UPJOKE

### When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag

Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message

### What's heavier? 200 pounds of bricks, or 200 pounds of feathers?

The answer is the feathers. Not only do you have to carry 200 pounds of feathers, but you have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

### A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door...

The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some dru...

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### An Irish man bursts into a bar and demands a beer. He pounds it and slams it back and demands another. The bartender asks what's wrong?

The Irish man angrily slams the second beer and says, "You know, you build 100 roads for the community. But do they call you Seamus the road builder? No!"

He orders another beer and slams it back. "You build 1000 walls for the villages. But do they call you Seamus the wall builder? No!"
...

### Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### What’s the difference between the dollar and the pound?

I didn’t dollar your mom’s ass last night.

### A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for \$1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

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### A skinny little white guy walks into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 15 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy s...

### I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

### To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night:

I'm not letting you out.

### A girl once told me, “If you lost about 50 pounds you’d be cute”

I told her, “if I lost 50 pounds I’d be talking to your friends!”

Edit:
Credit: Felipe Esparza

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### Where does an 800 pound gorilla sleep?

Wherever the fuck he wants.

### A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

### Everyone thinks pound cake is called "pound cake" because of the ingredients

But it's actually named after the place it was invented, "Pound Town",

You know, where your mom lives.

### What’s the fastest way to lose 150 pounds?

Get booked at the Fulton County Jail

### What is Ronald McDonald's approach to dating?

Court her. Pound her.

### What weighs more? A pound of steal, or a pound of feathers?

The feathers. Because you need to add the weight of what you’ve done.

### In my town there’s a Journey Church, a Journey Dog Pound & a Journey Cemetery

And they all share the same tagline.

We Have a Spot for You

### What weighs more: A pound of feathers, or a pound of dogs?

The dogs. A pound can house many of them and even a pomeranian weighs at least a few pounds.

### I get that the “#me too” movement is supposed to be empowering...

But they could’ve picked a better slogan than “PoundMeToo”

### I lost 40 pounds in a day;

but I also lost my babysitting job.

### A man lost 100 pounds after an experimental surgery

He was mugged on the way home

### A man recently lost 28 pounds just eating chicken.

It’s the only recorded instance of one bird killing two stone.

### Taylor Swift is dropping albums like I’m dropping pounds

Only two, but still more than anyone expected.

### I made a New Year resolution to lose 20 pounds !

Only 24 pounds to go !

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### "So, I guess you've never been with a prostitute before then." She said.

I replied "Well, No, but how can you tell?"

She said "Look, don't worry about it, just take the pound coins out my vagina and we'll start again."

### Last night I dreamt I ate a five pound marshmallow.

When I woke up, my five pound marshmallow was gone!

### I’ve lost seven pounds this week…

or, as my girlfriend calls it, ‘the baby’.

### Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

### If the camera really does add 10 pounds

Do Ethiopian kids even exist?

### If you pound chicken with a clay oven…

Does that tandoorize it?

Won Ton

### A man walks into a grocery store and says, "Three pounds of potatoes, please."

The cashier responds, "Sorry, we only sell kilos now."

"Ah, too bad. Three pounds of kilos, then."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Have you heard about the new sex position called the Liz Truss?

That's when you give her a weak Pound, then immediately leave the House.

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### A guy is walking by a gym, when he notices a sign out front that reads "Lose 5 Pounds in 10 Minutes Guaranteed!"

Curious, he enters the gym. He asks about the sign and the clerk tells him it's legit, but it costs \$100. The clerk also tells him that if he doesn't lose 5 pounds, he gets his money back.

The guy shrugs and lays \$100 on the counter. He is led to a large, empty room covered in floor mats. ...

### A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“W...

### 18 pounds at birth

A Scotsman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.
After he hangs up, he orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Scottish baby boy weighing 18 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 1...

### My neighbor pounded on my door at 2:30am last night! Can you believe that?! 2:30am!

Fortunately, I was still up practicing my bagpipes.

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### A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guys picks up a hammer, gives the ...

### why did people start calling the pound symbol hashtag

Because pound me too doesnt get the point across

### - Dad, can I borrow 10 pounds?

- 15 pounds? Why do you need 20 pounds?

### The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

### If “#” is often read as “pound,”

then perhaps we should rethink the title of the #metoo movement.

### My city's hookers are putting on a charity event to support local animal shelters.

They're calling it pound-for-pound!

### A man is working out with a blonde nearby

He gets hot while doing his sets so he takes off his shirt. The blonde winks and says "Wow, you've got some nice pecs there."

The man smirks and says "100 pounds of pure dynamite, babe." and returns to his workout. A few minutes go by and he gets hotter so he takes off his pants.

The b...

### An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that ...

### I can bench press 300 pounds.

Not at the same time, but still...

### Day 1 at the gym and I already lost 3 pounds!

Now it's time to get off the toilet and start my workout.

### In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long.

I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.

Where he wants.

### Best way to lose 10 pounds instantly...

...decapitation.

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### Five people have been found guilty of conspiracy to supply millions of pounds worth of counterfeit Viagra.

The judge described them as hardened criminals

### A man went into a bar with his 180 pound Irish Wolfhound.

“Hey!” said the bartender. “You ca’t bring that animal in here!”

“Wait a minute,” said the guy. “This isn’t just a dog. He can talk!”

“Sure,” sneered the bartender. “I bet you 500 bucks he can’t!”

“Okay, you’re on!” said the man as he turned to his dog and said, “Here boy! Now t...

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### A man is showing off his new apartment...

After a night at the bar, he brings his friends up, where he has large brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with the gong and mallet?" One of his friends asked.

"It's not a gong, it's a talking clock," the man replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?"

"Yup."

"How's it wor...

Its relative.

### I lost 15 pounds

But in my defense, babies are easy to misplace.

### I lost 50 pounds in the past month

Investing money in the London stock market wasn't a good idea.

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### if I had a pound for every woman that didnt want to have sex with me

...I'd eventually have enough to pay for one that would

### It’s just cost me 1 whole pound to put air in my tires

5 years ago it used to cost me 20p. Suppose that’s inflation for you

### Two men are in a pub...

“I want to kill my wife”, says one. “Why not ask Arti, over there”, says the other man, pointing to a man at the fruit-machine. “Arti over there is a top hitman” the friend goes on. So the man approaches Arti. “Are you Arti the hitman?” asks the man. “Sure am”, replies Arti. “You couldn’t murder my ...

### What's the difference between Yo Momma and a water buffalo?

How do you change that?

Force-feed the buffalo or shave yo momma.

(I almost feel bad for trotting out a joke older than most Redditors but I can't.)

### My British friend told me he lost 50 pounds.

He seemed really upset when I congratulated him.

### My son said: "Dad, once I reach 99 pounds, I will eat one pound of nachos.

Then I will be 99% your son and 1% nacho son."

### My favourite joke

So a guy goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.

The barman replies: one pound please. The guy says back: only one pound?!
The barman replies: aye only a pound.

The guy takes his pint and enjoys it and after a few more pints at a pound each the guy feels cheeky....

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### in for a penny, in for a pound

A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a \$5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, “Wait, why’d you throw in the \$5 bill?” He replied, “Well I...

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### I lost 450 pounds!

I accidentally added an extra zero on venmo and Nigel still hasn't given my money back.

Fuck you Nigel.

A heavy drinker.

### A guy tried lifting 40 pound dumbbells

"This is too much." He decided.

He spent his money on cheaper dumbbells

### The pound is way more fun than the zoo

They swap out the animals every week!

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### A Texan buys a round of drinks...

.. for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just gave birth to "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations resounded. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How mu...

### I would love to lose a few pounds.

But I never lose. I'm a winner!

### I lost 100 pounds!

I guess the casino really does always win.

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### A guy walks into a grocery store and says "I want half a pound of butter"

He looks and sees shelves completely covered with boxes of salt. All over the grocery store, hundreds and hundreds of boxes of salt. So he says to the grocer, “Listen, I don’t want to pry, but do you sell a lot of salt?” And the grocery man says, “Me, if I’ll sell a box of salt a month, I’m luck...

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### *NSFW* John is sent to prison and he meets his 6’8” 320 pound cell mate

Cell mate says, “We are going to be here a long time, so you choose whether you want to be the husband or the wife?”

John is scared but he knows what to pick to make his life a little easier, “I’ll be the husband” he says confidently.

Cell mate, “ Good, now come here and suck your wife...

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### Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says:
"When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The secon...

### What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?

Beer Nuts are \$1.50 a pound. Deer Nuts are under a Buck

### What's the easiest way to lose 20 pounds?

The Steam summer sale

### What is the hardest way to lose 6-14 pounds?

Having a baby!

Happy Mother's Day!

### What happens when two dogs breed in a pound?

Dog pound dog pounds dog pound dog.

### This weird woman was pounding my door at 4am. I had no idea who she was.

So I had to let her out.

### [Soviet] What’s the true price relation between the pound, the ruble and the dollar?

A pound of rubles is worth a dollar.

### Heisenberg weighs 145 pounds.

He's a welterweight Walter White.

### A pound of potato fell on me,

all the eyes were on me.

### A guy walks into a store and says to the clerk, “I’d like a pound of kielbasa please.”

The clerk looks at him, squints his eyes, and says, “You’re Polish, aren’t cha?”

The man looks surprised and says, “Now how did you know that? Was it because I asked for the national meat of Poland? Or did something else give it away?”

The clerk replies, “It’s because this is a hardwar...

### How did Jared Fogle lose 40 pounds?

He broke up with his girlfriend.

### This simple change in lifestyle will help you lose 2 pounds every week!

Just invest in the British stock market

### A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

### I lost 216 pounds.

Never going to another British casino again...

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### Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker .

**He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.**
**“One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout. “No! Five pounds!” he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.**
**This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She’d...

Losing pounds

### Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight gue...

Anorexic

### Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

### Terrorist holding dad at gunpoint-

Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"

Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"

Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"

Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I sa...

### The Dog Pound

Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are going to put me to sleep."

The German Shepher...

### Ten years ago, hashtags were read as pound..

Puts a whole new spin on #meToo

### "How much for dressed chicken?" "\$1.28 per pound."

"How much if it's undressed?"