Why are chefs good lovers?

Because they understand the pan needs to be hot before putting their meat in

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way. He just ran out of thyme. Here today, gone tomato. His wife is still upset, cheese still not over it. We never sausage a tragedy coming. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There’s just not mushroom for Italian chefs in today’s world.

I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..

He said yeah but it’s rare.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way.

We cannoli do so much.

His legacy will become a pizza history.

I became a chef after I left the army.

Some would say I am a seasoned veteran.

Why did the chef slather his sofa in duck fat?

He wanted to make it more confit

How do you greet a Cypriot Chef?

Helloumi

What did the pastry chef say to his boss to get a raise?

I knead dough

What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?

A pairing knife

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A famous chef and his wife are having marital problems

A world famous chef has been away for many months traveling the globe and preparing exotic dishes, and as his wife expects, sleeping with exotic women.

In an effort to save his skin, he pulls the wife aside and says "Honey, I know I have been away for a long time, but I promise you never lef...

I went to the restroom at a restaurant and noticed the chef didn’t wash his hands.

Upon seeing me he smiled, winked, and said, “urine for a treat.”

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A nice one from my dad who is a chef.

A man goes to a fancy restaurant. The head waiter seats him and he receives the menu. The man orders a three course dinner.

The waitor comes out with the precourse which is a soup. The man couldn't help noticing the waitor having his thumb in the soup,but decides to eat the soup any way.
...

What did the black guy say to the chef?

What Ja-maican?

In chef school, I was given an in depth lesson on cooking young swans.

In no time at all my preparation was so good, it became my signet-ure dish.

I was eavesdropping on two indian chefs talking..

It was a dhal conversation

I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.

He said nah, I’m not really Inuit.

Everyone was curious why the Michelin Star chef named his pioneered cuisine "Span"

"Cuz nobody expects it when the Span is in cuisine, son"

What did the chef say to the fly he trapped under a strainer?

This is a fine mesh you've gotten yourself into!

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I went to a Japanese restaurant the other night and the chef was very angry...

He lost his tempura

Did you hear about the chef that threw salt in a customer's eyes, followed by dumping a bowl of batter over his head?

He got charged with a salt and battering

What does Karl Marx, a bus driver and a sous chef at a 5-star restaurant have in common?

Everything, if Marx had his way.

My Grandad, who died in the war, could only be a chef due to his dyslexia.

He went out all buns glazing.

Hey did you hear about he Italian chef that died

Yeah last night he pastaway

Did you hear about the guy who took a second job as a pizza chef?

He kneaded the dough

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way. Although we cannoli do so much, he will forever be a pizza history. His wife? Cheese still not over it. Just goes to show here today, gone tomato. Lets send olive our prayers to the family.

What did the chef say when he invested all his money into his pasta restaurant?

It was worth every penne.

Did you hear about the Terrorist Chef?

He wrote a Menufeasto

A man approached me and told me he was a chef

He asked if I had spices among other ingredients to make a nice dish so I obliged. He began mixing some of the said spices and I allowed it, thinking it was to make mixed spice, then he got one of them and poured it on the floor.

It was then I realized he was wasting my thyme.

What is a chef's favorite gun?

A-salt-rifle

I'll show myself out

What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?

Doughnut hole me back.

What do you get when you cross a chef and a waitress?

A cold meal

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If a bunch of Jamaican chefs got together and had a cooking contest...

Would it be called a “jerk off”?

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What did the chef ask the dominatrix for?

Buttered nuts and squash.

What gun does a military chef use?

A salt rifle

What makes Jesus the best chef?

He breaks every yolk.

Heaven is a place...

* where the cops are british
* the chefs french
* the mechanics german
* the comedians american
* the lovers italian
* and everything is organized by the swiss

Hell is a place...

* where the cops are american
* the chefs british
* the mechanics french
* the come...

I most of the people that post here are chefs

Almost every joke is pan based.

Why did the chef miss his deadline?

He ran out of thyme.

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Why did the French chef visit the sex therapist?

Boner Petite

What happened when the chef got his hand caught in the dishwasher?

– They both got fired

A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested.

He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.

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What did the Japanese chef ask to his boiling noodles?

Udon yet?

Ever heard the one about the social chef?

I told the guy "Dude you're really good with people, and the food? It's amazing!"

The chef goes "Haha, thank you, Just wait till you see what I can do with animals!"

A chef made my soup in a rush and I asked "Why didn't you add any herbs and spices?"

He said "Sorry, I didn't have the thyme".

Did you hear about the duck and Chinese chef that teamed up to deal drugs?

They were slinging quack wok!

What is the name of Asgard’s chef?

Thaw

Once a pasta chef sat down to talk to his wife about something important

"Honey", the pasta chef said, "I know you said you wanted just two kids, but I really want three or more."

"Dear", his wife said, "are our two silly kids not enough for you?"

"Honey", the pasta chef said, "I just don't want to live having a couple silly kids. I really would like to hav...

If you kill a Sous Chef...

Does it count as Suicide?

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What did the chef say to the exhibitionist?

Boner petit

What do you call a professional chef whose specialty is traditional Vietnamese dishes?

He’s the Pho King, boss!

Did you hear about the French chef who died?

He lost L'huile d'olive!

A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops.

He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another dec...

Why did the chef get arrested?

Because he beat the eggs and whipped the cream!

What do you call a chef who knows kung fu?

Jack Kitchen.

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The other day I was getting a recipe from a chef. He told me the recipe needed clarified butter...

So I asked him if he could be more specific.

Why are chefs in such a rush?

Theyre running out of thyme.

What did Rick say to the Chinese chef ?

More tea

What is a profane chef's least favorite fish to work with?

Cod, dammit.

Did you hear about the French chef that blew up the kitchen?

They’re calling him Linoleum Blownapart

A pasta chef was caught stuffing the ballot boxes at a big Broadway awards show.

Apparently, he was trying to rig a Tony.

The rheumatologist turned chef hands you your plate

And she says
"Bon Atrophy"

I used to know an Italian chef.

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I feel horrible, he just ran out of thyme.

I am sending olive my love to his friends. His wife is really upset too. Cheese crying. He died fusilli reasons. I never sausage a tragic situation....

The chef didn’t die

He simply pastaway

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LPT: when eating out, never order the chef's salad

It's a dick move, just order your own

Why did the wizard become a chef?

He was great at saucery. Heh.

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Two men walked into a Chinese restaurant and sat down to eat. To pass the time, they started talking about different countries and major religions.

"Hey Sam. You ever wondered whether there are any Jews in China?" one man asked his buddy.
"Whoa I never thought of that. Lets ask our waiter He's Chinese."

So they called the waiter and asked. "So we were curious. Are there any Chinese Jews?" one man asked.
The waiter looked confused ...

What was the chef's excuse for missing homework?

He didn't have enough thyme

The chef overcooked the beef...

it was a misteak!

A common chefs error

Is to think they must always add salt to a sauce before boiling it down. This is the fallacy of reductive seasoning.

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What do you call a Japanese female Sous chef?

A Sous She Chef

What's the difference between a chef and a beggar?

Whether there's a space between "pan" and "handler".

At my executive chef job a couple called me out to compliment me for cooking their steak thoroughly with no pink inside.

It’s always nice to be recognized for a job well done.

What'd the Parisian chef say when he messed up his Pancakes?

"Aww Crepe."

A good chef can have conversations with animals

Well, at the very least they should be able to make some chicken stock.

Why did the pastry chef poison his pet parakeets?

He was trying to kill 2 birds with 1 scone.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.

It's a whisk I was willing to take.

How did Chef Gordon Ramsay lose 100 pounds in under a month?

He started a swear jar.

What do you call a Native American who cooks?

A Sioux Chef

What did a chef cook to his angry wife?

Spaghetti Apolognese

Why don't chefs in Denmark play pranks in the kitchen?

Because no one thinks a Dane cook joke is funny.

Why couldn't the Chef get his wife pregnant?

He forgot to put the Cumin.

Italian Chefs can now get an exclusive software update for their Tesla

It's been named Carpatchio

How does the Chinese chef go to work?

He woks.

What's a lawyers favorite type of chef?

A Sous Chef!

What do you call an Egyptian chef?

Gordon Ramses.

My friend who works as a pizza chef apparently gets paid well

He told me he's making dough.

That’s the last time I lend my car to an Italian chef

The last guy left it al dente

A psychic told me that the spirit of an old Italian chef is haunting my house.

I'm not worried though, I ain't alfredo no ghost.

Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?

I'm pretty sure he has Asp burgers.

Pray for good food

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”

His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”

Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef know...

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My friend who is a chef got fired for getting his dick stuck in the potato peeler.

She was fired to.

How does a chef know what day it is?

He looks at the colander.

My attorney specializes in fine dining...

He's a sue chef.

Why wasn't the chef sad when he had a break-up?

Cause he always loves when bay-leaves.

A group of men are out sailing when they decide to see what the chef is cooking for dinner.

They walk in and, being that he doesn’t have a rolling pin, see him flattening biscuits with his armpit.

“That’s disgusting!” One guy says to the other.

“Yeah, well you should see how he makes donuts!”

[Pun] Say it in simple English

Chicken: Sir, the chef at this fine establishment is planning to violently seize power and overthrow our government!

Restaurant owner: Can you please say that in simple English?

Chicken: Cookdocoup

Two parents are taking their newborn son for a stroll. A passerby looks into the carriage and exclaims, "What a beautiful baby!". The father thanks the passerby, and added, "Yes, my son here is some of my best work!"

The mother, slightly miffed, asks her husband, "Why did you take all the credit? I carried this baby for none months. I delivered him after 10 hours of labor. All you did was have10 minutes of fun!"

The husband replied, "When you have a good meal, who do you thank? The chef or the oven?"<...

A chef was preparing for his busy Friday night shift…

A chef was preparing for his busy Friday night shift when his coworker called in sick. Friday nights were always busy at the restaurant and he was the only one working the kitchen. He decides to grab one of the busboys to help him cook for the night.

“Alright,” the chef says, “tonight is busy...

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How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?

He spent his day cutting up vegetables

How many chefs does it take to stuff a turkey?

One, but you really have to cram him in there.

Who was the Pharaoh's favourite chef?

Gordon Ramesses

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What did the Japanese chef say to his son when he brought back his girlfriend?

“Sushi’s the one?”

What did the Sushi chef say to the bee?

Wasabi

What do you call the salad of an epileptic chef?

A seizure salad.

What do chefs research?

Cutting-edge technology

Celebrity Chef Anthony Bourdain is to be cremated.

Gas mark 7 for about 40 minutes should do it.

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