Growing Jokes - 67 Hilarious Growing Jokes

Which country has the fastest growing capitol?

Ireland. It's Dublin every year.

When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag

Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

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A man with a penis growing on his forehead visits the doctor, worried.

"Doctor, I have a penis growing on my forehead!"

The doctor examines the situation, sits the man down and asks, "Have you been to South America?"

"South America? No, not at all!"

The doctor responds, "You should go, they have stunning beaches and beautiful girls there.” Then ask...

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

My girlfriend shouted at me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up!" Eyes growing wide, I replied...

"Great idea! We can cover more ground that way!"

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

“Who?” the son asks.

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

What's the first way to know when you're growing old?

It's your birthday and the only ones who wish you happy birthday are your doctors.

(Not so much a joke. It's my birthday and guess who wished me happy birthday so far.)

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'

He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'

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A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes.

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

...

Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god...

...so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.

When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject...

These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.

When did humans first start growing weed?

During the Stoned Age

The population of Ireland's capital is growing exponentially

every year it's Dublin (doubling)

awkward situation growing up

when he was 15 years old, his friend gave him condoms, just as a prank but he put the condoms aside, because he was only 15.

him and his friends were learning karate from a friend Mike, Mike was a black belt in Karate the rest of them learning from him were beginner yellow belts.

his ...

We were so poor growing up my Dad used to sing...

Hush little baby don't say a word
Daddy's going to steal you a mockingbird...

I went to an agricultural university and I specialized in growing beans.

Someday, I hope to start a wind farm.

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There's some beautiful flowers growing on my mother-in-law's grave.

Hardly surprising though, I've been going up twice a week to shit on it.

A birch tree and a beech tree notice a small tree growing between them.

Birch tree says "Do you think it's a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"

Beech tree responds "I don't know, it's hard to tell from up here"

Suddenly a woodpecker flies by, so the birch tree asks him "Can you go down there and see if that's a son of a birch or a son of a beech?"
...

Dwarfism is a growing problem.

And with the cost of living going up at the moment, they're really struggling to put food on the table.

Dear, dad. I’ve decided to leave with Stacy to grow marijuana...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

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A little girl asks her Mom about the hair she is growing between her legs

The mom calmly replies , " The part where you are growing hair is called a monkey . Be proud that your monkey is growing hair"

This makes the little girl happy and she goes to her big sister and says , "My Monkey is growing hair."

This sister laughs and replies , " That is nothing ,...

Growing herbs can be very profitable

After all, thyme is money

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When I was growing up...

...all my friends wanted to have sex with anything that moved.

“Why limit yourself?” I told them.

Growing up, this so-called Mandela Effect didn't exist.

Or at least, that's how I remember it.

There's some green stuff growing on my roof...

Not sure what it is but I'd lichen it to moss

Snakes are the fastest growing animals, said a kid to his father.

The father: how did you know ?

The kid: my old brother killed a 40-inch-long snake, and everytime he tells the story the snake's length increases by 20 inches.

Growing up really humbles you.

I always dreamed of a big fancy sports car but now I'm okay with whichever runs me over.

Two trees in the forest one day noticed a seedling that was growing between them.

But the trees were so tall, they couldn’t tell what kind tree it was.

One day a kindly beaver came by, and the two trees asked the beaver if he could tell them what kind of tree was growing between them.

The beaver started nibbling at the seedling and said, “That’s no son of a beech.” ...

When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, "The sky is the limit"

He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.

Growing up we were so poor...

Growing up we were so poor my brother and I had to share clothes.

And kids are so mean, at school they used to make fun of me ... especially when it wasn't my turn to wear the pants and underwear

Still growing?

"Daddy, Daddy, are you still growing?"

"Why do you ask, son?"

"Because the top of your head is coming through your hair."

Obama smoked weed growing up and look where he is today

Unemployed, with two kids and recently evicted

When I was growing up, we didn't have all this body positivity nonsense.

We were ashamed of our bodies, the way God intended.

A farmer succeeds in growing a field of vibrators..

He now has a problem with squatters

When I was growing up, we were so poor...

We used to leave the front door open all night, hoping a thief would come in and drop something.

We were so poor growing up

that for breakfast we had Ordinary K.

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A man walks into the doctor because he has a lump growing out of his forehead

The doctor says I’ve got some bad news for you. The man says, “please tell me it’s not cancer!”. The doctor says, “No it’s not cancer, you have a penis growing out of your forehead. The man says, “Oh I’m glad it’s not cancer. So now I’m going to have to wake up everyday and see a penis on my forehea...

What was Rob Halfords favorite chore growing up?

Raking the lawn, Raking the lawn!

What's the difference between growing up and becoming a parent?

Growing up is realizing alcohol is not neccessary to have a good time.

Becoming a parent is realizing having a good time is not neccessary for needing alcohol.

Growing up I was so poor….

…if i hadn’t been a boy, I would have had nothing to play with.

Growing Up

My son, Bob, was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again until the February break.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now ...

My dads best piece of advice growing up was "you only get one chance to make a good first impression"

I've always gone with Schwarzenegger, it's recognisable and its always a crowd pleaser

A farmer wanted to start growing mushrooms

But he didn't have any spores or enough space to grow them, so unfortunately he wasn't able to. He just didn't have mushroom.

Wouldn’t plants that defecate keep growing larger?

Since they soiled themselves

They say that mafia members are nasty people, but...

but while growing up, I lived next door to one and he was actually a nice guy.

In fact, every morning, he paid me $20 just to start his car.

“Congratulations,” said the doctor, “you have a new life growing inside you!”

The patient said, “I’m a man.”

The doctor said, “the tapeworm doesn’t care.”

I'm not racist my best friend growing up was black

Until my dad sold him

We were so poor when I was growing up.....

That my dad bought me an air guitar for Christmas.

My friend was even less well off. He asked if he could have my old one!!!

I have a strawberry growing out of my ear...

I went to see my doctor about it, and he told me to put some cream on it.

The problem with growing up with trans parents

Is that you can't see them.

Growing Up

I used to have two kidneys. Then I grew up.

Now I have two adult knees.

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The Taliban are banning opium and will be growing olives instead.

For the extra virgin.

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A worker at a cucumber factory had this strange urge...

He wanted to stick his dick into the cucumber cutter. The urge was growing and growing until he decided to visit a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist found that the only way to heal the urge was to actually go ahead and do it.

The next day the worker came home early, his wife asked why. As...

I was so poor growing up and our house was so small that.

you could throw one rock through our front window and hit everyone in the house

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One day a girl realised she was growing hair between her legs

She asked her mom what it was and her mom replied back 'the part where the hair is growing is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey is growing hair'

During dinner she told her sister that her monkey had grown hair and the sister replied 'that's nothing, mine is already eating banan...

When I was growing up there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet.

Nobody knew why.

Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.

Times were tough

Two tall trees - a birch and beech - are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, ‘Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son ...

My wife suggested I start growing a beard, to which I was against initially against...

But now, I must say, its growing on me

I think there's something wrong with this cactus I am growing.

I just can't put my finger on it.

There were two neighbours named George and Ted, and they both grew vegetable gardens. George's garden was growing beautifully, the tomatoes best of all. Meanwhile, Ted's garden was growing horribly, the tomatoes worst of all.

One day, Ted asked George, "How do I make my tomatoes ripen?"

"Maybe you should try doing what I did," said George. "You may remember that a few weeks ago, my tomatoes were just as bad as yours. Then I remembered reading somewhere that all tomatoes were female, so I came up with a plan to rip...

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday; he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Sir, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge mea...

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

Why are farmers growing corn?

Don't they know they can just buy it at the grocery store!

Two flowers growing in a field

First flower turns to the second and says 'you know, I really fancy you'

Second flower replies 'I really fancy you, too'

First flower says 'where are the bees when you need them??'

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