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Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In...

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends how hard you throw them.

I decided to use my knife to save ammo

Apparently that’s not allowed in paintball

Two painters paint a house and hand the customer the bill.

The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says, “You guys did such a good job. Why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”



The head painter looks at the man and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”

They say if you paint an elephant’s toenails red, you won’t see it in a strawberry patch

You are probably thinking, “That’s impossible. Elephants are huge!”

But ask yourself: have I ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?

No?

Then it obviously works!

**Courtesy of a little book I read as a child and think is cute

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Why do Elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.
What’s the loudest sound in the jungle ?
Giraffes eating cherries.

In early The Who gigs their drummer would sometimes go on stage dressed in nothing but a layer of blue paint. However, he didn't do it too often.

In fact, it would only happen once in a blue Moon.

When does red paint smell like blue paint?

Always.

I went to the paint store to ask for a shade

But the guy claimed no such shade existed. It must have been a pigment of my imagination.

Two men are hired to paint a church

The job doesnt pay too well, so they wanted to save as much money as possible so they bought only as much paint as they thought was needed.

As they are getting close to finishing, they realized that they were not going to have enough paint left to finish the job. One of the men has the brill...

Ive been using knives to save ammo in my games.

Btw I’ve been banned from the paintball arena

What's The Difference Between A Paint Shaker and Michael J. Fox?

A paint shaker works even if you let it keep its pills.

GOT SPOILER What is the Night King’s favorite paint color?

Burnt Umber

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An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.

No one can see the piece before it is completed.

Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a m...

A snail took his car to a paint shop.

He had them paint a giant S on the side. When he was cruising down the street someone yelled out at him. "Look at that S car go!"

There's a new category of art where people paint babies who died in childbirth.

Still life.

Huckleberry Finn seemed really unsure if he was going to paint my house today.

I guess he was still on the fence.

My friend the artist told me he didn’t have any cyan, azure, cobalt, navy, royal, or sapphire paint.

That was completely out of the blue.

So a sleazy house painter gets a contract to paint a rectory.

Being the swindler cheapskate he is, he stirs water into the paint to save a buck. The painter hastily slaps the paint onto the rectory, and right as he applies the last stroke, the weather, which had been perfectly clear and sunny, instantly went dark, and a torrential rain poured down. The cheap p...

Someone called me racist for saying "black paint."

Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."

Did you hear about the painter who died?

Apparently it was due to too many strokes

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the...

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My wife told me to paint her like one of my "french girls".

To which I replied, "oh shit..(how did she find out about that)".

An artist thought he had lost his favorite color of paint but...

It was just a pigment of his imagination

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. That way we won’t get paint on our clothes and can move more freely to get the job done faster. So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who ...

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

Baby Boomers grow up around a lot of lead paint. Lead paint causes long term mental effects like antisocial behavior, short attention span, and reduced brain development.

And there we have explained Donald Trump

Women are like wet paint.

Irresistible to touch,

Hard to get off your hands.

What transformer loves to paint?

Optimus Primer

People: nobody could ever paint so many paintings in a very short time

Vincent van gogh: Hold my ear

What’s a pirates favourite paint?

Davy Jones Lacquer.

What colour did Matthew McConaughey paint his house?

All white, all white, all white.

What do the FBI and MS Paint have in common?

They don't support transparency.

If I paint my PC black

will it run faster or stop working?

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.


How do you know if it works?

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

What happens if you paint a barn red in Norway?

A pair of very angry Norwegian speaking parents.

I was a bit nervous when I told my new friend that I wanted to paint her in the nude...

but I guess my biggest mistake was disrobing before she had a chance to agree.

This world is so politically incorrect we can't even say 'black paint.'

We have to say "Tyrone, would you please paint that wall?"

A priest hires a contractor to paint his house.

The contractor thins out his paints using water hoping to stretch out his supply, so the final product ends up quite lacking. When the priest confronts him about it, he apologizes and asks if the priest would like him to redo everything.

The priest tells him, "Repaint, and thin no more."

I told my (blonde) sister this joke: "How do you confuse a blond? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her."

She replied, "I don't get it."

Who was this Rorschach guy?

And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

What do you call the worlds most famous oil painting?

The Gulf Of Mexico.

Dipping your beaks into different coloured paints, eh?

Well, toucans play at that game.

The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic

Medics say he needed a second coat

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Trump wants to paint the Whitehouse. He asks for a quote from a Chinese guy, a European, and a Turk.

The Chinese guy says he can do it for 3 million dollars, the European says he can do it for 7 million, and the Turk says he can do it for 10 million.

Trump asks the Chinese man why it would cost 3 million and he responds "one for paint, one for my workers, and one for my profit".

Tru...

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I walked into my dyslexic friend’s room, and saw him putting black paint on his penis.

I said, “I know it is Daylight Savings time, but you are supposed to put your Clock Back.”

What do you get when you dip a chicken in paint?

A crosswalk.

My wife walked into the garage where I was sitting with brush in hand and can of black paint

She yelled, "No you fool!! What I said to you was to remember to turn your clock back!!"

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"I slept with a pair of 18 year old twins last night!" - said a young man to his best mate. 'Wow, awesome!' replied his mate. "How could you tell them apart?". "Easy, Janet paints her nails red..."

"... and Bob has a cock".

A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint!

The sailors were marooned.

Did you hear about the new paint called "blonde" paint?

It's not very bright but it spreads easily.

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Two nuns are told to paint a room.

However, as part of their assignment, the Mother Superior informs them that they must paint the entire room and not get a drop of paint on their habits.

After much debate, the two nuns decide that the best course of action would be to paint the room naked, and proceed to remove their habits...

A guy picks up a hooker

She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300.00. as long as you can say it in three words.”

The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300.00 on the table and says slowly.

“Paint…my….house.”

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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

I picked out a color of grey paint the other day, I guess the salesman didn't like it.

He just said "Oh, the hue manatee."

Why did the thief always paint his hands blue before doing a heist?

To make sure he was not caught red-handed

A thief stole a leaky tin of paint and is well hidden in the mall...

The police found him by following the blueprints.

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Paddy is about to get married and asks his best friend Murphy how can he tell if is wife to be is a virgin. "Tis easy Paddy, all you need is a small tin of red paint, a small to of blue paint and a shovel"says Murphy "How the feck does that work Murphy"? asks Paddy

"Well" says Murphy, "You paint one ball red and the other ball blue, and when you climb into bed naked and she says..


"Paddy, they're the strangest balls I've ever seen", you smack her with the shovel"

Just bought a new game where you have to paint pictures of Ancient Iran

It’s called Prints of Persia

Donald trump wants to paint the white house

Donald trump wants to paint the white house.. He calls for quotation.

Chinese guy quoted 3 million. European guy quoted 7 million.
Indian guy quoted 10 million.

Trump asked chinese guy.."..how did u quote 3 million..?" Chinese guy replied .. "1 million for paint 1 million for labour...

How is being in a game of paintball and war similar?

You often see people dye.

Three americans are competing to paint a foreign flag on a white sheet of canvas ...

The three are given only 30 minutes to complete their assignment.

The first student decides to paint Germany's flag, the second will paint the United Kingdom's, and the third Hungary's.

The first and second are already making good progress. The third's about to take his first brush str...

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they looked like hares.

Falling in love is like eating paint chips.

Things might look pretty now, but in time you're going to feel dumb.

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I once dated a girl with a twin.

People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was pretty simple, Rachel always painted her nails purple and Dave had a cock.

Did you hear about the guy who broke into a paint factory?

he was caught red handed

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House...

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House. He asks Chinese contractors how much they would charge. They say 3 million. He asks European contractors how much they would charge. They say 7 million. He asks Ecuadorian contractors how much they would charge. They say 10 million.

Trump ...

A guy goes into a bar for a drink

He orders a beer and a beautiful woman walks up to him and says, "hey, for $300 bucks I'll do anything you want . . . Anything. "

He raises an eyebrow and replies "anything?"

She nods "anything!"

He pulls out his wallet excitedly and removes 3 crisp $100 bills and gives it to he...

Q: Why go to the paint store when you're on a diet?

A: You can get thinner there.

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