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Torment Jokes

A guy dies and wakes up on a beach.

Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy w...

Odd numbers torment me a lot. So, I subtract them by 1

To get even

An IT guy goes to hell

When he gets there the devil begins to explain his everlasting torment. "Down here you will wade in scalding magma, always burning and unable to die. There will be noxious fumes that pour into your lungs, you will always be suffocating but always conscious. You will be whipped and flayed and never r...

What has four legs, two mouths, is very scary and has the power to make a man suffer indescribable torment?

My pregnant wife.

Where do tormented people sleep?

In despair bedroom.

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

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Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again, I will kill them!"

The word got arou...

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.

Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:


-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!


The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,


-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...

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A man dies and ends up in Hell.

A man dies and ends up in hell, Satan shows up and walks him down a hallway, explaining that he would choose his torment from a selection of doors.


The first door opens up onto a vast expanse and millions of people standing on their heads on concrete. This doesn't have much appeal so the...

3 guys from Michigan go to Hell (long)

Three guys from Michigan die and go to Hell. Satan, being the kind of guy who takes his job very seriously, always checks on new arrivals personally to make sure that they are uncomfortable and their eternal torment is going smoothly and so on.

So he arrives at their cell and listens in for a...

A guy dies and goes to hell.

Satan welcomes him warmly and shakes his hand. He is given the keys to a gorgeous apartment, where he finds a brand new set of golf clubs, and a membership to the ritzy Hades Golf Club. He has servants to look after his every need.

In the garage is a brand new sports car and the fridge is sto...

what's the difference between heaven and hell?

One is eternal torment surrounded by the worst kinds of people, the other is hell

A truck carrying synonym dictionaries has had an accident on the highway.

From the other cars, the passengers were shocked, tormented, amazed, incredulous, confused, paralyzed, stunned, bewildered, perplexed, amazed, dumbfounded, dumbstruck.

An athiest wakes up in hell.

He looks around confused at the bright shining sun and the best beach party he's ever seen.
People are singing and dancing, laughing and playing, splashing in the crystal water and drinking, just having the best time.

Shortly the devil walks up to him wearing shorts, hat, and raising a g...

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How my husband and I terrified a cab driver,,,

My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and the theater. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat sc...

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3 Choices...

A man dies, and finds himself in a plain-looking hallway. After a couple seconds, Satan appears in a puff of smoke.

"Hey there. Welcome to hell. It's not like the stereotypes or the movies, though. There's no fire or anything like that. Basically, the way it works I'll show you 3 rooms. After...

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For many years he had a desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer..

Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory.
For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead...

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A guy arrives in hell and crawls terrified at the feet of Satan.

Satan pets him and says in a soothing voice:

"Why, my good man, why are you so sad?"

The man explains that he is afraid of the torment that awaits him. The Devil then points to a nearby door.

"You see that door over there? Behind that door are as many luscious and horny women as...

In Flames and Inflamed

A man was sent to hell for his sins. As he was being led into the pits for an eternity of torment, he saw a lawyer passionately kissing a beautiful woman. “What a joke!” he said. “I have to roast in flames for all eternity and that lawyer gets to spend it with that beautiful woman.” Satan jabbed the...

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A man starts his own business

Within a few months his business grows to the point where he needs to hire two employees. He hires a woman named Sarah and a man named Jack. Things are good.

A year goes by and the little company's sales are sagging. The owner realizes that there is not enough work for his two em...

There are 3 dogs, a Chihuahua, a Yorkshire Terrier and a Great Dane, in an animal hospital side-by-side in cages. They are talking to each other.

“So what are you in for?”

The chihuahua says:
“My owner had a birthday party for his little girl yesterday. There were so many kids at the party it was crazy. Some boys were chasing me and tormenting me. Finally they cornered me in one of the bedrooms. I lost it and I lunged out and I b...

Four politicians die in a car accident and they find themselves standing in front of St Peter who says he will give them the tour of heaven and hell and they can decide where they want to stay for all eternity...

Heaven is all people with halo's playing harps on clouds, singing, praying and generally praising God.

Then, a demon appears and takes them down to have a look at hell.

In hell, they meet all their old friends playing golf! They play a round, walk up to the 19th for champagne, fine win...

An atheist dies and goes to hell.

The devil receives him and says, "Welcome to hell, my friend. I guess they have told you lots of awful things about this place, but it’s all BS. Relax, take a look around and you’ll see that this is not such a bad place."

Atheist takes a look around and finds that, indeed, hell is not so diff...

Three men end up in hell

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell h...

Two drunk guys walk into a hotel

snippering one word after another they finally manage to make themselves understood by the girl at the reception.

"So you want the cheapest double room we have, right? The only free one is on the 100th floor but the elevator is broken". The two guys, in order not to spend the night sleeping o...

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity.
You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life.
Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked u...

Jesus walks into a bar.

Because the bar had caused him physical harm, Jesus told it "Because of your selfish need to whack people, I condemn thee to the confines of hell, as you will no longer be able to torment, for you will be tormented." And poof! The bar is gone.

The Golden Gate Bridge collapses.

The pharoah woke up in the middle of the night kicking and screaming. Concerned for his saftey, two guards burst in! After making sure the room was safe, one guard immediately ran off to fetch the soothsayer, always close at hand.

The soothsayer quickly calmed down the pharoah and began to ask him what had him clearly so distraught.

"Oh, it was terrible!" The pharoah recounted, "The mountains shook and ungodly scream sound across the world, as though the gods themselves were yelling in torment!" A moment to steady hi...

The Devils goes to Church

The devil went to church one day and upon seeing his red skin, big horns and cloven feet, all of the people ran from the building in terror. All except for one old man near the front. He didn't even budge. The devil was intrigued by the man's apparent disinterest in his hideous appearance. So he str...

An Evil Witch kidnaps some boys...

During a nightly raid of a local village, an evil witch makes away with a few young boys she will use for her potions (hocus pocus style)

Upon arriving back at her witch den, she proceeds to cage up the terrified young boys, and begins brewing her evil potion according to her recipe.

F...

Ole and Sven go to Hell (long)

One day, Satan was walking through Hell, making sure the souls were properly tormented, until he came upon an unusual sight. Sitting next to a lava pool were Ole and Sven, decked out in parkas, hats, boots and gloves.

Confused, Satan walks up to them and asks them why they're dressed for win...

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An old joke popular with engineers and other neckbeards

A man dies and surprise! he finds himself in the sky and surrounded by clouds and in front of an old man who asks, ”Heaven or Hell?”

Guy goes, "what kind of question is that?" and the old man sighs and goes, “oh another one. Well allow me to show you and then you can make your decision ...

There was 3 boys living with their grandfather deep in an Asian jungle.

One day, their grandfather asked them to accompany the grouchy old lady that lived nearby them while she walked out to town. Before they left, their grandfather said, "Behave and remember all that I have have taught you."

As they walked the old lady nagged and nagged. She complained about eve...

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An alcoholic, a womanizer and a pot head die and go to hell.

Satan has a room of punishment for each one.

Satan meets the alcoholic and opens his torment room full of alcohol. After a 100 years he opens the room and the alcoholic runs out screaming that he is sober.

Satan shows the room to the womanizer full of naked women and casts him in. Af...

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A man dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he sees Satan approaching him and is terrified for what torments await him.

"Welcome, dude! Don't be so afraid. You're gonna love this place," says Satan with a beaming smile.

"I am?" the man asks nervously.

"Sure you will! All that talk of this place being ...

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A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability.

"I am trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is," he says. To further prove his point, he walks up to Boudreaux, who happened to be in the bar, and whops him behind the neck! "Karate chop from China," he says.

Poor Boudreaux gets up off the floor and sits back in his seat, saying nothing....

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So it's a Friday afternoon and a man comes home from work early...

...and he catches his wife in bed with another man.

In a fit of rage he pulls out his 45 and shoots them both dead.

He soon calms down and is overcome with grief. He immediately drives himself to the police office to turn himself in.

The next day when his best friends visits ...

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A bad man arrives at hell...

He looks around and there's *grass* everywhere! He asks the demon gatekeeper about it and he's told, "the Mormons are irrigating again."

There are three doors at the entrance to hell, and he's told by the demon to choose one to spend eternity behind. "Can I look to see what's behind them," as...

Two Alabamans die, and go to hell.

Satan walks by to check up on them, and notices them wearing winter coats and shivering. "What are you two doing?" He says. "This is *hell*, and you're *cold?!*" One of the Alabamans replies, "We've had much hotter temperatures out in Birmingham, this is practically an igloo in comparison!"

...

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So one of the programmers for Aliens:Colonial Marines passes away...

And he's at the pearly gates. St. Peter's walks up to him and says, "Hey, so God's been implementing this new thing where he's giving people a choice between heaven and hell. You can take a peek at both but have to make a choice and will be there for all eternity."

So, the program takes a pee...

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Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

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Break Time's Over

A man dies and goes to hell where he's greeted by Satan.

Oh no, says the man sobbing with his head in his hands.

Satan pats the man on the back and says don't worry, it won't be all bad. As a matter of fact, I'll give you three options to choose from for your eternal damnation. Satan ...

A man walks into his first session with a psychiatrist

His mood is almost as dark as the room, shades drawn almost fully closed with just enough light to cast shadows like a priest’s confessional stall. *Perfect*, he thinks, *this will be easier if he can’t see the tears welling in my eyes*.

He sits down and breathes a heavy sigh. The clock tick...

The Third Wish

An elderly man was sitting alone on a dark path, right? He wasn’t certain of which direction to go, and he’d forgotten both where he was traveling to and whom he was. He’d sat down for a moment to rest his weary legs, and suddenly looked up to see an elderly woman before him. She grinned toothlessly...

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A man visits a brothel

A man—a salesman to be exact—is driving along an old two lane highway. It’s the worst part of his territory, as it takes him far from home for days on end.

He misses his wife, his tv, his wife, his la-z-boy, and most of all...his wife.

His mind starts to wander as he thinks of his wi...

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The other day, I died and went to hell...

(Note: replace the name 'Jim' with the name of someone in the group that you're telling this joke to)

The other day Jim and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells...

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A politican dies

But just as in life so in death, and the divine powers don't really know where to put the guy, is he a good guy or bad guy?
So St. Pete and Lucifer decide to show the deceased what they can offer him in the afterlife.

First it is downstairs, the gates of Hell open, and there's booze, naked...

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John, Paul and Frank go to heaven (flagging it NSFW just in case)

When they arrive at the gate, St. Peter checks the list and tells them a bit about heaven: "It's a great place. The fountains are full of the best wine, we have the best food that appears when you think of it. Your housing will be the most beautiful and luxurious villa you couldn't even dream of on ...

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A partisan joke for election day

Jacob, Jonah, and John aren't getting along very well in Heaven, and one day God gets tired of it and kicks them out. "I'm sick of you guys bickering. You don't appreciate the gifts I gave you. I want you guys to do something amazing. Work together and do something for the record books! As soon...

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