If the Americans change from pounds to kilograms overnight,

there will be mass confusion.

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What do call a prostitute who prefers British pound as primary payment method?

A quid pro ho

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He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, As his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards..... forwards then backwards..... back and forth.. In and out.. in and out.. Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush & she started to grunt and groan Then she let out one almighty scream!!!

"I can't park this fucking car! you do it you smug bastard'!

I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet

Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.

How to burn 3500 calories ( a pound of fat) in your sleep!

Sleep for 55 hours.

What's the easiest way to lose 100 pounds in under a minute?

Go to a British casino.

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

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My dad always bragged to us about his three pound shits

He was always so full of crap.

I ordered 2000 pounds of Chinese soup

It was won ton.

Without anyone's help, I created mints that each weigh 1/16 of a pound...

I make my own announcemints now.

A long lost friend came back to me weighting 100 more pounds

I said wow you look more energic!

He askes why

I explained E=MC²

He's "Physicaly" more "attractive"!

My tinder profile says I'm 6 feet, 2 inches, and 195 pounds, but the girls I match with are always furious when we meet.

I guess they don't realize those are three separate measurements.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Add a nipple to it.

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Lose 10Kg/22 Pounds a week or get double your money back !

A guy is reading his newspaper and stops on an ad:

"***Lose 5 Kg /11 Pounds in one week or we will pay you back twice your money, guaranteed !***"

He goes to the adress and the hostess at the reception collect the payment and shows the client a room saying: enter here you will see ...

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I lost 20 pounds with Weightwatchers...

They took my money and I weigh the same.

In one week I lost 50 pounds!

How much is that in US dollars?

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the
door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is p...

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Going to the gym has changed my life. I dropped 20 pounds

On my foot. Shit’s broken and I can’t walk now.

I lost 10 pounds last month.

But don't worry I found it again, and 10 more.

Your friend say they are fat but they are really 120 pounds so you ask in what world are they fat?

A third world.

Did you know that an elephant can carry up to nearly 20,000 pounds?

I wish I had that kind of money on me.

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My Landlord got rid of 250 pounds of worthless crap.

He evicted me.

If I had a pound for every time you farted...



I'd be stinking rich!

My son just had his first day at the British Museum, his first task was to guard a multi million pound glass vase...

Apparently he said he smashed it!

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed...

Which is heavier - 1000 pounds of feathers or 1000 pounds of bricks?

The feathers are heavier - you also have to carry the guilt of plucking all those chickens.

How did Joan lose 240 pounds?

She got a divorce.

I lost 100 pounds in a week.

I should really start spending more carefully.

If I had a pound for every time I got confused by measurements.

I’d have 454 grams by now.

baby gained twenty pounds in a week

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.

I’ve always wanted to know how many pounds it would take to crush a man’s chest and after an accident at work yesterday I finally got my answer.

£51,839

A girl once told me, “If you lost about 50 pounds you’d be cute”

I told her, “if I lost 50 pounds I’d be talking to your friends!”

Edit:
Credit: Felipe Esparza

New study finds that women with few extra pounds live longer

than men who mention about them

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When I was a kid, my mother used to send me down to the general store with a dollar. I’d come back with two loaves of bread, a pound of butter, a carton of eggs, and a gallon of milk

You can’t do that any more, there are too many security cameras

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What’s grey, weighs 500 pounds, and drags along the bottom of the ocean?

Moby’s Dick

I lost 40 pounds this year.

On an unrelated note, if you see a 6 year old boy with brown hair and brown eyes. Please contact me.

I joined a gym and lost 10 pounds in first week.

They canceled my membership.

I gained about 400 pounds in one night

And all I had to do was rob some British guy

Post Brexit, what will be the difference between a dollar and a British Pound?

A dollar.

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office

... whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small p...

Considering that the hashtag is also called the pound key

#MeToo is just asking for it

I found this great new dieting plan that's sure to make you lose a lot of pounds

It's called Brexit

Whats heavier? 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers?

The answer is feathers.

If you have 200 pounds of bricks it’s just a pile of bricks. If you have 200 pounds of feathers, you also have to carry around what you did to those poor birds

I lost 20 pounds

Bet an Englishman on a soccer game and choose the wrong team.

A blind blond guy walks into a bar and yells out, "Hey! Do you all want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"

One of the patrons takes the guy aside and says, "Look, buddy. The bartender is blond. The 400-pound wrestler sitting near the window is blond. The armed police officer sitting at the bar is blond. The lawyer sitting at the back of the bar close to the washrooms is blond. The martial arts guy sittin...

When should you go to the bakery instead of the pound?

When you want a pure bread.

A man is walking home alone...

A man is walking home alone...


A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street ...

One night, a Boston police officer knocked on a woman's door.

"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news".

"Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies.

The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor."

The woma...

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.”

The second bull says, “That pretty much says...

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A guy walks into a bar

He sits down and orders a scotch, he takes a few sips and notices a jar filled with 20 dollar bills on the counter. He asks the bartender, " what's with the jar?" The bartender replies, "you put in a 20 to enter, if you complete the 3 challenges I give you, you get all the money in the jar." The guy...

How do you make a lawyer in a coma better?

With a pillow and about five pounds of pressure

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I am never trusting in British girl again

She told me she's 400 pounds
and when we met she was a skinny ass model.

Wtf is wrong with people these days.

A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

I mean really, who does that? Who just walks up, pounds on your door and tells you, “You need to be saved or you’re going to burn!”

The nerve of that fireman...

At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds....

...Only 15 pounds to go!

I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds!

The only problem is I’m British...

"Hey, I was supposed to lose 30 pounds in month, I want a refund"

"Sure. How much did you pay for box?"

"30 pounds!"

"Looks like it works like advertised, anything else I can help you with?"

A man recently lost 28 pounds just eating chicken.

It’s the only recorded instance of one bird killing two stone.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

If “#” is often read as “pound,”

then perhaps we should rethink the title of the #metoo movement.

Guy walks into a funeral home

He tells the receptionist, “my wife is dying, and i need to buy a gravesite.”

Receptionist says, “sure, no problem. Just fill out this paperwork and we’ll get the process started.”

Guy says, “well you should know up front this might get complicated. See, my wife weighs 800 pounds.”
...

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

My wife asked me how much weight I’ve lost since the new year started. I told her 50 pounds.

No way! That’s great, but I hate to say it doesn’t look it. Are you sure?

Well, yes. I’ve lost the same five pounds ten times.

Breaking News: Thieves break into Wig Factory; Steal 500 pounds of hair.

When questioned by the press, the owner said, "When these guys are caught, there's gonna be hell toupee!"

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What's the similarity between a bad boxer and a porn star?

They both take a pounding in the ring.

Ten years ago, hashtags were read as pound..

Puts a whole new spin on #meToo

The Queen of England’s coin purse must weigh a lot.

Like millions of pounds.

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

Guy walks into a bar...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent....

An American and a Soviet get into an argument about their governments

The American said,"In my country I can walk into the oval office, pound the president's desk and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running our country.'"

The Russian said,"I can do that."

The American said,"You can?"

The Russian said,"Yes, I can go into the Kr...

A Young Scotsman leaves home and moves to New York.

After six months his mum calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans.“Horrible,” he says. “They’re always yelling and screaming. I hate how they constantly pound on the walls and stomp the floors.”“How do you get by?” she asks.“I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes,” says the lad.

I lost 5 pounds in 10 minutes!

But I wouldn't go in that bathroom for at least an hour...

So this is how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree...

Santa Claus was in a very bad mood. All the reindeer had colds,Rudolph's nose went out. The elves screwed up most of the toys. Mrs. Claus was nagging him and she burnt the Christmas cookies. Just when he hooks his brand new red suit on a nail hanging out of the wall he told an elf to pound in a wee...

Where does a 300 pounds gorilla sit?

Where he wants.

I went to the doctor today for a checkup and he showed me on a chart that I'm 20 pounds overweight.

But, I pointed out that using his very same data, *I'm not overweight.* I just need to be 3 inches taller.

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.

10 years ago today I lost 120 pounds...

Sure don't miss her!!

The most popular guy in school weighs over 300 pounds

People naturally gravitate towards him

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Paddy is on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire "

and he is doing rather well. He is at the final question for a million pounds with Chris Tarrant (The UK host), he has only one life line left....phone a friend.

The question comes: "Which bird does not make a nest?,:

A) a Sparrow, B) a Swallow, C) a Blackbird or D) a Cuckoo

Pad...

If you find 400 pounds on the street in England, you're a lucky man...

If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.

Brits are pounding their fists at Brexit.

Whilst Brexit is really fisting the Pound.

I visited the UK recently and saw a hotel listing for 2000 pounds.

That's a ton of money

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

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I was staying in a crappy motel. In the middle of the night a beautiful woman woke me up by pounding on the door and begging me to open it. I felt so bad...

... that I decided to let her out.

Where does a four hundred pound alien go for exercise?

Planet Fitness

My neighbor pounded on my door at 2:30am last night! Can you believe that?! 2:30am!

Fortunately, I was still up practicing my bagpipes.

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

They say the camera adds ten pounds

But after meeting a few girls online I'm convinced it takes away at least thirty

A boy asks a girl to prom

So there's this boy in highschool, around 16 years old and he very nervously and timidly asks this beautiful girl out to prom. Out of his league and the most beautiful I'm the school. He's shocked and quite startled when he hears "id love to go!" Leave her lips.
Short on time with days till or, h...

An Irish Painter

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.

One ...

I lost 164 pounds in the last 6 months with this one simple trick!

All I did was buy bitcoin

My neighbor is so inconsiderate!

He came pounding on my front door at 4am.

Thankfully I was already awake practicing my drum solo, but very rude!

How do you get a pound of meat out of a fly?

Unzip it

What is black, white, and gray, has feathers, and weighs almost four and a half pounds?

Two-kilo mockingbird.

A shifty looking guy in a kilt walks into a London pub

He orders a pint and very very carefully puts down the plastic bag he is carrying.

The bartender asks "What's that?"

The guy answers "6 pounds of explosives"

"Thank Christ for that" says the barman, "I thought it might be bagpipes."

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