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I’m not a chef...

but Boyardees titties sweaty today.

I was watching Australian Master Chef last night...

Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...

I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue

My blond wife said she was a gourmet chef, I asked her to make ceviche.

She burned it.

I wanted to be a chef.

I figured it would add some spice to my life.

Why did the Hipster Chef burn his tongue?

He ate his food before it was cool.

My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.

The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said "I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up so I can look death straight in the eyes!"

The execution...

My brother is a Karate expert, a Chef and a Lawyer.

When he's not around, Dad now calls him "Chop Suey."

Why did the chef go to Las Vegas?

He wanted to whisk it all

So a costumer asked the chef if anyone ever orders steak raw

The chef said "Yeah but that's rare"

What do stunt drivers and happy chefs share in common?

They love making do(ugh)nuts!

What do you call 2 chefs working together in the same kitchen?

Taste Buds

Did you hear what happened to the Italian chef? He pasta way.

Looks like he ran out of thyme

A sous chef hung some chops of meat on the ceiling, and challenged me saying he'd pay me 20$ if I could jump and bring them down, while I had to pay him 20$ if I couldn't.

I didn't accept, the steaks were too high

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive

How did the pasta chef get locked out of his house?

He came home from work with gnocchi.

Me: "Chef Ramsay, today I've prepared a Disney film for you to watch..."

Ramsay: "Is it Frozen?"

Me: "... yes"

Ramsay: "Damn..."

I won't be eating at my favorite Italian restaurant any more. They have a new chef named Sal.

Sal Monella.

A Chef wanted to make some Filipino buns but could not figure it out

I guess he was not sia pao to make them

I used to be on of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot

But then I discovered oven mitts

dining at a Mexican restaurant one day, I saw the chef throw a spice bottle and hit one of the waiters in the head

"Ow! screamed the waiter, "I didn't see that cumin!"

Why didn’t the Italian chef show up for work?

He pasta-way

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

Did y'all hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way, but his legacy will become a pizza history. I'm sending olive my thought and prayers to his family. How sad that he ran out of thyme, here today gone tomato, we cannoli do so much. I never sausage a tragedy.

A Blonde went for a pizza. The chef said would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8? Blonde said 4 please.

There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.

[nsfw] A chef had a one night stand with a 5 foot tall girl.

Shouldn't come as a surprise, really. Chefs like to bone a petite.

The most famous French chef was found dead, victim of poisoning, and searching for answers they called Inspector Poirot...

The man had no enemies, he owed no one money, there was no motive at all... After a long and fruitless search, the Inspector noticed that a single bottle was missing from the kitchen. He took a quick inventory, then concluded that this was the result of a suicide.

How did he know? Of course, ...

Why are chefs good lovers?

Because they understand the pan needs to be hot before putting their meat in

What do passionate Indian chefs and functional programmers have in common when they are exhausted?

They curry on.

What do you call a religious chef?

A man of the broth

I dated a chef once but I broke up with her.

I was honest, I told her it's not jus, it's me.

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

Do you know what they say about sous chefs?

They can dish it, but they can't take it.

Did you hear the mobster tell the punchline of the joke about the famous British chef that was skewered, clean through, after falling onto more than one male Bighorn sheep?

"Gored on rams, see?"

What do chefs use to play pool?

Cue-cumbers

I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .

I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.

Did you ever hear about the mute Thai chef?

He could wok the wok but not talk the talk.

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Cut hair once, you’re not a barber ... Cook food once, you’re not a chef ...

Fuck a horse just once and you’re a horse fucker forever

My fortune teller is such a fraud, said my dad would live a long life but he died at 51

I wish my dad could live longer like our chef who completed 73 years yesterday.

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

Why does a bored chef cut herbs?

He wants to waste thyme!

I’ll let myself out

If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one dish, I'm not a chef.

Now when I kill ONE person

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way.

We cannoli do so much.

His legacy will become a pizza history.

My head chef had his 10 year anniversary in work today. I put some salt and pepper on him.

He's a seasoned professional

What does an Italian chef make in a Chinese restaurant?

Ciao Mein.

My Italian friend works part-time as a chef and part-time as a comedian.

I'm sick of hearing his gnocchi gnocchi jokes.

what does a sick chef put in the food?

sneezoning ......hahaha |
anyway yea he's goin to jail he caused a lot of illnesses and it seemed like it was on purpose

Joke by Phil Jamesson

Why did the cannibal chef rush to the Bryant helicopter crash scene?

To get some fresh grass-fed Kobe beef.

An identity thief stole an Italian chef's identity.

When the police found him, they accused him if being an impasta.

Why should you never take financial advice from a chef?

They like to whisk it all.

Why is the chef so mean?

She beats the eggs!

The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".

The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"

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What do we call it when two Jamaican chefs battle it out?

Jerk-Off.

I became a chef after I left the army.

Some would say I am a seasoned veteran.

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What's the difference between an epileptic shellfish chef, and a prostitute with dysentery?

One shucks and fits, the other...

My grandmother, who is a chef, says that I must always eat my mistakes.

I am a surgeon.

Before becoming Pop stars, the Bee Gees used to be professional chefs.

You could tell by the way they used their wok.

This is a portuguese joke so idk how well it will be in English but...

A man orders rice and beans in a restaurant. When his meal comes he notices a little fiber in his food and tells the waiter. The waiter then explains theres nothing to worry about, its just from the sack of beans. However the man still insists on getting another plate. The waiter, complying, yells o...

Gordon Ramsay heard of a particular Italian restaurant that was recommended by a LOT of people.

Intrigued, he went there to speak to the chef.

He asked the chef, "What gave your restaurant such a burst of popularity?"

The chef answers, "Well, it all a-began when we introduced a new meal.

The meal was made with a fish, in Italian we-a call it Coppi.

We catch it in-a ...

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

Anthony, a chef from Latvia, decided to open an Italian restaurant...

He named it Rigatoni's.

What did the black guy say to the chef?

What Ja-maican?

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An old man decides that he wants to see a bullfight before he dies.

Immediately upon arriving in Spain, the man makes his way to the arena, then cheers along with the crowd as he watches the matador fight the bull. For as much fun as it is, he soon realizes that the travel and the excitement have left him feeling worn out, so he decides to find a nearby restaurant b...

In chef school, I was given an in depth lesson on cooking young swans.

In no time at all my preparation was so good, it became my signet-ure dish.

What's a chef's favourite drug?

Pot

Why did the chef slather his sofa in duck fat?

He wanted to make it more confit

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Eating bull's testicles - tradition in Spain

A tourist in Spain is in a restaurant near a bullfighting arena right after a bullfight.
There's a table nearby where a guy is eating a dish with two big balls in it and all around the table people are making merry.

The tourist got curious and asked the manager to explain what was going on...

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I went to a Japanese restaurant the other night and the chef was very angry...

He lost his tempura

What did the pastry chef say to his boss to get a raise?

I knead dough

What is a chef's favorite gun?

A-salt-rifle

I'll show myself out

I went to the restroom at a restaurant and noticed the chef didn’t wash his hands.

Upon seeing me he smiled, winked, and said, “urine for a treat.”

What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?

A pairing knife

What does Karl Marx, a bus driver and a sous chef at a 5-star restaurant have in common?

Everything, if Marx had his way.

How do you greet a Cypriot Chef?

Helloumi

What did the culinary arts student say when his teacher gave him a piggyback ride?

Weeee Chef!

I'll see myself out.

I was eavesdropping on two indian chefs talking..

It was a dhal conversation

What do you call a radical muslim pastry chef?

Chocolate bomber

I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.

He said nah, I’m not really Inuit.

Everyone was curious why the Michelin Star chef named his pioneered cuisine "Span"

"Cuz nobody expects it when the Span is in cuisine, son"

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A famous chef and his wife are having marital problems

A world famous chef has been away for many months traveling the globe and preparing exotic dishes, and as his wife expects, sleeping with exotic women.

In an effort to save his skin, he pulls the wife aside and says "Honey, I know I have been away for a long time, but I promise you never lef...

A man approached me and told me he was a chef

He asked if I had spices among other ingredients to make a nice dish so I obliged. He began mixing some of the said spices and I allowed it, thinking it was to make mixed spice, then he got one of them and poured it on the floor.

It was then I realized he was wasting my thyme.

A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested.

He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.

Did you hear about the chef that threw salt in a customer's eyes, followed by dumping a bowl of batter over his head?

He got charged with a salt and battering

My Grandad, who died in the war, could only be a chef due to his dyslexia.

He went out all buns glazing.

Hey did you hear about he Italian chef that died

Yeah last night he pastaway

What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?

Doughnut hole me back.

What did the chef say to the fly he trapped under a strainer?

This is a fine mesh you've gotten yourself into!

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If a bunch of Jamaican chefs got together and had a cooking contest...

Would it be called a “jerk off”?

Did you hear about the Terrorist Chef?

He wrote a Menufeasto

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An american, A French , and a Japanese survive a shipwreck...

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive. The American dude says: Well, I am a carpenter by trade, so I'll build us a shelter. The French dude says: Ho-hoh! Yers trulee eez the greatest chef ever! I shall make grand meals to feed us! It g...

Did you hear about the guy who took a second job as a pizza chef?

He kneaded the dough

What do you get when you cross a chef and a waitress?

A cold meal

A chef made my soup in a rush and I asked "Why didn't you add any herbs and spices?"

He said "Sorry, I didn't have the thyme".

What gun does a military chef use?

A salt rifle

I forget where I heard it but I didn’t make this.

Did you hear my uncle died?

Oh no.

Yeah, he was a chef. He just pasta way so quickly. But hey, you cannoli do so much. His life will remain a pizza history.

What did Rick say to the Chinese chef ?

More tea

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.

It's a whisk I was willing to take.

Why did the cannibal hire a sous chef?

He needed a hand with dinner.

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What did the chef ask the dominatrix for?

Buttered nuts and squash.

Ever heard the one about the social chef?

I told the guy "Dude you're really good with people, and the food? It's amazing!"

The chef goes "Haha, thank you, Just wait till you see what I can do with animals!"

Translated from Russian. Three woman (American, French and Russian) are sharing their stories.

The first one says,

-- Once we got wed, I told my husband: "From now on, I quit cooking and cleaning". My husband left, and I don't see him for one day, two days, three days... On the fourth day he comes back with this amazing robot that is both cooking and cleaning for us while we make love....

Maintenance log, stardate 41153.7: Today I found the Captain's Log.

I must, once again, remind him to flush after he is done, and the chef to change his diet.

Did you hear about the duck and Chinese chef that teamed up to deal drugs?

They were slinging quack wok!

What do you call a chef who knows kung fu?

Jack Kitchen.

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The other day I was getting a recipe from a chef. He told me the recipe needed clarified butter...

So I asked him if he could be more specific.

The rheumatologist turned chef hands you your plate

And she says
"Bon Atrophy"

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