I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

Three Jewish women are eating lunch. The waiter comes over and says...

is anything okay?

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Why did Adolf Hitler yell at the waiter ?

He hated the juice.

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman.

He noticed her sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman seated over there'
..... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not lookin...

Polite waiter

Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”
\-
Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”

I went to a restaurant and the waiter said, “Would you like to hear today’s special?”

I said, “Yes please.”

The waiter: “Today is special.”

I applied for a waiter job in a neighbourhood restaurant

Guessed i got the job because i’m still waiting for their response

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the waiter

So a customer says to the waiter, "I'm a vegetarian, I'm allergic to gluten, I don't eat carbs, I'm lactose intolerant, and I'm allergic to nuts. What should I get?"

And the waiter says, "... the fuck out."

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

What did the impatient vegetarian say to the waiter?

Get me a soup! And make it snap pea!

An old lady walks in a dinner and seats where she can see the cook, and asks the waiter for a hamburger.

He says "ok, hamburger." The old lady sees the cook stick the hamburger meat under his arm and slaps it on the grill. The old lady says,"Oh my God that is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!" The waiter says, “That’s nothing you should see how he makes Donuts.

The waiter said to me “I just want to let you know that kids eat for free.”

I said “Good! I’ll take a water and some chicken tenders, and my daughter will have a steak and a kids Bud Light.”

Two Aussie chess players are finishing lunch. One makes a move for the waiter..

"Check, mate?"

What did the British restaurant patron say to his waiter after he finished his meal?

checkmate



just thought of this joke cause i play a lot of chess. how can i work a chess or competition reference into the premise to add more value to the punchline?

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A man's at a restaurant in spain and he sees a waiter delivering two huge, round meatballs to the next table.

A man's at a restaurant in spain and he sees a waiter delivering two huge, round meatballs to the next table.
he calls a waiter over and says he wants the same but the waiter says, ah senor, there is only one dish per day, they are the testicles of the bull killed at the bullfight today
the ma...

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Every French waiter is an asshole to me, saying I have a small penis

They keep telling me "boner petite"

Why are waiters in Mexican restaurants so nosy?

Because they get jalapeno business!

My waiter once brought me the wrong order

I guess that was a server error

Han Solo goes to a restaurant and orders a steak. The waiter asked how tender he’d like his steak to be.

Han said “Make it Chewie.”

Batman order a drink. Waiter asks, "Pepsi or Coke?"

Batman responds, "Just ice."

I was in the downtown last night thinking about having a dinner and went to a nearby restaurant. I asked the waiter, "I don't eat eggs, meat, fish, dairy or gluten. What would you recommend?"

He said a taxi.

A waiter is working and sees Jesus come in

Waiter: “Hello sir, welcome to our restaurant! What can I get for you?”

Jesus: “Hello Matthew. Today I would like a steak please.”

Waiter: “How did you... oh right, you’re Jesus! Duh. Anyways, how would you like that?”

Jesus: “Well done, good and faithful servant”

A bear walked into a restaurant and looks at the waiter and says “I’d like a grilled ................cheese.”.

The waiter said, “what’s with the big pause?”.

He said, “I’m a bear!”

I went to a vegetarian restaurant and the waiter asked, "How was your meal, sir?"

"It was very nice. My compliments to the gardener."

The T-Rex waiters and waitresses at the restaurant seemed really stressed out

I guess they must have been short-handed

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What did the waiter ask the group of dining Jewish mothers?

"Pardon me ladies, but is ANYTHING all right?"


(Shabbat Shalom my fellow Jews of the Jokes sub!)

I dislike my job as a waiter.

But it puts food on the table.

Waiter: "What'll you have?"

Me: "I'll have the chameleon."

Waiter: "That's not on the menu."

Me: "How can you be sure?"

The waiter asked for a tip, which I thought was...

...gratuitous

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

Waiter: Sorry about your weight

Client: Oh, no it wasn't long at all
(waiter giggles)

Waiter: “And how would you like your steak cooked?” Me: “ Like winning an argument with my wife.”

Waiter: “Rare it is.”

A panda bear walks into a bar...

A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The panda eats the sandwich, whips out a pistol, and shoots the waiter dead. As he is walking towards the exit, the bartender yells “HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING? YOU DIDNT PAY FOR THAT SANDWICH AND YOU JUST SHOT MY WAITER!”

The panda bear just...

The waiter came by and grated cheese for me

I told him I was grateful

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What is the difference between a toilet bowl and a waiter?

The toilet bowl serves only one asshole at a time.

-

And yes, I know it is the joke number 9723442 in the list. However, after eating tonight very good food in a proper Italian restaurant next to a family group that would probably be excellent in performing the duelling banjos, I just ...

Waiter: Can I take your name and order?

Man: I'm Jon and I'll have a coke

Waiter: We only serve Pepsi I'm afraid

Man: Oh ok I'm Pepsi and I'll have a coke

Waiter: ok man

- Waiter! Is this a beef or pork steak?

\- Can't you tell by the taste of it?

\- No!

\- Then why do you care?

Client: Waiter, please come taste my soup.

Waiter: Is there anything wrong with it sir? Want me to take it back to the chef?

Client: No, I just want you to taste my soup.

Waiter: But there's no spoon on the table.

Client: Exactly!

A tourist in Paris tells the waiter: Pardon me, but this coffee is cold!

The waiter replies: Thanks for letting me know, I’ll make a note of it on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro extra.

While I was in Germany I asked the waiter to bring me some Juice but without ice.

I got a plate of ash.

Waiter: Don't any of you guys have smaller bills?

Pa pelican: [dignified] We're as God made us, Sir

I ordered a coffee and it tasted awful. I called the waiter over and said "This coffee tastes like mud!"

They replied: Thank you sir, it's fresh ground! "

Waiter! Waiter! There's a fly in my soup!

Well, that's the last time we get the tailor to cook the food.

There was a waiter in Alabama who asked a table for their order

The waiter says “what do you and your girlfriend want to eat tonight”.
The man replies “oh she’s my sister”
The waiter tells him he’s really sorry for assuming they were a couple but the man says “it’s fine, you weren’t that far off, she’s my wife too"

Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.

"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.

"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks. I'll put it in my colleg...

Hey, waiter, there is a hair in my dinner! This is disgusting.

What are you eating, sir?

Rump roast.

“Waiter, bring me some toothpicks”

“You’ll have to wait a minute. They’re currently all being used”

I enjoy working with waiters

they bring a lot to the table

Did you hear about the waiter that got his finger stuck in the dishwasher?!

The boss fired them both.

The waiter gave me a ribeye that I didn’t order

It was a mis-steak

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A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called...

A man gets fired by his boss

He turns in his gun and badge and goes to walk out.

His boss looks at him and says, "you're a waiter, where the hell did you get those?"

I once had a very annoying conversation with a waiter in a restaurant about the wifi.

Turns out the password was "sorrysirwedonthavewifi"

Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

I was in an Eskimo restaurant the other day, and the waiter said .......

"We´ve got whale meat, or whale meat, or the Vera Lynn Special."
I asked him what was in the Vera Lynn Special?
He said "whale meat again".

Why do waiters love serving hardworking people?

Because they always give a hundred and ten percent

The waiter asked me if I wanted any herbs on my food

But I don't have the thyme for that

I like my waiters like I like my cows.

Tipped

”Waiter! What is that bug doing in my salad?”

”Trying to find a way out, sir.”

I am a waiter.

I wait for bus at bus stand daily while going to college

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

A spider sits at a restaurant and calls the waiter

“Excuse me!” There’s a fly in my soup! My compliments to the chef!

So I said, "As a matter of fact I do. Why does...

Donald Duck walk around all day with no pants on, but after he takes a shower he puts a towel around his waist?" And the waiter said, "No I meant do you have any questions about our menu."

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria...

A North American Elk walks into a pizzeria and sits at an empty table while he waits for the waiter. The waiter hands him a menu and the Elk ponders for a bit. He's not really in the mood for pizza, so he narrows it down to pasta. The Elk is finally ready to order, so he calls for the waiter. The wa...

What did the waiter say to the Aussie chess player after he finished his meal?

Here's your cheque mate.

The waiter says: Sorry, we don't serve particles faster than light.

A superluminal particle walks into a bar.

Waiter:"There's basically everything on our menu"

Customer:"I see. Now, would you please bring me a cleaner one?"

Did you hear about the waiter who became a manager?

He worked his way up the food chain.

Why did the chess player get tense in a diner?

Because the waiter said "Check".

I went to a Chinese restaurant and the waiter asked me if I enjoyed my meal.

I told him the chicken was rubbery and he said "thank you".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a restaurant, one of the diners notices that the waiter carries a teaspoon in the pocket of his jacket

He looks at the other waiters and sees that all of them carry teaspoons in the pocket of their jackets. He asks the waiter about it:

"Excuse me, could you tell me why do you carry a teaspoon in your pocket?"

"Well, it has been shown that the teaspoons are the piece which falls most oft...

Last night I went to a restaurant and noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

I looked around and saw all the waiters had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came I inquired, "Why do you place the spoon in your pocket?"

He explained, "The boss hired Accenture Consulting to re-engineer our processes. They discovered the spoon was the most frequently dropped ...

Waiter: "Sorry Sir, we don't have any frozen water."

Me: "Noice."

A group of friends are eating dinner at a restaurant

They are surprised to realize that their waiter is a duck, however service was good so they couldn't complain. They ask for the check and it comes to decide who pays what. One of them speaks up and says, "I'll foot the bill!" He then proceeds to kick the waiter in the face.

(As the group runs...

A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.

The waiter says: Nothing special, we just flat out tell 'em they're gonna die."

A waiter served me some rare steak

But when I told him "I like it well done", he said "thank you".

My dwarf friend got fired from his low paying waiter job.

He was struggling to put food on the table.

What do you call an Englishman holding a bottle of champagne after a World Cup?

A waiter

Waiter: Sir, tip?

Me: Drink 8 glasses of water daily

Three Friends Are Arguing

Three friends are arguing about who gets the most tips at work.

Guy 1, a waiter: "Oh I get a healthy tip from almost every table, I reckon I make about 200 dollars in tips on a busy night."

Guy 2, a valet: "Pshh, that's nothing; I get a healthy tip every time I park a car, I probably a...

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Gordon Ramsey: excuse me waiter, are these icecubes fresh?

Waiter: uhm no, they’re frozen
Gordon: FUCKIN HELL!

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

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Two men walked into a Chinese restaurant and sat down to eat. To pass the time, they started talking about different countries and major religions.

"Hey Sam. You ever wondered whether there are any Jews in China?" one man asked his buddy.
"Whoa I never thought of that. Lets ask our waiter He's Chinese."

So they called the waiter and asked. "So we were curious. Are there any Chinese Jews?" one man asked.
The waiter looked confused ...

What is sitting in a tree and makes "Haa Haaa"?

An owl with a speech impediment.

\-------------

Dentist to the patient: This might hurt now a bit

Patient: Don't worry

Dentist: Ok... I'm having an affair with your wife!

\------------

Wife to husband: You look aweful with these new glasses

Husband: B...

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

A panda walks into a cáfe.

He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and unloads it into the ceiling.

“Why?” Asks the confused waiter, as the panda starts leaving. He tosses a wildlife manual over his shoulder.

“I’m a panda,” he says at the door, “look it up.”

The waiter flips to the page about pa...

Trump and Putin are out to dinner. The waiter asks Putin what he would like to order. "I'll have the steak," Putin says. The waiter says, "And for your vegetable?"

"He'll have the steak, too."

Manager: So why do you think you can become a good waiter

Me: You could say I bring a lot to the table

One Cuban woman complains to another:

He was such a liar! He said he was a waiter at a resort...turns out he’s nothing more than a neurosurgeon.

A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining

And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

I went to a Hare Krishna restaurant because word was out that they had the best steak in town

I had a wonderful meal and true to reputation, the steak was indeed phenomenal. As I finished, the waiter brought the bill in a little folder so I put $100 in to pay. He promptly took it to the register while I waited patiently for my change. Fifteen minutes later I'm still waiting so I call the ...

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Boy: It seems to me you are really cute and funny

Girl: It seems to me you just wanna have sex with me

Boy:... And smart, as well.

Girl: *Blushes*

Boy: But not smart enough as to check your drink

Girl: *Passes out*

Boy: *Passes out*

Waiter: Neither do you...

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked...

"How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my sex," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?"

The diner had been waiting a long time for his meal and was on the point of walking out when the waiter appeared.

"I must apologize for the delay, sir," said the waiter, "but your fish will be coming in a minute."

The diner replied coldly: "What bait are you using?"

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What's the difference between a waiter and a proctologist?

A proctologist only has to deal with one asshole at a time

A man is dining in a restaurant and he turns to the waiter.

"Waiter, waiter. What is this I am eating?"

The waiter says: "It's bean soup, sir."

"I don't care what it has been, I want to know what it is."

Chemist 1 and Chemist 2 walk into a bar

A waiter comes round and asks them what they would like

Chemist 1: I’ll have some H20 please

Chemist 2: I’ll have some h20 too

Chemist one smiles, knowing his assasination was a success

A guy goes to a restaurant

He sees the lady beside him really enjoys his food, and tells the waiter: "I'll take what she's having"

The waiter replies: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm pretty sure she wants that for herself".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife go on a date to a new restaurant...

They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day. When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor. "Whoops" he says and turns to the waiter "I'm terribly sorry but could I have another..." the waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top ...

What did the Australian waiter say to the chessplayer when he gave him the bill

Check mate

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A man walks into a restaurant with a rooster under his arm.

A limousine stops before a restaurant and a well dressed man steps out, with a rooster under his arm.

After he's shown to a private table, he puts the rooster on the table and orders every item on the menu.

Flabbergasted, the waiter asks: "Excuse me sir, but are you sure you want all t...

(long) a blind joke.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a Spanish restaurant

An American man walks into a Spanish restaurant and sits down. As he is sat there he sees lots of bull heads on the walls and costumes of matadors in the restaurant.

The waiter walks past and the American asks him “why do you have all these pictures and bulls heads up?”

The Spanish wa...

A Vegan Couple at a Restaurant : Hey waiter, We're vegan! What should we get?

Waiter : A taxi.

“Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!”

The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”

Waiter: Tea or coffee, gentlemen?

1st customer: I’ll have tea.
2nd customer: Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?

What’s the difference between a waiter and a tennis scorekeeper?

One sets the tables and one tables the sets

Whilst dining out yesterday evening I called the waiter over, "Waiter, there's a problem with my salad...

...I feel it needs a dressing"

When the waiter brought my order he had his thumb in my steak

So I yelled at him, "I don't want your finger touching my food!" So he asks me, "Would you rather it fall on the floor again?"

I lost my job as a waiter when I served one of the customers his food.

On the downside, I got chicken all over my tennis racket.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A CEO, a white worker, and a black worker are sitting at a table.

A waiter comes in with a plate with a dozen cupcakes. Before the plate hits the table, the CEO reaches over, takes 11 cupcakes from the plate, and stuffs then in his jacket. Then he leans over to the white worker and whispers in his ear
"That black man is looking looking at your cupcake".

Two Jewish guys go to a Kosher Chinese restaurant.

Their Chinese waiter greeted them in Yiddish, took their order in Yiddish, made small talk with them in Yiddish, gave their order in Yiddish, and took their bill in Yiddish.

On their way out, the two guys tell the restaurant owner what a pleasant surprise it was for them be able to talk with ...

My nephew asked me how I felt about cow tipping.

I told him I could not remember the last time I had a cow waiter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter over. "I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now," he says.

The waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies "Excuse me, sir, would you refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke says "Are you the chicken fucking manager of this bastard joint?" "Yes sir, I am", ...

Husband: "Waiter, my wife spilled her water".

Waiter: "No problem, I'll get you another one".
Husband: "Make sure the next one likes sports".

Waiter: What else can I get for the lovely couple?

Girl: Oh gosh, haha no, we're just friends.

Guy: You can get us two checks.

Girl: Excuse me?

Guy: Also please don't forget she had 2 soda refills, I know you guys charge extra.

After my mother’s funeral, we all went for lunch at an Indian restaurant. When the waiter came to check that we had everything on our order he noticed my daughter crying.

He asked me what was wrong, I told him she was just missing her nan.

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