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Punctuation Jokes

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Punctuation Matters!

I was walking past a farm and a sign said:

"Duck, Eggs"

I thought: That's an unnecessary comma - and then it hit me."

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Choose a new password :

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

Teacher: What's the most important punctuation mark?

Little Johnny: The period?

Teacher: Correct. Can you tell me why?

Little Johnny: I'm not sure, but when my sister missed hers, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack , and the next door neighbor shot himself.

Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes

"Let's eat punctuation"

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I'm giving up masturbating for an entire month.

Sorry, bad punctuation.

I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.

A young punctuation couple, Mr. Apostrophe and Mrs. Comma…

A young punctuation couple, Mr. Apostrophe and Mrs. Comma, wanted to have a child, but sadly, could not. So, they decided to adopt a little Period and named him Edward. They loved Edward very much and he grew to be a fine young punctuation mark. However, Edward knew he was different, as he didn't...

What do you call it when a physician corrects your punctuation?

A medically induced comma.

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Punctuation

A woman was out shopping and her son was with her. They boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, " Momma, look at the bowlegged man." Mom was mortified and told her son that it was not polite to point to a person and make that sort of comment. For punishment, th...

I’m giving up drinking, for a month.

*(oops, incorrect punctuation)*

I’m giving up. Drinking for a month.

The punctuation panda

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual an...

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Punctuation is so important

I learned that when I helped my uncle Jack off a horse

Little Johnny was learning about punctuation

The teacher was explaining all of the different punctuation marks.

She listed the comma, question mark and when she got to period; Little Johnny raised his hand.

He asked: Why are periods so important?

The teacher responded: Well, they are a fundamental part of the written langu...

Punctuation really can change the meaning of a sentence…for example…

I ate my friend’s lunch.
I ate my friend’s colon.

I started writing a book about punctuation,

but what's the point?

Punctuation is everything: "Will you marry me" is a marriage proposal

"Will, You, Mary, Me" = a Foursome Inquiry

I was a surgeon with bad punctuation

I got fired for leaving out a colon

What's Count Dracula's favorite punctuation?

A period.

Whats a prisoners favorite punctuation mark?

Period.

Because it marks the end of a sentence.

Punctuation saves lives.

For example, there is a big difference in:

Let’s eat Grandma!

and

Let’s eat punctuation!

What's a prisoner's favourite piece of punctuation?

Periods, exclamation marks, or question marks - whichever one ends the sentence quicker.

Punctuation is very important...

There's a Maypole dancer.

Theresa May, pole dancer.

It’s amazing how a little punctuation can change the meaning of a whole sentence…

Will you marry me?
Will, you marry me.
Will, you, marry, me.

I really hate using punctuations....

Full stop.

I love eating babies and smiling

but I hate punctuation

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Punctuation!

A panda escapes the zoo and hooks up with some chick at a bar. They start out with 69. He's eating this chick's pussy, but the blow job is so good he cums. Then he just gets up and starts to head out the door. Chick says, "Hey, where you going?" Panda says, "I'm a panda, look it up." So she gets ...

Why did the punctuation mark have such an easy time going out with other punctuation marks?

It was a comma dating.

I recently won a punctuation competition.

My prize was an apos-*trophy*.

my three favourite things are

eating my children and not using punctuation

Celebrate, it's national punctuation day! Let's eat, Grandma

Let's eat Grandma.

punctuality and punctuation are equally important...

i don't want to hear any excuses about your period being late.

In the World of Punctuation, Asterisks give a party...

In the World of Punctuation, Asterisks give a party.
The party is for Asterisks only, and only Asterisks can enter.
At some time the doorbell rings. One Asterisk opens the door and sees a Dot.
The Asterisk says to the Dot:
"I'm sorry, you cannot enter, this party is for Asterisks only"...

A panda walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Would you like anything to drink?"

The panda replies, "No thanks, I'm only here to eat."

"So what would you like to eat?"

"I'll just take the fries."

The bartender serves the panda, who enjoys the meal. He asks, "Now, will your payment be cash or card...

Punctuation is important when answering questions.

If a woman asks you what sort of picture you want her to send you...

"Naked, baby" sounds a lot better than "Naked baby".

Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “what’s the WiFi password?”

The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first.”

So the guy buys a beer, and asks again, “what’s the WiFi password?”

The bartender replies, “you need to buy a beer first, all lowercase, no spaces or punctuation.”

What do you call a punctuation mark that's got a girlfriend?

..accommodating.

Punctuation is important. Improperly used periods can alter the meaning of the entire sentence.

For example:

Teresa was on her trampoline, moving up and down in utter bliss.

Teresa was on her period, moving up and down in utter bliss.

I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.

I expect a long sentence.

Why did Punctuation ruin Santa's marriage?

Because a comma seperates two clauses

Important Punctuation

So little Timmy is at school and for show and tell, he drew a dot on the board.

The teacher asks him, what's that?

Timmy then replies, it's a period!

Teacher, what's so special about it that you brought it in for show and tell?

Timmy, I don't know, but this morning, my s...

My favorite kind of joke is one that uses proper punctuation

Period

My landlord doubled my rent. I’m going to give up drinking for a month.

Sorry I missed punctuation there.

I’m going to give up, drinking for a month.

What do dads never forget to include in their "dad" jokes?

PUNctuation






Okay, I'll leave.

A patient wakes up in recovery after his operation...

The doctor places his hand on the man's shoulder and tells him, "I have some good news and I have some bad news".

The man asks the doctor for the bad news first.

"I am afraid we have had to amputate both your legs.." says the doctor

The man is naturally upset and shocked at the ...

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Too bad punctuations couldn’t fight each other. Imagine a match between “.” and “:”

I’d pay to see that bloody shit.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "...

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Pity Poor Peter

I feel sorry for my friend Peter.

His hair’s a mess.

His family’s nuts.

His neighbor’s an asshole.

On bad days, his girlfriend's a c---.

And his owner beats him.

Help Wanted

There's a dog walking down the street and he sees a sign in a shop window that says:

"HELP WANTED"

"Must be able to type 60 words per minute."

"Must be computer literate."

"Must be bilingual."

"An equal opportunity employer."

So, the dog goes inside and asks...

A man once told his wife that he believed that the world was flat

And she asked why, to which he replied “Honey, you *are* my world.”

Now that we know how capitalization change a sentence's meaning, see what's a comma can do

"I'm back."

"Welcome back."

______

"I'm back."

"Welcome, back."

Now that's what I call a PUNctuation joke.

The secret to a good joke

What's the secret to a good joke punctuation

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Einstein vs an Indian

Disclaimer: **No Offence!**

Einstein & an Indian are sitting next to each other on a long flight...

Einstein says: "Let's play a game...I will ask you a question, if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5 and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500..."

Einstei...

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Some asshole has got my pen

is what the nurse said when she noticed she had a rectal thermometer in her pocket.

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sex positions for grammar nazis

There was once a book written in ancient India about sexual positions using punctuation marks.



It was called the comma sutra.

English is a tough language...

It's known for beating up other languages in dark alleys for little more than spare grammar and loose vocabulary.

Two nuns in a bath...

The first nun asks the other "Where's the soap?"

The other replies "It does, doesn't it?"

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. See his answers:

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work...

Dear Fork,

I understand that we haven't spoken since I ran away with Dish. But, I thought you should know you have a son. His name is Spork. He has your hair.
- Sincerely,
Spoon.

Here's my review of EA

Sorry EA but if you want the review it'll be $5.99 for each letter and $7.99 for each punctuation and comma

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Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

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