A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

I got my tattoo artist to write “Tattoo artists are stupid” on my back.

I thought I got him pretty good until I realized the joke was on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an artist who scratches his butt?

Pick-ass-o

Did you hear about the deaf man who escaped a murderous gang of mute mime artists?

Yeah, he saw them coming.

What you say when a heavy metal artist die?

Rust in peace

Why are origami artists terrible at poker?

They are constantly folding

What artist helps you with your workout?

Cardi O

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My roommate in college was a weird performance artist who outlined all his paintings using his penis.

I should have never moved in with Dick Tracy.

My art major friend was told the other day, a true artist should please no one but themselves

besides of course, their Starbucks managers

What's the difference between an unusual undercooked pasta, and the easing of tensions between a famous parody artist and the singers he parodies?

One is a weird al dente, and the other is a "Weird Al" detente.

What would you call a Jewish, Reggae Artist, and a Gangster?

Jew-Mon-G

So, an artist, a mathematician, and a fisherman commit a crime

And I was looking at the file and it looks kinda sketchy, it doesn’t add up. There’s definitely something fishy going on.

An Austrian, an Artist, and a Fascist walk into a bar

It went all Reich

What did the paintbrush say to the artist?

Nothing. Paintbrushes don't talk.

​

Weirdo.

I went to study under a pickup artist.

Still no luck with women, but my truck looks great.

I was talking to a hipster when he asked me my favorite underground artist.

I replied Whitney Houston

My friend the artist told me he didn’t have any cyan, azure, cobalt, navy, royal, or sapphire paint.

That was completely out of the blue.

A struggling artist stops by the studio where his recent work is hanging for sale.

The owner tells him he has good news and bad news.

​

“The good news is that a man dropped by the studio today and put in an offer to buy every single piece. He just wanted my guarantee that the works would be worth twice what he paid if you were to pass away. I told him they...

I took my first course in 'How to be a sketch artist' only yesterday

And I'm already drawing large crowds.

What kind of underwear does an artist wear?

Drawers

A rapist and con artist gets caught by the sheriff in a small town.

But he gets released because sitting presidents can't be indicted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The artist and the museum (long)

An artist is approached by a man who says he's to be the curator of a new museum dedicated to General George Custer and he wanted to hire the artist to paint a mural that was to be the centerpiece of the largest display.

The artist agrees and asks the curator if he had any particular subject...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.

No one can see the piece before it is completed.

Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a m...

An old lady goes into a tattoo shop and says to the tattoo artist, "I want a tattoo of Elvis Presley on my inner thigh."

The artist agrees and says that he would be happy to do a portrait of Elvis for her.

He finishes up the tattoo and tells the old lady to check it out. She looks down and is furious. "This looks nothing like Elvis! I'm not paying for this!" she yells.

"Are you kidding me? That's th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a female martial artist refer to masturbation as?

Hand to gland combat.

What’s the difference between a folder of an artist work and a diseased strong hold?

One’s a portfolio, and the other’s fort polio

Why was the high wire artist denied insurance?

Outstanding balance.

Did you hear about the artist that painted nude models for free?

He did it for the exposure.

What did the Billboard Top 40 artist say when she broke up with her boyfriend before kicking him out of a helicopter?

new single dropping soon!

An origami artist wanted for murder, has been sending tantalizing clues to police.

The investigation is unfolding.

A nude artist dies while climbing Mt Everest

Nobody paid them, they had to do it for the exposure.

An artist thought he had lost his favorite color of paint but...

It was just a pigment of his imagination

How many country artists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.

One changes the light bulb, the other one makes a song how good the old light bulb was.

What do Beethoven and the hiphop artist Lil'Jon have in common?

What?!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Con artist warning!

A warning to all the guys:
Two girls have been reported to steal men's wallets.
They use the following scam:
The girls wait in the parking lot of a big superstore. Once they have spotted their victim, they will ask him for a ride to the city.
One will get on the passenger seat, the other...

Artist found dead in home

Details are sketchy

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet–Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland."

When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. A voice calls out, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

What pen does the annoyed artist use?

Ugh, fine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soviet artist is instructed to make a painting about soviet workers

He presents them a painting of what appears to be three naked African men, one of which has a white penis. He is asked by his commissioner. "What the hell is this," he is asked "They're actually coal miners who has finished working and were heading to the showers, I'll have you know!". "Okay, and wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] I saw a Japanese martial artist, I've seen him on tv before so I excitedly waved at him. He was confused and said "I don't believe we've met"

I said "I recognize Judo".

I don't trust artists

their jobs are sketchy

Who was Lenin’s favorite hip-hop artist?

MC Hammer & Sickle

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistre...

An artist had his first gallery showing.

The show was a mild success. He sold a few paintings and met some critics and seemed to make a good impression. But he wasn't feeling well so he made his apologies and went home to bed before the show was over.

The next day he calls the gallery director to see how the rest of the show went....

I like music by underground artists

Like Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain, Michael Jackson, John Lennon, Bob Marley and Prince.

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to Minnesota to have portraits done.

One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house.

Inside was a beautiful woman, who asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole.

The woman said money was no object. She was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get in...

This government shutdown has made it so TSA agents can relate to artists.

There is a lot of exposure and no pay.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are martial artists so stylish?

Cause they always have kick-ass shoes!

How does an artist donate to charity

They draw blood.

A perv, a con artist, and a facist walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What can I get you, Mr. President?"

How did the artist with the trust fund pay for all his supplies?

With the money he got from his dada.

People are always amazed at the skilled tattoo artists in Spain.

No one expects the Spanish ink precision

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the women say to the tattoo artist before flashing him?

Tit for tat?

(I'm sorry in advance. No more internet for me today)

What do you call an origami artist from the Philippines?

A Manila folder

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business ...

My artist friend is a real narcissist.

He's always drawing attention.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an artist with a brown finger?

Picasshole

An artist walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I don't like the way the art world is going. I've read that in the future many exhibitions will only feature digital images displayed on plasma screens in darkened, futuristic galleries," he complained to the bartender. "I'm going to miss the art formerly known as prints.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what an artist and a sniper have in common?

Being fucking useless in close quarters

Why do artists hate working in really cold environments?

Because all they get is exposure.

What do you call a martial artist who doesn't understand a concept?

Kungfused.

Jackson Pollock is your favorite artist?

Weird flecks, but okay.

Why can't you trust an artist?

Cuz they're sketchy, shady, and they'll frame you

What's a martial artists favorite drink?

Wata!!

What is a kid artist’s favourite nursery rhyme?

Pop goes the easel.

What’s the toughest thing for an artist to draw?

A salary.

(Credit to u/arguablytrue)

Who was the most popular vampiric artist?

Vincent Fang Gogh!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do dubstep artists do when they get horny?

They wub one out

How can you tell Bach was a starving artist?

He was baroque.

What kind of shoes do artists wear?

Sketchers...

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason...

The details are sketchy

An artist’s struggle.

A guy wants a large self-portrait comissioned. When he is given a quote, he gets angry about having to pay for it. The artist replies “I guess you don’t get the big picture”.

My grandfather was a brilliant artist.

He had an amazing stroke.

​

​

​

That's how he died.

Ive just been molested by a group of mime artists...

They did unspeakable things to me.

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"

"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."

*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A danish artist painted pictures of naked women with his penis.

An interested buyer visits his gallery and asks:
"how can u paint those gentle round curves with your penis"
"It wasn't too hard"

got that from the late late show with craig ferguson.

Why does Subway call its employees Sandwich Artists?

So you can finally say you are earning money as an artist.

What did the artist say when his car got stolen?

“Where did my Van Gogh?”

For all of his faults, Hitler was noteworthy as a dedicated artist.

In fact, the last thing he did before he died was paint the wall of his bunker.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you guys ever heard of this artist Rorschach?

All he does is draw pictures of dicks. Over and over and over.

The results for “The Disaster Artist” are in.

Overall, it’s received Hi Marks.

They say that good artists borrow but great artists steal

Anyways, that's how I got banned from the Louvre.

I love watching a mime artist

I even give him invisible money

A Chinese calligraphy artist passed out after finishing the first brush...

People said that he had one nasty stroke.

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.

Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.

Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this mor...

I don’t know what it is about artists

but I feel like I’m drawn to them.

R Kelly is really changing the rap game

He takes the art out of rap artist

An artist lives next to a Marsh.

Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious f...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once an artist in San Francisco...

Every Saturday he would visit Pier 39 and silently sculpt statues of sea animals. But at the end of each session instead of selling these statues he would splash colorful paints on them and then brutally attack the pieces with various tools and only THEN open the items up for bid.

On one Satu...

Hitmen are just like any other artist...

You don't want sloppy execution

What's the difference between an artist and a large pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four

What do artists say to each other before they duel?

avant garde!

What do you call 5 artists stuck on an island?

Marooned 5

What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a rap artist

art

Did you hear Buffalo Bill reformed and is now a pick up artist and skin care specialist?

He puts the lotion in the basket and then he gets the hoes again

What is the difference between priest and con-artist?

Priest are so good they fooled themselves.

I’m a big fan of Hip-Hop cover artists

My personal favorite is Repost Malone

A con artist, a pervert, and a racist walks into a bar.

The barkeep looks up and says "The usual, Mr. Trump?"

TIL a modern artist created a stringed instrument out of a tree branch that was only to be played in the event of the government being overthrown.

It was a coup-stick.

Not a fan of the Disaster Artist...

I hope he doesn't get re-elected in 2020

As an artist, it doesn't matter if Im naughty or nice for Christmas.

Either way, Im getting charcoal.

Did you hear about Prince?

Well I mean the artist formerly known as Prince.

Why are Subway cooks called "Sandwich Artists"?

Even art majors deserve recognition

A girl brings her new fiance home to meet her parents for the very first time.

So a girl brings her new fiancee home to meet her parents. Boy looks like a hipster (scarf, big bushy beard, etc.) Understandably, her father would like to know the boy better and so he takes him to his study for a private conversation.

Dad: "So, John. What do you do for a living?"

Fia...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.