Teacher: What's the most important punctuation mark?

Little Johnny: The period?

Teacher: Correct. Can you tell me why?

Little Johnny: I'm not sure, but when my sister missed hers, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack , and the next door neighbor shot himself.

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Punctuation and grammar makes all the difference

Proper punctuation and grammar is the difference between “helping your Uncle, Jack, off a horse” and “helping your uncle jack off a horse”.

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The difference between "Let's eat out, Grandma!" and "Let's eat out Grandma!" is a comma. Don't let unnecessary punctuation rob Grandma of a potentially fulfilling sexual experience....

There should be a 3% syntax on jokes like these.

What is a criminal’s favorite punctuation mark?

The period. It marks the end of his sentence.

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Punctuation is so important

I learned that when I helped my uncle Jack off a horse

I started writing a book about punctuation,

but what's the point?

Punctuation is important. Improperly used periods can alter the meaning of the entire sentence.

For example:

Teresa was on her trampoline, moving up and down in utter bliss.

Teresa was on her period, moving up and down in utter bliss.

I was a surgeon with bad punctuation

I got fired for leaving out a colon

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Punctuation

A woman was out shopping and her son was with her. They boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, " Momma, look at the bowlegged man." Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, th...

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I'm giving up masturbating for an entire month.

Sorry, bad punctuation.

I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.

Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes

"Let's eat punctuation"

A blond sits for a medical school entrance exam.

Needless to say, he failed.

These are his answers:

Antibody - against everyone

Artery - the study of painting

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria

Caesarean section - a district in Rome

Cat scan - searching for a lost kitty

Chronic - neck of a crow
...

me getting out of time machine I did it

Her did what

me I killed the guy who invented punctuation marks

Punctuation is very important...

There's a Maypole dancer.

Theresa May, pole dancer.

Little Johnny was learning about punctuation

The teacher was explaining all of the different punctuation marks.

She listed the comma, question mark and when she got to period; Little Johnny raised his hand.

He asked: Why are periods so important?

The teacher responded: Well, they are a fundamental part of the written langu...

punctuality and punctuation are equally important...

i don't want to hear any excuses about your period being late.

My favorite kind of joke is one that uses proper punctuation

Period

Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “what’s the WiFi password?”

The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first.”

So the guy buys a beer, and asks again, “what’s the WiFi password?”

The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first, all lowercase, no spaces or punctuation.”

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Passwords

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." ...

In the World of Punctuation, Asterisks give a party...

In the World of Punctuation, Asterisks give a party.
The party is for Asterisks only, and only Asterisks can enter.
At some time the doorbell rings. One Asterisk opens the door and sees a Dot.
The Asterisk says to the Dot:
"I'm sorry, you cannot enter, this party is for Asterisks only"...

Punctuation is everything: "Will you marry me" is a marriage proposal

"Will, You, Mary, Me" = a Foursome Inquiry

I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.

I expect a long sentence.

Why did Punctuation ruin Santa's marriage?

Because a comma seperates two clauses

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The asterisk was invented by someone seeing a cat's butt and thinking that it would make a great punctuation mark.

It was almost a catastrophe.

Why do words, phrases and punctuation keep ending up in court?

To be sentenced

Punctuation is important when answering questions.

If a woman asks you what sort of picture you want her to send you...

"Naked, baby" sounds a lot better than "Naked baby".

Even though words, punctuations and phrases haven't done anything wrong....

they still get sentenced.

What do you call a punctuation mark that's got a girlfriend?

..accommodating.

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So... Dave the Panda walk into a chinese restaurant...

The dude at the door looks at the panda and asks "Table for one?"

The panda looks around, and noticing that he is alone, and thinking he's a comedian, he says "unless you're joining me, yes. Table for one please."

He gets seated and the waiter asks what he wants.

Dave the panda ...

Why did the punctuation mark have such an easy time going out with other punctuation marks?

It was a comma dating.

What's the proper punctuation for a negative pregnancy test?

A period.

My mom always said I was like a punctuation mark

I am an exclamation mark when I should have just been a period.

I recently won a punctuation competition.

My prize was an apos-*trophy*.

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"Can we have 'Punctuation Sex' tonight?" I asked the wife.

"What do you mean, 'Punctuation Sex?" she
queried.
"It's where I put my semi in your colon ..."

Important Punctuation

So little Timmy is at school and for show and tell, he drew a dot on the board.

The teacher asks him, what's that?

Timmy then replies, it's a period!

Teacher, what's so special about it that you brought it in for show and tell?

Timmy, I don't know, but this morning, my s...

Seven Bar Jokes Involving Grammar and Punctuation

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/seven-bar-jokes-involving-grammar-and-punctuation

A patient wakes up in recovery after his operation...

The doctor places his hand on the man's shoulder and tells him, "I have some good news and I have some bad news".

The man asks the doctor for the bad news first.

"I am afraid we have had to amputate both your legs.." says the doctor

The man is naturally upset and shocked at the ...

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Choosing a new password: potato

Choosing a new password: potato

\-Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

\-Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

\-Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

\-Sorry...

I love eating babies and smiling

but I hate punctuation

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What do men do after orgasm?

1% Do it again
1% Go Smoking
1% Fall Asleep
97% Clear History

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An incredibly wealthy genius loves riddles.

Bored with being smarter than anyone he meets the man decides to offer his fortune to anyone who is able to stump him with a question or riddle. Thousands of people come to try and trick the man and without effort he answers every riddle and piece of trivia he is challenged with.
Finally an old...

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Something elsewhere on reddit reminded me of this old joke. - - - Four nuns are tragically killed in a car accident.

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates they find Saint Peter awaiting them.

He greets them politely saying, “My dear sisters in Christ, before I can allow anyone to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, I must ask each a question.”

Continuing, as he smiles down at them, “I must emphasize, being tru...

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Einstein vs an Indian

Disclaimer: **No Offence!**

Einstein & an Indian are sitting next to each other on a long flight...

Einstein says: "Let's play a game...I will ask you a question, if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5 and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500..."

Einstei...

A man once told his wife that he believed that the world was flat

And she asked why, to which he replied “Honey, you *are* my world.”

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