and it doesn't look like you can even us...

A joke a Polish colleague just told me.

When a Polish man is tasked with killing a German and a Russian, he is asked who he will kill first.

The answer is first the German, after the Russian.

When asking for an explanation, he says 'Duty comes first, pleasure comes after'.

Last night my black colleague.......

Last night my black colleague walked away with the 'Employee of the year' award.

Luckily security stopped him at the door.

So a work colleague told me that Prince died and they found his body in a lift.

Well, he was obviously coming down with something.

A group of 6 Irish professors and researchers walk into a bar one night...

They have a good old-time drinking, discussing theory, students and their mistakes, current research ideas, and anything and everything in between.

One researcher, who appears to be the leader of this group, orders a round of drinks for everyone and introduces himself to the barkeep as Arthu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fiat vs Ferrari

So on a nice and sunny Sunday afternoon Jim is taking his LaFerrari for a Spin on the Highway. Driving along for a while when Jim spots a broken down Car on the side of the road, apparently having some issues. As Jim is passing he realizes the Car is a Old Fiat 500.

Chuckling to Himself abou...

My work colleague asked me

“Why do you keep a picture of your wife on your desk if you hate her so much?”


I replied, “In case I’m tempted to take a day off.”

A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. ....

A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look".
Whispering under her breath, the wife says, "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watc...

Colleague said "I used to be the most fashionable chick in my batch in college!"

To which "What changed after college?" Is not the apt reply.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My colleagues call me the pussy slayer...

I'm in charge of euthanising cats at the kennel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mature Lady

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't hav...

A victim of bullying on death row

There was once a man who was bullied for looking sort of like a clown, with pale skin and a red nose. After years of being bullied by classmates and coworkers alike, he snaps and commits a homicide in the office he worked at.

For the murders of several people, he gets put on death row.
Aft...

Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?

“Well son, you see, your mom really likes Easter, and so we used an anagram of that to name your sister.”

“Got it, thanks Dad!”

“No problem, Alan.”



[Just heard this from a colleague, apologies in advance if this is a repost in this sub]

A lake peer officer is talking through a megaphone: "Boat 99, please return to shore, your time is up"

A colleague walks up to him and asks: "Who are you calling? There are only 70 boats today."

The officer looks back at the lake, thinks for a bit, and starts talking again: "Boat 66, is everything ok?"

An older minister sat in the congregation of a younger colleagues church as he noticed fellow church goers falling asleep during the sermon.

The younger minister notices this as well. And so he says to his congregation, "For many years of my life I have been in the arms of another woman other than my wife."
The congregation stirred and gasped as they paid more attention to get the full shocking story.
"It was my mother!" He finishe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gynecologist asks his colleague for a consultation.

A doctor is doing some paperwork when a colleague enters his office.

"You have to see this. I have a patient whose clitoris is like a watermelon!"

They both go to the examination room, where a woman is in the stirrups with a cloth covering her private parts. The doctor raises the clo...

Why was the physicist being so careful not to insult his colleague's choice of generalized coordinates and momentum?

He was just minding his Ps and Qs.

My colleague was fired for stealing printer cartridges

He was caught magenta handed.

What does a Mexican carpet fitter say to motivate his colleagues?

Underlay! Underlay!

I called a colleague inviting him to an orgy.

He asked how many people will be there. I said " if you and your wife come, there will be three of us."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

F**k off Bill

A software engineer was waiting in the VIP lounge for his flight from JFK airport. He was supposed to meet his colleague for a coffee before he flew home, but the colleague was late. He spotted Bill Gates sitting alone at a table and walked over and said – Wow, I can't believe it's Bill Gates. Nice ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My colleague was being a real asshole the other day.

We had a costume contest and he definitely won the prize for "Most Obscene."

I have a lift off a colleague to work everyday, and always feel ill when we go under bridges....

I think I must have carpool tunnel syndrome.

I took my 8 year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we walked around the office, she started crying, so I asked what was wrong with her.

As my colleagues gathered round she sobbed: "But daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two colleagues agree to meet in their favorite bar

The first colleague arrives a bit before the agreed time and figures he'd just buy himself a beer while waiting for his colleague. Fifteen minutes later his beer is empty and his colleague is not yet there. He figures his colleague just needed to take of something at home, and orders another beer wh...

A well renown heart surgeon has passed away.

All of his familiy members, colleagues and former students attend at his funeral service. Near the end of the ceremony, his well decorated coffin is being lowered into a heart shaped patch of red flowers, which opens up just before the coffin is being lowered. During that process, a man amongst the ...

Happily Married

There is a couple who have been married for 30 years. Every Friday for dinner the husband would come home from work and the wife would serve him a huge bowl of chilli. One friday, the husband comes home with a colleague so the wife serves up two bowls. When the wife gets up to go to the kitchen, the...

A Soviet judge walks out of the courtroom laughing

A colleague asks him what's so funny

"I just heard one of the best jokes I ever heard"

"Awesome! What's the joke?"

"I can't, I just sent someone to the GULAG for it"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lose 10Kg/22 Pounds a week or get double your money back !

A guy is reading his newspaper and stops on an ad:

"***Lose 5 Kg /11 Pounds in one week or we will pay you back twice your money, guaranteed !***"

He goes to the adress and the hostess at the reception collect the payment and shows the client a room saying: enter here you will see ...

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