In 1905 Albert Einstein published his theory about space.

And it was about time.

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After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

I'm getting ny first book published

I'm an ex stunt man getting my first book published about the best way to fall down stairs

It's a step-by-step guide

Mark Zuckerberg published “a privacy-focused vision” for Facebook today.

Oh wait, it’s not April 1.

A newly published novelist wrote in her blog that her 100,000-word thriller got her $1,000,000 from her publisher.

She brags at a party that her words are worth $10 each. A slightly drunk guy walks up, confronts her by the bar, plots down $10 and says “OK, wise ass, give me one of those $10 words.” The writer calmly stuffs the bill in her pocket and says “thanks” and walks away.

I can’t believe it has been more than a hundred years since Einstein published his Theory of Relativity.

It seems like only yesterday.

Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!

Einstein’s Dad: Damn son, it’s about time.

The New York Times recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

New York City just published its annual index of the death rates caused by plunging from balconies

Sadly, they're still falling

During the revolutionary war, a foreign scientist published a paper discussing the environmental effects of the boston tea party.

Unfortunately the scientist did not understand the number system used by the americas at the time and tried to wing it.

People to this day talk about the base 10 massacre.

I just published my first book about poltergeists...

...and the store told me they're flying off the shelves.

Exchanges recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
...

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Breaking News: Louis C.K. makes first published statement regarding the recent alligations of sexual misconduct.

"I'm Gay."

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(NSFW) They've finally published my self-help book about having sex with herbs

It's about fucking thyme.

David Hume's 'Dialogues Concerning Natural Religion' was published after his death, or in other words...

it was published posthumeously.

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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft...

...The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. T...

I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published.

It was all in vein.

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I entered ten puns into a pun contest

I was hoping at least one would win, and in fact seven did. The prize was that they would be published in the local paper.

A week after they were published, I was contacted by a huge publisher that said they liked my puns so much that they offered to pay me an advance to write a book of puns!...

Foot Heads Arms Body

The army was deciding on how much weaponry should be provided to each unit and each soldier. For this, they set up a committee and the veteran General Samuel Foot was chosen to be the head of it.

The newspapers got wind of this and published it on the front page.
The headline was "Foot He...

We all can do better to help save the planet

With this in mind, i’ve just published a book on preserving the rainforest, and what we can do as a human race to help protect it.

Its over 2000 pages long.

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Jack the Ripper - Found?

After years of research, an investigative team finally solved the riddle of the identity of Jack the Ripper.

There were many theories, usually involving someone famous, but the reality is that Jack the Ripper was just an ordinary guy of no other importance other than his hideous crimes. It wa...

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..

..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 fe...

French archaeologists found ancient copper cables under Paris...

They came to the conclusion that the French had telecommunications way back in the Copper age. Infuriated by this, the British published a paper saying they found Bronze cables under London and came to the conclusion that they had telecommunication technology way before the French.

After hear...

Pravda

In 1996, after Pravda ceased publication, a Russian man goes to a newspaper vendor.

Man: Give me a copy of Pravda, please.

Vendor: I'm sorry. Pravda has shut down. It's no longer available.

The man nods and leaves. A few minutes later he returns.

Man: I want to buy a copy...

Did you know Hitler tried to get into carpentry?

He even published a book, “Mein Kampfy Chair”

Apparently it never took off because he had a thing against screws.

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An amateur band was recording a new album in the studio...

...and decided to record a cover of another less known artist, a judge who mostly played small private events like weddings.

The album became a huge hit, and sales went through the roof. However, the judge also happened to come across the album after its release. The judge contacted their man...

Arthur getting his weekly shopping

Arthur was an elderly man, he lived in a small coastal town in Scotland called Montrose. Generally he was a quiet and well respected member of the community. That was before the incident.

It happened back in the late 90s. Arthur had been at Tesco, the local supermarket, and had just finished...

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The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says,...

Unreceived Mail

A man was pleased to see that the local newspaper was once again hosting it's annual joke contest. Readers from all around the local area would send in jokes, with the top 5 published.

The rules of the competition were simple, all jokes had to be original and had to be written by the sender.<...

A renowned book critic heard about a new author that was rapidly gaining in popularity...

Naturally, he decided that he wanted to meet the author. After hours of searching, he finally located the author and scheduled a meeting. He booked a plane to Spain and arrived at the author's house. The author showed him all the books that he had published. There were books about nature, busines...

Scottish Obituary

A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the Obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The Editor informs her that there is a charge of one dollar per word.
She pauses, reflects, and then she says, "Well then, let it read: 'Fred Brown died.' "
Amused at the Woma...

Why God never got a PhD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
t...

Anyone ever read " thousand miles to the outhouse" by Willie Makeit

Published by Betty Dident.

I feel bad for Anne Frank

She had her diary published for all the world to read, which is every girl's worst nightmare!

And she didn't get paid for it, which is every Jew's worst nightmare.

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A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

"Oh my," said the writer. "Let me see heaven now."

A ...

Did you hear about the octopus who works as a therapist? (nsfw)

He studied at Harvard medical school, graduated top of his class in behavioral psychology, and received his PHD with honours. The octopus has published many papers, and receives referrals from other doctors for patients suffering from depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. He is also highly rega...

I went to a bookstore the other day ...

After wandering around for a while, an employee in a colored apron approached me.

"Can I help you find anything, sir?"

"Oh, yes. Sure. I'm looking for a book about turtles."

"Hardback?" she inquired.

"Yep, and little heads."

---

Retelling of a joke by Mark ...

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The Priest's Ass

A priest in a middle-sized town in the old country was strolling through the marketplace when he saw an especially fine-looking donkey. He decided to buy it for use on the monastery's farm. But he soon found out to his amazement that the donkey could run faster than most horses!

So the priest...

German language is easy.

The German language is relatively easy. Those who can speak Latin and are used to declinations, normally learn it very rapidly. At least that is what German teachers say in their first class. They start learning: der, die, das, des, dem, den and the rest just comes naturally. It’s amazingly easy! If...

Just an old Bible

Jimmy had decided to take a year off before starting college and to hitchhike around Europe with his friend Billy. After several weeks he called his dad to get him to send them more money .


"It's been more expensive than I thought over here Dad", Jimmy told his dad. "We got to Germany and...

A team of particle physicists ran an experiment for the entire year,

and the detector reported exactly fifty two events which they were looking for. They published a research paper called "Weekly interacting particles".

Me and My wife wrote the best articles on how to create a successful marriage

I would have published it but she took half of it in the divorce settlement.

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An original sci-fi joke, very dark

One dystopian day (not too far off from today) Mary spent her lunch hour on "personal business." She found the right office at the courthouse easily. The form started off simple enough, and she filled in her identifying information, then paused at the date. It must be at least two months away....

A man named Walter is running in a race

and he's first. He's miles in front, and he's ran 3/4 of the race so he decides that now would be a good time to take a breather. Whilst he's taking his breather, he starts reflecting on all the races he's ran in. "I love the crowds at the end of races but most of the time, they're awful" he thought...

Have you fantasied about threesome?

A woman asks her friend: have you fantasied about threesome?
Her friend blushes, and reply that yes, she does.
Well, if you hurry home, you might be on time.

*sorry for my English
*translated from a Hebrew newspaper published yesterday.

The Rabbit's Thesis

Story :

Scene: It's a fine, sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.

Fox: "What are you working on?"

Rabbit:"My thesis."

Fox:"Hmm. What is it about?"

Rabbit:"Oh, I'm wri...

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