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Artist Jokes

An artist has a 6 year old child who also likes to draw

His child drew a horse.

The artist asked, "You drew the horse wrongly."

The child replied, "How did I draw it wrongly?"

The artist said, "Why does the horse have wings?"

The child replied, "Why can't it have wings?"

The artist said, "It isn't a horse if it has wing...

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

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A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

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The Portrait Artist

A local Irishman was making quite the name for himself as a portrait artist... His fees were very reasonable and the Locals kept him busy.... One day a stretch-limo pulled up and a beautiful woman exited the car.... "I will gladly pay you 10,000 Euros if you'll paint me in the nude.".... The Irishma...

I saw a graffiti artist spraying a police station in a thick font.

Now that is bold.

I once insulted an artist about his bad painting

He just brushed it off.

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A tattoo artist went to a coffee place and ordered coffee but forgot his wallet...

so he tells the woman at the counter that he can't pay for it. The woman gets angry at first and then asks "What can we do about this situation?" The tattoo artist says "Well I can give you a tattoo for free instead and we can call it even". The woman thinks for a while, reluctantly agrees to it and...

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

... and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

You can paint a thousand paintings and not be called an artist...

You can run a thousand marathons and not be called an athlete...

You can cook a thousand meals and not be called a chef.

But as soon as you kill ONE PERSON...

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A rich woman called a famous artist to commission him to paint her

He says his fee will be $5,000, which she accepted. She arrived for the sitting and gave him $7,000. The artist was surprised and asked why she gave more than he asked.

"I want you to paint me in the nude," she said, "Do you have any objections?"

"Not for $7,000 I don't. But I would ha...

Ive just been molested by a group of mime artists...

They did unspeakable things to me.

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An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business ...

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A guy goes to the tatoo parlor and offers the tattoo artist $1,000 to put a $100 bill on his willie.

The artist agrees, but is curious and asks the man why he wants to do this.


The man replies, "I have my reasons which I would rather not tell right now."


So, the artist goes ahead and does the job. But, all the while he is anxious with curiosity over why this man wants a ...

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

What do you get when your philosophical tattoo artist is on drugs?

Meth inks

What do you call an artist in a dark alley?

Sketchy

Why did the famous balloon artist hate his own work?

It was blown out of proportion!

Who's your favorite artist?

UN: "Who's your favorite artist?"

Israel: "Netta!"

UK: "Dua Lipa!"

Zimbabwe: "Fifty trillion Zimbabwean Dollars!"

UN: "What?"

Zimbabwe: "I'm sorry! 50 Cent, for you!"

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Who was the artist who was always caught scratching his butt at gallery shows?

Pablo Pickasso

The pickup artist

A single guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, despite being known as a pickup artist I haven't had any luck with the ladies lately," he complains to the bartender. "It's probably because you spend all your time over there in a booth drawing pictures of F-150s," the bartender says.

What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a rap artist

art

The Russian army is trying to hire an artist to repaint the Zaporizhzhia power plant.

They get paid in exposure.

What was the first sentence of Sally the Con-Artist Artist autobiography?

Painting was my love, but framing was my passion.

Why did the artist suffocate to death?

Lack of inspiration.

What do you call a lactose intolerant music artist?

Post Provolone

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A woman gets a free tattoo after showing the artist one of her breasts.

It was a tit-for-tat situation.

What do you call a ceramic artist in need of a shave?

Hairy Potter.

An artist created an exact portrait of me just by projecting saliva onto the canvas

It was my spitting image

The Californian government was raising funds to build a new highway. The biggest donors were Apple corp, and a Chinese artist.

Ended up being called the i-Ai Weiwei Way.

Graffiti artist writes on the wall:

Person who wrote this is brilliant and person who read this is a idiot.

Dave (you know Dave, everybody knows Dave) who used to walk by this sign everyday got angrier and angrier whenever he read this sign.

So one day Dave got an amazing idea, so that night he went to that wall. He clea...

Did you hear about the artist that was baroque?

He stole the Monet, to buy Degas, to make the Van Gogh...

An artist talks to his curator about his recent sales

Artist: "So? Did I sell anything?"

Curator: "You won't believe this: a man came by and asked if the value of the paintings will rise after the artist's death. I told him that I think so. So he bought the entire gallery.

Artist: "Wow! That's great! who was he?"

Curator: "It was y...

I was gonna post a joke about a bad artist

but it really doesnt paint a pretty picture

What does the artist say in the beginning of the fencing match?

Avant-garde!

Why can't you trust an artist?

Cuz they're sketchy, shady, and they'll frame you

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I walked in to a tattoo shop and the artist was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen

I told her I want your name on my dick. She said "ok. $500" I pulled my pants down and she got to work. When she was done I looked down and saw "YOUR NA" and asked "where's the rest?" She replied "there wasn't enough room for me."

What do you get when you cross a mafia Consigliere with a performance artist?

Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand.

The Artist

I just saw a group of people who were watching an artist sketch all of them in his book. The man was good too, he really knew how to draw a crowd.

When Pablo Picasso was a young struggling artist, he was several months behind in the rent.

The landlord came by and told him that if he didn't come up with the money he would be evicted on Tuesday.


Picasso exclaimed, "Before you kick me out, just think, years from now people will look at this building and say the great Picasso lived there."


The landlord looked at him...

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistre...

Artist

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, I'm drawing God. The teacher paused and said, But no one know...

Why did the martial artist not pass the maths test.

Because he was kung-fused.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

An artist goes on stage to receive an award

I wanna thank my legs, for supporting me.

My arms, for always being by my side.

My fingers, because I can always count on them.

And finally sidewalks, for keeping me off the street.

Artist: “How are my paintings selling?”

Gallery owner: “When I explained how the value would greatly increase after your death, very well! One person bought 15 paintings!”

Artist: "Oh! That’s amazing! Who bought them?”

Gallery owner: “Your doctor.”

An accountant, an artist and an engineer are having drinks

The conversation turns to the most important person in their lives.

The accountant says his wife is his rock, his stability, the foundation of their life together.

The artist says his mistress is his muse and inspiration. He owes her his very soul.

The engineer says those are gr...

What’s the difference between an artist and a KFC chicken bucket?

A KFC chicken bucket can feed a family of 4

What did they say about the artist who completed suicide by jumping off a building?

Well, at least they finally made an impact on the world.

My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of a Ford F-150.

He’s ….a pickup artist.

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

My one-eyed, artist girlfriend left me.

Turned out I was not as deep as she first thought.

Which artist has a brown finger?

Picasso

R Kelly is really changing the rap game

He takes the art out of rap artist

What’s an artist’s favorite shoe brand?

Sketchers.

Did you hear about the stuttering escape artist who kept on getting sent to jail?

He never finished his sentences

How did one graffiti artist ask to meet another?

By offering to meet deface deface.

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An artist and his wife have been having sex daily for almost two months.

While highly unusual, he doesn't question it for fear of pressing his luck. One day, his wife approaches him.

"Honey? Can you draw a picture for me?"

"Sure babe, what would you like?" he replies.

"I want to see how you think our baby will look."

The husband stares at her,...

What do you call an artist with plenty of storage?

A drawer.

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A rapist, a con-artist and a fascist walk into a bar...

The bartender says 'What'll it be Mr President?'

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A PR firm is working with a rap artist

They want to clean his image and recover his prestige. No more wild parties, no more driving under influence, no more cheating on his wife. However, it’s difficult to turn a former troublemaker artist into a family man.

“Look, we invested a lot of time and money into this,” says the PR manag...

Where does a con artist stay when camping?

The answer is in the content!

When I asked the tattoo artist to cover my arms with flames, they refused.

I don't have a firearms permit.

The Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display.
''I have good news and bad news'' the owner replied.
''The good news is that a gentleman enquired if your paintings will increase in value after your death. When I told them they would, he ...

A 3D Artist was commissioned to make a virtual replica of Rio De Janeiro, Brazil...

He took a look at photographs, saw that giant Jesus statue, and exclaimed, "Wow; what amateurs! They didn't even texture him, and rendered him in T-pose!"

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Con artist warning!

A warning to all the guys:
Two girls have been reported to steal men's wallets.
They use the following scam:
The girls wait in the parking lot of a big superstore. Once they have spotted their victim, they will ask him for a ride to the city.
One will get on the passenger seat, the other...

I strangled a mime artist....

With a cordless phone.

What do you call an artist who has no money

baroque.....

(I'll just see myself out)

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Why did Hitler fail as an artist?

He refused to mix colors.

Lady goes to a tattoo artist to get a tattoo of Mike Tyson on one thigh and Evander Holyfield on the other

The artist says "Sure, no problem. It's going to take a while and be expensive though". The lady explains she's a lifelong boxing fan and they are her all time favourites. She has to have them.

After hours and hours, and excruciating pain, the tattoo artist finishes and invites her to look a...

What do you call a racist 19th century artist ?

Oppressionist

I have the eyes of an artist, the mind of a scientist, the hands of a pianist, and the heart of a child.

Now I'm getting the electric chair after I was caught trying to get the liver of a politician.

The 'sandwich artist' turned my toppings into bottoms

Fitting, for a sub.




*precautionary NSFW tag; idk, I dont post much

Why should you never date a veteran comic artist?

They make it their business to create a lot of issues.

What do you call a scam artist who is walking down the stairs?

Condescending

What can you say about a hip hop artist that does the music of today?

Santa really likes him because he’s rapping the present.

What does a rock artist say to a jazz musician?

To the airport please

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"

"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."

*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job...

The results for “The Disaster Artist” are in.

Overall, it’s received Hi Marks.

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I first decided to become a children's artist...

when I realized kids don't know shit about art.

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A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

An Artist asks his model if she’s okay with nudity

Model-“Yes I am”
Artist- “Thank God! These pants were killing me!”

Why was the artist so poor?

He didn't have any Monet...

A make-up artist was surprised when people told her she wouldn’t be a good politician.

“But why?” she asked. “Isn’t it all just lip service?”

An artist, an engineer, and a scientist walk into a bar.

Thee barkeep says "What'll it be, Leonardo?"

ARTIST: I'd like your opinion on my painting.

CRITIC: It's worthless.


ARTIST: I know, but I'd like it anyway.

I'm surprised how few artist branch out to become detectives.

Afterall, they're really good at drawing conclusions.

I just lost a lot of money to a con-artist

He had this great pitch about investing in an innovative company that could identify male sheep by their urine. Turns out it was a pee-ram-id scheme.

My graffiti-artist girlfriend just left me

I should have really seen the writing on the wall.

What is the difference between priest and con-artist?

Priest are so good they fooled themselves.

Artist found dead in home

Details are sketchy

Scam artist caught!

Police arrested scam artist John Young who tricked people into buying some sort of substance which he himself described as an ‘elixir of immortality’. Upon questions police discovered that John had a criminal record and had been previously arrested for the same felony for previous times: In 2004, 19...

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An Artist in Japan

An English Manga artist is offered a job in Japan - by Studio Ghibli. He arrives in Tokyo 7 hours early, so decides to visit the red light district. Here he bangs a geisha for 5 hours solid - with her screaming "Machigatta ana Machigatta ana" at the top of her voice. Which puts a big smile on his fa...

What do you call an artist who had a vasectomy?

Seriously, does anyone know?

I'm drawing a blank here.

What does a graffiti artist call an empty wall?

A blanksy

My friend is a pickup artist but has no success with women

Its probably because he spends most of his time drawing F-150s

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What’s it called when a stripper and a tattoo artist trade services?

Tit for tat.

A man had his portrait unveiled by a successful artist. The man was most unhappy with the result.

Artist: Are you happy with it?

Subject: I don’t think it does me justice!

Artist: it’s not justice you need, it’s mercy.

My tattoo artist loves her squid and the squid loves me. But I love both of them

I'll ink them both

Who’s a hairdresser’s favorite musical artist?

Harry Styles

There once was a starving artist

Wherever someone offered to buy his work, he thought they were being patronizing.

Who is a grain harvester's favorite musical artist?

Hall'n Oates

A magical spanish thief was caught trying to steal an early work of a famous artist

In his defeat, he declared they could keep the work, but he would set himself free on the count of three. He said "Uno...Dos...." and then poof, he vanished without a trace.

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Woman in the 1800s becomes very upset after seeing the painting an artist had done for her. She says to him, "I tell you I want a painting commemorating my husband's last thoughts, and you give me cows with halos and Indians making love?”

"Miss," he says. "Those are your husband's last thoughts." "Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians."

If the actor who plays Wolverine were to reveal that he's been a con-artist his entire life....

Would that mean this has all been a huge act, man?

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What do you call an artist who scratches his butt?

Pick-ass-o

What did the artist say to get his vehicle moving

Van Gogh

What surprise did the artist give to the nun?

Unsolicited diptychs

What do you call a street artist struggling to impregnate his wife?

Blanksy

Banksy seems like a trustworthy artist.

Sure he's kind of shady, a bit sketchy, but he's not trying to frame me.

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A Man Walks Into a Tattoo Shop Asking for $100 bill on penis

A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request. "Uh, are you sure about this sir?"

"Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever."

"Ok. May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particul...

Why did the police officer arrest the artist as a murder suspect?

He was a sketchy dude.

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A Woman goes to a tattoo Artist

“On my right inner thigh, I want a tattoo of John Lennon,”she says. “On my left inner thigh I want a tattoo of Paul McCartney.” The tattoo artist agrees to it and they settle on a price and a day to do the piece.

The day finally comes and the woman arrives early. Although she’s super excit...

A con artist scammed the president into giving him a state.

The president tried to get him to do a double-or-nothing but the con artist refused...

Because he had con-etiquette.

The artist named “Feat” has a monopoly on the music industry and should be tracked down.

Every time I see a song, Feat is always on it. This is too suspicious, and must mean he has a monopoly on the recording industry. Maybe he has parents with connections, maybe he is holding someone hostage, or maybe it is something much worse. What is apparent though, is that he is definitely breakin...

Police just arrested a local artist down the street.

*In the interview with them, they said he looked a little sketchy.*

I asked a tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a pigeon into my pubic region.

He took a look at the picture and agreed to do it for $120.

It looked amazing. So, a couple weeks later, I went back and asked him to give me a matching tattoo on my palm. He looked again at the picture and said, “That will be $240.”

I said, “Why the price jump? You did the exact same...

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