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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

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What’s cold, sore, and you can never get rid of?

Our bitch ass loser president

My landlord managed to get rid of 230 pounds of ugly fat...

he evicted me!

Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants

By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.

My roommate scratched my non stick frying pan so I had to get rid of it.

Anyone looking for an apartment?

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care...

My doctor told me to get rid of all the bad food in my pantry.

It was delicious

The Washington Redskins finally decided to change their name to get rid of the association with historical racism

They'll now be known as the Arlington Redskins.

How did Canada get rid of all their COVID cases?

They sent all the Americans home to their own country.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?

All they said was “Bach, Bach, Bach...”

With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?

They work it out with a pencil.

I tried to get rid of an annoying person earlier, so I asked them, "Do you know French?"

*"Because adieu."*

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The husband really hates the cat so he decides to get rid of her

He grabs the cat, drives 5 blocks down the road and throws the cat out of the window of his car. Then he turns the car and drives home. 20 mins later the cat is back!

"Well, that wasn't far enough" thinks the man, grabs again the cat and drives 5 miles down the highway and then throws the cat...

Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?

He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

How do you get rid of a republican?

You tell him that economy is suffering and he should sacrifice himself.

How do women get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

They spit it out

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What’s the fastest way to get rid of a boner?

Scissors

I went to a chemist to get rid of the coronavirius

I went into chemist.
Asked the assistant 'what gets rid of coronavirus?'

She said 'ammonia cleaner'.

I said 'I'm sorry, I thought you worked here'

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "H...

I had to get rid of my vacuum cleaner.

It really sucked.

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The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.

They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.

The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.

Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be mea...

My wife said if I don't get rid of all my Sonic merchandise, she's going to leave me. Taking all offers.

It's gotta go fast.

How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.

My wife always has a headache when I come home from work. I asked her if I could help her get rid of it.

She said, “Yes, leave the room.”

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My Therapist: Get rid of all the people in your life that cause you trouble.

Me: Last time I tried that y'all put me on suicide watch!

I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it...

I guess as long as I live with my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.

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One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.


The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."


This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed ...

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My brassiere business closed today and I have a lot to get rid of.

Just PM me pictures of your boobs and I'll see if we have any in your size!

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I have decided to get rid of Google and Wikipedia:

I will just ask my wife, she fucking knows everything.

I'm trying to get rid of my bike. It doesn't have a seat and it hurts to ride. Nobody wants it, so I'm stuck with it.

It's a vicious cycle.

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

What’s a quick way to get rid of Jehovah’s Witnesses?

Ask them if they’re here for the orgy.

I had to get rid of my apparatus for straining out fish appendages.

It was a fin sieve.

(My first joke)A cat kept taking a pee on the steps to my porch. So i call my father-in-law and ask him how to get rid of it,

He says "dig a 2 foot deep hole, fill it half way with ash. Get a can of pees and put some around the freshly dug hole. When the cat comes to take a pee, kick it in the ash-hole"

Go easy on me i loled when i was told this a few years back.

How to get rid of anti-vaxxers ??

Natural selection

What do pigs put on their skin to get rid of acne?

Oinkment

How do you get rid of capitalism?

Just get rid of the shift and caps lock keys.

Scientists have recently created a new plan to get rid of the large trash island in the ocean

They call it "Brexit".

I was determined to get rid of my alcohol addiction without anyone´s help.

Ended up making things worse as I was drunk and self-driven.

A murderer wants to get rid of the evidence

by throwing it into the local sea. However, there's a catch - the town's richest man owns a lot of property, including the sea and all its beaches. The rich man is somewhat paranoid of people trespassing on his property, so he has a private police force. The police are split into 4 teams, named Poli...

Nobody believes me when I tell them I had a splinter when touring Spain and a playful little kid helped get rid of it.

Nobody expects the Spanish imp incision.

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A man decides to get rid of the cat who keep crappin in his shoes...

So he takes the cat to the local park, releases him in the bushes and goes home.

Upon coming home, his wife tells him the cat's back and sleepin on the couch.

The man is shocked but determined to get rid of the cat, he drives the cat into the forest and walks deep into the woods and re...

I’ve been looking to get rid of some male geese.

Would you like to take a gander?

Had to get rid of my Hoover due to lack of use

It was just sitting around collecting dust

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LPT: If you are a minor, get rid of your bathroom mirror so you won't see yourself naked and accidentally get arrested and registered as a sex offender.

Spread the word.

Need to get rid of some of your junk?

Pack it up in Amazon boxes and leave it on your front porch.

My doctor said "You need to get rid of 130 pounds of unhealthy fat"...

.. So I called a divorce lawyer.

My friend is running around trying to get rid of silent vowels

but I say it's a waste of Tim.

How do you get rid of Al-Qaeda?

Give the goats STD's

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How do you get rid of the butterflies in your stomach?

Stop eating caterpillars.

They've finally figured out how to get rid of BDSM

The clampdown starts this week

I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

Why did REO Speedwagon have to get rid of their aggressive pet cat?

They couldn't fight this feline anymore.

Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of.

Is it a virus or a free U2 album?

I don't understand why Windex didn't get rid of my computer virus.

I was told it's great at disinfecting Windows!

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My girlfriend said she wanted to try and get rid of her love handles.

I said she would look fucking stupid without any ears.

Finally bought a puppy for the wife and I, but it turns out my wife's allergic to dogs, so we had to get rid of her.

The dog and I live happily together now.

I used to date an opera singer, but I had to get rid of her...

She was all "Mi, mi, mi..."

I asked my friend, "if you had to get rid of one body part what would it be?"

He said, "My spine, it holds me back."

They say a good nights rest can get rid of a headache...

If you ask my parents they’d say it doesn’t do anything.

How can we get rid of the Electoral College?

Put Jane Sanders in charge of it.

What's the most effective way to get rid of crabs?

Shave half your pubes, light the other half on fire and smash them with a hammer when they come running out.

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How to get rid of a tape worm

This guy went to the doctor and complained of having a tape worm. The doctor said, "I'm going to put you on a strict diet of 2 hard boiled eggs and a lemon cookie for every meal. Come back in a week."

So that night the guy had 2 hard boiled eggs and a lemon cookie for dinner. The next day for...

My girlfriend is so scared of spiders that she removes herself from the house until I get rid of them.

I've been living alone and peacefully for six hours now.

I decided to try the ancient Chinese practice of using needles to get rid of back pain…

The heroin worked a treat for me.

What do you do to get rid of an obese demon?

You exorcise him.

I'd like to commit suicide to get rid of my indecisiveness

but I don't wanna jump into conclusions.

[body shape - help request] M, 18, struggling to get rid of a body fit for a 46 year old...

Seriously guys, do I cut it up or just bury it whole?

I can’t bring myself to get rid of my broken grandfather clock...

It’s such a timeless piece.

My Asian girlfriend told me that if I wanted us to stay together I needed to get rid of my dog

It was a no Nguyen situation.

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

My buddy from Atlanta Georgia swears this works.

Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint.

Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick.

The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the m...

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A man hires an assassin and meets him outside his house. He tells his wife he is going to play golf. He knows his wife is cheating on him and he wants to get rid of her and her lover.

"I want one bullet in my wife's head and the other in that bastard's dick"
The assassin replied calmly, aiming down his sights.
"Well, as of now, I only need one."

Why is it so hard to get rid of a hippie?

When you ask them if they want to go home, they usually say "Namaste"

How do you get rid of itch?

Start from scratch.

Her: Wanna come over? Him: I can't, I have to get rid of some bodies

Her: My Parents aren't home
Him: I know

Man hates wife's cat and tries to get rid of it

This guy’s wife gets a cat and he hates it. So one day, while his wife is gone to work, the guy puts the cat in the back seat of the car, drives a few blocks, and lets the cat out. When he gets home, the cat’s sitting there on the front porch.

So the next day, the guy waits until his wife lea...

The US government has been trying to get rid of Fidel Castro for 50 years.

Trump gets elected, and Castro is dead within 3 weeks.

My mom told me to get rid of my brick toys

But I just can't lego

My apartment has more than nine ants, but my landlord refuses to get rid of them.

He claims they have **ten ants' rights**.

Why did Katie Holmes get rid of her fancy car?

She got tired of all that Cruise control.

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How does a stripper get rid of her drug problem?

She drops him off at band practice.

How do you get rid of the unwanted 200 pounds in your life?

You break up with her.

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