My neighbor got busted for growing weed...

Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought

Growing up, my teacher wouldn't let me bring my MP3 to school

So I brought my MP5 instead

When the bass player from the red hot chili peppers was growing up...

he only saw his father at Christmas time, because his work digging the railways of Mexico kept him away from home most of the year. To deal with missing his father he wrote a song about him which his father loved and used to play to his fellow workers when he returned to Mexico. As a result the song...

Which country’s capital is the fastest growing?

Answer: Ireland’s.

Every year it’s Dublin.

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday; he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge mea...

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As a zoomer growing up in this generation. I'm so fucked

And I'll still die a virgin

I was my parents' least favorite child growing up.

I could tell, because I was the only one who didn't get molested.
@ErikJMoyer

Man goes to the doctor with some lettuce growing out of his nose.

Doctor says "is it painful?"

"Painful? That's just the tip of the iceberg."

When Amy Schumer was growing up, everybody laughed when she said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody is laughing now

While growing up, Thor was always grandstanding and making a scene.

But his brother remained low key.

I went to the doctors as I had a strawberry growing out of my ear.

He put some cream on it.

Our family was so poor when I was growing up

If I hadn’t been a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with

With the growing popularity of pigme and dwarf goats being kept as pets, I decided to start a new business. It's already proving hugely popular, theres a massive crowd eager to get in.

'I GROOM KIDS!', is my best idea yet.

Growing up my mom sacrificed at lot for me..

It was mostly goats and sheep....

When i was growing up, we weren't allowed to read the book "Ivanhoe" in catholic schools

Apparently there was too much saxon violence

Did you hear about the foreign government growing potatoes in their foreskin?

Bunch of dictators.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We had the ‘swear jar’ in our home when I was growing up.

When I pissed off my mother, she would throw $20 in the jar and then beat the shit out of me.

When Obi-Wan retired, he bought an island, he got married, he built a house, and most importantly, he started growing cannabis.

He now had a high ground.

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech o...

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(NSFW) Growing up I was told that masturbation couldn't give diseases

But I guess that's not true because my computer shut down from viruses.

Growing up, the family next door were all giants.

I always looked up to them, but for some reason they always looked down on us.

Name one truth you've learnt after growing up

Grown ups are good at lying

Three elderly women were discussing the problems of growing old.

One said: "Sometimes I find myself in front of the refrigerator with a jar of mayonnaise and I can't remember if I'm putting it away or making a sandwich."
Another said: "And I can trip on the stairs and not remember if I was walking up or down."
"Oh well I don't have those sort of problems, t...

Girl: Look mommy, my (you know what) is growing hair!

Mom: That's okay, it's natural that we grow hair on our monkeys!
Girl: Look sister, I'm growing hair on my monkey!
Sister: That's nothing, my monkeys already eating bananas!

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A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.

As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a v...

When I was growing up I was told to open doors for women

But when I did she screamed and flew out of the airplane.

My parents never let me listen to classical or jazz music growing up.

Too much sax and violins.

A little Catholic boy and a little Protestant girl, both about four years old, were growing up in Northern Ireland...

Even though Catholics and Protestants didn’t generally get along with one another, the two played together often, not understanding why their families said they shouldn’t be friends.

On one particularly hot day, the two were playing when the little girl said, “‘Tis terribly hot today. We sho...

An attractive woman loved growing tomatoes...

but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "We...

Why did the farmer start growing wheat?

Because he was tired of Hall and Oats.

(Joke from brother while watching Stranger Things and hearing 80s music hits.)

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I had a treehouse in my backyard growing up, and I even lost my virginity in it.

Sadly it burned down when I was 10

I was unsure about growing my first beard

Then one day I looked into the mirror...It grew on me

I started growing some fungi in my garden, but it failed miserably.

I guess there is mushroom for improvement

My wife's most recent obsession is growing melons, and she makes me help her in the garden.

It's always "honey do this" and "honey do that"

When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject...

*These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow!!!*

A DEA agent drives out to a farm to investigate rumours they are growing marijuana.

He approaches the farmer and shows him his warrant explaining that he will be searching the property.

Farmer: Okay, do what you gotta do. Just don't cross that fence over there.

Agent: See this warrant? It says i go where I want to. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

Farmer: Do what you got...

A bit concerned...

The boss wondered why an employee was absent but had not phoned in sick. Needing to have an urgent problem resolved, he dialed the employee's phone and was greeted with a child's whisper. *"Hello?"*

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

*"Yes,"* whispered the small voice.

May I talk w...

Growing up I was told I can be anyone I want to be

I've just been charged with identity theft.

European commission

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and ha...

Growing up, my teachers told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything in life.

Being homeschooled sucks.

I got a new haircut recently

It's growing on me.

I thought my haircut looked bad

But it’s growing on me

My car broke down the other day and I tried to remember everything my dad taught me growing up

all I knew was “point the flashlight there”.

I was homeschooled growing up but I don't like to tell people that.

What I do like to tell people is that I had a teacher in high school that used to let me put her nipples in my mouth.

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.



“Who?” the son asks.



“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

When I was growing up my parents treated me like a flower...

Self raising

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

The worst part about growing up in the south

was asking my parents for their blessing to marry their daughter

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