Why shouldn’t you ever date an artist?

I don’t know, they just seem kind of sketchy.

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

I saw a graffiti artist spraying a police station in a thick font.

Now that is bold.

I once insulted an artist about his bad painting

He just brushed it off.

I don't trust artists.

They're really sketchy.

Which artist has a brown finger?

Picasso

An artist has a 6 year old child who also likes to draw

His child drew a horse.

The artist asked, "You drew the horse wrongly."

The child replied, "How did I draw it wrongly?"

The artist said, "Why does the horse have wings?"

The child replied, "Why can't it have wings?"

The artist said, "It isn't a horse if it has wing...

Why are artists so good at self control?

Because they always know where to draw the line.

Did you hear about the artist that was baroque?

He stole the Monet, to buy Degas, to make the Van Gogh...

What’s the difference between an artist and a KFC chicken bucket?

A KFC chicken bucket can feed a family of 4

Imagine a con artist named Dom.

He’d be called condom.

I strangled a mime artist....

With a cordless phone.

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While a Teacher was educating her class on how to recognize con artists she noticed one of her students looking down

She pauses her lecture and walks next to the desk of the gloomy child.

"Dear what seems to be the problem?" She asks

The student looks up and says "my mother is in the hospital and my dad is in the police station"

"Oh dear god, you should be at home instead of school! Here I'll ...

Why should you never date a veteran comic artist?

They make it their business to create a lot of issues.

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife starts having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

If you make 10 drawings, you’re not an artist

And if you cook 10 meals, you’re not a chef

But if you kill ONE person...

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A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

Why was the artist so poor?

He didn't have any Monet...

Why shouldn’t you trust a new artist?

Because they are a bit sketchy

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I first decided to become a children's artist...

when I realized kids don't know shit about art.

How did one graffiti artist ask to meet another?

By offering to meet deface deface.

What do you call an accident prone martial artist?

Bruise Lee

I'm surprised how few artist branch out to become detectives.

Afterall, they're really good at drawing conclusions.

What Union do Professional Meme Artists belong to?

The Memesters

An artist, accountant and engineer have lunch

The conversation turns to their lives, and then their partners and relationships.

The accountant says "Marriage for me. I love my wife, she's my rock, she's always there for me, I'm nothing without her. I owe her everything."

The artist says "I'd never marry. I am lost without my mistr...

My graffiti-artist girlfriend just left me

I should have really seen the writing on the wall.

In church I heard an old lady saying a prayer

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-
"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough couple of years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues artist BB King.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor....

Lady goes to a tattoo artist to get a tattoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh and Evander Holyfield on the other

The artist says "Sure, no problem. It's going to take a while and be expensive though". The lady explains she's a lifelong boxing fan and they are her all time favourites. She has to have them.

After hours and hours, and excruciating pain, the tattoo artist finishes and invites her to look a...

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Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist.

He said "it's not what it looks like"

Sketch Artist: [holds up drawing of a single strand of straw]

**Camel *[in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes]*:** that's him

Artists on Reddit are so uncreative,

Like get over it, someone else has already called theirs Untitled.

An Artist asks his model if she’s okay with nudity

Model-“Yes I am”
Artist- “Thank God! These pants were killing me!”

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news...

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Japanese Ministry of Artistic Affairs Warns the Art of Origami is in Decline!

More on this as the story unfolds.

What do you call a racist 19th century artist ?

Oppressionist

What do you call an artist with plenty of storage?

A drawer.

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

An artist, an engineer, and a scientist walk into a bar.

Thee barkeep says "What'll it be, Leonardo?"

I have the eyes of an artist, the mind of a scientist, the hands of a pianist, and the heart of a child.

Now I'm getting the electric chair after I was caught trying to get the liver of a politician.

I just lost a lot of money to a con-artist

He had this great pitch about investing in an innovative company that could identify male sheep by their urine. Turns out it was a pee-ram-id scheme.

What is the martial artists favorite car ?

KIA!!!

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A woman gets a free tattoo after showing the artist one of her breasts.

It was a tit-for-tat situation.

Why are artists such fans of gasoline?

Because it makes their Van Gogh

What do you call an artist who gives off bad vibes?

Sketchy...

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How do you piss off an artist? By drawing in their sketchbook instead of your own...

...because that's where they draw the line.

She fell in love with...

She fell in love with an electrician, and she got shocked.

She fell in love with an artist, and things got sketchy.

She fell in love with a musician, and she got played.

She fell in love with a photographer...

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An Artist in Japan

An English Manga artist is offered a job in Japan - by Studio Ghibli. He arrives in Tokyo 7 hours early, so decides to visit the red light district. Here he bangs a geisha for 5 hours solid - with her screaming "Machigatta ana Machigatta ana" at the top of her voice. Which puts a big smile on his fa...

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

... and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

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Why did the woman flash the tattoo artist.

It was tit for tat.

A man had his portrait unveiled by a successful artist. The man was most unhappy with the result.

Artist: Are you happy with it?

Subject: I don’t think it does me justice!

Artist: it’s not justice you need, it’s mercy.

My tattoo artist loves her squid and the squid loves me. But I love both of them

I'll ink them both

Mrs. BB King

BB King's wife decided she was going to do something special for BB's birthday and after thinking about it for a while, she goes to a tattoo parlor and tells the tattooist, "I want a nice big 'B' on each asscheek."

The tattoo artist says, "I'm usually not one to question but, that's kinda out...

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Why did Hitler fail as an artist?

He refused to mix colors.

An artist talks to his curator about his recent sales

Artist: "So? Did I sell anything?"

Curator: "You won't believe this: a man came by and asked if the value of the paintings will rise after the artist's death. I told him that I think so. So he bought the entire gallery.

Artist: "Wow! That's great! who was he?"

Curator: "It was y...

There once was a starving artist

Wherever someone offered to buy his work, he thought they were being patronizing.

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Going back in time to Germany 1913

he was asked :would you kill Hitler if you ran into him? No! I'd buy his paintings and tell him how great an artist he is.

Where do tattoo artists connect?

InkedIn

In New York there are many tattoo artists from all over the world, but for some reason the artists from Spain have trouble getting business.

Why? Because nobody expects the Spanish ink precision!

Why was the artist in jail?

Apparently he was framed.

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A guy goes to the tattoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his penis

The artist agrees, but is curious and
asks the man why he wants to do this.

The man replies, “I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now.”

So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a $100 bill...

What do you call an artist who had a vasectomy?

Seriously, does anyone know?

I'm drawing a blank here.

My grandpa was an artist. He had an amazing stroke.

That's how he died.

Who is a grain harvester's favorite musical artist?

Hall'n Oates

Banksy seems like a trustworthy artist.

Sure he's kind of shady, a bit sketchy, but he's not trying to frame me.

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What’s it called when a stripper and a tattoo artist trade services?

Tit for tat.

What's a poor artist's favourite style?

Baroque.

My friend is a pickup artist but has no success with women

Its probably because he spends most of his time drawing F-150s

Who’s a hairdresser’s favorite musical artist?

Harry Styles

What surprise did the artist give to the nun?

Unsolicited diptychs

Police just arrested a local artist down the street.

*In the interview with them, they said he looked a little sketchy.*

Everyone knows of famous martial artist, Bruce Lee

But no one ever talks about his family.

His brother, the revolutionary vegetarian activist, Brocco Lee.

His cousin, the hesitant statistician, Probab Lee.

His uncle, the trustworthy politician, Honest Lee.

And of course, the Spanish inquisitor, Juan "Expected" Lee.

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A Woman goes to a tattoo Artist

“On my right inner thigh, I want a tattoo of John Lennon,”she says. “On my left inner thigh I want a tattoo of Paul McCartney.” The tattoo artist agrees to it and they settle on a price and a day to do the piece.

The day finally comes and the woman arrives early. Although she’s super excit...

What do you call a street artist struggling to impregnate his wife?

Blanksy

A lot of people mistake Johnny Cash for a country artist.

I understand though, as far as genres go he walks the line.

When I’m older and can afford it, I want to commission an artist to make a bust of me

But that’s getting a head of myself.

What’s a artists favorite drink?

Subtle-tea

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an american history professor decided that he wanted a large mural painted in his home.

he called in a famous artist and explained to him that he wanted him to paint what he thought general Custers last thoughts were during his last stand. he went on holiday and he returned see a mural of a large praying heifer with a halo above its head surrounded by many native americans in erotic se...

Me: Being a great artist is all about finding the right medium.

The 5th psychic I’ve been to today: judging by your work here, I see disappointment in your future.

Q. Why did Germany provide aid to artists hit by coronavirus?

A. They know what happen when painter suffer setbacks.

A magical spanish thief was caught trying to steal an early work of a famous artist

In his defeat, he declared they could keep the work, but he would set himself free on the count of three. He said "Uno...Dos...." and then poof, he vanished without a trace.

A con artist scammed the president into giving him a state.

The president tried to get him to do a double-or-nothing but the con artist refused...

Because he had con-etiquette.

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Woman in the 1800s becomes very upset after seeing the painting an artist had done for her. She says to him, "I tell you I want a painting commemorating my husband's last thoughts, and you give me cows with halos and Indians making love?”

"Miss," he says. "Those are your husband's last thoughts." "Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians."

What type of bedding does a hip-hop artist sleep on?

A rap sheet.

My guitar teacher was a magician turned artist

So he would always start our lessons with, "Pick a chord, any chord"

My parents were both artists

I call them MoMA and Dada

As an artist, I feel there's no difference performing between normal people and ghost

Cause in the end they just boo at me.

It’s hard for artists to live off their craft

Sooner or later they all run out of Monet.

I was voted most artistic in Highschool

I was also voted most dyslexic

Among jesus’s disciples, who is the worst pick up artist?

John the bad tease.

What do you call two digital artists in a fight?

Graphic Violence

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Magic

After a long show, Marvelous Mike, an old magician enters a McDonald's. Not without Schadenfreude, he realizes that the cashier is his old competitor Harry Houdini.

Feigning empathy, he asks "Oh Harry. I cannot believe that such a gifted artist would end up like this. Anyway, may I have BigM...

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A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child.

A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child. A boy, who grows to have his father's passion for art. One day when the boy is coming of age they have a big argument and the young man leaves his father's house to go out on his own. He is gone for many years.

During tha...

Ive just been molested by a group of mime artists...

They did unspeakable things to me.

Why did the police officer arrest the artist as a murder suspect?

He was a sketchy dude.

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A homosexual, a con artist and a child molester walk into a bar.

"What can I get you, father," asks the bartender.

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A man requested a female painter to paint him in the nude.

"No" the talented artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing.

"I'll increase your fee two times," he said.

"No, no thanks!!"

"I'll give five times as much as you normally get."

Okay, said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to...

The government will send a martial artist after you if you violate copyright law

IP Man

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A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in coma

She notices that whenever she touches the genital area, patient's heart rate increases. She gets the idea that oral sex might help her regain consciousness. The nurse then calls patient's husband and tell him that oral sex might revive her and so the husband agrees to help.

The following nigh...

When does the artist die?

When she draws her last breath.

Hip-hop Music Artist Lil' Wayne announced that he's tested positive for COVID-19

The rapper said that he's okay and mostly recovered though, just a lil'weezy.

I dont like artists

They seem sketchy to me

what do you call an artist during a global pandemic?

Vincent Van Cough

The artist named “Feat” has a monopoly on the music industry and should be tracked down.

Every time I see a song, Feat is always on it. This is too suspicious, and must mean he has a monopoly on the recording industry. Maybe he has parents with connections, maybe he is holding someone hostage, or maybe it is something much worse. What is apparent though, is that he is definitely breakin...

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Poor Dyslexic James (long, original)

James was dyslexic. Because of this, he always struggled in school. He was embarrassed by his dyslexia and never let on or got help for his problems, so his grades suffered. His teachers and guidance counsellors told him he’d never amount to anything. All his life, James just wanted to prove them wr...

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

What type of shoes does an artist wear?

Sketchers.

A shady robed man walks into Disney studios.

As he takes off his hood, he reveals the skull of a face he has underneath. The artists and director pause and murmur with each other.



"Are you lost?", they finally ask him.

"No. I'm fairly certain this is the right place. I bring back the dead with just a touch, a skill requir...

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Tattoo Artist

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist to tattoo John Lennon and Paul McCartney on each of her inner thighs... The artist did his work, bandaged her up and told her to remove them the next week. The lady came back into the store angry as she felt neither tattoo looked like John or Pau...

What is an artist's favorite thing to draw?

Unemployment

Why did the fetish art meme get removed?

Because I didn’t credit one of the artists. I didn’t want to give them any foot traffic.

A lady goes into a tattoo palor...

to get a tat of Elvis on the inside of her thigh.

Her and the artist pick out an Elvis she likes and he goes to work.

When he's finished, she looks down and flips out! "That doesn't look anything thing like Elvis"!

They argue back and forth for a bit, and he tells her he'll do o...

I asked an artist friend of mine to draw me a golden wishing well

He replied 'Eh, Midas well"

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A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

Artists on Reddit are pretty unoriginal

Does every one of them have to call their painting Untitled ?

An artist is alone and wants to be pleasured (NSFW)

Masturclayshon

I asked a tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a pigeon into my pubic region.

He took a look at the picture and agreed to do it for $120.

It looked amazing. So, a couple weeks later, I went back and asked him to give me a matching tattoo on my palm. He looked again at the picture and said, “That will be $240.”

I said, “Why the price jump? You did the exact same...

My favorite high stakes parkour artist hasn't posted in months.

Not only is it a cliffhanger its most likely a cliff faller.

After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income.

He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince.

What happens when an artist has trouble finding inspiration ?

The draw a blank !

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An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business ...

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Both a surgeon and a tattoo artist have to have a steady hand,

With the surgeon it's the difference between life and death, with the tattoo artist it's the difference between a beautiful mermaid and a fat bitch with an fish up her ass

An artist, an architect, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress.

The architect said that it was better to have a wife, because you could build the relationship on a firm foundation.

The artist said that no, it was better to have a mistress, because the freedom allowed endless variations.

The engineer said that it was best to have both a wife and a m...

The true reason behind why Germany 's government aid artist in time of crisis

Because they have seen what an artist from Austria was capable of during the great recession.


P.s go read some ww2 history if u dont get it

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