Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

A guy walks into a store and says to the clerk, “I’d like a pound of kielbasa please.”

The clerk looks at him, squints his eyes, and says, “You’re Polish, aren’t cha?”

The man looks surprised and says, “Now how did you know that? Was it because I asked for the national meat of Poland? Or did something else give it away?”

The clerk replies, “It’s because this is a hardwar...

My neighbor once ordered 5 gallons of paint. They screwed up and sent him a 10 pound bucket of Sodium.

That happened years ago and he is still salty about it.

Heisenberg weighs 145 pounds.

He's a welterweight Walter White.

The pound is way more fun than the zoo

They swap out the animals every week!

My son said: "Dad, once I reach 99 pounds, I will eat one pound of nachos.

Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son."

I lost 100 pounds!

I guess the casino really does always win.

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are fuckups, there are royal fuckups, and then there was NASA crashing a spaceship because they confused pounds and kilos.

That was an *Imperial* fuckup.

My British friend told me he lost 50 pounds.

He seemed really upset when I congratulated him.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" screams the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife....

Taylor Swift is dropping albums like I’m dropping pounds

Only two, but still more than anyone expected.

How did Jared Fogle lose 40 pounds?

He broke up with his girlfriend.

Coos busted a thief who stole 42,000 pounds of pistachios

But the thief will plead not guilty due to insanity because what he stole was nuts

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tried telling my girlfriend she needed to lose a few pounds ...

... but it blew up into a huge-ass argument.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wake up at around 7am to hear this pounding at my door as if it’s about to cave in

So I open the door and I see this 6ft cockroach. Before I can even ask him how’s he doing he picks me up and flings me across the hallway of my house. Moving at rapid speed he’s got me in a headlock and delivers some devastating punches. I’m gutted to say I passed out from the sheer pain. Next day w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

A: Put a nipple on it.

My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.

"I hope you win" was not the correct response.

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds

He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally...

What do you call 2000 pounds in Chinese?

Wonton.

This weird woman was pounding my door at 4am. I had no idea who she was.

So I had to let her out.

What's a fast way to lose ten pounds of ugly weight?

Cut off your head.

I recently adopted an African child. He, was just 7 pounds!

Plus shipping, of course.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd.”

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, m’am?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose.”

Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"

L...

Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds...

Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk

Psychology is key

When the children passed an old house on their way home from school, they were always rubbing their sticks on the balcony railing and enjoying the sound. The older owner, who had been bothered by the noise for a long time, had a really good idea instead of scolding the kids.

He called the chi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a grocery store and says "I want half a pound of butter"

He looks and sees shelves completely covered with boxes of salt. All over the grocery store, hundreds and hundreds of boxes of salt. So he says to the grocer, “Listen, I don’t want to pry, but do you sell a lot of salt?” And the grocery man says, “Me, if I’ll sell a box of salt a month, I’m luck...

My girlfriend gained 50 pounds and can now predict the weather.

She fancies herself a meatierologist.

A fully loaded tractor-trailer carrying 80,000 pounds of Tylenol skidded off an icy bridge, and ended up in the mighty Mississippi.

...Resulting in river failure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official chuckle...

Between a 200-pound woman and a 200-pound rock, which is heavier?

The woman. She lied about her weight.

What happens when two dogs breed in a pound?

Dog pound dog pounds dog pound dog.

What do you call a 400 pound alcoholic?

A heavy drinker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a pound of cherries stuck in my ass once.

It really was the pits.

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

I lost over 300 pounds in 2004 - 2006

It was a long divorce, but I do feel so much lighter now!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*NSFW* John is sent to prison and he meets his 6’8” 320 pound cell mate

Cell mate says, “We are going to be here a long time, so you choose whether you want to be the husband or the wife?”

John is scared but he knows what to pick to make his life a little easier, “I’ll be the husband” he says confidently.

Cell mate, “ Good, now come here and suck your wife...

The World Health Organisation has confirmed canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds.

WHO let the dogs out.

An American wins 2000 pounds gambling in Britain.

As he receives his winnings, all he can say is:

“That’s a ton of money”

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

A guy runs into a bar says to the bartender

"Quick! Give me 50 shots of your best whiskey!"

The bartender lays out 50 shot glasses and fills them with the best whiskey he has.

The man pounds them down, one immediately after another.

After the last glass, the bartender says "Wow! I've never seen anyone take that many shots...

I lost 216 pounds.

Never going to another British casino again...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy is sitting on a park bench,

Eating 5 pounds of chocolate. He's eating, eating, eating, really having the time of his life. As he finishes the bag, an old man walks up to him and says "Son, you know it's really not good to eat so much chocolate! You'll get diabetes, high cholesterol, it can really cause serious medical issues."...

A pastor was leaving a graveside service, when he noticed a man sobbing, pounding the ground with his fists, and yelling as he knelt before a grave.

He decided to see if the man needed help or comfort and as he drew closer he heard the man yelling, "Why did he die! Why did he have to die!?"

The pastor knelt beside the man and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss, I'm a pastor, if there's anything I can do, I'll be glad to help. Was this your...

A man moves in an old apartment

He notices the place is ridden with moths. Not knowing what to do, he calls his mother who tells him to buy some mothballs.

He goes to a nearby store and buys a pound of mothballs. The next day, he goes back and buys another pound. That same day he returns and buy yet another pound.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I lost 450 pounds!

I accidentally added an extra zero on venmo and Nigel still hasn't given my money back.

Fuck you Nigel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache

Had a case of cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"E...

A small town in Ireland solicits bids to build a fountain in the town square. Three builders respond.

The town clerk schedules all three interviews for the same day. The builders arrive and are escorted into the clerk's office. There's a builder from Galway, a builder from Mayo, and finally Casey, a master builder from County Cork.

The first to be interviewed is the builder from Galway. "How ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Poodle, a Cocker Spaniel & a Great Dane are sitting in a veterinarian's waiting room.

The Great Dane asks, "What are you fellas here for?" The Poodle says, " The other night my owner had his boss and his wife over for dinner. I'd been feeling frisky all day and the wife's leg was looking good, so I jumpd up and started humping the heck out of it. She freaked out, my owner was furiou...

The misunderstanding (joke)

One day, a man from America who has recently moved to Britain, is meeting with an employer. The employer says “ hi, it’s nice to meet you! So what did you do for a living in America?”. The man replies “oh,I was a baker”, but because of the different accents, the employer heard “ oh, I was a banker “...

At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds....

...Only 15 pounds to go!

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at t...

A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?"

The blonde nods. "But, I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man and a woman in a parked car at a drive in movie.

They were having sex in the back-seat of a small sports car when the man suddenly slipped a disk in his back! He was stuck, he couldn't move at all and neither could his girlfriend, she was pinned nude beneath her 250 pound lover. They were desperate to get out so she managed to reach over the front...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is this dude who's in a lift going down from the fifth floor of a hospital

When the lift reaches third floor it stops and a woman he knows gets in.

He goes like "Hey Meg what you doing in the hospital?"

Meg "oh!! hi Carl I just come to sell some blood, they pay you here you know? 50 pounds each time I come! But tell me about you is all okey??"

Carl " Y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A morbidly obese man

visits his doctor.

“Doc,” he says, “I can’t stand being this fat anymore. Please help.”

“Alright, let’s get to work”, replies the doctor. After many months of diet and exercise, the man winds up loosing hundreds of pounds. An unfortunate side effect though is that he has all this loos...

Polish guy goes into a store

"I'd like a pound of Kielbasa"

Clerk: you must be a Polack

Pole: why do you say that? If I asked for bratwurst, would you call me a Kraut?

Clerk: No

Pole: If I asked for Italian Sausage, would you call me a Dago?

Clerk: No

Pole: then why are you calling me a...

What weighs more: A pound of feathers, or a pound of dogs?

The dogs. A pound can house many of them and even a pomeranian weighs at least a few pounds.

Once, there was a man

Once there was a man, this man had a problem. Because of this problem, he decided to go to a psychologist. He got in the car and went to the psychologist. She went inside and sat.

Psychologist: "tell me. What kind of trouble are you having?“he said. He said, " Every time I try to sleep, I ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A competition in the pub

A guy walks into a new pub and notices that there’s a jar full of ten pound notes.

so he asks the barman “what’s with the jar?” The barman explains, if you put a tenner in the jar and complete 3 tasks then you win all the money in the jar. He agrees and hands over a ten pound note.

“Ri...

I lost 15 pounds

But in my defense, babies are easy to misplace.

A girl once told me, “If you lost about 50 pounds you’d be cute”

I told her, “if I lost 50 pounds I’d be talking to your friends!”

Edit:
Credit: Felipe Esparza

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guys! Guys! I just lost over 200 pounds!!!

Fuck online casinos

A pound of brains

Did you know there is a place in Africa where they literally sell human brains for consumption? It's like a delicacy or something over there. Crazy right? They have brains from all over the world you can buy for all kinds of different prices. You just pay by the pound. Well do you know where the mos...

3 Guys are waiting in line to enter heaven

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first guy, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've sus...

Not fat, just short.

According to the BMI chart, at the doctors office, I don’t need to lose 25 pounds! I do need to grow about six inches but hey, it beats dieting!

I have lost about 10 pounds!

While I think that is pretty impressive, my sister is screaming at me to go find her baby...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

< Athletes foot! >

I made up this joke in 2010

........................................................

A very active runner was hit by a power shovel. The affect was to shear his privates off. When he got to the hospital the doctor tried to reattach it, but to no avail. The doctor then noticed that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

in for a penny, in for a pound

A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a $5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, “Wait, why’d you throw in the $5 bill?” He replied, “Well I...

A man was arrested for having 5 pounds of cocaine stashed in boxes of Lucky Charms.

The police found the whole ordeal as "magically suspicious".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Weight loss center

Fat guy walks into a radical new weight loss center, that guarantees results.

Receptionist: How many pounds do you want to lose today?
Guy: Today?! Yeah, right, let's say 2.
Receptionist: 1st floor please, room 12, you have 3 hours.

He walks in a large empty room, sees a beauti...

I lost 13 pounds by walking yesterday

To you americans thats about $17

Why didn’t USA switch from pounds to grams?

Because of mass outrage.

What do you call a mark hamil when he weighs 2000 pounds?

Hamilton

A guy tried lifting 40 pound dumbbells

"This is too much." He decided.

He spent his money on cheaper dumbbells

I'm on a diet

Thats why I eat pound cake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

True story about quick thinking as a dad:

When my kids were little they would visit grandma and her old wood floor gave them splinters if they were barefoot. Every weekend I would end up pulling splinters out of their toes and feet. They would howl something fierce but once the splinter was out they would be so glad.

Cut to a year l...

I've lost 8 pounds in the last fortnight.

For the Americans amongst you that means about 10 dollars in the last two weeks.

“I lost 5 pounds.” “That’s good for your health!”

The colombians disagree.

A man is sitting in a train

and watches the guy on the other side of the aisle take an apple out of his pocket, cutting it open, picking out the seeds and chewing them.

“Why are you chewing the seeds?”
“They make me smarter”
“Really? Could I have some?”
“Sure, dollar a piece”

The man agrees and gets thr...

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him...

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

A man finds out his wife is having an affair, so he calls his mate, arty, who will do anything for a pound, to murder them.

"Arty" says the cheated husband. "I want you to kill my wife and her lover."
"Okay" replies Arty, but I'll only do it if you give me a pound!"
So arty follows them both around the local shop, and as they get to the fruit and veg section he strangles the man then the woman.
The following ...

What do you call a 300 pound Green Bay Packer fan?

Anorexic

If I had a pound coin for everytime I had no clue what was going on

i'd just be wondering why I have so much money

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes


The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account...

Funny joke

What does an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?
They both like to go home and pound cold ones.

A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

I'm recovering from surgery, and my doctor said I couldn't lift more than ten pounds.

I haven't been able to use the bathroom by myself in a week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an American prostitute and a British prostitute?

You can have sex with 200 pounds.

The political parties can't agree on what a second economic stimulus package should look like. Democrats want every American to receive a $1,200.00 check, while Republicans favor giving everybody 10 pounds of Parmesean cheese.

The GOP wants to "Make America Grate Again".

I’ve found an easy way to lose three hundred pounds quickly!

Well... that’s the last time I bet large sums at the casino.

How to weigh a pig

A farmer is out in the field with his client, who is there to buy a pig, as they are walking along the client asks him, "how much does this pig weigh?"

The farmer pulls the pig out, puts his tail in his mouth and says, "she's 245 pounds easy."

Astonished, the client thinks he's being f...

It's never too late to lose weight.

My dad lost 130 pounds moments before we spread his ashes.

How many cops does it take to tackle a 120 pound female protestor?

All of them

(long) Life lessons learned on a farm.

One day, a chicken and horse were walking in a field when all of a sudden, the horse fell into a thick bed of mud. Failing to pull him out, the horse said, "Quick! Get the farmer! He'll help me!"

The chicken ran back to the farmhouse and pounded on the door, but no one answered. He dashed in...

I lost 30 pounds in a single day!

All it cost me was an arm and a leg.

Which is heavier, 200 pounds of brick, or 200 pounds of feather?

The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was born with a baby-sized penis

It weights 6 pounds

"How much for dressed chicken?" "$1.28 per pound."

"How much if it's undressed?"

What do you call a 300 pound woman with a yeast infection?

A Whopper with cheese.

Did you hear about the messenger who murdered someone with a 2.2 pound weight?

He said he was just delivering a killergram.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do call a prostitute who prefers British pound as primary payment method?

A quid pro ho

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.

It’s hard to sleep at night, some girl I met kept pounding on my door.

But there’s no way I’m letting her out.

My new year's resolution was to finally lose 50 pounds.

Its going alright! 3 weeks in and I've only got 55 left to lose.

A pound of potato fell on me,

all the eyes were on me.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.