You hear about the chef who died

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. His wife is really upset cheese still not over it.

What does an upset chef make food with?

Angrydients.

Why are chefs good lovers?

Because they understand the pan needs to be hot before putting their meat in

Why did the Catholic chef sanitize his crucifix while preparing Sunday brunch?

To prevent cross-contamination.

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way.

A Blonde went to buy a Pizza, Chef asked her, would you like it cut into 4 or 8 slices.?

Blonde replied, 4 please.

There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.

What’s a chef’s favorite kind of foreplay?

Spooning.

What did the dying chef say to his assistant?

I’m running out of thyme.

Why did the ex-military chef fire his waitstaff?

They weren’t good at taking hors d'oeuvres.

Why does an Irish chef only add 239 beans to his soup?

[In a thick Irish accent] Because one more would be too farty!

I ordered a bit of meat from the chef.

The waiter said they don’t serve cannibals.

I was watching an Australian cooking show this morning . The chef made meringue. The audience all cheered for him.

This surprised me. Australians usually boo-meringue.

What do you give an abusive pasta chef who always serves wet noodles?

A re-straining order.

A chef sits down with his son, who just turned eighteen

Dad: son, I believe you are ready to learn the secret to a perfect meal
Son: are you really sure I'm ready
Dad: yes son, it's thyme

What is a profane chef's least favorite fish to work with?

cod, dammit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

The French chef's apprentice really messed up when he dropped an ostrich egg on the floor.

Big ouef

The heart and soul of a chef

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and dinner. After a few bites of his meal, he calls the bartender over. "Normally the food here is great," the guys says. "But tonight it is really cold and bitter." "Sorry about that. My wife is doing the cooking tonight," the bartender says. "She's really p...

How do you show a chef some affection?

You give them a quiche

What did the chef say when a customer accused him of making spiceless food?

That's a basil-less accusation!

I was watching Australian Master Chef last night...

Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...

I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue

Why was the chef locked out of his kitchen?

Because he had gnocchi.

A man, who is a chef likes to steal utensils

The first he steals a big wooden spoon.

The second time he steals a plastic spatula.

This time the boss notices and says "Next time I catch you stealing, I will have you fired".

The man thinks that is a whisk I am willing to take.

A french pastry chef spends his holidays in the US and needs to go see the local medic...

Pastry chef : Euh Docteur, I häv terribeul pain when I eat chocolate!

Doctor checks him out and after a few moments says : Ah yes, typical case of <puts on sunglasses>... PAIN AU CHOCOLAT.

A chef sees a plate on the floor.

He storms to his coworker. The coworker looks at him with a grin.

"What's wrong with you?"

"With my own two hands, I caused a dishaster!"

How do you comfort a grieving sushi chef?

Wasabi for your loss.

Why wouldn’t the Italian chef’s car start?

Because he had gnocchis.

Did you hear about the Asian cuisine chef that dropped a dumpling on the floor?

He was charged with wonton endangerment.

Why did the Hipster Chef burn his tongue?

He ate his food before it was cool.

Have you heard about what happened with that Italian chef?

He pastaway

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel bad for chefs

All their hard work turns to shit.

A composer, a chef, and a creative writer are interviewed how they find beauty in classical music.

The composer says, "I love how the notes harmonize on the octaves when they're played, no matter the scale; anytime I hear someone singing the fifth note, I get these fuzzy feelings inside."

The creative writer answers, "What I find fascinating about music in general is the story behind the ...

What is the sushi chef's dream car?

rolls rice

What did the french chef have for breakfast before he killed himself?

He had un oeuf.

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

Did you hear about the upcoming chef from Denmark who’s trying to break into comedy?

He’s calling himself the new Dane Cook.

Everyone was shocked when the chef started talking foreign during a culinary show.

Nobody expects the Spanish-in-cuisine-show!

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.

The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.

The second ...

Miss Joan asks her 3rd grade students what their parents do for a living

Emily happily raises her hand and say : "Daddy's a mechanic and Mommy is a teacher like you !"

Jason then replies : "Well, my dad is a chef and my mom is her accountant"

And so on, every child answers to their best until it is little Billy's turn, who suddenly bursts into tears.
...

I used to assume that if a chef is fat, it means that their food is good.

Then I learned: Never judge a cook by his blubber.

I used to be on of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot

But then I discovered oven mitts

Why did the police officer arrest the chef?

For beating the eggs and whipping the cream.

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive

What was the epileptic chefs special menu item?

Seizure Salad.

What did the chefs say when they allow the cheese to be shred?

Parmesan grated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Tony Blair & a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes?

Nothing, they're both useless tossers...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chef: "How about you get to work on making the octopus balls (Takoyaki)."

Me: "Sounds good, let's get Kraken"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chefs make the most temporal type of art.

Within hours, it’s total shit.

How did the Mexican chef become the best cop on the force?

Consistency. He always finished a case a dia.

The US ambassador was meeting the North Korea ambassador.

During the meeting, wanting to impress the Korean, the American ambassador started boasting.

"Last week, I was in London. I met the Olympic 1000 metres gold medallist.

The previous week, I was in Brussels. I met the world's leading mathematician.

The week before, I was in Paris....

Why couldn't the chef make a tasty dish?

He never had enough thyme.
(I wish I could say my 4 year old came up with this, but I don't have kids.)

Heaven and Hell according to Europe

Heaven is a place where,
all the cops are British,
all the chefs are French,
all the engineers are German,
all the parties are organized by the Italians,
and it’s all run by the Swiss

Hell is a place where,
all the cops are German,
all the chefs are British (sorry Gordon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m not a chef...

but Boyardees titties sweaty today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a chef that turned into a prostitute?

A cooker.

I may not be a chef

But boyardees hoes hurting my feelings

The poor father of a Chef sees an ad in the local newspaper: "Come visit the Carnival and see our newest attraction, the Great Winged Monster!"

So the man makes his way down to the Carnival and pays the $2.00 admission price to get inside.

While inside the Carnival grounds he walks around, seeing ads for rides, games, food, and even shows! After a couple hours he finally sees it, a sign outside an obscure looking tent saying 'Great ...

The owner of a restaurant sends his employee undercover...

...to the vastly more successful restaurant across the road.

Before sending him, the owner says "That restaraunt is ruining business here, all because of their famous chowder. I need the recipe and the secret ingredient ASAP!"

The employee manages to infiltrate the kitchen of the succe...

If the Hibachi chef is the one missing the shot...

...why am I always the one with egg on my face?

[nsfw] A chef had a one night stand with a 5 foot tall girl.

Shouldn't come as a surprise, really. Chefs like to bone a petite.

Jesus and Michelin Star chefs have one thing in common

They can both feed 5,000 people with 2 loaves of bread and 5 fish

What do you call 2 chefs working together in the same kitchen?

Taste Buds

My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.

A chef asks an employee to grab him some cilantro

He quickly grabs the herb and returns to his boss. When he returns the chef is busy doing something and can’t take the cilantro right away.

“Give me a second,” he says

“Take your time,” the employee responds patiently.

The chef snaps back “I told you to give me a second! Also ...

My blond wife said she was a gourmet chef, I asked her to make ceviche.

She burned it.

Did you know miso soup was made by a hungry chef?

He was sitting in his kitchen and said "Me so hungry"





Credit: my dad

Me: "Chef Ramsay, today I've prepared a Disney film for you to watch..."

Ramsay: "Is it Frozen?"

Me: "... yes"

Ramsay: "Damn..."

So a costumer asked the chef if anyone ever orders steak raw

The chef said "Yeah but that's rare"

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

dining at a Mexican restaurant one day, I saw the chef throw a spice bottle and hit one of the waiters in the head

"Ow! screamed the waiter, "I didn't see that cumin!"

Dwayne Johnson opened a restaurant and was the head chef.

He was making stew one day and asked his assistant for help. He said "Can you move the pot back and forth so the aroma of the stew will waft out of the pot easier?" The assistant looked puzzled and Dwayne Johnson rephrased the question.

"Can you rock what the cook is smelling?"

There's only one particular type of chef who are good with animals...

...a ZOO chef

Why did the chef go to Las Vegas?

He wanted to whisk it all

What do you call the European king who became a noodle chef?

Chowlemein

What is a chef's favorite gun?

A-salt-rifle

I'll show myself out

The most famous French chef was found dead, victim of poisoning, and searching for answers they called Inspector Poirot...

The man had no enemies, he owed no one money, there was no motive at all... After a long and fruitless search, the Inspector noticed that a single bottle was missing from the kitchen. He took a quick inventory, then concluded that this was the result of a suicide.

How did he know? Of course, ...

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.

The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said "I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up so I can look death straight in the eyes!"

The execution...

I wanted to be a chef.

I figured it would add some spice to my life.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cut hair once, you’re not a barber ... Cook food once, you’re not a chef ...

Fuck a horse just once and you’re a horse fucker forever

How did the pasta chef get locked out of his house?

He came home from work with gnocchi.

Did you ever hear about the mute Thai chef?

He could wok the wok but not talk the talk.

Why didn’t the Italian chef show up for work?

He pasta-way

What do you call a religious chef?

A man of the broth

A sous chef hung some chops of meat on the ceiling, and challenged me saying he'd pay me 20$ if I could jump and bring them down, while I had to pay him 20$ if I couldn't.

I didn't accept, the steaks were too high

My head chef had his 10 year anniversary in work today. I put some salt and pepper on him.

He's a seasoned professional

I dated a chef once but I broke up with her.

I was honest, I told her it's not jus, it's me.

What does an Italian chef make in a Chinese restaurant?

Ciao Mein.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a Japanese restaurant the other night and the chef was very angry...

He lost his tempura

My brother is a Karate expert, a Chef and a Lawyer.

When he's not around, Dad now calls him "Chop Suey."

What do passionate Indian chefs and functional programmers have in common when they are exhausted?

They curry on.

A Chef wanted to make some Filipino buns but could not figure it out

I guess he was not sia pao to make them

What do you call someone who beats up dessert chefs?

Cobbler clobberer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis.

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

What do chefs use to play pool?

Cue-cumbers

I became a chef after I left the army.

Some would say I am a seasoned veteran.

An American white guy visits India.

Wanting to get a more authentic experience, he goes to an Indian restaurant and tells them to serve him their specials, no questions asked. After eating a few bites, he calls the waiter and says, "Hey, this is brilliant food, but I just have a tiny request. This is a tad bit too spicy for my taste, ...

Why does a bored chef cut herbs?

He wants to waste thyme!

I’ll let myself out

The girl and the pastry chefs

There once was a girl who kept being followed by pastry chefs wearing cook hats. After countless days of being followed, she asked her friend if she could tell her why the chefs were following her. The friend replied "you really need to do something about that yeast infection."

Did you hear the mobster tell the punchline of the joke about the famous British chef that was skewered, clean through, after falling onto more than one male Bighorn sheep?

"Gored on rams, see?"

Do you know what they say about sous chefs?

They can dish it, but they can't take it.

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

**waiter:** white or red?

**me, trying to impress my date:** whichever onion the chef prefers

What did the chef do with his laddle after he got his first paycheck?

He souped it up.

I won't be eating at my favorite Italian restaurant any more. They have a new chef named Sal.

Sal Monella.

My Grandad, who died in the war, could only be a chef due to his dyslexia.

He went out all buns glazing.

What did the chef say to her apprentice after he cut the apples perfectly?

Knife Job! :D

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peking duck

A man walks into a restaurant and orders Peking duck. He says, “I’m very particular so make sure it’s from Peking.”

About 20 minutes later the waiter returns and places a beautiful, succulent, roasted duck on his table. The man smiles, sticks his index finger in the air, twirls it around seve...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do we call it when two Jamaican chefs battle it out?

Jerk-Off.

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a cook?

A Sue Chef.

The key to good cooking

I used to be like that shouty chef on Hell's Kitchen. When I worked in the kitchen I yelled and shouted all the time. And then I discovered oven mitts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested.

He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.

Why did the cannibal chef rush to the Bryant helicopter crash scene?

To get some fresh grass-fed Kobe beef.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.

It's a whisk I was willing to take.

My grandmother, who is a chef, says that I must always eat my mistakes.

I am a surgeon.

An identity thief stole an Italian chef's identity.

When the police found him, they accused him if being an impasta.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an epileptic shellfish chef, and a prostitute with dysentery?

One shucks and fits, the other...

What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?

Doughnut hole me back.

My Italian friend works part-time as a chef and part-time as a comedian.

I'm sick of hearing his gnocchi gnocchi jokes.

Why are chefs so good at apologizing?

Because they can fork-give and fork-get

In chef school, I was given an in depth lesson on cooking young swans.

In no time at all my preparation was so good, it became my signet-ure dish.

Why should you never take financial advice from a chef?

They like to whisk it all.

Anthony, a chef from Latvia, decided to open an Italian restaurant...

He named it Rigatoni's.

What did the black guy say to the chef?

What Ja-maican?

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.