UPJOKE
pushjostleforcesqueezethrustnudgestufflungeprodpokeyankgoadsmothersmushgrab

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Breaking news: A man was admitted to the hospital with 25 toy horses shoved up his rectum…

Doctors described his condition as stable.

What do you get when you hand a Frenchman a live grenade and then shove him into a kitchen?

Linoleum Blownaparte

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We have just admitted a 43 year old man who came in with 9 plastic horses shoved up his rectum

We've listed his condition as 'stable'

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Some say the best part of having kinky sex with a German girl is getting Vienna sausages shoved up your ass.

Others say it’s the wurst part.

My wife came home with flowers, shoved them in my face and said "Look, peonies!"

I told her I didn't need to go, and even if I did I'd rather not.

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What's it called when you make sure you smell real good before getting a camera shoved up your bbutt?

Cologne-oscopy

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Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or As My Doctor Insists On Calling It, A Colonoscopy

The trick to swallowing is to shove it all the way in your throat since there are no taste buds back there.

My mother's cooking is terrible.

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

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It's true that carrots are great for memory.

Buddy of mine shoved one up my ass 15 years ago and I still remember it to this day.

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A pickle, a cucumber, and a penis were talking about how horrible their lives are...

The cucumber says, "my life sucks. I get left in the garden until I'm huge. Then cut into pieces and put in a salad."

The pickle says, "That's nothing! I get to sit in a jar with vinegar till I get swollen. Then I get eaten."

The penis laughs and says, " When I get huge, they thro...

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A man had to be rushed to the ER because he had a 4# dumbbell shoved up his arse….

When they got it out, he grabbed it, shoved it back up his ass and yelled TWO! (And this fam is why you always wipe down the equipment)

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I had an operation on my penis the other day, they shoved a tube down my shaft.

It was very eye opening.

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a gunslinger walks into a bar.

Low and behold there sits doc holiday. The gunslinger says you're doc holiday you're my hero. Would you mind critiquing my shooting? Doc says ok ... guy whips his pistol out and shoots the cufflink off the piano player. Doc says pretty good, but a true gunslinger can shoot with both hands. Guy pu...

A man is on his deathbed.

Long

A man is on his deathbed. He has three friends who come and visit him, being a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. He tells them, “I know you can’t take it with you. But I want to try. I’m giving you each $10,000 cash. When you come up to my coffin to pay your respects I want you to take ...

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The other night my wife and I were getting busy in bed....

She whispered in my ear “turn off the light and shove it in my arse”. I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

I saw a video on the news the other night of the former president with his hand shoved up under his arm making musical farting noises... I really enjoyed it!

I love a good Trump-pit solo!

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A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Commu...

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Gunfighter

Marvin had always wanted to be a gunfighter. He grew up in the old West. As a child he read everything about gunfighters he could find. His hero was Billy the Kidd. He dreamed of being just like his hero.One day he went to town and bought himself a black hat, some black clothes, a black horse and tw...

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The farmer, the pig and the monkey

A farmer wanted to enter his pig in the biggest pig competition at the county fair and he figured if he shoved a cork up the pigs ass the pig couldn’t shit and it would just grow and grow.
He decided to test this out on 3 different pigs, corking them for 3 months, 6 months and 1 year respective...

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A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to the doctor and says ‘doctor, my wife & I have been married 30 years, and have enjoyed a very active sex life up until now, but I can no longer get it up. I’ve tried every pill going, is there anything you can do?’

The doctor explains that there is an experimental surgery ava...

A German a French and an English man crash with their plane on an island.

Immediately they start to explore the island and encounter a native tribe.

The chieftain of the tribe commands everyone of those 3 to get into the jungle and gather 2 different kinds of fruits, otherwise he has to banish them from the island.

First the English man arrives back at the c...

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A constipated blonde goes to the doctor, who prescribes her with suppositories.

A week later, the blonde comes back and tells the doctor that she's still constipated.

"Did you take the suppositories like I asked you to?"

"I did, but it didn't work."

"Oh my. This had never happened to one of my patients before. My suppositories have always worked! Why didn't...

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3 Men end up marooned on an island

On the island they find a tribe of cannibals. They say they will let the men live if they complete a task. What they must do is go out into the forest and collect 10 of a type of fruit. The first man comes back with 10 apples. They tell the man he must shove all 10 apples up his butt without making ...

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The local brothel is hiring

This to be told at parties - needs to have women in the audience.

So, the local brothel has been losing business for a while and the owner thought it's time to add some new faces to shore up some business. She had 3 rooms open and could hire 3 more girls.

She puts up an ad on the loc...

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Did you hear about the guy who got a window shoved up his butt?

It was a huge pane in the ass.

The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff

As he walked through the plant, he noticed a young man doing nothing but leaning against the wall. He walked up to the young man and said angrily:
\-“How much do you make a Week?”
\-“Three hundred bucks,” replied the young man.
Taking out his wallet, the owner counted out th...

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My girlfriend wanted to roleplay as a magician during sex

It was fun until she hid my balls and shoved her rabbit up my ass

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Quit Your Job. Sell Your House. Go to Vegas.

This guy was sitting in his cubicle one day doing paperwork for his company when he heard a voice out of nowhere. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Las Vegas." He was a little freaked out by the mysterious voice, but managed to finish out his day, go home, and go to sleep.

The next day h...

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Two guys, Billy and Bob, head out in the woods, hunting for bear...

They hike to where their tree stand is, in the thickest part of the forest, set their bait, climb into the stand, hunker down and wait. Before too long, a small black bear comes by to check out the bait, and the hunters shoot it dead. They climb down and begin the work of butchering the carcass, whe...

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A Mexican, a Spaniard and an American are all travelling in a plane

When suddenly, the plane crashed onto a small island. The three emerged from the crash remains and noticed they're the only survivors.

They quickly organized and started gathering materials to survive when suddenly, a group of native cannibals surrounded them with spears and took them to the...

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Someone just shoved a bomb into a bull's ass.

Just abominable.

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A guy is walking up to a bar and sees a guy shoving his finger up another guys butt.

As he gets closer he notices that they're both quite drunk. His curiosity about the finger gets the better of him so he asks "Hey man why are you shoving your finger up that guy's butt?"

The man replies "We're really drunk so I'm trying to help my friend throwup"

Baffled by this he as...

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An illiterate man returns from hospital to his village.

The pills that the doctor gave him was too big to swallow so he asks people how to take it. No one knows so he calls his doctor

"Sir, the pills that you gave me are too big how do I take them?" Then he hangs up the phone and asks the people again

"He said these are suppositories and ha...

The Poacher and the Bishop of Ely

One day, Sam the poacher is off doing his thing in the fields, when he sees the Bishop of Ely, on his way home from a banquet, urgently looking round for a bush- any bush. Sam, seeing this, only goes and hides behind the same bush as the Bishop. Realising what the Bishop is up to, quick as a flash...

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Three explorers lost in a jungle

Sadly they've been found by cannibals, who took them to the village prison. The next day, the village chief, tell them they have to do a challenge if they're willing to survive. First part of it is to collect 10 fruits in the wild and come back for the second part. The first explorer starts his hunt...

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I shoved a battery up my ass for an experiment

The results where shocking

I shoved my daughter into a cardboard box.

I’m just being supportive, she told me she identified as mail.

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Never try to shove a piece of a window up your ass.

Its a real pane

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Cucumber, pickle and penis....

One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were having a conversation.


The Pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings on my and stick me in a jar.


The Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? Whenever I get big, fa...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the mat...

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You should shove a tampon in your mouth

Because you sound like a cunt

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What would you get if you shove some ice cubes in your asshole?

Some cool shit

Airborne training

A US Army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter. "I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed. "What happened?"...

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I shoved a carrot up my ass...

It improved my hindsight and made me realize I shouldn't have done it

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What do you call a telephone pole shoved deep into a rectum?

A shit post.

I was super worried, but then someone shoved dough, cheese and sauce into my head.

Now I have pizza mind.

A dwarf with a lisp goes to visit a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth"

He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?"

Said the owner.

"A female horth"

The dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a lovely mare.

"Nithe horth."

Says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her eyeth?"

So ...

A man summons a genie from a lamp

The genie says he’ll grant 3 wishes.The man’s first wish is for infinite wishes.Well the genie tells the man that he can’t wish for more wishes.So the man wishes for an umbrella.The genie does so and then ask “Why do you need an umbrella?”.The man then says “Now shove it up your ass”. With a painful...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

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Shove a copy of Shaun of the Dead up someone's ass

Simon Pegging

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Dwarf Buys a Racehorse

A Dwarf with a hairlip finds a racehorse for sale so he goes to see it.
He tells the man selling the horse that he will have to be lifted up to see what he needs to see, the man agrees.
the Dwarf says " furst i need ta see de eawrs"
the man lifts him up and the Dwarf says "vewy nice v...

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My boyfriend was always business as usual in the bedroom until he shoved my handbag up my ass.

Now it's purse anal.

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Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.



Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.



Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.



"Look," said Mr. Dickson...

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

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A college student returns to his dormitory after visiting a prostitute.

"Hey," the student's roommate says, "how was your... uh, session?"

"I don't know why you recommended her!" the student replies. "She's *literally* crazy!"

"What happened?!" asks the roommate.

"First," the student replies, "she told me to lie on the floor. I did, and then she sto...

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My girlfriend accidentally shoved a pair of glasses up my ass...

Now my hindsight is 20/20

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

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I shoved some glitter up my arse last night

To see what would happen!

Just found out, pretty shit..

Billy got a parrot for his birthday

This parrot was fully grown, with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Billy tried very hard to change the bird's manners, but nothing worked. Billy was getting really frusturated. He yelled at it and shook it. The bird just got even angrier and yelled fowl language even more. Finally Billy ...

"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade...

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So I followed some advice I heard on tv and shoved a lightbulb up my ass to kill this virus.

So far no effect, but it sure gave my colon a great idea.

Fed up with with the prices at the grocery store, a housewife finds the nearest employee and screams " YOU CAN TAKE THIS $12 PINEAPPLE, AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

The grocery clerk said "I'm sorry Ma'am but I can't. I already have an $18 chicken, a $6 gallon of milk, and 3 avocados up there"

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A french twitch streamer shoves an egg up his cat's butt

Can I get un oeuf in chat, please?

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A Muslim and a Christian get into a fight.

Christian: ever seen a cross? I’m gonna shove one up your ass.
Muslim: oh yeah?? Shove the five daily prayers up your ass.
Christian: WTF are the five daily prayers?
Muslim: they’re a pillar of Islam.

(hope it translates well, It’s more hilarious in Farsi)

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

When push comes to shove.....

You're delivering the baby wrong.

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Some guy shoved a carrot up his ass.

Now his hindsight is 20/20.

Credit to some other redditor from a different thread.

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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A farmer shoves his hand up his cows rear end...

And rubs the poop on his chapped lips

His son asks “does that help your chapped lips?”

The farmer replied “no, but it stops me from licking them.”

Why did Ebenezer shove mints up a sheeps ass?

baa! humbug

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I shoved a 12th century coin up my ass and I couldn't help but laugh

Old butt gold.

A guy came up to me the other day, and shoved a gun into my face. He demanded my 'money or my life'.

Guess who the burned-out pencil pusher with a mortgage and a loveless marriage is now.

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What's long, hard, has "semen" in it, and nobody wants shoved down their throats?

Advertisements.

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A man rubbed a lamp and an elegant genie exited from the lamp

The genie said, “You have released me from my bronze prison, you may now ask me three wishes of your liking”

The man, a clever one indeed, said, “I wish for infinite wishes.”

The genie responded with, “I am afraid that is against the rules.”

The man said, “I thought you could do...

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at the end of our first date

She says make love to me like they do in the movies
So I shoved it up her ass then came on her face...................................., Turns out we watch different movies

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Three guys get lost in a jungle

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways...

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NSFW A cucumber a pickle and a penis are chatting

About how hard life is.

The cucumber says you both got it easy they chop me up and put me in salads.

The pickle pipes up and says no way, my life is way harder I was once big and strong like you cucumber, but I've been drowned in a jar of vinigar until I shrivel up and become this mo...

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A man visits a doctor because he shoved an entire lettuce up his butt...

The doctor tells him,

"Hmm, there's a strange rash around your butthole now..."

The man, shocked, replies,

"Oh my god, is it serious?"

The doctor says,

"Serious? That's just the tip of the iceberg!"

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Three men die and are standing in line at the pearly gates.

St. Peter tells them that the rules have changed, and they can only be let in to heaven now if they have had a really bad death. He then proceeds to get their stories one at a time.

The first man explains. "I live on the 25th floor of my apartment building. I came home from work early today, ...

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A man goes for a prostate exam.

The doctor is checking him out when he finds a roll of $100 bills stuffed up his ass. He pulls out the money and counts it.

“You’re not gonna believe this, but I just found $1900 shoved up your ass!”

The man says, “Well that makes sense. That’s why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”

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What's the deal with 'adult toys'?

I mean they always refer to things you can shove up your asshole, but never like a big race car for grown ups!

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sailors

A policeman on night patrol near a naval dockyard hears a noise from down a dark alley, he shines his torch down the alley and sees two sailors, one is laid on the ground with his trousers around his ankles and the other has got two fingers shoved up his arse. The policeman says, " What's going on h...

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A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm from behind the bathroom door.

She knocks and asks, 'honey ,what is it?'

Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, 'The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having and no matter what I do, I just can't get the sucker up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me ho...

How do you fit an Elephant in a refrigerator ?

Open the door, shove in the Elephant, close the door.


*How do you fit a Giraffe in a refrigerator?*

Open the door, take out the Elephant, shove in the Giraffe, close the door.


*A plane has 20 bricks on the right hand side and 21 bricks on the left side. How do you balanc...

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prize winning pig [long]

The Johnson brothers have had longstanding rivalry with fellow farmers the Taft brothers for a decade. The Taft brothers constantly show them up, and Billy (the oldest) decides he's finally had enough, and this year they are going to win the prize for biggest pig at the county fair. He comes up with...

What should you do when push comes to shove?

Learn to read. The door says "pull".

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Three homeless guys are looking for a place to sleep for the night

(It's a long one but bear with it).

The first guy comes across a dumpster in an alleyway, he decides it's too cold to keep looking and climbs inside.

The second guy walks to the end of the alleyway and finds an abandoned car, he gets to work on picking the lock as he decides that's whe...

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

A man goes to his doctor to treat his stomachache and is prescribed a suppository.

Doctor: "So you know how to take this pill? It's a suppository."

Man : "Of course I know how to take a pill! Thanks, Doc."

The man walks out of the doctors office. The next day, the office gets a phone call from the man.

Man: "These pills don't work! My stomach hurts even worse ...

What do you get when you shove an iPhone into a blender?

Apple Sauce

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

The Captain's Drink

Captain Hook, Captain Crunch, and Captain America walk into a bar.
Hook says, "Ahoy mates, I'll buy the first round. Just let me go to the bathroom real quick."
The others wait and when Hook comes back Captain America asks, "Hey Hook, how bout those drinks?"
Hook yells, "Shove it up yer sta...

A guy wanted to have a drink on a train and needed some ice.

A guy wanted to have a drink on a train and needed some ice. He asked the coach attendant if some ice could be arranged.

The attendant explained train didn't have a kitchen since the food that was served was prepared elsewhere and loaded onto the train before departure.

The guy was ad...

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A soldier gets his penis blown off in jungle combat and is sent to the closest field hospital

The doctor at the field hospital says sorry son your penis is completely blown off, there is nothing I can do.. well there is something but it would be completely experimental.
The next morning the soldier wakes up and slowly lifts the sheets only to see a baby elephant trunk had been sewn on whe...

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Sherlock & Watson

Sherlock and Watson are walking through the park one fine day when they spot 3 women sitting on a bench eating bananas.

Watson says "Sherlock look, there are 3 women over on that bench eating bananas". Sherlock responds "Oh, the Nun, prostitute and the newlywed"? Watson is amazed with his st...

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Guy shoves plastic farm animals up his butt

Doc says his condition is stable.

A communist, a nationalist, and a Ba'athist are on a plane... | A popular Syrian joke

**Disclaimer**: The Ba'ath Party (tr. *revival party)* is the murderous ruling party of Syria (and at one point, Iraq as well), famous for their torture, human rights violations, and surveillance of Syrians.

On a flight somewhere in the Middle East, the pilot declares that the plane is overlo...

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Biden, Macron, and Putin make a bet who is going to successfully feed mustard to dog

Biden takes the mustard bottle, shoves it in dogs mouth, then squeezes. "That's animal cruelty!" the other two protest.

Macron takes a sausage, puts the mustard inside it, then give it to the dog. "That's cheating!" the other two protest.

Putin takes the mustard, then squeezes it all o...

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A man gets sick in a remote village

A man gets sick in a remote village and his neighbors take him to the nearest doctor, far away in the big city. The doctor examines the man and prescribes him a suppository. He says to his neighbors the pill should be placed in the patients rectum. They take the doctors number in case anything happe...

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