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A guy is walking up to a bar and sees a guy shoving his finger up another guys butt.

As he gets closer he notices that they're both quite drunk. His curiosity about the finger gets the better of him so he asks "Hey man why are you shoving your finger up that guy's butt?"

The man replies "We're really drunk so I'm trying to help my friend throwup"

Baffled by this he as...

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

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My girlfriend asked me to shove dried pasta up her butt

She was really into anal pennetration

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a man was admitted to the hospital with a wooden horse shoved up his ass

the doctors described his condition as stable.

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

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I shoved a battery up my ass for an experiment

The results where shocking

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.

Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the largest peni...

A woman awakes in the middle of the night...



...to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
...

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Someone just shoved a bomb into a bull's ass.

Just abominable.

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

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Did you know cucumbers are really good for your memory?

Someone shoved one up my ass 20 years ago, and I still remember it!

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Gates of Heaven

4 nuns die in a tragic bus crash.

They find themselves at the gates of heaven, where Peter greets them warmly. "Sisters, to enter into heaven, you must confess a sin." The sisters line up in front of Peter, who is smiling warmly.

The first nun pauses, takes a deep breath, and says "I....

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Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint but only have £1 between them.

Paddy says “I’ve an idear” and goes off and buys a sausage.
Murphy says “are ye mad? Now we’re skint!”
“Come on” says Paddy, “follow me”
They go into a pub, order two pints, and drink them.
Before they pay Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans and tells Murphy to get...

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Autopsy class

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked ...

A guy and his buddy are on the beach trying to pick up girls.

A guy and his buddy are on the beach trying to pick up girls. The guy walks up and down the beach in his bathing suit and nothing. Nobody looks. He comes back to his friend and the friend says "try a speedo". So he walks up and down the beach in his speedo. Nothing. The girls aren't reacting. So his...

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Did you hear about the guy who got a window shoved up his butt?

It was a huge pane in the ass.

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Never try to shove a piece of a window up your ass.

Its a real pane

An inquisitive cowboy ambled into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe without realizing it had recently come out of the forge.

Dropping it, he shoved his burned hand into his pocket and tried to appear nonchalant.

“Kinda hot, ain’t it?” asked the blacksmith.

“Nope,” said the cowboy. “It just don’t take me long to look at a horseshoe.”

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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Guy walks into a Doc's office

He says, "Doc I got this feeling something's eating away at my guts."

The Doc takes a look and says, "Oh no... What you've got is a rare hookworm. The thing is we can't just pull it out. It's hooked in there nice and good. We've got to coax it into coming out so we can grab it. Now you're jus...

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So I followed some advice I heard on tv and shoved a lightbulb up my ass to kill this virus.

So far no effect, but it sure gave my colon a great idea.

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I shoved some glitter up my arse last night

To see what would happen!

Just found out, pretty shit..

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Happy Endings...

There's a middle aged guy - getting a bit fat and bald now, got a gimpy leg so he's walking with a cane - his wife just gave up trying to get horny and sent him out to find his fun somewhere else.

So he arrives at a brothel he'd heard about - pretty tall, a townhouse, very plain looking outsi...

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are debating...

The cucumber says, "Life sucks. I've got it the worst. People grow me up to be big and strong, then they eat me".
.
.
The pickle says, "What? That's nothing. People grow me up to be big and strong, then they shove me in a small jar of salty water for a long time and then they eat me".
.<...

A boy gets a parrot for his birthday

A boy gets a pet parrot for his birthday.

The parrot is constantly swearing, and saying rude things. The boy tries to teach his parrot to stop saying bad words and things like that. He plays calm music to the parrot, he reads stories to the parrot, he tries everything he can to get the parrot...

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A french twitch streamer shoves an egg up his cat's butt

Can I get un oeuf in chat, please?

I was super worried, but then someone shoved dough, cheese and sauce into my head.

Now I have pizza mind.

A little girl in her Sunday best was running...

A little girl in her Sunday best was running as fast as she could to get to Sunday school on time. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late. Dear Lord, please don't let me be late." At that moment she tripped and fell getting her clothes all dirty. She got up, brushed herself o...

An old man is eating some breakfast at a diner when three bikers walk in.

The first biker puts out his cigarette in the old man's pancakes.

The second biker spits out his tobacco in the old man's coffee.

The third biker takes the entire meal and shoves it off the table.

The old man, without saying so much as a word, gets up, pays the waitress, and exi...

I was U2's bass player in their early days

One night I shoved Bono into our guitar player while he was doing a solo, and after tumbling over him, he got up and stabbed me with his pocketknife.

I thought that was a bit extreme, but guess I shouldn't have pushed him over The Edge.

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The pepper, the pickle, and the penis

Commiserating together at the bar are a pepper, a pickle, and a penis.

The pepper says, “Nobody understands the hell I’ve been through. When you’re a pepper, they take you in the prime of your life and throw you on a hot, tin roof to suffer in the sun until you’re a husk of your former self.”...

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He probably drank beaver milk (clever reference to the movie The Animal)

This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the acci...

Have you ever been attacked by a German Shepherd dog while having a white stick shoved up your backpassage?

Post that 2020 vision joke one more time..

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What would you get if you shove some ice cubes in your asshole?

Some cool shit

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My boyfriend was always business as usual in the bedroom until he shoved my handbag up my ass.

Now it's purse anal.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter’s date says, “I can get the peanut out.” He tells the father to sit d...

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A dwarf with a speech impediment goes into a stud farm, 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says to the owner of the farm.

'What sort of horse?' said the owner.

'A female horth' the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nithe horth.' says the dwarf,

'Can I thee her eyeth?' So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. 'Nithe eyeth.', says the dwarf,

'Can I thee her teeth?'...

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What do you call a telephone pole shoved deep into a rectum?

A shit post.

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I shoved a carrot up my ass...

It improved my hindsight and made me realize I shouldn't have done it

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A man goes for a prostate exam.

The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of $100 bills stuffed up his ass. He pulls out the money and counts it.

“You’re not gonna believe this, but I just found $1900 shoved up your ass!”

The man says, “Well that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”

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Three guys survive a plane crash in the desert. They wander for days, starving and thirsty. They finally come across a lone house and knock on the door, desperate for help...

A crusty old lady answers, and says she'd be happy to help if one of them will agree to satisfy her sexually first. After a quick discussion, one of the guys decides to take one for the team. He walks in to her bedroom while the other two wait outside the house. He tells her to close her eyes and op...

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Shove a copy of Shaun of the Dead up someone's ass

Simon Pegging

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I was constipated so I took an oral suppository

For all the good they did me, I might as well have shoved them up my ass.

Fed up with with the prices at the grocery store, a housewife finds the nearest employee and screams " YOU CAN TAKE THIS $12 PINEAPPLE, AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

The grocery clerk said "I'm sorry Ma'am but I can't. I already have an $18 chicken, a $6 gallon of milk, and 3 avocados up there"

[LONG] Three Robbers Are Making a Getaway.

Having escaped the museum with a Van Gogh, a Monet, and a Picasso, they toss them into their rucksack and get out of there. As they begin driving off, the police arrive on the scene and pursue them for 12 miles. Their car runs out of fuel and they break down behind a barn. Grabbing the paintings, th...

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Basic training

A man joins the parachute regiment. After basic training he goes home to tell his dad about it.

“How did it go son?”

“Great up to the last exercise. We had to do a real jump with full kit. We were at 9,000 ft and I was the last to jump. When I got to the door I froze. The drill Sargen...

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A farmer shoves his hand up his cows rear end...

And rubs the poop on his chapped lips

His son asks “does that help your chapped lips?”

The farmer replied “no, but it stops me from licking them.”

Talking Dog

I remember the old talking dog joke on some looney tunes cartoon. Man says "Ya gotta hire me and my talking dog! What's on top of a house, boy?"

(Dog barks) "Ruff!"

"See? He said Roof! What do the shingles feel like, boy?"

(Dog barks again)

"See, he said Rough! Who's the ...

A man falls asleep at church.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I...

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Two guys in a helicopter are crossing a mountain range when the rotor breaks and the chopper is going to crash.

As they are falling to their certain death, the pilot calmly reaches to his pocket and pulls out a bright red lipstick. He puts lipstick on, then tears the steering wheel out of the dashboard and shoves it up his ass. Passenger looks at the pilot in horror and shouts "what the hell are you doing, we...

Passwords NSFW

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." ...

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I shoved a 12th century coin up my ass and I couldn't help but laugh

Old butt gold.

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I always wondered why The Muppets had such large and wide open eyes.

I then realised that if I had a hand shoved up my ass my eyes would do the same.

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The cross-eyed mule

A farmer, extremely proud of his mule, often boasted that it could haul anything no matter the weight. As such, he constantly took the largest jobs and charged a hefty price for it.

One day in town he loaded up his largest job yet in his wagon. He hitched up the mule, gave it a switch, and th...

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(One of my dad's favourite jokes) - A mute man meets one of his mute friends

'Hello' his friend says.

The mute man is shocked, and points to indicate his friend's sudden use of speech.

'Oh yes,' the friend replies, 'I've found a fantastic doctor that helped me speak. Here, have his contact details and give him a visit'

The mute man excitedly goes to se...

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My girlfriend accidentally shoved a pair of glasses up my ass...

Now my hindsight is 20/20

3 Irishmen and 3 Englishmen are buying train tickets

The Englishmen all buy a seperate ticket, 3 in total. The Irishmen however buy only one ticket for the three of them.

One of the Englishmen asks: "Won't you guys get thrown off the train?"

"You'll see," say the Irish.

After riding the train for half an hour, the six men see the ...

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

Why did Ebenezer shove mints up a sheeps ass?

baa! humbug

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Steve went to doctor and after an exam he picked his prescription

When he came home, he opens the box and sees that "pills" look a bit strange. Asks wife and she cannot figure them either. So he calls doctor.

\- "Hi doctor, I got prescription today but pills are strange and don't look like something I could swallow."

\- "That's because those are not ...

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Little April isn’t always the best in school...

Little April isn’t always the best in school, she’d always fall asleep in class, on their first day of school for the year, they started with a religion class. Near the start of the lesson, the teacher decided to ask little April a question.

‘April, who created this universe?’ To the rescue, ...

When push comes to shove.....

You're delivering the baby wrong.

Ass hat with a badge

Been around for a while but haven't seen it lately.

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard, gets out, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old fella tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to insp...

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Some guy shoved a carrot up his ass.

Now his hindsight is 20/20.

Credit to some other redditor from a different thread.

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Carrot, cucumber, penis at a group therapy session.

The cucumber tells the group “ my life is so terrible people put me in a jar liquid and set me on a shelf for months and mutate me into something completely different” The carrot says no my life is way worse, people skin me alive, & eat my babies!” The penis pipes up and says “I think my life is...

Bill is infatuated with his own farts.

Bill and Mary have been married for a long time.

Bill is infatuated with his own farts. Mary is not, but she tolerates it.

Every morning, as Bill climbs out of bed, he rips an obnoxious fart as he heads to the bathroom.

And every morning Mary tells Bill, “one of these days you’r...

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I have a friend

He's a bit of a smarty pants. He comes to me today and tells me, "you know that an onion is the only food that can make you cry?"


So I shoved a pineapple up his arse.

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The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

My friend thought he was being smart, and said “Onions are the only food that makes you cry”.

So I shoved a carrot up his ass

A guy came up to me the other day, and shoved a gun into my face. He demanded my 'money or my life'.

Guess who the burned-out pencil pusher with a mortgage and a loveless marriage is now.

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What's long, hard, has "semen" in it, and nobody wants shoved down their throats?

Advertisements.

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The Farmer’s Fruits

Three guys are on a road trip and their truck breaks down in the middle of nowhere with only a farm by them, the farmer lets them in and says the only rule was that they couldn’t sleep with his daughter.

That night, all three of them sleep with his daughter. The farmer gets mad and takes the...

I stayed the night at this place called The Shove't Inn,

Not what I expected..

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The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

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How do you cover 10 holes with one hole?

Take a flute and shove it up your ass.

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Religion is like a penis.

It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around... and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.

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A nine-year-old boy was in his mother’s bedroom while his father was away at work.

Suddenly, he heard his mother coming in with a man and hid in the closet. The two kissed, then began to make out, before suddenly the front door opened and the boy could hear his father calling from downstairs. His mother quickly took her lover and shoved him into the closet, unaware that her son wa...

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A man gets sick in a remote village

A man gets sick in a remote village and his neighbors take him to the nearest doctor, far away in the big city. The doctor examines the man and prescribes him a suppository. He says to his neighbors the pill should be placed in the patients rectum. They take the doctors number in case anything happe...

Alice had fallen asleep in class when the teacher had called on her to answer a question

The teacher had asked the class "who created the world" she called on Alice who happened to be asleep. John who sat behind her poked her with a pencil to wake her up, she said loudly "Jesus Christ". "Very good" said the teacher

Class continued and the teacher asked another question "who made ...

PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.

If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.

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A Teacher asks the students..

‟Is it possible to insert 2 holes through one hole?”

Nobody is able to answer

Teacher: ‟You guys are so stupid. Go and ask your parents and come back tomorrow with an answer.”

The next day too, nobody is able to answer the question.

Teacher: ‟Well, it seems your parents a...

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Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist t...

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

"Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too...

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A man visits a doctor because he shoved an entire lettuce up his butt...

The doctor tells him,

"Hmm, there's a strange rash around your butthole now..."

The man, shocked, replies,

"Oh my god, is it serious?"

The doctor says,

"Serious? That's just the tip of the iceberg!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy shoves plastic farm animals up his butt

Doc says his condition is stable.

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There's an elderly couple who has reached that point in life, where sex isn't part of the itinerary anymore. One night, the wife turns to her husband and says, "Every-time one of us wants to have a bit of a slap and tickle, we just have to say, "Washing machine."

A night passes, and the husband leans over and whispers, "Washing machine." The wife gives him a shove and informs him that she has a headache.

A few nights go by and the same thing happens, but the husband is determined and he reckons he’ll just give it one more try. He leans over and whispe...

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A Russian Cossack, an American Cowboy, and a Mexican Bandito are sitting on a ridge getting drunk at their camp.

After some merriment, the Cossack rises to his feet, throws his bottle of vodka into the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots it and says "Ah, we have too much of that in my country anyway." The Bandito looks at the bottle of tequila in his hand, then throws it, pulls his pistol, shoots it out of th...

What should you do when push comes to shove?

Learn to read. The door says "pull".

Give a man a plane ticket, he will fly for a day.

Give a man a shove out of a flying plane, he will fly for the rest of his life.

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A friend told me about his trip out with his grandson.

This is what he said. "Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My 6 year-old grandson asked if he could say grace."

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food and I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert. And ...

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A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.

"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take."

A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y.

The boots are sucked right in.

He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in.

He...

An old joke I once heard from a friend, never fails to crack me up

A homeless man finds a shiny lamp by the road while trying to find a place to pass the night.

Picking it up, the man was just about to shove it in his bag when a genie appeared out of it.

"I can grant you one wish." Said the genie.

Not wanting to waste the wish, the man spent mu...

What do McDonald's and priests have in common?

They both shove their meat in seven year old buns.

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A man is going on a walk through the woods and stumbles across a glowing lamp, and out comes a genie who him grants 3 wishes.

The man says to the genie, “I wish to have unlimited wishes.” The genie denies this wish and declares that it is against the rules to grant more wishes. Then, the man says, “I wish for you you to summon a different genie that would be willing to grant me extra wishes.” Once again, the genie denies t...

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Mr Simpson owned a high end clothing store.

One day, just around closing up, a pretty young woman walks in, browses for a bit and ends up staring at a very expensive designer dress standing proudly in the centre of the store.
Mr Simpson notices, quietly walks up beside her and says 'it's a beauty, isn't it?'
She glances at him, sighs ...

Little Timmy went to school for the first time.

At school, a kid told him that if he wanted to earn money from everybody around him, all he had to say was “I know the whole truth.”

Deciding to test this, when he returned home he told his mother, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother immediately shoved ten dollars at him and said, “Do...

What do you get when you shove an iPhone into a blender?

Apple Sauce

A husband and wife at the store realize they’re just a few dollars short to pay for the groceries.

So they decide to remove the bread from their cart. The wife notices no one is looking and shoves the bread in her purse. They pay for the groceries and as they walk out of the store the alarm goes off. Immediately the cops come and search only to find the stolen loaf of bread in the woman’s purse. ...

A kid goes off to the army and comes back home after basic training.

He's having a chat with his dad about his experience, telling him how it went.

"So the first thing they do was have me run 15 miles. It was brutal. I had to have my fatigues on and carry my provisions. The drill sergeant said if we didn't do that we had to run 30 Miles the next day."

"...

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A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains, and realizes he has a tapeworm...

The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."

"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, skeptical. "What for?"

"Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell yo...

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A Woman goes to a tattoo Artist

“On my right inner thigh, I want a tattoo of John Lennon,”she says. “On my left inner thigh I want a tattoo of Paul McCartney.” The tattoo artist agrees to it and they settle on a price and a day to do the piece.

The day finally comes and the woman arrives early. Although she’s super excit...

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[NSFW] Sex with me is like trying to find you’re seat in a crowded movie theatre.

There’s a lot of pushing, a few pained grunts, a shove or two, and somewhere from the darkness you hear the word “sorry...”.

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