How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Add a nipple to it.

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

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A guy heard about this amazing new weight loss company. All his friends tell him there's nothing like it for losing a quick 5 pound.

A guy heard about this amazing new weight loss company, all his friends tell him there's nothing like it for losing a quick 5 pound. He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, ...

What’s heavier, 100 pounds of feathers or 100 pounds of bricks?

Feathers because the weight of what you did to those birds.

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar.

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.


Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.


T...

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A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy s...

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What’s grey, weighs 500 pounds, and drags along the bottom of the ocean?

Moby’s Dick

I lost 20 pounds

Bet an Englishman on a soccer game and choose the wrong team.

When should you go to the bakery instead of the pound?

When you want a pure bread.

Post Brexit, what will be the difference between a dollar and a British Pound?

A dollar.

What soup weighs two thousand pounds?

Wonton soup.

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When I was a kid, my mother used to send me down to the general store with a dollar. I’d come back with two loaves of bread, a pound of butter, a carton of eggs, and a gallon of milk

You can’t do that any more, there are too many security cameras

I gained about 400 pounds in one night

And all I had to do was rob some British guy

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

I mean really, who does that? Who just walks up, pounds on your door and tells you, “You need to be saved or you’re going to burn!”

The nerve of that fireman...

Breaking News: Thieves break into Wig Factory; Steal 500 pounds of hair.

When questioned by the press, the owner said, "When these guys are caught, there's gonna be hell toupee!"

I found this great new dieting plan that's sure to make you lose a lot of pounds

It's called Brexit

Considering that the hashtag is also called the pound key

#MeToo is just asking for it

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Why does Europe look so sexy all of a sudden?

Because it has lost a few pounds.

Whats heavier? 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers?

The answer is feathers.

If you have 200 pounds of bricks it’s just a pile of bricks. If you have 200 pounds of feathers, you also have to carry around what you did to those poor birds

My wife asked me how much weight I’ve lost since the new year started. I told her 50 pounds.

No way! That’s great, but I hate to say it doesn’t look it. Are you sure?

Well, yes. I’ve lost the same five pounds ten times.

True fact, this week i weighed in at 188 pounds for the first time in forty years. I once maxed out at 288...

But that was too gross.

At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds....

...Only 15 pounds to go!

"Hey, I was supposed to lose 30 pounds in month, I want a refund"

"Sure. How much did you pay for box?"

"30 pounds!"

"Looks like it works like advertised, anything else I can help you with?"

I lost 5 pounds in 10 minutes!

But I wouldn't go in that bathroom for at least an hour...

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What do you do with an English prostitute

You give her a pound, then you give her a pound

A girl once told me, “If you lost about 50 pounds you’d be cute”

I told her, “if I lost 50 pounds I’d be talking to your friends!”

Edit:
Credit: Felipe Esparza

If “#” is often read as “pound,”

then perhaps we should rethink the title of the #metoo movement.

Why do we call "#" a hashtag and not pound?

Because feminists wouldn't appreciate the PoundMeToo movement.

Ten years ago, hashtags were read as pound..

Puts a whole new spin on #meToo

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed...

I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds!

The only problem is I’m British...

I went to the doctor today for a checkup and he showed me on a chart that I'm 20 pounds overweight.

But, I pointed out that using his very same data, *I'm not overweight.* I just need to be 3 inches taller.

A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

A man recently lost 28 pounds just eating chicken.

It’s the only recorded instance of one bird killing two stone.

The most popular guy in school weighs over 300 pounds

People naturally gravitate towards him

Where does a 300 pounds gorilla sit?

Where he wants.

Where does a four hundred pound alien go for exercise?

Planet Fitness

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

If I had a pound for every time I went to the job centre...

I'd be able to afford another pack of cigarettes.

I visited the UK recently and saw a hotel listing for 2000 pounds.

That's a ton of money

How are dog catchers paid?

By the pound!

My friend told me she lost thirty pounds.

...but then I remembered she is British and lost £30 instead. I really should not have congratulated her.

10 years ago today I lost 120 pounds...

Sure don't miss her!!

What is black, white, and gray, has feathers, and weighs almost four and a half pounds?

Two-kilo mockingbird.

They say the camera adds ten pounds

But after meeting a few girls online I'm convinced it takes away at least thirty

I get that the “#me too” movement is supposed to be empowering...

But they could’ve picked a better slogan than “PoundMeToo”

How do you get a pound of meat out of a fly?

Unzip it

What do you call an eight-thousand pound gorilla?

Sir

If you find 400 pounds on the street in England, you're a lucky man...

If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.

I lost 164 pounds in the last 6 months with this one simple trick!

All I did was buy bitcoin

You, too, could lose 100 pounds with Herbalife...

...Simply by paying British money to sign up.

Did you hear about the terrorist who was charged for putting a pound of C4 into a steer?

Abombinabull!!

An obese man wants to lose a few pounds, goes to see a specialist...

An Obese man wants to lose a few pounds, goes to see a specialist...

He's in the lobby for an hour before the doc calls him in.

Doc: I apologize for your wait.

Man: Don't, *I'm* the one that can't stop eating.

Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week..

Anna: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.

Ben: That's impossible. Whose baby?
Anna: An elephant's.

What's the difference between the US and the UK?

In the USA, the husband is glad to see his wife lose a few pounds.

What is the easiest way to lose 200 pounds of ugly fat ?

Divorce him.

A guy and his girlfriend are lifting 1-pound weights together.

He turns to her and says, "Babe, I don't think this is working out."

A young, poor boy approaches a cheesemaker...

A young, poor boy approaches a cheesemaker.

"Sir, I am very hungry. I am willing to clean your entire cheese shop for a pound of cheddar. "

The cheesemaker thinks for a moment, decides, and nods. "Forthwith!"

The little boy grabs a broom and vigilantly begins cleaning. ...

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BBC News: "Illegally downloading pirated films is costing hundreds of millions of pounds a year"

Fuck, what site are they downloading them from? It's free for me..

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A lady walks into a supermarket and asks a worker for a pound of tomatoes

The worker replies “I’m sorry lady we don’t have any more tomatoes left”

The lady replies “that’s okay, I’ll do my shopping and come back”

The lady returns to the same worker with a half basket of groceries and asks “excuse me sir, I need a pound of tomatoes”

The worker again t...

A terribly overweight blonde woman goes to her doctor about her weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat vegetables and grains for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you will have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the d...

How did Chef Gordon Ramsay lose 100 pounds in under a month?

He started a swear jar.

Over the past few months I've lost 200 pounds!

Luckily, the police found the thief and returned my money

The chief of police knocks on a woman's door

"Ma'am", he says, removing his hat:

"we have bad and good news"

"bad news first" the woman replies.

"I'm sorry, but a serial killer attacked your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor"

The woman begins crying. "so what's the good news?"

"When...

What's the difference between a Jewish man's wife and a pound of bacon?

Jewish men don't eat bacon.

I'm going to open a dollar store in England

It'll be called Pound Town.

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I lost 125 pounds in one month!

I divorced the bitch.

What is 2000 pounds of Chinese soup?

Won ton.

A friend of mine lost 200 pounds of excess fat and obsolete tissue in a matter of months.

Better still, he felt great about the divorce.

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There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn’t know what to do with him....

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong.

The head nurse replied, ”We don’t know what to do with this baby.”

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, “You should put him into a mental institution.”

”Why?’ asked the head nurse.

“Well..." replied the ...

Started going to the gym and I dropped 10 pounds very quickly.

Thankfully the dumbbell missed my foot.

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Advertisement aren't always what they seemed.

I was a single obese man watching TV.

A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.

So I thought, what the hell and signed up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at my door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about h...

An 800 pound gorilla walks into a bar...

he sits down and the bartender looks at him nervously and says, "What'll it be?"

The gorilla says, "I'll have a Manhattan."

The bartender makes him a Manhattan, hands it to him, says "That'll be 14 bucks," and watches him take a drink. He stares nervously for a minute then says to the ...

Irish hooker..

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.

'Twenty pounds,' she whispers.

Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all o...

You can easily make money by collecting helium and selling it for a dollar per pound.

No weight, that doesn't make any cents...

I'm happier and healthier now that I've lost 180 pounds (81.6 kg) of ugly fat!

Thanks Divorce^TM !

I lost 40 pounds in a day;

but I also lost my babysitting job.

What do you call a 350-pound stripper?

Broke.

If I had a pound for every time someone called me lazy

I'd have enough money to not need a job

If I had a pound for every email I got about data protection...

Well that's private

If you're broke you can just go eat a lot in london. You will profit as you gain pounds.

Only works if American.

I lost over a hundred pounds last week

That's the last time I'll gamble in a British casino.

A British tourist visits a brothel in Germany

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. ...

I never realized British coins were so heavy

They can really add up to pounds.

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