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A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his penis

The artist agrees, but is curious and
asks the man why he wants to do this.

The man replies, “I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.”

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill...

Doctors are pretty good artists.

They are great at drawing blood.

Today a Scam Artist was caught.

He had been selling "the Elixir of Immortality".

Police have discovered that he's been caught doing this four separate times, in 2007, 1993, 1987 and 1884.

I used to think it was pretentious that Subway call their staff “Sandwich Artists”.

But I suppose it is the most likely career option for an Art graduate.

Why can't you trust artists?

Because they are always a bit sketchy, a bit shady, and they will always try to frame you. I think you get the picture.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

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If you’re a tattoo artist who gives free tattoos in exchange for being flashed

Are you then a believer of tit for tat?

A woman goes to an artist to have her portrait painted

She tells the artist that she wants him to paint her wearing lots expensive jewelry. Diamonds, gold, pearls, Etc.

The artist says, "But you aren't wearing any."

She replies, "I know, I don't own any either. But if I die, my husband is the kind of man that will get remarried right away...

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I keep hearing people say that vaccines will make you artistic

But I’ve had my shots every year since birth and I still can’t draw for shit!

A new tattoo studio opened in my neighbourhood which offered free sessions to any women who flashed the artist.

It was called 'Tit for Tat'

I asked my artist boyfriend to sketch what our baby might look like, but he must have gotten a vasectomy.

He drew a blank.

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I wanted to be a mime artist

But I’m shit at drawing mimes.

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You may not realize this, but Hitler really was an artist…

I hear he tried his hand at painting too.

I got my tattoo artist to write “Tattoo artists are stupid” on my back.

I thought I got him pretty good until I realized the joke was on me.

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What did the retaliatory Snapchat premium girl say to the tattoo artist?

Tits for tats?

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I hooked up with a martial artist last week.

She floated like a butterfly, and now it stings when I pee.

What's an Etch-A-Sketch artists's worst nightmare?

An earthquake.

I suck at art, but I want to become an artist...

Can anyone recommend me some good vaccines? I hear they make you artistic.

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A homosexual, a con artist and a child molester walk into a bar.

"What can I get you, father," asks the bartender.

Why aren’t there many famous female mime artists?

The glass ceiling.

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A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

I don’t trust caricature artists.

They sketch me out.

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the town's people punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “...

What do you call an artist with a sore throat?

Vincent Van Cough.

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time..

.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, sure. I would love to here it. " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

I quit my job as a crayon artist yesterday.

It wasn't all it was chalked up to be.

What kind of artist draws flies?

The dead artist

I made a diss track about s’mores only one artist said it was hot

Marshmello

Why do ghosts make terrible con artists?

Because you can see right through them

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There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry when you have a cock like mine.

Camera man, light and sound technician, make up artist, or even production manager.

I know a secret joke about an escape artist...

Ah darn it, never mind. It’s already gotten out.

An Irish artist...

by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful y...

How does an artist get around?

Well, quite easel-y.

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What do you call an artist who scratches his butt?

Pick-ass-o

Why are origami artists terrible at poker?

They are constantly folding

I ran into a famous artist at the airport and politely asked if I could take a picture. He said yes and smiled at me.

I don't understand why he suddenly got so angry when I asked if I may keep the frame.

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There’s a painting in a museum

There’s a painting in a museum of 3 naked black men sitting on a bench, but the man in the middle has a pink penis. The artist behind the painting is unknown, and no one really knows why the man in the middle has a pink penis. The curator has a story about how pink represents equality at birth, howe...

What you say when a heavy metal artist die?

Rust in peace

So, an artist, a mathematician, and a fisherman commit a crime

And I was looking at the file and it looks kinda sketchy, it doesn’t add up. There’s definitely something fishy going on.

R Kelly changed the rap game

He took the art out of Rap Artist

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My roommate in college was a weird performance artist who outlined all his paintings using his penis.

I should have never moved in with Dick Tracy.

Did you hear about the deaf man who escaped a murderous gang of mute mime artists?

Yeah, he saw them coming.

My friend the artist told me he didn’t have any cyan, azure, cobalt, navy, royal, or sapphire paint.

That was completely out of the blue.

What do rap fans and classic rock fans have in common?

They both have to worry about their favorite artist dying before the concert

I was talking to a hipster when he asked me my favorite underground artist.

I replied Whitney Houston

An Artist called up the Gallery.

An Artist called up the Gallery to ask about his painting. He was down on his luck and wanted to knows whether he made any profits.

"Oh, yes,'' replied the director. ''I have good news and bad news. Just this morning a gentlemen called and inquired on the price of your work and it's value i...

A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150.

He is a pickup artist.

What would you call a Jewish, Reggae Artist, and a Gangster?

Jew-Mon-G

I went to study under a pickup artist.

Still no luck with women, but my truck looks great.

My art major friend was told the other day, a true artist should please no one but themselves

besides of course, their Starbucks managers

An Austrian, an Artist, and a Fascist walk into a bar

It went all Reich

My artist wife started cheating on me with a psychic...

She did say she wanted to experiment with a new medium.

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A Man Walks Into a Tattoo Shop Asking for $100 bill on penis

A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request. "Uh, are you sure about this sir?"

"Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever."

"Ok. May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particul...

What artist helps you with your workout?

Cardi O

What did the paintbrush say to the artist?

Nothing. Paintbrushes don't talk.



Weirdo.

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of turkey on her right inner thigh

After that she asks for a Christmas tree on her left. The tattoo artist asks her what the point is so she replies

"My husband complains there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

An old lady goes into a tattoo shop and says to the tattoo artist, "I want a tattoo of Elvis Presley on my inner thigh."

The artist agrees and says that he would be happy to do a portrait of Elvis for her.

He finishes up the tattoo and tells the old lady to check it out. She looks down and is furious. "This looks nothing like Elvis! I'm not paying for this!" she yells.

"Are you kidding me? That's th...

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A rapist and con artist gets caught by the sheriff in a small town.

But he gets released because sitting presidents can't be indicted.

What's the difference between an unusual undercooked pasta, and the easing of tensions between a famous parody artist and the singers he parodies?

One is a weird al dente, and the other is a "Weird Al" detente.

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The artist and the museum (long)

An artist is approached by a man who says he's to be the curator of a new museum dedicated to General George Custer and he wanted to hire the artist to paint a mural that was to be the centerpiece of the largest display.

The artist agrees and asks the curator if he had any particular subject...

Why was the high wire artist denied insurance?

Outstanding balance.

I took my first course in 'How to be a sketch artist' only yesterday

And I'm already drawing large crowds.

A struggling artist stops by the studio where his recent work is hanging for sale.

The owner tells him he has good news and bad news.



“The good news is that a man dropped by the studio today and put in an offer to buy every single piece. He just wanted my guarantee that the works would be worth twice what he paid if you were to pass away. I told him they would doubl...

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Con artist warning!

A warning to all the guys:
Two girls have been reported to steal men's wallets.
They use the following scam:
The girls wait in the parking lot of a big superstore. Once they have spotted their victim, they will ask him for a ride to the city.
One will get on the passenger seat, the other...

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An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.

No one can see the piece before it is completed.

Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a m...

Why are soccer players so artistic?

Because every game ends in a DRAW

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

An origami artist wanted for murder, has been sending tantalizing clues to police.

The investigation is unfolding.

What kind of underwear does an artist wear?

Drawers

Artist found dead in home

Details are sketchy

A nude artist dies while climbing Mt Everest

Nobody paid them, they had to do it for the exposure.

What do you call an amputee that does karate?

A partial artist

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistre...

What did the Billboard Top 40 artist say when she broke up with her boyfriend before kicking him out of a helicopter?

new single dropping soon!

Did you hear about the artist that painted nude models for free?

He did it for the exposure.

Military lesson: Never volunteer

During basic training, our sergeant asked if anyone had “artistic” abilities. Having been an architectural draftsman in civilian life, I raised my hand. Then the sergeant announced that everyone would get a three-day pass … except me. I would stay behind and neatly print each soldier’s name onto his...

What do Beethoven and the hiphop artist Lil'Jon have in common?

What?!

What’s the difference between a folder of an artist work and a diseased strong hold?

One’s a portfolio, and the other’s fort polio

An artist thought he had lost his favorite color of paint but...

It was just a pigment of his imagination

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An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business ...

How many country artists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.

One changes the light bulb, the other one makes a song how good the old light bulb was.

Story about Kenny Loggins

Was reading this story today about Top Gun, and found another story about Kenny Loggins. Apparently he was part of a recent program to clone musicians and artists, to isolate and modify the genes responsible for creativity. There was a limit of the number of clones that could be created, and at one ...

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[OC] I saw a Japanese martial artist, I've seen him on tv before so I excitedly waved at him. He was confused and said "I don't believe we've met"

I said "I recognize Judo".

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet–Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland."

When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. A voice calls out, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

I like music by underground artists

Like Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain, Michael Jackson, John Lennon, Bob Marley and Prince.

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A soviet artist is instructed to make a painting about soviet workers

He presents them a painting of what appears to be three naked African men, one of which has a white penis. He is asked by his commissioner. "What the hell is this," he is asked "They're actually coal miners who has finished working and were heading to the showers, I'll have you know!". "Okay, and wh...

People are always amazed at the skilled tattoo artists in Spain.

No one expects the Spanish ink precision

Who was Lenin’s favorite hip-hop artist?

MC Hammer & Sickle

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Why are martial artists so stylish?

Cause they always have kick-ass shoes!

What pen does the annoyed artist use?

Ugh, fine.

What do you call an origami artist from the Philippines?

A Manila folder

An artist had his first gallery showing.

The show was a mild success. He sold a few paintings and met some critics and seemed to make a good impression. But he wasn't feeling well so he made his apologies and went home to bed before the show was over.

The next day he calls the gallery director to see how the rest of the show went....

So whats the deal with latin music artists and their obsession with those little automated vacuum cleaners?

RUMBA!

Ive just been molested by a group of mime artists...

They did unspeakable things to me.

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

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What did the women say to the tattoo artist before flashing him?

Tit for tat?

(I'm sorry in advance. No more internet for me today)

How did the artist with the trust fund pay for all his supplies?

With the money he got from his dada.

This government shutdown has made it so TSA agents can relate to artists.

There is a lot of exposure and no pay.

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Do you know what an artist and a sniper have in common?

Being fucking useless in close quarters

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A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis.

Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.

He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

What's a martial artists favorite drink?

Wata!!

An artist walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I don't like the way the art world is going. I've read that in the future many exhibitions will only feature digital images displayed on plasma screens in darkened, futuristic galleries," he complained to the bartender. "I'm going to miss the art formerly known as prints.

Why did the redneck get colored pencils before he got his flu shot?

He heard that vaccines can make you artistic.

Why do artists hate working in really cold environments?

Because all they get is exposure.

How can you tell Bach was a starving artist?

He was baroque.

Spelling Mistakes

I accidentally made a spelling mistake on my work. I found this out when I get screamed at for it. It is a fairly small mistake, so I don't understand why she is so upset!

Jeez, I'm a tattoo artist, not an english teacher. Calm down, we all make mistakes.

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What do you call an artist with a brown finger?

Picasshole

In the ancient village of Gennemill, there lived the Trids...

The Trids were a happy folk, mostly due to their vast riches. They weren't known for being warriors, or for being artists, or for their architecture, but simply because they had the most gold, an entire mountain of it infact. But one day the powerful dragon, Sorial, swooped down on Gennemill and ove...

What do you call a martial artist who doesn't understand a concept?

Kungfused.

Jackson Pollock is your favorite artist?

Weird flecks, but okay.

What’s the toughest thing for an artist to draw?

A salary.

(Credit to u/arguablytrue)

What do farts and Houdini have in common?

Both are great escape artists, but once the trick is done everybody leaves.

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason...

The details are sketchy

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"

"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."

*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job...

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For all of his faults, Hitler was noteworthy as a dedicated artist.

In fact, the last thing he did before he died was paint the wall of his bunker.

Once bought a painting from a double amputee.

He was an all right artist, but it cost an arm and a leg.

What is a kid artist’s favourite nursery rhyme?

Pop goes the easel.

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