If the Americans change from pounds to kilograms overnight,

there will be mass confusion.

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What do call a prostitute who prefers British pound as primary payment method?

A quid pro ho

I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet

Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.

What's the easiest way to lose 100 pounds in under a minute?

Go to a British casino.

How to burn 3500 calories ( a pound of fat) in your sleep!

Sleep for 55 hours.

A long lost friend came back to me weighting 100 more pounds

I said wow you look more energic!

He askes why

I explained E=MC²

He's "Physicaly" more "attractive"!

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

My tinder profile says I'm 6 feet, 2 inches, and 195 pounds, but the girls I match with are always furious when we meet.

I guess they don't realize those are three separate measurements.

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Lose 10Kg/22 Pounds a week or get double your money back !

A guy is reading his newspaper and stops on an ad:

"***Lose 5 Kg /11 Pounds in one week or we will pay you back twice your money, guaranteed !***"

He goes to the adress and the hostess at the reception collect the payment and shows the client a room saying: enter here you will see ...

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Add a nipple to it.

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I lost 20 pounds with Weightwatchers...

They took my money and I weigh the same.

In one week I lost 50 pounds!

How much is that in US dollars?

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Going to the gym has changed my life. I dropped 20 pounds

On my foot. Shit’s broken and I can’t walk now.

I ordered 2000 pounds of Chinese soup

It was won ton.

Without anyone's help, I created mints that each weigh 1/16 of a pound...

I make my own announcemints now.

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the
door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is p...

Your friend say they are fat but they are really 120 pounds so you ask in what world are they fat?

A third world.

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed...

If I had a pound for every time you farted...



I'd be stinking rich!

My son just had his first day at the British Museum, his first task was to guard a multi million pound glass vase...

Apparently he said he smashed it!

I lost 40 pounds this year.

On an unrelated note, if you see a 6 year old boy with brown hair and brown eyes. Please contact me.

Which is heavier - 1000 pounds of feathers or 1000 pounds of bricks?

The feathers are heavier - you also have to carry the guilt of plucking all those chickens.

How did Joan lose 240 pounds?

She got a divorce.

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When I was a kid, my mother used to send me down to the general store with a dollar. I’d come back with two loaves of bread, a pound of butter, a carton of eggs, and a gallon of milk

You can’t do that any more, there are too many security cameras

I lost 10 pounds last month.

But don't worry I found it again, and 10 more.

baby gained twenty pounds in a week

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.

If I had a pound for every time I got confused by measurements.

I’d have 454 grams by now.

New study finds that women with few extra pounds live longer

than men who mention about them

I joined a gym and lost 10 pounds in first week.

They canceled my membership.

A girl once told me, “If you lost about 50 pounds you’d be cute”

I told her, “if I lost 50 pounds I’d be talking to your friends!”

Edit:
Credit: Felipe Esparza

I gained about 400 pounds in one night

And all I had to do was rob some British guy

I lost 100 pounds in a week.

I should really start spending more carefully.

Post Brexit, what will be the difference between a dollar and a British Pound?

A dollar.

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What’s grey, weighs 500 pounds, and drags along the bottom of the ocean?

Moby’s Dick

I’ve always wanted to know how many pounds it would take to crush a man’s chest and after an accident at work yesterday I finally got my answer.

£51,839

One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman's door.

"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news".

"Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies.

The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor."

The woma...

I lost 20 pounds

Bet an Englishman on a soccer game and choose the wrong team.

I found this great new dieting plan that's sure to make you lose a lot of pounds

It's called Brexit

Whats heavier? 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers?

The answer is feathers.

If you have 200 pounds of bricks it’s just a pile of bricks. If you have 200 pounds of feathers, you also have to carry around what you did to those poor birds

When should you go to the bakery instead of the pound?

When you want a pure bread.

I mean really, who does that? Who just walks up, pounds on your door and tells you, “You need to be saved or you’re going to burn!”

The nerve of that fireman...

A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

Considering that the hashtag is also called the pound key

#MeToo is just asking for it

Guy walks into a funeral home

He tells the receptionist, “my wife is dying, and i need to buy a gravesite.”

Receptionist says, “sure, no problem. Just fill out this paperwork and we’ll get the process started.”

Guy says, “well you should know up front this might get complicated. See, my wife weighs 800 pounds.”
...

At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds....

...Only 15 pounds to go!

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

"Hey, I was supposed to lose 30 pounds in month, I want a refund"

"Sure. How much did you pay for box?"

"30 pounds!"

"Looks like it works like advertised, anything else I can help you with?"

I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds!

The only problem is I’m British...

A man recently lost 28 pounds just eating chicken.

It’s the only recorded instance of one bird killing two stone.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

Guy walks into a bar...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent....

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What's the similarity between a bad boxer and a porn star?

They both take a pounding in the ring.

If “#” is often read as “pound,”

then perhaps we should rethink the title of the #metoo movement.

My wife asked me how much weight I’ve lost since the new year started. I told her 50 pounds.

No way! That’s great, but I hate to say it doesn’t look it. Are you sure?

Well, yes. I’ve lost the same five pounds ten times.

Breaking News: Thieves break into Wig Factory; Steal 500 pounds of hair.

When questioned by the press, the owner said, "When these guys are caught, there's gonna be hell toupee!"

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

A man was walking home past a cemetary in the middle of the night.

when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncin...

I lost 5 pounds in 10 minutes!

But I wouldn't go in that bathroom for at least an hour...

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Paddy is on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire "

and he is doing rather well. He is at the final question for a million pounds with Chris Tarrant (The UK host), he has only one life line left....phone a friend.

The question comes: "Which bird does not make a nest?,:

A) a Sparrow, B) a Swallow, C) a Blackbird or D) a Cuckoo

Pad...

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

A boy asks a girl to prom

So there's this boy in highschool, around 16 years old and he very nervously and timidly asks this beautiful girl out to prom. Out of his league and the most beautiful I'm the school. He's shocked and quite startled when he hears "id love to go!" Leave her lips.
Short on time with days till or, h...

Ten years ago, hashtags were read as pound..

Puts a whole new spin on #meToo

An American and a Russian are arguing about who's country is better

The American says, "See in America you can walk into the president's oval office, pound his desk and say, Mr.President I don't like the way you're running your country."

The Russian says, "Well, I can do that."

The American questions, "You can?"

The Russian explains, "Yes, I can...

Where does a 300 pounds gorilla sit?

Where he wants.

I went to the doctor today for a checkup and he showed me on a chart that I'm 20 pounds overweight.

But, I pointed out that using his very same data, *I'm not overweight.* I just need to be 3 inches taller.

My neighbor is so inconsiderate!

He came pounding on my front door at 4am.

Thankfully I was already awake practicing my drum solo, but very rude!

Brits are pounding their fists at Brexit.

Whilst Brexit is really fisting the Pound.

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I went to see my proctologist...

I went to see my proctologist for a thorough check-up.

After he looked me over, I said to him, "You know, I probably have one of the best digestive systems in the world. It's *so* good, that I ate TEN POUNDS of glitter the other day just for fun. What do you think?"

“Weird flecks. But...

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.

The most popular guy in school weighs over 300 pounds

People naturally gravitate towards him

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Two lip-reading deaf guys walk into a pub.

One turns to the other and says (in a mongy deaf voice), "You go find a seat...I'll get the drinks in".
He walks up to the bar and says, "Bartender, could I please have two pints of lager?"
"Certainly," replies the barman, "That'll be £10."
"Ten pounds?" gasps the deaf guy, "That's a...

An Irish Painter

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.

One ...

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

A shifty looking guy in a kilt walks into a London pub

He orders a pint and very very carefully puts down the plastic bag he is carrying.

The bartender asks "What's that?"

The guy answers "6 pounds of explosives"

"Thank Christ for that" says the barman, "I thought it might be bagpipes."

10 years ago today I lost 120 pounds...

Sure don't miss her!!

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I was staying in a crappy motel. In the middle of the night a beautiful woman woke me up by pounding on the door and begging me to open it. I felt so bad...

... that I decided to let her out.

I visited the UK recently and saw a hotel listing for 2000 pounds.

That's a ton of money

If you find 400 pounds on the street in England, you're a lucky man...

If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.

Where does a four hundred pound alien go for exercise?

Planet Fitness

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In a small town there's a priest who makes good friends with his congregation. One Sunday, a fisherman invites the priest to go fishing with him.

The next weekend, they get in a boat and spend the day fishing. Unfortunately, neither of them has much luck, until all of a sudden, the priest feels a huge tug in his line. With some help from the fisherman, he reels in what must be a thirty pound largemouth bass.

Forgetting himself, the fis...

They say the camera adds ten pounds

But after meeting a few girls online I'm convinced it takes away at least thirty

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A 5 Pound Ballsack

A woman is giving birth at the hospital and the doctor and multiple nurses are helping her give birth. The baby comes out of the mother and the Doctor and nurses are all very confused. They call in the Chief Physician to look at the baby. “Look at the size of the baby’s balls!” Said a nurse. “5 poun...

My neighbor pounded on my door at 2:30am last night! Can you believe that?! 2:30am!

Fortunately, I was still up practicing my bagpipes.

I lost 164 pounds in the last 6 months with this one simple trick!

All I did was buy bitcoin

If I had a pound for every time I went to the job centre...

I'd be able to afford another pack of cigarettes.

What is black, white, and gray, has feathers, and weighs almost four and a half pounds?

Two-kilo mockingbird.

How do you get a pound of meat out of a fly?

Unzip it

My friend told me she lost thirty pounds.

...but then I remembered she is British and lost £30 instead. I really should not have congratulated her.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!"

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, ...

Acoustic guitar player was working a gig at an eatery

playing background music for the diners. As expected, he was ignored until surprisingly after one tune, he heard someone clapping vigorously. Of course, he looked around to acknowledge the person. That's when he spotted the guy pounding on the bottom of a bottle trying to get the ketchup out

You, too, could lose 100 pounds with Herbalife...

...Simply by paying British money to sign up.

A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just gave birth to their first child "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 24 pounds…

Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of "Wow!"

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answ...

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WWE is like porn

the premise is staged, but someone is actually getting pounded

What do you call an eight-thousand pound gorilla?

Sir

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