UPJOKE
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Quick Jokes

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

me: "yeah, but it was fast"

Why do short people get angry more quickly?

Because the point to which "they've had it up to here" is much lower.

Guy runs into a bar, yells "Quick! How tall is a penguin?"

Bartender says "Three feet tall."

Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

My buddies always ask me how I can get fat girls to bed so quick.

I tell them t’s easy, just a piece of cake

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quick story.. of a joke

I (Richard)was out visiting a friend from the Military, we had been very close and out for a long time, but still very close friends. While I was at his house with him and his wife, she said the following. " Some people and I were talking about nicknames and that some of them don't really make sens...

Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it!"

Husband: [peeing on jellyfish] "This is for stinging my wife."

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

Quick, give me a whisky before it gets started!

A man walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Quick, give me a whisky before it gets started!"

"Before what gets started?"

"Never mind, just give me a whisky, quick!"

It sounds urgent, so the barman gives him a drink.

The customer downs it in one gulp and says, "Another...

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My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, quick!

So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted,...

Quick question

How much no more tears shampoo do you have to rub in a baby's eyes before it stops crying?

Guy races into a bar looking very flustered and says to the bartender "Quick, give me a shot of your finest Scotch before the trouble starts"

The guy downs the scotch in a single gulp and glancing nervously towards the doors says **"Quick, give me another shot of you finest Scotch before the trouble starts"**

The guy downs that Scotch too and says, ***"Quick, another shot before the trouble starts".*** The barman pauses and says **...

Jim and Edna are both mental patients. One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air. Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.

Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes "Edna, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane 'saving anothers life'. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom ..."
"Oh no' Edna ...

Dad: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.

Me: [hesitantly] You're... an ambulance.

Dad: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son [dies]

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I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

What do you call an argument that ends too quickly?

Agreegious.

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers:

"Hey cheeky!" She said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"

"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam." I said sternly. "I don't even work here."

A guy calls 911 and says: "Please, send the cops quickly, there are two women fighting over me"

Says the male 911 operator: "That sounds pretty good for you, why do you want the police to come?"

Says the caller: "Because the fat one is winning!"

Just a quick note to my American cousins. Voting is like driving a car....

'D' to go forward.

'R' to go reverse.

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I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

Why does the French army surrender so quickly?

They have nothing Toulouse.

A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling y...

I said "Waiter, bring me a gin, and make it quick!"

He said "Sorry sir, we only have sloe gin".

I was surprised Wagner got to Moscow so quickly

I guess they were really Russian.

I wrote a quick preparation recipes book called "wait less meals."

You add two scoops of ice cream and a coke to every meal and it's afloat!

Why can’t Superman drive quickly?

He always gets stuck in the Lois lane.

Why did a blonde on a diet eat her food quickly?

She thought she was fasting.

Quick thinking

A beautiful young woman wearing a revealing black dress and a sharp-dressed middle-aged man were sitting across from one another in an exclusive, high-end New York City restaurant; long white tablecloths and perfectly arranged place settings with one small white candle burning brightly in the center...

Whenever my wife starts singing, I quickly run and sit outside where the neighbours can see me

I don't want them to think that am hitting her.

Quick joke

A Sandwich walks into a bar, and orders a drink. The bartender looks at the sandwich and says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here".

What makes a man age quickly?

A manager

The Delta Variant is burning through the South so quickly

They should call it the Sherman Variant

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Quick learner

A sexy woman went on a week-long business trip leaving her husband to take care of the house. Before she left, she told him to take special care of Mittens, her cat.
After a long exhausting flight, she checked into her hotel and then immediately called home to see if Mittens was okay…
Her hu...

What goes quick quick?

A South African duck

I wrote a book and titled it "Julius, quick grab the girl before she gets away"

My editor decided to shorten it to "Julius Seize her!"

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My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel so i quickly turned the tv to a fishing channel. On her way out she said:

‘You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!’

Quick Grammar Lesson.

They're = they are

We're = we are

You're = you are

My fire = the one desired

Believe me = when I say

I want it = that way.

Me: "Can I axe you to make it quick?"

Executioner: "You realize this is why we're doing this, right?"

My wife asked me how I manage to always eat so quickly...

It's because I always take seconds.

As a musician, people asked me what my secret was to moving on from my ex so quickly.

I told them I just did what any good songwriter would do.

Drugs.

All these people are so quick to criticize Melania Trump for wanting to take on cyber bullying when that's something her husband has a problem with

But no one criticized Laura Bush for wanting to teach kids how to read

What do you call it when a musical spider regrows a limb quickly?

Allegro.

Quick Maths

A man is walking home when he stumbled upon an old lamp by the trash, seeing that it’s still presentable, he decided to rub some of the dirt off of it. A cloud of smoke began seeping through the lamp and a Genie appeared before him.

“Thank you for freeing me, I am a genie and I shall grant yo...

Quick way to stop feeling lonely

Watch a horror movie in the dark

A man walks into a bar and orders 5 Whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly.

The barman says "That was quick!"


"You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had..." replies the man.

"Ohh, what's that?" said the barman sympathetically.

The man answers "no money."

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I'm not a fan of elevator sex, its too quick.

I mean... what are you supposed to do for the rest of the ride?

Boss pulled me aside and wanted a quick word…

I said “race car”.

When you pull a pin out of a grenade, how do you put it back?

Urgent and quick answers, plea

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Quick dating joke

-I only date black girls.






-Why?





-Because I hate meeting fathers

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Quick Thinking

Teacher says, "Whoever can answer my next question, is free to leave class."
One little boy chucks his backpack out the window.
Teacher asks, "Who threw that bag?"
Little boy, "Me! I'll see you tomorrow!"

A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.

Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons.



“I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee....

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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape...

The one about the quickly wed couple

So a man, lets call him Dan, meets this girl, we'll call her Stacy, on a blind date. They hit it off right away and chat the night away. Well they go on another date, this one went even better than the last, Dan's heart flutters every time he thinks of her. So then Dan asks her on a third date and t...

My wife ran into the room suddenly and yelled: “Quick! Do you know of anything physical that gives off no smells? Zero. Sort of like an olfactory camouflage that would be utterly invisible to the nose?”

Confused, I thought for a moment, and then replied: “What you are describing makes absolutely no scents”

Quick Joke

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?


Ones a Goodyear. The other is a great year.

A quick guide on "How to fall downstairs"...

Step 1

Step 6

Step 8, 9, 10, 11...

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open..

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

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A quick laugh?

Somewhere, someone out there is thinking about you and the tremendous positive impact you have had on their life. It's not me. I think you're a cunt.

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A women is cheating on her husband we she hears him returning. "Quick hide!"

The man desperately darted around the room looking for somewhere to hide. Before he could find a good hiding space it was too late, the husband was already making his way up the staircase. Losing all hope the man hid in the bathroom. As soon as the husband arrived in the room he told his wife he goi...

Quick question

Why do models get to be naked but when I do “I can’t do that here” and “ I’m not allowed at Disney world anymore”

That escalated quickly

### That escalated quickly

I was getting a handjob off my new girlfriend when I asked, "How are you so good at this?"


"Years of practice," she said.


"Bit of a player in your day were you?" I laughed.


"No," she replied, "my dad had no arms.

Why was the woodman able to save Little Red Riding Hood and her grandma so quickly?

Because he knew "Inside every wolf there are two people..."

“omg it’s cake day, quick, repost a cake joke!”

“Nah, i’m batter than that”

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A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.
  

The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

A Sunday school teacher posed a question to her class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

The children unanimously replied, "No."

The teacher then asked, "If I were to keep the church clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Once again, the answer was a resounding "No."

Apparently perplexed, the teacher asked, "Well, then how ...

Quick thinking

Stan was a farmer in Florida. When he retired, he spent some time cleaning up one of the ponds on his farm. He brought in some picnic tables, put in a horseshoes court, and planted some fruit trees. It was a lovely spot for family gatherings and what have you and Stan took great care of it. One...

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Therapist : your problem seems to be over attachment, a tendency to fall in love very quickly without regards of other person's feeling.

Me : please don't talk like this, baby doll.

A quick knock knock joke

Me: Knock knock

Reddit: Who's there?

Me: Wu

Reddit: Wu, who?

Me: Woohoo, it's my blue triangle day!

What do you call a really quick muslim?

Fasting.

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Quick, before it starts

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

Thi...

The Coronavirus infects you very quickly

The first person who had it was infected right off the bat.

A quick conversation between a man and his Bene Gesserit girlfriend, who was going through menstrual cramps.

"What's in the box?"

"Pain."

I bought a pedometer and tested it with a quick walk around the neighborhood.

I'm moving away as soon as possible.

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3 Quick Ones

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorr...

If i could just say a quick word...

Velocity

a quick restaurant joke

waiter: how did you find your meal, sir?

me: well it was great, thank you!

waiter: we both know that's not what i meant

me: ...

me: another waiter told me where you hid it

My girlfriend claims I get attached way too quickly...

I feel insulted. That's the first and last time I pay at this cashier.

Why do tailpipes get worn out quickly?

Because their job is exhausting!

A teacher asks her students to answer some quick math questions.

Teacher: Alright class, I want you to shout out the answers to me as soon as you know it, ready? What's 5x2?

Mohamed: 10!

Teacher: Very good Mohamed! That was very quick! Now who can tell me what's 5+4?

Mohamed: 9!

Teacher: Excellent! Mohamed is on a roll here class! See ...

Julius Caesar famously had a quick nap before crossing the Rubicon

the rest is history

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

A new nightclub opened in my town, but it went out of business quickly.

It was called the "Watch Your Head" bar.

Apparently, nobody walked into it.

What's a quick and easy way to turn a sofa into a bed?

Forget your other halfs birthday

I was out for a quick ride when a large bird of prey dropped dead right in front of me, throwing me clear off my bicycle.

Shocked, confused, and a little banged up, I decided to take the dead raptor to a vet. Autopsy revealed it had suffered from a myocardial infarction likely caused by severe hypertension.

As the vet put it, I’d fallen victim to an ill eagle arrest.

Quick bug

One time a man's VW Beetle broke down, so he asked his buddy in a Porsche to give him a tow. The Porsche driver tells him "no problem, just flash your brights at me if I'm going too fast"

They drive for a while and everything goes smoothly until a BMW passes them flying down the Autobah. The ...

On a plane full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack.

A flight attendant notices, and quickly shouts: “We’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”

Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...”

In a job interview, the interviewer said: It says here you can calculate large numbers quickly.

Applicant: That's right.

Interviewer: What's 250 times 467?

Applicant: 546320

Interviewer: That's wrong.

Applicant: How about that speed though?

Whats the best way to get a quick buck

By teaching a deer to run

What do you call 4 Mexicans in quick sand?

Cuatro cinco

Wife asked me why I came so quickly,

I told her “winners never come last”.

Please come quick my dad is in a fight

A boy runs to a policeman and says "Please come quick my dad is in a fight"

The policeman follows him to the fight and before attempting to separate the men asks the boy "Which one is your dad?"

The boy says "I don't know. That's what they're fighting about!"

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Quick 69 and Then Off To The Dentist

After a excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend , Jerry remembered he had a dentist Appointment

He was afraid the dentist would smell Pussy on his breath! So he brushed his teeth several times Gargled ½ a liter of Listerine and used dental floss as well
As he arrived at the dentist ...

What do people say when they need a belt quickly?

There’s no time to waist!


(I’m trying my best lol)

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A pilot accidentally left on the intercom and was heard saying, "I could really use a coffee and a blowjob"

A stewardess quickly ran towards the cockpit, and a passenger yelled out, "you forgot the coffee!"

Eta: Looks like Good Will Hunting made this joke popular.

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A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly...

but now I'm losing Steam.

I was having a quick wee in the deep end of the swimming pool when the lifeguard blew his whistle.

It was so loud I nearly fell in.

Why is Blizzard so quick to resort to censorship?

Because they're nothing more than a bunch of snowflakes.

QUICK WEIGHT LOSS

I've got a wedding I've got to go to next week, and I was trying to lose six pounds by the weekend. I don't think I'm going to do it, so I'm going to get my back waxed, and then, I'll only have to lose two.

Hey guys quick question, can you put a pin back in a grenade?

Gonna need a fast answer for this one...

The Body Acceptance Movement really died quick

It seems like anti-bodies are all the rage right now

A guy runs into the bar and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your most expensive Scotch."

The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can.

"Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender.

"Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," the man says.

"Oh my gosh," the bartender says, "What do you have?"

The man replies...

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An old man was contacted by the IRS for some suspicious income... [Quick repost due to spelling error in original]

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

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Jesse - The Quick Thinking Cowboy

Jesse the cowboy has been captured by the Indians and sentenced to death. The Chief says "Since we are warriors and you are also a warrior, for honor, I grant you one last request."

Jesse says "Let me talk to my horse."

The Chief replies "That's an unusual request but since it is your...

In case of a zombie outbreak, quickly hide inside the nearest Walmart

Nobody has teeth there so you are safe from bites

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Jack be nimble, jack be quick

Jack doesn't appreciate you bringing up his premature ejaculation issues

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

Why was the fisherman so quick in preparing for his trip?

He was worried about a-fish-in-sea.

Doctor: Don’t be nervous Jeff, it’s gonna be a quick surgery.

Patient: But my name isn’t Jeff..

Doctor: I know, it’s mine.

Why do people from Russia walk so quickly?

They're Russian

Quick, Short, Funny Court Appearance

Jerry Bartle was arrested and put on trial for robbing a local shop at gunpoint. In his wisdom he decided that he would represent himself in court. He appeared to be doing reasonably well until the shop's owner took the stand to give his evidence.

She had identified him immediately as the rob...

I would assume spiders adapt pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they are already comfortable on the web.

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It’s extra important sexual abusers get fired quickly from the work place.

Otherwise, they start rubbing off on people.

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Who doesn't like a quick & easy ghost joke?

What is a ghost's favourite type of porn?!






Boookakke!!

A man hires a blonde to paint his porch.

He tells her that the brushes, paint, and ladders are in the garage.

About 30 minutes later he hears a knock and answers the door. The blonde lets him know that she's finished.

"Wow" he says, "that was quick. Did you have enough paint?"

"Yup, enough for 2 coats!" she replies....

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

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[NSFW] A young woman seduces and marries a 90 year old rich man in hopes of quickly inheriting his wealth...

She’s convinced he won’t even survive their wedding night so she takes care to find the sexiest negligee and high heels certain to give him a heart attack on sight. That night after the wedding she finishes getting ready in the bathroom and she seductively saunters out to the bedroom expecting to ma...

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Do all black people have a problem with slavery?

Or just mine?

Edit: wow, front page of reddit! For those commenting on the distasteful nature of these joke, remind yourself.. It's a joke. The joke is based on wordplay, quick delivery, and is in no way designed to be racist. Slavery was never something to laugh about.

Edit 2: Holy g...

Have you heard about the quick clothes maker?

Some have said she is a Tailor, Swift

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Wife: "OMG I JUST WON THE LOTTERY! Quick pack your suitcase!"

Husband: "What?! That awesome! Holy shit...uh... should I pack for the beach? The mountains? DISNEY???!!!"

Wife: "I don't care just get the fuck out!"

The quick thinking executive

To surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting on his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just...

Why does listening to One Direction make people age more quickly?

It makes you go see Niall.

A Man Bursts into a Bar....

A man bursts into a bar and says "Bartender, quick! I need 12 shots of your finest single malt scotch whiskey!!". The bartender immediately springs into action, pouring out shots. The man takes them each as quickly as the bartender can pour, one after the other. The bartender exclaims "I've never se...

quick historical Russian joke from early 90's

Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***

C: Was this meat barking or meowing?

V: It was asking stupid questions.

Why is Spiderman so quick with his comebacks?

With great power, comes great response ability.

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Two bored male casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blond woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she strips down, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and squeals, “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugs each of the de...

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I met this girl the other day and she

took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

“Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed “Quick, use the backdoor” .

Now it’s at about this time...

What kind of dinosaur is always quick to arrive?

A pronto-saurus

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Why do machinists leave so quickly after sex?

They just screw, nut, and bolt

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