Why shouldn’t you ever date an artist?

I don’t know, they just seem kind of sketchy.

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

An artist has a 6 year old child who also likes to draw

His child drew a horse.

The artist asked, "You drew the horse wrongly."

The child replied, "How did I draw it wrongly?"

The artist said, "Why does the horse have wings?"

The child replied, "Why can't it have wings?"

The artist said, "It isn't a horse if it has wing...

I saw a graffiti artist spraying a police station in a thick font.

Now that is bold.

I once insulted an artist about his bad painting

He just brushed it off.

Artist: “How are my paintings selling?”

Gallery owner: “When I explained how the value would greatly increase after your death, very well! One person bought 15 paintings!”

Artist: "Oh! That’s amazing! Who bought them?”

Gallery owner: “Your doctor.”

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

... and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

Why are artists so good at self control?

Because they always know where to draw the line.

Did you hear about the artist that was baroque?

He stole the Monet, to buy Degas, to make the Van Gogh...

I don't trust artists.

They're really sketchy.

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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.


The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."


So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

You can never trust an artist

Theyre super sketchy

Two artists had an art contest...

It ended in a draw

When a dissatisfied customer calls up a tattoo artist...

They usually have ink worries.

When I asked the tattoo artist to cover my arms with flames, they refused.

I don't have a firearms permit.

What’s the difference between an artist and a KFC chicken bucket?

A KFC chicken bucket can feed a family of 4

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[OC] These con artists tried to sell me a glass dildo.

Fortunately, I could see through the hole-fucking thing.

A make-up artist was surprised when people told her she wouldn’t be a good politician.

“But why?” she asked. “Isn’t it all just lip service?”

Which artist has a brown finger?

Picasso

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife starts having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

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While a Teacher was educating her class on how to recognize con artists she noticed one of her students looking down

She pauses her lecture and walks next to the desk of the gloomy child.

"Dear what seems to be the problem?" She asks

The student looks up and says "my mother is in the hospital and my dad is in the police station"

"Oh dear god, you should be at home instead of school! Here I'll ...

I strangled a mime artist....

With a cordless phone.

Why should you never date a veteran comic artist?

They make it their business to create a lot of issues.

R Kelly is really changing the rap game

He takes the art out of rap artist

Woman gets a tattoo

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She
also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instruc...

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

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I first decided to become a children's artist...

when I realized kids don't know shit about art.

If you make 10 drawings, you’re not an artist

And if you cook 10 meals, you’re not a chef

But if you kill ONE person...

Lady goes to a tattoo artist to get a tattoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh and Evander Holyfield on the other

The artist says "Sure, no problem. It's going to take a while and be expensive though". The lady explains she's a lifelong boxing fan and they are her all time favourites. She has to have them.

After hours and hours, and excruciating pain, the tattoo artist finishes and invites her to look a...

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A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

Why was the artist so poor?

He didn't have any Monet...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

How did one graffiti artist ask to meet another?

By offering to meet deface deface.

What do you call an accident prone martial artist?

Bruise Lee

What did Kurt Cobain and Michelangelo have in common?

They were both artists who painted a ceiling.

What Union do Professional Meme Artists belong to?

The Memesters

I'm surprised how few artist branch out to become detectives.

Afterall, they're really good at drawing conclusions.

I have the eyes of an artist, the mind of a scientist, the hands of a pianist, and the heart of a child.

Now I'm getting the electric chair after I was caught trying to get the liver of a politician.

My graffiti-artist girlfriend just left me

I should have really seen the writing on the wall.

An artist, an engineer, and a scientist walk into a bar.

Thee barkeep says "What'll it be, Leonardo?"

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Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist.

He said "it's not what it looks like"

Sketch Artist: [holds up drawing of a single strand of straw]

**Camel *[in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes]*:** that's him

An Artist asks his model if she’s okay with nudity

Model-“Yes I am”
Artist- “Thank God! These pants were killing me!”

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news...

What do you call a racist 19th century artist ?

Oppressionist

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Japanese Ministry of Artistic Affairs Warns the Art of Origami is in Decline!

More on this as the story unfolds.

What do you call an artist with plenty of storage?

A drawer.

An artist, accountant and engineer have lunch

The conversation turns to their lives, and then their partners and relationships.

The accountant says "Marriage for me. I love my wife, she's my rock, she's always there for me, I'm nothing without her. I owe her everything."

The artist says "I'd never marry. I am lost without my mistr...

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Why did the woman flash the tattoo artist.

It was tit for tat.

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Japan's Downfall

Before the bombing, Japanese hentai artists used to draw normal hentai. After the US attacked, it affected them so bad that all their newer stuff had Fat Men and Little Boys.

I just lost a lot of money to a con-artist

He had this great pitch about investing in an innovative company that could identify male sheep by their urine. Turns out it was a pee-ram-id scheme.

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A woman gets a free tattoo after showing the artist one of her breasts.

It was a tit-for-tat situation.

In church I heard an old lady saying a prayer

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-
"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough couple of years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues artist BB King.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor....

What is the martial artists favorite car ?

KIA!!!

What do you call an artist who gives off bad vibes?

Sketchy...

Why are artists such fans of gasoline?

Because it makes their Van Gogh

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An Artist in Japan

An English Manga artist is offered a job in Japan - by Studio Ghibli. He arrives in Tokyo 7 hours early, so decides to visit the red light district. Here he bangs a geisha for 5 hours solid - with her screaming "Machigatta ana Machigatta ana" at the top of her voice. Which puts a big smile on his fa...

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Why did Hitler fail as an artist?

He refused to mix colors.

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How do you piss off an artist? By drawing in their sketchbook instead of your own...

...because that's where they draw the line.

My tattoo artist loves her squid and the squid loves me. But I love both of them

I'll ink them both

Why were the Artist Formerly Known as Prince's anecdotes so boring?

Because of the name dropping

What did the artist say to get his vehicle moving?

Van Gogh!

In New York there are many tattoo artists from all over the world, but for some reason the artists from Spain have trouble getting business.

Why? Because nobody expects the Spanish ink precision!

An artist talks to his curator about his recent sales

Artist: "So? Did I sell anything?"

Curator: "You won't believe this: a man came by and asked if the value of the paintings will rise after the artist's death. I told him that I think so. So he bought the entire gallery.

Artist: "Wow! That's great! who was he?"

Curator: "It was y...

There once was a starving artist

Wherever someone offered to buy his work, he thought they were being patronizing.

Who is a grain harvester's favorite musical artist?

Hall'n Oates

Where do tattoo artists connect?

InkedIn

Why was the artist in jail?

Apparently he was framed.

What do you call an artist who had a vasectomy?

Seriously, does anyone know?

I'm drawing a blank here.

Q. Why did Germany provide aid to artists hit by coronavirus?

A. They know what happen when painter suffer setbacks.

Banksy seems like a trustworthy artist.

Sure he's kind of shady, a bit sketchy, but he's not trying to frame me.

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What’s it called when a stripper and a tattoo artist trade services?

Tit for tat.

Mrs. BB King

BB King's wife decided she was going to do something special for BB's birthday and after thinking about it for a while, she goes to a tattoo parlor and tells the tattooist, "I want a nice big 'B' on each asscheek."

The tattoo artist says, "I'm usually not one to question but, that's kinda out...

A magical spanish thief was caught trying to steal an early work of a famous artist

In his defeat, he declared they could keep the work, but he would set himself free on the count of three. He said "Uno...Dos...." and then poof, he vanished without a trace.

Everyone knows of famous martial artist, Bruce Lee

But no one ever talks about his family.

His brother, the revolutionary vegetarian activist, Brocco Lee.

His cousin, the hesitant statistician, Probab Lee.

His uncle, the trustworthy politician, Honest Lee.

And of course, the Spanish inquisitor, Juan "Expected" Lee.

My friend is a pickup artist but has no success with women

Its probably because he spends most of his time drawing F-150s

What's a poor artist's favourite style?

Baroque.

Ive just been molested by a group of mime artists...

They did unspeakable things to me.

Police just arrested a local artist down the street.

*In the interview with them, they said he looked a little sketchy.*

What surprise did the artist give to the nun?

Unsolicited diptychs

Who’s a hairdresser’s favorite musical artist?

Harry Styles

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A Woman goes to a tattoo Artist

“On my right inner thigh, I want a tattoo of John Lennon,”she says. “On my left inner thigh I want a tattoo of Paul McCartney.” The tattoo artist agrees to it and they settle on a price and a day to do the piece.

The day finally comes and the woman arrives early. Although she’s super excit...

A lot of people mistake Johnny Cash for a country artist.

I understand though, as far as genres go he walks the line.

What do you call a street artist struggling to impregnate his wife?

Blanksy

When I’m older and can afford it, I want to commission an artist to make a bust of me

But that’s getting a head of myself.

What’s a artists favorite drink?

Subtle-tea

She fell in love with...

She fell in love with an electrician, and she got shocked.

She fell in love with an artist, and things got sketchy.

She fell in love with a musician, and she got played.

She fell in love with a photographer...

What's the difference between an artist and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family.

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A homosexual, a con artist and a child molester walk into a bar.

"What can I get you, father," asks the bartender.

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Woman in the 1800s becomes very upset after seeing the painting an artist had done for her. She says to him, "I tell you I want a painting commemorating my husband's last thoughts, and you give me cows with halos and Indians making love?”

"Miss," he says. "Those are your husband's last thoughts." "Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians."

What did the martial artist say when I asked if could have all his cookies?

He said not all of them, but I could tae kwon do.

My grandpa was an artist. Unparalleled with a paintbrush. He has an amazing stroke!

That's how he died...

What type of bedding does a hip-hop artist sleep on?

A rap sheet.

My guitar teacher was a magician turned artist

So he would always start our lessons with, "Pick a chord, any chord"

My parents were both artists

I call them MoMA and Dada

As an artist, I feel there's no difference performing between normal people and ghost

Cause in the end they just boo at me.

It’s hard for artists to live off their craft

Sooner or later they all run out of Monet.

I was voted most artistic in Highschool

I was also voted most dyslexic

Among jesus’s disciples, who is the worst pick up artist?

John the bad tease.

What do you call two digital artists in a fight?

Graphic Violence

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Going back in time to Germany 1913

he was asked :would you kill Hitler if you ran into him? No! I'd buy his paintings and tell him how great an artist he is.

Why did the police officer arrest the artist as a murder suspect?

He was a sketchy dude.

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

I dont like artists

They seem sketchy to me

what do you call an artist during a global pandemic?

Vincent Van Cough

The government will send a martial artist after you if you violate copyright law

IP Man

What type of shoes does an artist wear?

Sketchers.

Hip-hop Music Artist Lil' Wayne announced that he's tested positive for COVID-19

The rapper said that he's okay and mostly recovered though, just a lil'weezy.

When does the artist die?

When she draws her last breath.

The artist named “Feat” has a monopoly on the music industry and should be tracked down.

Every time I see a song, Feat is always on it. This is too suspicious, and must mean he has a monopoly on the recording industry. Maybe he has parents with connections, maybe he is holding someone hostage, or maybe it is something much worse. What is apparent though, is that he is definitely breakin...

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A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

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An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business ...

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistre...

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

Artists on Reddit are pretty unoriginal

Does every one of them have to call their painting Untitled ?

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Tattoo Artist

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist to tattoo John Lennon and Paul McCartney on each of her inner thighs... The artist did his work, bandaged her up and told her to remove them the next week. The lady came back into the store angry as she felt neither tattoo looked like John or Pau...

I asked a tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a pigeon into my pubic region.

He took a look at the picture and agreed to do it for $120.

It looked amazing. So, a couple weeks later, I went back and asked him to give me a matching tattoo on my palm. He looked again at the picture and said, “That will be $240.”

I said, “Why the price jump? You did the exact same...

What is an artist's favorite thing to draw?

Unemployment

My favorite high stakes parkour artist hasn't posted in months.

Not only is it a cliffhanger its most likely a cliff faller.

I asked an artist friend of mine to draw me a golden wishing well

He replied 'Eh, Midas well"

An artist is alone and wants to be pleasured (NSFW)

Masturclayshon

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Both a surgeon and a tattoo artist have to have a steady hand,

With the surgeon it's the difference between life and death, with the tattoo artist it's the difference between a beautiful mermaid and a fat bitch with an fish up her ass

The true reason behind why Germany 's government aid artist in time of crisis

Because they have seen what an artist from Austria was capable of during the great recession.


P.s go read some ww2 history if u dont get it

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