Why didn't Richard Nixon prepare his own food?

Because he's not a cook.

What is the difference between Washington, Nixon and Trump?

George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.

Richard Nixon couldn’t tell the truth.

Donald Trump can’t tell the difference

Breznev and Nixon make a bet:

Breznev says: "In 2000 the entire world will be communist." Richard say he'd match that bet and predicts that the world would be entirely capitalist by 2000. They deep-freeze themselves.

In 2000 they are unfrozen. They go to a short wave and tune into "Voice of America": "... The central com...

Another Soviet joke

Nixon is visiting Brezhnev. Brezhnev shows off the newest Soviet technology: a payphone that can call hell. So Nixon puts in a quarter and calls hell, talks to the devil Then he returns to the US and is told that the US als has this technology but it costs $1000 per phone call. He gets angry and as...

In the 1970s, as manager of Baskin Robbins', my mom was tasked to create new flavors related to Richard Nixon...

Her choices, as she told me, were 'ImPeachments & Cream' and 'Watermelon-Gate' (as a sorbet).



Both were denied.

This is actually true.

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George Bush dies and goes to hell

Satan is already waiting for him.

'Well, I don't know what to do. See, you're on my list, but I have no free rooms for you. But you, you definitely have to stay in hell, so I'll have to find a solution. There are a few people here who aren't as bad as you are... I guess I'll let one go and yo...

What do you call it when Richard Nixon hides the toothpaste?

Colgate

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

Comparing Nixon to Trump isn't fair...

It's apples and orange.

Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton are all on the Titanic

As the Titanic begins sinking, Jimmy Carter yells “quick, save the women and children.”

Nixon yells back: “screw the women and children!”

Bill Clinton says: “I don’t think we have time for that.”

What did Richard Nixon say when he bumped into Gerald Ford?

Pardon me.

With Nixon tattooed on Roger Stone's back...

Inmates will soon get to see a criminal and a liar no matter which side of him they're facing

Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford pass each other in the hallway (Oldie but a goodie)

Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford pass each other in the hallway. Nixon bumps into Ford's shoulder. Embarrassed, Nixon turns to Ford and says "Pardon me!"

And so he did.

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Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon, and Jack Kennedy were on a sinking boat

"Keep calm and save the women and children first!", Jimmy Carter exclaimed.
"We're former presidents, fuck the women and children!", Nixon replied.
Robert Kennedy looked around at the madness and replied,
"I don't think we have time!"

Joke Archeology -- who's heard an older version of this often recycled joke?

I heard this one the first time back in the early 70's.

Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger were giving a young hippie hitchhiker a ride home in Air Force One from the Camp David Area, they started having engine trouble, unfortunately there were only four parachutes and the drafted pilots ju...

Donal Trump dies and goes to hell. When he arrives at the door, the devil said “I don’t know what to tell you. You’re on the list, but there’s no room left. However, there’s three people in here who all were better than you, so, here’s what I’ll do:

I’ll show you the three people, and their punishment, and I’ll let you choose which punishment you get. So, the devil opens one door, and Donald looks in. The was Richard Nixon, who dove into a pool of water, then after a few seconds, surfaced with nothing. Donald Trump said “I definitely can’t do t...

What did Richard Nixon say after he tried to make dinner at the White House for the first time?

I am not a cook

Nixon: "I bet you can't run a more scandal-ridden presidency than me"

"Hold my beer"

"Sure.. Wait this isnt beer"

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January 1974, morning: Nixon looks out onto the South Lawn of the White House. In the freshly fallen snow, someone has written in piss: "Fuck Nixon".

Nixon calls in William Colby from the CIA to investigate. After a couple of days, Colby calls Nixon with the results of the CIA's investigation. "Dick, I have bad news and worse news."

"Oh, Jesus, Bill, what do you mean?"

"Well, we took urine samples of everyone who has access to the ...

You know what Nixon did wrong?

He only broke into the watergate hotel once. He should have done it everyday. Then it would have been normal. Yes, you got it, jokes on you.

Richard Nixon makes a really awful dinner for his wife.

He defends himself by saying "I am not a cook".

Trump marched into the white house

When trump became president obama was waiting for him at the white house.

Ob:Trump! You have to run around the entire white house while I time you, we have a little leaderboard said obama.

Dt:Ok, im fast, the fastest. When i run you cant even see me trust me! Replied trump, incidentall...

A guy got brought up to Insane Asylum and Docor asked him for his name...

Doctor: Your name, please?

Patient: I am John F Kennedy

Doctor: That's very nice, we got lots of politicians here, Ambraham Lincoln, Richard Nixon, George Washington...

Patient: No, Doc. I'm the airport.

Trump dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he is greeted by the devil.

The devil says that there are 3 other people here that have done less bad than Trump, so Trump gets to decide which one goes to heaven so he can take their place.

The devil opens 3 doors, the first door has Richard Nixon in it. Nixon is swim...

What is the difference between the War on Drugs and a cow?

You can't milk a cow for 50 years. (Nixon declared it in 1971)

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Trump dies and goes to Hell

Upon arrival the Devil tells Trump he can choose one of three punishments set before him. Trump agrees.

So the Devil and Trump go to see Nixon swimming endless laps in a pool. Satan asks Trump if this will suit him. Trump says no I can't swim forever.

So they continue on. The secon...

Garden of Eden

It was the day of the judgement and God was really happy with what USA has done in its short time on earth. In fact God was so happy that it decided to allow all the presidents and first ladies in the garden of Eden for eternal happiness.

And so one by all presidents and first ladies present ...

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Donald Trump dies and when he gets to hell he sees the Devil

The Devil says to him, "Donald we've been expecting you. Unfortunately we are full right now and don't have room for you. But if you want I'll show you three rooms I could make available to you."

Trump agrees and the Devil opens the door to the first room and they see Richard Nixon endlessly...

When Gerald Ford died, he was quite shocked to find himself in hell.

Being upset about this, he found Satan, and confronted him.

"I don't understand why I'm here. I served my Country in an honest and honorable manner, never missed Church, saved Betty from her addiction, and I can't think of a single thing I could have done to deserve going to hell."

Be...

Trump Keeps claiming that climate change is a hoax and that his administration has done the most for global warming, and that the USA is getting colder

But that’s because he doesn’t understand what the media means when they say:

“Donald Trump is the most **Polarizing** President America has had since Nixon.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy sits in class watching the clock when the teacher stands up in front of the class

And tells the class since there isn't much time before the end of class and it was Friday she will play a game with them. She explains the rules.

Teacher: Guess which president said the quote and you can leave early.

The boy is excited this is his favorite subject and he knows he is go...

Clinton on the Titanic

Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.

The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.

Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.

Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."

Nixon goes: "Screw the women!"

Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time!?"

A man walks into a t-shirt store...

There are 3 shirts on display.

The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled "Got Milk."

The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled "Forgot Milk."

The third tee shirt has a picture of M...

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Trump snuffs it, and arrives at the Pearly Gates

they issue him with a Redirect Notice, and he is sent to the not-so-pearly ones.
The Devil looks at his clipboard irritably.
“Look, I’ve got a problem. You’re due here about now, but I’m full. I’ll have to ID one of the temporary inmates, whose sentence is just about up, and give them an ...

Fidel Castro and 11 Presidents

Fidel Castro survived 11
Presidents of the United States

-Eisenhower

-Kennedy

-Johnson

-Nixon

-Ford

-Carter

-Reagan

-Bush

-Clinton

-GW Bush

-Obama

But he couldn't take 15 days of Trump

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President Trump looked out the Oval Office window one winter morning -- and called in the FBI

The President was *furious* because someone had written "Fuck Trump" in yellow snow. "I want to know what loser did that, pronto!"

A few hours later, the FBI presented the results of their investigation. "Mr. President, the urine is Steve Bannon's, -- and the hand-writing is Melania's."
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of the papal visit, I submit the worst, longest, most tortuous pope joke I know.

It's 1969.

China and the Soviet Union are on the brink of open hostilities. The war would kill us all. And only the pope can save the day.

Well, so thinks Richard Nixon.

See, he'd been up all night watching *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, and it was such a harrowing vision that he...

Gerald Ford goes to hell

When Gerald Ford died, he found himself in hell, which puzzled him greatly.

"How is it that I'm in hell?" He wondered, "I was a good Christian, I was faithful to my wife and country, never stole, lied or cheated...yet here I am."

While he was pondering this, he felt a tap on his should...

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