Did you hear about the lady who fell in love with a ginger ale salesman? [original!]

She was Schwepped off her feet

Your favorite drink must be ginger ale.....

cause you leave every girl in Canada Dry.

I heard Dreamworks next picture will be about ale drinking in the Middle Ages...

It's called "How to Drain Your Flagon".

BLONDE ALE

Q: What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.

One day, an old man was hammering a large, wooden stake into his garden.

Unfortunately, that same day, the captain of the Navy was walking past. When the stake caught his eye (despite it being very basic and unattractive), he decided he wanted to own it. So, he waited for the old man to leave, and promptly pulled it out and carried it away to his submarine, where he foun...

Brian wanted to be a miner ever since he was little

So one day when he hit that magical age of 21 he packed up all of his things and left his parents house. Too the grievance of his mother he moved a few states over. To a little mining village that like in the old days completely depended on their local gold mine. For some reason unlike all the other...

Lion and Rat

A Mouse and Giraffe’s affair

A mouse and a lion walk into a bar, and they're sitting there chugging away at a few ales when a giraffe walks in.

"Get a load of her," says the mouse, "I fancy that!"

"Well, why not try your luck?" says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the...

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

A chicken walks in to a bar...

A chicken walks in to a bar. The bartender says, "What'll be, chicken?"
The chicken says, "I'd like a nice pale ale with some type of a fruit flavor."
The bartender says, "You want the bar across the road."

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

The Three Kingdoms

There once was a far off land with a perfectly triangular lake. Surrounding the lake was 3
kingdoms.

The first kingdom was wealthy and was filled with prosperous people, the second kingdom was more humble, but had its fair share of wealth and power. However, the third kingdom was small a...

Why is beer the best cure for a hangover?

Because it's good for what ales you.

I own a series of vending macines

You know, in parks and stuff, you can get a coke, ginger ale, fanta, etc.

Business was going really well, so well I had to hire a guy to help. Right after I hired him though, sales plummeted.

Trying to figure out why, I went to a few of my macines. The snacks were fine, but the drin...

Gandalf, Aragorn, Merry and Pippin were walking through the woods.

Merry and Pippin realized they'd had a bit too much ale and hurried off into the trees to relieve the pressure, so to speak.

When they returned, Gandalf realized they'd... forgotten something. Since he didn't want to embarrass them in front of Aragorn, he leaned in and whispered dramatically...

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Xmas shopping manners

I was in the ASDA today with 2 trollies of ale when a little old lady got behind me in the queue.She only had a pint of milk, so I said "Is that all you've got love?” She said “yeah” I did the decent thing and said “if I were you I'd fuck off to another till, I'm gonna be ages”

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Three kingdoms lay on a triangle lake

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this story telling and legal battling came to no conclusion...

I always thought it was weird that my parent's medicine cabinet was also where they stored the alcohol.

I found out later that they were just trying to cure what ales me.

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A bear walks in to a bar....

A bear, seeking advice, walks in to a bar and sits down. When approached by the bartender, he asks for a honey blonde ale and a minute of his time.

"Sure, go ahead," said the bartender.

The bear continued. "You see, before I came here, I was really hungry. I saw a friend of mine with...

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A group of friends walk into a bar and order a round of drinks.

They sit at a table next to an old man who appears to be on his own and is staring deeply into his pint.

After a few minutes, the old man leans back on his chair, stinking of booze, presses his face up against one of the guys and says, "your mama is so fat, she wakes up on both sides of the ...

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Drinking with Jesus

An Australian, an Irishman an Englishman and one other man was sitting in a bar.

They stared and stared, and looked again and realised it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, "Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?"

The man looks over at him, smiles and says ...

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A burly gentleman walks into a pub and slams his fists on the bar.

He tells the barman that the pub hasn't paid its protection money, and his mafia boss has ordered him to collect.

The burly gent heads down to the cellar and starts wheeling out all the wine barrels. He loads them onto his van and drives off.

Later that day the burly gent returns and ...

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Pub joke in the style of Geoffrey Chaucer - Bill Bailey

Three fellowes wenten into a pubbe,
And gleefullye their handes did rubbe,
In expectatione of revelrie,
For 'twas the houre known as happye.
Greate botelles of wine did they quaffe,
And hadde a reallye good laffe.
'Til drunkennesse held full dominione,
For 'twas tw...

The bar for road ways(long)(pretty bad ngl)

In England there's a bar for roadways, one day in walks a country road called the B61. He appraoches the bar and says "one pint of shandy please". The bartender get the drink and he sits happy pride of place at the bar.

Then a while later in comes a bigger dual carriage way the A1 he appraoch...

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Party guy

A guy goes out after work with some buds. An hour in and his friend notices all he's drinking is ginger ale.

"What's up with this?"

"Aww, I have to stay straight. Every time I get shit-faced, I end up vomiting all over myself and my wife knows I've been out drinking with the boys."...

So a guy walks into a bar with a giraffe......

They have a good few drinks and get rather drunk.
After many more straight whiskeys and ales the giraffe finally gives up the ghost and passes out beside the bar..
The guy feeling he’s not too far behind, finishes his last whiskey and turns to leave picking up his coat.
The barman says shar...

I went into a pub in Stratford and said in my best Shakespearean voice,

"A flagon of your finest ale please, Falstaff. "

They threw me out. Told me I was bard.

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A man is travelling through some English country lanes . . .

. . . when his car breaks down next to a field.
He gets out and lifts up the bonnet. Steam gushes into his face. 'Jesus, where do i start?' He says.

'Check the radiator' a voice says.

The man looks around, all he can see are 2 horses standing in a field. He checks the radiator, all ...

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Willy, a retired, Irish builder (long)

So Willy, a retired, Irish builder, was brooding in his ale at the pub one day with his good friend, Patty.

He glances out the window and says to Patty, “Look a there, Patty,” pointing out the window, “you see that fence over there?”

“Aye, I do.” Patty replied.

“Well, I built t...

A man walks into a bar

and the bartender asks "so what'll it be?"

The man sighs, and takes a seat. After a long pause he says "I'll take a pint of ale, but after I tell you this story, you may end up buying it for me."

"Well, I guess it'd have to be one hell of a story."

"Well, you see, you know that...

A British Explorer is Captured by a Tribe in Africa

Whilst searching through the jungles of colonial Africa, a British explorer is captured by a gang of savages. They tie him up and take him to their local village, where they tie him to a stake and prepare to cook and eat him.

As the firewood is being placed around his feet, the tribe leader a...

How does an alcoholic keep up their morale?

With More ale

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George and the Dragon

A poor vagabond, travelling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.

The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some food?" he asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and...

Three Knights Walk Into A Bar

Three knights walk into a bar.
the first knight asks the bartender for a cup of ale.
the second knight asks the bartender for a mug of ale.
the bartender turns to the third knight and says, "don't tell me, you want a jug of ale?"
The third knight says, "None for me, I'm two knight's desi...

An Elf, a Dwarf, and a Hobbit walk into a bar...

All three proceed to eat, drink and have a good time, slamming down pint after pint of ale until finally the pub was closing. The bartender asks them how he should split the tab as it was a pretty hefty sum.

"I got this," replies the Elf as he looks at the bill. "My two friends here are alway...

An American, An Englishman, and A Bavarian walk into a bar

The American orders a bud, the Englishman a pint of ale.
The Bavarian orders a coke and says to the others:
"If you won't drink beer, I won't either."

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Here's to spending the rest of me life between the sumptuous legs of me big breasted wife!

Let me tell you about the best toast of the night. It was won by a fine Irish lad, John O'Reilly, who hoisted his ale and said "here's to spending the rest of me life... between the sumptuous legs of me big breasted wife!" The men cheered and gave him a trophy. When John returned home that night, dr...

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There was a young barmaid...

There was a young barmaid from Sail,
On her breasts were the prices of ale,
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind;
Was the same information in braille.

A pirate walks into a bar...

...and requests a grog of ale.

"Sure thing pal," says the bartender. But he sees the pirate has his ship's wheel stuck in his pants. "Mr. Pirate," he says, "you do realize your wheel is in your pants?"

The pirate looks at the bartender with a fury-induced bloodshot eye that held years...

4th of July Alcohol puns: American Heroes edition.

So this all started with Abraham Drinkin.

Help us come up with more. It has to be a character from American History to celebrate today as well as some sort of alcohol theme.

Here's what we have so far (some are better than others) :

Abraham Drinkin

John Wilkes Booze
...

After his first day at a new job, a man stops by a pub.

The man asks the barman for a pint of bitter.
"We're out of bitter." Grumbles the barman.
"Sorry," the man says, "I'll just have an ale, then."
"No ale at all," says the barman, as he lets out a long breath.
The man, a little frustrated now says, "Fine, pull me a lager."
"No lager, n...

The man who loved tractors

A while ago, there was this man living in Devonshire called Paul. He lived in the rural areas and LOVED tractors. Big ones, small ones, long ones, short ones, red ones, green ones, grey ones, you name it. He was also a member of the Tractor Society, which would put out a magazine every month.
...

What do you call a brewmaster that wears a bright purple robe and carries around an enormous recipe book?

An Ale Chemist.

Some say that beer is soda with soul...

No wonder ginger ale isn't alcoholic!

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Two Native Americans

Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit
down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there
sucking back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says,
"How would you boys like a blow job?"
The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him
unconscious. He then sits back...

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On a trip to Ireland....

I stopped in a small town and decided to have a few pints in a local pub. As I sat down an older Irish man took up the stool next to mine. After a while we began to talk.

"Look out the window there sonny" he said. " You see that house down there at the end of the road? I built that house with...

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A Man, an Ostrich, and a Cat, Walk Into a Bar...

The bartender, used to these sorts of jokes, lets it slide. "What'll you have?" he asks the trio.

"I'll have a pint," the man says.
"Just a Coke for me," says the ostrich.
"I'll have a scotch," the cat says. He looks at the man, "so long as you're buying."

"Right," the bartender ...

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A man, a pub and a dare

A man goes to a pub for a drink and spies on the counter a glass jar filled with $50 notes.
"bartender, what's this then" the man asks while pointing to his favourite ale on tap.
"oh, that's for the local dare we got set up, put in $50, you do three things and you get the whole jar. First yo...

An improved Game of Thrones joke

Robert Baratheon, Renly Baratheon and Stannis Baratheon go into a tavern. They order ale, but when the barkeep brings them over, they each find a fly in their cups. Robert goes into rage and smashes the cup, demanding new ale. Renly takes the fly out and laughs with the barkeep about it. Stannis rea...

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A Frenchman, a Russian, and an Irishman walk into a bar.

A Frenchman, a Russian, and an Irishman walk into a bar. The Frenchman orders a glass of wine, the Russian orders a shot of Vodka, and the Irishman orders a pint of ale. When the drinks come, all 3 have a fly in them. The Frenchman yells at the barman and demands another. The Russian picks up the fl...

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The Texan in Alaska

1960, Alaska is now a state. A Texan moves up to Alaska determined to be a citizen of the largest state in the union. He walks into the first bar in Juneau and shouts "All right, I'm going to be an Alaskan! You there, Barkeep, I'm going to be an Alaskan! What do I have to do to become an Alaskan!" <...

In honor of today's date (May the 4th be with you) I came up with a Star Wars joke

Did you hear about the new Jedi beer?

It's Force Ale.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Brit, a Scott, and an Irishman...

So a Britt, a Scott, and an Irishman walk into a bar. They all sit down and order their ales of choice. While they are talking, a fly dives into each of their ales. Disgusted, the Brit says, "Bartender a new ale please" and continues drinking his new ale. The Scott looks at the fly in his ale and co...

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A man is trying to pick up a girl in a bar....

....after consuming several alcoholic beverages. At this point, he's pretty pissed, and is having no luck with the females. He takes a seat at the bar, and spies a younger gentleman who is attracting all the women in the bar. The drunkard approaches him and says "Oi mate, what's your secret? How you...

A man walks into a pub...

... And orders his regular ale from the landlord.
The landlord duly pours him the pint, places it on the bar, but as the man reaches for it a dog runs in, grabs the pint, downs it and runs out the door.
"That's very strange" exclaims the landlord, "let me get you another".
So the landlord ...

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Emotion Party (rated M for mature themes)

Jim wanted to spice things up for his 25th birthday party and decided that it should be an Emotion Party. He instructed his guests to come dressed as an emotion.

The first guest to arrive was dressed in green and snarled at Jim.

"I've come as Envy!" the guest declared.

The sec...

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A group of tourists are backpacking around Scotland...

They stop in a small town to rest for the day and find the local pub. They are all students of history so they ask the bartender about the history of the town.

"Oh, ye'll be wantin' teh speak teh Ol' Angus in the corner," the barkeep says. "He practically built the whole village himself!"
...