You hear about the chef who died

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. His wife is really upset cheese still not over it.

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What's the difference between an epileptic chef at an oyster bar and a hooker with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits

The other fucks between shits

What does an upset chef make food with?

Angrydients.

Why do Beginner Chefs cook only Asian food?

They need to Wok before they can run.

OC Joke: How do chefs flirt with each other?

Hot behind

I hate it when chefs gossip about stuff

All they do is stand around and stir the pot.

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Its good that the Japanese chef is recovering from his alcohol addiction

He's 2 years soba already.

Famous Egyptian 19th Dynasty chef

Gordon Ramses II

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What do a chef, interrogator, and a porn star all have in common?

They all love to beat it

The French chef's apprentice really messed up when he dropped an ostrich egg on the floor.

Big ouef

Why does an Irish chef only add 239 beans to his soup?

[In a thick Irish accent] Because one more would be too farty!

I ordered a bit of meat from the chef.

The waiter said they don’t serve cannibals.

Why are chefs good lovers?

Because they understand the pan needs to be hot before putting their meat in

Arnold Schwarzenegger is now a chef

With his own restaurant, so i managed to get hired in the kitchen to be near the awesomeness. But every time i ask him what he wants me to do he always says the same thing: get to da choppah!

Did you hear about the chef that won an award for his chickpea recipe after he died?

It was awarded post hummus.

Why did the Catholic chef sanitize his crucifix while preparing Sunday brunch?

To prevent cross-contamination.

A Blonde went to buy a Pizza, Chef asked her, would you like it cut into 4 or 8 slices.?

Blonde replied, 4 please.

There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.

What do a cowboy, chef, and a dom all have in common?

They must whip it, whip it good.

What did the dying chef say to his assistant?

I’m running out of thyme.

I was watching an Australian cooking show this morning . The chef made meringue. The audience all cheered for him.

This surprised me. Australians usually boo-meringue.

What do you give an abusive pasta chef who always serves wet noodles?

A re-straining order.

A chef sits down with his son, who just turned eighteen

Dad: son, I believe you are ready to learn the secret to a perfect meal
Son: are you really sure I'm ready
Dad: yes son, it's thyme

What is a profane chef's least favorite fish to work with?

cod, dammit.

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

Why did the ex-military chef fire his waitstaff?

They weren’t good at taking hors d'oeuvres.

The heart and soul of a chef

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and dinner. After a few bites of his meal, he calls the bartender over. "Normally the food here is great," the guys says. "But tonight it is really cold and bitter." "Sorry about that. My wife is doing the cooking tonight," the bartender says. "She's really p...

How do you show a chef some affection?

You give them a quiche

What did the chef say when a customer accused him of making spiceless food?

That's a basil-less accusation!

Last year there was a mix up at my local Chinese restaurant. The chef used Daffodil bulbs instead of onions in the chow mein and four people were hospitalised over the Christmas period.

Luckily they came out beautifully in the spring.

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A man walks into a restaurant that's owned by a friend of his.

He says to his friend, "How's it going? How's the restaurant business?"

His friend says, "It's going pretty good but I got a chef that won't stop jerking off."

He tells him, "Just fire him."

"I can't. He's an amazing cook. You should try his wings. They are amazing."

"The...

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

Yeah, he pasta way

I was watching Australian Master Chef last night...

Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...

I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue

Why wouldn’t the Italian chef’s car start?

Because he had gnocchis.

I used to be on of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot

But then I discovered oven mitts

I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..

He said yeah but it’s rare.

Did you hear about the Asian cuisine chef that dropped a dumpling on the floor?

He was charged with wonton endangerment.

Why did the Hipster Chef burn his tongue?

He ate his food before it was cool.

Why was the chef locked out of his kitchen?

Because he had gnocchi.

A man, who is a chef likes to steal utensils

The first he steals a big wooden spoon.

The second time he steals a plastic spatula.

This time the boss notices and says "Next time I catch you stealing, I will have you fired".

The man thinks that is a whisk I am willing to take.

A french pastry chef spends his holidays in the US and needs to go see the local medic...

Pastry chef : Euh Docteur, I häv terribeul pain when I eat chocolate!

Doctor checks him out and after a few moments says : Ah yes, typical case of <puts on sunglasses>... PAIN AU CHOCOLAT.

A chef sees a plate on the floor.

He storms to his coworker. The coworker looks at him with a grin.

"What's wrong with you?"

"With my own two hands, I caused a dishaster!"

How do you comfort a grieving sushi chef?

Wasabi for your loss.

Have you heard about what happened with that Italian chef?

He pastaway

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I feel bad for chefs

All their hard work turns to shit.

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive

What is the sushi chef's dream car?

rolls rice

A composer, a chef, and a creative writer are interviewed how they find beauty in classical music.

The composer says, "I love how the notes harmonize on the octaves when they're played, no matter the scale; anytime I hear someone singing the fifth note, I get these fuzzy feelings inside."

The creative writer answers, "What I find fascinating about music in general is the story behind the ...

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What's the difference between Tony Blair & a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes?

Nothing, they're both useless tossers...

What did the french chef have for breakfast before he killed himself?

He had un oeuf.

Everyone was shocked when the chef started talking foreign during a culinary show.

Nobody expects the Spanish-in-cuisine-show!

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

Did you hear about the upcoming chef from Denmark who’s trying to break into comedy?

He’s calling himself the new Dane Cook.

I used to assume that if a chef is fat, it means that their food is good.

Then I learned: Never judge a cook by his blubber.

Why did the police officer arrest the chef?

For beating the eggs and whipping the cream.

What did the chefs say when they allow the cheese to be shred?

Parmesan grated.

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Chefs make the most temporal type of art.

Within hours, it’s total shit.

Unexpected Resort Prices

1 = Husband 2 = Cashier

A couple went for their 10th anniversary, went to a luxurious resort for 3 days.

On the last day the couple went to checkout, and found out they were charged 18.000 dollars.

1) Wait, since when we were charged 18000?
2) The suite you chose costs 30...

How did the Mexican chef become the best cop on the force?

Consistency. He always finished a case a dia.

Why couldn't the chef make a tasty dish?

He never had enough thyme.
(I wish I could say my 4 year old came up with this, but I don't have kids.)

[nsfw] A chef had a one night stand with a 5 foot tall girl.

Shouldn't come as a surprise, really. Chefs like to bone a petite.

Jesus and Michelin Star chefs have one thing in common

They can both feed 5,000 people with 2 loaves of bread and 5 fish

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Chef: "How about you get to work on making the octopus balls (Takoyaki)."

Me: "Sounds good, let's get Kraken"

My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.

I may not be a chef

But boyardees hoes hurting my feelings

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What do you call a chef that turned into a prostitute?

A cooker.

My blond wife said she was a gourmet chef, I asked her to make ceviche.

She burned it.

The poor father of a Chef sees an ad in the local newspaper: "Come visit the Carnival and see our newest attraction, the Great Winged Monster!"

So the man makes his way down to the Carnival and pays the $2.00 admission price to get inside.

While inside the Carnival grounds he walks around, seeing ads for rides, games, food, and even shows! After a couple hours he finally sees it, a sign outside an obscure looking tent saying 'Great ...

What do a Chef and a Mechanic have in common?

If a part isnt working, you just drown it in oil.

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.

The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.

The second ...

dining at a Mexican restaurant one day, I saw the chef throw a spice bottle and hit one of the waiters in the head

"Ow! screamed the waiter, "I didn't see that cumin!"

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I’m not a chef...

but Boyardees titties sweaty today.

If the Hibachi chef is the one missing the shot...

...why am I always the one with egg on my face?

What is a chef's favorite gun?

A-salt-rifle

I'll show myself out

What do you call 2 chefs working together in the same kitchen?

Taste Buds

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.

The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said "I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up so I can look death straight in the eyes!"

The execution...

A chef asks an employee to grab him some cilantro

He quickly grabs the herb and returns to his boss. When he returns the chef is busy doing something and can’t take the cilantro right away.

“Give me a second,” he says

“Take your time,” the employee responds patiently.

The chef snaps back “I told you to give me a second! Also ...

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Cut hair once, you’re not a barber ... Cook food once, you’re not a chef ...

Fuck a horse just once and you’re a horse fucker forever

Me: "Chef Ramsay, today I've prepared a Disney film for you to watch..."

Ramsay: "Is it Frozen?"

Me: "... yes"

Ramsay: "Damn..."

Did you know miso soup was made by a hungry chef?

He was sitting in his kitchen and said "Me so hungry"





Credit: my dad

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

What’s a chef’s favourite wrestling move?

The artichoke

There's only one particular type of chef who are good with animals...

...a ZOO chef

A chef decides he wants to leave the chef orgy he was attending

I guess his thyme had cum

Did you ever hear about the mute Thai chef?

He could wok the wok but not talk the talk.

Miss Joan asks her 3rd grade students what their parents do for a living

Emily happily raises her hand and say : "Daddy's a mechanic and Mommy is a teacher like you !"

Jason then replies : "Well, my dad is a chef and my mom is her accountant"

And so on, every child answers to their best until it is little Billy's turn, who suddenly bursts into tears.
...

Why did the chef go to Las Vegas?

He wanted to whisk it all

The most famous French chef was found dead, victim of poisoning, and searching for answers they called Inspector Poirot...

The man had no enemies, he owed no one money, there was no motive at all... After a long and fruitless search, the Inspector noticed that a single bottle was missing from the kitchen. He took a quick inventory, then concluded that this was the result of a suicide.

How did he know? Of course, ...

My brother is a Karate expert, a Chef and a Lawyer.

When he's not around, Dad now calls him "Chop Suey."

I wanted to be a chef.

I figured it would add some spice to my life.

What do passionate Indian chefs and functional programmers have in common when they are exhausted?

They curry on.

How did the pasta chef get locked out of his house?

He came home from work with gnocchi.

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Monkey business

In a secret lab, a bunch if scientists are working on modified human DNA. To find out if their experiments work, they infuse monkey cells with the modified DNA. After a few years of raising 3 modified monkeys they send each of them into a different apprenticeship for one year, to see if they are abl...

What do you call the European king who became a noodle chef?

Chowlemein

The US ambassador was meeting the North Korea ambassador.

During the meeting, wanting to impress the Korean, the American ambassador started boasting.

"Last week, I was in London. I met the Olympic 1000 metres gold medallist.

The previous week, I was in Brussels. I met the world's leading mathematician.

The week before, I was in Paris....

What do you call a religious chef?

A man of the broth

Why didn’t the Italian chef show up for work?

He pasta-way

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A group of tourists were enjoying sushi at a restaurant in Japan.

Having never eaten sushi before, one woman asked the chef if he would suggest the best way of eating it.

He nodded, and replied “Let me shoyu.”

My head chef had his 10 year anniversary in work today. I put some salt and pepper on him.

He's a seasoned professional

What does an Italian chef make in a Chinese restaurant?

Ciao Mein.

I became a chef after I left the army.

Some would say I am a seasoned veteran.

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court-martial long

I was an M.P in the British army for a number of years.
We get called Red Caps.


I was passing through the Canteen, Mess, food, hall.

I had to arrest 2 chefs and bring them before the court marshall.
Turned quite violent.


I got bruised and worse.

...

A sous chef hung some chops of meat on the ceiling, and challenged me saying he'd pay me 20$ if I could jump and bring them down, while I had to pay him 20$ if I couldn't.

I didn't accept, the steaks were too high

I dated a chef once but I broke up with her.

I was honest, I told her it's not jus, it's me.

What do chefs use to play pool?

Cue-cumbers

Why does a bored chef cut herbs?

He wants to waste thyme!

I’ll let myself out

A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested.

He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.

Heaven and Hell according to Europe

Heaven is a place where,
all the cops are British,
all the chefs are French,
all the engineers are German,
all the parties are organized by the Italians,
and it’s all run by the Swiss

Hell is a place where,
all the cops are German,
all the chefs are British (sorry Gordon...

I won't be eating at my favorite Italian restaurant any more. They have a new chef named Sal.

Sal Monella.

A Chef wanted to make some Filipino buns but could not figure it out

I guess he was not sia pao to make them

My Grandad, who died in the war, could only be a chef due to his dyslexia.

He went out all buns glazing.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.

It's a whisk I was willing to take.

My grandmother, who is a chef, says that I must always eat my mistakes.

I am a surgeon.

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What do we call it when two Jamaican chefs battle it out?

Jerk-Off.

Why did the cannibal chef rush to the Bryant helicopter crash scene?

To get some fresh grass-fed Kobe beef.

What did the chef say to her apprentice after he cut the apples perfectly?

Knife Job! :D

What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?

Doughnut hole me back.

What did the black guy say to the chef?

What Ja-maican?

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