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The UN recently published the results of a poll. The topic was: "Please truthfully give your opinion on food shortage in the rest of the world."

Results:

Europeans requested explanation of the term "shortage".

Africans asked what "food" is.

Chinese inquired about the term "opinion".

Americans wondered what "rest of the world" might possibly mean.

And in Italy they are still discussing the meaning of the ter...

Last week I submitted a ten page in depth technical description of my groundbreaking invention to a prestigious journal... but it didn't get published.

They said I should just call a spade a spade.

My self-published novel

Isn’t going to publish itself.

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

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Why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft?

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft.
The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more...

They FINALLY published my book on herbs

It's about thyme

At the end of a long day, all the fisherman had caught was one small, red salmon.

He was about to kill it when the salmon shouted, "Wait, I'm much too small!"
"Wow!, a talking salmon", the fisherman exclaimed, "What's your name?
"Rusty," replied the salmon. "Please throw me back into the sea!" The fisherman did so.
About a year later, the man was fishing the same spot wh...

Stephen Hawkings' last paper on space is finally going to published posthumously...

It's about time too.

Dickens " A tale of two cities " was originally published in two local newspapers.

It was the Bicester times, it was the Worcester times...

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

A collaborative study titled "Feed the World" about the awareness of wintertime rituals in developing countries has been published...

by D. Oothey, K. Nowitz, Chris Mas, T. Ime et al.

Did y'all hear about the book Jeffrey Toobin just published?

Nobody has read it. All the pages are stuck together.

Breaking news! A group of ornithologists have recently published a study concerning the primary cause of death among Swallows:

Apparently, they don’t chew their food.

Einstein: Dad, my paper on the Theory of Relativity finally got published!!

Einstein’s Dad: Damn son, it’s about time!

These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___...

Chinese doctors published their findings on the corona outbreak...

It’s gone viral

The Chinese president published a book of quotes like Mao Zedong did.

It's called "That's What Xi Said"

I've published a book on propaganda.

You won't find a better one for the price.

I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published.

It was all in vein.

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German language is easy.

The German language is relatively easy. Those who can speak Latin and are used to declinations, normally learn it very rapidly. At least that is what German teachers say in their first class. They start learning: der, die, das, des, dem, den and the rest just comes naturally. It's amazingly easy! If...

I got my first novel published yesterday

Today you will be the first to reddit

After years of waiting, they finally published a book on how clocks work.

It's about time.

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After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

IT security experts have published a list of the 20 most secure passwords.

Reportedly, the first companies are already enforcing their use.

I just published my first book about poltergeists...

...and the store told me they're flying off the shelves.

I'm getting ny first book published

I'm an ex stunt man getting my first book published about the best way to fall down stairs

It's a step-by-step guide

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Breaking News: Louis C.K. makes first published statement regarding the recent alligations of sexual misconduct.

"I'm Gay."

A newly published novelist wrote in her blog that her 100,000-word thriller got her $1,000,000 from her publisher.

She brags at a party that her words are worth $10 each. A slightly drunk guy walks up, confronts her by the bar, plots down $10 and says “OK, wise ass, give me one of those $10 words.” The writer calmly stuffs the bill in her pocket and says “thanks” and walks away.

I can’t believe it has been more than a hundred years since Einstein published his Theory of Relativity.

It seems like only yesterday.

Mark Zuckerberg published “a privacy-focused vision” for Facebook today.

Oh wait, it’s not April 1.

During the revolutionary war, a foreign scientist published a paper discussing the environmental effects of the boston tea party.

Unfortunately the scientist did not understand the number system used by the americas at the time and tried to wing it.

People to this day talk about the base 10 massacre.

New York City just published its annual index of the death rates caused by plunging from balconies

Sadly, they're still falling

David Hume's 'Dialogues Concerning Natural Religion' was published after his death, or in other words...

it was published posthumeously.

New playboy magazine

Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy?


A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

Did you hear about the dog that writes books?

Probably not, he’s never been published.

He only does ruff drafts.

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A Russian Jew goes into a coffee shop after the fall of the Soviet Union

“Excuse me, waiter, please bring me the most recent edition of Pravda” he asks.

The waiter replies “I’m sorry sir, but the Soviet Union has fallen and Pravda is no longer published”

“Very well, please bring me a coffee then”.

The next day, the Jew comes in again, and again ask...

I just published a satirical critique of the Russian government and Putin hasn't sent anyone to kill me yet.

I'm radiating with joy.

A Native American just published a novel

Critics consider it a Seminole work.

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. "What are you celebrating?" the bartender asks. "I just got my first novel published," the guy announces. "It's a thriller about a flock of 2,000 mockingbirds." "What's it called?" "2 kilomockingbirds," the guy replies.

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Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv...

... reading newspapers. One is reading a reputed newspaper published in Tel Aviv, but the other is reading an anti-Semitic propaganda paper published by Iranian subverts.

The first guy asks the second: "why in God's name are you reading that anti-Semitic rag?"

The second guy responded...

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..

..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 fe...

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The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says,...

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The bish and the donkey.

A rural pastor had trouble getting hold of enough money for church roof repairs. So the parish comes up with the idea to pool their money and buy a race horse. The collection is done, and when the pastor goes shopping, he only has enough for a donkey. Nonetheless he buys the donkey and enters it int...

The British anthropologist enjoyed rare tribesmen.

But after seeing his article published in the prestigious Journal of Anthropological Research, he kept the poor man on the coals a little longer, thinking, "Well done, old chap."

Dirty Limerick Competition

Every year in this small village there used to be a dirty limerick competition and the same guy used to win competition every year. Last year he sent in his most disgusting flithy limerick ever and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the limericks were never published, the editor could...

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An old Justin Wilson joke

An old, crotchety farmer woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. The man clutched his chest and fumbled for the telephone to call an ambulance, fearing that he was having a heart attack.

Upon arriving at the hospital, the man, stable but still in quite a bit of pain, was greeted ...

Smith was a man of cold facts, a scientist, a computer jock, and a confirmed atheist.

He became somewhat obsessed with the desire to prove the truth as he saw it. So he mortgaged his house and sold his car in order to put a down payment on the most powerful computer commercially available. Then Smith plugged it into every data bank in the world, accessed every library in the United S...

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

Have you read the book Fifty Yards to the Outhouse by...

Willie Makit,published by Betty Don't,and illustrated by Doris Lock?

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