Three people are stranded in the desert. One has a canteen, another has a flare gun, and the last one has a car door.

They ask the first person, "Why did you bring a canteen?"

The first person responds, "So we can fill it up with water and use it to drink."

They ask the second person, "Why did you bring a flare gun?"

The second person responds, "So I can send a distress signal and someone can f...

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court-martial long

I was an M.P in the British army for a number of years.
We get called Red Caps.


I was passing through the Canteen, Mess, food, hall.

I had to arrest 2 chefs and bring them before the court marshall.
Turned quite violent.


I got bruised and worse.

...

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You go hiking with your best friend Terry. Both of you get lost, and Terry is mauled to death by a bear.

You bury Terry in a shallow grave and try to find your way back to civilization. However you end up walking in circles and days later, you find yourself at the exact same spot.

By this time, you've exhausted your supply of water and are severely dehydrated. Then you realize that Terry was ...

Vera Lynn used to work at an Arctic research station. She wrote a protest song about the lack of variety in the staff canteen.

Whale meat again?

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Have you ever wondered how the butterfly got it’s name?

Here’s a little story on how the butterfly got it’s name.

A long time ago there were two old drunks who wandered out into a field and had sat down on an old stump. As they are sitting there they have a canteen of whiskey and they are passing it back and forth. Soon enough both men are very dr...

I get really grumpy when the work canteen has Soylent Green on the menu.

I'm really not a people person.

Snakebite

Two buddies were riding their horses through the wilderness when they stopped by a creek to fill their canteens. While Joe crouched down, Clyde went downstream to take a leak.
"Tarantion!" Clyde shouted, "that there rattler done bit me on the weener!"
Joe shot the snake dead and told Clyde...

A man dies and goes to hell

There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He told, "First they put you in an electric chair♨ for an hour.

Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the German devil...

The professor and student

The professor goes to the university canteen for lunch, a student sits across from him at the same table.
The professor gets annoyed with him and said: "A pig and bird do not eat together".
Student: "I apologize. Then I'll fly to another table".
The professor is very frustrated about the...

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A cowboy rides in to town

A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a d...

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This guy walked up to the counter and said 'Burger and chips please,'

'Certainly sir,' I replied. 'Are you eating in or taking out?'

'Fuck off you cunt,' he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

A redhead, brunette and blonde woman are walking aimlessly through an endless desert

The redhead said to the others, "I'm glad we all were smart and brought one item that will help us stay safe if we get lost in the desert. I brought a big canteen of water as mine. If I get thirsty, I'll have that to drink."

The brunette then chimes in and says, "great idea! For my one item, ...

A man was in the supermarket buying snacks for lunchtime when he saw a new babybel cheese with multi-colour wax.

The type of cheese wasn't labelled but he decided to try it anyway and found he really liked it. However, he couldn't decipher what cheese it was so he bought another one the next day.

The next day he yet again enjoyed it but still couldn't figure out what it was. His friend said he liked c...

UN was recruting new soldiers so a German, American and Chinese guy applied.

To get accepted they had to pass some tests.
The first test was infront of a forest.
The UN officer yells to the german: bring us some wood.

He runs into the forest and after half an hour he returns with hands full of branches and planks.

After that the officer yells to the Amer...

Five cannibals

Five cannibals are hired as employees in a company.
Their first day at the company the boss tells them:
- Now you are part of the group, here you earn well, and if you are hungry you can go to the company canteen. So please, do not bother other employees!
The cannibals promise not to distur...

I got a new job working in a cafeteria. I asked the guy I was serving if he wanted to eat in or takeaway and he told me to f*ck off!

I love working in the prison canteen!

A Redhead, a brunette, and a Blonde...

Three girls go on a trip to see the desert. The Redhead says "hey we should bring stuff to keep us cool because the desert can get really hot." Everyone agrees so they so pick it something they feel will keep them cool in the desert heat. "what did you guys bring, I brought a wide brimmed hat to kee...

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Will that be dine-in or take away?

A bloke walked up to the counter and said "Burger & Chips thanks "

"Certainly sir" I said. "Will that be dine-in or take away?"

"Piss of ya bastard" he snapped before storming off with the food

I love working in the Prison Canteen!

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A new young monk comes to the monastery.

A new young monk comes to the monastery. An elderly monk shows him around the monastery and says:

- There's a library here. You can use it whenever you like, except Thursday.

They go to the sauna.

- This is our sauna. You can use it whenever you like, except Thursday.

The...

A guy orders a burger and chips.

“I’ll have a burger and chips please” says a guy.

“Are you eating in or do you want it takeaway?” I ask.

“Get f*cked c*nt!” Says the guy as he grabs his food and walks away.

I love working in the prison canteen.

A plane crashes in the desert...

The only survivors are a white guy, a black guy, and an Asian guy.

The black guys say to the others "We need food, water, and supplies if we're gonna survive out here. I'll go try to find us some water," and he wanders off.

The white guy says to the Asian guy."I guess I'll go look for ...

3 men set out to travel across the desert

3 men are traveling across the desert and decide they’ll all only take one item to travel light. Man 1 is carrying a canteen, man 2 is carrying a lunch box, and man 3 is carrying just the door from his car.
Man 2 asks man 1 “what’s in your canteen?” He says “water. We get about a mile through thi...

a young lady in a purity group is on a flight that crashes in the desert...

as she's wandering she sees an oasis off the horizon! as she's running to it she comes across two men.



they speak little English but understand enough to know what happened to her. so, one of the men offers her his canteen of water.


she says "oh bless you! but I ...

Three explorers are captured by a local tribe.

Three explorers are captured by a local tribe. And the elder tells them we are going to kill you, skin you, and make canoes from your skin. But first we are going to give you a chance. Each of you may request one item from your supplies and we will give you a 1 hour head start before sending out ...

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Mexican Smuggler

A man on a bike, carrying two sacks on his shoulders, was stopped by a customs officer while crossing the US-Mexican border. "What's in the bags?" asked the guard. "Sand," the cyclist replied. "Get them off. We need to take a look." The officer emptied the bags and found out they contained nothing b...

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The Lonely Rig Worker

An oil rig mechanic returns to his cabin after his shift and discovers his cabinmate sitting on the edge of his bunk, his feet in a basin, hastily scraping a razor over his soaped-up legs.

"Um, hey, what are you up to?" asks the mechanic.

"I was talking to old Joe in the canteen today,...

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