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Lard Jokes

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

Where do you get more lard from?

The larder.

How do you properly greet a very fancy duck as you walk by?

M’lard

When my Grandad fell seriously ill we covered his back in lard.

He went downhill rapidly after that.

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

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Gunfighter

Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero.One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and tw...

Doctor goes hunting

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and ...

A kid asked his older brother what he could do to grow taller.

The brother told him to put lard on his head every day. So the kid said "Mom has some Crisco. Will that work?" And the brother said "No, stupid! That's shortening!"

At home remedy...

My brother rubbed lard on his back to help cure Covid, he went down hill fast after that.

Skinny Dipping Boys Checking the Other's Manhood

Two boys were skinny dipping and the one couldn't help noticing the size of the other's manhood, so he asked, "How did you get it so big?" The other boy responded, "Well, I rub it down every night with lard." Two weeks later they were back at the swimming hole. Once again there was a comparison made...

My grandad was recently taken ill

My grandad was recently taken ill, so we took him to hospital. He seemed ok for the first 3 days, but on day 3 they covered his entire back in lard. He began to go down hill really quickly after that.

How does the court jester address the King of Ducks?

Mal’Lard

What did the cook say when he accidentally dropped the jar of duck fat?

Ma-lard!

A man was asking a doctor about *increasing his manhood*

The doctor recommends he rubs his member with lard twice a day, for a week. Baffled, but willing to try anything he follows orders. When he returns a week later he's fuming mad with the doctor. *It got smaller!* he exclaims. The doctor asks what kind of lard he was using, the answer was Crisco. The ...

What happens when you are hugging Dwayne Johnson and a pig?

You’re stuck between The Rock and a lard place.

What do you call an interesting piece of fat?

Avant Lard.

I love bacon.

Everytime I eat it I get a lard-on.

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A man goes to the doctor to see if there is any thing he can do to make his penis larger...

...and after a thorough examination the doctor says that there's nothing medical science can do for him, however there's an old country remedy that he could try. "Just rub lard on it every day and in a couple of weeks you should see some result." Two weeks go by and the man go back to the doctor. "S...

My grandpa Lloyd was 5'5", and his brother Chris was 6'3". When they were growing up...

...and it became clear that they were going to have a significant difference in their heights, Lloyd asked Chris if he was doing anything special to become so tall.

Chris leaned in close and quietly said, "It sounds silly, but every night before I go to bed, I sneak into the pantry, take a ha...

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Penis Enlardment

Doug was showering after a workout at the gym when he noticed that the guy next to him had an enormous penis. His own junk being somewhat on the small side, Doug asked him if his mammoth member was natural or if there was a trick to it.


"Oh, there's a trick. Every night before bed, rub s...

I'm at an awkward weight

I'm fat enough to not look good with my shirt off, but not fat enough for it to become part of my charm.

I'm caught between a rock and a lard place.

How many pork chops does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't know; it's lard to tell.

So I was walking through rural Georgia when...

...I passed a little lady with white hair and deep wrinkles sitting on her front porch who waved to me. I decided to amble up, say hello, and see if I could determine the secret to her longevity.

She told me her name was Ida and that she'd lived in this house her whole life, just as her par...

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The other day, I died and went to hell...

(Note: replace the name 'Jim' with the name of someone in the group that you're telling this joke to)

The other day Jim and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells...

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