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There are fuckups, there are royal fuckups, and then there was NASA crashing a spaceship because they confused pounds and kilos.

That was an *Imperial* fuckup.

My British friend told me he lost 50 pounds.

He seemed really upset when I congratulated him.

Imagine Americans switched from Pound to Kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" screams the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife....

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

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Tried telling my girlfriend she needed to lose a few pounds ...

... but it blew up into a huge-ass argument.

wife said I need to lose a couple pounds so I went to the doctor

healthcare in the UK is damn cheap

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds

He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally...

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I wake up at around 7am to hear this pounding at my door as if it’s about to cave in

So I open the door and I see this 6ft cockroach. Before I can even ask him how’s he doing he picks me up and flings me across the hallway of my house. Moving at rapid speed he’s got me in a headlock and delivers some devastating punches. I’m gutted to say I passed out from the sheer pain. Next day w...

Taylor Swift is dropping albums like I’m dropping pounds

Only two, but still more than anyone expected.

My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.

"I hope you win" was not the correct response.

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

A: Put a nipple on it.

What's a fast way to lose ten pounds of ugly weight?

Cut off your head.

I recently adopted an African child. He, was just 7 pounds!

Plus shipping, of course.

This weird woman was pounding my door at 4am. I had no idea who she was.

So I had to let her out.

Last night I dreamt I was eating a 15 pound marshmallow…

I woke up this morning and I couldn’t find my pillow.

Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds...

Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk

My girlfriend gained 50 pounds and can now predict the weather.

She fancies herself a meatierologist.

Between a 200-pound woman and a 200-pound rock, which is heavier?

The woman. She lied about her weight.

A fully loaded tractor-trailer carrying 80,000 pounds of Tylenol skidded off an icy bridge, and ended up in the mighty Mississippi.

...Resulting in river failure.

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A guy walks into a grocery store and says "I want half a pound of butter"

He looks and sees shelves completely covered with boxes of salt. All over the grocery store, hundreds and hundreds of boxes of salt. So he says to the grocer, “Listen, I don’t want to pry, but do you sell a lot of salt?” And the grocery man says, “Me, if I’ll sell a box of salt a month, I’m luck...

What happens when two dogs breed in a pound?

Dog pound dog pounds dog pound dog.

What do you call a 400 pound alcoholic?

A heavy drinker.

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I got a pound of cherries stuck in my ass once.

It really was the pits.

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*NSFW* John is sent to prison and he meets his 6’8” 320 pound cell mate

Cell mate says, “We are going to be here a long time, so you choose whether you want to be the husband or the wife?”

John is scared but he knows what to pick to make his life a little easier, “I’ll be the husband” he says confidently.

Cell mate, “ Good, now come here and suck your wife...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

A pastor was leaving a graveside service, when he noticed a man sobbing, pounding the ground with his fists, and yelling as he knelt before a grave.

He decided to see if the man needed help or comfort and as he drew closer he heard the man yelling, "Why did he die! Why did he have to die!?"

The pastor knelt beside the man and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm a pastor, if there's anything I can do, I'll be glad to help. Was this your...

An American wins 2000 pounds gambling in Britain.

As he receives his winnings, all he can say is:

“That’s a ton of money”

I lost over 300 pounds in 2004 - 2006

It was a long divorce, but I do feel so much lighter now!

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John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache

Had a case of cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"E...

I lost 216 pounds.

Never going to another British casino again...

At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds....

...Only 15 pounds to go!

The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.

WHO let the dogs out.

A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?"

The blonde nods. "But, I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!"

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What's the difference between an American prostitute and a British prostitute?

You can have sex with 200 pounds.

It's never too late to lose weight.

My dad lost 130 pounds moments before we spread his ashes.

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I lost 450 pounds!

I accidentally added an extra zero on venmo and Nigel still hasn't given my money back.

Fuck you Nigel.

They say the camera adds 10 pounds

But tinder has taught me that real life adds another 20.

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes


The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account...

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him...

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at t...

What weighs more: A pound of feathers, or a pound of dogs?

The dogs. A pound can house many of them and even a pomeranian weighs at least a few pounds.

A pound of brains

Did you know there is a place in Africa where they literally sell human brains for consumption? It's like a delicacy or something over there. Crazy right? They have brains from all over the world you can buy for all kinds of different prices. You just pay by the pound. Well do you know where the mos...

I have lost about 10 pounds!

While I think that is pretty impressive, my sister is screaming at me to go find her baby...

I lost 15 pounds

But in my defense, babies are easy to misplace.

A man was arrested for having 5 pounds of cocaine stashed in boxes of Lucky Charms.

The police found the whole ordeal as "magically suspicious".

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I was born with a baby-sized penis

It weights 6 pounds

(long) Life lessons learned on a farm.

One day, a chicken and horse were walking in a field when all of a sudden, the horse fell into a thick bed of mud. Failing to pull him out, the horse said, "Quick! Get the farmer! He'll help me!"

The chicken ran back to the farmhouse and pounded on the door, but no one answered. He dashed in...

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in for a penny, in for a pound

A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a $5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, “Wait, why’d you throw in the $5 bill?” He replied, “Well I...

Customizable joke to make fun of any town

A little guy walks into a bar in <insert town> and says to the bartender, "You want to hear a <insert town> joke?

The bartender says, "Before you start, buddy, I want you to know that I am 6'2", 210 pounds and I am a native of <insert town>. See that guy coming out of the b...

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The talking clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night,
the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied.

"How does it work?"
...

I lost 13 pounds by walking yesterday

To you americans thats about $17

Kid: Dad, I need to fix my bike tire, it's flat. Dad: Kiddo, you need a henway for that. Kid: What's a henway?

About three pounds.


(read outloud)

My wife told me not to worry about her ex, because he was hung like a baby.

That made me feel better until I ran into him at the gym, and saw that it's 20 inches long, and weighs 9 pounds.

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

I lost 225 pounds!

I don’t know how or why anyone hacked into my bank account

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A man went to the doctor to inquire about options for penis enlargement...

"Doc," he said, "you've got to help me. My penis is miniscule. It always has been. The other boys used to make fun of me in the locker room, girls I dated would laugh at me as soon as we got to the bedroom... I experienced nothing but humiliation my whole life, until I met my wife, god bless her. Sh...

The difference between theory & reality.

A boy was given a essay to write about the difference between theory and reality.

Struggling to come up with a explanation he asked his dad who said to him that he could lend a hand with this one.

The father told him "go find your mother and ask her if she would sleep with the window c...

A man finds out his wife is having an affair, so he calls his mate, arty, who will do anything for a pound, to murder them.

"Arty" says the cheated husband. "I want you to kill my wife and her lover."
"Okay" replies Arty, but I'll only do it if you give me a pound!"
So arty follows them both around the local shop, and as they get to the fruit and veg section he strangles the man then the woman.
The following ...

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There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

A guy tried lifting 40 pound dumbbells

"This is too much." He decided.

He spent his money on cheaper dumbbells

What's heavier: A pound of iron or a pound of feathers?

The only correct answer is a pound of feathers. And while it's true they both weigh the same, with a pound of feathers you have to live with what was done to those poor birds.

A girl once told me, “If you lost about 50 pounds you’d be cute”

I told her, “if I lost 50 pounds I’d be talking to your friends!”

Edit:
Credit: Felipe Esparza

Why didn’t USA switch from pounds to grams?

Because of mass outrage.

“I lost 5 pounds.” “That’s good for your health!”

The colombians disagree.

What do you call a dirt-cheap brothel in Britain?

Pound town

I've lost 8 pounds in the last fortnight.

For the Americans amongst you that means about 10 dollars in the last two weeks.

If I had a pound coin for everytime I had no clue what was going on

i'd just be wondering why I have so much money

What do you call a 300 pound Green Bay Packer fan?

Anorexic

The political parties can't agree on what a second economic stimulus package should look like. Democrats want every American to receive a $1,200.00 check, while Republicans favor giving everybody 10 pounds of Parmesean cheese.

The GOP wants to "Make America Grate Again".

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NSFW: hope this isn't a repost, never seen it here, but one of my favorites I heard at least 20 years ago . A woman is walking alone on the beach one day....

Enjoying the beautiful day when she stubs her toe and stumbles over something in the sand. She turns around and is stunned to see a genie rising from smoke out of a lamp. The genie looks at her twirling his goatee and informs her he can grant her one wish. She takes a moment to ponder her decision a...

A drunk staggers into a Catholic church

He enters a confession booth and sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk man shouts, "Ain't no use knocking! There's no paper on this side either!"

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[NSFW] Lisa, one of the regulars at church enters the confession booth to confess her sins.

Lisa:"Forgive me father, for I have sinned"

Priest: "Don't worry my child. Tell me what happend."

Lisa: "Two days ago I met a guy"

Priest: "And?"

Lisa: "He was very sweet and such a gentleman..*

Priest: "So?"

Lisa: "Well we kissed and he started to touch me...

I'm recovering from surgery, and my doctor said I couldn't lift more than ten pounds.

I haven't been able to use the bathroom by myself in a week.

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Poor Dyslexic James (long, original)

James was dyslexic. Because of this, he always struggled in school. He was embarrassed by his dyslexia and never let on or got help for his problems, so his grades suffered. His teachers and guidance counsellors told him he’d never amount to anything. All his life, James just wanted to prove them wr...

Did you know trading in foreign currencies is like going to the restroom?

This morning when I closed my position, I'd lost five pounds.

What is the difference between USA and USB

USB can have 500 gb+, USA comes in 500 pounds+

I’ve found an easy way to lose three hundred pounds quickly!

Well... that’s the last time I bet large sums at the casino.

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Aleve pills and viagra look way too much alike.

I keep winding up with two pounding heads instead of one.

How many cops does it take to tackle a 120 pound female protestor?

All of them

I lost 30 pounds in a single day!

All it cost me was an arm and a leg.

An exercise for people who are out of shape:

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand. Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax. After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags. Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potat...

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The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns ...

"How much for dressed chicken?" "$1.28 per pound."

"How much if it's undressed?"

I wanted to get healthier

So, I gave up alcohol, pizza, fast food, junk food, and chocolate.

So far, I've lost 10 pounds and my will to live.

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They are a bunch of royal bitches!

I ran into a man at a pub near Buckingham palace. I watched in amazement, as he pounded down pint after pint, so I decided I would find out more about him.

I sat down next to him, and I offered to buy him the next pint. He agreed, and I took the opportunity to ask him why he was drinking so h...

Did you hear about the messenger who murdered someone with a 2.2 pound weight?

He said he was just delivering a killergram.

THE SCOTTISH BROTHEL...

The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
*"May I help you sir?"* she asked.


The man replied,  *"I want to see Suzy."*


*"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies ...

It’s hard to sleep at night, some girl I met kept pounding on my door.

But there’s no way I’m letting her out.

A policeman walks by a street vendor

Policeman:”What are you selling?”

Vendor:” Apple seeds... $5 a pop!”

Policeman:”What???Why would anyone want to eat apple seed?”

Vendor:” They make you smarter!”

Policeman:” OK, give me one (swallows it)... wait a minute? For $5 I could have bought a pound of apples and g...

What do you call a 300 pound woman with a yeast infection?

A Whopper with cheese.

A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

How I lost 100 pounds in one day

Had a bad time at the casino.

My new year's resolution was to finally lose 50 pounds.

Its going alright! 3 weeks in and I've only got 55 left to lose.

A man takes off his shirt in the gym.

A blonde comes up to him and says, wow what a great chest you have! The man replies, Thats one hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes off his pants. The blonde says, Wow! What great calf’s you have! The man then replies, that’s two hundred pounds of dynamite babe. The man then takes of ...

I have a plan to lose 10 pounds when the quarantine is over

I am going to get a haircut

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What do call a prostitute who prefers British pound as primary payment method?

A quid pro ho

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So far I've lost 150 pounds during the epidemic!

It was my mom..
She's not dead. She's just a bitch.

I’m tired of the Facebook ads telling me I can lose 18 pounds and 8 inches in a month.

Losing 18 pounds would be cool, but I don’t want to be five-foot two.

What weighs more a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers?

## The answer is feathers. 200 pounds of bricks is just a bunch of bricks, but if you try to carry 200 pounds of feathers, you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

What do you call it when 2 people argue wheather kilos or pounds are better

Mutual mass debation

I was recently asked to say a few words at a friend’s funeral.

I stood up at the podium, looked at my friend’s family and friends, and said “2,000 pounds.”

I then made my way back to my seat.

My friends’ wife stood up and said, with tears in her eyes, “Thank you, that means a ton.”

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

About 40 pounds.

What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?

Daytime drinking

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

An explorer spent weeks scouring the jungles of Skull Island, hoping to see the legendary King Kong. One day, when he was all but certain that it was nothing but a myth, he came to a clearing - and right there before him, sitting pensively, was the imposing figure of King Kong...

The explorer glared at King Kong in awe, and approached him slowly. King Kong seemed to be quite passive, so the explorer slowly reached out and shyly touched him. But as soon as he made contact with the gorilla’s fur, King Kong went berserk. He immediately rose to his feet, began beating his chest ...

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

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Three old men, 70, 80, and 90 years young, sat on a park bench for a chat.

During their conversation, the topic of sleep schedules and bodily functions comes up. Of course, being a competitive group, each one feels the need to have the most significant problems.

The 70 year old says, "I wake up at 5 AM every morning and need to pee urgently, but I have to stand th...

I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet

Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.

I lost 10 pounds this week

I've gotta fix that hole in my pocket.

The Blind Sales Clerk

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about...

I have lost 8 pounds!

My sister is less pleased, though. In fact, she is absolutely livid and telling me to find her newborn baby.

When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the store with $1 and I'd come home with 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, 1/2 a pound of cheese, pack of tea and 6 eggs.

You can't do that now.



Too many security cameras

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