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I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..

He said yeah but it’s rare.

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What's the difference between an epileptic chef at an oyster bar and a hooker with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits

The other fucks between shits

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way.
We cannoli do so much.
His legacy will be a pizza history.

I'm thinking about opening up a Swedish restaurant but my chef isn't actually Swedish

Do you think anyone will notice I'm using an artificial Swedener on my food?

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Sending olive my prayers to the family. His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it. You never sausage a tragic thing.

I just fired my sioux chef because I found out he lied on his resume.

Turns out he's navajo.

Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?

He was making up for lost thyme.

Thank you, thank you. I'll just show myself out now.

*Wow, thanks! I was expecting a much chilier reception, but your warm comments have kept those fears at bay (that's what you get for encouraging me :)*

What is a chef's favorite gun?

A-salt-rifle

I'll show myself out

A chef went to a dentist

He'd recently had a new plate implanted and felt some pain in the area.

Upon examination, the dentist stated "the acrylic is starting to deteriorate. Tell me, have you been eating a lot of Hollandaise sauce?"

"Yes," said the chef "it's a favorite. Is that bad?"

"Well," explain...

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Three chefs were stuck on a deserted island.

They were completely out of food and about to starve to death so they decide they need to start eating each other.

First one of them cuts off his own hand. He marinades it in sea salt and then cooks it over a hot fire. The results are exquisite.

"Wonderfully crispy, just like my mother...

I used to be on of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot

But then I discovered oven mitts

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive

Why did the Italian chef get an award?

Because he pasta test!

What was the chef arrested for?

>!For a salt and batter!<

What kind of car does a famous sushi chef drive?

>!A rolls rice.!<

An italian pastry chef was injured at work this friday

We Cannoli hope he makes a full recovery.

Chef Tips

A chef walks into a bar, orders dinner and watches an episode of Hell's Kitchen on the bar TV. "You know, I used to be one of those chefs that yelled and shouted all the time," the bartender comments. "And then I discovered oven mitts."

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta-way.

What's an Italian chef's favorite speech?

Spaghettysburg address.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.

It's a whisk I was willing to take.

I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue.

I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.

What do you call it when a Jamaican chef cooks Hawaiian food?

Poké, mon!

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I feel bad for chefs.

They work so hard but everything they make turns to shit.

What would a sous chef's last words be?

"I wish I had more thyme"

Why did the chef philosopher always put mushrooms in every dish that he made?

He claimed it was a morel imperative.

Chefs don't tell yo mama jokes

They tell umami jokes.

Why did the chef move to Chicago?

He wanted to live in "Cook" County

Why did the chef taunt the musician?

The chef had a better beet.

A guy goes into a restaurant for lunch.

After careful consideration, he decides he will have a bowl of the day's soup. The waiter praises him for his decision.

"Ah, excellent choice. The chef makes the soup fresh each day from only the freshest, locally-sourced ingredients. It is completely organic, and there are no additives or pr...

My wife stopped me from taking my first bite at the restaurant, saying that we need to pray first.

"Nah, there's no need" I replied.

"But why?" she asked. "We always pray at home when I cook dinner."

"Because I think we'll be fine here, the chef knows what he's doing."

What did the sushi chef say to the bee?

Wasabi (like what’s up bee).

I was watching Australian Master Chef last night...

Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...

I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue

Arnold Schwarzenegger is now a chef

With his own restaurant, so i managed to get hired in the kitchen to be near the awesomeness. But every time i ask him what he wants me to do he always says the same thing: get to da choppah!

Why did the French chef stuff snails into his gas tank?

Because it makes escargot.

Why wouldn’t the Italian chef’s car start?

Because he had gnocchis.

The Queen of France is asked by her chef what she would like her and the rest of the court to eat for dinner

"I would like to eat cheese", she said.

"Which kind of cheese?", asked the chef?

"I would like soft French cheese with garlic and herbs", replied the queen. "And there is one more thing I must insist on".

"Anything my Queen. What is it?", replied the chef.

"It is very im...

What do you call a Asian chef, who got zombified?

Dead man wok-ing

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How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?

He spent his day cutting up vegetables

A cannibal top chef is mostly known for..

his secret handshake.

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A waiter takes an order from a customer who asks for half a Caesar salad.

The waiter says "Well, we have a small and a large, would you like the small?"

The customer says, "No, I don't want a small or a large. I want HALF a Caesar salad. Why is that so hard?"

The waiter says "Ok.... let me go check with the chef." The waiter walks off toward the kitchen, but...

What do you call a chef who's also a lawyer?

A sous chef

What’s an Indian chef’s favorite bread?

That’s naan of your concern.

What is a chefs favorite earth spell?

Cast iron

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A man walked into a bar and bet the bartender he could amaze him

The bartender says “I’ll take that bet!” and slaps down $20

The man reached into his pocket and pulls out a really small chef. This little chef starts cooking some food.

The bartender says “Wow! He’s got to be less than a foot tall! I am amazed” and gives the man his 20

The bart...

My son has started an apprenticeship chef role at a Michelin starred Indian restaurant in London.

On his first day they showed him how to make the perfect Indian flat bread. He said he can't tell me the recipe though.

Apparently he had to sign a naan disclosure agreement.

Famous Egyptian 19th Dynasty chef

Gordon Ramses II

Why should you never mess with an Italian pastry chef?

Because he'll beat the foccacia.

Why does an Irish chef only add 239 beans to his soup?

[In a thick Irish accent] Because one more would be too farty!

A chef sits down with his son, who just turned eighteen

Dad: son, I believe you are ready to learn the secret to a perfect meal
Son: are you really sure I'm ready
Dad: yes son, it's thyme

Why did the Hipster Chef burn his tongue?

He ate his food before it was cool.

Thinking about starting a cooking website for chefs of all cuisines and ethnic tastes to show their skills.

Going to call it OnlyPans.

How many chef do you need to solve world hunger?

Depends on how you cook them

My friend is a Magician & a Chef.

The food is TA! DA! for.

A chef I know just boiled up a chicken carcass with seasoning, vegetables and nitrous oxide.

I told him he's made himself a laughing stock.

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Life of a chef must suck.

All your work eventually turns to shit.

Why are zombies great chefs?

They can REALLY put their heart into things

A guru of a chef once gave me invaluable tips regarding herbs.

It was sage advice.

Why do Beginner Chefs cook only Asian food?

They need to Wok before they can run.

I ordered a bit of meat from the chef.

The waiter said they don’t serve cannibals.

The heart and soul of a chef

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and dinner. After a few bites of his meal, he calls the bartender over. "Normally the food here is great," the guys says. "But tonight it is really cold and bitter." "Sorry about that. My wife is doing the cooking tonight," the bartender says. "She's really p...

Did you hear about the Asian cuisine chef that dropped a dumpling on the floor?

He was charged with wonton endangerment.

A chef decides he wants to leave the chef orgy he was attending

I guess his thyme had cum

An engineer, chef, and a mathematician go out drinking

To their favorite bar and grill. Well they're having some drinks and laughing when a fire starts behind the bar.

Seeing the staff panicking, the engineer quickly calculates exactly how much water he'll need to put it out and runs in the back for a bucket.

The chef, from his own experie...

Why did the police officer arrest the chef?

For beating the eggs and whipping the cream.

A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested.

He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.

The Master Chef

A master chef brags to another man that he has at long last created the perfect dish. A dish so delicious that no man alive could resist it culinary divinity.

The man asks how such a dish is possible.

The chef responds that the secret is his artfully crafted blend of herbs and spices t...

What do a cowboy, chef, and a dom all have in common?

They must whip it, whip it good.

What did the dying chef say to his assistant?

I’m running out of thyme.

The world’s best dentist and the world’s worst pastry chef walk into a bar.

Being friends of the owner, he pours them both a drink and sits them down to catch up.

“How was your birthday?” He asks the dentist.

“It was like pulling teeth” he says with a smile.

Then the owner turns to the pastry chef.

“How was your divorce?”

“It was as easy a...

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

Why was the chef locked out of his kitchen?

Because he had gnocchi.

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I phoned a Chinese restaurant. A guy answered and said "Hello, I'm Wang King the chef"

I said "Don't worry, l'll call back later when you're not busy "

What do you call the salad of an epileptic chef?

A seizure salad.

Why did the ex-military chef fire his waitstaff?

They weren’t good at taking hors d'oeuvres.

A chef sees a plate on the floor.

He storms to his coworker. The coworker looks at him with a grin.

"What's wrong with you?"

"With my own two hands, I caused a dishaster!"

What do you give an abusive pasta chef who always serves wet noodles?

A re-straining order.

Last year there was a mix up at my local Chinese restaurant. The chef used Daffodil bulbs instead of onions in the chow mein and four people were hospitalised over the Christmas period.

Luckily they came out beautifully in the spring.

I have searched the world over for a chef who can make eggs Benedict like mama used to.

But there's no place like home for the hollandaise.

What did the chef say when he cooked up moose meat instead of beef?

"Oh no! I've made a huge MooseSteak!"

What did the french chef have for breakfast before he killed himself?

He had un oeuf.

Did you ever hear about the mute Thai chef?

He could wok the wok but not talk the talk.

Did you hear about the upcoming chef from Denmark who’s trying to break into comedy?

He’s calling himself the new Dane Cook.

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

A french pastry chef spends his holidays in the US and needs to go see the local medic...

Pastry chef : Euh Docteur, I häv terribeul pain when I eat chocolate!

Doctor checks him out and after a few moments says : Ah yes, typical case of <puts on sunglasses>... PAIN AU CHOCOLAT.

A chef asks an employee to grab him some cilantro

He quickly grabs the herb and returns to his boss. When he returns the chef is busy doing something and can’t take the cilantro right away.

“Give me a second,” he says

“Take your time,” the employee responds patiently.

The chef snaps back “I told you to give me a second! Also ...

Everyone was shocked when the chef started talking foreign during a culinary show.

Nobody expects the Spanish-in-cuisine-show!

I became a chef after I left the army.

Some would say I am a seasoned veteran.

I used to assume that if a chef is fat, it means that their food is good.

Then I learned: Never judge a cook by his blubber.

My blond wife said she was a gourmet chef, I asked her to make ceviche.

She burned it.

Who was the Pharaoh's favourite chef?

Gordon Ramesses

How did Chef Gordon Ramsay lose 100 pounds in under a month?

He started a swear jar.

dining at a Mexican restaurant one day, I saw the chef throw a spice bottle and hit one of the waiters in the head

"Ow! screamed the waiter, "I didn't see that cumin!"

The poor father of a Chef sees an ad in the local newspaper: "Come visit the Carnival and see our newest attraction, the Great Winged Monster!"

So the man makes his way down to the Carnival and pays the $2.00 admission price to get inside.

While inside the Carnival grounds he walks around, seeing ads for rides, games, food, and even shows! After a couple hours he finally sees it, a sign outside an obscure looking tent saying 'Great ...

My head chef had his 10 year anniversary in work today. I put some salt and pepper on him.

He's a seasoned professional

A world renowned chef undercooked the meat

It was a rare misteak

Why couldn't the chef make a tasty dish?

He never had enough thyme.
(I wish I could say my 4 year old came up with this, but I don't have kids.)

How did the Mexican chef become the best cop on the force?

Consistency. He always finished a case a dia.

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.

The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said "I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up so I can look death straight in the eyes!"

The execution...

My brother is a Karate expert, a Chef and a Lawyer.

When he's not around, Dad now calls him "Chop Suey."

I may not be a chef

But boyardees hoes hurting my feelings

I wanted to be a chef.

I figured it would add some spice to my life.

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Chef: "How about you get to work on making the octopus balls (Takoyaki)."

Me: "Sounds good, let's get Kraken"

Me: "Chef Ramsay, today I've prepared a Disney film for you to watch..."

Ramsay: "Is it Frozen?"

Me: "... yes"

Ramsay: "Damn..."

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What do you call a chef that turned into a prostitute?

A cooker.

What did Rick say to the Chinese chef ?

More tea

Dwayne Johnson opened a restaurant and was the head chef.

He was making stew one day and asked his assistant for help. He said "Can you move the pot back and forth so the aroma of the stew will waft out of the pot easier?" The assistant looked puzzled and Dwayne Johnson rephrased the question.

"Can you rock what the cook is smelling?"

How did the pasta chef get locked out of his house?

He came home from work with gnocchi.

I won't be eating at my favorite Italian restaurant any more. They have a new chef named Sal.

Sal Monella.

Why did the cannibal chef rush to the Bryant helicopter crash scene?

To get some fresh grass-fed Kobe beef.

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