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Waiter Jokes

Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

People say being a waiter is a bad job...

... but, hey, it puts food on the table.

My Asian waiter just handed my food to the wrong customer because he's racist and thinks all white people look the same.

Wait, nevermind. That wasn't my waiter.

I was down on my luck but got a date from a tinder profile with no pic.

I wasn't expecting mych, probably 400lbs or professional. But i got to her door and low and behold a perky smile and strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the right places. I couldn't believe my luck. We exchanged names and i asked her what she did. She told me "sunday school teacher"....

"Waiter, my soup is cold!" "It's gazpacho"

"Gazpacho, my soup is cold!"

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The waiter came to my table and asked "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?"

So I knocked his ass out with a left hook.

Two chemists went to dinner together

After they ordered, one of them told the waiter: "A cup of H2O, please."

Another chemist told the waiter: "H2O, too."

He gulped down his drink and then he died.

Waiter: “And how would you like your steak prepared?”

Me: “Guess”
Waiter: “Medium rare?”
Me: “Well done”
Waiter: “Uhhh.”

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

Went to the restaurant.

Me and the girlfriend went to the restaurant for the first time in ages.

The Waiter said, I am sorry sir but we are so busy tonight.

Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.

He said well take these drinks to table. 10.

A man tries to pay for lunch with coins made of flatbread

Waiter tells him they won't take his naan cents

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A man goes to Spain on vacation

While he's there he goes to a restaurant and the waiter gives him an additional side dish along with his meal

The man loves the side dish and when he asks the waiter what it is, he says "A bull died in a bull wrestling show and these were its testicles"

The next day the man asks for t...

Waiter, do you serve fish here?

Waiter: How could you ask that? We serve everyone here.

When I was a kid, my dad worked hard to put food on the table

He was a good waiter

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Pubes & Noodles

A man eating noodles in a restaurant calls the waiter and say "There is a pube in my noodles. I am leaving and not paying for this". The restaurant owner is pissed and asks the waiter to chase the client.

The waiter follows the man who is heading to a brothel. He eventually finds him nose dee...

Fishy joke that I dreamt last night

An Asian guy goes into a restaurant and is talking to the waiter. The waiter says "I had a dream of being a goldfish last night". The guy says "are you trying to be Koi?"

A man goes into a restaurant.

He sits down, he's havin' a bowl of soup. He says to the waiter, 'Waiter, come taste the soup.'

Waiter says, 'Is there something wrong with the soup?'

He says, 'Taste the soup.'

Waiter says, 'Is there something wrong with the soup? Is the soup too hot?'

The man says, 'W...

The waiter asked me how I like my steak. I said rare.

He said you're in luck, today's special is panda.

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(True joke) In 1960, after winning his olympic gold medal, Muhammad Ali went to eat at a fancy downtown resteraunt.

When the waiter came over Ali asked for a cheeseburger.

Shocked to see a black man sitting in the resteraunt, the waiter announced "We don't serve Negroes".

Ali: "Well I don't eat them either, just give me my damn cheeseburger".

At a restaurant a waiter comes over...

At a restaurant a waiter comes over and asks a man

"Comfortable sir"

"No no, comforfood"

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What does a waiter and a toilet have in common?

They can effectively only serve one asshole at a time

My boss: "You're fired."

Me: turns in gun and badge

My boss: "You're a waiter where did you get those"

I complained to my waiter that my alphabet soup had no letters between 'T' and 'V'

They said "That sounds like a 'U' problem"

Steve's Place.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called "Steve's Place", and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket; it seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket...

A tourist from France visits the US

He goes to his hotel's restaurant and orders a salad and a hot dog

The waiter first comes back with an enormous bowl. With a smile on his face, he tells the tourist "In America, everything is giant!"

The tourist manages to finish the salad. The waiter comes back again with the hot dog....

At the Indian restaurant, the waiter asked me, “Curry ok, sir?”

Me: Ok. One song, and then I really need to go home.

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That's My Chicken

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the...

Two men were walking their dogs when they smell a delicious scent.

"You smell that?" tom asked. Bob replied, "the heck I do, let’s find where it’s coming from!”. After 5 minutes of searching, the scent led them to a restaurant. Tom said "let’s get something to eat!" they both were hungry but bob reminded him that they couldn’t enter with their dogs! so tom said "it...

A "large" man is seated at a restaurant and the waiter brings an enormous steak.



A friend of the man walks by and says "Surely you're not going to eat that monstrosity alone!"

The man says, "Of course not! I also ordered mashed potatoes."

Three men are sitting down in a restaurant

The waiter comes by and says "Excuse me, but there's a shortage of steak tonight and it's not on the menu."

The Texan says "What's a 'shortage?'"

The Russian says "What's a 'steak?'"

The Bostonian says "What's 'excuse me?'"

It's irritating when students get ahead of themselves...

These days many college students assume that they're doing the job already. That's not how it works, you need to get the certification, or get the job.

Engineering students shouldn't call themselves engineers

Medical students shouldn't call themselves doctors

Law students shoul...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer...

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Specialty of the House

While visiting Madrid recently, I went to a restaurant that was highly recommended by some locals. When the waiter came to take my order, without even looking at the menu, I said that I will have the specialty of the house. The waiter paused for a moment and then asked me if I knew what that dish wa...

Client: I want a cup of tea, please.

Waiter: 2 teaspoons of sugar ?

Client: No, I want 5. Is it the same price ?

Waiter: Yes, sugar is free.

Client: OK, don't bring the tea, I want 2 lbs sugar.

Manager: Why would you make a good waiter at my restaurant?

Me: I bring a lot to the table.

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A few friends go to Mexico to watch the bull fights.

Afterwards, the friends go to a restaurant. The waiter asks them, "would you like to try the oysters? They are the testicles of the bull, but we only serve them when the bull loses."

After time, the men decide they do want to try the oysters. Out comes a dish with two huge, round balls, with ...

Kitty

A cat walks into a bar and orders coffee. The waiter is speechless and seeing this, the cat asks:

\- Is anything the matter?

\- Well, yeah.. you're a cat.

\- So?

\- You can talk..

\- I fail to see the problem. Please get me my order.

\- Right away, it's just...

A man sat down in a restaurant and the waiter came over to the table.



The man says, "I'd like tomato juice, scrambled eggs with spinach, and some cherry pie."

"But you haven't looked at the menu yet," said the waiter.

"No, but I've looked at the tablecloth," replies the man.

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner....

Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean...

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

what do an actor and a waiter have in common?

They're both waiters.

The Monkees visit a bar every Tuesday...

Each time they visit, they never finish their drinks, leaving them for the waiter to tidy up.

One night, the waiter approaches Micky Dolenz:

"Excuse me sir, you waste $30 on drinks every Tuesday that just get thrown down the drain. Why do you do it?"

Micky turns to the waiter an...

Client: I want a can of soda, please.

Waiter: It's 10$.

Client: 10$ ? Why ?

Waiter: 5$ for the can and the TIP is 5$.

Client: OK, here's 10$.

Waiter: Thanks. Here, I give you back 5$.

Client: What ? Why ?

Waiter: Because we don't have soda any more.

What is your favorite Norm Macdonald joke/lune

"You,re the first defensive player ever to win the Heisman trophy, and no one can take that away from you."


"....Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter"

If you see your joke, by all means comment, but don't repeat it, find another -he has thousands and thousands - I ...

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A guy and a hen enter a bar together

They sit down at the table. The hen has extraordinarily long legs.

The waiter asks the guy what he wants.

The guy, with a sad and tired expression asks for a black coffee and a slice of applepie.

The hen promptly says: "I'll have the same, thanks".

The waiter is amazed by...

A group of Jewish women are out at brunch

...when the waiter comes over and says "ladies, is anything ok?"

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar, sits down at the counter and orders a beer in a glass and a beer in a thimble.
The waiter finds his request strange, but he complies.
Suddenly a tiny man comes out of the man's shirt pocket, sits down on the bar and drinks his beer from the thimble. The waiter looks at ...

I went to a restaurant and a waiter spilled chowder down my trousers, so I said...

Waiter, waiter...there's soup in my fly!

Two men walked into a restaurant.

The first man asked for tea. The second man asked for the same and said to the waiter, "And make sure the glass is clean."

When the waiter returns with the two glasses of tea, he asks, "Which one of you asked for the clean glass?"

Surprise

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the Chicken Surprise.

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises lightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around befor...

A waiter walks up to a man and asks..

Waiter: "Sir, are you ready to order?"

Man: "I am, but my wife is in the bathroom."

Waiter: "Well do you know what she's having?"

Man: "It's been 10 minutes so probably a number 2."

Two Story Restaurant Waiter~

So I got this job at a restaurant that was 2 stories tall. I worked for 3 days hulking trays full of food and drinks and then dirty dishes up and down the stairs. And then I noticed some of the other waiters pointing and laughing at me. At first I though something had fallen off my tray. Then this t...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.

Hushed silence turned into a roar of  laughter, when the quick-witted Diplomat  announced:


"Gentlemen ! 

You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-


Fall of Turkey

Breakup of China

Spillage of Greece 

 and

Frustration of ...

A guy asks the waiter, how do you prepare the chicken?

We tell them right up front, you're not going to make it.

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A tourist in Madrid goes into a restaurant and orders the special

The waiter brings it, and he asks what it is.

"These are cojones, Signor."

"What are cojones?"

"These are the testicles of the bull, the one which lost the bullfight in the arena this afternoon. They're very good."

So he tries them, and they are very good. He finishes the...

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

Restaurant patron: “Waiter, I’d like a bottle of wine.”

Waiter: “What year, sir?”

Patron: “Well, I’d like it right now.”

A doctor is sitting at a restaurant.

He sees a waiter that is walking a bit too slow for his liking and asks him.

"Sorry... but do you maybe have hemorrhoids?"

The waiter responds.

"I am not sure, I will ask the chef."

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A man goes to a restaurant and sees a sign by the door

The sign reads: "Order anything you want, if we cannot make it, you get $300."
So, when the waiter comes he orders steamed elephant testicles with fried giraffe tongue on toast. The waiter goes to the kitchen and gives the cook the order. The kitchen staff is frantic and scrambles to find what ...

A man and a woman are painfully flirting

The restaurant was practically empty, save for them. The man and the woman sat in silence, each waiting for the other to begin.

The man started.

"H-Hi." **Oh god, I sound like an idiot.**

"...Hi." *My Voice! Please come out!*

"So...uh...um...do w-weather?" **What is wrong...

A customer orders a coffee

The waiter brings the coffee and sets it on the table.
The customer takes a sip, and promptly spits it out, spraying everywhere.
"This tastes like dirt!!!" He shouts at the waiter.
"Yes", the waiter says. "It's fresh ground".

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Two attorneys walk into a cafe

However, they do not order anything. Instead, they both reach into their respective briefcases and pull out a sandwich each. Seeing this, a grumpy old waiter walks over to them.

"Look, I don't know who you hotshot fellas are, but I hope you can read that sign over there. It says 'You cannot b...

I was eating at a restaurant the other day when a lawyer sat at the next table across from me. The waiter arrived to take his order and accidentally knocked the salt and pepper straight into his lap.

I thought, “Now there’s a seasoned professional”.

A man at a table in a restaurant suddenly starts to cry. The worried waiter asks, “Why are you crying?”

Man: “My wife said she won’t talk with me for a month.”

Waiter : “That’s terrible.”

Man: “Yes, the month ends today.”

A reporter hears about a new cafe that is a smash hit

He heads on down to see a long line of women outside, all waiting to get inside. Making his way inside, he is shocked to see Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top Fame standing behind the counter, serving tea. He walks up and asks "Hey, aren't you Billy Gibbons?"\\

"Sure am."

"Are the other guys her...

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A couple goes to Spain......

A couple goes to Spain for a vacation. After a full day they decide to go to a nice restaurant. As they’re seated at their table, they notice the couple next to them gets served with a platter with two of the largest meatballs they had ever seen. They called the waiter over to ask what the dish is. ...

Blind guy walks into a restaurant.

Restaurant waiter and owner ,Paul goes to him politely and asks him what he'd like to eat. The blind guy tells Paul to give him a plate of the previous person that ate there , he'll smell the plate and tell Paul if he wants the meal. So Paul goes into the kitchen and asks his wife Mary (who happens ...

Dinner Date

My husband and I were out for dinner and the waiter started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my husband said. "Why?," I asked. My husband replied, "Because she has no taste."

Last bowl of Chili

A man rushes into a diner and sits down at the counter. He asks the waiter for a bowl of Chili.

Waiter points to a man 3 seat down and says "He got the last one"

Man looks at the guy just staring down at the bowl. He asks "Are you gonna eat that? If not I'll take it."

The dine...

“Waiter, waiter, why is my apple pie all mashed up?!”

“Sir, you did ask me to step on it.”

Sat down in a restaurant to eat dinner last night, and the waiter asked if I'd like to hear today's special.

I said yeah

He said, today is special.

I said, I can appreciate a good dad joke, but can you tell me about the menu please.

The waiter slams his notebook down on the table, and says, sir the men I please is my own private business.





**EDIT**

Thank ...

A man yells to his waiter: “There’s a pubic hair in my soup!”

Waiter: “No reason to be so upset, it is just a hair”
Man: “I understand, it’s just a little hair, but i prefer things with right timing!”
Waiter: ”And how’s that?”
Man: ”Let’s say you go down on your wife, would you be ok finding a spaghetti?”

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

Four old Jewish women are around a table at a restaurant

The waiter comes up and asks, “Is ANYTHING okay?”

Tongue anyone?

A man went to an ethnic restaurant for lunch and asked the waiter if there were any specials that day. The waiter beamed and said, we do have a marvelous tongue salad which our chef is very expert at preparing. The man said “I would never eat anything that came out of a cows mouth. I’d rather die.”<...

The Star Wars Surprise

A man went to a space-themed diner for lunch. Looking over the menu, he spotted the weekly special, the Star Wars Surprise. It was nearly twice as expensive as most other items, but promised an experience you wouldn't forget.

Curiosity getting the better of him, the man ordered the special. H...

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It's Catherine and Michael's 15th Wedding Anniversary

>**Catherine:** "You know what, You've bought me enough jewelry the past 15 anniversaries, so this time I'm gonna make it all about you."

*Catherine decides to take Michael to a strip club as a special little gift. They arrive at the strip club, and are greeted by the bouncer at the do...

A man walks into a coffee shop

A man walks into a coffee shop and asks the waiter for a coffee with no cream.

The waiter says “I’m sorry, but we don’t have any cream today. Would you like a coffee with no milk instead?”

Works

A man sits in a restaurant and finishes his meal. He asks for the bill.

The waiter hands him the bill, the man eyes the bill, and notices that along with his meal, he was also billed $5 for an item that's just called "works". The man doesn't remember ordering anything called "works", and he d...

Chemist joke

Two typical chemists walk into a bar. The first chemist asks the waiter: "I would like some H₂O, Please!" The second chemist says: "I'd like some H₂O too!" The second man dies.

In which sports do waiters do really well?

Tennis. They are trained to serve well.

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".

The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm s...

A chemist goes to England for the first time

He walks into a crowded restaurant in the suburbs. He realizes he starts to get really hot, and as he wipes the sweat of his forehead he asks his waiter:

“Why is it so humid in here?”

The waiter responds “Lots of people have been moving from London recently, and everywhere is getting h...

Waiter: How would you like your steak sir?

Me: like winning an argument with my wife

Waiter: good choice, rare it is.

This guy was finishing his dinner at a restaurant...

...and the waiter said "How did you find your steak sir?" The guy said "By accident. I moved my baked potato and there it was."

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[NSFL] The sickest joke I've ever heard.

I warned every one.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He claims the bartender that he could eat literally anything without throwing up for $100. So the bartender pulls a rotted old sausage out of the garage, and the grabs it and eats it up. "Okay, double or nothing, what do you suggest" ...

Otto Waalkes (german comedian)

Waiter, the coffee is cold! – If you want something warm, you should order a beer.

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A man walks into a restaurant after a bull fight

A man walks into a Spanish restaurant after a big bull fight. He looks at the menu for a bit and spots ‘meatballs del toro’. So he calls the waiter over and orders this plate. Later, two giant, steaming meatballs come out atop a large plate of spaghetti. Best meatballs the man has ever had. He leave...

somewhere in a alternate universe

A patron at a restaurant is asking for "new coke" and the waiter is saying "is clear Pepsi ok"?

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Three Jewish pigs walk into a diner

And they get seated at a booth. They're each peering through their menus when the waiter comes up to the table and says, "what'll it be fellas?"

The first pig says, "I'll have the blueberry pancakes. Extra butter".

The second pig says, "I'll have the fish and chips. Hold the tartar s...

The President

The President and his cabinet (advisors) go to a restaurant. The waiter asks the President what he'd like to order. "A steak", he says. The waiter asks, "And the vegetables?" The President replies, "they'll have steak too".

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Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms.

Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to...

To impress my date I ordered my whole dinner in French.

Even the waiter was impressed because it was a Chinese restaurant.

Two lawyers enter a restaurant.

They both pull up suitcases onto the table they're on, and take out a sandwich each from their suitcases. Seeing this, a waiter comes up to them and tells them they cannot eat their own food in the restaurant. With an irritated tsk and a shake of the head, the two lawyers exchange their sandwiches, ...

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant for the Last Supper.

Jesus: "Table for 26 please"
waiter: "But there are only 13 of you"
Jesus:"Yes but we all want to sit on the same side!"

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The wa...

Two city kids take a road trip

Two city kids are taking a road trip deep into the countryside. After a long day of driving, they manage to find a diner, way out in the farmland, and decide to get dinner.

To their amazement, the restaurant is run entirely by cattle. The fry cook is a longhorn. A Holstein takes their order ...

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The Bidens went out to a restaurant.

The waiter serving them asked Jill Biden for her order first.
"To start, I'll have the french onion soup. Then the prime rib, medium-rare, with a baked potato, with butter and sour cream."
"Excellent, Doctor. What about the vegetable?"
"Oh, he'll have the same thing."


(...

By mistake his Phone rang in Church during prayers...

The Priest scolded him ...

After prayers, the congregation admonished him for interrupting the silence.

His wife lectured him on his carelessness until they got home.

One could see the shame, embarrassment n humiliation on his face !!

*He has never stepped into the Church...

Two Karens are having lunch together

The waiter stops by and asks "Is anything okay?"

The waiter

The waiter said to me, “I’m glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?”

I said, “Super easy. It was right next to the potatoes.”

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain ...

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are calle...

The Mandalorian was my waiter, and I think I angered him because he threatened to tamper with my food.

"I can bring it in warm...or I can bring it in cold."

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Load of balls

While holidaying in southern Spain a man visits a local restaurant – where he sees a diner happily wolfing down two large pink objects. ‘I’ll have those, please,’ he tells the waiter.

‘I’m sorry, Senor,’ comes the reply, ‘but they are cojones – the testicles of the bull killed in the local bu...

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An individual walks into a restaurants, orders and eats his meal

"That'll be $13.45." says the waiter.

The individual pulls out a $50 bill.

"Sorry, we've had issues with counterfeit money lately. Do you have any smaller bills?" asks the waiter.

"Sure, no problem.." The individual pulls out a $25 bill, pays with it and leaves.

What do you call a waiter with no teeth?

A dentured servant.

After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.



"Certainly," he replied.



I said, "Why did you just eat my food?"

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