Where did Noah keep his bees ?

In the Ark hives.

Where did Noah put the penguins on the ark?

In the arctic section.

Note: my 7 yr old grand daughter made this up on the spot, after I told her this joke:
Where did Noah put the bees on the ark?
In the archives.

I think she's pretty clever.

What did Noah say when he finished loading all the animals?

"Now I've herd everything."

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights

Why hasn’t Noah’s Ark been found?

Because it’s Noah to be found.

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It's the second day on Noah's Ark and all the animals are meeting up with their counterparts.

The unicorns find each other, and the first unicorn introduces himself, saying "Hi, my name's Frank." The second unicorn says "Hi Frank, I'm Jerry!" The unicorns in unison say "Oh shit..."

Why couldn’t Noah see his animals after he led them on to his big boat?

It was d’ark

What's the difference between Joan of Ark and Noah's ark?

Joan of Ark was Maid of Orleans. Noah's ark was made of wood.

Noah's wife: the ark is falling apart Noah: glue might work, I have an idea

Horse: it's weird he brought 3 of us

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unen...

Noah sent his animals to 'go forth and multiply'

A pair of snakes replied 'we can't multiply, we're adders' -- so Noah built them a log table.

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big ...

I said to my mate Noah: ‘You should change your surname to Fence...

...No offence.’

In the days of Noah why did God kill all the sinners with the flood?

It was naughty cull.

If anyone of you here needs an ark..

I noah guy

Dictionary namesake Noah Webster's funeral

Noah Webster was an important man in the field of lexicography. So when he died his wife, Miriam, decided to have a large funeral. Many people came out. Near the end, after the eulogy, Miriam asked if anyone else wanted to say something about her late husband. A man comes up to her and says, “I woul...

Noah's Ark had landed, and the flood waters subsided....

..and Noah released all the animals in the Ark, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply!"

All the animals dispersed, except for a pair of snakes.

Noah looked at them and asked, "Why are you not doing as I said?"

One of the snakes replied, "We can't multiply, we're adders."

So, ...

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

Noah is on mission from God to gather a pair of each animal

So he journeys far and wide to all the corners in the world to gather them up.

Once he came to Scotland, he told the natives: " Hear me! God is wrathful with mankind! Do gather up a breeding pair of each kind of animal and bring them to me. Once my task is complete, it shall rain for forty da...

There are two great financial geniuses in the Bible

One was Noah, who floated his stock while everyone else had to go into liquidation.

The other one was pharaoh's daughter, who went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a prophet.

How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.

Forty days pass, the flood recedes, and Noah and his family are settling in.

Noah's wife notices that all the animals are starting to reproduce, except for a pair of snakes. She asks Noah about it, and he says he'll take care of it. A week later, Noah brings his wife out to the workshop, and shows her the snakes in their basket on top of the picnic table he just built. "How ...

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.

When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."

Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber ther...

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."


Noah being ...

After the Flood, Noah commanded the animals...

"Go forth! Be fruitful! Multiply!"

And so, the animals did go forth from Mt. Ararat, and behold they were fruitful and did multiply as Noah had commanded. But Noah saw that two snakes had remained with the ark.

"Serpents! Why has thou not done as I have commanded, and gone forth to mul...

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What did Noah do with all the shit from the ark?

He threw it overboard. A few thousand years later Christopher Columbus discovered it.

When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, "Go forth and multiply".

When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained.

"Didn't you hear me? Go forth and multiply!" Said Noah, annoyed.

"We can't" replied one of the snakes. "We're adders".

Noah's son walks into a kosher deli and orders a sandwich.

"Sorry," said the owner. "We don't serve Ham."

Two Married Unicorns are Lying in Bed

The husband Unicorn, without looking up from his newspaper, says “big storm’s a brewin”. The wife Unicorn then replies, “ well then I’m glad we didn’t go on that cruise with your whack job friend Noah!”

What did God say to Noah?

Do a backup, I'm going to format it.

3 nuns die and go to heaven

St. Peter tells them, "I am going to ask each one of you a question. If you get it right, I will let you in."

He asks the first one, "Who built the ark?"

"Easy, that was Noah." She replies.

Peter tells her that is correct and lets her in.

Peter asks the second one, "W...

So I've been watching an anime adaptation of the bible recently

And my favourite arc so far is Noah's

How many mosquitoes did Noah kill on the ark?

Zzzzzzero

The Bible is not a very good book

But Noah’s arc was flooded with good story

Noah

I was just born and my dad asked my mom, "Do you have a name in mind?"

My mom said, "No, uh..."

Noah lets all the animals off the ark and tells them, "Go forth, and multiply."

Noah lets all the animals off the ark and tells them, "Go forth, and multiply."

A year later, he goes around to all the animals to see how they're doing. The horses have foals, the wolves have pups, the lions have cubs...everything looks good. But then he gets to a couple of snakes, and they ...

I think Noah might be the craziest of Biblical figures; hearing God, building an ark, gathering animals

The whole thing sounds delugional.

Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?

They were looking for the ark tick.

Football game on Noah's Ark

Okay so the animals have been on the ark for thirty days and thirty nights and frankly they are getting bored. So to provide entertainment B-Deck challenges C-Deck to a game of football. They get it all set up and begin play. B-Deck makes some early gains but C-Deck is unstoppable. They have Rhinoce...

What did Noah say after he let the dinosaurs in?

Welcome to Jurassic Ark

What type of lights were on Noah's Ark?

You'd think it would be floodlights, but in reality it was the Israelites!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Noah's diary: Day 39

Unicorn pie is fucking delicious!

When all the animals left the ark, Noah gave them instructions as they departed:

To the Aardvarks, he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"

A couple snakes came slithering out, and he commanded, "Go forth and multiply!"

"We can't, we're adders." replied the snakes.

Well Noah kept giving commands, until at last he told the zebras, "Go forth and multiply!" ...

Lots of rain lately - anyone need an Ark built?

I Noah guy.

Which bird did Noah regret taking on the ark?

The woodpeckers.

After the great flood, Noah begins unloading the ark, and instructs the animals to "go forth and multiply!"

Once most of the exodus has completed, he noticed a pair of adders in the back looking rather distraught. "What's the matter?" he asked them.

"We're only adders, we can't multiply!" said the snakes.

Thinking quickly, Noah dashed off into the forest, and returned a short time later carr...

Modern Bible Stories: American Noah's Ark

…..And the Lord spoke to Noah and said:
” In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed, but I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.”
In a...

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After Noah led the animals onto the ark, it started to rain

After Noah led the animals onto the ark, two by two, it started to rain for 40 days and 40 nights. After the 15th day, with all the animals cooped up together with no designated toilet area, the ark began to smell. So Noah, being a wise old Noah, decided to set up a designated shitting area at the b...

Noah was feeling bored on the Ark

His wife said, "Why don't you go outside and fish for a little?"

Noah agreed, grabbed his fishing pole and went out on the deck to fish.

He comes back in 10 minutes later, sits down, and pouts.

His wife asks him, "Why did you stop fishing?" and he says,

"I ran out of worm...

I like how when people in the Bible, like Noah, hear voices, it's "God speaking to them"

But when I hear voices I'm "Clinically insane"

What's Mohammed, Moses and Noah's favourite dessert?

Propheteroles

Noah and the Two Snakes.

Noah, after settling his ship down and letting loose the animals aboard his Ark unto the world, noticed a pair of snakes that were left behind.

"Well, what are you guys still doing here?" Asked Noah.

"Remember how you said 'go forth and multiply' ?" One of the snakes replied.

"Y...

A Texan is in London, and looking for Razor blades

“Y’all got any American razor blades in here ?” the Texan asked the English pharmacist.

“All I see are these stupid Wilkinsons.” 

“Sir,” the pharmacist patiently replied, “Wilkinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before Waterloo.” 

...

What did Noah tell his son while they were fishing?

Better get this right, I only have 2 worms.

After the flood, Noah tells the animals from the Arc to "go forth and multiply."

After a few months, Noah figures he better wander around and see how the animals are doing. Everybody is happy until he comes across a couple of snakes - they are quite downcast and not very happy. Noah asks what wrong, and they say "We are Adders, so we can't multiply!"

Noah rubs his chin fo...

Why was Noah such a compelling character?

He had a good ark.

Dear Noah

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said you were leaving at 4:00.

Sincerely,
The Unicorns

A Jewish father decided to sent his son to Israel and this happened.

A Jewish father sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.
When the son returned, he said, “Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.”


“What have I done!” said the father,


He took his problem to his best friend Joseph a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old jew dies and goes to heaven.

When he gets there, he asks god if he wants to hear a holocaust joke.

God agrees and the man tells him the joke.

When he finishes the joke, god looks at him and says "That's not funny, actually it's quite offensive."

The old man shrugs and says "I guess you had to be there". ...

What did the aardvark say to Noah?

What do you mean you only brought two ants!?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day God got so pissed off with the world and wants a restart.

“Noah it’s time to get into your boat.”

Noah...

The original Pokemon Master.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Landing on the Moon

In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American.


‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked.


‘We...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone once told me "What is right is not always popular and what is popular is not always right, think about how crazy people thought Noah was."

So I set aside my reservations and had sex with my daughters

What did Noah name the carpentry supply store he set up in Little Rock?

Ark-n-Saw.

So the Great Flood has receded, and Noah is releasing all of the animals from the ark...

... Everything is going smoothly - the giraffes, bears, birds - all of them are going forth and repopulating the earth.

Suddenly, a pair of snakes goes up to Noah. He says "What's wrong? Go forth and multiply!"

The snakes say, "We can't. We're adders."

So Noah goes into the for...

Why was Noah the best businessman?

He floated his stock while the rest of the world was in liquidation.

The greatest journalist? Samson. He took two columns and made an impression on everyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ah sed to me Yorkshire mate, "Dosta know who built t'Ark?"

'E sed, "Aye, Noah"

Ah sed, "Mek up thy mind!"

Daft bugger.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ancient History

Their usual English teacher was sick, and a substitute wanted to engage the class personally. "Tell me
what you last name is and tell you the story behind it".

Jack Faulkner was first. "Your great-great grand father must have trained falcons for a nobleman, to use in hunting
wild animal...

Why did the worm leave the Apple?

Because Noah said to travel in pairs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 Dinosaurs were sat on a beach watching as a ship sailed into the sunset

One dinosaur turns to the other and says "That Noah's a bit of a twat isn't he."

God comes and talks to Noah while he is building the Ark...

He says :"Noah, Hear my will. I have decided what I wish to fill the first storey of the ark with"

"Of course my lord, what is it you wish?"

"I wish for you to fill it with carp!"

Noah is confused, he says "But my lord, carp can swi-

"**DON'T QUESTION MY WILL NOAH**"
<...

Someone stole the enclosure that was built to hold the animals in the ark.

Newspaper headline: “Noah fence taken.”

An atheist’s near death experience:

God: Welcome my son!

Atheist: God?

God: Yes; you’ve had an accident do not worry. You will wake up soon enough.

Atheist: So before I do I’ve got to ask... did Noah really build an arc for all the animals in the world?

God: Yes, but you’ve got to realize that ...

Three nuns die and go to heaven at the same time......

....when they arrive they find St Peter at the gate looking concerned.
“I’m afraid we are nearly full, so we are restricting entry to those who can answer my questions correctly”.
The nuns feeling confident say “fire away.”
“Ok, question 1. Where was Jesus born?”. Nun #1 steps up and...

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