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Too bad punctuations couldnโ€™t fight each other. Imagine a match between โ€œ.โ€ and โ€œ:โ€

Iโ€™d pay to see that bloody shit.

The punctuation panda

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual an...

What's a prisoner's favourite piece of punctuation?

Periods, exclamation marks, or question marks - whichever one ends the sentence quicker.

Teacher: What's the most important punctuation mark?

Little Johnny: The period?

Teacher: Correct. Can you tell me why?

Little Johnny: I'm not sure, but when my sister missed hers, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack , and the next door neighbor shot himself.

I was a surgeon with bad punctuation

I got fired for leaving out a colon

Iโ€™m giving up drinking, for a month.

*(oops, incorrect punctuation)*

Iโ€™m giving up. Drinking for a month.

I stole the punctuation keys from a Judge's keyboard yesterday.

I'm expecting a long sentence.

Punctuation matters!

Behold, the difference a single comma makes!

Phrase 1. Sans-comma - "Let's eat grandma."

Phrase 2. With comma - "Let's eat, grandma."

See the difference? : o )

Celebrate, it's national punctuation day! Let's eat, Grandma

Let's eat Grandma.

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Punctuation is so important

I learned that when I helped my uncle Jack off a horse

I started writing a book about punctuation,

but what's the point?

I really hate using punctuations....

Full stop.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

The difference between "Let's eat out, Grandma!" and "Let's eat out Grandma!" is a comma. Don't let unnecessary punctuation rob Grandma of a potentially fulfilling sexual experience....

There should be a 3% syntax on jokes like these.

Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes

"Let's eat punctuation"

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Punctuation

A woman was out shopping and her son was with her. They boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, " Momma, look at the bowlegged man." Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, th...

Little Johnny was learning about punctuation

The teacher was explaining all of the different punctuation marks.

She listed the comma, question mark and when she got to period; Little Johnny raised his hand.

He asked: Why are periods so important?

The teacher responded: Well, they are a fundamental part of the written langu...

Punctuation is important. Improperly used periods can alter the meaning of the entire sentence.

For example:

Teresa was on her trampoline, moving up and down in utter bliss.

Teresa was on her period, moving up and down in utter bliss.

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. See his answers:

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work...

Punctuation is very important...

There's a Maypole dancer.

Theresa May, pole dancer.

punctuality and punctuation are equally important...

i don't want to hear any excuses about your period being late.

why is a prisoners favorite punctuation point a period

Cause it marks the end of a sentence.

Punctuation is everything: "Will you marry me" is a marriage proposal

"Will, You, Mary, Me" = a Foursome Inquiry

Passwords NSFW

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Choose a new password

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

My favorite kind of joke is one that uses proper punctuation

Period

What punctuation are you most likely to get the grammar wrong for?

asteRISk

In the World of Punctuation, Asterisks give a party...

In the World of Punctuation, Asterisks give a party.
The party is for Asterisks only, and only Asterisks can enter.
At some time the doorbell rings. One Asterisk opens the door and sees a Dot.
The Asterisk says to the Dot:
"I'm sorry, you cannot enter, this party is for Asterisks only"...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I'm giving up masturbating for an entire month.

Sorry, bad punctuation.

I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.

I'm giving up drinking till christmas

Bad punctuation, can't edit title

I'm giving up. Drinking till Christmas.

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The asterisk was invented by someone seeing a cat's butt and thinking that it would make a great punctuation mark.

It was almost a catastrophe.

What do you call a punctuation mark that's got a girlfriend?

..accommodating.

Why did Punctuation ruin Santa's marriage?

Because a comma seperates two clauses

Why do words, phrases and punctuation keep ending up in court?

To be sentenced

Punctuation is important when answering questions.

If a woman asks you what sort of picture you want her to send you...

"Naked, baby" sounds a lot better than "Naked baby".

My mom always said I was like a punctuation mark

I am an exclamation mark when I should have just been a period.

What's the proper punctuation for a negative pregnancy test?

A period.

Why did the punctuation mark have such an easy time going out with other punctuation marks?

It was a comma dating.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

"Can we have 'Punctuation Sex' tonight?" I asked the wife.

"What do you mean, 'Punctuation Sex?" she
queried.
"It's where I put my semi in your colon ..."

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Punctuation!

A panda escapes the zoo and hooks up with some chick at a bar. They start out with 69. He's eating this chick's pussy, but the blow job is so good he cums. Then he just gets up and starts to head out the door. Chick says, "Hey, where you going?" Panda says, "I'm a panda, look it up." So she gets ...

I recently won a punctuation competition.

My prize was an apos-*trophy*.

Step 1) Get a job selling punctuation marks.

Step 2) ??????

Step 3) Profit.

Important Punctuation

So little Timmy is at school and for show and tell, he drew a dot on the board.

The teacher asks him, what's that?

Timmy then replies, it's a period!

Teacher, what's so special about it that you brought it in for show and tell?

Timmy, I don't know, but this morning, my s...

Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, โ€œwhatโ€™s the WiFi password?โ€

The bartender replies, โ€œyou need to buy a beer first.โ€

So the guy buys a beer, and asks again, โ€œwhatโ€™s the WiFi password?โ€

The bartender replies, โ€œyou need to buy a beer first, all lowercase, no spaces or punctuation.โ€

I love eating babies and smiling

but I hate punctuation

me getting out of time machine I did it

Her did what

me I killed the guy who invented punctuation marks

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

What do men do after orgasm?

1% Do it again
1% Go Smoking
1% Fall Asleep
97% Clear History

A patient wakes up in recovery after his operation...

The doctor places his hand on the man's shoulder and tells him, "I have some good news and I have some bad news".

The man asks the doctor for the bad news first.

"I am afraid we have had to amputate both your legs.." says the doctor

The man is naturally upset and shocked at the ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

An incredibly wealthy genius loves riddles.

Bored with being smarter than anyone he meets the man decides to offer his fortune to anyone who is able to stump him with a question or riddle. Thousands of people come to try and trick the man and without effort he answers every riddle and piece of trivia he is challenged with.
Finally an old...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Einstein vs an Indian

Disclaimer: **No Offence!**

Einstein & an Indian are sitting next to each other on a long flight...

Einstein says: "Let's play a game...I will ask you a question, if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5 and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500..."

Einstei...

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