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Cut hair once, you’re not a barber ... Cook food once, you’re not a chef ...

Fuck a horse just once and you’re a horse fucker forever

Did you ever hear about the mute Thai chef?

He could wok the wok but not talk the talk.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that just died?

He pasta away

[nsfw] A chef had a one night stand with a 5 foot tall girl.

Shouldn't come as a surprise, really. Chefs like to bone a petite.

The most famous French chef was found dead, victim of poisoning, and searching for answers they called Inspector Poirot...

The man had no enemies, he owed no one money, there was no motive at all... After a long and fruitless search, the Inspector noticed that a single bottle was missing from the kitchen. He took a quick inventory, then concluded that this was the result of a suicide.

How did he know? Of course, ...

I was watching an Australian cooking show, and people started cheering when the chef made a meringue .

I was shocked. Usually Australians boo meringue.

Why are chefs good lovers?

Because they understand the pan needs to be hot before putting their meat in

What do you call someone who beats up dessert chefs?

Cobbler clobberer.

Why did the cannibal chef rush to the Bryant helicopter crash scene?

To get some fresh grass-fed Kobe beef.

So a costumer asked the chef if anyone ever orders steak raw

The chef said "Yeah but that's rare"

Why is the chef so mean?

She beats the eggs!

What does an Italian chef make in a Chinese restaurant?

Ciao Mein.

My head chef had his 10 year anniversary in work today. I put some salt and pepper on him.

He's a seasoned professional

Anthony, a chef from Latvia, decided to open an Italian restaurant...

He named it Rigatoni's.

what does a sick chef put in the food?

sneezoning ......hahaha |
anyway yea he's goin to jail he caused a lot of illnesses and it seemed like it was on purpose

Joke by Phil Jamesson

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What do we call it when two Jamaican chefs battle it out?

Jerk-Off.

A chef was working in the kitchen and decided to take a break when his wife brought their infant son into the restaurant. He took his son, cradled him in his arms, and began gently swaying back and forth. Suddenly, the baby filled his diaper, and the stench filled the room.

One of the diners said to another, “Can you smell what the cook is rockin’?”

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?

He pasta way. He just ran out of thyme. Here today, gone tomato. His wife is still upset, cheese still not over it. We never sausage a tragedy coming. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There’s just not mushroom for Italian chefs in today’s world.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way.

We cannoli do so much.

His legacy will become a pizza history.

Oh man... did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way...

I mean, the doctors cannoli do so much.

It’s just crazy how you can wake up one day and be gone tomato.

I’ve truly never sausage a tragic thing.

So sad he ran out of thyme... :~(

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What's the difference between an epileptic shellfish chef, and a prostitute with dysentery?

One shucks and fits, the other...

Before becoming Pop stars, the Bee Gees used to be professional chefs.

You could tell by the way they used their wok.

My grandmother, who is a chef, says that I must always eat my mistakes.

I am a surgeon.

I became a chef after I left the army.

Some would say I am a seasoned veteran.

What's a chef's favourite drug?

Pot

Why did the chef slather his sofa in duck fat?

He wanted to make it more confit

In chef school, I was given an in depth lesson on cooking young swans.

In no time at all my preparation was so good, it became my signet-ure dish.

What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?

A pairing knife

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A famous chef and his wife are having marital problems

A world famous chef has been away for many months traveling the globe and preparing exotic dishes, and as his wife expects, sleeping with exotic women.

In an effort to save his skin, he pulls the wife aside and says "Honey, I know I have been away for a long time, but I promise you never lef...

I went to the restroom at a restaurant and noticed the chef didn’t wash his hands.

Upon seeing me he smiled, winked, and said, “urine for a treat.”

What did the black guy say to the chef?

What Ja-maican?

I was eavesdropping on two indian chefs talking..

It was a dhal conversation

I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.

He said nah, I’m not really Inuit.

Everyone was curious why the Michelin Star chef named his pioneered cuisine "Span"

"Cuz nobody expects it when the Span is in cuisine, son"

What did the chef say to the fly he trapped under a strainer?

This is a fine mesh you've gotten yourself into!

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way. Although we cannoli do so much, he will forever be a pizza history. His wife? Cheese still not over it. Just goes to show here today, gone tomato. Lets send olive our prayers to the family.

What did the pastry chef say to his boss to get a raise?

I knead dough

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I went to a Japanese restaurant the other night and the chef was very angry...

He lost his tempura

A man approached me and told me he was a chef

He asked if I had spices among other ingredients to make a nice dish so I obliged. He began mixing some of the said spices and I allowed it, thinking it was to make mixed spice, then he got one of them and poured it on the floor.

It was then I realized he was wasting my thyme.

Did you hear about the chef that threw salt in a customer's eyes, followed by dumping a bowl of batter over his head?

He got charged with a salt and battering

What is a chef's favorite gun?

A-salt-rifle

I'll show myself out

What does Karl Marx, a bus driver and a sous chef at a 5-star restaurant have in common?

Everything, if Marx had his way.

My Grandad, who died in the war, could only be a chef due to his dyslexia.

He went out all buns glazing.

Hey did you hear about he Italian chef that died

Yeah last night he pastaway

What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?

Doughnut hole me back.

Did you hear about the guy who took a second job as a pizza chef?

He kneaded the dough

What did the chef say when he invested all his money into his pasta restaurant?

It was worth every penne.

A man goes to a restaurant

He orders the soup.

The waiter brings him the soup.

After a few min he flagges the waiter down.

"Is there something wrong sir?"

"I can't eat this soup"

"let me get the manager"

The manager comes over

"What is wrong sir?"

"I can't eat this soup"...

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If a bunch of Jamaican chefs got together and had a cooking contest...

Would it be called a “jerk off”?

Why did the chef miss his deadline?

He ran out of thyme.

A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested.

He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.

What do you get when you cross a chef and a waitress?

A cold meal

Did you hear about the Terrorist Chef?

He wrote a Menufeasto

What makes Jesus the best chef?

He breaks every yolk.

What gun does a military chef use?

A salt rifle

Why did the cannibal hire a sous chef?

He needed a hand with dinner.

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Why did the French chef visit the sex therapist?

Boner Petite

What happened when the chef got his hand caught in the dishwasher?

– They both got fired

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What did the Japanese chef ask to his boiling noodles?

Udon yet?

Ever heard the one about the social chef?

I told the guy "Dude you're really good with people, and the food? It's amazing!"

The chef goes "Haha, thank you, Just wait till you see what I can do with animals!"

A chef made my soup in a rush and I asked "Why didn't you add any herbs and spices?"

He said "Sorry, I didn't have the thyme".

Did you hear about the duck and Chinese chef that teamed up to deal drugs?

They were slinging quack wok!

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!” His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”

His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”

Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef know...

Once a pasta chef sat down to talk to his wife about something important

"Honey", the pasta chef said, "I know you said you wanted just two kids, but I really want three or more."

"Dear", his wife said, "are our two silly kids not enough for you?"

"Honey", the pasta chef said, "I just don't want to live having a couple silly kids. I really would like to hav...

If you kill a Sous Chef...

Does it count as Suicide?

Buddha was feeling a little down about all the suffering, so he went to the local pizzeria for a boost of spirit.

He said to the chef, "make me one with everything."

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What did the chef say to the exhibitionist?

Boner petit

Did you hear about the French chef who died?

He lost L'huile d'olive!

A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops.

He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another dec...

What do you call a chef who knows kung fu?

Jack Kitchen.

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The other day I was getting a recipe from a chef. He told me the recipe needed clarified butter...

So I asked him if he could be more specific.

I used to know an Italian chef.

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I feel horrible, he just ran out of thyme.

I am sending olive my love to his friends. His wife is really upset too. Cheese crying. He died fusilli reasons. I never sausage a tragic situation....

The rheumatologist turned chef hands you your plate

And she says
"Bon Atrophy"

What did Rick say to the Chinese chef ?

More tea

Why did the Long Island seafood chef walk into a music store?

He needed a TUNAH!

What do you call a professional chef whose specialty is traditional Vietnamese dishes?

He’s the Pho King, boss!

The Dalai Lama goes to a pizza shop

And asks the chef to make him one with everything

Heaven is a place...

* where the cops are british
* the chefs french
* the mechanics german
* the comedians american
* the lovers italian
* and everything is organized by the swiss

Hell is a place...

* where the cops are american
* the chefs british
* the mechanics french
* the come...

What is a profane chef's least favorite fish to work with?

Cod, dammit.

Did you hear about the French chef that blew up the kitchen?

They’re calling him Linoleum Blownapart

Why did the chef get arrested?

Because he beat the eggs and whipped the cream!

A pasta chef was caught stuffing the ballot boxes at a big Broadway awards show.

Apparently, he was trying to rig a Tony.

Why did the wizard become a chef?

He was great at saucery. Heh.

The chef didn’t die

He simply pastaway

What was the chef's excuse for missing homework?

He didn't have enough thyme

The chef overcooked the beef...

it was a misteak!

A common chefs error

Is to think they must always add salt to a sauce before boiling it down. This is the fallacy of reductive seasoning.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.

It's a whisk I was willing to take.

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What do you call a Japanese female Sous chef?

A Sous She Chef

Why can't sous chefs get girls?

They're all beta cooks.

At my executive chef job a couple called me out to compliment me for cooking their steak thoroughly with no pink inside.

It’s always nice to be recognized for a job well done.

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LPT: when eating out, never order the chef's salad

It's a dick move, just order your own

How did Chef Gordon Ramsay lose 100 pounds in under a month?

He started a swear jar.

What'd the Parisian chef say when he messed up his Pancakes?

"Aww Crepe."

A good chef can have conversations with animals

Well, at the very least they should be able to make some chicken stock.

Why did the pastry chef poison his pet parakeets?

He was trying to kill 2 birds with 1 scone.

What do you call an Egyptian chef?

Gordon Ramses.

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Two men walked into a Chinese restaurant and sat down to eat. To pass the time, they started talking about different countries and major religions.

"Hey Sam. You ever wondered whether there are any Jews in China?" one man asked his buddy.
"Whoa I never thought of that. Lets ask our waiter He's Chinese."

So they called the waiter and asked. "So we were curious. Are there any Chinese Jews?" one man asked.
The waiter looked confused ...

What's the difference between a chef and a beggar?

Whether there's a space between "pan" and "handler".

Italian Chefs can now get an exclusive software update for their Tesla

It's been named Carpatchio

How does the Chinese chef go to work?

He woks.

Why was the procrastinating chef’s soup always so bland?

He ran out of thyme

My friend who works as a pizza chef apparently gets paid well

He told me he's making dough.

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The Christmas Frog

I was walking on the beach and remembered this joke from a long time ago…

A wife is shopping for a Christmas present for her husband, and as with many couples, she had no idea at all what to get.

She is walking past a pet store, when the sign in the window catches her eye; “Christmas ...

A chef was preparing for his busy Friday night shift…

A chef was preparing for his busy Friday night shift when his coworker called in sick. Friday nights were always busy at the restaurant and he was the only one working the kitchen. He decides to grab one of the busboys to help him cook for the night.

“Alright,” the chef says, “tonight is busy...

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