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You hear about the chef who died

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. His wife is really upset cheese still not over it.

The police raided the kitchen of a restaurant where the chef was preparing Eggs Benedict

He was arrested for poaching.

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What's the difference between an epileptic chef at an oyster bar and a hooker with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits

The other fucks between shits

A king's chef was sentenced to death, after serving terrible food one too many times...

On the day the sentence was to be carried out, the chef brought one of his cakes and presented it to the headsman, in the hopes it would encourage him to make the death quick and painless.









When the headsman returned home, his wife asked how the proceedings had...

Why should you never mess with an Italian pastry chef?

Because he'll beat the foccacia.

rip_chef

Heard about the italian chef who died?

he pasta way, he could cannoli do so much and his legacy will be a pizza history

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died

He pasta-way

A famous Vietnamese chef named Quan Si Ho was opening a restaurant, but couldn’t decide what to name it.

His brother Bao Ho told him: “It’s trendy to name restaurants after their best dish and the name of the chef.”

“Oh really?” said Quan.

“Yeah,” Bao said. “Like LB Steak, or Pizza Angelo. You could call yours ‘Ho Noodles’ or ‘Soup by Quan Si.’”

“That’s it!” said Quan. “I’ve thoug...

My friend is a Magician & a Chef.

The food is TA! DA! for.

I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue.

I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.

Did you hear about the chef that threw salt in a person's eyes, followed by dumping a bowl of batter over his head?

He was charged with a salt and battering

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What do you call a red-headed guy who's a very good prostitute and chef?

Strawberry Pound Cake

What did the kinky chilli dish say to the chef?

Put some cumin me

Why are chefs so clingy about bread?

Because they knead them.

What happened when the Chef got caught with their hand in the Dishwasher?

They both got fired

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Came home last night to the wife watching master chef, I said to her why are you watching that you can’t cook

She replies back “well you watch porn”

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Remy the Chef Rat sits down on his therapist's couch.

His therapist says, "Remy, I haven't seen you in a while. How is everything going?"

Remy says "It's terrible. You know how I left my restaurant chef job to start my own brewpub? Well the health department just shut it down."

She says, "Oh no, Remy, that's horrible."

"And on top ...

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NSFW... A waitress and a chef at a Chinese restaurant go into the walk in fridge at work.

They are both overtaken with horniness and start to fool around.

The waitress says, "I want 69."

The chef says, "Why do you want Beef with Broccoli now?"

What's the Preferred Luxury Automobile of Sushi Chefs around the world?

Rolls Rice

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What do a chef, interrogator, and a porn star all have in common?

They all love to beat it

Why does an Irish chef only add 239 beans to his soup?

[In a thick Irish accent] Because one more would be too farty!

I ordered a bit of meat from the chef.

The waiter said they don’t serve cannibals.

Why are chefs good lovers?

Because they understand the pan needs to be hot before putting their meat in

Why do Beginner Chefs cook only Asian food?

They need to Wok before they can run.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is now a chef

With his own restaurant, so i managed to get hired in the kitchen to be near the awesomeness. But every time i ask him what he wants me to do he always says the same thing: get to da choppah!

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Its good that the Japanese chef is recovering from his alcohol addiction

He's 2 years soba already.

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A man walked into a bar and bet the bartender he could amaze him

The bartender says “I’ll take that bet!” and slaps down $20

The man reached into his pocket and pulls out a really small chef. This little chef starts cooking some food.

The bartender says “Wow! He’s got to be less than a foot tall! I am amazed” and gives the man his 20

The bart...

Famous Egyptian 19th Dynasty chef

Gordon Ramses II

What did the chef say when he stepped on something in the kitchen?

"I'm on a roll!"

OC Joke: How do chefs flirt with each other?

Hot behind

I hate it when chefs gossip about stuff

All they do is stand around and stir the pot.

Why are zombies great chefs?

They can REALLY put their heart into things

The French chef's apprentice really messed up when he dropped an ostrich egg on the floor.

Big ouef

A chef sits down with his son, who just turned eighteen

Dad: son, I believe you are ready to learn the secret to a perfect meal
Son: are you really sure I'm ready
Dad: yes son, it's thyme

I was watching Australian Master Chef last night...

Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...

I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue

I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..

He said yeah but it’s rare.

Why wouldn’t the Italian chef’s car start?

Because he had gnocchis.

I used to be on of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot

But then I discovered oven mitts

What is a profane chef's least favorite fish to work with?

cod, dammit.

Why did the Hipster Chef burn his tongue?

He ate his food before it was cool.

A Blonde went to buy a Pizza, Chef asked her, would you like it cut into 4 or 8 slices.?

Blonde replied, 4 please.

There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.

What do a cowboy, chef, and a dom all have in common?

They must whip it, whip it good.

A Mexican guy and his pet otter go to a restaurant . . .

A Mexican guy and his pet otter go to a restaurant, sit down at a table, and place their order. They are in for an early dinner and are the only customers. The chef looks down at the order slip and says incredulously: “who comes to a restaurant and orders a whole raw fish?”. His sous chef scans the ...

What did the chef say when a customer accused him of making spiceless food?

That's a basil-less accusation!

What did the dying chef say to his assistant?

I’m running out of thyme.

What do you give an abusive pasta chef who always serves wet noodles?

A re-straining order.

Did you hear about the Asian cuisine chef that dropped a dumpling on the floor?

He was charged with wonton endangerment.

Did you hear about the chef that won an award for his chickpea recipe after he died?

It was awarded post hummus.

Why did the ex-military chef fire his waitstaff?

They weren’t good at taking hors d'oeuvres.

The heart and soul of a chef

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and dinner. After a few bites of his meal, he calls the bartender over. "Normally the food here is great," the guys says. "But tonight it is really cold and bitter." "Sorry about that. My wife is doing the cooking tonight," the bartender says. "She's really p...

Last year there was a mix up at my local Chinese restaurant. The chef used Daffodil bulbs instead of onions in the chow mein and four people were hospitalised over the Christmas period.

Luckily they came out beautifully in the spring.

He used to be the village's chief, until he lost his eye...

Now he's just a chef.

A chef sees a plate on the floor.

He storms to his coworker. The coworker looks at him with a grin.

"What's wrong with you?"

"With my own two hands, I caused a dishaster!"

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I feel bad for chefs

All their hard work turns to shit.

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive

Why did the police officer arrest the chef?

For beating the eggs and whipping the cream.

A chef was resequencing a genome

To make it CRISPR

A man, who is a chef likes to steal utensils

The first he steals a big wooden spoon.

The second time he steals a plastic spatula.

This time the boss notices and says "Next time I catch you stealing, I will have you fired".

The man thinks that is a whisk I am willing to take.

A french pastry chef spends his holidays in the US and needs to go see the local medic...

Pastry chef : Euh Docteur, I häv terribeul pain when I eat chocolate!

Doctor checks him out and after a few moments says : Ah yes, typical case of <puts on sunglasses>... PAIN AU CHOCOLAT.

Everyone was shocked when the chef started talking foreign during a culinary show.

Nobody expects the Spanish-in-cuisine-show!

What did the french chef have for breakfast before he killed himself?

He had un oeuf.

Did you hear about the upcoming chef from Denmark who’s trying to break into comedy?

He’s calling himself the new Dane Cook.

A man is on a date...[NSFW]

A man is on date with a beautiful girl and he takes her to a fancy hotel with a fancy restaurant and orders the most expensive food which happens to be a traditional italian pasta. While he is eating he finds finds a strand of hair and goes ballistic with anger. He immediately calls the manager and ...

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

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Few scientists were wondering on how well humans cope with hopeless stress

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

How do you comfort a grieving sushi chef?

Wasabi for your loss.

[nsfw] A chef had a one night stand with a 5 foot tall girl.

Shouldn't come as a surprise, really. Chefs like to bone a petite.

I used to assume that if a chef is fat, it means that their food is good.

Then I learned: Never judge a cook by his blubber.

What is a chef's favorite gun?

A-salt-rifle

I'll show myself out

My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.

I may not be a chef

But boyardees hoes hurting my feelings

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Cut hair once, you’re not a barber ... Cook food once, you’re not a chef ...

Fuck a horse just once and you’re a horse fucker forever

My blond wife said she was a gourmet chef, I asked her to make ceviche.

She burned it.

Trying to upgrade the McRib sandwich

A chef at the McDonald's test kitchen walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Kind of bummed out today," the chef tells the bartender. "I've spend weeks trying to create a beef version of the McRib, and we just can't come up with anything that works." "Well, I hope you've learned from your McSteaks," t...

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Chefs make the most temporal type of art.

Within hours, it’s total shit.

Why couldn't the chef make a tasty dish?

He never had enough thyme.
(I wish I could say my 4 year old came up with this, but I don't have kids.)

How did the Mexican chef become the best cop on the force?

Consistency. He always finished a case a dia.

If the Hibachi chef is the one missing the shot...

...why am I always the one with egg on my face?

In soviet Russia...

The President of Soviet Russia visited the U.S. After a long day of negotiations at the White House, the U.S. President asks his soviet colleague, what he would like for dinner. The Soviet President replied, that he would love to try the brains of an American.

A couple month later, the U....

Jesus and Michelin Star chefs have one thing in common

They can both feed 5,000 people with 2 loaves of bread and 5 fish

What do you call 2 chefs working together in the same kitchen?

Taste Buds

What did the chefs say when they allow the cheese to be shred?

Parmesan grated.

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Chef: "How about you get to work on making the octopus balls (Takoyaki)."

Me: "Sounds good, let's get Kraken"

A chef asks an employee to grab him some cilantro

He quickly grabs the herb and returns to his boss. When he returns the chef is busy doing something and can’t take the cilantro right away.

“Give me a second,” he says

“Take your time,” the employee responds patiently.

The chef snaps back “I told you to give me a second! Also ...

Me: "Chef Ramsay, today I've prepared a Disney film for you to watch..."

Ramsay: "Is it Frozen?"

Me: "... yes"

Ramsay: "Damn..."

The poor father of a Chef sees an ad in the local newspaper: "Come visit the Carnival and see our newest attraction, the Great Winged Monster!"

So the man makes his way down to the Carnival and pays the $2.00 admission price to get inside.

While inside the Carnival grounds he walks around, seeing ads for rides, games, food, and even shows! After a couple hours he finally sees it, a sign outside an obscure looking tent saying 'Great ...

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.

It's a whisk I was willing to take.

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A man walks into a restaurant that's owned by a friend of his.

He says to his friend, "How's it going? How's the restaurant business?"

His friend says, "It's going pretty good but I got a chef that won't stop jerking off."

He tells him, "Just fire him."

"I can't. He's an amazing cook. You should try his wings. They are amazing."

"The...

Did you ever hear about the mute Thai chef?

He could wok the wok but not talk the talk.

dining at a Mexican restaurant one day, I saw the chef throw a spice bottle and hit one of the waiters in the head

"Ow! screamed the waiter, "I didn't see that cumin!"

A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested.

He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.

The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said "I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up so I can look death straight in the eyes!"

The execution...

My brother is a Karate expert, a Chef and a Lawyer.

When he's not around, Dad now calls him "Chop Suey."

I wanted to be a chef.

I figured it would add some spice to my life.

Did you know miso soup was made by a hungry chef?

He was sitting in his kitchen and said "Me so hungry"





Credit: my dad

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

How did the pasta chef get locked out of his house?

He came home from work with gnocchi.

There's only one particular type of chef who are good with animals...

...a ZOO chef

I became a chef after I left the army.

Some would say I am a seasoned veteran.

Dwayne Johnson opened a restaurant and was the head chef.

He was making stew one day and asked his assistant for help. He said "Can you move the pot back and forth so the aroma of the stew will waft out of the pot easier?" The assistant looked puzzled and Dwayne Johnson rephrased the question.

"Can you rock what the cook is smelling?"

What do you call a religious chef?

A man of the broth

My head chef had his 10 year anniversary in work today. I put some salt and pepper on him.

He's a seasoned professional

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James and his giant peach

James was a delivery boy of amazing delicious fresh Indian food from one island to another. James loved peaches, the head chef told him to take a small peach and everyday he rowed out to the neighbouring island , for his good deed his peach would grow.
James on first day of work collected butter ...

What does an Italian chef make in a Chinese restaurant?

Ciao Mein.

What do passionate Indian chefs and functional programmers have in common when they are exhausted?

They curry on.

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How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?

He spent his day cutting up vegetables

Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?

He was making up for lost thyme.

Thank you, thank you. I'll just show myself out now.

*Wow, thanks! I was expecting a much chilier reception, but your warm comments have kept those fears at bay (that's what you get for encouraging me :)*

A restaurant in Heaven is serving a Christmas special. . .

One day, on Christmas, a restaurant in Heaven is having an extravagant, 3-course Christmas special.

“For our first course,” announces the head chef, “We’ll be serving the food you most commonly ate during your time on Earth!”

So, the waiters bring out everyone’s food. Some people get ...

Why does a bored chef cut herbs?

He wants to waste thyme!

I’ll let myself out

My Grandad, who died in the war, could only be a chef due to his dyslexia.

He went out all buns glazing.

I won't be eating at my favorite Italian restaurant any more. They have a new chef named Sal.

Sal Monella.

Why did the cannibal chef rush to the Bryant helicopter crash scene?

To get some fresh grass-fed Kobe beef.

A Chef wanted to make some Filipino buns but could not figure it out

I guess he was not sia pao to make them

What did the chef do with his laddle after he got his first paycheck?

He souped it up.

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