Spank Jokes - 91 Hilarious Spank Jokes

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

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A wife was cleaning their 12-year-old son’s bedroom. When she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags, she asked her husband, “what do we do?”

The husband said, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”

Spanking your own kids is already low

But If You Spank Someone Else's Kid
You've Hit A New Bottom

Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

My girlfriend cuddled up to me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies.".

So, I spanked her and came in her hair.

I think we watch different movies.

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A little boy named johnny is going to visit his neighbour's baby who was born with no ears.

"Listen Johnny, you must not mention the baby's ears, or i'll spank you." Johnny's mom explains to him. They arrive at the neighbour's house, and Johnny asks the neighbour: "so how much does he weigh?"

"He weighs a lot for his age, he's very healthy." The neighbour is excited to have someone ...

I went to a spanking party the other night.

I feel like I’ve really hit bottom.

If I spank Dwayne Johnson...

does that mean I hit Rock bottom?

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My sexual desires have been getting out of control, but it wasn’t until I spanked a statue...

...that I knew I’d hit rock bottom.

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.
The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "Oh my god! What should we do about this...

What do you call pasta that likes to be spanked?

>!Fetish-ccine!<

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A man is walking through the grocery store, when a woman stops him and says

"I think you're the father of one of my kids!"

The guy stops for a moment. Then he snaps his fingers and points at her. "Wait! Aren't you that stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, while all my buddies watched, and your sidekick was spanking my ass with wet ce...

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Pay per spank

So a Religious and up tight Father checks into a hotel with his wife and children. Before they unpack there bags , his wife reminds him about the pay per view channels . The father walks down to the front desk and rings the service bell. The front desk manager says “ How May I help you Sir?” ...

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My girlfriend won't let me spank her butt during foreplay, so I glued her butt cheeks together...

Well, if you can't beat them, join them.

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Boy gets spanked

A black boy walks into the kitchen where his mother is baking and accidentally pulls the flour over onto his head. He turns to his mother and says, “Look Mama, I’m a white boy!” His mother smacks him and says, “Go tell your Daddy what you just said!” The boy finds his father and says, “Look Daddy, I...

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An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put...

When I misbehaved, my father wouldn't spank me.... Instead, he'd ground me.

And Then He'd Run Electric Current Through Me.

Mom was very upset when she found a bondage S&M magazine in her son's room.

She showed it to her husband when he got home.

He handed it back to her without a word.

She asked him, "Well, what do we do about this?"

"Well, whatever you do, don't spank him."

A mother discovers some S&M magazines under her teenage son's bed...

She calls her husband... What now? He says I'll be home from work in 5 hours... and whatever you do, don't spank him!

Getting older

It's amazing how things you hated as a child become things you enjoy as you get older.

Like taking a nap.

Or getting spanked.

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Today I snapped and spanked one of my students for being disrespectful in class.

My son better be more respectful to me during this quarantine school situation.

Every time he smacked my ass, I said "harder, daddy!"

And that is why my parents don't spank me anymore.

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[nsfw] some parents find their teenager’s browser history

It’s full of s&m porn.

Mom says: well what are we going to do?

Dad says: what do you mean?

Mom says: well.. we can’t *spank* him.

I saw an attractive man spank his child after the child threw his fries

I then saw an old lady walk up to them and drop her fries

What's the similarity of a failure and you spanking a hard ass?

You're both hitting rock bottom.

Mom finds chains and whips in sons room

So she goes and ask her husband what they should do about his bdsm issue. The dad says, “well I definitely wouldn’t spank him”

What's the difference between a thunderstorm and a child being spanked?

One pours with rain, and the other roars with pain.

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My wife’s doctor prescribed her a new pill

It’s great, now we fuck every night, all sorts of positions, some she’d never tried before. Introduced toys and bondage, spanking and 3 ways….. and she hasn’t woken up once.

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

"Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

"Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of w...

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:

Top 5 mom's punishments that have become pleasures:

1. "Go to sleep NOW"

2. "Eat ALL YOUR FOOD"

3. "You will not leave the house"

4. "Go to your room!"

5. "One more word and I'll spank that ass"

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Just heard Dad tell this joke to Mum.

Just heard Dad telling this joke to Mum...

A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

'You know what?' says the 5 year old, 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'

The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

'When we go downs...

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A man with no arms was having sex with his girlfriend and she asked him to spank her

He said:"If you ask me to spank you one more time, I'm gonna kick your ass".

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Another guy comes home from work to find his wife very upset....

"Honey, what's the matter?" he asks.

"This!" she says, pulling out a stack of heavy duty S&M porn magazines, you know, the really hardcore German stuff with whips, chains, leather suits & ball gags. "I found these in our son's room when I was changing the sheets. What are we going to ...

Remember the 7-Mile Spanking Machine?

Turns out there will also be a punch line.

A man once spanked off to the moon

He suffocated halfway there

I'm in favor of spanking children.

Their parents are not.

My wife and I found some S&M videos on my son's computer...

"What should we do?"

"Well, we can't spank him."

If I go around spanking statues,

Does that mean I've hit rock bottom?

The worst part about spanking a kid in Walmart....

The worst part about spanking a kid in Walmart is not knowing who’s kid it is.

Apparently, In Sweden parents aren't allowed to spank their kids.

Like that would bother me, I don't do foreplay.

Today I spanked the wrong woman at BDSM party

Oops, wrong sub

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Four women were chatting in the locker room (nsfw)

When one of them mentioned the fact that while there were numerous terms for male masturbation: jerking off, wanking, spanking the monkey, and so on... there weren't any common terms for female masturbation.

"I've always called it 'jilling off'," said one of the women.

"But that's just...

A mom decided to clean her teenage boy's room and she discovered a bunch of bondage & S&M gear - whips, handcuffs and stuff. She asked her husband what she should do about it and he replied...

"Probably not spanking him"

Last night my parents found S&M videos on my laptop.

"What should we do?" My mom asked.

"Well we can't spank him!" My Dad replied.

My parents found an S&M magazine under my brother's bed...

My dad said, "Well, spanking him is out of the question."

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A man with a speech impediment is walking along the road

He goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk "do you have a bum and fuck it?" the clerk replies "No,but we have a bucket!" so the man buys it. Later on he heads into a pet store and he asks the clerk "do you have a cock and spank it?" the clerk replies " No, but we have a cocker spaniel!" The ma...

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Two brothers are in their room one morning.

The older brother says, "Billy, I'm 9 and you're 6. We're practically men. So today when we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell and you're gonna say ass."

Billy nods his head in excitement and they go downstairs. The boys sit at the table and their mom greets them.

"Good ...

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A trucker was missing his girlfriend

A trucker had been on the road for a couple of weeks and was looking forward to seeing his girlfriend back home and having sex with her. He was nervous about busting a nut too early and remembered reading that masturbating before having sex would help prolong the act. The only problem was that he di...

A blonde was found spanking her child for getting a B+ while the neighbour's child got an A+....

.... in the blood test.

What did the dominatrix say after she spanked the wrong slave?

Whoops, wrong sub

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I remember the good ol' days when we would spot a bear in the woods, strip down to our underwear, spank it on the butt and then make a run for it.

Those were the days. I really do miss when I didn't have to type with my tongue as well.

A young mother is cleaning her son Jimmy's room...

When she stumbles upon an S&M magazine underneath his pillow. She freaks out because young Jimmy is only 8 years old. She runs to her room where she meets her husband.

"Bill, look what I found underneath Jimmy's pillow! He's only 8, what should we do??!"

The husband eyes the mag...

What does a Victoria's Secret Black Friday sale have in common with a girl about to get a spanking?

Both have panties half-off.

A man and his wife find an S & M magazine under their son's bed.

Mom says "This is horrible, what should we do?"

Dad replies, "Well we can't spank him!"

A woman is talking to her next door neighbour and she says I'm worried about my 16 year old son...

I looked in his school bag and found a gimp mask, nipple clamps and a whip. What should I do.
And the neighbour replyed I'm no expert but I wouldn't spank him.

My friend lost is job at the zoo.

They caught him spanking the monkey.

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Little 5-year-old Johnny was running around the house making noise...

When his mother yelled at him, saying: "Can't you find something to do? Like maybe go across the street and watch the construction workers build that new house? "

So, Johnny did. A few hours later, His father had just returned home from work. "Where were you, son?" He
asked.
...

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Isn't it weird that phrases mean something totally different as an adult than when you were a kid?

Like, "It's time for a spanking." "You've been a bad girl." Or "Come over here and suck daddy's dick."

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I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazin...

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A bloke notices a gorgeous bird giving him the eye in the supermarket.

"Do I know you?" he asks.
She says, "Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?"
He thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful and says, "Were you the hooker I fucked over the pool table at my bucks night, while your mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that ma...

Dwayne Johnson's mom was going through a really bad time in her life after she spanked her son

She had just hit rock bottom.

My wife and I are really into light BDSM play...

...even our favourite breakfast is spank aches.

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One day a mom was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found some BDSM porn DVDs

Needless to say she was very upset. She took it all and waited until his father came home and showed it all to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, " What should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you sh...

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Lost In Translation

Jannik had just arrived to america and could only speaker German, but he was staying with a friend who was teaching him English. After a few days his friend feels he has learned enough and sends Jannik on some errands to test out his English. First Jannik goes to the bakery down the street and order...

I really didn't enjoy my Hollywood Internship...

They made me follow Leonardo DiCaprio around for 6 hours carrying his water bottle which was exhausting.

They made me floss between Tom Cruise's toes which was humiliating.

But when they made me spank Dwayne Johnson...

That's when I knew I'd hit rock bottom.

(edit: no lon...

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TIFU by trying to punish my son after finding bondage gear, fetish masks, and milf porn in his room

I really shoulda thought twice before spanking him

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Little Johnny's mother was cleaning his room...

and while putting his clothes away notices some BDSM magazines tucked under his socks.

Unsure of what to do, Little Johhny's mother waits till her husband gets home and shows him the magazines.

Mother: I don't want this smut in my house, how are we going to punish him?
Father: I h...

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My mother heard me in her room and started yelling...

My mother heard me in her room and started yelling,

I don't know what your into but I'm going to spank your ass.

I yelled back " jokes on you that is what I'm into"

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The little boy who couldn’t speak some words right

Today was a young boy’s birthday. His mother gave him money to spend on this special day. So he goes to the near by stores near his home.
The first store he enters was general store. He tells the clerk,” May i buy this bum and fuket?” The clerk looks confused but then realise he pointing at the g...

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The difference between courage and ballsy

Courage is, when you come home late after a night out with the boys and getting attacked at the door by your wife with a broom and having enough courage to ask her "Are you still cleaning or are you about to go out and fly?"

Ballsy is, when you when you come home late after a night ou...

There was a porta-potty near the edge of a small cliff

Everyday young Bobby would walk by it on the way home from school, and every day he would resist the temptation to kick it off the edge of the cliff.

This all changed one day when Bobby had a particularly bad day at school. He had learned about boring topics, like how George Washington cut do...

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Little Johnny's penis starts to itch while his mom registers him for summer camp...

...so he scratches the itch. The counselor and his mother both see this, and his mom chastises him.

"It's not appropriate to do that to yourself in public or private, honey. I don't wanna see you ever scratching yourself in public again."

"Okay mom." Johnny says.

Later, Little ...

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby

... Little Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom And he began to cry. The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. She quickly responded 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place, spank ...

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A sadist and a masochist meet for some kinky time

They go to the sadist's room, full of whips, clips, bondage stuff etc. The sadist slowly goes from one device to the next, eyeing the masochist.

The masochist can't take it anymore and blurts out "Oh yes master, whip me, spank me, hurt me!"

And the sadist, with an evil, horny grin,...

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A man that couldn't speak properly goes to run some errands [long]

His first stop, the bakery. The man fronts up to the counter, and asks the owner, "may I have a bum, please."
Perplexed, the owner asks, "a bum, sir? Sorry, we don't sell those, but we do have buns."
"Yes, that is what I meant, sorry."

After completing his first transaction, the man wal...

Three old guys are sitting around in the park.....

discussing whose memory goes back the farthest. Says Larry, “I remember being taken to the church, all dressed up in this scratchy white stuff, and having people standing around and someone splashing water on me.”

“Aww, that’s nothing,” says Irv. “I can remember this nice, dark room, and then...

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Let's hear your best "my penis is so big" jokes

My dick is so big that at birth, instead of spanking me, the doctor smashed me with a bottle of champagne

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Three boys plan to swear in front of their mom.

After dinner, the mother asks her sons what they want for dessert. The first and eldest son says "I want some goddamn ice cream!" The mother spanks the boy and sends him to his room with no dessert. She then asks the second boy what he wants for dessert, and he tells her "I want some goddamn ice cr...

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A man gets a call from his mistress while he's at work

The mistress tells him, "come over tonight, and bring that thing I like"

That night he gets to his mistress' house, and they get right into it. Eventually she takes him to the bedroom, and crawls on the bed on her hands and knees. "Now do me like I like it". He climbs on the bed & puts it...

The Good Old Days

> You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

- Emo Philips

Did you hear about the convention...

Did you hear about the spanking fetish convention here last weekend?

Apparently a big hit and everyone came.

A Mother is cleaning her kids room...

She finds a bunch of BDSM gear and fetish mags. She shows her husband

Mom: What do we do?

Dad: I'm not sure, but whatever you do you better not spank him!!

Soon, usernames will be passed in families as a legacy

"Son, there's something i want you to have.., it's my username"
"Oh jees, thanks dad ! "
"You're welcome son, euh i mean SirSpankALot"

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A little boy never saw his buttocks.

The boy never saw his buttocks all these years. One day at school he did not complete his homework so got a spanking from the teacher on the bottoms. Sobbing he rushed home and to look at the damage turned towards a mirror and shouted..

"Oh my God she split it in half. "

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A mother cleaning her adolescent sons room finds a stash of hardcore German S&M porno mags...

Mortified, she puts them back so he won't know, but hides one in her apron to show her husband. Later that night they're in bed and she shows him the magazine... The father chuckles at first, assuming it was a Playboy, or Penthouse, but quickly becomes horrified at the images of whippings, and ball ...

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The Cheerios

Twins, Johnny and Billy are turning 13 next week and so they were discussing growing up.

“Since we are gonna be grown up now we should be able to curse”

Johnny says “Ok Billy you say Shit and I’ll say Ass.”

So they head downstairs for breakfast ready for the day.

Their M...

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole, but was never able to attract the girls.

He decided to ask his friend Billy Bob for advice. Billy Bob explains, "It's those baggy swim shorts that make you look like an old fool. They're years out of style. Bubba, grab yourself a pair of Speedos, about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized Tater down inside them. I'm tellin' 'ya man y...

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Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Tiffany had prepared a lovely breakfast for her three sons, and asked them what they wanted to eat.

“I’ll have some of that fucking sausage,” said the oldest. Tiffany gave him a proper spanking for his foul language, and sent him to his room without any breakfast.

She returned to the...

I gave my friend a really tight sports bra as a going away present.

It was just my way of saying spanks for the mammaries.

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Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. So when the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad als...

One day, Billy was playing at home with some matches.

Even though his mother had told him not to. He accidentally set the house on fire, and he and his mother fled outside. As the house was burning down, his enraged mother said,

"Boy, your dad is going to spank you when he gets home".

But Billy just laughed; he knew his dad had come home ...

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