My neighbor got busted for growing weed today

Turns out my property line isn't anywhere near where I thought it was.

When Amy Schumer was growing up, everybody laughed when she said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody is laughing now

Which Country’s capital city has the fastest growing population.

Ireland. Everyday it’s Dublin.

Growing up, the family next door were all giants.

I always looked up to them, but for some reason they always looked down on us.

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When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a doctor.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though rare, his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient’s wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

“How long wil...

Name one truth you've learnt after growing up

Grown ups are good at lying

Girl: Look mommy, my (you know what) is growing hair!

Mom: That's okay, it's natural that we grow hair on our monkeys!
Girl: Look sister, I'm growing hair on my monkey!
Sister: That's nothing, my monkeys already eating bananas!

When I started growing my hair out, I really didn't like it at first.

Then it grew on me

Why did the farmer start growing wheat?

Because he was tired of Hall and Oats.

(Joke from brother while watching Stranger Things and hearing 80s music hits.)

My parents never let me listen to classical or jazz music growing up.

Too much sax and violins.

I was unsure about growing my first beard

Then one day I looked into the mirror...It grew on me

Three elderly women were discussing the problems of growing old.

One said: "Sometimes I find myself in front of the refrigerator with a jar of mayonnaise and I can't remember if I'm putting it away or making a sandwich."
Another said: "And I can trip on the stairs and not remember if I was walking up or down."
"Oh well I don't have those sort of problems, t...

When I was growing up I was told to open doors for women

But when I did she screamed and flew out of the airplane.

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I had a treehouse in my backyard growing up, and I even lost my virginity in it.

Sadly it burned down when I was 10

A little Catholic boy and a little Protestant girl, both about four years old, were growing up in Northern Ireland...

Even though Catholics and Protestants didn’t generally get along with one another, the two played together often, not understanding why their families said they shouldn’t be friends.

On one particularly hot day, the two were playing when the little girl said, “‘Tis terribly hot today. We sho...

I started growing some fungi in my garden, but it failed miserably.

I guess there is mushroom for improvement

An attractive woman loved growing tomatoes...

but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "We...

When I was growing up plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject...

*These days if you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow!!!*

Growing up I was told I can be anyone I want to be

I've just been charged with identity theft.

My car broke down the other day and I tried to remember everything my dad taught me growing up

all I knew was “point the flashlight there”.

My wife's most recent obsession is growing melons, and she makes me help her in the garden.

It's always "honey do this" and "honey do that"

Growing up, my teachers told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything in life.

Being homeschooled sucks.

A young boy is listening to the radio in the car with his father. “Dad, what music did you like growing up?”

“I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin,” the father replies.

“Who?” the son asks.

“Yeah,” the dad responds, “I liked them too.”

When i was growing up, i was so poor

That if I didn't wake up with an erection, I'd have nothing to play with

When I was growing up my parents treated me like a flower...

Self raising

The worst part about growing up in the south

was asking my parents for their blessing to marry their daughter

Growing up my grandma loved reading me Mark Twain. It combined her to favorite activities,

Spending time with her grandson and using the N word.

when I was growing up the winters were rough, my dad made us huddle round only a single candle.

if he was feeling generous he would even light it.

I was homeschooled growing up but I don't like to tell people that.

What I do like to tell people is that I had a teacher in high school that used to let me put her nipples in my mouth.

Please, please don't start growing marijuana on your cattle farm

The steaks are too high

Did you hear about the growing origami industry?

Their business is in-CREASING!

Growing up was hard for me because my family was constantly moving.

We were all in a dance group together.

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

Two old trees stood tall looking at a young sapling growing nearby

One day, a strong oak tree and a fine beech tree were chatting when they noticed a small sapling growing nearby. The forest was a very competitive place. They both wanted this sapling to be their offspring but there was no way to tell from where they stood. The oak tree saw a woodpecker flying throu...

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What do you call a phallic shaped potato growing entirely above ground?

A rootless dick-tater

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My priest growing up told me that masturbation wasn’t wrong.

He even helped!

My father says he works with a guy who has a mushroom growing out of his head

I've never met him but he sounds like a fungi

I think my neighbour is growing tomatoes in his car...

He's been sat in there with a hose through the window for hours!

The doctor said my teenager had stopped growing

I said, is this some kind of stunt?

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Australian kids are exposed to male genitals a lot growing up.

By the time they reach 18, they've definitely seen a cockatoo.

I had it rough growing up. No friends, at all...

It was just me and Black Bart,

My imaginary enemy.

Due to growing environmentalist concerns, Germany and Austria decided to limit the amount of ores and minerals they were extracting from the ground.

They said, "Mine fewer!"

Why wasn't the anti-vaxxer's son growing?

Decomposing bodies don't grow.

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As a guy, growing up I was told my first blowjob would be a great thing.

To be honest the whole experience left a bad taste in my mouth.

Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god... we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.

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When I was growing up, I went to school with a boy named Justin Reimer.

Now, Justin's father was a Supreme Court Justice, and like father like son, Justin was the head of every political club in our school. Graduation came, he was accepted into Harvard's School of Law (to no one's surprise), and that was the last I saw of him. Or so I thought...

Twenty years late...

My parents always told me when you fail try again while growing up,

And that's why I have a little sister.

When I was growing up, we didn't have a sandbox, we had a quicksand box.

I was an only child....eventually.

(From my favorite comedian: Steven Wright)

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Growing up I always heard life is like a game of poker....

And I’m one jack off

Man goes to a doctor because he has a clown growing off of his neck.

Doctor tells him, "Don't worry, it's nothing serious"

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday, he said “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.”

I said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this badge?! This badge ...

Growing up my father told me to "only trust a man as far as you can throw him."

That's why I trust babies so much.

Growing up my mom was always like, "Why can't you be more like the kids next door!"

And I always responded, "But we live next to an abortion clinic?!"

Growing up, I was so bright

my mom called me Sun.

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Growing up on a farm I learned pig’s orgasm could last 30 minutes

I could always feel they were faking it

What's the hardest thing about growing up Christian in Alabama?

You don't know which father is going to give it to you first.

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Growing up, people used to say I was autistic. I sure proved them wrong.

I can't draw worth a crap.

I decided to start growing a beard. I look really ugly.

Also I have a beard now.

I was really poor growing up.

If I hadn’t been born a boy I’d have had nothing to play with.

I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper…

Now those days are behind me…

You know, when I was growing up, I thought modern medicine would have cured everything...

I can’t believe it’s nearly 1993 and they *still* haven’t found a cure for Alzheimer's!

I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing...

But I can't put my finger on it.

My wife said, "it looks uncomfortable growing all that facial hair under your nose..."

must ache

I'm not racist my best friend growing up was black

Until my dad sold him

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

Growing old

First you forget names;
Then you forget faces;
Then you forget to zip up your fly;
And then you forget to unzip your fly.

Why did Satan keep growing his herb garden even when his oregano died each time?

Because he always had a Hell of a good thyme.

Growing up, my kid always had lots of stuffed animals....

...but he never appreciated them. Everytime we went to the taxidermist he’d start crying.

I just lost a grass growing competition.

The grass was Greener on the other side

I'm writing a book about my time growing up as a shy young boy with irritable bowel syndrome...

... i've decided to call it 'Diarrhoea Of A Wimpy Kid'

My girlfriend left me because she said I focus too much on growing and giving away herbs for really low prices

Now I don't know what to do with all this free thyme on my hands

[long] A woman wasn't happy with the way her toddler was growing up

He was a normal child in all regards, but he didn't show any kind of resemblance or similarity to her or her husband. This greatly disturbed her, but she didn't say anything to her husband lest he get upset.

One day, she decides enough is enough and has a DNA test done on the boy without tel...

My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. I told him it wasn’t a good idea.

The steaks would be too high.

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A woman goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, I'm concerned I'm growing a penis because of all these steroids that I've been taking"

Doctor says: "Anabolic?"
Woman: "No no, just a penis"

How is grass growing related to US Politics?

You Putin the seeds and up come the Trumps!

Nowadays, kids act like they got it made growing up with 4k.

Pffffftttt... I had 56k.

Growing up my father was never in the picture.

He was always the one taking them

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Why Islam is growing rapidly !!!

Father Francis of Bradford was unhappy that the church attendance had steadily declined in the past few years but the mosque across the street was jampacked every Friday.

So he invited the imam for a cup of tea and then finally brought up the topic

Imam :So tell me,what happens if a ma...

Growing up in the film industry, Harvey Weinstein was a huge influence for me.

He really touched me.

What do you call a cauliflower growing at the edge of a garden?

a border cauli!

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