Stephen Hawkings' last paper on space is finally going to published posthumously...

It's about time too.

Dickens " A tale of two cities " was originally published in two local newspapers.

It was the Bicester times, it was the Worcester times...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. "What are you celebrating?" the bartender asks. "I just got my first novel published," the guy announces. "It's a thriller about a flock of 2,000 mockingbirds." "What's it called?" "2 kilomockingbirds," the guy replies.

Albert Einstein once published a paper about why he married his second wife.

I call it: The Theory of Relativity.

Breaking news! A group of ornithologists have recently published a study concerning the primary cause of death among Swallows:

Apparently, they don’t chew their food.

I've published a book on propaganda.

You won't find a better one for the price.

Chinese doctors published their findings on the corona outbreak...

It’s gone viral

I finally published my book on Mediterranean herbs

It's about thyme

Einstein: Dad, my paper on the Theory of Relativity finally got published!!

Einstein’s Dad: Damn son, it’s about time!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv...

... reading newspapers. One is reading a reputed newspaper published in Tel Aviv, but the other is reading an anti-Semitic propaganda paper published by Iranian subverts.

The first guy asks the second: "why in God's name are you reading that anti-Semitic rag?"

The second guy responded...

These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___...

After years of waiting, they finally published a book on how clocks work.

It's about time.

IT security experts have published a list of the 20 most secure passwords.

Reportedly, the first companies are already enforcing their use.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published.

It was all in vein.

I'm getting ny first book published

I'm an ex stunt man getting my first book published about the best way to fall down stairs

It's a step-by-step guide

I can’t believe it has been more than a hundred years since Einstein published his Theory of Relativity.

It seems like only yesterday.

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.

The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. It concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. The...

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A Russian Jew goes into a coffee shop after the fall of the Soviet Union

“Excuse me, waiter, please bring me the most recent edition of Pravda” he asks.

The waiter replies “I’m sorry sir, but the Soviet Union has fallen and Pravda is no longer published”

“Very well, please bring me a coffee then”.

The next day, the Jew comes in again, and again ask...

Mark Zuckerberg published “a privacy-focused vision” for Facebook today.

Oh wait, it’s not April 1.

A newly published novelist wrote in her blog that her 100,000-word thriller got her $1,000,000 from her publisher.

She brags at a party that her words are worth $10 each. A slightly drunk guy walks up, confronts her by the bar, plots down $10 and says “OK, wise ass, give me one of those $10 words.” The writer calmly stuffs the bill in her pocket and says “thanks” and walks away.

I just published my first book about poltergeists...

...and the store told me they're flying off the shelves.

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Breaking News: Louis C.K. makes first published statement regarding the recent alligations of sexual misconduct.

"I'm Gay."

New York City just published its annual index of the death rates caused by plunging from balconies

Sadly, they're still falling

During the revolutionary war, a foreign scientist published a paper discussing the environmental effects of the boston tea party.

Unfortunately the scientist did not understand the number system used by the americas at the time and tried to wing it.

People to this day talk about the base 10 massacre.

David Hume's 'Dialogues Concerning Natural Religion' was published after his death, or in other words...

it was published posthumeously.

The British anthropologist enjoyed rare tribesmen.

But after seeing his article published in the prestigious Journal of Anthropological Research, he kept the poor man on the coals a little longer, thinking, "Well done, old chap."

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An old Justin Wilson joke

An old, crotchety farmer woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. The man clutched his chest and fumbled for the telephone to call an ambulance, fearing that he was having a heart attack.

Upon arriving at the hospital, the man, stable but still in quite a bit of pain, was greeted ...

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The bish and the donkey.

A rural pastor had trouble getting hold of enough money for church roof repairs. So the parish comes up with the idea to pool their money and buy a race horse. The collection is done, and when the pastor goes shopping, he only has enough for a donkey. Nonetheless he buys the donkey and enters it int...

Dirty Limerick Competition

Every year in this small village there used to be a dirty limerick competition and the same guy used to win competition every year. Last year he sent in his most disgusting flithy limerick ever and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the limericks were never published, the editor could...

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..

..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 fe...

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says,...

Have you read the book Fifty Yards to the Outhouse by...

Willie Makit,published by Betty Don't,and illustrated by Doris Lock?

An inspector visits a school in England one day....

One day, an inspector visited a school and asked the teachers how things were going.

He entered a class where an English lesson was in session.

"Very well, looks good", the inspector said. "Teaching's of a high standard, classroom looks good, things seem to be going well."

He th...

Professional taster

In a winery in Napa Valley, California, a new wine tester has just died. The president of the company worriedly published the newspaper, looking for a replacement. A mysterious drunk, ragged clothes came to apply for a job. The employer wanted to kick him drunk and go away but still wanted to test ...

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I entered ten puns into a pun contest

I was hoping at least one would win, and in fact seven did. The prize was that they would be published in the local paper.

A week after they were published, I was contacted by a huge publisher that said they liked my puns so much that they offered to pay me an advance to write a book of puns!...

We all can do better to help save the planet

With this in mind, i’ve just published a book on preserving the rainforest, and what we can do as a human race to help protect it.

Its over 2000 pages long.

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Why God never got a PhD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
t...

Foot Heads Arms Body

The army was deciding on how much weaponry should be provided to each unit and each soldier. For this, they set up a committee and the veteran General Samuel Foot was chosen to be the head of it.

The newspapers got wind of this and published it on the front page.
The headline was "Foot He...

Pravda

In 1996, after Pravda ceased publication, a Russian man goes to a newspaper vendor.

Man: Give me a copy of Pravda, please.

Vendor: I'm sorry. Pravda has shut down. It's no longer available.

The man nods and leaves. A few minutes later he returns.

Man: I want to buy a copy...

Unreceived Mail

A man was pleased to see that the local newspaper was once again hosting it's annual joke contest. Readers from all around the local area would send in jokes, with the top 5 published.

The rules of the competition were simple, all jokes had to be original and had to be written by the sender.<...

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