My grandfather came back from the war with 2 amputated legs and an amputated arm.

He never said exactly where he got them and the whole family was pretty disturbed when he displayed then over the fire place.

Doctor: During surgery, we accidentally amputated your genitals.

Patient: WTF!

Doctor: Ma’am, you need to calm down.

Doctor: “Bad news im afraid, Mr Davidson, we had to amputate both of your feet...

Good news though, the patient next door wants to buy your shoes”.

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

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I was recently in a car accident and had to have both my legs amputated.

After the crash pretty much everything went to shit. I started getting nightmares from the stress, I lost my job from being unable to work, even my wife left me.

Honestly it feels like I dont have a leg to stand on at the moment.

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Doctor to me - we're going to have to amputate your foot

Me (high AF in morphine) - ok. Cool.

Doctor to nurse - mark him to so he has nine inches below his knee.

Me - You said you were going to amputate my foot.

Doctor (sounding annoyed) -we're about to amputate your foot and you're making dick jokes?

Me - will crying bring it...

I had both my legs amputated even though only one had gangrene.

I had to sell the other one to pay for the surgery.

My friend had to get amputated in half yesterday.

Well, at least he’s all right now!

My health insurance lapsed, and my doctor amputated my leg

Now I don’t have a leg to stand on

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A man has been getting horrible debilitating headaches for a long time a& finally decided to go to the doctor...

And he’s just begging for some relief. “They just won’t stop,” he says. “I can’t do anything, my work is suffering, I can’t spend time with my family, it’s just gotta stop!”

So the doctor does some tests and says, “well there’s good news & bad news. The good news is, I found the problem, ...

A stand-up comedian got in a car accident and his legs got amputated

He's just a comedian now.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated?

He’s all right now.

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I was recently diagnosed with testicular cancer, and learned they will have to amputate one of my testicles.

Now that's TWO things I share in common with Lance Armstrong.

My buddy was in a bad motorcycle accident, and while he was hospitalized, he had to have one of his feet amputated...

Once his girlfriend found out about the surgery, she immediately left him. Turns out she was Lack Toes intolerant.

Actual true story: Met a teenager who had blood poisoning as a kid and had to have the fingers on his left hand amputated below the first joint.

He has promised me he will try the line out: "Girl, can I have your digits? 'Cause I'm missing some of mine."

Amputate?

Doctor: Mr. Franco, I'm sorry to tell you that your leg has developed gangrene, and if we don't amputate immediately, you may die due to infection.

Shall I schedule the surgery?

Mr. Franco: Hmm... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no.

As an employee in the health care industry, I make it a point to keep up with all the latest medical news. Just the other day I read about a man who had the entire left side of his body amputated.

After that, he was alright.

I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me.

She was lack-toes intolerant.

What do you call a Chinese man with an amputated leg?

Wan Shu

Ever since I got my left leg amputated, every girl has been avoiding me.

I got into a car accident a few years back and had my left leg amputated. Getting used to balancing myself on 1 leg and crutches took a lot of time. I felt that without my precious left leg, i would never be the same.

My confidence dropped severely, and the passion i had for all the things i ...

What do you call a Russian who's had both of his legs amputated?

0-leg

Doctor: “I have some bad news and some good news.”

Me: “What’s the bad news doc?”

Doctor: “I have to amputate your left foot.”

Me: “What’s the good news?”

Doctor: “You are going to start the new year on the right foot.”

A crab is fond of a new car...

A crab is fond of a new car so he goes to a car dealer.
He asks the dealer how much it will cost.
The dealer wanting to poke fun at a talking crab who wants to buy a car with no money says: "It's gonna cost you an arm and a leg!"
The crab, fancying the car, amputated his limbs before the ca...

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A British fighter pilot was shot down over German occupied airspace during WWII and...

...was captured by the Nazis on the ground. He was beaten up pretty bad in the dogfight and parachute landing, and they had to amputate his leg, so he begged them "Please, if you have to take my leg, can you drop it over my base the next time you send a bombing mission?"
The Nazis figured there w...

If Oscar Pistorius’s lower legs hadn’t been amputated

he would have been an un-de-feeted champion

My grandma got her foot amputated because of diabetes. Seeing her like this reminds me that no one can escape old age.

especially if you have one leg.

The doctors amputated my leg at the knee, but I have no idea why.

Frankly, I'm stumped.

My wife was always self-conscious about her amputated arm, so I tried to think of ways to incorporate it in a low-key manner during our intimate moments.

Suffice it to say that for a while I was stumped.

I had to have my left leg and arm amputated.

That's not what I thought the doctor meant when he said I was going to be "all right"

I broke up with my girlfriend after she had to have all of her toes amputated...

I told her before we started dating that I'm *lack-toes intolerant*.

So my best friend had his index finger amputated in an accident.

That’s dis-a-pointing.

My friend had trouble dating until he got his legs amputated.

After that, nobody stood him up again!

My girlfriend invited me to meet her parents.

Before we went over, she let me know that her father, Dale, was in a car accident and had his legs amputated at the hips. Apparently, it was a sensitive issue, and I was not to mention it.

When we arrived, her dad greeted us at the door. Not seeing his wife anywhere, I said to him, “Dale, it...

My hand got amputated recently :c

On the other hand, i have a new girlfriend.

What do you call an amputated finger?

Disposable thumb

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Vacation Blues

I had returned from my vacation trip to China during which I spent an evening with a most interesting young lady.
One morning about a week later I felt the most excruciating pain coming from my penis.

Upon inspection I discovered to my horror that my penis had turned blue and green.
...

An American patriot with amputated arms decides to replace them.

He obtains a pair of grizzly bear arms from a black market, and attaches them on his own, with the help of a friend.

He is arrested for contribution to animal cruelty and performing medical procedures unlicensed.

When taken to court, he gives a speech defending his right to bear arms.

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Waiting Room Nerves

Two young men are worried and nervously comparing their symptoms in the doctor's waiting room. They are amazed that each of them is seeing the doctor for a colored ring around the base of his penis. One has a red ring and the other a green ring.

The young man with the red ring goes in first...

Yesterday, I saw a guy harassing a diabetic who recently had parts of his foot amputated.

I guess the first guy was lack toes intolerant.

I told the doctor I want to take my amputated leg home and he asked why

"Because it's my right"

How did the woman feel after her legs were amputated?

Defeeted

Amputated

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: We amputated the wrong leg.

Patient: What is the good news?

Doctor: Your other leg won't need to be amputated after all.

I amputated my own fingers to get a date with a cute surgeon

She finally took my digits this time!

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A man is sitting alone at home, when suddenly there’s a knock at his door ...

Standing at the door is a door to door salesman.

Man: Whatever you’re selling, I’m not interested.

Salesman: But what I’m selling is very interesting. I’m a purveyor of luxury prosthetics. Allow me to demonstrate.

And he raises the right leg of his pants. His leg is solid gold!...

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A patient wakes up after surgery.

A quite nervous doctor is waiting in the room.

"I don't know how to say this, but the surgeon made a mistake and amputated your penis.

"That imbacile did what? I'm going to sue him for everything he owns.

"Miss, please calm down."

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A pirate walks into a bar

The bartender notices the pirate has a peg leg.

Bartender: Wow! What happened to your leg?

Pirate: We was in a fight on the high seas and there ‘‘twas a cannonball shot into it. They had to amputate me leg.

The bartender then notices a hook on one of his arms.

Bartender: ...

Best amputation jokes?

Friend has bone cancer, may be getting an arm amputated. We have run "I'd give my left arm" and "Single-handedly" puns into the ground, and we need more amputation jokes.

Ever since my wife had her toes amputated I can't stand to be around her.

I guess I'm *lack toes* intolerant.

I woke up after surgery and said to the doctor, "I can't feel my legs!"

"I know," he said, "I amputated your arms."

A man wakes up in hospital after an accident. The Dr says, " Sir, I have some good news and some bad news, which would you like first? "

The man says, "Give me the bad news".
Dr - " I'm afraid we've had to amputate both of your legs".
Man - " Oh my gosh, what's the good news?"
Dr- " The man in that bed wants to buy your shoes."

If a well endowed woman works at Hooters, where does a guy with an amputated leg work?

IHOP

A man wakes up in a hospital bed and yells “Doctor! Doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replies “I know, I amputated your arms.”

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Traditional Herbal Medicine

A guy, having been with a lot of questionable women, starts developing a bad rash and severe groin pain. After several weeks, he finally goes to see his doctor.

The doctor says, "I'm real sorry, but the infection has gone way too far, we're going to have to amputate your penis." The guy doe...

New doctor is being mentored by old doctor...

...as they make rounds visiting patients, new doctor reads the chart of one of the patients and turns really sad.

Old doc: "what's the matter?"

New doc: "Well, this young patient is about to have his leg amputated and I have no idea how to break these terrible news to him."

Old...

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Jealous wife gets call from husband late for supper

He said, "Baby, I know I'm late, but I had a terrible accident at work. My friend Brenda brought me to the hospital. I lost one arm and I have three hundred staples in my head. I probably won't live through the night. If I do, they'll have to amputate both legs and I'll need around-the-clock care fo...

A mom asks a doctor "How's my son?" the doctor answers "He's all right"

\-Great, I thought something bad happened.

\-It did, we had to amputate his left arm and left leg, so now he's ALL right.

A patient wakes up in recovery after his operation...

The doctor places his hand on the man's shoulder and tells him, "I have some good news and I have some bad news".

The man asks the doctor for the bad news first.

"I am afraid we have had to amputate both your legs.." says the doctor

The man is naturally upset and shocked at the ...

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A guy goes to his doctor... his leg is turning blue.

The doctor runs some tests and says: “you got a rare degenerative condition. We’ll have to amputate.” So the guy gets his leg amputated and fitted with a prosthetic. Couple of weeks later, the other leg starts going blue. Doctor delivers the same news. So the second leg is also amputated.

Two...

A man bought a bar

A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable.

He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, e...

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe...

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foo...

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A man has been going to the doctor trying to make his penis larger

One day he is on his way to see this doctor when he loses control of his car and gets into a major accident

The car is claimed as a total loss and he is rushed to the hospital where he is pronounced dead

Thankfully, with hours of trying, the doctors are able to resuscitate him but he r...

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! 

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

During WWI, an English fighter pilot is shot down over Germany

...the accident is terrible, and he wakes up as a prisoner in the hospital, badly injured. The German Dr. arrives: " Ve haf bad news - ve haf to amputate your arm".
The English pilot responds: "Oh no, that's bloody unfortunate. Can you do me a favor, - have one of your pilots drop it off over...

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A man with "Manchurian Dick"

A man came home from Thailand after a few weeks there. One of his biggest motivations for going there was the prostitutes, spending his whole vacation screwing, he was very concerned about his penis. It was turning colours and was very painful. He gets it checked by visiting his family doctor. The m...

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A man takes a vacation in Bangkok

While he is there, he is approached by a"bar girl". She is beautiful and the price is too low to turn down, so the man agrees to the "$2 special"
Back home in America a couple weeks later, the man is peeing and to his horror, he sees his penis has turned green! He immediately schedules an appoint...

A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade

, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.

Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.

He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the G...

A man was in a horrific car accident and rushed to the hospital. A few days later, he woke up startled and yelled, “Doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”

The doctor replied, “I’m sorry, but we had to amputate your arms.”

An american soldier was a russian POW captive

One day his left arm got infected and they needed to amputate.
Can you send my arm back to America?
Yes
The next week his right arm got infected and needed to be amputated.
Can you send it back to america?
Yes
The next week his left leg got infected and needed to be amputated
...

A Russian Scientist Teaches frogs to Jump on Command

Altogether he has four frogs. He says, "Jump, froggies, jump."

Interestingly enough they all jump at the same time.

He cuts off their front right legs to see if they jump differently. Indeed, they do. They jump on his verbal command once again.

He keeps amputating their limbs on...

What's a phrase you can't stand to hear?

"Sorry sir, but we had to amputate both legs.."

A motorcyclist is in an accident.

He wakes up in the hospital to find a doctor at his bedside.

"Oh good, you are awake" the doctor says. "Listen, you have been in a motorcycle accident. It was pretty severe."

"How severe?" the man asks.

"Well, to that end there is good news and bad news. Which would you prefer?...

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NSFW A man and a woman are making passionate love...

and the man dies of a heart attack.

The undertaker removes the body and prepares it for burial, the problem being that the erection that the guy had has not gone away, and unless something can be done, the coffin will need something like a periscope to accomodate the protruding organ. They p...

A man awakes to find himself in hospital, and soon begins yelling in terror, “Oh my god, what’s happening? I can’t feel my legs!’

The doctor walks in, very solemn, and says, “Yes Mr. Johnson, I’m sorry, we had to amputate your arms.”

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