What does an upset chef make food with?

Angrydients.

Why wouldn’t the Italian chef’s car start?

Because he had gnocchis.

Why was the French chef contemplating suicide?

Because he'd lost the *huile d'olive.*

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Chefs make the most temporal type of art.

Within hours, it’s total shit.

A chef asks an employee to grab him some cilantro

He quickly grabs the herb and returns to his boss. When he returns the chef is busy doing something and can’t take the cilantro right away.

“Give me a second,” he says

“Take your time,” the employee responds patiently.

The chef snaps back “I told you to give me a second! Also ...

I may not be a chef

But boyardees hoes hurting my feelings

The poor father of a Chef sees an ad in the local newspaper: "Come visit the Carnival and see our newest attraction, the Great Winged Monster!"

So the man makes his way down to the Carnival and pays the $2.00 admission price to get inside.

While inside the Carnival grounds he walks around, seeing ads for rides, games, food, and even shows! After a couple hours he finally sees it, a sign outside an obscure looking tent saying 'Great ...

Did you know miso soup was made by a hungry chef?

He was sitting in his kitchen and said "Me so hungry"





Credit: my dad

Did you hear about the Asian cuisine chef that dropped a dumpling on the floor?

He was charged with wonton endangerment.

If the Hibachi chef is the one missing the shot...

...why am I always the one with egg on my face?

I was watching Australian Master Chef last night...

Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...

I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue

The pirate hired a Chinese chef

He wanted to see him wok the plank...

What did the chef do with his laddle after he got his first paycheck?

He souped it up.

Why did the Hipster Chef burn his tongue?

He ate his food before it was cool.

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.

The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said "I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up so I can look death straight in the eyes!"

The execution...

My blond wife said she was a gourmet chef, I asked her to make ceviche.

She burned it.

Dwayne Johnson opened a restaurant and was the head chef.

He was making stew one day and asked his assistant for help. He said "Can you move the pot back and forth so the aroma of the stew will waft out of the pot easier?" The assistant looked puzzled and Dwayne Johnson rephrased the question.

"Can you rock what the cook is smelling?"

The Italian Chef Died

He pasta way!

There's only one particular type of chef who are good with animals...

...a ZOO chef

Jesus and Michelin Star chefs have one thing in common

They can both feed 5,000 people with 2 loaves of bread and 5 fish

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I’m not a chef...

but Boyardees titties sweaty today.

I used to be on of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot

But then I discovered oven mitts

Did y'all hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way, but his legacy will become a pizza history. I'm sending olive my thought and prayers to his family. How sad that he ran out of thyme, here today gone tomato, we cannoli do so much. I never sausage a tragedy.

My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.

How did the pasta chef get locked out of his house?

He came home from work with gnocchi.

Me: "Chef Ramsay, today I've prepared a Disney film for you to watch..."

Ramsay: "Is it Frozen?"

Me: "... yes"

Ramsay: "Damn..."

I wanted to be a chef.

I figured it would add some spice to my life.

I won't be eating at my favorite Italian restaurant any more. They have a new chef named Sal.

Sal Monella.

What do you call the European king who became a noodle chef?

Chowlemein

So a costumer asked the chef if anyone ever orders steak raw

The chef said "Yeah but that's rare"

dining at a Mexican restaurant one day, I saw the chef throw a spice bottle and hit one of the waiters in the head

"Ow! screamed the waiter, "I didn't see that cumin!"

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

A Blonde went for a pizza. The chef said would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8? Blonde said 4 please.

There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.

Why didn’t the Italian chef show up for work?

He pasta-way

What do you call 2 chefs working together in the same kitchen?

Taste Buds

A sous chef hung some chops of meat on the ceiling, and challenged me saying he'd pay me 20$ if I could jump and bring them down, while I had to pay him 20$ if I couldn't.

I didn't accept, the steaks were too high

[nsfw] A chef had a one night stand with a 5 foot tall girl.

Shouldn't come as a surprise, really. Chefs like to bone a petite.

The most famous French chef was found dead, victim of poisoning, and searching for answers they called Inspector Poirot...

The man had no enemies, he owed no one money, there was no motive at all... After a long and fruitless search, the Inspector noticed that a single bottle was missing from the kitchen. He took a quick inventory, then concluded that this was the result of a suicide.

How did he know? Of course, ...

Why are chefs good lovers?

Because they understand the pan needs to be hot before putting their meat in

Why did the chef go to Las Vegas?

He wanted to whisk it all

A Chef wanted to make some Filipino buns but could not figure it out

I guess he was not sia pao to make them

Did you hear what happened to the Italian chef? He pasta way.

Looks like he ran out of thyme

I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .

I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.

What did the chef say to her apprentice after he cut the apples perfectly?

Knife Job! :D

I dated a chef once but I broke up with her.

I was honest, I told her it's not jus, it's me.

What do chefs use to play pool?

Cue-cumbers

My brother is a Karate expert, a Chef and a Lawyer.

When he's not around, Dad now calls him "Chop Suey."

What do passionate Indian chefs and functional programmers have in common when they are exhausted?

They curry on.

What do you call a religious chef?

A man of the broth

Did you ever hear about the mute Thai chef?

He could wok the wok but not talk the talk.

Did you hear the mobster tell the punchline of the joke about the famous British chef that was skewered, clean through, after falling onto more than one male Bighorn sheep?

"Gored on rams, see?"

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

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Hitler hires a new cook

Before taking up the job he is told there are 2 main requirements - Making good healthy food for the dictator and never interfering in his policies.

On his first day he finds out about all of Hitler's preferences, likes and dislikes. With all of that in mind he makes everything as expected e...

Why does a bored chef cut herbs?

He wants to waste thyme!

I’ll let myself out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy man comes home and says to his wife...

"I lost my fortune in the stock market crash. We have to change our lifestyle. For instance, if you learn how to cook, we can fire the chef."

"All right" she says. "If you learn how to fuck, we can fire the gardener too."

My head chef had his 10 year anniversary in work today. I put some salt and pepper on him.

He's a seasoned professional

A man goes to a restaurant and has the most delicious turkey he's ever tasted...

He asks the chef, "How do you prepare the turkeys?"

The chef replies, "Oh, nothing special, we just tell them they're gonna die."

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Cut hair once, you’re not a barber ... Cook food once, you’re not a chef ...

Fuck a horse just once and you’re a horse fucker forever

Why did the cannibal chef rush to the Bryant helicopter crash scene?

To get some fresh grass-fed Kobe beef.

An identity thief stole an Italian chef's identity.

When the police found him, they accused him if being an impasta.

What does an Italian chef make in a Chinese restaurant?

Ciao Mein.

Why is the chef so mean?

She beats the eggs!

I became a chef after I left the army.

Some would say I am a seasoned veteran.

My Italian friend works part-time as a chef and part-time as a comedian.

I'm sick of hearing his gnocchi gnocchi jokes.

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What do we call it when two Jamaican chefs battle it out?

Jerk-Off.

I put my blood, sweat, and tears into my work, and this is the thanks I get.

The restaurant is not pressing charges but I'll be lucky to find work as a chef again.

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger...

The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says. ...

My grandmother, who is a chef, says that I must always eat my mistakes.

I am a surgeon.

what does a sick chef put in the food?

sneezoning ......hahaha |
anyway yea he's goin to jail he caused a lot of illnesses and it seemed like it was on purpose

Joke by Phil Jamesson

Why should you never take financial advice from a chef?

They like to whisk it all.

My fortune teller is such a fraud, said my dad would live a long life but he died at 51

I wish my dad could live longer like our chef who completed 73 years yesterday.

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What's the difference between an epileptic shellfish chef, and a prostitute with dysentery?

One shucks and fits, the other...

A regional manager of a Chinese restaurant chain was visiting one of the stores around the holidays.

He was there to check how the store was doing, making sure safety protocols were in place, making sure it was clean, etc. Upon entering the restaurant he was greeted with Christmas decor, lights, garland, Santa clauses everywhere, and holiday music.
“What’s with the get up?” The manager asked. <...

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a cook?

A sue chef.

Before becoming Pop stars, the Bee Gees used to be professional chefs.

You could tell by the way they used their wok.

A chef was working in the kitchen and decided to take a break when his wife brought their infant son into the restaurant. He took his son, cradled him in his arms, and began gently swaying back and forth. Suddenly, the baby filled his diaper, and the stench filled the room.

One of the diners said to another, “Can you smell what the cook is rockin’?”

If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one joke, I'm not a comedian.

If I make just one dish, I'm not a chef.

Now when I kill ONE person

What is a chef's favorite gun?

A-salt-rifle

I'll show myself out

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I went to a Japanese restaurant the other night and the chef was very angry...

He lost his tempura

I went to the restroom at a restaurant and noticed the chef didn’t wash his hands.

Upon seeing me he smiled, winked, and said, “urine for a treat.”

Anthony, a chef from Latvia, decided to open an Italian restaurant...

He named it Rigatoni's.

What did the black guy say to the chef?

What Ja-maican?

What is the best paying job in the world?

I don’t know, but pizza chefs sure make a lot of dough

In chef school, I was given an in depth lesson on cooking young swans.

In no time at all my preparation was so good, it became my signet-ure dish.

A couple is eating dinner at a restaurant

Husband: Alright, food's here. Let's eat!

Wife: Wait, we didn't give thanks. You always pray before eating at home.

Husband: Yes, that's at home. Here, I know the chef can cook.

I got into hot water with the head chef

I tried to get out of it but by the end, she was reading me my marinara rights.

What's a chef's favourite drug?

Pot

Why did the chef slather his sofa in duck fat?

He wanted to make it more confit

What did the pastry chef say to his boss to get a raise?

I knead dough

A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested.

He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.

What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?

A pairing knife

My Grandad, who died in the war, could only be a chef due to his dyslexia.

He went out all buns glazing.

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

What does Karl Marx, a bus driver and a sous chef at a 5-star restaurant have in common?

Everything, if Marx had his way.

Hey did you hear about he Italian chef that died

Yeah last night he pastaway

What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?

Doughnut hole me back.

I was eavesdropping on two indian chefs talking..

It was a dhal conversation

A posh guy walks into a restaurant and demands the waiter to serve him a chicken from Suffolk

The waiter says "Very well! Take a seat, sir! I shall check with the chef and see what we have to offer."

So the waiter goes to the kitchen and after asking for a chicken from Suffolk the chef looks at him with a strange face. He hands him a random cooked chicken and tells him to bring that ...

I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.

He said nah, I’m not really Inuit.

European heaven/ European hell

European heaven is a place where the chefs are spanish, the police is british, the mechanics are germans, the lovers are italians and everything is organized by the swiss.

European hell is a place where the chefs are british, the police is german, the mechanics are spanish, the lovers are sw...

What did the chef say to the fly he trapped under a strainer?

This is a fine mesh you've gotten yourself into!

How do you greet a Cypriot Chef?

Helloumi

Did you hear about the guy who took a second job as a pizza chef?

He kneaded the dough

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.

It's a whisk I was willing to take.

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If a bunch of Jamaican chefs got together and had a cooking contest...

Would it be called a “jerk off”?

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

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