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A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor s...

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Just be careful because people are going crazy from being in lock down!

Actually I've just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and we all agreed that things are getting bad.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.

Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold a...

I put my blood, sweat, and tears into my work, and this is the thanks I get.

The restaurant is not pressing charges but I'll be lucky to find work as a chef again.

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Little Bobby woke up early on Thanksgiving Morning

As he was putting on his clothes for the day, he heard a loud, "FUCK!" coming from the Kitchen.



Little Bobby rushed downstairs, to see his mother nursing a cut on her finger.



"Mom, what does 'Fuck' mean?" asked little Bobby.



"It's a way of preparing the t...

I had a job canning drinks at a factory but have recently quit

It was soda pressing

I keep pressing the space bar on my computer

But for some reason I am still on Earth.

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So a guy goes for a walk along the tracks...

A guy goes for a walk along the train tracks one day. He sees something laying across the tracks up in the distance. As he gets closer, he realizes it’s a person. He runs up and finds himself staring at the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, tied to the tracks. Instantly falling in love with her, ...

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I love pressing the F5 button

It's so refreshing

Did you know that pressing Alt-F4 prevents downvotes?

At least temporarily.

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Tim's wife Shannon likes to yell at him.

"Why did you do that, for Pete's sake?" She'd shout whenever he did something she didn't like, which over several years of marriage, was quite a lot.

Until one night, Tim had enough. He left the house in a rage and didn't come back. In the morning, Shannon woke up to find a policeman at the ...

These long quarantines have been so difficult for many marriages.

Luckily for me I have an amazing wife. Just last night I woke up to her firmly pressing a pillow against my face to protect me from Covid-19.

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My wife keeps pressing the panic button on her car keys when I kiss her

I really do make her horny

I was feeling really sad while crushing cans today...

It was soda pressing.

I pointed out that my wife was pressing a no-wrinkle shirt,

but she didn't appreciate the irony.

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An artist and his wife have been having sex daily for almost two months.

While highly unusual, he doesn't question it for fear of pressing his luck. One day, his wife approaches him.

"Honey? Can you draw a picture for me?"

"Sure babe, what would you like?" he replies.

"I want to see how you think our baby will look."

The husband stares at her,...

ddddddddd

Sorry, that was d-pressing

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Don't feel bad about pressing the close door button when you see someone running for the elevator.

If they have that much energy, they should take the stairs.

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It has been mentioned that when cruises start sailing again, the buffets will all be staffed with servers instead of just serving yourself.

The saddest job will be the person who has to push the buttons on the pop dispenser.   Why?   Because it is "soda pressing".


I will see myself out.

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A man suffered from a chronic hellish headache

He went to see a doctor who, after the usual exams, said:

- My friend, I have good and bad news. The good thing is that I can cure you of this headache forever. The bad news is that to do that I'll have to castrate you! Your testicles are pressing on your spine, and that pressure causes a he...

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Have you heard about the man who had to press the "D" button on a keyboard his whole life?

It's a d-pressing story.

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