A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.

He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!” 
The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

a roman citizen walks into a bar raises two fingers and says to the waiter,

“five beers, please”

A vegan enters a restaurant and asks the waiter for advice what to order.

"A taxi."

When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepare their chicken.

"Nothing special", he explained. "We just tell them they're going to die."

A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, “I want a grilled ... cheese.”

The waiter says, “What’s with the pause?”

“What do you mean?” The bear replies. “I am a bear!”

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A restaurant patron drops his spoon on the floor and asks the waiter for a new one.

The waiter immediately reaches into his apron and pulls out a new spoon and gives it to the customer.

The table finishes their meal and the waiter comes to drop the check. The man who had earlier dropped his spoon says to the waiter, "Hey, that was pretty impressive that you were able to giv...

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Attractive women sits in a dark bar when the waiter beings over a drink and motions that its from the gentleman in the corner

The women looks at the man and asks the waiter for a pen and paper. She writes something and sends a note back to the gentleman that had sent the drink.

The gentleman opens the note and it reads:

For me to be able to accept this drink and come and enjoy it with you there are a few th...

A couple walk into a Chinese restaurant and were greeted by an Asian waiter who had an accent.

He escorted them through the restaurant and the couple picked out a table to sit at. But, just as they were about to sit, the waiter said in his accent, "It is forbidden.". The couple asked why was the table forbidden. The waiter repeated, "It is forbidden.". The couple were growing annoyed, but th...

"Waiter, this bread tastes like Marijuana"

"It was baked this morning"

A man ordered the soup at a restaurant and asked the waiter to try it...

Man: Waietr, will you try the soup?

Waiter: What’s wrong Sir, is it too cold?

Man: Will you just try the soup.

Waiter: Is it too hot?

Man: Will you just try the soup

Waiter: Is it too spicy, Sir?

Man: Will you just try the damned soup son

Waiter: If t...

After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.



"Certainly," he replied.



I said, "Why did you just eat my food?"

A man is sitting in a restaurant. He calls the waiter over.

Man: Waiter, my soup is cold.

Waiter: It’s gazpacho.

Man: Gazpacho, my soup is cold.

Why did the restaurant staff deem the waiters absence due to depression to be a technical issue?

Because their servers were down.

Just got a new job as a waiter.

The pay isn’t great, but it puts food on the table.

Waiter! These potatoes taste powdery.

Yes sir. We use only the finest ingredients.

Waiter! Why does my dessert have a shoe print in it?

Sir, you did say "Apple pie and step on it!"

A posh guy walks into a restaurant and demands the waiter to serve him a chicken from Suffolk

The waiter says "Very well! Take a seat, sir! I shall check with the chef and see what we have to offer."

So the waiter goes to the kitchen and after asking for a chicken from Suffolk the chef looks at him with a strange face. He hands him a random cooked chicken and tells him to bring that ...

A man says to his waiter, ‘Excuse me sir, this coffee is cold’

The waiter replies, ‘Thanks for telling me. I’ll make a note on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro more’.

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one? ?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses

“Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup?”

“It appears to be doing the backstroke.”

What do you get when you cross a waiter and a line cook?

A cold meal that tastes like loogies

ME AS AN INDIAN RESTAURANT WAITER:

I can show you how we make our bread, but I'll need to you sign a Naan-Disclosure Agreement first.

My waiter asked for a tip.

Good thing I was circumcised the day before.

So I was in this seafood restaurant and waiter said to me "The special today is octopus but it does take four hours to prepare" "Why is that ?" I asked...

"Well we cook it alive and it keeps on turning the gas off" he said...

Waiter: Sir how do you like your steak?

Sir: Like winning and argument with my wife

Waiter: Rare it is!!

What did the incomplete skeleton say to the restaurant waiter?

"Got any spare ribs?"

No one should ever tip their waiter/waitress

Their job is hard enough without their customers pushing them over.

"Sir, why are you drinking on the floor?" asked the cafe waiter.

"This is ground coffee," I replied.

What did the Italian waiter say to the couple when he forgot their dessert?

"Affogato!"

What did the waiter say to his table of Jewish ladies?

Is anything okay?

What does a waiter say when he gives meat for a vegan

Sorry it was a meat steak.

Say what you want about waiters

But I think they bring a lot to the table

A waiter walks up to a table full of Karens.

And says "Ladies is anything alright?"

I would be a waiter

But I don’t have the patience

Waiter: "How would you like your steak sir?"

Me: "Medium?"

Medium: "I can see it, he wants it well done"

An IVF technician goes to brunch. The waiter asks "how would you like your eggs?" She replies

"ovaries-y"

dining at a Mexican restaurant one day, I saw the chef throw a spice bottle and hit one of the waiters in the head

"Ow! screamed the waiter, "I didn't see that cumin!"

A waiter was serving someone when they dropped a spoon...

So the waiter pulled a spoon out of his top pocket. The man questioned why the waiter had a spoon in his pocket and started eating his dessert. The waiter replied we did a study and it showed that 70% of customers drop spoons so it saves us time having one with us. The customer looked intrigued and ...

Waiter: Sir I have Stewed Liver, Fried Kidney, Boiled Toungue and Frozen Legs.

Dude: Stop listing your problems man. Just give me the menu.

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The waiter's thumb

One day John goes to a restaurant and orders a cup of coffee. The waiter gets it and keeps it on the table. John notices that the waiter had put his thumb in the coffee on the way to his table. He gets irritated and asks the waiter.

Waiter explains, "I have a skin infection on the finger so ...

My waiter just spilled coffee all over me.

I know it was just an accident, but I'm still bitter.

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The Waiter and the Spoon

A married couple decides to brave Covid and eat out for their anniversary at a fancy restaurant. They’ve been ordering Grubhub for months and are excited to support a local business in person. They order soup, but as it arrives, the man accidentally knock his spoon onto the floor with his elbow. To ...

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The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The...

A sandwich walks into a bar and asks the waiter for a beer

The waiter says: "We don't serve food here."

The waiter had a spoon in his pocket

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw t...

Comman thing a Gynaecologist and Waiter working in restaurant have.

Both can smell the stuff but can't eat it.

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.

First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry.


So finally, a second custo...

A man is eating at a restaurant, when he notices there's a spider in his soup. He calls over the waiter and complains.

"I'm deeply sorry, sir" the waiter replies "but the fly asked to take the day off".

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

A man asks the waiter : "Do you serve crabs here?"

"Take a seat. We serve everybody."

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.

A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshiet, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"

Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin ...

Waiter: wine?

Date: I don’t drink

Waiter: water?

Me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

I was very angry when my waiter served me bowl of dust. But then he pointed out, it's written right there on the menu...

"We only use the finest ingredients"

A man from Prague and his friend were playing chess at a restaurant when an Australian waiter interrupts their game.

The waiter says, "have a check, mate. Your Czech mate is about to be in check mate... oh, and here's the cheque, mate."

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.

He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not lookin...

Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”

Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I'd like to see a dessert menu.

I said "No, that's the last thing I want".

So the waiter asked me what I would like as a side dish...

I told her to recommend me a side dish as I had never been to the restaurant before.

She told me they had curried rice, potato wedges or a supersalad.

I told her I'd like the supersalad. She gave me a strange look and asked me the same question again.

I tell her yes, that I woul...

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Why did Adolf Hitler yell at the waiter ?

He hated the juice.

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A man and his wife go out to dinner in a restaurant.

The wife is in the bathroom when the waiter comes to take orders.

He asks the man, "Any idea what she's having?"

The man replies, "Well it's been fifteen minutes, so probably a shit".

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I went for a Chinese last night and got chatting to the waiter.

He told me he lived in Japan during the war and was a Kamikaze pilot and his Code Name was 'Chow Mein'. I said "correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives?"

To which he replied, "Yes but I was Chicken Chow Mein."....

Be nice to your waiters, people.

Now is an especially bad time to have them spit on your food. You never know...

Just went to a BBQ place..

Me: I'll have 6 ribs please

Waiter: We only serve those in quantities of 3, 5, 7, or 13.



Turns out it was prime rib.

I always tip my waiter.

He always looks so surprised when he hits the floor.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-ye...

Waiter: How did you find your food sir??

Waiter: How did you find your food sir??
Me: It was actually good.
Waiter: Well you know exactly that's not what I mean
Me: Well the other waiter told me where you hid it.

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I went to a fancy restaurant. They had a bread waiter who gave me bread. They had a butter waiter who gave me butter.

They had a head waiter as well.

No-Toe Joe was the restaurant's best waiter

Something of a local attraction, he wore flip-flops to show off his signature missing digits. Despite those, however, he was a fast worker, efficient, personable, and a generally great guy. Everyone loved to work with him, and everyone loved being served by him.

Well, almost everyone.

...

The waiter said to me “I just want to let you know that kids eat for free.”

I said “Good! I’ll take a water and some chicken tenders, and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.”

The waiter asked me 'Do you want white or unrefined sugar?'

I said 'It doesn't matter - I'm Ambidextrose.'

Why did the waiter's computer system not work?

Because of a server error.

Went to a really fancy restaurant last night. The water waiter came out and gave me water. The coffee waiter gave me coffee. The wine waiter gave me wine...

I was really happy when the head waiter came out!

Two Karens are having lunch together

The waiter stops by and asks "Is anything okay?"

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".

The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm s...

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order Chicken Surprise

The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He has...

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And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

----------

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

“waiter waiter! what am I eating?”

“It’s called the Tomato Surprise” replies the waiter

“But I don’t see any tomatoes?”

“That’s the surprise”

Waiter: I'm glad you enjoyed your dinner. How did you find the steak?

Person: Super easy, it was right next to the potatoes!

What did snoop dog say to the waiter at Starbucks?

I smoked a lot today

Read that but slowly (Ice mocha latte)

A man comes up to me, a waiter for a restaurant.

'' a crocodile sandwich, please, '' he says '' and make it snappy. ''

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I work as a waiter in a far-right restaurant.

I'm not a Nazi, I just take orders

her: I'll have the salad, no nuts, please.

**waiter:** of course

**me:** it didn’t say it had nuts

**her:** I'm allergic, so I tell them to be safe

**me:** that makes sense

**waiter:** and for you?

**me:** steak, no bees, please.

Donkey Lives Matter

Two terrorists having discussion in a bar. The waiter asks them what the discussion was about? Terrorist :- We are planning to kill 14 thousand people and a donkey.. Waiter :- Why a donkey? Then one terrorist says to the other, "See I told you nobody will care about the 14 thousand people".

A blind man goes to the same.restaurant every night for dinner

Each night he asks the waiter "what's the next special on the list and he orders that except if it's fish he says no
After months of this the waiter asks,
"you never order fish how come?".
"I cant eat fish says the man it's see food"..

A waiter brings dinner to the table

The patron remarks, "Why is your thumb on my steak?"

"I didn't want it to fall on the floor again!"

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A man on a business trip in Spain decides to take in a bull fight

After the event, he stops in to the little restaurant next to the venue called "The Matador". As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants, he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer.

The other customer starts eating what appear to be two large meatballs with great gu...

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A Russian Jew goes into a coffee shop after the fall of the Soviet Union

“Excuse me, waiter, please bring me the most recent edition of Pravda” he asks.

The waiter replies “I’m sorry sir, but the Soviet Union has fallen and Pravda is no longer published”

“Very well, please bring me a coffee then”.

The next day, the Jew comes in again, and again ask...

An old lady walks in a dinner and seats where she can see the cook, and asks the waiter for a hamburger.

He says "ok, hamburger." The old lady sees the cook stick the hamburger meat under his arm and slaps it on the grill. The old lady says,"Oh my God that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!" The waiter says, “That’s nothing you should see how he makes Donuts.

An orthodox Rabbi walks into a restaurant...

It’s not a kosher place, but he thinks “what the hell, why not?” He asks for a seat outside.

He looks at the menu, and decides if he’s gonna eat non-Kosher food, he’s going to do it in the biggest way possible. He orders a whole, roasted suckling pig, complete with multiple sauces and an appl...

Two Karens are out having dinner

The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"

To impress his date, Ron took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered for the both of them. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.



"That's the manager." said the waiter.

Waiter: "What'll you have?"

Me: "I'll have the chameleon."

Waiter: "That's not on the menu."

Me: "How can you be sure?"

What did the British restaurant patron say to his waiter after he finished his meal?

checkmate



just thought of this joke cause i play a lot of chess. how can i work a chess or competition reference into the premise to add more value to the punchline?

How do you pay your waiter if it's a letter of the alphabet?

With a Q-tip.

(Joke courtesy of my 8-year-old son)

A panda walks into a cafe...

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.

"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit.

The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses ...

I went to a restaurant and the waiter said, “Would you like to hear today’s special?”

I said, “Yes please.”

The waiter: “Today is special.”

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A man's at a restaurant in spain and he sees a waiter delivering two huge, round meatballs to the next table.

A man's at a restaurant in spain and he sees a waiter delivering two huge, round meatballs to the next table.
he calls a waiter over and says he wants the same but the waiter says, ah senor, there is only one dish per day, they are the testicles of the bull killed at the bullfight today
the ma...

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the waiter

So a customer says to the waiter, "I'm a vegetarian, I'm allergic to gluten, I don't eat carbs, I'm lactose intolerant, and I'm allergic to nuts. What should I get?"

And the waiter says, "... the fuck out."

What did the impatient vegetarian say to the waiter?

Get me a soup! And make it snap pea!

Han Solo goes to a restaurant and orders a steak. The waiter asked how tender he’d like his steak to be.

Han said “Make it Chewie.”

Waiter: Sorry about your weight

Client: Oh, no it wasn't long at all
(waiter giggles)

A man is at a restaurant.

A man is at a restaurant and orders some soup. However, after he gets the soup he calls the waiter back. “Waiter, try this soup!” he says. “What, is it bad?” the waiter asks. “Just try it!” “I can send it back...” “Just try the goddam soup!” “Okay,” the waiter says “Where’s the spoon?” “A-ha!” the m...

Did you hear about the waiter that got his finger stuck in the dishwasher?!

The boss fired them both.

Why did the pregnant woman refuse to tip the waiter?

Because the tip was the reason she got pregnant in the first place.

The T-Rex waiters and waitresses at the restaurant seemed really stressed out

I guess they must have been short-handed

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Every French waiter is an asshole to me, saying I have a small penis

They keep telling me "boner petite"

Batman order a drink. Waiter asks, "Pepsi or Coke?"

Batman responds, "Just ice."

The waiter says: Sorry, we don't serve particles faster than light.

A superluminal particle walks into a bar.

How to Order Soup

A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, "I think I will have the turtle soup."
The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter, "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"

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The Pope goes into a steakhouse

A waiter immediately rushes up to him, but before he can say anything the Pope holds up his hand. "Please," says the Pope, "no fuss. I just wanted to slip away for a few hours and enjoy some good food." And the waiter gives him a nod and says, "No problem, let's find you a quiet seat at the back whe...

Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.

"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.

"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks. I'll put it in my colleg...

A waiter is working and sees Jesus come in

Waiter: “Hello sir, welcome to our restaurant! What can I get for you?”

Jesus: “Hello Matthew. Today I would like a steak please.”

Waiter: “How did you... oh right, you’re Jesus! Duh. Anyways, how would you like that?”

Jesus: “Well done, good and faithful servant”

There were 2 best friends

They had messed up their last minute cooking plan and decided to go out for dinner. By the time they reached the restaurant, they realised that they both forget their wallets.

The first guy said "I can't really go back to my house now because I live in an apartment and the folks would be slee...

Back Alley Memories

I was reminded me of an old joke from another Reddit post:
A very elderly couple is seated at a table in a bar. The woman looks over to the man, holding his hand and says, "Do you remember meeting me for the first time right here 50 years ago?"
The husband replies, "Yes dear."
The wi...

I went to a vegetarian restaurant and the waiter asked, "How was your meal, sir?"

"It was very nice. My compliments to the gardener."

What do you call it when a waiter brings you the wrong meal?

A server error

[Long] A man goes into a hotel with a built-in restaurant

He checks in, goes to his room to read, then he goes to the restaurant and sits on one of the central tables.

He then orders the meal and waits for it, but he also notices that the waiter seems to always serve guests who are sitting near the room's walls.

The man gets a bit irritated...

The waiter came by and grated cheese for me

I told him I was grateful

Donald and Melania Trump walk into a restaurant

They sit at a table and peruse the menu, and the waiter comes over.

“Good afternoon, can I take your order please?”

“Can I have the chocolate fudge dessert, and Melania will have the sorbet”

“Just desserts Mr President?”

“Yes, Just Desserts”

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