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Waiter Jokes

People say being a waiter is a bad job...

... but, hey, it puts food on the table.

Customer: Waiter, I’m in a hurry! Will the pancakes be long?

Waiter: No sir, round.

Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

A waiter walks up to a man and asks..

Waiter: "Sir, are you ready to order?"

Man: "I am, but my wife is in the bathroom."

Waiter: "Well do you know what she's having?"

Man: "It's been 10 minutes so probably a number 2."

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A waiter takes an order from a customer who asks for half a Caesar salad.

The waiter says "Well, we have a small and a large, would you like the small?"

The customer says, "No, I don't want a small or a large. I want HALF a Caesar salad. Why is that so hard?"

The waiter says "Ok.... let me go check with the chef." The waiter walks off toward the kitchen, but...

A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining

And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

"Waiter, my soup is cold!" "It's gazpacho"

"Gazpacho, my soup is cold!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The waiter came to my table and asked "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?"

So I knocked his ass out with a left hook.

"What makes you qualified to be a waiter"

I feel like I bring a lot to the table

Sat down in a restaurant to eat dinner last night, and the waiter asked if I'd like to hear today's special.

I said yeah

He said, today is special.

I said, I can appreciate a good dad joke, but can you tell me about the menu please.

The waiter slams his notebook down on the table, and says, sir the men I please is my own private business.





**EDIT**

Thank ...

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

I told the waiter my fish was dry.

The waiter said they had to take it out of the water.

A sign on a restaurant window says "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win one million dollars"

A man walking by notices the sign and walks in the restaurant and sits down at the table with a smirk on his face. The waiter asks what he will be having and the man says "I will have white rhinoceros stew please." The waiter comes out with a boiling hot bowl of exactly what the man ordered. The man...

A cannibal walks into a New York restaurant. He said to the waiter, “Please give me some children to eat.” The waiter was surprised and asked, “What are you talking about?”

“The sign at the entrance says half price for children."

Waiter: “And how would you like your steak prepared?”

Me: “Guess”
Waiter: “Medium rare?”
Me: “Well done”
Waiter: “Uhhh.”

“Waiter, waiter, why is my apple pie all mashed up?!”

“Sir, you did ask me to step on it.”

a roman citizen walks into a bar raises two fingers and says to the waiter,

“five beers, please”

After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.



"Certainly," he replied.



I said, "Why did you just eat my food?"

A "large" man is seated at a restaurant and the waiter brings an enormous steak.



A friend of the man walks by and says "Surely you're not going to eat that monstrosity alone!"

The man says, "Of course not! I also ordered mashed potatoes."

The waiter asked me how I like my steak. I said rare.

He said you're in luck, today's special is panda.

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.

Hushed silence turned into a roar of  laughter, when the quick-witted Diplomat  announced:


"Gentlemen ! 

You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-


Fall of Turkey

Breakup of China

Spillage of Greece 

 and

Frustration of ...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The wa...

"Waiter, there's no chicken in this chicken soup!"

"That's all right, sir. There are no cottages in our cottage cheese, either."

Two Karens are having lunch together

The waiter stops by and asks "Is anything okay?"

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".

The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm s...

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The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

Two chemists went to dinner together

After they ordered, one of them told the waiter: "A cup of H2O, please."

Another chemist told the waiter: "H2O, too."

He gulped down his drink and then he died.

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.

When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.

Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve Negroes".

Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my damn cheeseburger".

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

At a restaurant a waiter comes over...

At a restaurant a waiter comes over and asks a man

"Comfortable sir"

"No no, comforfood"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

I went to a restaurant and the waiter threw my steak into my mouth

Guess I shouldn't have ordered the Kobe beef

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What does a waiter and a toilet have in common?

They can effectively only serve one asshole at a time

Five Jewish Women Go Out for Dinner

After their meals arrive, the waiter comes over and asks, "Ladies, is anything alright?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Spain

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

It looked good.

It smelled good.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's te...

The waiter

The waiter said to me, “I’m glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?”

I said, “Super easy. It was right next to the potatoes.”

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

I said "Waiter, bring me a gin, and make it quick!"

He said "Sorry sir, we only have sloe gin".

Husband: "Waiter, my wife spilled her water".

Waiter: "No problem, I'll get you another one".
Husband: "Make sure the next one likes sports".

Two Story Restaurant Waiter~

So I got this job at a restaurant that was 2 stories tall. I worked for 3 days hulking trays full of food and drinks and then dirty dishes up and down the stairs. And then I noticed some of the other waiters pointing and laughing at me. At first I though something had fallen off my tray. Then this t...

Restaurant patron: “Waiter, I’d like a bottle of wine.”

Waiter: “What year, sir?”

Patron: “Well, I’d like it right now.”

Three weddings were occurring the same hotel one weekend.

After the ceremonies and wedding meals, all three grooms happened to be at the bar at the same time and they got talking about how they were looking forward to their wedding nights.

The first groom said "Hey we should let each other know how we got on. How about, at breakfast, the number of ...

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The spoon

Customer at restaurant drops a spoon. Waiter nearby immediately replaces the dropped spoon with a clean one from his breast pocket. Next time the customer sees him, the waiter has a new spoon in his breast pocket so the customer asks about the spoon.


“The owners hired a consultant some t...

Manager: Why would you make a good waiter at my restaurant?

Me: I bring a lot to the table.

A guy goes into a restaurant for lunch.

After careful consideration, he decides he will have a bowl of the day's soup. The waiter praises him for his decision.

"Ah, excellent choice. The chef makes the soup fresh each day from only the freshest, locally-sourced ingredients. It is completely organic, and there are no additives or pr...

My boss: “You’re fired.”

Me: *turns in gun and badge*



My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

I went to a coffee shop. They had some great looking cakes. I pointed to a cake and asked the waiter:

"Is this gluten free?"
He replied:
"No, it costs money!"

At the Indian restaurant, the waiter asked me, “Curry ok, sir?”

Me: Ok. One song, and then I really need to go home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.

He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not lookin...

Waiter! These potatoes taste powdery.

Yes sir. We use only the finest ingredients.

Say what you want about waiters

But I think they bring a lot to the table

what do an actor and a waiter have in common?

They're both waiters.

A man goes into a restaurant.

He sits down, he's havin' a bowl of soup. He says to the waiter, 'Waiter, come taste the soup.'

Waiter says, 'Is there something wrong with the soup?'

He says, 'Taste the soup.'

Waiter says, 'Is there something wrong with the soup? Is the soup too hot?'

The man says, 'W...

He got the order wrong

Why did the customer get upset at the waiter?

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise".

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. ...

A guy asks the waiter, how do you prepare the chicken?

We tell them right up front, you're not going to make it.

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.

First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked...

I went out for Chinese last night, I told the waiter that the chicken was rubbery...

He thanked me.

A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.

The waiter says: Nothing special, we just flat out tell 'em they're gonna die."

Waiter waiter there’s a fly in my soup!

Waiter: “Don’t worry Sir, the spider in your salad will get it.”.

ME AS AN INDIAN RESTAURANT WAITER:

I can show you how we make our bread, but I'll need to you sign a Naan-Disclosure Agreement first.

The waiter says: Sorry, we don't serve particles faster than light.

A superluminal particle walks into a bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked...

"How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my sex," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?"

I complained to my waiter that my alphabet soup had no letters between 'T' and 'V'

They said "That sounds like a 'U' problem"

In which sports do waiters do really well?

Tennis. They are trained to serve well.

Waiter: "What'll you have?"

Me: "I'll have the chameleon."

Waiter: "That's not on the menu."

Me: "How can you be sure?"

“waiter waiter! what am I eating?”

“It’s called the Tomato Surprise” replies the waiter

“But I don’t see any tomatoes?”

“That’s the surprise”

A man sat down in a restaurant and the waiter came over to the table.



The man says, "I'd like tomato juice, scrambled eggs with spinach, and some cherry pie."

"But you haven't looked at the menu yet," said the waiter.

"No, but I've looked at the tablecloth," replies the man.

So I'm at a fancy restaurant with a date

The waiter asks if I want red wine or white wine with the meal. "I don't care; I'm color-blind." My date laughs. I guess she doesn't have any sympathy for the color-blind.

So the waiter brings over a bottle. The label says "2013." I tell the waiter I want some wine that isn't 10 years beyond ...

What do you call a waiter with no teeth?

A dentured servant.

I went to a restaurant and a waiter spilled chowder down my trousers, so I said...

Waiter, waiter...there's soup in my fly!

Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”

Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man at a restaurant approaches his waiter...

"You see that guy at the bar drinking martinis and watching football?" the man asks the waiter. "He just came up to my table, slapped me and called me a shithead! I'd like you to kick him out please."

"I can't kick him out, unfortunately," the waiter says. "I'm just a waiter."

"Well wh...

A man says to his waiter, ‘Excuse me sir, this coffee is cold’

The waiter replies, ‘Thanks for telling me. I’ll make a note on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro more’.

Excuse me waiter, there’s a problem with my salad...

I think it needs addressing

A waiter gives a man a cup of coffe

The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out;and says “Waiter this coffee tastes like mud.”

The waiter looking surprised replies “ Yessir it was ground this morning.”

Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!

Well, that's the last time we get the tailor to cook the food.

Where does a waiter with only one leg work at?

IHOP

Waiter, this coffee taste like mud!

Yes sir, it's fresh ground!

Got fired on the first day as a waiter.

Turns out the customer wasn't asking for pee soup.

Steve's Place.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called "Steve's Place", and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket; it seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket...

A man goes to a restaurant

He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them. He asks the waiter, "How much is the fettucini alfredo?"

The waiter says "A penny."

The man exclaims, "A penny?? How much for a steak?"

The waiter says, "A nickel"

The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did Adolf Hitler yell at the waiter ?

He hated the juice.

WAITER: "Yes, is there something wrong?"

WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"


CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."


WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"


CUSTOMER: "Taste it."


WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."


CUSTOMER: "Taste it."


WAITER: "Sir,...

An old Jewish man walks into a restaurant

He orders some soup. The waiter quickly brings his soup but the old man doesn’t eat. The waiter returns after some minutes. “Excuse me sir. Is there something wrong with your soup?”
“Try it and find out.” The old man responded.
“Is the soup too cold?”
“Try it.”
“I-is it too hot?”
“Jus...

A drunk man goes into a restaurtant

A drunk man goes into a restaurtant. He tells the waiter: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."

The waiter tells him: "Sorry, we don't serve drunk people. Please leave."

The man angrily leaves, comes back 15 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 ...

What is your favorite Norm Macdonald joke/lune

"You,re the first defensive player ever to win the Heisman trophy, and no one can take that away from you."


"....Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter"

If you see your joke, by all means comment, but don't repeat it, find another -he has thousands and thousands - I ...

Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.

"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.

"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks. I'll put it in my colleg...

A man at a table in a restaurant suddenly starts to cry. The worried waiter asks, “Why are you crying?”

Man: “My wife said she won’t talk with me for a month.”

Waiter : “That’s terrible.”

Man: “Yes, the month ends today.”

Waiter: wine?

Date: I don’t drink

Waiter: water?

Me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

Waiter: How did you find you steak sir

Me: It was delicious. Cooked to perfection.

Waiter: That's not what I meant

Me: The cook told me where you hid it

A man yells to his waiter: “There’s a pubic hair in my soup!”

Waiter: “No reason to be so upset, it is just a hair”
Man: “I understand, it’s just a little hair, but i prefer things with right timing!”
Waiter: ”And how’s that?”
Man: ”Let’s say you go down on your wife, would you be ok finding a spaghetti?”

I was at a steak house...

...when the waiter brought me my steak, holding it to the plate with his thumb.

I said, "Are you crazy? What's with your thumb on my steak?"

"Sorry," answered the waiter, "but I don’t want it to fall on the floor again."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Waiter and the Spoon

A married couple decides to brave Covid and eat out for their anniversary at a fancy restaurant. They’ve been ordering Grubhub for months and are excited to support a local business in person. They order soup, but as it arrives, the man accidentally knock his spoon onto the floor with his elbow. To ...

Went to a really fancy restaurant last night. The water waiter came out and gave me water. The coffee waiter gave me coffee. The wine waiter gave me wine...

I was really happy when the head waiter came out!

Bob: Waiter, would you please come here?

Waiter: Yes sir, how may I help you?
Bob: Try the soup
Waiter: Is there something wrong sir? Because if so, we can replace the soup
Bob: Just try it
Waiter: Okay, where's the spoon?
Bob: Exactly.

Waiter-what do you want sir?

Me-(licking lips) pasta will be good.
Waiter-stop licking my lips sir

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a virgin and waiter have in common?

They both want just the tip.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The waiter's thumb

One day John goes to a restaurant and orders a cup of coffee. The waiter gets it and keeps it on the table. John notices that the waiter had put his thumb in the coffee on the way to his table. He gets irritated and asks the waiter.

Waiter explains, "I have a skin infection on the finger so ...

A waiter was serving someone when they dropped a spoon...

So the waiter pulled a spoon out of his top pocket. The man questioned why the waiter had a spoon in his pocket and started eating his dessert. The waiter replied we did a study and it showed that 70% of customers drop spoons so it saves us time having one with us. The customer looked intrigued and ...

The Mathematician and the Waiter

A mathematician and his partner go to a restaurant one Sunday lunchtime. The waiter comes over and takes the mathematician's order: -

'I'd like one chicken breast, 10 roast potatoes, 100 baby carrots and 1,000 peas, please' he requests.

'Why sir!' Exclaimed the waiter. 'That's an order...

Waiter, waiter, what’s wrong with this fish?

Waiter: Long time, no sea Sir.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

the waiter

So a customer says to the waiter, "I'm a vegetarian, I'm allergic to gluten, I don't eat carbs, I'm lactose intolerant, and I'm allergic to nuts. What should I get?"

And the waiter says, "... the fuck out."

What did the dad with milk sensitivities say to the waiter at a Mexican restaurant when asked if he wanted cheese with his taco?

No whey, Jose.

I got served by a one armed waiter the other day

You have to hand it to him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me this joke a while ago, and I thought that it was pretty good:

A man goes to a restaurant and sits down to eat.

The waiter comes by and asks him what he would like to eat.

The man says, “I’ll have one of your world-famous burgers with lettuce and onions on it.”

The waiter responds, “I’m sorry sir, but we’re fresh out of onions.”

“Oh,...

Three logicians walk into a bar

The waiter comes and asks if they all want a drink. First logician says "I don't know". Second logician also says "I don't know". Third logician says Yes.

“Waiter, there’s a moth in my cider!”

“I’m so sorry sir! Let me get you a darker cider.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

OMG! The waiter just sneezed on my toast!

I can't believe it! Snot butter!

"Waiter, this bread tastes like Marijuana"

"It was baked this morning"

My waiter just spilled coffee all over me.

I know it was just an accident, but I'm still bitter.

Waiter: Sir, tip?

Me: Drink 8 glasses of water daily

I always tip my waiter.

He always looks so surprised when he hits the floor.

Waiter: Sorry about your weight

Client: Oh, no it wasn't long at all
(waiter giggles)

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