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What's the difference between an epileptic chef at an oyster bar and a hooker with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits

The other fucks between shits

What's an Italian chef's favorite speech?

Spaghettysburg address.

My son has started an apprenticeship chef role at a Michelin starred Indian restaurant in London.

On his first day they showed him how to make the perfect Indian flat bread. He said he can't tell me the recipe though.

Apparently he had to sign a naan disclosure agreement.

What kind of car does a sushi chef drive?

Rolls Rice

A chef went to a dentist

He'd recently had a new plate implanted and felt some pain in the area.

Upon examination, the dentist stated "the acrylic is starting to deteriorate. Tell me, have you been eating a lot of Hollandaise sauce?"

"Yes," said the chef "it's a favorite. Is that bad?"

"Well," explain...

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Three chefs were stuck on a deserted island.

They were completely out of food and about to starve to death so they decide they need to start eating each other.

First one of them cuts off his own hand. He marinades it in sea salt and then cooks it over a hot fire. The results are exquisite.

"Wonderfully crispy, just like my mother...

Why did the French chef stuff snails into his gas tank?

Because it makes escargot.

The chef spilled spices all over the kitchen and the sous chef exclaimed "That's going to take forever to clean!"

The chef sighed, "Dont worry. I have some thyme on my hands."

What do you call a Jedi Italian pastry chef?

Obi Wan Cannoli

A guru of a chef once gave me invaluable tips regarding herbs.

It was sage advice.

What’s a chef’s favorite spot?

The Marinara Trench

What did the egg say to the funny chef?

You're really cracking me up.

[Others may have said this before, but I came up with this all by myself when I was at my intellectual peak of 14 and I have repeated it ever since - yet to have a response other than silence, which clearly means it's ironic wit /s]

Why should you never mess with an Italian pastry chef?

Because he'll beat the foccacia.

I used to be on of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot

But then I discovered oven mitts

Why are chefs good lovers?

Because they understand the pan needs to be hot before putting their meat in

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta-way.

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According to a recent survey of Chefs, about 82% of them are part of the LGBT community.

Interestingly most of them were pansexual

rip_chef

Heard about the italian chef who died?

he pasta way, he could cannoli do so much and his legacy will be a pizza history

I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue.

I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.

A famous Vietnamese chef named Quan Si Ho was opening a restaurant, but couldn’t decide what to name it.

His brother Bao Ho told him: “It’s trendy to name restaurants after their best dish and the name of the chef.”

“Oh really?” said Quan.

“Yeah,” Bao said. “Like LB Steak, or Pizza Angelo. You could call yours ‘Ho Noodles’ or ‘Soup by Quan Si.’”

“That’s it!” said Quan. “I’ve thoug...

Why does the Italian chef feel badly about himself?

He has im-pasta syndrome!

Chef Tips

A chef walks into a bar, orders dinner and watches an episode of Hell's Kitchen on the bar TV. "You know, I used to be one of those chefs that yelled and shouted all the time," the bartender comments. "And then I discovered oven mitts."

The police raided the kitchen of a restaurant where the chef was preparing Eggs Benedict

He was arrested for poaching.

A king's chef was sentenced to death, after serving terrible food one too many times...

On the day the sentence was to be carried out, the chef brought one of his cakes and presented it to the headsman, in the hopes it would encourage him to make the death quick and painless.









When the headsman returned home, his wife asked how the proceedings had...

What did the kinky chilli dish say to the chef?

Put some cumin me

Why are chefs so clingy about bread?

Because they knead them.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is now a chef

With his own restaurant, so i managed to get hired in the kitchen to be near the awesomeness. But every time i ask him what he wants me to do he always says the same thing: get to da choppah!

What's the Preferred Luxury Automobile of Sushi Chefs around the world?

Rolls Rice

You hear about the chef who died

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. His wife is really upset cheese still not over it.

I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..

He said yeah but it’s rare.

Why does an Irish chef only add 239 beans to his soup?

[In a thick Irish accent] Because one more would be too farty!

Why wouldn’t the Italian chef’s car start?

Because he had gnocchis.

Why did the Hipster Chef burn his tongue?

He ate his food before it was cool.

My friend is a Magician & a Chef.

The food is TA! DA! for.

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What do you call a red-headed guy who's a very good prostitute and chef?

Strawberry Pound Cake

Did you hear about the chef that threw salt in a person's eyes, followed by dumping a bowl of batter over his head?

He was charged with a salt and battering

European Heaven & Hell

Heaven: The British are the police, the French are chefs, the Germans are the mechanics, the Swiss are the administrators, and the Italians are the lovers.


Hell: The Germans are the police, the British are the chefs, the French are the mechanics, the Italians are the administrators, and...

Why do Beginner Chefs cook only Asian food?

They need to Wok before they can run.

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NSFW... A waitress and a chef at a Chinese restaurant go into the walk in fridge at work.

They are both overtaken with horniness and start to fool around.

The waitress says, "I want 69."

The chef says, "Why do you want Beef with Broccoli now?"

What happened when the Chef got caught with their hand in the Dishwasher?

They both got fired

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What do a chef, interrogator, and a porn star all have in common?

They all love to beat it

Famous Egyptian 19th Dynasty chef

Gordon Ramses II

A Blonde went to buy a Pizza, Chef asked her, would you like it cut into 4 or 8 slices.?

Blonde replied, 4 please.

There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.

I was watching Australian Master Chef last night...

Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...

I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue

A chef sits down with his son, who just turned eighteen

Dad: son, I believe you are ready to learn the secret to a perfect meal
Son: are you really sure I'm ready
Dad: yes son, it's thyme

I ordered a bit of meat from the chef.

The waiter said they don’t serve cannibals.

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Remy the Chef Rat sits down on his therapist's couch.

His therapist says, "Remy, I haven't seen you in a while. How is everything going?"

Remy says "It's terrible. You know how I left my restaurant chef job to start my own brewpub? Well the health department just shut it down."

She says, "Oh no, Remy, that's horrible."

"And on top ...

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Its good that the Japanese chef is recovering from his alcohol addiction

He's 2 years soba already.

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive

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A man goes to a restaurant and sees a sign by the door

The sign reads: "Order anything you want, if we cannot make it, you get $300."
So, when the waiter comes he orders steamed elephant testicles with fried giraffe tongue on toast. The waiter goes to the kitchen and gives the cook the order. The kitchen staff is frantic and scrambles to find what ...

OC Joke: How do chefs flirt with each other?

Hot behind

Why are zombies great chefs?

They can REALLY put their heart into things

I hate it when chefs gossip about stuff

All they do is stand around and stir the pot.

What do a cowboy, chef, and a dom all have in common?

They must whip it, whip it good.

The French chef's apprentice really messed up when he dropped an ostrich egg on the floor.

Big ouef

The heart and soul of a chef

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and dinner. After a few bites of his meal, he calls the bartender over. "Normally the food here is great," the guys says. "But tonight it is really cold and bitter." "Sorry about that. My wife is doing the cooking tonight," the bartender says. "She's really p...

[nsfw] A chef had a one night stand with a 5 foot tall girl.

Shouldn't come as a surprise, really. Chefs like to bone a petite.

What is a profane chef's least favorite fish to work with?

cod, dammit.

Did you hear about the Asian cuisine chef that dropped a dumpling on the floor?

He was charged with wonton endangerment.

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Came home last night to the wife watching master chef, I said to her why are you watching that you can’t cook

She replies back “well you watch porn”

What did the chef say when a customer accused him of making spiceless food?

That's a basil-less accusation!

Why was the chef locked out of his kitchen?

Because he had gnocchi.

Why did the ex-military chef fire his waitstaff?

They weren’t good at taking hors d'oeuvres.

A Salesman is working late one night to close a deal with some clients.

They start to get hungry, so he calls down to the office cafeteria to see if they can fix anything. The kitchen is already closed for the night, so the best the chef can do is whip up some sandwiches. As the chef is plating them up, he accidentally knocks the pickle jar off the counter and shatter...

What did the dying chef say to his assistant?

I’m running out of thyme.

What is a chef's favorite gun?

A-salt-rifle

I'll show myself out

Did you hear about the chef that won an award for his chickpea recipe after he died?

It was awarded post hummus.

Why did the police officer arrest the chef?

For beating the eggs and whipping the cream.

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A man walked into a bar and bet the bartender he could amaze him

The bartender says “I’ll take that bet!” and slaps down $20

The man reached into his pocket and pulls out a really small chef. This little chef starts cooking some food.

The bartender says “Wow! He’s got to be less than a foot tall! I am amazed” and gives the man his 20

The bart...

How do you show a chef some affection?

You give them a quiche

A chef sees a plate on the floor.

He storms to his coworker. The coworker looks at him with a grin.

"What's wrong with you?"

"With my own two hands, I caused a dishaster!"

Last year there was a mix up at my local Chinese restaurant. The chef used Daffodil bulbs instead of onions in the chow mein and four people were hospitalised over the Christmas period.

Luckily they came out beautifully in the spring.

What do you give an abusive pasta chef who always serves wet noodles?

A re-straining order.

How do you comfort a grieving sushi chef?

Wasabi for your loss.

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

Everyone was shocked when the chef started talking foreign during a culinary show.

Nobody expects the Spanish-in-cuisine-show!

Did you hear about the upcoming chef from Denmark who’s trying to break into comedy?

He’s calling himself the new Dane Cook.

What did the french chef have for breakfast before he killed himself?

He had un oeuf.

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.

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Cut hair once, you’re not a barber ... Cook food once, you’re not a chef ...

Fuck a horse just once and you’re a horse fucker forever

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.

It's a whisk I was willing to take.

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What's the difference between Tony Blair & a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes?

Nothing, they're both useless tossers...

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I feel bad for chefs

All their hard work turns to shit.

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably angry today…

… but first I need to put my luxury chef knives in the dishwasher.

Did you ever hear about the mute Thai chef?

He could wok the wok but not talk the talk.

I used to assume that if a chef is fat, it means that their food is good.

Then I learned: Never judge a cook by his blubber.

Three men hold a contest in front of a panel of women to see who can pleasure a woman best.

The first man, a body builder, is brought up to the stage and announces that he can deadlift 550lbs and can bench 315lbs. Proving it true, the man completes the lifts with ease. Flexing his muscles in front of the women and winking, he leaves the stage.

The next man, a professional chef, impr...

A chef asks an employee to grab him some cilantro

He quickly grabs the herb and returns to his boss. When he returns the chef is busy doing something and can’t take the cilantro right away.

“Give me a second,” he says

“Take your time,” the employee responds patiently.

The chef snaps back “I told you to give me a second! Also ...

My blond wife said she was a gourmet chef, I asked her to make ceviche.

She burned it.

Tongue anyone?

A man went to an ethnic restaurant for lunch and asked the waiter if there were any specials that day. The waiter beamed and said, we do have a marvelous tongue salad which our chef is very expert at preparing. The man said “I would never eat anything that came out of a cows mouth. I’d rather die.”<...

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Chefs make the most temporal type of art.

Within hours, it’s total shit.

A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested.

He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.

The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said "I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up so I can look death straight in the eyes!"

The execution...

I may not be a chef

But boyardees hoes hurting my feelings

Me: "Chef Ramsay, today I've prepared a Disney film for you to watch..."

Ramsay: "Is it Frozen?"

Me: "... yes"

Ramsay: "Damn..."

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How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?

He spent his day cutting up vegetables

The poor father of a Chef sees an ad in the local newspaper: "Come visit the Carnival and see our newest attraction, the Great Winged Monster!"

So the man makes his way down to the Carnival and pays the $2.00 admission price to get inside.

While inside the Carnival grounds he walks around, seeing ads for rides, games, food, and even shows! After a couple hours he finally sees it, a sign outside an obscure looking tent saying 'Great ...

dining at a Mexican restaurant one day, I saw the chef throw a spice bottle and hit one of the waiters in the head

"Ow! screamed the waiter, "I didn't see that cumin!"

Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?

He was making up for lost thyme.

Thank you, thank you. I'll just show myself out now.

*Wow, thanks! I was expecting a much chilier reception, but your warm comments have kept those fears at bay (that's what you get for encouraging me :)*

Why couldn't the chef make a tasty dish?

He never had enough thyme.
(I wish I could say my 4 year old came up with this, but I don't have kids.)

How did the Mexican chef become the best cop on the force?

Consistency. He always finished a case a dia.

I became a chef after I left the army.

Some would say I am a seasoned veteran.

What do a Chef and a Mechanic have in common?

If a part isnt working, you just drown it in oil.

If the Hibachi chef is the one missing the shot...

...why am I always the one with egg on my face?

My brother is a Karate expert, a Chef and a Lawyer.

When he's not around, Dad now calls him "Chop Suey."

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Chef: "How about you get to work on making the octopus balls (Takoyaki)."

Me: "Sounds good, let's get Kraken"

What did the chefs say when they allow the cheese to be shred?

Parmesan grated.

I wanted to be a chef.

I figured it would add some spice to my life.

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

How did the pasta chef get locked out of his house?

He came home from work with gnocchi.

My head chef had his 10 year anniversary in work today. I put some salt and pepper on him.

He's a seasoned professional

What do you call a religious chef?

A man of the broth

My Grandad, who died in the war, could only be a chef due to his dyslexia.

He went out all buns glazing.

Why did the cannibal chef rush to the Bryant helicopter crash scene?

To get some fresh grass-fed Kobe beef.

I won't be eating at my favorite Italian restaurant any more. They have a new chef named Sal.

Sal Monella.

What do passionate Indian chefs and functional programmers have in common when they are exhausted?

They curry on.

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