Get Rid Of Jokes - 86 Hilarious Get Rid Of Jokes

If you HAD to get rid of one race, which one would you get axe?

Personally for me it would be the 200m. It lacks the raw sprinting ability needed for the 100m, and the stamina needed for the 400m.

How's Donald Trump going to get rid of all the Mexicans?

Juan by Juan.

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "H...

A Man Hates His Wife's Cat, So He Decides To Get Rid Of It

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed...

If you could get rid of any race, which would you choose?

I'd pick the 400 meters, it's too long for a sprint and it's too short to be a true endurance race.

What do you drink to get rid of a hard on?

Any soft drink will do

Why did Mozart get rid of all his chickens?

He asked them who the best composer was and didn’t like their answer.

How do I get rid of my ‘Check Engine’ light on my dash?

I opened the hood and it’s all there

How does a lawyer get rid of their cancer?

They write a cease and de-cyst.

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The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.

They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.

The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.

Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be mea...

How do you get rid of a New York rat?

Why a New York D.A. of course.

How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?

They work it out with a pencil.

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The parents want to get rid of the family's pet bunny.

A family has a pet rabbit, but their son and daughter fail to do their part when it comes to cleaning its cage etc. and so the parents decide to quietly kill off the bunny and tell the kids that it ran away. So that's what they do, and since it's a well-fed bunny and they don't want to let all that ...

A man secretly wants to get rid of his wife's cat...

...and decides to abandon it. He takes her into the car, drives a few blocks away, drops off the cat and drives home.

Ten minutes later, the cat is back home again.

"Well," the man thinks to himself, "maybe it was a little too short a distance."

He gets back in the car with the ...

How do you get rid of one?

Add a G and it's gone.

How does Mike Tyson get rid of his meth?

By hiring a housekeeper

My doctor told me that only exercise will get rid of my big belly.

I asked him if I should join a gym. He said, "No, that's not necessary. Here's the exercise you need: Move your head back and forth from left to right anytime someone asks you if you'd like something to eat."

How do you get rid of a headache?

Put your head through a window and the pane will disappear.

how to get rid of hiccups

Hold your breath for 15 minutes

How do you get rid of mosquitos?

Call the SWAT team.

How can you get rid of the Proud Boys?

Just type alt-right delete.

Trump followed through with his plan to get rid of illegal immigrants

By making America so bad they'll leave on their own.

How do you get rid of fleas?

You talk to them politely,

"Fleas go away"

How do scientists get rid of bodies?

Barium

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How do you get rid of a porn addiction?

Just beat it.

Why did the restaurant get rid of their high-top tables?

Because they were short staffed…

Why did the Broncos get rid of their vending machine?

Because they finally got their quarterback.

Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of.

Is it a virus or a free U2 album?

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What is the fastest way to get rid of a boner?

The Washington Redskins finally decided to change their name to get rid of the association with historical racism

They'll now be known as the Arlington Redskins.

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care...

I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it...

I guess as long as I live with my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.

Even though we're progressing, we really need to get rid of certain races.

Such as the 800 meter dash.

How did Canada get rid of all their COVID cases?

They sent all the Americans home to their own country.

Where does the gardener go to get rid of her unwanted flowers?

Plant Parenthood

Q: Want to know how can you get rid of 16lb of ugly fat in less than 5 minutes?

A: Cut your head off

A German city is the first in the world to get rid of school lunches and replace them with a bug-based alternative..

A spokesperson for the school said that they’ve had to fight an onslaught of misinformation about the program like the ridiculous theory that world is controlled by lizard people.

How do you get rid of fat demons?

With a treadmill. You exercise them.

I had to get rid of my vacuum cleaner

All it did was sit in the cupboard and gather dust

You know, I can't think of many guys who would walk all the way to a volcano to get rid of a ring.

But Elijah Wood.

How do women get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

They spit it out

How do you get rid of capitalism?

Just get rid of the shift and caps lock keys.

Mr. Johnson wanted to get rid of a redwood tree in his backyard, so he put an ad in the paper asking for a lumberjack to get rid of the tree. Many lumberjacks tried to cut down the tree, but they all failed.

One day, a very skinny man with a plastic spoon knocked on Mr. Johnson's door. "I would like to try to cut down your tree," he said.

"With just that plastic spoon?" gasped Mr. Johnson.

"Yes," said the skinny man. The two of them went to the backyard, and the skinny man tapped the redwo...

How to get rid of anti-vaxxers ??

Natural selection

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS

My buddy from Atlanta Georgia swears this works.

Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint.

Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick.

The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the m...

I had a foot fungus I was going to try to get rid of

But then it really started growing on me.

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

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The husband really hates the cat so he decides to get rid of her

He grabs the cat, drives 5 blocks down the road and throws the cat out of the window of his car. Then he turns the car and drives home. 20 mins later the cat is back!

"Well, that wasn't far enough" thinks the man, grabs again the cat and drives 5 miles down the highway and then throws the cat...

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

A murderer wants to get rid of the evidence

by throwing it into the local sea. However, there's a catch - the town's richest man owns a lot of property, including the sea and all its beaches. The rich man is somewhat paranoid of people trespassing on his property, so he has a private police force. The police are split into 4 teams, named Poli...

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church?

Let us spray!!!

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

My roommate scratched my non stick frying pan so I had to get rid of it.

Anyone looking for an apartment?

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 1...

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I have decided to get rid of Google and Wikipedia:

I will just ask my wife, she fucking knows everything.

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How to get rid of a tape worm

This guy went to the doctor and complained of having a tape worm. The doctor said, "I'm going to put you on a strict diet of 2 hard boiled eggs and a lemon cookie for every meal. Come back in a week."

So that night the guy had 2 hard boiled eggs and a lemon cookie for dinner. The next day for...

My doctor told me to get rid of all the bad food in my pantry.

It was delicious

How do you get rid of Al-Qaeda?

Give the goats STD's

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My brassiere business closed today and I have a lot to get rid of.

Just PM me pictures of your boobs and I'll see if we have any in your size!

How can we get rid of the Electoral College?

Put Jane Sanders in charge of it.

A farmer was retiring and in preparation for selling of his farm, needed to get rid of his animals. So, he went to every house in his town to sell them.

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse.

To the houses where the woman is the boss, he gave a chicken.

He comes towards the end of the street, and sees a couple outside gardening.

"Who's the boss around here?" , he asked.

"I am", said the man.

"I ...

Had to get rid of my Hoover due to lack of use

It was just sitting around collecting dust

I’ve been looking to get rid of some male geese.

Would you like to take a gander?

What do pigs put on their skin to get rid of acne?

Oinkment

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A man walks into the local cathedral and says to the rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”

The rector is astonished. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Are you deaf? I said I want to join this fucking church!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building.”
“Okay, twat face, I want to speak to someon...

How do you get rid of itch?

Start from scratch.

I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say...

Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

They've finally figured out how to get rid of BDSM

The clampdown starts this week

I tried to get rid of an annoying person earlier, so I asked them, "Do you know French?"

*"Because adieu."*

Little Johny wanted to get rid of his cat...

Little Johny was bored of his cat so he takes the cat 5 blocks away from his house and drops it off. When he gets home he sees that the cat is there for him.

Little Johny picks up the cat and takes it 15 blocks away and drops it off and begins to walk home. Once he gets home the cat is there ...

My doctor said "You need to get rid of 130 pounds of unhealthy fat"...

.. So I called a divorce lawyer.

I had to get rid of my apparatus for straining out fish appendages.

It was a fin sieve.

What's the most effective way to get rid of crabs?

Shave half your pubes, light the other half on fire and smash them with a hammer when they come running out.

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My Therapist: Get rid of all the people in your life that cause you trouble.

Me: Last time I tried that y'all put me on suicide watch!

My wife always thinks really hard about ironing vs. putting her shirts in the dryer to get rid of wrinkles.

I asked her to not be so clothes-minded.

My friend is running around trying to get rid of silent vowels

but I say it's a waste of Tim.

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How do you get rid of the butterflies in your stomach?

Stop eating caterpillars.

With this whole virus pandemic, I think it’s become clear we need to get rid of certain races for potentially spreading the virus.

Like the Tour de France for example. Too many people standing right next to each other. Can’t be too cautious these days...

They say a good nights rest can get rid of a headache...

If you ask my parents they’d say it doesn’t do anything.

A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

“After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

“If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

“We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she...

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He as...

I don't understand why Windex didn't get rid of my computer virus.

I was told it's great at disinfecting Windows!

Why is it so hard to get rid of a hippie?

When you ask them if they want to go home, they usually say "Namaste"

Why did REO Speedwagon have to get rid of their aggressive pet cat?

They couldn't fight this feline anymore.

I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

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