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Coffee Shop Jokes

A man walks into a coffee shop

A man walks into a coffee shop and asks the waiter for a coffee with no cream.

The waiter says “I’m sorry, but we don’t have any cream today. Would you like a coffee with no milk instead?”

I overheard two women at the coffee shop having a lurid conversation about Bukkake.

One woman apologized and asked if I was offended by the topic.

I told her that I didn't mind and she was welcome to talk about it until she was blew in the face.

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What do you get when you cross a Jew and a coffee shop?

Hebrews

Coffee Shop Talk

Two women were sitting around talking about the men in their life. Once said, "...men are all alike!"

The other said, "...men are all I like too!"

I went to a coffee shop. They had some great looking cakes. I pointed to a cake and asked the waiter:

"Is this gluten free?"
He replied:
"No, it costs money!"

A blonde goes into a coffee shop

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

But the blonde k...

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Two men are having a business meeting in a small coffee shop...

...when a barista approaches and asks them what they'd like. The first man says that he'd like a glass of water. The barista replies "One glass of H2O coming right up." then turns to the second man and asks him what he'd like. The second man replies "I'd like a glass of H2O too, please". The Barista...

A blonde in a coffee shop:

"Will 6 coffees fit in this thermos?"

"Yes, they will!"

"Can a get two black, two with milk and sugar and two cappuccinos, please?"

Why do you always burn your tongue on coffee from the new “Hipster” coffee shop?

Because you were drinking it before it was cool.

Once Descartes went to a coffee shop

Waitress: Sir, Do you want one more coffee?
Descartes: Umm..I think not.
-----He suddenly disappears-----

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A man walks into a coffee shop

And orders a shot of espresso with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top. When he receives his order, he's dismayed to find only a shot of espresso.

"Hey!" he asks the barista, "why didn't you add the ice cream?"

"Sorry sir" he says, "affagato."

A guy walks into a coffee shop

He goes the counter and asks, “So what’s the special?”

The barista shakes her head, “I can’t tell you, it’s a secret.”

The man frowns. “What do you mean it’s a secret? What’s the special today? Is it a latte?”

The barista shakes her head.

“A mocha?”

She shakes her...

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

A chemist wants to open up a coffee shop

When the FDA comes to check his facility, they ask about his coffee recipe. He says, "I'm not like these other coffee shops. My coffee is made using pure science!

One part carbon monoxide and 2 parts iron."

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Two friends are sitting in a coffee shop.

One glances up and sees an Asian man sitting at a table nearby and says to his buddy, "I reckon that's a Japanese man over there. With his business suit and laptop."

"Hmmm, I think they're Chinese. His ponytail and long mustache gives it away." Replied his friend.

Luckily a third frien...

What's common between a sperm bank and a coffee shop?

you can get a Cup o' Joe at both places.

A drunken man walks onto a coffee shop

- Do you have iced coffee?
- No sir. We don't.
- Ok then, says the drunken man.

Then he gets on his way. 15min later he comes again.

- Do you have iced coffee?
- No sir. We don't. I told you before.
- Sorry about that, says the drunken man.

Then he gets on his way. ...

I went to a fancy new coffee shop today and ordered a cup

I took a sip and it tasted awful.

“This coffee tastes like mud!”

The barista replied, “well, it’s fresh ground”

Descartes is sitting in a coffee shop.

He is drinking coffee and writing his philisophical thoughts. When he finishes his coffee the waitress asks him if he would like some more and he replies "I think so". He sits there for another half hour when he finishes his new cup of coffee. The waitress comes again to asks him if he would like an...

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

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3 pregnant ladies in a coffee shop

So a blonde, a brunette and a redhead are sitting in a coffee shop talking about their pregnancies.

The brunette says to the other 2 that I heard if you have sex on top, your more likely to have a boy

The redhead say oh that must mean I’m likely to have a girl

There was a pause ...

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Two doctors are in a coffee shop having breakfast.

When they look out the window and see a man walking down the street very bow legged and almost on his tip toes.

Trying to decipher his condition, the first Doctor says "there's a typical case of severe arthritis in both knees"

The second Doctor objects and claims "it's obviously a fail...

A man is sitting in a coffee shop

(Kinda long) The man is sitting in a coffee shop, when his nephew walks in, his nephew tells him that his brother has died, and that the child is homeless. The man yells at the boy: “I haven’t had my coffee yet! Don’t talk to me!” The boy runs away. A voice calls out: “help! We need a doctor! This m...

My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.

**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum

**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend

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A Muslim, a Jew, a Christian, a Pagan and an Athiest all walk into a coffee shop...

...and they drink, talk, laugh, drink coffee and become good friends. It's not a joke. It's what happens when you're not a dickhead.

I’m opening a coffee shop and adult novelty store.

I can’t wait until the next Friday when ‘Ground and Flicked beans’ finally opens to the general public.

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Little Johnny walk into a coffee shop

And asks the attractive young server for a coffee. When she brings it out he looks at her, points to the coffee and says, "Maam, please p-i-s-s", spelling out the last word.

Offended at this, the server asks him to leave. While walking out he turns around and says "Bye c-u-n-t", again spellin...

A guy walks into a coffee shop

He orders a coffee. The barista asks him if he'd like milk or cream. He responds "I'm allergic to the protein in milk." The barista replies "No whey?"

A camel Goes into the coffee shop

The barista, about to add the sugar asks, "one lump or two?"

What do you call a progressive coffee shop?

Stay Woke

An old man walks into a coffee shop

He approaches the counter and notices a young teen playing on his phone. Without looking, the teen says:

"How can I help you?"

Old man: "I'll take a small coffee please"

Teen without looking:

"That'll be $0.75 cents please.

The old man annoyed at the teen digs into...

The Man In Black was talking to an Alien in a coffee shop.

He asks, "what kind of currency does Space use?"
The Alien points to the cup of coffee and said, "Starbucks"

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A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop one afternoon discussing who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to philosophy.

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the G...

I decided to go to a coffee shop today

The barista behind the counter said that I should try a new but expensive brew of coffee. It was $9 but I decided to try it. I took a sip of the beverage, and almost instantly spat it out.


"Wha... This tastes like mud!" I shouted at the barista.


He turned and smiled. "It shou...

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A black man from the USA, 200 cm tall, enters a coffee shop in Ukraine.

He sits down and orders a whiskey. An Ukrainian, 210 cm tall, enters the tavern, sits across the American and orders vodka.

The American, wanting to look superior, takes his whiskey and drinks it all at once.

So then the Ukrainian wanted to show that he can do it too, so he takes his v...

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the coffee shop...

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What?...

I'm starting up a local coffee shop and marketing it as an Ashley Madison meetup spot.

I'm calling it Grounds for Divorce.

A man walks into a Coffee Shop

And orders an espresso. While drinking it, a massively scarred Norwegian dude stumbles in the bar.
"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his espresso.
"There's a Chupacabra 10km east from here." The Norwegian dude rasps before dying.
So the Man gets on his tricycle and travels 10km east...

What are coffee shops in Russia called?

Tsarbucks.

Due to social distancing, only six of the seven dwarfs can meet at their favorite coffee shop.

One of them isn't Happy.

I’m gonna open a Jewish coffee shop

It’s called Hebrews it.

comes into a coffee shop...

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: “I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights”

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, “This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights. What does he think, this is an a...

A hipster coffee shop would be a terrible idea.

Everyone would burn their tongues because they would drink the coffee before it was cool.

What is the difference between a coffee shop and a brothel?

My girlfriend never asks for a large black at the coffee shop.

I visited a coffee shop where the password was "wedonthavewifi".

It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.

Why did the cops hang out at the coffee shop?

In case somebody got mugged.

When born, Arnold Schwarzenegger got a job serving spaghetti for a local coffee shop.

He was known as the pasta barista baby.

I quit my job as a coffee shop manager

The daily grind was just too much

There is a Jewish man that works at a local coffee shop near me...

...Hebrews better than anyone else in my town.

I was working at a coffee shop, and a priest asked if I have any whole milk

I said "forgive me father, for I have skim"

A man walks into a coffee shop...

A man walks into a coffee shop and asks

"I'll have a ztsherkmflurgchtrokzykk with two sugars."

Surprised, the barista answers:

"A ztsherkmflurgchtrokzykk with two *what*?!"

A group wearing tuxedos were sat down in a coffee shop, when a car suddenly smashed through the shop front.

Thankfully there were no casual teas

My coffee shop in Tokyo hasn't had many customers in the last couple of months...

It's ok now though, people are starting to drift in.

Why Can’t Coffee Shops Spell Correctly?

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.

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What do a coffee shop and a Japanese castle siege have in common?

Baristas

If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say “freelance” in an independent coffee shop...

I have no idea how much money I would have, but it would definitely be more than a freelancer.

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My boyfriend and I checked out a new coffee shop in town...

I asked him how his coffee was.

"It's like making love in a canoe."

"That good?" I asked

"No. It's fucking close to water."

A woman walks into a coffee shop and sees a person with a tiny man a tiny piano and a tiny stool

The woman asks the man where did you get that, and the man replys saying that there is a genie out back. The woman decides to check for the genie, while she's walking to the back she's thinking about what she will wish for and decides she will wish for 100 bucks. When she gets to the back she wishes...

A women stopped me in the coffee shop the other day claiming she met me through a vegetarian-only dating website...

but I had never met herbivore.

An Italian man with spells of amnesia goes into a boutique coffee shop...

The barista asked what he wants, and he replies "Affogato".

A Protestant minister, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi were in a coffee shop arguing about whose religion is the best

A protestant minister, a Catholic Priest, and a Rabbi were in a coffee shop arguing about whose religion is best. After hours of arguing, they agree to go into the woods and convert a bear. They would meet up in next week to see who won.

THe next week, the Priest comes in to the coffee shop w...

I wanted to chat-up the girl serving in the coffee shop, so I looked at her name badge and said:

"That's a beautiful name... Trainee"

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

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When I was out today, I saw a phone on the table outside a coffee shop that had been left there, so I pocketed it. It started to ring....

I took it out of my pocket and the caller I.D. said 'Mom'.

I put it back on the table and slowly backed away.

How the fuck did she know I was up to no good?

Earlier today at a coffee shop, I spilled my drink all over the paper I was working on.

The barista looked over and said, "Well, essay chai tea happens."

A man wakes up at 2:22 sharp and gets dressed.

He goes down to the coffee shop and his order comes to $2.22. He finds $2 on his windshield and arrives to work in exactly 2 minutes. “All these 2s” he thinks “ maybe it could mean something”

So he goes down to the hound racing at bets all his savings, his house and his car on #2 and watches ...

Mark is 5 feet, 6 inches tall

Mark likes dating taller women.

So, Mark was so excited to find a girl on a dating site who's bio said that she is 5 feet, 10 inches tall.

He was even more excited to see that her bio said that she likes dating shorter guys.

Mark chats with this girl for a while, and they eventu...

My brother and I were hanging out in a super trendy coffee shop when he farted, and suddenly a melee broke out.

All the hipsters started fighting over who heard it first.

A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.

Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. “You kids don’t know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn’t afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light.”

Every day a man goes into a coffee shop. Everyday he orders the same drink from the same barista and pays exactly 5 dollars . He always sits in the same seat, finishes the drink and leaves.

One day he orders the same drink from the same barista and extends the 5 dollar bill. The barista informs the man, “sir, I’m sorry but we’ve raised the price to $5.25.” The man hesitantly takes out another dollar and hands it to the lady. She tries to hand him back the extra .75 cents but he refuses...

Give me your best/worst jokes.

There is a really cute blonde barista at the coffee shop I go to, I already told her the two best I have. Please send me your best or worst. Dad jokes are extra appreciated.

//actual joke I told her//

Did you hear the big science news? They discovered a new element. It has elemental sy...

A blonde was recently hired at our office.

A blonde was recently hired at our office.
Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this...

Not sure about this blonde moment...

Overheard at a coffee shop...

"... and the 3rd mistake was that he did it in the 1st place..."

A cat walks in a coffee bar

A cat walks in a coffee bar. She goes straight to the bartender and with a very normal human voice ask for a long black coffee. The bartender is amazed and reply: “You are talking ?? Never saw a talking cat !...” . “Well, indeed, never been in this coffee shop before” the cat answered.

Barte...

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One day there were these two guys, John and Bill, and they that decide to go out for coffee together...

So John goes to Bill's house to pick him up. Bill gets in the car and they drive off. As they're heading down the road, the light begins to change yellow, and then red. John continues at the same speed and goes through the red light. "Hey man," says Bill, "You just ran that red light!" "I know......

Alabama boy goes to Boston for an interview

He had gone to the University of Alabama on a football scholarship and maybe took a few too many hits to the helmet.

He stopped in a coffee shop before heading to the interview and saw a pretty girl sitting at a table with a few college books. He got his drink and approached her.

In a ...

Vampire joke

Three vampires meet up in the street to talk about their recent kills.

The first vampire has some blood dripping onto his chin.

"See that pole over there?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Well beyond it I found a couple and drained them dry."

The second vampire has blood all ove...

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A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends

A Jew, a Muslim and a Christian are all best friends. They have this tradition of meeting up at a certain coffee shop and talking about this and that while they eat their collective favorite desert; cherry pie.

One day, as the friends are enjoying their cherry pie, the topic of who’s religio...

What to do if you found out you Facebook date is ugly

So a guy named Jack was talking to a girl on facebook for a long time, and decided they should meet at a coffee shop or something. Neither one of them knows how other one looks like, so the girl told him what she will be wearing for the meeting, and the guy told her that he will be drinking orange j...

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My friend was taking the piss out of me today because I apparently don't understand what irony is.

Which is ironic because we were sat in a coffee shop at the time...

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A morbidly obese man

visits his doctor.

“Doc,” he says, “I can’t stand being this fat anymore. Please help.”

“Alright, let’s get to work”, replies the doctor. After many months of diet and exercise, the man winds up loosing hundreds of pounds. An unfortunate side effect though is that he has all this loos...

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TIL about Kopi Luwak, an expensive coffee made from partially digested coffee cherries defecated by the Asian palm civet.

Imagine the barista's face when you go to the coffee shop then ask for a crappuccino.

I contacted and arranged for a meet with an undercover FBI agent to show my skills in deduction and reasoning..

Unfortunately,a 14 yr old girl showed up at the coffee shop

To be a hipster is to live in constant suffering

You spend all your time in coffee shops, but you always have to drink your coffee before it's cool.

A guy is standing in the street shouting out "I am God. I am God."

The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help,
Walking up to the guy he asks "What is your name?" "I am God." the guy replies getting agitated..
The social worker says "Calm down. Why don't we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.
As soon as they ...

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Timmy wakes up in the morning.....

And he feels great! He then gets ready for work and, on the way, he goes to a coffee shop.
The barista tells him: "are you ok? You look terrible".

He replies, "really? But I feel great!" He then continues to work.

He arrives, and his boss asks him, "Are you ok? You look terrible".<...

A girl named Sophie was walking down the street when she noticed a snail.

She stopped to look at the snail, but the snail started to speak. She was frightened at first but after a little conversation she calmed down. She started to like the snail and asked if he wanted to go back to her house. There they really started to connect. After a few hours, the snail asked her to...

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Ending a sentence with a preposition.

A snobbish English teacher was sitting in an Atlanta airport coffee shop waiting for her flight back to Connecticut, when a friendly Southern Belle sat down next to her.

"Where y'all goin' to?" asked the Southern Belle.

Turning her nose in the air, the snob replied "I don't answer peop...

New Job.......

Barry is seated at a small table in a warmly lit coffee shop sipping coffee.
Barry’s friend Felix enters looking somewhat dubious. (Felix bares a remarkable resemblance to Woody Allen.) He spots Barry and joins him at the table.
BARRY: Did you find a job?
FELIX: Yeah. I got a job at a...

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