UPJOKE
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What did they find in Jeffrey Dahmer’s shower?

Head & shoulders

Jeffrey Dahmer's trial...

Dahmer's lawyer speaks up:
"Your honor, if you are what you eat, then my client is an innocent man!"

Jeffrey Dahmer’s mother was over for a visit having dinner.

She says “you know Jeffrey, I really don’t like your friends.”

He just shrugs & says “well just eat the vegetables then.”

Jeffrey Dahmer was hosting Thanksgiving dinner

His mother leans over to him and whispers, "I really don't like your neighbors."

So Jeffrey whispers back, "that's OK, just push them to the side and eat your vegetables."

(I haven't told this joke since JD went to jail)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the psychotherapist ask his suicidal patient to change his name to „Jeffrey Epstein“?

To make sure he doesn‘t kill himself.

Who eats Five Guys for breakfast, lunch, and dinner?

Jeffrey Dahmer.

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning

Imagine how surprised he must have been.

What do Jeffrey Dahmer and Travis Scott have in common?

Ate dead people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Gates was invited to Jeffrey Epstein’s private island.

After arrival Bill Gates was shown to a room with a rather young looking masseuse. The girl instructed Bill Gates to disrobe for a massage and one thing lead to another and they ended up having sex. Afterwards the masseuse said “I always wondered why you called your company Microsoft but now I know”

Where did Jeffrey Epstein go to college?

Brigham Young

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?

They don’t hang themselves.

Happy Halloween

Did you hear that Bill Clinton got on Jeffrey Epstein's plane 25 times......

and got off 50 times.

There was a serial killer who killed more people than Jeffrey Dahmer and never got caught

His name was Jeffrey Smahter

Why did Jeffrey Epstein kill himself?

Because he had low self Epstein.

It’s clear that Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell had a deep bond.

Even with one of them dead, they’re still finishing each other’s sentences.

Jeffrey and Hillary were both patients at a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jeffrey suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Hillary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jeffrey out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Hillary's ...

I'm dating myself with this one

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?


You're not going to just throw that away are you?

Why did Jeffrey Epstein's English teacher fail him?

Because he never finished his sentences...

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Bernie Sanders, Bill Clinton and Jeffrey Epstein walk into a bar

Hillary Clinton: "This is the worst game of fuck, marry, kill I've ever played."

Jeffrey Dahmer and Armie Hammer are eating Ronald McDonald

Armie asks, "does this taste funny to you?" Jeffrey responds, "I think it's ginger."

What did Jeffrey Dahmer call the guy that ran from him?

Fast food.

Michael Jackson and Jeffrey Epstein walk into a bar...

...and walk right out because it's 18+

Why was CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin jacking off on a Zoom call?

Because last month they switched over from WebEx.

One of the last things Jeffrey Epstein said to the guards was - "high five!"

But they just left him hanging

What were Jeffrey Epstein's last words?

But I dont want to commit suicide

If you are surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide

Imagine how surprised he must have been

I heard that Jeffrey Epstein never wanted to be rich and famous.

All he ever wanted was to settle down and have kids.

I’m gonna dress up as Jeffrey Epstein for Halloween and crash some parties

I just really don’t wanna hang by myself

I met Jeffrey Epstein once. It was only a brief interaction, but I can recall that I offered him some cheddar cheese and he didn't like it.

I think it was too mature for him.

What do you call reports that Jeffrey Epstein didn’t actually hang himself but instead was murdered?

Fake noose.

How did CNN react to Jeffrey Epstein's death?

Fake noose!

I've decided to become a professional Jeffrey Epstein impersonator, don't try to talk me out of it!

I know it is career suicide.

Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his front porch?

So he could greet visitors with a handshake.

BREAKING : Prison guard responsible for watching Jeffrey Epstein killed in tragic house fire

Time of death was 11:26am, tomorrow.

Why is Jeffrey Epstein bad at races?

He always comes in a little behind

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Qasem Soleimani have in common?

Neither killed themselves

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jeffrey Epstein may be going to Hell...

But he still got his 72 virgins.

Jeffrey Toobin wanted to sue over his CNN suspension

But his lawyers said it would not stand up in court.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm surprised Jeffrey Epstein's victims weren't more suspicious of his co-conspirator.

I mean, if someone told me I had to go to Jizz Lane to get $200, I'd be a little more reluctant.

Jeffrey Dahmer walks into his local used furniture store with a sofa.

"It might have some stains." He mutters sheepishly.
"Come again?" Inquires the hard of hearing store manager.
"Some blood as well this time."

Why would Jeffrey Epstein make a bad musician?

Because he would spend all day fingering A Minor

How do you know when its time for bed in Jeffrey Epstine house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

Alan Dershowitz has defended O.J. Simpson, Jeffrey Epstein, and Donald Trump

The stabber, the nabber, and the grabber

What's the difference between Jeffrey Epstein and Christmas ornaments?

The ornaments can be rehung again next year.

What is Jeffrey Epstein’s favorite killstreak in Call of Duty?

The Predator Missile.

What's the difference between Jeffrey Epstein and a Whiskey Connoisseur?

Only one thinks it gets better with age.

Why did Jeffrey Epstein love Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven?

...Cause it's in A minor.

I must say I'm shocked by Jeffrey Epstein's suicide.

How did he get the noose around his chin?

Jeffrey Epstein plays mmo for...

Sui side quests.

Remembering the life of Jeffrey Epstein...

He touched so many. He will surely be missed.

Jeffrey Epstein went to hell

Jeffrey Epstein went to hell after his death and met the devil who told him what his punishment is going to be.

"You see these people lined up with boxing gloves? You will be made to spread your legs so that they can hit you below the belt. I am surprised many have volunteered. You must have ...

Jeffrey Epstein dies and goes to Hell.

Satan sees him at the gates.

Satan yells "Hey Jeff, how's it hanging?"

Ted Bundy asks Jeffrey Dahmer you got any ice cream in the freezer?

Nah, just Ben and Jerry Jeffrey replies.

Jeffrey Epstein and Donald Trump see a cute 14 year old girl

Epstein: I’d love to screw her.
Trump: Out of what?

What was Jeffrey Epstein humming before dying?

"All the right moves", One Republic

A news story had been reported about Jeffrey Dahmer after his capture about what was found in his shower... did you hear what they found!?

Head[s] and shoulders.

What was Jeffrey Epstein's Minecraft Server called?

Miner's Welcome.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know Jeffrey Epstein converted to Islam?

He was promised 72 virgins in the afterlife and he just couldn’t wait.

How are Jeffrey dahmer and mr potato head similar

They keep body parts in there trunk

Honestly, I found what happened to Jeffrey Epstein really sad...

So many powerful friends that could have helped and, instead, they all let him hang out to die.

What were Jeffrey Epstein's last words?

"The encryption codes are hidden behind the Dali painting in the guest bathroom. Hey, I told you what you wan...."

The GP calls Jeffrey into his office.

Jeffrey says: ‘I slept with my girlfriend’s sister and I’m afraid I have an STD.’

‘Don’t worry’ says the doctor ‘we all make mistakes.’

Yeah I know but that’s not the biggest problem, I think I passed on to my girlfriend.’

‘Dammit so now we all have it!!’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am currently investigating a possible link between Jeffrey Epstein and Osama Bin Ladin.

I mean where else would Bin Laden get the 72 virgins he was always talking about?

Whats Jared from Subway and Jeffrey Epstein’s favorite song?

Pretty Young Thing (P.Y.T.) - Michael Jackson

Jeffrey Dahmer once sent me a dinner invitation

But the offer was a me steak.

Say what you will about Jeffrey Epstein,

he always drove slower than the speed limit around schools.

What is your most inappropriate, sickest comment on Jeffrey Epstein?

*He died just the way he liked his girls, gagging.*

Attorney General Barr released a summary of Jeffrey Epstein's autopsy findings...

They found no evidence of contusion.

Why does Jeffrey Epstein only date 23 year olds

Because there's 20 of them.

How do you get Jeffrey Epstein to install a light bulb?

Tell him it's 12yo and he will screw it.

Netflix tried to get the Jeffrey Dahmer tapes...

...but it was going to cost them an arm *and* a leg.

Jeffrey Dahmer didn't like Tic Tacs or gum.

He preferred men toes.

What's the difference between a pilot and Jeffrey Dahmer?

Jeffrey Dahmer doesn't eat every leg.

You know one the main reasons Jeffrey Dahmer got caught was because his freezer stopped working and the smell became so bad the neighbors were complaining.

The cops came to his door and said "We heard you were keeping a bunch of spoiled brats in here"

What is Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite fruit?

Chopped Dates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer was a smoker...

They found a pile of butts behind his couch.

Hillary Clinton is giving a lesson about the world at a gifted-student primary school in New York

After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenny," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks.

"I have four questions," he says. "First -- what happened in Benghazi? Second -...

What did Jeffrey Dahmer sing as he went to the refrigerator?

My Bologna had a first name.

Bill Cosby walks out of prison...

..and gets on a bus, and rides it to a long rock wall. Next to a big oak, he finds a letter.

He follows it to Mexico, where he finds Jeffrey Epstein working on his boat.

Why did Jeffrey Dahmer move to a larger apartment?

He needed more leg room.

How did Jeffrey Dahmer make alphabet soup?

With 26 characters he met at a party.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jeffrey vs. Clown (long)

Jeffrey is a young man growing up in a small, mid-century town. He's a sensitive, bookish type, but overall Jeffrey is a nice guy with a good heart. One day, the circus comes to town. Having nothing else to do (as there was no internet or video games in that time), Jeffrey decides to buy a ticket....

Jeffrey Dahmer and his mom are having dinner.

Jeffey's mom looks over at him and says "Jeff I don't like your friends". Jeffery then replies "You can eat the potatoes".

Jeffrey Dahmer was HOT.

He had the body of a much younger man.

Why was Jeffrey Dahmer so healthy?

Because he ate five fruits a day!

What does Jeffrey Dahmer and Peewee Herman have in common?

They were both caught with hands in their drawers.

Jeffery Dahmer visits his optometrist.

Doc says, ”you should never rub your eyes”.

Jeffrey contemplates.

A 15 year old boy turns 16 tomorrow.

He asks his mom for a brand new car so he can drive around, but his mon tells him that if he wants his own car, he'd have to work for it and get it himself.

The mom leaves for work the next morning, and when she comes back that night she sees all the street lights in her cul-de-sac covered in...

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