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2 married ladies are having lunch in a coffee shop...

One lady whispers 'I'm getting a boob job'


2nd lady: 'That's nothing, I'm getting my assh\*le bleached'


1st lady says: 'Really? I can't imagine your husband as a blonde'

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3 pregnant ladies in a coffee shop

So a blonde, a brunette and a redhead are sitting in a coffee shop talking about their pregnancies.

The brunette says to the other 2 that I heard if you have sex on top, your more likely to have a boy

The redhead say oh that must mean I’m likely to have a girl

There was a pause ...

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the coffee shop...

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What?...

A man walks into a coffee shop

Cashier: Congratulations! You are our 10,000th customer. Enjoy this complimentary bagel.

Man: Gee, thanks!

Cashier: That will be £2.50 please. Cash or card?

Man: I thought you said it was complimentary...

Bagel: You have a beautiful smile

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A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop one afternoon discussing who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to philosophy.

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the G...

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A man walks into a coffee shop

And orders a shot of espresso with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top. When he receives his order, he's dismayed to find only a shot of espresso.

"Hey!" he asks the barista, "why didn't you add the ice cream?"

"Sorry sir" he says, "affagato."

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A Russian Jew goes into a coffee shop after the fall of the Soviet Union

“Excuse me, waiter, please bring me the most recent edition of Pravda” he asks.

The waiter replies “I’m sorry sir, but the Soviet Union has fallen and Pravda is no longer published”

“Very well, please bring me a coffee then”.

The next day, the Jew comes in again, and again ask...

I'm starting up a local coffee shop and marketing it as an Ashley Madison meetup spot.

I'm calling it Grounds for Divorce.

What's common between a sperm bank and a coffee shop?

you can get a Cup o' Joe at both places.

Due to social distancing, only six of the seven dwarfs can meet at their favorite coffee shop.

One of them isn't Happy.

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Two friends are sitting in a coffee shop.

One glances up and sees an Asian man sitting at a table nearby and says to his buddy, "I reckon that's a Japanese man over there. With his business suit and laptop."

"Hmmm, I think they're Chinese. His ponytail and long mustache gives it away." Replied his friend.

Luckily a third frien...

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

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[NSFW] How is sex like a coffee shop?

The whip costs extra, but it's totally worth it.

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Two doctors are in a coffee shop having breakfast.

When they look out the window and see a man walking down the street very bow legged and almost on his tip toes.

Trying to decipher his condition, the first Doctor says "there's a typical case of severe arthritis in both knees"

The second Doctor objects and claims "it's obviously a fail...

Coffee Shop Talk

Two women were sitting around talking about the men in their life. Once said, "...men are all alike!"

The other said, "...men are all I like too!"

A guy walks into a coffee shop

He goes the counter and asks, “So what’s the special?”

The barista shakes her head, “I can’t tell you, it’s a secret.”

The man frowns. “What do you mean it’s a secret? What’s the special today? Is it a latte?”

The barista shakes her head.

“A mocha?”

She shakes her...

The Man In Black was talking to an Alien in a coffee shop.

He asks, "what kind of currency does Space use?"
The Alien points to the cup of coffee and said, "Starbucks"

A chemist wants to open up a coffee shop

When the FDA comes to check his facility, they ask about his coffee recipe. He says, "I'm not like these other coffee shops. My coffee is made using pure science!

One part carbon monoxide and 2 parts iron."

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Coffee Shop

I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to pass gas.

The place was packed, but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my butt trumpet to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I...

A drunken man walks onto a coffee shop

- Do you have iced coffee?
- No sir. We don't.
- Ok then, says the drunken man.

Then he gets on his way. 15min later he comes again.

- Do you have iced coffee?
- No sir. We don't. I told you before.
- Sorry about that, says the drunken man.

Then he gets on his way. ...

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A black man from the USA, 200 cm tall, enters a coffee shop in Ukraine.

He sits down and orders a whiskey. An Ukrainian, 210 cm tall, enters the tavern, sits across the American and orders vodka.

The American, wanting to look superior, takes his whiskey and drinks it all at once.

So then the Ukrainian wanted to show that he can do it too, so he takes his v...

I’m opening a coffee shop and adult novelty store.

I can’t wait until the next Friday when ‘Ground and Flicked beans’ finally opens to the general public.

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Why do you always need a jew in a coffee shop?

Cause hebrews the coffee

I went to a fancy new coffee shop today and ordered a cup

I took a sip and it tasted awful.

“This coffee tastes like mud!”

The barista replied, “well, it’s fresh ground”

There is a Jewish man that works at a local coffee shop near me...

...Hebrews better than anyone else in my town.

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

A woman walks into a coffee shop and sees a person with a tiny man a tiny piano and a tiny stool

The woman asks the man where did you get that, and the man replys saying that there is a genie out back. The woman decides to check for the genie, while she's walking to the back she's thinking about what she will wish for and decides she will wish for 100 bucks. When she gets to the back she wishes...

A mexican walks into a french coffee shop

barista: How would you like your coffee?

mexican: Au lait

Descartes is sitting in a coffee shop.

He is drinking coffee and writing his philisophical thoughts. When he finishes his coffee the waitress asks him if he would like some more and he replies "I think so". He sits there for another half hour when he finishes his new cup of coffee. The waitress comes again to asks him if he would like an...

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When I was out today, I saw a phone on the table outside a coffee shop that had been left there, so I pocketed it. It started to ring....

I took it out of my pocket and the caller I.D. said 'Mom'.

I put it back on the table and slowly backed away.

How the fuck did she know I was up to no good?

I was working at a coffee shop, and a priest asked if I have any whole milk

I said "forgive me father, for I have skim"

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A Muslim, a Christian, a Jew, and an atheist go to a coffee shop

A Muslim, a Christian, a Jew and an atheist go to a coffee shop ... and they communicate, have fun, drink coffee, and become good friends. This is what happens when people are not assholes.

A women stopped me in the coffee shop the other day claiming she met me through a vegetarian-only dating website...

but I had never met herbivore.

A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.

Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. “You kids don’t know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn’t afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light.”

Every day a man goes into a coffee shop. Everyday he orders the same drink from the same barista and pays exactly 5 dollars . He always sits in the same seat, finishes the drink and leaves.

One day he orders the same drink from the same barista and extends the 5 dollar bill. The barista informs the man, “sir, I’m sorry but we’ve raised the price to $5.25.” The man hesitantly takes out another dollar and hands it to the lady. She tries to hand him back the extra .75 cents but he refuses...

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Little Johnny walk into a coffee shop

And asks the attractive young server for a coffee. When she brings it out he looks at her, points to the coffee and says, "Maam, please p-i-s-s", spelling out the last word.

Offended at this, the server asks him to leave. While walking out he turns around and says "Bye c-u-n-t", again spellin...

Jean-Paul Sartre goes into a coffee shop

He says to the waitress “May I get a coffee with no cream?” The waitress says “ I’m sorry, Mr. Sartre, we’re all out of cream. Would you like one with no milk?”

If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say “freelance” in an independent coffee shop...

I have no idea how much money I would have, but it would definitely be more than a freelancer.

A guy walks into a coffee shop

He orders a coffee. The barista asks him if he'd like milk or cream. He responds "I'm allergic to the protein in milk." The barista replies "No whey?"

When born, Arnold Schwarzenegger got a job serving spaghetti for a local coffee shop.

He was known as the pasta barista baby.

What do you call a progressive coffee shop?

Stay Woke

My brother and I were hanging out in a super trendy coffee shop when he farted, and suddenly a melee broke out.

All the hipsters started fighting over who heard it first.

A camel Goes into the coffee shop

The barista, about to add the sugar asks, "one lump or two?"

An old man walks into a coffee shop

He approaches the counter and notices a young teen playing on his phone. Without looking, the teen says:

"How can I help you?"

Old man: "I'll take a small coffee please"

Teen without looking:

"That'll be $0.75 cents please.

The old man annoyed at the teen digs into...

What are coffee shops in Russia called?

Tsarbucks.

What is the difference between a coffee shop and a brothel?

My girlfriend never asks for a large black at the coffee shop.

Why did the cops hang out at the coffee shop?

In case somebody got mugged.

I visited a coffee shop where the password was "wedonthavewifi".

It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.

A group wearing tuxedos were sat down in a coffee shop, when a car suddenly smashed through the shop front.

Thankfully there were no casual teas

A man walks into a Coffee Shop

And orders an espresso. While drinking it, a massively scarred Norwegian dude stumbles in the bar.
"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his espresso.
"There's a Chupacabra 10km east from here." The Norwegian dude rasps before dying.
So the Man gets on his tricycle and travels 10km east...

I wanted to chat-up the girl serving in the coffee shop, so I looked at her name badge and said:

"That's a beautiful name... Trainee"

A Protestant minister, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were in a coffee shop arguing about whose religion is the best

A protestant minister, a Catholic Priest, and a Rabbi were in a coffee shop arguing about whose religion is best. After hours of arguing, they agree to go into the woods and convert a bear. They would meet up in next week to see who won.

THe next week, the Priest comes in to the coffee shop w...

A hipster coffee shop would be a terrible idea.

Everyone would burn their tongues because they would drink the coffee before it was cool.

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What do a coffee shop and a Japanese castle siege have in common?

Baristas

My coffee shop in Tokyo hasn't had many customers in the last couple of months...

It's ok now though, people are starting to drift in.

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My boyfriend and I checked out a new coffee shop in town...

I asked him how his coffee was.

"It's like making love in a canoe."

"That good?" I asked

"No. It's fucking close to water."

I decided to go to a coffee shop today

The barista behind the counter said that I should try a new but expensive brew of coffee. It was $9 but I decided to try it. I took a sip of the beverage, and almost instantly spat it out.


"Wha... This tastes like mud!" I shouted at the barista.


He turned and smiled. "It shou...

I quit my job as a coffee shop manager

The daily grind was just too much

A man walks into a coffee shop...

A man walks into a coffee shop and asks

"I'll have a ztsherkmflurgchtrokzykk with two sugars."

Surprised, the barista answers:

"A ztsherkmflurgchtrokzykk with two *what*?!"

comes into a coffee shop...

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: “I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights”

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, “This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights. What does he think, this is an a...

A man wakes up at 2:22 sharp and gets dressed.

He goes down to the coffee shop and his order comes to $2.22. He finds $2 on his windshield and arrives to work in exactly 2 minutes. “All these 2s” he thinks “ maybe it could mean something”

So he goes down to the hound racing at bets all his savings, his house and his car on #2 and watches ...

An Italian man with spells of amnesia goes into a boutique coffee shop...

The barista asked what he wants, and he replies "Affogato".

Why Can’t Coffee Shops Spell Correctly?

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.

Earlier today at a coffee shop, I spilled my drink all over the paper I was working on.

The barista looked over and said, "Well, essay chai tea happens."

A priests a Rabbi and a Minister are in a coffee shop...

...They start comparing the powers of their religion. They decide to test themselves by agreeing that they will all go into the woods to convert a bear and meet back in a week. A week passes and the priest and minister arrive first. The priest says that he converted a bear by showing him the miracle...

What did the coffee shop owner's wife say when she discovered he wasn't using Free Trade beans?

"That's grounds for divorce!"

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A morbidly obese man

visits his doctor.

“Doc,” he says, “I can’t stand being this fat anymore. Please help.”

“Alright, let’s get to work”, replies the doctor. After many months of diet and exercise, the man winds up loosing hundreds of pounds. An unfortunate side effect though is that he has all this loos...

Mark is 5 feet, 6 inches tall

Mark likes dating taller women.

So, Mark was so excited to find a girl on a dating site who's bio said that she is 5 feet, 10 inches tall.

He was even more excited to see that her bio said that she likes dating shorter guys.

Mark chats with this girl for a while, and they eventu...

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

Alabama boy goes to Boston for an interview

He had gone to the University of Alabama on a football scholarship and maybe took a few too many hits to the helmet.

He stopped in a coffee shop before heading to the interview and saw a pretty girl sitting at a table with a few college books. He got his drink and approached her.

In a ...

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A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends

A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends. They have this tradition of meeting up at a certain coffee shop and talking about this and that while they eat their collective favorite desert; cherry pie.

One day, as the friends are enjoying their cherry pie, the topic of who’s religio...

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Timmy wakes up in the morning.....

And he feels great! He then gets ready for work and, on the way, he goes to a coffee shop.
The barista tells him: "are you ok? You look terrible".

He replies, "really? But I feel great!" He then continues to work.

He arrives, and his boss asks him, "Are you ok? You look terrible".<...

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

A man woke up on a sunny day

He looked at his alarmclock, it said 7:07
When he walked downstairs he looked at his calander, it was the seventh day of the seventh month
As he arrived at the bus stop he took bus 7
On his walk from the second bus stop to his work he ordered a coffee and a donut from the nearby coffee shop...

A cat walks in a coffee bar

A cat walks in a coffee bar. She goes straight to the bartender and with a very normal human voice ask for a long black coffee. The bartender is amazed and reply: “You are talking ?? Never saw a talking cat !...” . “Well, indeed, never been in this coffee shop before” the cat answered.

Barte...

The smartest detective in the world was brought in to help solve a terrible crime...

"We have a lot of suspects, sir," said the officer. "Why don't you tell me about them?" asks the detective.

"Well first, we found this guy hiding in the bushes." - "It wasn't Russell," replies the detective.

"How about the wife of this hippie?" - "Mississippi? Not her."

"We got...

Sam and his wife

Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, "Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was ...

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met.

They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke. After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, "Remember the ...

A girl named Sophie was walking down the street when she noticed a snail.

She stopped to look at the snail, but the snail started to speak. She was frightened at first but after a little conversation she calmed down. She started to like the snail and asked if he wanted to go back to her house. There they really started to connect. After a few hours, the snail asked her to...

A blonde was recently hired at our office.

A blonde was recently hired at our office.
Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this...

A man his talking to his friend

A man and his friend are in a coffee shop talking about just whatever when his friend looked up at him said, "If I'm ever hanged at the gallows I hope they put a horse in front of me."

The man then , obviously confused, asks "Why?"

Then after a small null in the conversation his looks ...

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My friend was taking the piss out of me today because I apparently don't understand what irony is.

Which is ironic because we were sat in a coffee shop at the time...

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TIL about Kopi Luwak, an expensive coffee made from partially digested coffee cherries defecated by the Asian palm civet.

Imagine the barista's face when you go to the coffee shop then ask for a crappuccino.

What to do if you found out you Facebook date is ugly

So a guy named Jack was talking to a girl on facebook for a long time, and decided they should meet at a coffee shop or something. Neither one of them knows how other one looks like, so the girl told him what she will be wearing for the meeting, and the guy told her that he will be drinking orange j...

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Ending a sentence with a preposition.

A snobbish English teacher was sitting in an Atlanta airport coffee shop waiting for her flight back to Connecticut, when a friendly Southern Belle sat down next to her.

"Where y'all goin' to?" asked the Southern Belle.

Turning her nose in the air, the snob replied "I don't answer peop...

Not sure about this blonde moment...

Overheard at a coffee shop...

"... and the 3rd mistake was that he did it in the 1st place..."

Three ladies are hanging out at a bar.

But its a quiet night, so they decide to mix it up a bit. Each decides to go to a bar and meet up the next morning, sharing stories on how drunk they got.

The next morning, the three ladies meet up at a coffee shop and begin to share their stories.

The first one begins, with "i got so ...

A guy is standing in the street shouting out "I am God. I am God."

The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help,
Walking up to the guy he asks "What is your name?" "I am God." the guy replies getting agitated..
The social worker says "Calm down. Why don't we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.
As soon as they ...

I contacted and arranged for a meet with an undercover FBI agent to show my skills in deduction and reasoning..

Unfortunately,a 14 yr old girl showed up at the coffee shop

A blind man gets in a cab on his way back from work,

and cracks down his window as it's a nice day. He and the driver make some small talk, when the driver eventually asks,

"Is it true that blind people have a better sense of smell than the rest of us?"

"Of course it is!" the blind man exclaims. "I'll prove it to you."

"Alright,"...

New Job.......

Barry is seated at a small table in a warmly lit coffee shop sipping coffee.
Barry’s friend Felix enters looking somewhat dubious. (Felix bares a remarkable resemblance to Woody Allen.) He spots Barry and joins him at the table.
BARRY: Did you find a job?
FELIX: Yeah. I got a job at a...

To be a hipster is to live in constant suffering

You spend all your time in coffee shops, but you always have to drink your coffee before it's cool.

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