Sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and many hours of hard work, one of my colleagues was struck off today due to a minor indiscretion....

He slept with one of his patients. Even though they were good friends, he is no longer allowed to work in the profession he has loved all this time. Such a shame as he is a genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet...

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After a tough week, a colleague said he was totally wiped out.

I said, "You're an asshole. What did you expect?"

A man is asked by his colleagues why he never goes on their annual bungee-jumping trips.

He says, "A broken rubber brought me into this world. I'm not letting one take me out of it."

Colleague from work has just texted saying he’s caught Covid from his cat.

Don’t ask meow

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This is literally what my non-religious brother said to my Astronaut colleague.

Colleague :Hey Abraham, you are a Jew right?

Abraham : Well, not exactly. I'm Jew-ish.

A doctor received a call from his colleague.

"We need a fourth to join us for a game of golf," said his friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting his pants on, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," he answered gravely. "In fact, they are three doctors there already."

I asked my Spanish colleague if he could include me on an email

He replied, “CC”

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Three colleagues are having a talk about how dumb their girlfriends are

The first one says: "My grilfriend is so dumb, she just spent $20.000 on a new kitchen, but she doesn't even know how to cook!"

The second one says: "My grilfriend is even dumber, she just spent $50.000 on a new car, but she doesn't even has a license!"

"Well," the third one says: "My ...

Monday morning in the office, a man notices that his colleague is very sad.

At breakfast, he approaches him:What's wrong? You look really beat today.

Don't ask, I had the worst weekend you could imagine.

What happened?

I was visiting an old friend that I haven't seen in years and the family caught me sniffing his sister's underwear.

Okay, that's ...

I’ve just been out to the shop to buy 25 sandwiches for all my colleagues in the office

I kept them all in separate bags though - didn’t want to put all my Greggs in the same basket

Two doctors are sitting on a bench at a park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:

- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong

- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia

- I have to disagree with you: that dra...

My beautiful colleague asked if I was free this weekend.

"Of course!" I can't be any more happier.

"Good." She replied: "Can I switch shift with you?"

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What did the horny chemist say to her colleague?

Compound me.

I was nervously dancing with my colleague at the Christmas party

As she leant her head on me she said “You smell nice, what have you got on?”

I sheepishly replied “A hard on, but I didn’t think you could smell it...?”

An ISS astronaut says to his colleague, "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

His friend replies, "In space no one can. Here, use cream."

My work colleagues and I had a debate about who we thought America's most notorious assassin was.

Lee Harvey Oswald won by a long shot.

A businessman turned to a colleague and asked, "So, how many people work at your office?" His friend shrugged and replied,

"Oh about half of them."

Returning to work, a colleague asks me, "Pick up any new hobbies while stuck at home?"

"Yeah," I reply through my mask, "I took up ventriloquism. I'm pretty good; notice how you can't see my lips moving."

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After finishing a long day in the office, John rushes towards the elevator. His colleague Matt rushes behind him...

"Hang on, you seem to be in a rush to get home today."
"Yes" replies John, "can't wait to get home and yank my wife's panties off"
"Ooh.... feeling frisky today" Matt says with a wink.
"F*ck that!" Groans John, "I accidentally wore her undies while rushing this morning. Suffered the tight ...

For the fifth year in a row, I was voted as the most inarticulate guy by my colleagues at work.

I can’t tell you what that means to me.

My work colleague rejected me today.

She said we were better office friends.

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Had to shit

Just over halfway through the flight, all the coffee in my stomach feels like it's percolating its way down into my lower intestine. I hunker down and try and focus on other things. What feels like an hour, but probably isn't more than twenty minutes, passes. We then enter what turns out to be prett...

My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year

Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me

What did the doctor say to his colleague who did his work for him?

You're really testing my patients!

A doctor was telling a colleague about a patient who had come in from a terrible car accident.

"They were losing a lot of blood and had to be operated on right away. The other passengers from the accident came in with them, but were mostly unharmed. As I saw to the patient, a nurse got information from the others involved in the accident, apparently a brother and sister, Augustus and Beatrice...

All my colleagues at work call me “Mr. Compromise.”

It isn’t my first choice for a nickname, but I’m ok with it.

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American tells to his Russian colleague:

"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him"

The Russian:

"When Putin passes by, we all piss on him"

The American:

"I exaggerated a little - we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit".

The Russian:

"And I ...

Do you know the difference between "complete" and "finished"

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished."

However, during a recent linguistic conference attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make...

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

I had an after-hours video conference with 16 colleagues last week.

Everyone was drinking and having a good time sharing stories and unwinding. We played never have I ever. One of my female coworkers asked if people had ever gone out without a bra on. As a man, I thought for a moment and raised my glass with the rest of my female colleagues.

They laughed.
...

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A man asked his colleague: “What did he want to become when he was young ?”

His colleague said:”An assassin or a bird pornstar.”
The man replied: “So basically, crack skulls and fuck gulls.”

Whenever I'm feeling down at work

I spray my Pakistani colleague in the face with some furniture polish.



It never fails to brighten Mahmood.

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My boss called me the biggest bullshitter he has ever seen in front of all my colleagues, but I’m not worried.

He didn’t actually say it.

My doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear...

I overheard him telling his colleague that I had "Serious healthy shoes".

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
...

The Right Choice

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears i...

Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

I got stopped by a woman cop with "LAPD" on her cap

I said, where's your colleague with "ANCE" on hers?

A man worked at a coal mine. He beat up his colleague severely but they let him go

it was a miner offense

A colleague of mine asked what I do for a living

I said "I sell marijuana."

He replied, "So you're a drug dealer?"

"No. I'm a florist."

A German engineer approaches his Italian colleague...

"Give me iron and steel and I'll build you an aircraft carrier!"

The Italian says, "Give me your sister and I'll make you the crew."

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

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Today I got called into HR after telling a colleague to eat my ass.

I got off with a warning after explaining that I meant it tongue-in-cheek.

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I believe my colleague is trying to sleep her way to the top.

Because she fucks up every day.

Three explorers are captured by natives

All 3 are tied up and displayed in the middle of the village. The leader of the natives approaches them.

"You are trespassers and must be punished. You must choose between death and ooga-booga." The explorers learn that "ooga-booga" is forced sodomy.

"I am too young to die!" the fir...

An anesthesiologist asks his colleague, "Man I borrow some chloroform?"

"Knock yourself out."

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar.

So I have to fill her slot instead.

I figured out why my male colleagues look so old.

We have a manager.

When I worked at Blockbuster back then, I had a German colleague who strictly refused to hand out "An American Tail" to customers.

He obviously had a Nein-to-Fievel job.

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

A psychiatrist asks for a second opinion from a colleague

"I have this crazy guy in one of my wards, he likes to eat teacups. Have you seen anything like this?"

"Wait, does he eat the handles too?"

"No, that's the curious thing, he leaves the handles untouched."

"Well then he's definitely crazy, the handles are the tastiest part!"

A colleague of mine fell into a vat of chemicals.

Ironically, his quick reaction killed him.

What happens when everyone forgets your birthday

It is so sad when everyone forgets your birthday.

Well, last week was my birthday and my wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday in the morning before I went to work.

My parents forgot too and so did my kids.

I got into work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday....

The president of Valve walks into a bar with 2 colleagues.

The waitress approaches their table and the president orders drinks for them.

"We'll need 2 beers and 1 beer please."

The waitress looks confused. "So you need 3 beers?"

The president is also confused. "What the hell is 3?"

I wanted something from my colleague so I asked him - “How busy are you today?”

He replied “As busy as a cucumber in a women’s prison”!

My colleague offered to help me filter adult contents from more than a thousand hours of video.

Nah, thanks. I'm gonna do it single handedly

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TIFU- I watched porn at full volume on the work PC. Masturbated thrice and spoke to 3 female colleagues while doing the deed.

Thank god I work from home.

The other day during lunch break I saw one of my colleagues playing some kind of war game on his smartphone. As I poured my coffee I asked him about the game he was playing and we started small talking. Few minutes into our small talk he stated that so far he'd spend $700 in in game purchases.

I bursted into a loud laughter while shouting how that was the stupidest thing and biggest waste of money I've ever heard of!

Man, I was still laughing out loud in disbelief walking off and even still chuckling as I entered the smoking room

Me and a colleague had been hanging out at a bar after work a few times.

We always had a good time, talking about stuff "man-to-man" and all that.

One day I asked if he'd like to come over to my house for dinner sometime. He freaked out and said that he wasn't "like that" and promptly left.

I was left standing in shock. I had no idea he was a homeophobe.

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Rabbi Eliezer was the most brilliant Rabbi of all time...

Nevertheless, his fellow Rabbis would often disagree with his opinions, leading to lengthy philosophical and theological debates.

During one debate on the subject of the legal minutiae of a religious ritual he found himself at odds with three of his colleagues. While everyone recognized that ...

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A joke that Abraham Lincoln told

I’ve never seen this joke here before, I read it in some biography long ago in my school days. This is a joke that actual President Lincoln told:

There was an American ambassador to England after the revolutionary war, and his bitter hosts wanted to antagonize him.

So they got a port...

This one’s true. A work colleague of mine told me she went to Bangkok on her honeymoon. I replied,

I know you did, but where did you go?

We had a job opening with 60 applicants. I threw the top half of the pile of resumes away without looking at them. My colleague asked why I did that.

I replied, "I do not want unlucky people working for me."

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, ''I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your child...

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Today my jerk colleague from work asked me to cover his ass so that he can attend a pool party with his friends

I refused with anger and told him to use swimming trunks like everyone else does.

A woman in work was fired for having intimate relations with a colleague.

We don't know who fingered her

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A scientist named Nick asked his colleague about what was smelling here.

"Arsenic", he said.

Two catholic priests are discussing their colleague's retirement.

"It's strange", says one priest.

"How so?, asked the other.

The first priest replies, "Well ever since Arthur left his church, the choirboys haven't been able to sing as high."

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Many fellow physicians were scheduling their own colonoscopy before a respected colleague ended his many years of practice. Just before going under sedation for my procedure I told him…

“I’m just part of the parade of assholes here in your last few months to wish you a happy retirement.”

A man had a workplace accident which caused him to lose one of his ear.

He had no choice but to get a ear prosthetic to replace his lost ear. However, he seemed to be a completely changed person, from his mannerisms to his personality. His colleague finally caved and asked him one day: "Hey, why have you changed so much since the accident?". To which he replied:
...

I finally confronted the colleague drinking whole pot of common office coffee

How do you even sleep at night?

A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant

The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman’s doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.

“What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is...

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My colleague at work said I'm a gullible twat.

Who am I to argue with the current WWE champion?

A blonde’s colleague complains that her desk is really messy

“A messy desk is a sign of a messy mind” he asserts.

“and your desk is really empty.” says the blonde.

A microbiologist went over to his colleague at the bar and said...

'I see you are also a man of culture.'

Another Lawyer Joke

A very successful attorney parked his brand-new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and ...

What did the investigator say to his colleague at the bomb site?

Edit: Wow, this blew up!

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A colleague asked me what my plans were for tonight.

I said, "Home alone for a wank."

Laughing, he asked, "Aren't you married?"

"I am," I replied. "But Macauley Culkin really does it for me."

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Dave loses his Licence

There was this guy David, just turned eighteen, the last three months all he's been talking about is his birthday, about tonight, all his mates are coming along to the local, his mum's coming, his dad, his sisters and brothers, guys from school, guys from work, his girlfriend, her mum, her dad, it's...

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I think my colleagues are gays!

Every time I walk pass them, I can hear them mumble

"What an ass"

A mathematician arrives at work on a bike

His colleague asks "Where did you get the bike?"

"That's really curious. Imagine, I was walking down the road, suddenly that young woman comes along on this bike, jumps off, takes her dress off 'til she's naked and says "Take what you want". So I took the bike."

"Makes sense", his coll...

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My Japanese colleague got really angry today after losing his battered prawns.

He really lost his tempura.

A construction worker fell off a tall scaffold.

His colleagues dashed over to the edge and looked down in horror as he plummeted towards his death, crashing and bouncing off the metal structure.

A worker gasped in shock, "He will be bloody missed."

His manager replied, "No he's not. He's a splatter on the pavement."

"Why is it important for engineers and architects to get along?"

I was asked this by an engineer I was driving to a conference center from the airport.

"I don't know, why?"

"Well, you see, if all the buildings in the World were built only by architects, they would all collapse under their own weight."

This elicited some chuckles from his coll...

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A colleague told me a nutty joke

Her: What do you have if you have two nuts on the wall?

Me: Walnuts?

Her: Yes! What do you have if you have two nuts in wrapped in a dollar bill?

Me: Cashews..?

Her: Yes! What do you have if you have two nuts on your chin?

Me: I dont know..

Her: Probably a d...

My colleagues wanted to do a team building activity, and someone suggested a ropes course.

A few folks were hesitant, but I'm happy to say everyone came. I've never experience such fantastic bondage.

Last night my black colleague.......

Last night my black colleague walked away with the 'Employee of the year' award.

Luckily security stopped him at the door.

What did the scientist say after attacking his colleague with sodium chloride?

That's a salt!

Did you hear about the white biologist stealing a petri dish from his black colleague?

It was a case of cultural appropriation.

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As I walked into work this morning my colleague said, "Dave, you look like shit."

"Last night was crazy." I replied.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunk," I replied. "And we ended up going back to Trevor's girlfriend's flat and having a threesome."

"Don't you mean a foursome?" he asked.

"No, she was out."

Two lawyers were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries.

"I don't get it," said one. "She's an airhead - nothing going on upstairs."

"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."

So a work colleague told me that Prince died and they found his body in a lift.

Well, he was obviously coming down with something.

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An American anthropologist is studying cultures throughout Western Africa.

He discovers an isolated civilization in the West African Jungle. It’s a small village with wooden houses and plenty of domesticated animals. The anthropologist is impressed by the organization of the village and becomes eager to learn more about the culture of it’s inhabitants.

He approa...

A young well dressed blonde woman enters a high end New York City Bank seeking a loan.

The baker she sees checks her references and asks what she plans to use as collateral for the loan, which is only $5000, far less than most clients ask for at his bank.

She offers her Mercedes Benz as collateral. Everything checks out and the banker approves the loan, and the woman thanks him...

A joke a Polish colleague just told me.

When a Polish man is tasked with killing a German and a Russian, he is asked who he will kill first.

The answer is first the German, after the Russian.

When asking for an explanation, he says 'Duty comes first, pleasure comes after'.

A man gets pulled over by the police.

Robert: Is something wrong, officer?

Officer: Yes, you were driving too fast.

Robert: Okay, I understand.

Officer: May I see your driver's license, please?

Robert: I would like to let you see it if I had one.

Officer: You do not have a driver's license?

Robe...

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, ‟We have been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was ont rich in life, I'd like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace.”

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, and...

My work colleague asked me

“Why do you keep a picture of your wife on your desk if you hate her so much?”


I replied, “In case I’m tempted to take a day off.”

A new general was allotted to a new army base

After some time in the base he realised how there were two army men guarding an empty bench all the time. He asked his colleagues and his juniors what it was all about. A colleague said “I don’t know but it’s been happening since I joined 35 years ago.” The general confused as he was went through th...

Colleague said "I used to be the most fashionable chick in my batch in college!"

To which "What changed after college?" Is not the apt reply.

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My colleagues call me the pussy slayer...

I'm in charge of euthanising cats at the kennel.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer

were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, ‟What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, ‟I do not know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest said, ‟Here comes the green-keeper. ...

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

Materialistic

A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the curb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls ...

An older minister sat in the congregation of a younger colleagues church as he noticed fellow church goers falling asleep during the sermon.

The younger minister notices this as well. And so he says to his congregation, "For many years of my life I have been in the arms of another woman other than my wife."
The congregation stirred and gasped as they paid more attention to get the full shocking story.
"It was my mother!" He finishe...

My colleague was fired for stealing printer cartridges

He was caught magenta handed.

Why was the physicist being so careful not to insult his colleague's choice of generalized coordinates and momentum?

He was just minding his Ps and Qs.

A Soviet judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off

A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing."I just heard the funniest joke in the world!".

"Well", his colleague says, " Dont keep a good joke to yourself, go ahead and tell me!"

The other judge replies,"I can't – I just gave someone ten years for it!"

What does a Mexican carpet fitter say to motivate his colleagues?

Underlay! Underlay!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My colleague was being a real asshole the other day.

We had a costume contest and he definitely won the prize for "Most Obscene."

I love my job..

Lately, colleagues have been writing names on the food in the office fridge.
I’m currently eating a yogurt named Susan.

I called a colleague inviting him to an orgy.

He asked how many people will be there. I said " if you and your wife come, there will be three of us."

I was hard at work

I was hard at work at the weekend, when my colleague leaned over and said to me "don't kill yourself"

I thought on it, yet two days later they found me suspending from a 20 storey apartment block.

It's hard work being a window cleaner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmy brought his kitten to school, he told his teacher his father was going to kill it

"I overheard Dad telling Mum that he would eat that pussy after I leave for school"

\-from a colleague

A scientist walks into a bar

He sees a colleague from work and starts chatting him up. The first scientist says to the bartender, "I'll have a glass of H2O". The second scientist says, "I'll have a water as well". He then turns to his colleague. "Y'know, we're off work. You don't have to use the technical terms here". The first...

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