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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

It was late at night and the salesman had been driving for a while

The rain was as heavy as his eyelids and, as he nodded off and lost control. The car swerved left, then right before crashing upside down into a ditch.

The guy came round, the water in the ditch lapping round his head, he pulled himself loose, feeling the blood running down his head. He stagg...

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Three men are travelling home on Christmas day together

As they round a corner their car goes head on into a tree and the three men are instantly killed. All three men arrive at the pearly gates at the same time and stand in a long queue waiting to receive St Peter’s judgement. While waiting, one of the men points ahead to front of the queue after notici...

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't gi...

The Indian chief goes to the white man doctor and asks "Too many papoose! What do?"

The doc gives him a condom, and explains the principles.

A couple of months later, the chief comes back, saying "No good! Right nut go urggh! Left nut go urrgh! Rubber go boom!"

So the doc cuts a few custom "rubbers" out of the fingers of a heavy duty latex glove, saying "Try these...

A boy asks a girl to prom

So there's this boy in highschool, around 16 years old and he very nervously and timidly asks this beautiful girl out to prom. Out of his league and the most beautiful I'm the school. He's shocked and quite startled when he hears "id love to go!" Leave her lips.
Short on time with days till or, h...

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A businessman sits next to a blonde on a plane...

It's going to be a long flight so he turns to her and tries to make small talk, but she ignores him best she can. After trying several times, he finally says "It's going to be a long flight, we may as well get to know one another. Why don't we play a game?" She seems uninterested, so he makes it mor...

Cannibals in the night

A cannibal wakes up in the night and says to his cannibal wife "I'm starving and we ate the last missionary two days ago." His wife responds "We won't be sent a new missionary for a few days, we've got 3 children, why not have one as a snack?" He thinks it's a great idea, so he eats his youngest chi...

Thank God lent is over....

not using condoms was definitely getting nerve-wracking.

"Hey, wanna play a game?"

A blonde and a lawyer find themselves sitting next to each other on airplane. As take-off begins the lawyer already finds himself getting bored, and so he turns to the blonde and says "Hey, wanna play a game?" Slightly interested, the blonde turns back to him and says "What is it?"

"Well, the...

A cheerio walks into his boss's office...

And he says to his boss, “Boss, I want to be more delicious than a plain old Cheerio.” The boss shuffles his papers around a bit, and replies. “Okay, I tell you what. If you go out and work for a year, I’ll upgrade you to a Honey Nut Cheerio.” The Cheerio thinks on it, and quickly agrees. He goes ou...

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A king hired a professional thief

The king wants to steal the national treasure of the neighboring kingdom, something that, if he owns, he'll have the right to rule BOTH countries. He sent out a call across the land for the best, sneakiest, and most ruthless assassins, thieves, brigands, and highwaymen and stated their crimes would ...

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NSFW: A man is exploring a cave when two large boulders fall on his leg, pinning him to the ground. A spider is the only one to hear his cries for help.

“I am the elder spider of this cave and will grant you one wish!” he says.
The man makes his wish and the spider calls all his brethren to watch. Thousands of spiders gather around, rubbing their hind legs and smacking their mandibles. The man is confused and a little scared but figures the sp...

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A man walks into a bar...

And says to the bartender "Hey buddy, if I show you something truly **amazing**, will ya give me a free drink?"

The bartender looks around, and seeing how its an insanely slow day, and he's bored out of his wits cleaning glasses all day, says "Sure, why the hell not? But it has to be **amazin...

Pun contest

In my town, we have a yearly pun contest. The winner gets the title of Punniest Person Period (kind of lame, but there is a cash prize equal to half of the price of all the entries as well). Being broke, I decided to enter.

I sat up all night trying to think of the best puns that I could come...

A blonde and a lawyer are sitting next to one another on a long flight.

Bored, and thinking he could have some fun with her, the lawyer leans over and offers to play a game.
"We take turns asking each other questions. If you cannot answer my question correctly, you must give me $10. If I cannot answer a question of yours correctly, I will give you $100. Deal?"
The...

Bob Tom and Debbie are Stranded on a Desert Island

Bob, Tom, and Debbie are Stranded on a Desert Island. Barely fighting to survive, they resign themselves to months with only each other for company.


Eventually, Bob and Debbie start getting it on, doing what comes naturally in survival situations.


Not to be left out of the fun,...

On a mission from my grandma and I need your help!

This is not a joke, but a request.

My grandma asked me to come up with a joke for her, for a speech she's giving to her charity foundation. The joke has to involve an old woman, and raising money/charity donations. Here's the example she gave me (slightly paraphrased from when she told it t...

A matter of conscience

A man is lying awake in the middle of the night in a hotel room, wracked with guilt because he just cheated on his wife. His conscience takes the form of a little angel and a little devil, and he's talking with them about what just happened.

The angel says, "Bill, this is the most terrible t...

So I heard some rumbling in my wardrobe...

...and so I approached the door with some nerve-wracking caution. To my surprise I saw both a lion and a witch in there, looking startled but out of breath.

I asked the witch, "What are you doing in my wardrobe?"

She replied, "Narnia business."

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A man comes home after work to find his girlfriend crying

As he walks in the door, he asks her, "What's wrong?"

"I heard on the news you were a pedophile!" She replies through wracking sobs.

"Well," he says, "that's an awfully big word for a third-grader!"

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