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Rental Jokes

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock.

Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?

I just spent $600 on a limousine rental, and I just found out that doesn't include a driver.

Spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it.

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I got hit by a rental car on the way to work yesterday

Fucking Hertz.

A tourist climbed out of his rental car in downtown Washington, D.C. He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city’s other world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a store to buy himself a snack.

As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man standing on the sidewalk.
He said to him: “Listen, I’m going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?”

“What?” the man huffed. “Do you realize that I am a member of the United ...

Hot girl at prom

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually get...

My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

It's tough looking for a rental that allows pets

No one seems to have the right claws in the contract.

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A rental van ran over my foot today...

Fucking Hertz!

What does a prosthetic rental service do?

They lend a hand.

I slammed my hand in the door at the car rentals

It Hertz...

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

Why are rental cars so depressed all the time?

Because they're loners.

I am thinking about opening a dungeons and dragons themed vacation rental...

I’m going to call it Air D&D

I stay at a lot of different vacation rentals and never have a problem remembering where things are in their kitchens

It’s a mental dish order

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What did Ice Cube say when his Teletubbies rental expired?

Fuck the Po lease

I complained to my local video rental store because they only have one movie to rent.

They said, take IT or leave IT.

10 ants were applying for a joint rental application...

...They meet with the rental agent and are discussing details of the property. One of the ants says "so this ant next to me is Dave, we met in university - great guy. Sarah, Jack and Bobby over there I met through work at the ant hill two trees over, we used to go out leaf hunting together - so much...

Why was the mole’s rental fee so costly?

Because he burrowed and never returned

A guy took his girlfriend to prom.....

...He waits in the long ticket line but gets the tickets. Goes to rent a limo waits at the rental line for very long, but rented it. Went to buy flowers for his date, stands in a long line, finally he got the flowers.At prom, she asked him to go get some punch. He went to the refreshment table, and ...

4 buddies put in together for a joint rental application

They just wanted to pass it around and take a few hits, then give it back.

At a boat rental concession the manager spots a boat out on a lake and yells through his megaphone,"Number 99,come in please. Your time is up."

Several minutes pass but the boat doesn't return.

"Boat number 99," He again hollers, "Return to the dock immediately or I'll have to charge you over time."

"Something's wrong!We only have 75 boats."the manager pauses then raises his megaphone,"Boat number 66,are you okay?"

If you came across 10 kilos of cocaine in the back of a rental car, what would you do?

Cocaine

Did you hear about the rental boat that didn't allow dogs or women on board?

It was called the Cat-or-a-Man Catamaran.

A man was driving a rental car along a old mountain road in Eastern Europe at night when he started having engine problems

Unable to get a signal on his mobile phone, he saw a lit building not far off and made it there just as the car stalled. Getting out of the car, he knocked on the door. A monk in a brown habit opened the door.

"Good evening, brother!" greeted the monk. "What can I do for you?"
"I'm ver...

I prefer to buy rental properties that take up an entire city block or more.

I'm in it for the long hall.

Prom

Prom was approaching at Central High School, and Doug needed a date. He got the nerve up to ask a popular and pretty girl, Susan, to prom. To his surprise, she said "yes." He was so excited, he went to a tuxedo shop that day to secure his rental. There was a very long line, as many other boys were r...

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It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet...

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surp...

The penguin and the mechanic

A penguin is driving a rental car through Arizona when, suddenly, the air conditioner stops working. The penguin, frantic with the heat, swerves into the first car repair shop he sees.

Penguin jumps out yelling, "Quick, quick! Drop everything and fix my air conditioner. I'm literally dying...

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An Elderly British Couple Takes a Trip to Australia

After seeing the beaches and tourist attractions they decided to rent a car to go and see the Outback. They ask the man at the rental car counter if it's a pleasant drive, and he assures them that it is beautiful and they'll have a lovely time.

After several hours the couple storm into the r...

What's the difference between a movie rental machine and several prehistoric towns?

One is Redbox, the others are Bedrocks.

I had a chance to buy a couple of haunted houses and turn them into rental properties...

but I said no, because who wants to be the lessor of two evils?

A young boy finally works up the courage to ask a girl to prom...

She says yes, to his surprise and he starts to prepare to make the night as memorable as he can for the both of them.

First, he decides he needs to rent a tuxedo. He finds a local shop that does rentals, since he doesn't want to buy one. The line at the clothing store is almost out the door....

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Professor Stephen Hawking rolled into a fancy dress shop..

"Good morning." He said to the shopkeeper, in his famous robotic voice. "It's my science department's annual Dr Who fancy dress party tonight. Would you have a Tom Baker outfit for rental?"

"I'm sorry Mr Hawking." He replied. "I just rented the last one out yesterday."

"Oh dear." artif...

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"How can you watch porn but still claim you love only me?" My wife asked

" The same way I watch Formula 1 whole weekend but still happily drive my 2010 Toyota Camry everyday" I replied..

That satisfied her...

I just failed to mention I take rental at Enterprise when I go on business trips

When I was in high school, I had a crush on a girl, so I asked her to the prom. She said yes.

I wanted to impress her and make her feel special, so I went to the Limosine rental place. But because it was prom season, the Limosine rental place was really busy, so the limo line was long. But I waited and waited, and eventually I booked the limo.

Next, I wanted a suit. Suits look classy....

LAWYERS DON'T LIE

A lawyer had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.

When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children would destroy ...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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The best salesman in the world

The boy went into the mall to get a job. He told the management that he was the world's best salesman. They gave him a job as a seller, but expected profits from day one.

On Saturday evening the manager came down and asked how many customers he had served today. The boy said he had helped one...

A high school senior was preparing for his prom...

He knew that the first thing he needed was a tuxedo. So he went to get a rental.

But his town was very small, and there was only one tux rental place nearby. Therefore, when he arrived he had to wait for three of his classmates to pick out their rentals before he could get his. He waited in ...

What is the only car that can go 40 mph in reverse?

A rental

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The greatest day of my life was

When I found my dad's porn in the back of the attic.

The worst day of my life was when I found my mom's porn in the back of that video rental store.

Russian joke: a tourist gets pulled over by a cop in Russia.

Cop: You were speeding! I am going to confiscate your driver's license and I'm calling for a tow truck to take away your car.

Tourist: But I need to get to the airport and the car is a rental!

Cop: I dont care.

Tourist: Please, be be reasonable, you cant do this!

Cop: We...

Eye’m sorry

An eyeball was looking through a movie rental store

A mouth asked him, “Sir, are you going to buy any of these?”

The eyeball replied, “Eye Brows”

A man in the desert rents out a camel to ride on.

The rental guy asks, “Have you ever ridden one of these?”

The man replies, “No.”

“It’s simple. If you say Woah, it will walk. If you say Woah Woah, it will run. If you say Woah Woah Woah, it will run so fast you have to pray to god to stop.”

The man hops on the camel and says “W...

A kid in high school really likes this girl and finally gets the courage to ask her to prom.

To his surprise and delight, she says yes. He wants to make this night very special so he decides to get a tuxedo, a limo, and really nice flowers. First, he goes to the tux rental store and sees there is a line, but he waits and finally gets the perfect fit. Next he goes to the car rental store and...

WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs

… as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in.

BREAKING NEWS!

Man gets hit by a rental car.

Says, “It Hertz.”

At the airport check-in counter

At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband.

The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them for sitting together.

"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this ...

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An Eskimo goes to New Zealand on a holiday

He hires a car to drive around but barely 100km into the journey his car breaks down ,he gets it towed to a mechanic on advice from the rental place, the mechanic pops the hood and says
“I see your problem here looks like you’ve blown a seal”, and the Eskimo replies angrily “at least I don’t fuc...

Me and my buddies go-to joke.

A high school senior is in a rush to get everything he needs ready for his high school prom the next day. First thing he needs to get is a tuxedo. He goes to the tux shop and there's a huge line. So he waits in the line, gets his tux, and goes on his way. The next thing he needs are flowers for his ...

A Guy and his Girlfriend

A guy was taking his girlfriend to prom. Getting ready, he went to a tux rental shop. There was a huge line but he eventually got his tuxedo.

He then went to the florist. Again, there was a huge line, but he got the orchid in the end.

Then he went to the limo rental place, and there w...

A boy asks a girl to the prom and she says yes.

He goes to organise a limo at the rental limo place and due to everyone else wanting a limo for the prom he has to wait in line for ages to get one.

He then goes to the flower store to buy her some flowers but again everyone is there buying flowers and he's stuck in line for seems like hours....

A Southern Sheriff is driving down a secluded section of highway

when he sees what looks like a naked man peeing on a tree. He pulls over and walks up to the man and realizes he is tied to the tree.

The man smiles broadly and says,. "Oh thank God you showed up. You wouldn't believe the day I'm having. First my alarm clock didn't go off so I woke up late...

The unusual camel

A man is walking through the desert. He's been lost for a while and he's kinda losing hope.

Behind a sand dune he sees what looks like a camel rental shop. Clearly a mirage.. or is it?

It doesn't disappear as he gets closer so he enters the main tent and is greeted by the owner.
...

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What do you call an Asian Prostitute?

An Ori-Rental.

Prom

You remember prom, you know how it works. You have the 3 essentials: the tux, the corsage, and the limo.

Obviously I’m late to getting a date so everything I’m getting is last minute about a week before the big day.

I go to stop number 1, the tux shop. I pull up and I see this huge li...

I got in an argument with a bowler

I got in an argument with a bowler about who's life is harder, and he told me that I should walk a mile in his shoes.

I told him he wears those rental shoes, I'm sure I have.

So I’m about to go to prom with the girl of my dreams.

On the day before the dance I went to the flower store to buy her flowers. The line getting into the store was sooooo long, but I waited to get flowers anyway.

Later that day I went to the limo rental store to rent a limousine for the dance. The line getting into the store was soooooo long, b...

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Shaun is a tourist visiting a small town in the Arabian desert.

He stops into a shop one day and when he's finished, he finds that his camel is missing its legs. Shocked, he approaches a bystander and asks if he saw who took his camel's legs. The bystander squints at him, looks at the camel, and says to Shaun "ah, that would have been the Camel Leg Thief, you ca...

Ooooh it's ever so sad

At a boat rental company, the radio operator said into the microphone: "boat 99, your hour is up, please head in."
An employee walks up to him and says: "We only have 75 boats, sir there is no boat 99."
The radio operator says: "Boat 66, are you in trouble?"

A joke I heard (it sucks but I still can tell it with a straight face)

So a high schooler needs to get ready for prom, he needs a tux to look good, some flowers to impress his girl, and a limo to bring it all together.

So he goes to the tuxedo rental shop and to his surprise there is a huge line. He gets in line and waits for hours and hours. Finally he gets hi...

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Sightseeing with a Camel

Two guys from some indeterminate country come to NYC to sightsee. They find that there are no rental cars available. A fairly shady guy offers to rent them a camel to see the sights. Needless to say they were suspicious.

They guy says " The camel knows all the things you'd want to see. Just...

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Prom Night Date

Johnny, a senior in a stereotypical highschool, has a huge crush on a girl named Sally, who is in his 5th period World History.


Johnny wanted to capitalize on the upcoming prom to ask out Sally, so Johnny waited in line for two tickets to prom. Johnny tried to arrive early, but the line w...

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