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Removal Jokes

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Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

I have this bad feeling that I’m about to be fired from my graffiti removal job.

The writing is on the wall.

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I'd been collecting coprolite for years, must have spent thousands, only for some completely useless removal guys to lose the whole collection during my house move.

I wasn't just angry. I completely lost my shit.
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Gorilla removal

A guy was drinking beers one day at his house and he heard some banging on the roof, so he walks outside sees a gorilla on the roof says nope fuck that and goes back inside and watches tv A lwhile later he sees an ad on TV for gorilla removal it says in and out in 30 minutes. The guy calls up the nu...

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Gorilla Removal

" A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a la...

My tattoo removal specialist, Dr Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.

"How on earth are you a free man?" I asked him.

"Nobody expects the Spanish ink physician" he said.

I am afraid that I’m about to lose my job at the graffiti removal company for poor performance.

The writing…is on the wall.

What do you call a cheap hair removal service?

A rip off

It's official, the City Council has approved the removal of all u-turns in town.

There's no turning back now.

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Two removal men are moving expensive vases

The old removal man is training up the young one but the young one seems a little stupid.

The old man is loading a vase into the back of the van when he hears a smash next to him. He looks over and sees a broken vase and the young man staring at a woman.

The old man says "what the hell...

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Personally I think removal of net neutrality will be great. It will offer our businesses new opportunities for development which will help the economy in the long run

Edit: son of a bitch, they're hijacking accounts already!!

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

I just saw a sign that said "laser hair removal 50% off"

I guess that might be acceptable for some people, but I want it 100% off if I'm paying for it.

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Gorilla Removal

A man came home from work to an escaped gorilla on the roof of his house. He quickly Googled how to remedy this situation and stumbled upon a phone number for a gorilla removal expert.
He called.
When the expert arrived, he hopped out of his truck with a baseball bat, shotgun and his rottwe...

A Home Owner walks into his Back Yard...

And sees a gorilla in his tree. He calls the Gorilla Removal Services (GRS) and they send one of their guys over.

The man shows up with a stick, hand cuffs, a chihuahua and shot gun and goes on to explain how he'll get the Gorilla down.

GRS Guy: "I'm going to climb this tree and poke ...

Hair removal

Andrea, found out her dog, a Schnauzer, could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurri...

Saw an ad for 50% off laser hair removal

Why stop at half? Might as well get the whole thing done.

I just started a pubic hair removal business, and I’m only taking in female customers for the first few months.

I don’t want to go nuts right away.

A strict submarine captain is reassigned to a new submarine...

... after a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen nary a minute off, he saw derogatory posters about him taped around the craft.

Calling for his first officer, he said:
"First Officer, I demand that the submarine be scoured, and every one of t...

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While everyone is arguing over whether it's called a snow blower or a snow thrower, I invented a way to turn a dishwasher into snow removal device.

...
I bought my wife a snow shovel.

It’s difficult to find a good jaw removal doctor.

You can never rely on word of mouth.

I dropped some hair removal cream onto my globe.

Now I feel like I've got the world at my Veet.

I had one of those horrible moments this morning when I confused my wife's hair removal cream with the toothpaste.

Mind you, my legs have never smelt so minty!

My father owned a body removal business

He lifted a lot of dead weight

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Surgical Removal of a Mole

I'm back from hospital now. ... I had a mole removed from my penis.


The surgeon said I'll be OK, but the RSPCA said they'll prosecute if I ever do it again.

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My work in septic removal does pay well...

... but it's still a shit job.



I'll show myself to the door now >.>

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Did you hear that the Irish are protesting for the removal of the Leprechaun image on the Lucky Charms box because it's offensive?

Just kidding, the Irish aren't offended by jack shit because they're not pussies.

A guy walks in to his backyard and sees a gorilla in his tree

He gets online and finds a man who specializes in gorilla removal. When he arrives at the house he has a stick, a set of handcuffs, a chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use the stick to hit the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Upon lan...

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."


"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."


"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Bec...

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In Light Of China's Announced One-Child Policy Removal.

Get Yo' Freak On China. #NationalSexDay

Gorilla Removal

One morning a woman is washing dishes and looking out her kitchen window when she notices a gorilla in a tree in her back yard. Not knowing what to do she looked in the yellow pages under "gorilla removal" and found a number.
About a half hour later a man in a pick up truck with a ladder, shot...

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