You have to be born in the 1940's and been a teenager in 1957 in order to get this joke

Its 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date.
Peggy Sue's Father invites him in.

He asks Bob what they plan on doing.

Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in.

Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I h...

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My wife asked me to list my sexual partners, in order.

I guess I should have stopped at her name.

In order to get H2O from the ground

You have to know water well

What was the name of the huge boat that was built to harbour a mole of each element in order to not have them go extinct due to the big flood aka the big crunch of the universe?

NaOH's Ark

Before I got my life in order I used to host illegal parties and DJ at Stonehenge

But I no longer mix in those circles

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

Hooters is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service thus a name change is in order.

They will now be known as Knockers

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Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure.

Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped.

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no pro...

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A guy walks into a bar in orders of rum and Coke, but the bartender hands him an apple

What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it aroun...

What do you have to pick in order to embarrass yourself during a formal dinner, when given a choice of four different utensils for eating fish?

Your nose.

(I made this up when trying to go to sleep at 3 a.m., please don't judge me)

In order to get to the valves, a mechanic carefully removed the engine parts from a car while the car owner - a surgeon - looked on.

Afterwards the mechanic said to the surgeon:
'You know, I reckon my line of work is every bit as difficult and skilled as yours.'

'Perhaps,' said the surgeon, 'But I'd like to see you do it while the engine is running.'

In order for The Mandalorian’s ship to take off he had to ensure his crew and cargo wasn’t too heavy.

This is the weigh.

About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil...

Don't even get me started on baby oil

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet...

Two women in Florida were arrested this week after posing as old ladies in order to get a Covid vaccine

Two kids in a trench coat got away with with the same idea, but only one got vaccinated.

As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive

Luckily my older brother told me about it

Credit to comedian Milton Jones, original author of the joke

What does a virus need to do in order to reach more people?

It needs to strain itself.

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In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”
...

I hate when people use "big words" they don't even know the meaning, in order to look samrt.

For me, they are completely photosynthetic.

If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture

You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year

The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.

I said alphabetically or by age

You want to know how I keep my affairs in order?

In my little black book, alphabetically of course.

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices...

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden...

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly

Erika Badu

Vanilla Ice

Eminem

Rhianna




Green Day

Oasis

Nirvana

Nine inch Nails

Aerosmith



George Strait

Ilene Woods

Vince Gill

Enya



Yoko ono

Otis Redding

U...

In order to stay healthy during this pandemic, I’ve been dancing in public while insulting people.

I practice social diss dancing.

A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a "Sugar Daddy".

He's an artificial sweetner.

There's a gang going through town, systematically shoplifting clothes in order of size.

Police say they are still at large.

How big does a bird have to be in order to be considered an outcast?

Ostrichsized

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My therapist said the best treatment for depression is to vigorously rub salt into my skin in order to draw out excess moisture.

Wow thanks I'm cured.

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

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A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

In order to support social distancing, the National Association for Celebacy has cancelled its March meeting.

Please share this message. They want to make sure nobody comes.

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Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there”

The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”

Steve and the other passengers had to solve a number of clues in order to figure out where the ship they boarded was headed that day. Which cruise were they on?

Blue's Cruise

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I told my mate, that in order to have sex, I'd said to my girlfriend that I'd marry her in the summer.

"July?" he asked.

"Of course I fucking did," I replied.

In order to preserve my ammo, I switched to a knife.

The other paintball players looked horrified.

My drug dealer dressed up as a Jehovah’s Witness in order to be less suspicious

However, he got arrested after the cops saw me let him in

I went to a beer festival. In order to prevent myself from getting too drunk, I decided to follow the Chicago Bears' offensive game plan.

Three and out.

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What do you call it when you have sex with someone in order to end their dry spell?

An honorable discharge

In order to put a bit of flavour in my vegan curry I put ginger in it

.

The neighbours bloody loved that cat but my curry was bang on!

A newly hired operations manager spends a week with the outgoing operations manager in order to learn his new duties and responsibilities.

As the outgoing manager gets ready to leave for good, he tells the new manager that he has placed three numbered envelopes in the top drawer of the desk. He tells the new manager that each time he runs into a crisis that he cannot solve to open an envelope, starting with the first one, and follow th...

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(Long) God was in the gate's heaven listening how people died, in order to let them in

(I'm really sorry for the bad grammar... I'm not native - feel free to correct the text, so i can edit it)

So the first guy arrives in gate's heaven:


God: So... We need to know how you've died, so we can let you in.

Guy: Ok. You won't believe in that... Me and my wife live...

All my other family members are wealthy and successful. In order to stand out, I decided to become a panhandler instead.

I beg to differ.

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground,
grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told
him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped
your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper
bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the
slide on the North side of the...

I asked a fitness trainer at my local gym what would be the best machine to use in order to impress girls

Apparently it’s the ATM machine at my local bank.

Someone should make a poison whose antidote can only be received via flu shot, in order to eliminate the anti vaxxers...

...oh wait.

Why Won't Michigan Governor Rick Snyder Take Any Flint Tap Water With Him Overseas In Order To Stick To His Promise That He'd Drink It For A Full Month...?

Because he can't get it through the airport metal detectors.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a crazy caterpillar create in order to turn into a butterfly? [OC]

A cuckoo-n!

A man and his wife play petty games with each other regularly in order to one-up the other.

One morning his wife wakes him up hollering "I'm so much better than you that I even beat you at getting up in the morning".

This continued for some time, as his wife woke him up early and continuously drove home how better than him she was.

One day when he left for work his friend, wh...

A boys called 911 in order to contact the police

Operator: Hello, can you please state your emergency.

Boy: I need help, two girls are fighting over me.

Operator: So what's the problem here?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

I started a fried chicken joint. In order to be halal, the chickens must be killed in the traditional Islamic manner:

It's pretty hard getting the little explosive-filled vests on them, though.

A man was caught in a river current and hanging on to some rocks in order to avoid being carried away.



Nasrudin and a friend noticed him, and the friend went up to him, extended his arm, and said, "Give me your hand so I can help you out."

The man, however, did not cooperate.

Nasrudin then asked the man what he did for a living.

"I collect taxes," the other replied.
...

To make a better Internet, I compiled a list of scams and manipulation techniques in order to raise awareness in the most gullible users.

Number 27 will make you cringe

Most people don't know that in order to be a programmer your eyesight must be correctable to 20/20.

You have to be able to C#.

Comedians will often ask rhetorical questions in order to get the audience on board with them or to relate to them.

How stupid is that?!

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An undertaker is showing a trainee around the morgue in order to get him used to dead bodies.

“Here I have three deceased men, an Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman.” Explained the undertaker showing the young trainee the dead Englishman.
“Why has he got such a big smile on his face?” asked the trainee.
“He died having sex with a beautiful woman” the old man replied.
Moving on to ...

Why did the tiny robot need sodium nitrate in order to work?

It was a NaNObot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In order to tell when I have to get it drained, I have a pole that I dip into my septic tank.

(Shitpost)

I found out my husband got fired from his job today. In order to cheer him up I got him his favorite soy sauce.

He said to me

"Oh I see. Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"

Saudi-Arabia has developed teleportation technology in order to sustain their economy when oil is depleted.

First tests in their embassies are promising, but apparently there are still issues with the part that is supposed to make one reappear.

I need glasses in order to see my family

Specifically two glasses of scotch

My brother felt down, so I tried telling him 10 puns in order to make him laugh.

Sadly, no pun in 10 did.

What do you have to allocate in order to crash a Minecraft server on purpose?

Premeditated Wam.

In order to join our club, you must perform the dance

It's called 2 step verification

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A doctor on TV said in order to have inner peace in our lives we should always finish what we started...

Since we all need more calm in our lives I looked around my house until I found things I hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of merlot, a bottle of chardonnay, a boddle of baileys, a buttle of wum the raminder of valiuminum scriptins and a box of choclutz.....Yu haz no idr how fabuluz i fel ...

A Priest decides to skip mass in order to go golfing

He knows this is wrong, but he figures it's okay. He's performed mass for 30 years, and has been looking forward to golfing for ages. The weather is only good during mass hours, so he figures he deserves it, right? Another priest fills in as he claims he's sick.

As he is driving to the golf ...

When you market TV shows and movies in other countries, it's not uncommon to change the title in order to appeal to the local population.

For example, the Chinese title for "Black Mirror" is "Really Cool Ideas".

What's the difference between obsequious behaviour towards someone important in order to gain advantage and John Wayne Gacy wearing a top hat and monocle?

One is sycophancy and the other is a fancy sicko.

(As far as I'm aware this is an original joke that I created and am quite pleased with)

In order to put off nutting for an entire month, in November one must

Masterwait

After months of my wife buying organic foods in order to live healthier, today I made the big decision to change

And filed for divorce

In order to finish my 2016 resolution, i cut off my left leg...

That way, I'll reach my goal of losing 20 pounds AND start 2017 off on the right foot!

I put my name into a drawing in order to win a tiny broom used to clean beef.

I hope I win this sweep steaks

In order for United Airlines to keep their business...

They're really gonna have to have unbeatable prices!

In order to be trusted in a relationship, you have to stay true...

Because “trusted” without “true” is just an “std”.

What website do you go to in order to find the plans to the Death Star?

Wookie Leaks

I ordered each song by Styx in order from most favorite to least favorite. It took me a full day to complete.

I've got too much time on my hands.

In order to help Russia's chances at the World Cup

The tournament has been moved to December.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the insatiable couple who had sex at least five times a day but was forced by their families to go on a camping trip in order to get them out of the house?

It was fucking in tents.

In heaven, in order to see what vehicle you will be given, Peter must ask you a question...

The first man comes up, and Peter asks,

"Have you ever cheated on your wife?"

The man answers, "no never!" Peter replies, "ok, you get a Rolls Royce."

A second man comes up, Peter asks him the same question and he answers, "well once or twice, but only in the first year!"
<...

People say that being able to count is important in order to get somewhere in life. I disagree.

The 3 most important things to obtaining success are
Discipline,
Integrity,
Respect
and Wisdom.

They say in order to help with bonding newborns take on characteristics of their fathers.

Sure enough, my son was born with large features, a furrowed brow, and complained about nerve damage from his knee surgery.

In order to beat our opponent, we've gotta think like them.

Quick! Empty your minds!

A father dies and in order to be at his daughter's wedding he possesses a bottle of vodka from the kitchen.

At least he was with them in spirit.

Pennsylvania and New Jersey changed their state mottos today in order to cut their highway budgets.

Now they both proudly display "Road Work Ahead. Expect Delays" on their welcome signs to better reflect the status of their roadways.

A panda once hid his food in order to get more.

The zookeepers were bamboozeled.

The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S manufacturing non-competitive...

Donald Trump, 2012.

In order to promote progress I think the next session of congress should be sent to the moon.

I just feel that they would make a greater impact.

My wife was wondering if we should wash dishes by hand, in order to save a little money.

I figure that using the dishwasher uses more electricity, but less water. So overall it's a wash.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In order to make a Caesar salad, fill a bowl with regular salad...

... Then stab the fucker.

Scientists have finally released a list of ten MOST IMPORTANT things a human must have in order to live long. NUMBER 7 WILL DEFINITELY SHOCK YOU!!!

1. protection from elements
2. air
3. water
4. food
5. cloth
6. communication
7. electricity
8. cats
9. feels
10. dank memes

I hate people that drink in order to have fun.

Why can't they say it's great just to drink, whether you have fun or not?

In order to write a good essay about trees..

..you'll need to write a good photosynThesis.

I hope you're all getting your Walter Cronkite jokes in order. He's next.

Here's mine.

Ed McMahon, David Carradine, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, and Walter Cronkite walk into a bar.

And die.

Your turn.

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The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the drinks went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

An old joke I can't find on Reddit. Here we go...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. Th...

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There’s something very weird about this pet shop…

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

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A man downloaded a calculator app, but needed to pay extra to unlock the plus button

He had to pay in order to use additional features

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

A wife and husband were in a car talking to each other.

Wife : would you sleep with my best friend in order to save my life?

Husband : uhh, of course. I'd do anything to save your life, even if I had to sleep with Jessica.

Wife : what? Whose Jessica?

Husband : uhh, your best friend? Who is it? Lauren?

Wife : What??? No ...

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

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A jealous king was about to go on a long journey but was afraid that his queen would be unfaithful to him..

Therefore he summoned his best blacksmiths, in order to create a device that was going to provide protection from any penetration to his queen.

The most ingenious blacksmith came with an invention that could split in half anything that would dare to penetrate the queens genitals.

...

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First day of Med School

It is the first day of medical school, and the doctor in charge of the new class has all the new students gather in the main lecture hall for the orientation. Taking his place in front of the group, he starts his speech.

"In order to succeed in the world of medicine, you must first master two...

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A scientist finds a time machine…

A scientist finds a time machine, and thinking quickly, decides to travel back in time to Ancient Rome with as much modern technology as he can gather in order to advance society thousands of years.

First, he grabs a laptop computer, then a television, and a cell phone. Having these, he deci...

Famished and in the mood to try a new restaurant, a man goes to a new French restaueanr and orders the soup.

After a few mins, the waiter arrives with the man's soup, and places it in front of him. The man notices that the waiter's thumb was in his soup, but was too hungry to say anything. The man arte the soup, and returned with friends the following night.
Having enjoyed the soup so much, the man orde...

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