I was attacked by a group of mime artists.

They did unspeakable things to me.

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Why did Hitler fail as an artist?

He refused to mix colors.

An artist has a 6 year old child who also likes to draw

His child drew a horse.

The artist asked, "You drew the horse wrongly."

The child replied, "How did I draw it wrongly?"

The artist said, "Why does the horse have wings?"

The child replied, "Why can't it have wings?"

The artist said, "It isn't a horse if it has wing...

Why shouldn’t you ever date an artist?

I don’t know, they just seem kind of sketchy.

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

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A woman gets a free tattoo after showing the artist one of her breasts.

It was a tit-for-tat situation.

I saw a graffiti artist spraying a police station in a thick font.

Now that is bold.

Who is a grain harvester's favorite musical artist?

Hall'n Oates

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An artist's wife starts having sex with him daily.

While a bit unusual, he didn't question it and just enjoyed the ride. One day, his wife approached him.

"Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What would you like me to draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her, ey...

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Japanese Ministry of Artistic Affairs Warns the Art of Origami is in Decline!

More on this as the story unfolds.

What’s the difference between an artist and a KFC chicken bucket?

A KFC chicken bucket can feed a family of 4

Banksy seems like a trustworthy artist.

Sure he's kind of shady, a bit sketchy, but he's not trying to frame me.

I don't trust artists.

They're really sketchy.

I once insulted an artist about his bad painting

He just brushed it off.

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A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

Did you hear about the artist that was baroque?

He stole the Monet, to buy Degas, to make the Van Gogh...

What do you call a racist 19th century artist ?

Oppressionist

Who’s a hairdresser’s favorite musical artist?

Harry Styles

What surprise did the artist give to the nun?

Unsolicited diptychs

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A Woman goes to a tattoo Artist

“On my right inner thigh, I want a tattoo of John Lennon,”she says. “On my left inner thigh I want a tattoo of Paul McCartney.” The tattoo artist agrees to it and they settle on a price and a day to do the piece.

The day finally comes and the woman arrives early. Although she’s super excit...

What do you call two digital artists in a fight?

Graphic Violence

Me: Being a great artist is all about finding the right medium.

The 5th psychic I’ve been to today: judging by your work here, I see disappointment in your future.

What do you call an artist with plenty of storage?

A drawer.

What do you call a street artist struggling to impregnate his wife?

Blanksy

What's a poor artist's favourite style?

Baroque.

Police just arrested a local artist down the street.

*In the interview with them, they said he looked a little sketchy.*

An artist came out naked after going to the studio

He was paid with exposure

When I’m older and can afford it, I want to commission an artist to make a bust of me

But that’s getting a head of myself.

A lot of people mistake Johnny Cash for a country artist.

I understand though, as far as genres go he walks the line.

In New York there are many tattoo artists from all over the world, but for some reason the artists from Spain have trouble getting business.

Why? Because nobody expects the Spanish ink precision!

My grandpa was an artist. He had an amazing stroke.

That's how he died.

An artist talks to his curator about his recent sales

Artist: "So? Did I sell anything?"

Curator: "You won't believe this: a man came by and asked if the value of the paintings will rise after the artist's death. I told him that I think so. So he bought the entire gallery.

Artist: "Wow! That's great! who was he?"

Curator: "It was y...

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What’s it called when a stripper and a tattoo artist trade services?

Tit for tat.

A magical spanish thief was caught trying to steal an early work of a famous artist

In his defeat, he declared they could keep the work, but he would set himself free on the count of three. He said "Uno...Dos...." and then poof, he vanished without a trace.

My friend is a pickup artist but has no success with women

Its probably because he spends most of his time drawing F-150s

The Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display.
''I have good news and bad news'' the owner replied.
''The good news is that a gentleman enquired if your paintings will increase in value after your death. When I told them they would, he ...

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A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in coma

She notices that whenever she touches the genital area, patient's heart rate increases. She gets the idea that oral sex might help her regain consciousness. The nurse then calls patient's husband and tell him that oral sex might revive her and so the husband agrees to help.

The following nigh...

My guitar teacher was a magician turned artist

So he would always start our lessons with, "Pick a chord, any chord"

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-ye...

What type of bedding does a hip-hop artist sleep on?

A rap sheet.

An artist takes his work to a gallery for the first time.

A well-known art critic happens to be there and spots the painting. He walks over to the young artist.

"Excuse me, would you like my opinion of your painting?"

"Sure," replied the artist.

"Frankly, it's completely worthless."

"I know, but tell it to me anyway."

As an artist, I feel there's no difference performing between normal people and ghost

Cause in the end they just boo at me.

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Woman in the 1800s becomes very upset after seeing the painting an artist had done for her. She says to him, "I tell you I want a painting commemorating my husband's last thoughts, and you give me cows with halos and Indians making love?”

"Miss," he says. "Those are your husband's last thoughts." "Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians."

What do you call an artist who had a vasectomy?

Seriously, does anyone know?

I'm drawing a blank here.

Why was the artist in jail?

Apparently he was framed.

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

It’s hard for artists to live off their craft

Sooner or later they all run out of Monet.

Artists on Reddit are pretty unoriginal

Does every one of them have to call their painting Untitled ?

The government will send a martial artist after you if you violate copyright law

IP Man

My parents were both artists

I call them MoMA and Dada

What's a martial artist's favorite drink?

Wahtahhh!!

So I went into get a flu vaccine today.

The nurse that was administering the Vaccine asked me the prequalifying questions. Have you had a flu vaccine before? Yes. Have you done your research on the vaccine? Yes. Do you understand the possible side effects? Actually I am quite excited about the side effects. She looks at me confused. ...

Q. Why did Germany provide aid to artists hit by coronavirus?

A. They know what happen when painter suffer setbacks.

Everyone knows of famous martial artist, Bruce Lee

But no one ever talks about his family.

His brother, the revolutionary vegetarian activist, Brocco Lee.

His cousin, the hesitant statistician, Probab Lee.

His uncle, the trustworthy politician, Honest Lee.

And of course, the Spanish inquisitor, Juan "Expected" Lee.

An artist is alone and wants to be pleasured (NSFW)

Masturclayshon

If you make 10 drawings, you're not an artist.

If you cook 10 meals, you're not a chef.

But if you kill ONE person...

A gladiator and an artist walked into a spa...

The gladiator sat down across from the artist. After a few minutes the artist noticed that the gladiator had not moved for several minutes so he thought "heck, I'll just draw him a quick picture of himself with my spare time".So the artist began drawing. For hours and hours the gladiator hadn't move...

Breaking News

This just in, world renowned artist Paul Jacobson has been disqualified from this year's Animal Photography Championship due to use of performance enhancing drugs.

This determined after the discovery of polaroids smuggled within his travel bag.

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I wouldn't give my girlfriend money to get a tattoo, so she got one anyway and paid for it by letting the tattoo artist play with her boobs just to get back at me.

It was a real tit-for-tat.

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Tattoo Artist

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist to tattoo John Lennon and Paul McCartney on each of her inner thighs... The artist did his work, bandaged her up and told her to remove them the next week. The lady came back into the store angry as she felt neither tattoo looked like John or Pau...

Freaking auto correct

I got the number of a local artist from one of her works, so I texted her this by accident...



"I want to buy your panties, Leslie."



How embarrassing! Her name is Leela.

Why did the police officer arrest the artist as a murder suspect?

He was a sketchy dude.

I dont like artists

They seem sketchy to me

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A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his penis

The artist agrees, but is curious and
asks the man why he wants to do this.

The man replies, “I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.”

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill...

What is an artist's favorite thing to draw?

Unemployment

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A guy goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis...

Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.

"Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and a hundred dollars seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

Four professionals.

Four friends were going out for coffee when they spotted a hooker, “the worlds oldest profession” says one. The Doctor among them said “No, My profession is the oldest. It says in the Bible that God created woman from Adam’s rib. That’s the work of a surgeon”
“Ahhhh” says the second friend, “but ...

When does the artist die?

When she draws her last breath.

OC I came up with last week

A man goes on his dream vacation to Spain. While there he sees amazing sights, drinks great wine and dances til late at night.

After a few days he starts to get a weird pain in his chest and decides to go to the hospital to check it out. He gets an X-ray and the doctor tells him he has a tum...

The artist named “Feat” has a monopoly on the music industry and should be tracked down.

Every time I see a song, Feat is always on it. This is too suspicious, and must mean he has a monopoly on the recording industry. Maybe he has parents with connections, maybe he is holding someone hostage, or maybe it is something much worse. What is apparent though, is that he is definitely breakin...

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An old lady was on her death bed

She asked her sister to bring the best sculptor in town, and asked him to carve a headstone for her grave, in beautiful lettering, reading “Born Virgin, Lived Virgin, Died Virgin”.

The artist promises her, but after her death he finds out her sister wants to pay just $ 250 for the work. He a...

My favorite high stakes parkour artist hasn't posted in months.

Not only is it a cliffhanger its most likely a cliff faller.

Hip-hop Music Artist Lil' Wayne announced that he's tested positive for COVID-19

The rapper said that he's okay and mostly recovered though, just a lil'weezy.

Pragmatism wins!

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work.

They finally went with mine. “I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said. “No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll...

I asked a tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a pigeon into my pubic region.

He took a look at the picture and agreed to do it for $120.

It looked amazing. So, a couple weeks later, I went back and asked him to give me a matching tattoo on my palm. He looked again at the picture and said, “That will be $240.”

I said, “Why the price jump? You did the exact same...

Why was the photo I took of an artist not good?

It had too much exposure.

What's the difference between an artist's folder and a diseased fortress?

One's a portfolio, the other is Fort Polio.

Everyone knows of famous martial artist, Bruce Lee

He also had a brother, the revolutionary vegan activist, Brocco Lee

what do you call an artist during a global pandemic?

Vincent Van Cough

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Man gets a tattoo of his girls name on his dick...

Her name is Wendy. He had to get hard for the artist to tattoo, so once it shriveled up, you can only see the letters W and Y.

He went to the bathroom one day and stood at a stall next to another gentleman. He decides to have a peek and notices the letters W and Y.

He asks “Hey! You ha...

What type of shoes does an artist wear?

Sketchers.

What do dead artists draw?

Flies

Did you hear about the one man band on the New York subway?

Probably not, he's an underground artist

I hate all 1970s Female Solo Artists

What a bunch of Pre-Madonnas

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People are praising the Germans right now for having an aid package for artists during quarantine..

But they’re definitely doing it because the last pissed off artist started World War 2.

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A homosexual, a con artist and a child molester walk into a bar.

"What can I get you, father," asks the bartender.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

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Both a surgeon and a tattoo artist have to have a steady hand,

With the surgeon it's the difference between life and death, with the tattoo artist it's the difference between a beautiful mermaid and a fat bitch with an fish up her ass

The true reason behind why Germany 's government aid artist in time of crisis

Because they have seen what an artist from Austria was capable of during the great recession.


P.s go read some ww2 history if u dont get it

An artist, an architect, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress.

The architect said that it was better to have a wife, because you could build the relationship on a firm foundation.

The artist said that no, it was better to have a mistress, because the freedom allowed endless variations.

The engineer said that it was best to have both a wife and a m...

Did you heard the news?

An artist is on the run from the cops.
They had to canvas the area to find him, not his first brush with the law.

Music artists need stop attacking people for no reason

They producing the wrong hits.

What are New Wave artists’ least favorite fruit?

Durian Durian

What do you call a martial artist who's masking his identity?

Not sure, but you might want to use his judonym.

So i was made to donate to the con artists association

But turns out it doesn't even exist!

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One day Gary went into the local tattoo parlor with a somewhat odd request.

He had this great new girlfriend named Wendy , he explained , and while their sex life was dynamite , he was sure it would be even better if he had her name tattooed on his prick . The tattoo artist did her best to dissuade him , pointing out that it would be very painful and that most of the time t...

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A+ Book Reports on Titanic and Bill Clinton

The students at a local college were assigned to read two books, “Titanic” and “My Life” by Bill Clinton, and to write book reports. One student turned in the following book report with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
...

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A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

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I hooked up with a martial artist last week.

She floated like a butterfly, and now it stings when I pee.

A woman goes to an artist to have her portrait painted

She tells the artist that she wants him to paint her wearing lots expensive jewelry. Diamonds, gold, pearls, Etc.

The artist says, "But you aren't wearing any."

She replies, "I know, I don't own any either. But if I die, my husband is the kind of man that will get remarried right away...

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If you’re a tattoo artist who gives free tattoos in exchange for being flashed

Are you then a believer of tit for tat?

I don't know why my painting career never took off

Doctors always told me I was on the artistic spectrum.

Doctors are pretty good artists.

They are great at drawing blood.

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So a guy goes to a tattoo shop..

When he arrives he asks the tattoo artist to tattoo a Ferrari on his penis. The tattoo artist replies surprised and says that he is very honoured because he had never done this before.

The tattoo artist then asks him to bring his girlfriend on the appointment. So he can tattoo garage doors o...

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What do you call a tattoo artist that accepts nudes as payment?

Tit-for-tatt

The con artist industry must not be doing well.

They’re always asking for money

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What do you call an artist who scratches his butt?

Pick-ass-o

Why do ghosts make terrible con artists?

Because you can see right through them

What's an Etch-A-Sketch artists's worst nightmare?

An earthquake.

A new tattoo studio opened in my neighbourhood which offered free sessions to any women who flashed the artist.

It was called 'Tit for Tat'

Picasso said "good artists copy but great artists steal"

I don't understand if this sub if filled with good artists or great artists

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

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I keep hearing people say that vaccines will make you artistic

But I’ve had my shots every year since birth and I still can’t draw for shit!

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I wanted to be a mime artist

But I’m shit at drawing mimes.

Why are origami artists terrible at poker?

They are constantly folding

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A principal notices a Post-It on a locker.

"Jocks of JFK High! This small change in diet can boost your physique FOREVER! Head to the gym to find out how!"

Puzzled, he pulls it off and continues down the hall. Just a few lockers down, another catches his eye.

"Hey goth girls! Tired of dark eyeliner that just runs all day? One ...

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