The 119+ Best Colleague Jokes

My colleagues call me “The Computer”.

Nothing to do with my intelligence. I just go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife

"We need a 4th for poker"

"I'll be right over" says the doctor.

"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.

"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."

Saw the CEO arriving to work in a Ferrari this morning. He noticed i was looking and he told me "if you work hard for this company, if you stay overtime without asking compensation, if you truly believe you can make a difference and instill the same passion into your colleagues...

... then probably next year I'll be able to go for a Lambo"

My work colleague:"I've divorced my wife and the court has decided that we have to split the house in two..."

I asked him: "What part of the house will you get?"

He replied: "The outside..."

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American tells to his Russian colleague:

"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him"

The Russian:

"When Putin passes by, we all piss on him"

The American:

"I exaggerated a little - we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit".

The Russian:

"And I ...

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
...

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues,

when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same.

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawye...

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

As Steven Weinberg was finishing the presentation of his contributions to the Standard Model, a colleague asks:

"This work is incredible. Do you understand the gravity of what you've done?"

Weinberg: "No, weren't you listening? That's the only force we don't understand."

(I'm sorry for this terrible and obscure joke, feel free to downvote.)

A colleague of mine fell into a vat of chemicals.

Ironically, his quick reaction killed him.

Recently found out that one of my colleague was an insectophile...

I'm shocked really, didn't seemed like a guy who bed bugs.

On three occasions now this week a colleague has approached me and said “I’m worried about what’s going on with you”.

What’s weirder is they think my name is “Crane”.

Why do ambitious bankers make lousy colleagues but great partners?

They'll never leave you a loan.

A group of colleagues go for a night out after work in Singapore...

They join a queue for a nightclub and get chatting to the bouncer.

"So where are you lads from?"

One of the friends replies

"Well I'm from here in Singapore, but my friends are all visiting on business. Kwok and Hung are from Malaysia, Minh is from Vietnam, Liu is from Taiwan, G...

Pavlov is speaking with a colleague.

Pavlov: I've conditioned a dog to drool when it hears a bell. By ringing a bell before giving it food, it associates the bell with food and starts drooling when it hears it now.
Colleague: Hah, dogs are dumb. How many times did you run this test?
Pavlov: 69 times.
Colleague: Nice!

A friend of mine worked at a production line for a toy factory, producing Dracula dolls. Shortly before Halloween, demand was high, but he only had one colleague.

So he had to make every second Count.

A mathematician and his colleague go to a diner…

Professor Wilkins, a professor of topology, and his colleague, Professor Thompson of the statistics department, go to a diner near their building for lunch.

“So, what do you figure the chances are that I can get a free donut with lunch if I ask the waitress nicely?” asked Wilkins.

“Fre...

My colleague won’t be able to attend next week’s Innuendo Seminar,

so I have to fill her slot instead.

Boss talking to his colleague.

Boss: We're doing random drug testing today.

Colleague: Ok boss but I won't try crack cocaine.

A spiritualist who’d recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly…..

she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.
"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them."
"Why not?" asked her friend.
"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."...

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An Elderly Woman Gets Pulled Over For Speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

O...

"Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague.

"Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."

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A guy turns to his colleague and says "man...this minute I get home, I'm ripping my wife's panties off". The colleague asks "why...you really horny?"

And the guy replies "no...the elastic band in them is too tight and its killing me."

The president of Valve walks into a bar with 2 colleagues.

The waitress approaches their table and the president orders drinks for them.

"We'll need 2 beers and 1 beer please."

The waitress looks confused. "So you need 3 beers?"

The president is also confused. "What the hell is 3?"

I uninstalled Facebook as I got depressed seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage.

I uninstalled LinkedIn as I got depressed seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion.

I uninstalled instagram as I got depressed seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.

But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .

A doctor received a call from his colleague.

"We need a fourth to join us for a game of golf," said his friend. "I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting his pants on, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," he answered gravely. "In fact, they are three doctors there already."

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A cannibal and his piece of shit colleague were arguing. The cannibal lost his temper, killed his colleague and ate him. But the next day…

…his colleague was still a piece of shit.

I told my colleague to stay positive…

…which, in hindsight, would be unhelpful considering he has COVID.

Monday morning in the office, a man notices that his colleague is very sad.

At breakfast, he approaches him:What's wrong? You look really beat today.

Don't ask, I had the worst weekend you could imagine.

What happened?

I was visiting an old friend that I haven't seen in years and the family caught me sniffing his sister's underwear.

Okay, that's ...

Got into an argument with a colleague so I bought their favorite Indian food, to attempt to make up.

I tried to curry favor but they were having naan of it. I only managed to tikka them off more.

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A businessman is convinced by a work colleague to go out for a drink after work... 'OK, but just the one mind you, my wife gets terribly upset if I come home drunk!'

After a couple in the pub near the office he is talked into heading up town for some more drinks. At each new round of drinks he mentions that he shouldn't drink any more or his wife will make his life hell!

Finally they decide that they've had enough to drink and head for the train stati...

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

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A pathologist talks to his colleague

"You are not going to believe it but yesterday I had a woman on a table with a clit like a pickle."

"That big?" asks the other pathologist.

"No, that sour".

It's my cake day so lets celebrate with the dirtiest joke I know. :-)

What do exotic dancers call their colleagues?

Their co-twerkers

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So I was called today to the HR officer over an anonymous complaint that I've been giving explicit nicknames to some of my female colleagues..

I'm not sure who made that complaint but I feel it might be 'Bitchface Bigtits'

I asked my Spanish colleague if he could include me on an email

He replied, “CC”

Two ex-colleagues meet up

Him: Do you have any children?

Her: Yes, one, it's almost two

Him: Well I know how much one is

Found out a colleague of mine who’s been missing for a few days was found dead this morning.

Apparently he walked into a cemetery while drunk and broke his neck as he fell into a dug up hole.

What a grave mistake.

Everyone knows Alan Turing, who cracked Enigma codes.

But nobody knows his sister Kate, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.

At work, my colleagues have given me the nickname “Mr. Compromise.”

It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m ok with it.

Sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and many hours of hard work, one of my colleagues was struck off today due to a minor indiscretion....

He slept with one of his patients. Even though they were good friends, he is no longer allowed to work in the profession he has loved all this time. Such a shame as he is a genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet...

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This is literally what my non-religious brother said to my Astronaut colleague.

Colleague :Hey Abraham, you are a Jew right?

Abraham : Well, not exactly. I'm Jew-ish.

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After a tough week, a colleague said he was totally wiped out.

I said, "You're an asshole. What did you expect?"

I'm a physicist.

It’s 3 AM. A woman paces angrily in her house waiting for her physicist husband to come home. Finally he does. As he walks through the door she glares and demands “where have you been!?” Sheepishly, the physicist husband tries to explain himself. He says, “well my colleagues and I went out just for ...

At a university there was a dean who cared about others and showed exemplary behavior. One day an angel appeared at a faculty conference.

The angel said as a reward for his good deeds that God would give him his choice of eternal riches, eternal wisdom, or eternal beauty.

The dean chose eternal wisdom without hesitation.

"Good," said the angel, disappearing into a cloud of smoke.

Everyone present turned their gaze...

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A man goes to the police to report sexual harassment in the work place by a group of horny work colleagues.

He's a zoo keeper in the rhino enclosure.

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A man bets his boss 5000$...

that he (the boss) has a pimple on his ass.

"No way!" - says the boss and accepts the bet.

He opens his ass to show to the man. The man says: "It's too dark here, move to the window so I can see better". The boss moves to the window. "Ok, you were right, there is no pimple on your ass"...

An ISS astronaut says to his colleague, "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

His friend replies, "In space no one can. Here, use cream."

What do you call your co-workers in a boring and depressing workplace?

Melancolleague(s)

I’ve just been out to the shop to buy 25 sandwiches for all my colleagues in the office

I kept them all in separate bags though - didn’t want to put all my Greggs in the same basket

A businessman turned to a colleague and asked, "So, how many people work at your office?" His friend shrugged and replied,

"Oh about half of them."

A doctor was telling a colleague about a patient who had come in from a terrible car accident.

"They were losing a lot of blood and had to be operated on right away. The other passengers from the accident came in with them, but were mostly unharmed. As I saw to the patient, a nurse got information from the others involved in the accident, apparently a brother and sister, Augustus and Beatrice...

An anesthesiologist asks his colleague, "Man I borrow some chloroform?"

"Knock yourself out."

Returning to work, a colleague asks me, "Pick up any new hobbies while stuck at home?"

"Yeah," I reply through my mask, "I took up ventriloquism. I'm pretty good; notice how you can't see my lips moving."

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What did the horny chemist say to her colleague?

Compound me.

A man is asked by his colleagues why he never goes on their annual bungee-jumping trips.

He says, "A broken rubber brought me into this world. I'm not letting one take me out of it."

My work colleague rejected me today.

She said we were better office friends.

What did the doctor say to his colleague who did his work for him?

You're really testing my patients!

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Today I got called into HR after telling a colleague to eat my ass.

I got off with a warning after explaining that I meant it tongue-in-cheek.

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Three colleagues are having a talk about how dumb their girlfriends are

The first one says: "My grilfriend is so dumb, she just spent $20.000 on a new kitchen, but she doesn't even know how to cook!"

The second one says: "My grilfriend is even dumber, she just spent $50.000 on a new car, but she doesn't even has a license!"

"Well," the third one says: "My ...

A colleague of mine asked what I do for a living

I said "I sell marijuana."

He replied, "So you're a drug dealer?"

"No. I'm a florist."

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My colleague at work said I'm a gullible twat.

Who am I to argue with the current WWE champion?

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Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

For the fifth year in a row, I was voted as the most inarticulate guy by my colleagues at work.

I can’t tell you what that means to me.

A German engineer approaches his Italian colleague...

"Give me iron and steel and I'll build you an aircraft carrier!"

The Italian says, "Give me your sister and I'll make you the crew."

We had a job opening with 60 applicants. I threw the top half of the pile of resumes away without looking at them. My colleague asked why I did that.

I replied, "I do not want unlucky people working for me."

I had an after-hours video conference with 16 colleagues last week.

Everyone was drinking and having a good time sharing stories and unwinding. We played never have I ever. One of my female coworkers asked if people had ever gone out without a bra on. As a man, I thought for a moment and raised my glass with the rest of my female colleagues.

They laughed.
...

When I worked at Blockbuster back then, I had a German colleague who strictly refused to hand out "An American Tail" to customers.

He obviously had a Nein-to-Fievel job.

A woman in work was fired for having intimate relations with a colleague.

We don't know who fingered her

A psychiatrist asks for a second opinion from a colleague

"I have this crazy guy in one of my wards, he likes to eat teacups. Have you seen anything like this?"

"Wait, does he eat the handles too?"

"No, that's the curious thing, he leaves the handles untouched."

"Well then he's definitely crazy, the handles are the tastiest part!"

My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year

Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me

I have a colleague who goes haywire every time he misplaces his camera.

Talk about a loose Canon

Last night my black colleague.......

Last night my black colleague walked away with the 'Employee of the year' award.

Luckily security stopped him at the door.

I wanted something from my colleague so I asked him - “How busy are you today?”

He replied “As busy as a cucumber in a women’s prison”!

Story of my divorce

Why did I get divorce, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy bi...

My colleague offered to help me filter adult contents from more than a thousand hours of video.

Nah, thanks. I'm gonna do it single handedly

My work colleagues and I had a debate about who we thought America's most notorious assassin was.

Lee Harvey Oswald won by a long shot.

My colleague finally joined a support group for people who talk way too much

It's called On and On Anon

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

This one’s true. A work colleague of mine told me she went to Bangkok on her honeymoon. I replied,

I know you did, but where did you go?

Me and a colleague had been hanging out at a bar after work a few times.

We always had a good time, talking about stuff "man-to-man" and all that.

One day I asked if he'd like to come over to my house for dinner sometime. He freaked out and said that he wasn't "like that" and promptly left.

I was left standing in shock. I had no idea he was a homeophobe.

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, "We've been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was not rich in life, I would like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace."

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, a...

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Today my jerk colleague from work asked me to cover his ass so that he can attend a pool party with his friends

I refused with anger and told him to use swimming trunks like everyone else does.

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Many fellow physicians were scheduling their own colonoscopy before a respected colleague ended his many years of practice. Just before going under sedation for my procedure I told him…

“I’m just part of the parade of assholes here in your last few months to wish you a happy retirement.”

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A colleague asked me what my plans were for tonight.

I said, "Home alone for a wank."

Laughing, he asked, "Aren't you married?"

"I am," I replied. "But Macauley Culkin really does it for me."

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My boss called me the biggest bullshitter he has ever seen in front of all my colleagues, but I’m not worried.

He didn’t actually say it.

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A scientist named Nick asked his colleague about what was smelling here.

"Arsenic", he said.

A Priest, a Doctor, and an Engineer are playing golf

An engineer, a priest, and a doctor are trying to enjoying a round of golf. Ahead of them is a group playing so slowly and inexpertly that in frustration the three ask the greenkeeper for an explanation. “That’s a group of blind firefighters,” they are told. “They lost their sight saving our clubhou...

The other day during lunch break I saw one of my colleagues playing some kind of war game on his smartphone. As I poured my coffee I asked him about the game he was playing and we started small talking. Few minutes into our small talk he stated that so far he'd spend $700 in in game purchases.

I bursted into a loud laughter while shouting how that was the stupidest thing and biggest waste of money I've ever heard of!

Man, I was still laughing out loud in disbelief walking off and even still chuckling as I entered the smoking room

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer

were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Le...

What did the electrician say to his depressed colleague?

Keep soldering on!

I finally confronted the colleague drinking whole pot of common office coffee

How do you even sleep at night?

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A colleague told me a nutty joke

Her: What do you have if you have two nuts on the wall?

Me: Walnuts?

Her: Yes! What do you have if you have two nuts in wrapped in a dollar bill?

Me: Cashews..?

Her: Yes! What do you have if you have two nuts on your chin?

Me: I dont know..

Her: Probably a d...

A microbiologist went over to his colleague at the bar and said...

'I see you are also a man of culture.'

I figured out why my male colleagues look so old.

We have a manager.

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My Japanese colleague got really angry today after losing his battered prawns.

He really lost his tempura.

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

What did the scientist say after attacking his colleague with sodium chloride?

That's a salt!

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TIFU- I watched porn at full volume on the work PC. Masturbated thrice and spoke to 3 female colleagues while doing the deed.

Thank god I work from home.

An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him.

The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your child...

Boss: Why has Mike not come to work today?

Colleague: He is in the hospital

Boss: But i saw him last night dancing with a girl.

Colleague: Yes. His wife saw him too

Four rabbis are having a debate

Four rabbis are debating scripture out in the garden, and one of them notices he's continuously outvoted by the other three even though he's absolutely certain he's right. At a certain point, his frustration gets the best of him and he stands up, raises his hands and and says "My Lord, you must know...

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As I walked into work this morning my colleague said, "Dave, you look like shit."

"Last night was crazy." I replied.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Me, my mate Steve and my mate Trevor all got very drunk," I replied. "And we ended up going back to Trevor's girlfriend's flat and having a threesome."

"Don't you mean a foursome?" he asked.

"No, she was out."

Did you hear about the white biologist stealing a petri dish from his black colleague?

It was a case of cultural appropriation.

So a work colleague told me that Prince died and they found his body in a lift.

Well, he was obviously coming down with something.

A joke a Polish colleague just told me.

When a Polish man is tasked with killing a German and a Russian, he is asked who he will kill first.

The answer is first the German, after the Russian.

When asking for an explanation, he says 'Duty comes first, pleasure comes after'.

My work colleague asked me

“Why do you keep a picture of your wife on your desk if you hate her so much?”

I replied, “In case I’m tempted to take a day off.”

Colleague said "I used to be the most fashionable chick in my batch in college!"

To which "What changed after college?" Is not the apt reply.

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I think my colleagues are gays!

Every time I walk pass them, I can hear them mumble

"What an ass"

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Ted Was Worried... [LONG]

Ted, my friend and colleague for many years called me (into his office) and told me he was worried his wife was having an affair.

"I think she's having an affair with Greg from sales" he told me.

I asked him "what makes you think that?

"Ah, well" he explained "Whenever my wife h...

My colleague was fired for stealing printer cartridges

He was caught magenta handed.

Killer Bear

In Czechoslovakia, a woman walks into a police station and reports that while walking in the woods she witnessed a bear attack a man and devour him. The police quickly form a search party to find and take care of the killer bear.

About an hour later they come across two bears together - a ma...

My colleagues wanted to do a team building activity, and someone suggested a ropes course.

A few folks were hesitant, but I'm happy to say everyone came. I've never experience such fantastic bondage.

I called a colleague inviting him to an orgy.

He asked how many people will be there. I said " if you and your wife come, there will be three of us."

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My colleague was being a real asshole the other day.

We had a costume contest and he definitely won the prize for "Most Obscene."

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Why I’m getting a divorce

I woke up the morning of my 43rd birthday. Expecting something similar to previous years, I freshened up and walked into the kitchen. To my surprise and disappointment, my wife did not acknowledge my birthday at all. Even my kids had forgotten and didn’t say anything. I little taken back. I complete...

Two lawyers were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries.

"I don't get it," said one. "She's an airhead - nothing going on upstairs."

"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."

I have a lift off a colleague to work everyday, and always feel ill when we go under bridges....

I think I must have carpool tunnel syndrome.

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My colleagues call me the pussy slayer...

I'm in charge of euthanising cats at the kennel.

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