UPJOKE
painrackanguishhurtsufferinghuman rightscrucifixionwaterboardingagonytormentpunishmentgenocideprotocol iiexecutiondistress

Torture Jokes

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall...

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chinese torture

A man is driving through the country at night when his car breaks down. He walks to the nearest farm, a big 3 story farmhouse, and when he knocks on the door and old chinese man answers. "I'm sorry to bother you sir, but my car broke down about a mile down the road. Would it be alright with you if s...

- Good afternoon. How much is this torture device?

\-Sir, that's a wedding ring

How do you torture a carpenter?

Rip out his nails

Sauron tortures a hobbit.

Sauron captured Bilbo Baggins and tried to torture him to tell where the magic ring was hidden. Soon the hobbit blurted out "I think Gollum has it!"

Then Sauron captured Gollum and tortured him, but the old evil and corrupted hobbit wouldn't talk.

It turns out bad hobbits are hard to...

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac
are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution,
bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with a cat and then torture it," said the sadist. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Commu...

The United States doesn't use torture techniques such as water boarding

The prefer the term "tactical baptism"

Vladimir Putin loses his favorite watch

He calls in his most trusted officers and tells them to stop at no expense to root out the thief and his accomplishes.

Three days later he asks for a report.

The head officer says, "We've made progress. Twelve accomplishes, after sufficient torture, have admitted their involvement an...

An athiest wakes up in hell.

He looks around confused at the bright shining sun and the best beach party he's ever seen.
People are singing and dancing, laughing and playing, splashing in the crystal water and drinking, just having the best time.

Shortly the devil walks up to him wearing shorts, hat, and raising a g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

How do you torture an Italian?

Tie their hands behind their back and force them to talk

TIL that MR T used to wrap victims in flat bread to torture them

He liked to pita the fools

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies an goes to Hell. The devil shows him around and tells him he has to pick his forever torture

They check out the different options. The devil explains to him that he only gets to view three choices and once he chooses, he can't change his mind.

The devil shows him the first room in which there is a group of people pushing a very large crank and being whipped at the same time with no b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Chinese Tortures :).... Trust me You will love it.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you ...

What's more torturing than Chinese Water Torture?

Nevada counting the votes.

How do you torture a Russian?

give them a vodka bottle full of water

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sadist, a masochist, a zoophile, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a serial killer are having a stroll in the park.

This merry band of weirdoes and deviants are getting a bit bored. Then the zoophile whispers: "Oooh, I know what we should do. Let's catch a cat!"

The sadist nods approvingly: "Yes! Let's catch a cat... and let's torture it!"

The serial killer licks the blade of his knife, and chimes i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] What's an alternative name for Cock And Ball Torture ?

Crack 'N' Jack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Going to hell

Johnny died and arrived in Hell.

He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder, gentler, more customer focused Hell, each person is offered three choices of torture.

The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1,000-year cycles and you could pick which cycle to begin w...

Torture

The Gestapo bring in their best torturer, to break three important prisoners who won't spill the beans.

The torturer breaks the first guy in a couple of days.

The second one is harder to break, so the torturer watches him at night, to see what he's doing in his cell. He discovers tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the testicle torture enthusiast say after a long day?

Ahhh, time to hit the sack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to hell...

The devil greets him and says "You have to pick your torture. Pick wisely because this will be your torture for eternity".

The man goes through hundreds of rooms but can't decide, until he sees a room where a man is sitting on a couch watching football on TV and getting a blowjob from a cheer...

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

damn girl are you chinese water torture

because this drip is driving me insane

I was captured and tortured by an mime

He did unspeakable things to me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a room with a zoophile, a torturer, a pyromaniacal, an assasin and a sadomasochist

Zoophile: What if we fuck a cat?

Torturer: Yeah and then we torture it!

Pyromaniacal: And then burn it!

Assasin: Aaa aand kill it!




Masochist: ... Meow?

A elastic band is thrown into a torture chamber,

A man comes up to him grabs him and stretches the elastic band out until he is just about to break,

The man stares the rubber band in the eyes,
“You have so much potential”

(Made this one myself, thank you.)

A man walks into a strange new store and asks the owner, "How much for this torture device?"

The owner replies, "Sir, that's a wedding ring."

The 3 step Chinese torture

A guy comes to a Chinese house in the middle of nowhere. Being late he ask to sleep in their house. The dad accepts but says: "If you sleep with my daughter I will use the 3 step Chinese torture on you!"

The guy accepts and enters the house. The daughter is stunning beautiful. Also she flirts...

Have you ever heard of Roko's Basilisk? (contains a small amount of existential dread)

It's a thought experiment provided by a user named "Roko" on a philosophy forum-based website.

Suppose a machine is invented that can simulate the whole world from the past to the future, becoming practically omniscient. The scientists who made this obviously want this to help the world, so ...

Why did the CIA torture the Russian wasp?

Because he was a cagey bee agent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife of want to spice up their stale sex life.

They want to try BDSM for the first time. So one afternoon, the husband comes home from work, heads upstairs to the bedroom to change, and finds his wife spread out on the bed decked out in bondage gear and lingerie. Without skipping a beat the husband gets undressed and leans down and asks her in a...

A man dies and goes to hell

Because all the other torture chambers are full, the Devil puts him to hard labor.

A few hours pass, and the Devil returns to see how the torture is going. But the man is smiling and hardly working a sweat.

"Why haven't you given up yet? It's been at least 6 hours." The Devil asks him....

What did Vlad the Impaler's victims cried to him during torture?

"Vladislav, baby don't hurt me. Don't hurt me, no more"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Chinese Tortures

One day, a man was lost walking through a dense forest. When it was getting dark he came across a secluded cabin in a clearing on top of a hill. He knocked on the door, and an ancient looking Chinese man answered the door.
“Please sir”, the man plead. “It is getting dark, and I’m lost. Could you ...

Buzzfeeds top 10 list of torture methods

Number 7 will shock you

Three Chinese Tortures

A man is traveling through the jungle for days. Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night.

After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers.

The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and...

Badly formed wordplay is utter torture

Truly, you could say it is pun-ishment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Torture me" said the masochist.

"No," the sadist smiled.

I tortured a guy from PETA.

He screamed for deer life.

There are 3 dogs, a Chihuahua, a Yorkshire Terrier and a Great Dane, in an animal hospital side-by-side in cages. They are talking to each other.

“So what are you in for?”

The chihuahua says:
“My owner had a birthday party for his little girl yesterday. There were so many kids at the party it was crazy. Some boys were chasing me and tormenting me. Finally they cornered me in one of the bedrooms. I lost it and I lunged out and I b...

The sociopath teenage misfit down the street tortures small animals with embroidery needles he steals from his mother's sewing kit.

He's unbelievably crewel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

“I know this is difficult for you ma’am, but we need to know exactly how you were tortured by the accused. You said that after the hot poker came the pliers pulling out your toenails, but each time you start to tell us the final torture, you break down. Now take a deep breath, & tell the court...”

“Well”, she sobbed, “before he let me go [sob] he made me... he made me........ watch ‘Holmes and Watson’ twice in one sitting”

A mafia boss walks in to see a whale in the torture room.

Whale whale whale, look who we got here!

There's a gang in my neighborhood that recruits members by threatening them with all sorts of horrible punishments and tortures if they don't join ..

but enough about the Church ..

I saw a sign at the hospital. It said, "Therapy Can Help Torture Victims".

I thought, "It's probably not a good idea then."

A ruthless mafia tortures its debtors who cannot pay their debts

They always use needles in torturing their unfortunate debtors, so that they inflict a lot of pain without killing the debtors.

Because of this, all the debtors to this mafia repay their debts on time.

And there are fewer pointless deaths.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The three tortures.

A tourist got lost hiking in some mountains in China. It started snowing so he decided to seek shelter. He came upon a tall tower with light in the window, so he pounded on the door. A little old Chinese man opened the door.

"WHAT YOU WAN' ROUND EYE"

Shocked that the old man spoke engl...

Why hasn't Jesus returned?

Would you want to hang out with a bunch of people who wear reminders of how you were brutally tortured and killed the last time you saw them?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Worst Chinese Tortures

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most...

What did the prisoner say after being tortured on the rack?

I feel like I be long here.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frenchman, Englishman and an Australian go exploring in the jungle.

After some time they come across a beautiful lake. They all decide to go swimming. Afterwards as they leave the crystal clear water they are captured by the local tribe and brought before the chief.

The chief looks at them and says "All 3 of you were caugh swimming in our sacred waters, this ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men are captured by a group of terrorists, and are to be tortured.

They shout at the first man, demanding to know what his job was before he was captured.
"I was a butcher!" He says. The terrorists get a meat cleaver, and hack his dick off with it.

They shout at the second man, demanding to know what his job was before he was captured.
"I was a plumber...

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

A recent accident has left me wheelchair bound. I'm a burden to my family and my morning bathroom routine is torture...

I can't stand to look at myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

The Three Forbidden Tortures

A man's car breaks down and is forced to walk to the nearest phone for help. Unfortunately, being in the country, he ends up walking a ways before he finds a small farm. He knocks on the door and an old Chinese farmer opens the door. The man explains his predicament and asks to use his telephone ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) The three Chinese tortures

A young man is lost, hungry and wandering around China. As he is wandering, he happens to find this old mansion on top of a cliff. He walks up to the door and rings the bell and an old man answers. The young man asks the older gentleman if he can have some food and spend the night. The old man agre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Three Chinese Tortures

A man is stranded in the desert; he is tired, hungry, thirsty, and on the verge of death. As he walks along, he sees a house! He can't believe his eyes! He runs up to the house, and wildly knocks on the door. A small Chinese man opens up the door.

"Please help me! I'm tired, hungry, thirsty, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Chinese tortures

A lonely and tired wanderer is rambling and ambling across China. He has been wandering, and pondering life for three days. He stumbles upon an old cottage and thinks, maybe I may stay here for the night, as three days without rest, food, or drink, is a long time, and he was quite tired. So, he knoc...

Three people became shipwrecked on an island inhabited by cannibals.

They were swiftly captured and told they would be killed, cooked, eaten, and their skin would be used to line the tribe’s canoes, but they would be able to choose how they died.

The first man, a British man, decided he wanted to die by the sword. In an instant, a tribesman cut his head off. ...

A communist, a nationalist, and a Ba'athist are on a plane... | A popular Syrian joke

**Disclaimer**: The Ba'ath Party (tr. *revival party)* is the murderous ruling party of Syria (and at one point, Iraq as well), famous for their torture, human rights violations, and surveillance of Syrians.

On a flight somewhere in the Middle East, the pilot declares that the plane is overlo...

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Italian are taken prisoners of war...

They take the Englishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After two hours of being brutally tortured, he spills all of his secrets.

Then they take the Irishman back and hogtie him, whip him, and beat him senseless. After four hours of being bashed bloody and bruised, he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell

The man is greeted by a demon when he arrives. He asks “where’s all the fire and brimstone and Torture devices?”

“Oh no no no, that’s all just mythology! We don’t do any of that down here in Hell! Let me walk you through the schedule. Do you like to eat?”

“Yeah! I love a good meal!” S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The cottage in the middle of the woods

An explorer was lost in the forest, and luckily came upon a cottage in a clearing. He knocked and an old Chinese man opened the door. The man was willing to let the explorer stay on one condition: he didn't approach his daughter or he would impose the three worst Chinese tortures upon him.

D...

Slow Torture

I’ve been slowly torturing a centipede for the past 98 days.

It’s on its last legs now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Three Chinese Tortures...

One day a man goes into a hotel and asks for a room to stay in. The manager gives him a room and warns him not to mess around with his daughter or he'll get the *“Three Chinese Tortures.”*

On his way to his room the man sees the manager's daughter. She's very beautiful and he figures he'll e...

I don't know why people object to CIA torture methods.

Who doesn't like to go water boarding?

Three western spies are captured in the USSR

Three western spies are captured in the USSR. An English spy, a French spy and an Italian spy.


First they interrogate the English spy but he refuses to speak. So they tie him up, torture him for a day and in the end he speaks.


The same thing happened with the French spy. Initia...

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

Peter calls up Satan (long)

"What do you want Peter?
"I need you to take three people. We are renovating and they need a place to stay. You'll need to take them for a week. No torture! Treat them well."
Three volunteer to endure Hell for a week. Pope John Paul, Alexander Campbell, and Kenneth Copelan.
After the fourth...

What do you call someone who tortures you to death with boring wordplay and double entendres?

PUNisher

I fell in love with my captor while being tortured in the US.

She was my Guantanamo Bae.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.

They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all...

A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A chance to escape Hell

The other day Bubba and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells me that I have two choices: I can either stay in hell being tortured for all of eternity, or I can have se...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between erotic and kinky sex?

A sadist, a masochistic, a murderer, a necrophilic, a zoophilic and a pyromaniac sit in the garden of psychiatry and are terribly bored.

Once the zoophile sounds:
- What if we fucked a cat?

For this, the sadist:
-Yes, let's fuck him and then torture him well.

The mur...

What do R/Jokes have in common with the Spanish Inquisition?

It just a bunch of tortured puns

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.