I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

Waiter: Sorry about your weight

Client: Oh, no it wasn't long at all
(waiter giggles)

A waiter is working and sees Jesus come in

Waiter: “Hello sir, welcome to our restaurant! What can I get for you?”

Jesus: “Hello Matthew. Today I would like a steak please.”

Waiter: “How did you... oh right, you’re Jesus! Duh. Anyways, how would you like that?”

Jesus: “Well done, good and faithful servant”

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

How do you like your steak?

Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife. Waiter: Rare it is.

Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”

Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”

I dislike my job as a waiter.

But it puts food on the table.

The waiter asked for a tip, which I thought was...

...gratuitous

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a toilet bowl and a waiter?

The toilet bowl serves only one asshole at a time.

-

And yes, I know it is the joke number 9723442 in the list. However, after eating tonight very good food in a proper Italian restaurant next to a family group that would probably be excellent in performing the duelling banjos, I just ...

A bear walked into a restaurant and looks at the waiter and says “I’d like a grilled ................cheese.”.

The waiter said, “what’s with the big pause?”.

He said, “I’m a bear!”

The waiter came by and grated cheese for me

I told him I was grateful

The T-Rex waiters and waitresses at the restaurant seemed really stressed out

I guess they must have been short-handed

Why did the pregnant woman refuse to tip the waiter?

Because the tip was the reason she got pregnant in the first place.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?

"Pardon me ladies, but is ANYTHING all right?"


(Shabbat Shalom my fellow Jews of the Jokes sub!)

I ordered a coffee and it tasted awful. I called the waiter over and said "This coffee tastes like mud!"

They replied: Thank you sir, it's fresh ground! "

- Waiter! Is this a beef or pork steak?

\- Can't you tell by the taste of it?

\- No!

\- Then why do you care?

Waiter: Don't any of you guys have smaller bills?

Pa pelican: [dignified] We're as God made us, Sir

A tourist in Paris tells the waiter: Pardon me, but this coffee is cold!

The waiter replies: Thanks for letting me know, I’ll make a note of it on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro extra.

Hey, waiter, there is a hair in my dinner! This is disgusting.

What are you eating, sir?

Rump roast.

Waiter: Can I take your name and order?

Man: I'm Jon and I'll have a coke

Waiter: We only serve Pepsi I'm afraid

Man: Oh ok I'm Pepsi and I'll have a coke

Waiter: ok man

A man orders soup at the restaraunt, but as soon as it arrives, it becomes apparent something is very wrong with his meal.

He flags down his waiter.

"Excuse me waiter, could you please taste my soup?"

The waiter gives the man a strange look.

"Is something wrong with your soup, sir?"

The man shakes his head,

"Please taste the soup, waiter."

The waiter gets flustered, he told the ...

Waiter: "What'll you have?"

Me: "I'll have the chameleon."

Waiter: "That's not on the menu."

Me: "How can you be sure?"

Client: Waiter, please come taste my soup.

Waiter: Is there anything wrong with it sir? Want me to take it back to the chef?

Client: No, I just want you to taste my soup.

Waiter: But there's no spoon on the table.

Client: Exactly!

Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!

Well, that's the last time we get the tailor to cook the food.

I enjoy working with waiters

they bring a lot to the table

There was a waiter in Alabama who asked a table for their order

The waiter says “what do you and your girlfriend want to eat tonight”.
The man replies “oh she’s my sister”
The waiter tells him he’s really sorry for assuming they were a couple but the man says “it’s fine, you weren’t that far off, she’s my wife too"

The waiter gave me a ribeye that I didn’t order

It was a mis-steak

I once had a very annoying conversation with a waiter in a restaurant about the wifi.

Turns out the password was "sorrysirwedonthavewifi"

My boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: *turns in gun and badge*



My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

I was in an Eskimo restaurant the other day, and the waiter said .......

"We´ve got whale meat, or whale meat, or the Vera Lynn Special."
I asked him what was in the Vera Lynn Special?
He said "whale meat again".

I am a waiter.

I wait for bus at bus stand daily while going to college

I went to a restaurant and the waiter asked, “Would you like to hear today’s special?” I said, “Yes please.”

The waiter smiled and replied, "Sure thing. Today is special."

The waiter asked me if I wanted any herbs on my food

But I don't have the thyme for that

A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order.

“I’ll have your biggest, juiciest steak,” says the husband.

“But sir, what about the mad cow?” asks the waiter.

“Oh,” says the husband, “she’ll order for herself.”

”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?”

”Trying to find a way out, sir.”

Did you hear about the waiter that got his finger stuck in the dishwasher?!

The boss fired them both.

Why do waiters love serving hardworking people?

Because they always give a hundred and ten percent

A spider sits at a restaurant and calls the waiter

“Excuse me!” There’s a fly in my soup! My compliments to the chef!

I like my waiters like I like my cows.

Tipped

Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

Waiter, do you have frogs legs?

"Yes sir"

"Then hop over the bar and fetch me a drink"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a restaurant, one of the diners notices that the waiter carries a teaspoon in the pocket of his jacket

He looks at the other waiters and sees that all of them carry teaspoons in the pocket of their jackets. He asks the waiter about it:

"Excuse me, could you tell me why do you carry a teaspoon in your pocket?"

"Well, it has been shown that the teaspoons are the piece which falls most oft...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jewish men were sitting in a Chinese restaurant in New York

Two Jewish men, Sid and Al, were sitting in a Chinese restaurant in New York. Sid asked Al, 'Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in China?’

Al replied, 'I don't know, let's just ask our waiter.'

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, 'Are there any Chinese Jews?'<...

Did you hear about the waiter who became a manager?

He worked his way up the food chain.

Waiter:"There's basically everything on our menu"

Customer:"I see. Now, would you please bring me a cleaner one?"

Accendtly said "you too" to a waiter when he said enjoy your meal

He then set down and we enjoyed a pleasent evening together.

What did the waiter say to the Aussie chess player after he finished his meal?

Here's your cheque mate.

I went to a Chinese restaurant and the waiter asked me if I enjoyed my meal.

I told him the chicken was rubbery and he said "thank you".

The waiter says: Sorry, we don't serve particles faster than light.

A superluminal particle walks into a bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gordon Ramsey: excuse me waiter, are these icecubes fresh?

Waiter: uhm no, they’re frozen
Gordon: FUCKIN HELL!

Waiter: Sir, tip?

Me: Drink 8 glasses of water daily

Last night I went to a restaurant and noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

I looked around and saw all the waiters had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came I inquired, "Why do you place the spoon in your pocket?"

He explained, "The boss hired Accenture Consulting to re-engineer our processes. They discovered the spoon was the most frequently dropped ...

My dwarf friend got fired from his low paying waiter job.

He was struggling to put food on the table.

Manager: So why do you think you can become a good waiter

Me: You could say I bring a lot to the table

A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.

The waiter says: Nothing special, we just flat out tell 'em they're gonna die."

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining

And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

Trump and Putin are out to dinner. The waiter asks Putin what he would like to order. "I'll have the steak," Putin says. The waiter says, "And for your vegetable?"

"He'll have the steak, too."

A waiter served me some rare steak

But when I told him "I like it well done", he said "thank you".

The diner had been waiting a long time for his meal and was on the point of walking out when the waiter appeared.

"I must apologize for the delay, sir," said the waiter, "but your fish will be coming in a minute."

The diner replied coldly: "What bait are you using?"

An old Jewish man walks into a restaurant

He orders some soup. The waiter quickly brings his soup but the old man doesn’t eat. The waiter returns after some minutes. “Excuse me sir. Is there something wrong with your soup?”
“Try it and find out.” The old man responded.
“Is the soup too cold?”
“Try it.”
“I-is it too hot?”
“Jus...

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus asks for a table for 26.

The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.”

Jesus says, “Yeah, we’re all going to sit on the same side.”

A man is dining in a restaurant and he turns to the waiter.

"Waiter, waiter. What is this I am eating?"

The waiter says: "It's bean soup, sir."

"I don't care what it has been, I want to know what it is."

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a waiter and a proctologist?

A proctologist only has to deal with one asshole at a time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked...

"How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my sex," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were two guys at a rooftop bar. The first says "you see this beer in my hand? Three swigs of this can make me fly around this building." He takes three swigs, does a swan dive off the roof and flies around it.

As he settles to the ground the second man exclaimed "I need some of that!" The first man gives him the bottle which he takes three drinks from. The second man does an identical swan dive and falls to his death. The waiter approaches and exclaims, "HOLY CRAP SUPERMAN, WHAT THE HELL!"

Waiter: Tea or coffee, gentlemen?

1st customer: I’ll have tea.
2nd customer: Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?

What did the Australian waiter say to the chessplayer when he gave him the bill

Check mate

Waiter: ...and if you need anything, my name is Dave

Me: What's your name if I don't need anything?


(Yes, this is a repost of a comment, but since I posted the original, I figure I'm entitled.)

Whilst dining out yesterday evening I called the waiter over, "Waiter, there's a problem with my salad...

...I feel it needs a dressing"

When the waiter brought my order he had his thumb in my steak

So I yelled at him, "I don't want your finger touching my food!" So he asks me, "Would you rather it fall on the floor again?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy ate at a restaurant.

He noticed that the waiter's thumb was touching the soup when he brought the appetizer to the table.

"Excuse me. Half of your thumb was in my soup."

"Oh I am sorry!"

As the guy was enjoying the soup, the waiter brought out the main course. Again, his thumb was sticking in the f...

Batman went to a restaurant.

Shortly after being seated, the waiter asks if he would like a drink.

"Water." Batman says in his gruff voice.

"Would you like ice and a lemon?"

Batman looks at him and says: "Justice."

“Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!”

The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”

A Vegan Couple at a Restaurant : Hey waiter, We're vegan! What should we get?

Waiter : A taxi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peking Duck

A man is walking down a street, and sees a Chinese restaurant. He’s hungry, so he decides to eat there.
After being greeted, the man sits down at a table. The waiter then proceeds to ask the man what he wants to eat.
The man says, “Bring me a Peking Duck.” As the waiter starts to w...

Why does being a waiter in Israel suck?

None of the men have any tips to speak of

Waiter: What else can I get for the lovely couple?

Girl: Oh gosh, haha no, we're just friends.

Guy: You can get us two checks.

Girl: Excuse me?

Guy: Also please don't forget she had 2 soda refills, I know you guys charge extra.

A machine learning algorithm walks into a bar.

The waiter asks: "What'll you have?", the algorithm responds: "What everyone else is having."

How many waiters does it take to change a lightbulb?

“That’s not my section.”

I lost my job as a waiter when I served one of the customers his food.

On the downside, I got chicken all over my tennis racket.

Husband: "Waiter, my wife spilled her water".

Waiter: "No problem, I'll get you another one".
Husband: "Make sure the next one likes sports".

After my mother’s funeral, we all went for lunch at an Indian restaurant. When the waiter came to check that we had everything on our order he noticed my daughter crying.

He asked me what was wrong, I told him she was just missing her nan.

A man eating in a restaurant calls the waiter over.

The man tells the waiter, “this restaurant must have a very clean kitchen!”
“Thank you sir, how did you know?”
“Everything tastes like soap.”

What happened to the dollar. Short riddle.

Three friends have a nice meal together, and the bill is $25

The three friends pay $10 each, which the waiter gives to the Cashier

The Cashier hands back $5 to the Waiter

But the Waiter can't split $5 three ways, so he gives the friends one dollar each and keeps 2 dollars as a t...

After finishing dinner in a restaurant, Indian wife told her husband, "Give tip to the waiter".

Husband called the waiter and said

"Don't get married!"

Why did the restaurant staff deem the waiters absence due to depression to be a technical issue?

Because their servers were down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup."

The waiter replies, "So sorry, sir. I'll take care of that," and puts a spider in the soup.

"Hopefully this won't take long."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oh, waiter! I'd like a pile of shit please.

Waiter: Excuse me!

Customer: Yeah, there's a fly in my soup and he'd prefer something else to eat.

A waiter barges into his manager's office

"Help!" he says, "There are two guys outside high as a kite trashing the place!"

The manager steps out of his office, and sure enough there are two high guys shoving tables and throwing plates. He calmly walks out of the restaurant and returns shortly with a very beautiful woman. As soon as t...

WAITER: "Yes, is there something wrong?"

WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"


CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."


WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"


CUSTOMER: "Taste it."


WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."


CUSTOMER: "Taste it."


WAITER: "Sir,...

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