What does an upset chef make food with?

Angrydients.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?

Yeah, he pasta way

Why are chefs good lovers?

Because they understand the pan needs to be hot before putting their meat in

You hear about the chef who died

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history. How sad that he ran out of thyme. His wife is really upset cheese still not over it.

What did the chef say when a customer accused him of making spiceless food?

That's a basil-less accusation!

What do you give an abusive pasta chef who always serves wet noodles?

A re-straining order.

I was watching an Australian cooking show this morning . The chef made meringue. The audience all cheered for him.

This surprised me. Australians usually boo-meringue.

A chef sits down with his son, who just turned eighteen

Dad: son, I believe you are ready to learn the secret to a perfect meal
Son: are you really sure I'm ready
Dad: yes son, it's thyme

What is a profane chef's least favorite fish to work with?

cod, dammit.

Have you heard about what happened with that Italian chef?

He pastaway

What did the chef say he couldn't stop cooking and burnt the food?

Sorry, I got curried away!

A man, who is a chef likes to steal utensils

The first he steals a big wooden spoon.

The second time he steals a plastic spatula.

This time the boss notices and says "Next time I catch you stealing, I will have you fired".

The man thinks that is a whisk I am willing to take.

Why was the chef locked out of his kitchen?

Because he had gnocchi.

A french pastry chef spends his holidays in the US and needs to go see the local medic...

Pastry chef : Euh Docteur, I häv terribeul pain when I eat chocolate!

Doctor checks him out and after a few moments says : Ah yes, typical case of <puts on sunglasses>... PAIN AU CHOCOLAT.

What was the epileptic chefs special menu item?

Seizure Salad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I feel bad for chefs

All their hard work turns to shit.

What do they say when a chef dies?

Recipes

A composer, a chef, and a creative writer are interviewed how they find beauty in classical music.

The composer says, "I love how the notes harmonize on the octaves when they're played, no matter the scale; anytime I hear someone singing the fifth note, I get these fuzzy feelings inside."

The creative writer answers, "What I find fascinating about music in general is the story behind the ...

What did the chefs say when they allow the cheese to be shred?

Parmesan grated.

How do you comfort a grieving sushi chef?

Wasabi for your loss.

A chef sees a plate on the floor.

He storms to his coworker. The coworker looks at him with a grin.

"What's wrong with you?"

"With my own two hands, I caused a dishaster!"

What did the french chef have for breakfast before he killed himself?

He had un oeuf.

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

Did you hear about the upcoming chef from Denmark who’s trying to break into comedy?

He’s calling himself the new Dane Cook.

Everyone was shocked when the chef started talking foreign during a culinary show.

Nobody expects the Spanish-in-cuisine-show!

Why wouldn’t the Italian chef’s car start?

Because he had gnocchis.

I was watching Australian Master Chef last night...

Some guy made a meringue and everybody cheered...

I thought... That's odd, normaly in Australia they boo meringue

Did you hear about the Asian cuisine chef that dropped a dumpling on the floor?

He was charged with wonton endangerment.

Why did the Hipster Chef burn his tongue?

He ate his food before it was cool.

Why did the police officer arrest the chef?

For beating the eggs and whipping the cream.

What is the sushi chef's dream car?

rolls rice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chef: "How about you get to work on making the octopus balls (Takoyaki)."

Me: "Sounds good, let's get Kraken"

I used to assume that if a chef is fat, it means that their food is good.

Then I learned: Never judge a cook by his blubber.

Why don't chefs have to weigh fish?

Because fish have their own scales.

How did the Mexican chef become the best cop on the force?

Consistency. He always finished a case a dia.

Why couldn't the chef make a tasty dish?

He never had enough thyme.
(I wish I could say my 4 year old came up with this, but I don't have kids.)

I used to be on of those chefs who shouts and swears a lot

But then I discovered oven mitts

What do you call 2 chefs working together in the same kitchen?

Taste Buds

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

He lost the huile d’olive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a chef that turned into a prostitute?

A cooker.

I may not be a chef

But boyardees hoes hurting my feelings

The poor father of a Chef sees an ad in the local newspaper: "Come visit the Carnival and see our newest attraction, the Great Winged Monster!"

So the man makes his way down to the Carnival and pays the $2.00 admission price to get inside.

While inside the Carnival grounds he walks around, seeing ads for rides, games, food, and even shows! After a couple hours he finally sees it, a sign outside an obscure looking tent saying 'Great ...

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Chefs make the most temporal type of art.

Within hours, it’s total shit.

An American white guy visits India.

Wanting to get a more authentic experience, he goes to an Indian restaurant and tells them to serve him their specials, no questions asked. After eating a few bites, he calls the waiter and says, "Hey, this is brilliant food, but I just have a tiny request. This is a tad bit too spicy for my taste, ...

What’s a chef’s favourite wrestling move?

The artichoke

If the Hibachi chef is the one missing the shot...

...why am I always the one with egg on my face?

A Blonde went for a pizza. The chef said would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8? Blonde said 4 please.

There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m not a chef...

but Boyardees titties sweaty today.

Jesus and Michelin Star chefs have one thing in common

They can both feed 5,000 people with 2 loaves of bread and 5 fish

My best friend was a chef. He called last week to say that he found a hidden message in his herb and spice rack. He was quite paranoid and later that day he was found dead.

I should have believed him when he said his Thyme was running out.

My blond wife said she was a gourmet chef, I asked her to make ceviche.

She burned it.

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

**waiter:** white or red?

**me, trying to impress my date:** whichever onion the chef prefers

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Peking duck

A man walks into a restaurant and orders Peking duck. He says, “I’m very particular so make sure it’s from Peking.”

About 20 minutes later the waiter returns and places a beautiful, succulent, roasted duck on his table. The man smiles, sticks his index finger in the air, twirls it around seve...

Dwayne Johnson opened a restaurant and was the head chef.

He was making stew one day and asked his assistant for help. He said "Can you move the pot back and forth so the aroma of the stew will waft out of the pot easier?" The assistant looked puzzled and Dwayne Johnson rephrased the question.

"Can you rock what the cook is smelling?"

There's only one particular type of chef who are good with animals...

...a ZOO chef

There was a man who believed that he could cook the best meal ever existed in the history of kitchen culture, and he wanted to show his dish to the most talented an known chefs from all around the world

He invited all the top chefs of the world that he could reach to and organized a nice evening where he would cook and serve his special course. After the chefs came, he went to the kitchen and began cooking. Even though the chefs insisted, he didn't let anyone in and mysteriously prepared his dish.<...

[nsfw] A chef had a one night stand with a 5 foot tall girl.

Shouldn't come as a surprise, really. Chefs like to bone a petite.

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

A chef asks an employee to grab him some cilantro

He quickly grabs the herb and returns to his boss. When he returns the chef is busy doing something and can’t take the cilantro right away.

“Give me a second,” he says

“Take your time,” the employee responds patiently.

The chef snaps back “I told you to give me a second! Also ...

I wanted to be a chef.

I figured it would add some spice to my life.

Me: "Chef Ramsay, today I've prepared a Disney film for you to watch..."

Ramsay: "Is it Frozen?"

Me: "... yes"

Ramsay: "Damn..."

So a costumer asked the chef if anyone ever orders steak raw

The chef said "Yeah but that's rare"

How did the pasta chef get locked out of his house?

He came home from work with gnocchi.

dining at a Mexican restaurant one day, I saw the chef throw a spice bottle and hit one of the waiters in the head

"Ow! screamed the waiter, "I didn't see that cumin!"

Why did the chef go to Las Vegas?

He wanted to whisk it all

Why didn’t the Italian chef show up for work?

He pasta-way

Did you ever hear about the mute Thai chef?

He could wok the wok but not talk the talk.

What do you call a religious chef?

A man of the broth

The most famous French chef was found dead, victim of poisoning, and searching for answers they called Inspector Poirot...

The man had no enemies, he owed no one money, there was no motive at all... After a long and fruitless search, the Inspector noticed that a single bottle was missing from the kitchen. He took a quick inventory, then concluded that this was the result of a suicide.

How did he know? Of course, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to a Japanese restaurant the other night and the chef was very angry...

He lost his tempura

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.

The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said "I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up so I can look death straight in the eyes!"

The execution...

My brother is a Karate expert, a Chef and a Lawyer.

When he's not around, Dad now calls him "Chop Suey."

What do passionate Indian chefs and functional programmers have in common when they are exhausted?

They curry on.

A sous chef hung some chops of meat on the ceiling, and challenged me saying he'd pay me 20$ if I could jump and bring them down, while I had to pay him 20$ if I couldn't.

I didn't accept, the steaks were too high

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the groove

A man walks into a restaurant and he's pissed off for some reason. The waiter comes up to him and says "May I take your your order."

The man looked at the waiter and screaming says "I want you to get in there and tell the chef, I want a cheese burger not too greasy and not too dry but right ...

I dated a chef once but I broke up with her.

I was honest, I told her it's not jus, it's me.

What do chefs use to play pool?

Cue-cumbers

My head chef had his 10 year anniversary in work today. I put some salt and pepper on him.

He's a seasoned professional

Did you hear the mobster tell the punchline of the joke about the famous British chef that was skewered, clean through, after falling onto more than one male Bighorn sheep?

"Gored on rams, see?"

Do you know what they say about sous chefs?

They can dish it, but they can't take it.

If you make 10 drawings, you’re not an artist

And if you cook 10 meals, you’re not a chef

But if you kill ONE person...

What is a chef's favorite gun?

A-salt-rifle

I'll show myself out

What does an Italian chef make in a Chinese restaurant?

Ciao Mein.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cut hair once, you’re not a barber ... Cook food once, you’re not a chef ...

Fuck a horse just once and you’re a horse fucker forever

A Chef wanted to make some Filipino buns but could not figure it out

I guess he was not sia pao to make them

What did the chef say to her apprentice after he cut the apples perfectly?

Knife Job! :D

Why does a bored chef cut herbs?

He wants to waste thyme!

I’ll let myself out

I became a chef after I left the army.

Some would say I am a seasoned veteran.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do we call it when two Jamaican chefs battle it out?

Jerk-Off.

What did the pastry chef say to his boss to get a raise?

I knead dough

I won't be eating at my favorite Italian restaurant any more. They have a new chef named Sal.

Sal Monella.

My Grandad, who died in the war, could only be a chef due to his dyslexia.

He went out all buns glazing.

Why should you never take financial advice from a chef?

They like to whisk it all.

An identity thief stole an Italian chef's identity.

When the police found him, they accused him if being an impasta.

My grandmother, who is a chef, says that I must always eat my mistakes.

I am a surgeon.

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment.

It's a whisk I was willing to take.

what does a sick chef put in the food?

sneezoning ......hahaha |
anyway yea he's goin to jail he caused a lot of illnesses and it seemed like it was on purpose

Joke by Phil Jamesson

In chef school, I was given an in depth lesson on cooking young swans.

In no time at all my preparation was so good, it became my signet-ure dish.

What do you call the leader of Amazon Cooking?

Chef Bezos.

Before becoming Pop stars, the Bee Gees used to be professional chefs.

You could tell by the way they used their wok.

A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested.

He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.

Why did the cannibal chef rush to the Bryant helicopter crash scene?

To get some fresh grass-fed Kobe beef.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an epileptic shellfish chef, and a prostitute with dysentery?

One shucks and fits, the other...

Anthony, a chef from Latvia, decided to open an Italian restaurant...

He named it Rigatoni's.

What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?

Doughnut hole me back.

What does Karl Marx, a bus driver and a sous chef at a 5-star restaurant have in common?

Everything, if Marx had his way.

People say smoking will give you diseases

But how can they say that when it cures salmon!!

(Lol im a smoking chef and when i heard this joke I coughed my lungs like i have the rona. Had to post it )

Why did the chef slather his sofa in duck fat?

He wanted to make it more confit

I got into hot water with the head chef

I tried to get out of it but by the end, she was reading me my marinara rights.

What did the black guy say to the chef?

What Ja-maican?

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