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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the town's people punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “...

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A homosexual, a con artist and a child molester walk into a bar.

"What can I get you, father," asks the bartender.

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time..

.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, sure. I would love to here it. " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

I got my tattoo artist to write “Tattoo artists are stupid” on my back.

I thought I got him pretty good until I realized the joke was on me.

A lawer, a surgeon, and a janitor are going on a camping trip...

when they discover a magical wizard. He says, "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The lawyer says, "Easy! I'll be a kindergarten teacher! How hard can it be to read to a bunch of little kids?" He gets transported into a classroom. He starts off stron...

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I hooked up with a martial artist last week.

She floated like a butterfly, and now it stings when I pee.

What's an Etch-A-Sketch artists's worst nightmare?

An earthquake.

I made a diss track about s’mores only one artist said it was hot

Marshmello

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A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free

Tit for tat

Why do ghosts make terrible con artists?

Because you can see right through them

R Kelly is really changing the rap game

He takes the art out of rap artist

I don’t trust caricature artists.

They sketch me out.

I know a secret joke about an escape artist...

Ah darn it, never mind. It’s already gotten out.

An Artist called up the Gallery.

An Artist called up the Gallery to ask about his painting. He was down on his luck and wanted to knows whether he made any profits.

"Oh, yes,'' replied the director. ''I have good news and bad news. Just this morning a gentlemen called and inquired on the price of your work and it's value i...

How does an artist get around?

Well, quite easel-y.

I ran into a famous artist at the airport and politely asked if I could take a picture. He said yes and smiled at me.

I don't understand why he suddenly got so angry when I asked if I may keep the frame.

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A Man Walks Into a Tattoo Shop Asking for $100 bill on penis

A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request. "Uh, are you sure about this sir?"

"Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever."

"Ok. May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particul...

Why are origami artists terrible at poker?

They are constantly folding

So, an artist, a mathematician, and a fisherman commit a crime

And I was looking at the file and it looks kinda sketchy, it doesn’t add up. There’s definitely something fishy going on.

My artist wife started cheating on me with a psychic...

She did say she wanted to experiment with a new medium.

What you say when a heavy metal artist die?

Rust in peace

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My roommate in college was a weird performance artist who outlined all his paintings using his penis.

I should have never moved in with Dick Tracy.

Did you hear about the deaf man who escaped a murderous gang of mute mime artists?

Yeah, he saw them coming.

My friend the artist told me he didn’t have any cyan, azure, cobalt, navy, royal, or sapphire paint.

That was completely out of the blue.

I was talking to a hipster when he asked me my favorite underground artist.

I replied Whitney Houston

Why did the redneck get colored pencils before he got his flu shot?

He heard that vaccines can make you artistic.

My art major friend was told the other day, a true artist should please no one but themselves

besides of course, their Starbucks managers

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What do you call an artist who scratches his butt?

Pick-ass-o

What artist helps you with your workout?

Cardi O

Why was the high wire artist denied insurance?

Outstanding balance.

An Austrian, an Artist, and a Fascist walk into a bar

It went all Reich

I went to study under a pickup artist.

Still no luck with women, but my truck looks great.

What did the paintbrush say to the artist?

Nothing. Paintbrushes don't talk.



Weirdo.

What would you call a Jewish, Reggae Artist, and a Gangster?

Jew-Mon-G

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A rapist and con artist gets caught by the sheriff in a small town.

But he gets released because sitting presidents can't be indicted.

I took my first course in 'How to be a sketch artist' only yesterday

And I'm already drawing large crowds.

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The artist and the museum (long)

An artist is approached by a man who says he's to be the curator of a new museum dedicated to General George Custer and he wanted to hire the artist to paint a mural that was to be the centerpiece of the largest display.

The artist agrees and asks the curator if he had any particular subject...

A struggling artist stops by the studio where his recent work is hanging for sale.

The owner tells him he has good news and bad news.



“The good news is that a man dropped by the studio today and put in an offer to buy every single piece. He just wanted my guarantee that the works would be worth twice what he paid if you were to pass away. I told him they would doubl...

What's the difference between an unusual undercooked pasta, and the easing of tensions between a famous parody artist and the singers he parodies?

One is a weird al dente, and the other is a "Weird Al" detente.

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Con artist warning!

A warning to all the guys:
Two girls have been reported to steal men's wallets.
They use the following scam:
The girls wait in the parking lot of a big superstore. Once they have spotted their victim, they will ask him for a ride to the city.
One will get on the passenger seat, the other...

An old lady goes into a tattoo shop and says to the tattoo artist, "I want a tattoo of Elvis Presley on my inner thigh."

The artist agrees and says that he would be happy to do a portrait of Elvis for her.

He finishes up the tattoo and tells the old lady to check it out. She looks down and is furious. "This looks nothing like Elvis! I'm not paying for this!" she yells.

"Are you kidding me? That's th...

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What does a female martial artist refer to masturbation as?

Hand to gland combat.

What’s the difference between a folder of an artist work and a diseased strong hold?

One’s a portfolio, and the other’s fort polio

An origami artist wanted for murder, has been sending tantalizing clues to police.

The investigation is unfolding.

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An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.

No one can see the piece before it is completed.

Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a m...

What did the Billboard Top 40 artist say when she broke up with her boyfriend before kicking him out of a helicopter?

new single dropping soon!

A nude artist dies while climbing Mt Everest

Nobody paid them, they had to do it for the exposure.

Did you hear about the artist that painted nude models for free?

He did it for the exposure.

Artist found dead in home

Details are sketchy

What kind of underwear does an artist wear?

Drawers

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistre...

An artist thought he had lost his favorite color of paint but...

It was just a pigment of his imagination

How many country artists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two.

One changes the light bulb, the other one makes a song how good the old light bulb was.

What do Beethoven and the hiphop artist Lil'Jon have in common?

What?!

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[OC] I saw a Japanese martial artist, I've seen him on tv before so I excitedly waved at him. He was confused and said "I don't believe we've met"

I said "I recognize Judo".

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet–Polish friendship, to be called "Lenin in Poland."

When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests; the painting depicts Lenin's wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky. A voice calls out, "But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?" To which the painter replies, "Lenin is in Poland."

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A soviet artist is instructed to make a painting about soviet workers

He presents them a painting of what appears to be three naked African men, one of which has a white penis. He is asked by his commissioner. "What the hell is this," he is asked "They're actually coal miners who has finished working and were heading to the showers, I'll have you know!". "Okay, and wh...

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Why are martial artists so stylish?

Cause they always have kick-ass shoes!

An artist had his first gallery showing.

The show was a mild success. He sold a few paintings and met some critics and seemed to make a good impression. But he wasn't feeling well so he made his apologies and went home to bed before the show was over.

The next day he calls the gallery director to see how the rest of the show went....

Who was Lenin’s favorite hip-hop artist?

MC Hammer & Sickle

What pen does the annoyed artist use?

Ugh, fine.

I like music by underground artists

Like Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain, Michael Jackson, John Lennon, Bob Marley and Prince.

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An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business ...

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to Minnesota to have portraits done.

One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house.

Inside was a beautiful woman, who asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole.

The woman said money was no object. She was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get in...

How does an artist donate to charity

They draw blood.

What do you call an origami artist from the Philippines?

A Manila folder

How did the artist with the trust fund pay for all his supplies?

With the money he got from his dada.

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What did the women say to the tattoo artist before flashing him?

Tit for tat?

(I'm sorry in advance. No more internet for me today)

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Do you know what an artist and a sniper have in common?

Being fucking useless in close quarters

An artist walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I don't like the way the art world is going. I've read that in the future many exhibitions will only feature digital images displayed on plasma screens in darkened, futuristic galleries," he complained to the bartender. "I'm going to miss the art formerly known as prints.

People are always amazed at the skilled tattoo artists in Spain.

No one expects the Spanish ink precision

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

Why can't you trust an artist?

Cuz they're sketchy, shady, and they'll frame you

Why do artists hate working in really cold environments?

Because all they get is exposure.

How can you tell Bach was a starving artist?

He was baroque.

Jackson Pollock is your favorite artist?

Weird flecks, but okay.

What do you call a martial artist who doesn't understand a concept?

Kungfused.

What's a martial artists favorite drink?

Wata!!

Ive just been molested by a group of mime artists...

They did unspeakable things to me.

What’s the toughest thing for an artist to draw?

A salary.

(Credit to u/arguablytrue)

What is a kid artist’s favourite nursery rhyme?

Pop goes the easel.

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What do you call an artist with a brown finger?

Picasshole

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason...

The details are sketchy

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For all of his faults, Hitler was noteworthy as a dedicated artist.

In fact, the last thing he did before he died was paint the wall of his bunker.

Who was the most popular vampiric artist?

Vincent Fang Gogh!

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What do dubstep artists do when they get horny?

They wub one out

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"

"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."

*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job...

An artist’s struggle.

A guy wants a large self-portrait comissioned. When he is given a quote, he gets angry about having to pay for it. The artist replies “I guess you don’t get the big picture”.

My grandfather was a brilliant artist.

He had an amazing stroke.







That's how he died.

What kind of shoes do artists wear?

Sketchers...

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A danish artist painted pictures of naked women with his penis.

An interested buyer visits his gallery and asks:
"how can u paint those gentle round curves with your penis"
"It wasn't too hard"

got that from the late late show with craig ferguson.

The results for “The Disaster Artist” are in.

Overall, it’s received Hi Marks.

What did the artist say to get his vehicle moving

Van Gogh

They say that good artists borrow but great artists steal

Anyways, that's how I got banned from the Louvre.

Why does Subway call its employees Sandwich Artists?

So you can finally say you are earning money as an artist.

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Have you guys ever heard of this artist Rorschach?

All he does is draw pictures of dicks. Over and over and over.

What do you call an amputee that does karate?

A partial artist

I love watching a mime artist

I even give him invisible money

I don’t know what it is about artists

but I feel like I’m drawn to them.

A Chinese calligraphy artist passed out after finishing the first brush...

People said that he had one nasty stroke.

A police artist is drawing a sketch.

Police artist: "So, he had grey hair, grey eyes, grey shoes, medium build, no glasses and wore a grey suit."

Dog: "Correct!"

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.

Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.

Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this mor...

An artist lives next to a Marsh.

Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious f...

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

What's the difference between Bill Cosby and a rap artist

art

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[hospital] SURGEON: [lowers mask] I'm sorry, we were unable to separate the art from the artist

ME: is he

S: yes, he's still an asshole

What's the difference between an artist and a large pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four

What do you call 5 artists stuck on an island?

Marooned 5

I’m a big fan of Hip-Hop cover artists

My personal favorite is Repost Malone

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