Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion.

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How do you make 5 pounds of fat look sexy?

Put a nipple on it.

I lost 10 pounds this week

I've gotta fix that hole in my pocket.

I have lost 8 pounds!

My sister is less pleased, though. In fact, she is absolutely livid and telling me to find her newborn baby.

I lost twenty pounds.

Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.

My new year's resolution was to finally lose 50 pounds.

Its going alright! 3 weeks in and I've only got 55 left to lose.

What is heavier, a pound of feathers or a pound of bricks?

A pound of feathers, because then you have to carry the weight of what you did to all those poor birds.

They say the camera adds ten pounds...

I'm sitting accross from my date and wondering how many she's eaten.

Lifting weights has really changed my life. Dropped 25 pounds already.

Right on my big toe. It's broken now I can hardly walk.

I’m tired of the Facebook ads telling me I can lose 18 pounds and 8 inches in a month.

Losing 18 pounds would be cool, but I don’t want to be five-foot two.

I was so proud when I had lost 350 pounds

Mom: but honey, you never weighed more than 200 pounds.

Me: I know, I just dumped my girlfriend Karen

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I read that 18th century scrambled eggs called for a quarter pound of butter

That recipe sure had a pretty large margarine of error.

A blind man enters a ladies bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke sir, you should ...

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I lost 50 pounds

to craps


at a British casino


I got it back at the all you can eat buffet

What do you have when you have 2000 British pounds?

A ton of money.

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What do call a prostitute who prefers British pound as primary payment method?

A quid pro ho

My New Year’s resolution for 2019 was to lose 10 pounds.

Only 15 to go!

What's seven pounds and makes women scream?

Crib Death

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

Last night I woke up to someone pounding on my front door.

I went downstairs to see what the hell was going on and there was a hooker beating on my door!

You: OMG, what did you do?

Me: I let her out

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He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, As his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards..... forwards then backwards..... back and forth.. In and out.. in and out.. Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush & she started to grunt and groan Then she let out one almighty scream!!!

"I can't park this fucking car! you do it you smug bastard'!

I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet

Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.

Today in my chemistry lab, the teacher asked a kid to add 4 grams of baking soda to an ounce of vinegar. The moron instead added 4 ounces of baking soda to a pound of vinegar.

It was mass confusion.

How to burn 3500 calories ( a pound of fat) in your sleep!

Sleep for 55 hours.

What's the easiest way to lose 100 pounds in under a minute?

Go to a British casino.

My tinder profile says I'm 6 feet, 2 inches, and 195 pounds, but the girls I match with are always furious when we meet.

I guess they don't realize those are three separate measurements.

Without anyone's help, I created mints that each weigh 1/16 of a pound...

I make my own announcemints now.

A long lost friend came back to me weighting 100 more pounds

I said wow you look more energic!

He askes why

I explained E=MC²

He's "Physicaly" more "attractive"!

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Lose 10Kg/22 Pounds a week or get double your money back !

A guy is reading his newspaper and stops on an ad:

"***Lose 5 Kg /11 Pounds in one week or we will pay you back twice your money, guaranteed !***"

He goes to the adress and the hostess at the reception collect the payment and shows the client a room saying: enter here you will see ...

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My dad always bragged to us about his three pound shits

He was always so full of crap.

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the
door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is p...

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I lost 20 pounds with Weightwatchers...

They took my money and I weigh the same.

In one week I lost 50 pounds!

How much is that in US dollars?

Eric is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.

“That desk is going for £2000,” says the shopkeeper.

“$2000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Eric.

“Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.” He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?”

The desk taps one of its legs on t...

So there was an American and a Russian arguing.

Then the American said “Look, in my country I can complain about the government. I can walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the President’s Desk and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country’”

The Russian said “I can do the same thing” The American was stunned...

I lost 10 pounds last month.

But don't worry I found it again, and 10 more.

Common sense is like AIDS.

Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.

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A farmer with one cow lives in a tiny farm with his wife, and three sons.

One morning he stepped outside to milk the cow, only to find it stiff and unmistakenably dead in its meadow. The farmer drops down in despair.

'How am I supposed to support my family without our only source of income?', he exclaims. In utter disbelief he walks to the shed, grabs his shotgun, ...

A girl once told me, “If you lost about 50 pounds you’d be cute”

I told her, “if I lost 50 pounds I’d be talking to your friends!”

Edit:
Credit: Felipe Esparza

Did you know that an elephant can carry up to nearly 20,000 pounds?

I wish I had that kind of money on me.

I lost 40 pounds this year.

On an unrelated note, if you see a 6 year old boy with brown hair and brown eyes. Please contact me.

Which is heavier - 1000 pounds of feathers or 1000 pounds of bricks?

The feathers are heavier - you also have to carry the guilt of plucking all those chickens.

If I had a pound for every time you farted...



I'd be stinking rich!

My son just had his first day at the British Museum, his first task was to guard a multi million pound glass vase...

Apparently he said he smashed it!

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My Landlord got rid of 250 pounds of worthless crap.

He evicted me.

And the difference between a fiance and a wife is ...

... normally 10 to 15 pounds.

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BECOMING AMERICAN

Two Saudi brothers come to America and one buys a house on the west coast and the other on the east coast. They are so excited about being Americans and during their goodbyes they make a $10,000 bet: in two months they will meet again and the one that is the most American wins.

Two months pas...

How did Joan lose 240 pounds?

She got a divorce.

You see each country has its own currency

In the US they have the dollar

In the UK they have the pound

In the EU they have the euro

In Australia they have toilet paper

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed...

The UK tested switching to the dollar...

Many years ago, England was considering switching the Pound over to the dollar. As a test run to see how it would fare, they made a run of dollar coins that they distributed to the public.

Not wanting to get them confused with the one pound coins, they decided they would change the Queen's fa...

I lost 100 pounds in a week.

I should really start spending more carefully.

If I had a pound for every time I got confused by measurements.

I’d have 454 grams by now.

Post Brexit, what will be the difference between a dollar and a British Pound?

A dollar.

New study finds that women with few extra pounds live longer

than men who mention about them

baby gained twenty pounds in a week

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.

I’ve always wanted to know how many pounds it would take to crush a man’s chest and after an accident at work yesterday I finally got my answer.

£51,839

A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

I gained about 400 pounds in one night

And all I had to do was rob some British guy

Considering that the hashtag is also called the pound key

#MeToo is just asking for it

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When I was a kid, my mother used to send me down to the general store with a dollar. I’d come back with two loaves of bread, a pound of butter, a carton of eggs, and a gallon of milk

You can’t do that any more, there are too many security cameras

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What’s grey, weighs 500 pounds, and drags along the bottom of the ocean?

Moby’s Dick

I found this great new dieting plan that's sure to make you lose a lot of pounds

It's called Brexit

I joined a gym and lost 10 pounds in first week.

They canceled my membership.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Kirkland Nutra Nuggets dog chow

for my loyal pet, Brista, and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probabl...

What is a dog catcher's favorite food?

Pound cake.

P.S. (I thought of this one on my own so hopefully it's original. My daughter liked it anyway so I guess that's all that matters!)

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3 men are standing in front of Heaven's Door waiting to be let in when St. Peter says, "Sorry, boys, but Heaven has met their quota for the day

; however, if you tell me how you died and it is interesting enough, I will let you in."

The first man says, " I am a respectable businessman who lives with my wife in a condo on the 12th floor of The Rains Building. I suspected that my wife has been cheating on me, so I left work two hours e...

I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds!

The only problem is I’m British...

I lost 20 pounds

Bet an Englishman on a soccer game and choose the wrong team.

When should you go to the bakery instead of the pound?

When you want a pure bread.

A man recently lost 28 pounds just eating chicken.

It’s the only recorded instance of one bird killing two stone.

Who says you can't lose weight by hitting the gym?

Last week I brought an annual membership. I lost 7 pounds ever since because I ran out of money to buy food.

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Thanks to Brexit, British prostitutes are now a great deal..

pound for pound

If “#” is often read as “pound,”

then perhaps we should rethink the title of the #metoo movement.

I mean really, who does that? Who just walks up, pounds on your door and tells you, “You need to be saved or you’re going to burn!”

The nerve of that fireman...

"Hey, I was supposed to lose 30 pounds in month, I want a refund"

"Sure. How much did you pay for box?"

"30 pounds!"

"Looks like it works like advertised, anything else I can help you with?"

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A woman goes to the store looking to buy vegetables

She walks up the the grocer and says "Excuse me, I would like to buy a pound of broccoli"

The grocer says "Oh I am sorry but we do mot have broccoli anymore. Can i interest you in some cabbage?"

The woman insists "No, I want a pound of broccoli"

The grocer says in a confused man...

Why does the EU look so good?

She’s lost a pound

My wife asked me how much weight I’ve lost since the new year started. I told her 50 pounds.

No way! That’s great, but I hate to say it doesn’t look it. Are you sure?

Well, yes. I’ve lost the same five pounds ten times.

Ten years ago, hashtags were read as pound..

Puts a whole new spin on #meToo

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3 guys are on top of a cliff

3 guys are on top of a cliff admiring the view, then god comes down to them and says "jump down this cliff and shout out what you want the most and you will find it on the bottom"

The first guy jumps and shouts "5 pound notes!". He land safely in a large pile of 5 pound notes at the bottom....

Breaking News: Thieves break into Wig Factory; Steal 500 pounds of hair.

When questioned by the press, the owner said, "When these guys are caught, there's gonna be hell toupee!"

News reporters visit a hen about a shockingly huge egg she laid recently.

“This is amazing,” they tell the hen, “a two pound egg, that’s unheard of! 

Do you have any goals for the future?”

“Yes, I’m really aiming for a four pounder!” says the hen proudly.

“And you, sir, congratulations,” the reporters approach the rooster, “what are your goals for the...

What’s a question you can ask a fat hooker in both the USA and UK?

“How many pounds are you?”

Where does a 300 pounds gorilla sit?

Where he wants.

If you find 400 pounds on the street in England, you're a lucky man...

If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.

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I remember the first time I had sex...

I was so nervous. My hands were shaking, and my heart was pounding so hard.

Of course, it was also the first time I'd ever held someone at gunpoint as well.

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office

... whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small p...

A calculus joke:

A 120 pound camera sits atop a tripod. How much force does each leg hold?

Whoops. Meant to type 130. Forgot that the camera adds 10 pounds.

10 years ago today I lost 120 pounds...

Sure don't miss her!!

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Turner Brown

A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The l...

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