Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House. He asks Chinese contractors how much they would charge. They say 3 million. He asks European contractors how much they would charge. They say 7 million. He asks Ecuadorian contractors how much they would charge. They say 10 million.


Trum...

What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

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I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People kept asking me how I could tell them apart. Easy.

Jill paints her nails purple. John has a dick.

I asked some painters to come paint my home the other day and they’ve just arrived. They’ve spent the day here and now they’re finishing up.

The head painter hands me the bill and I notice it says “$0”

I say “you guys did such a long tiring and fantastic job, why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

The head painter looks at me and says,

“Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house”

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further.

So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the s...

What do you call it when Eminem paints a picture?

Marshall Arts

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "H...

Did you hear that MS Paint got married?

Now it's called MRS Paint.

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Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In...

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

Think about it, never seen an elephant in a cherry tree have you?

I decided to use my knife to save ammo

Apparently that’s not allowed in paintball

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. That way we won’t get paint on our clothes and can move more freely to get the job done faster. So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who ...

I went to the paint store to ask for a shade

But the guy claimed no such shade existed. It must have been a pigment of my imagination.

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Why do Elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.
What’s the loudest sound in the jungle ?
Giraffes eating cherries.

In early The Who gigs their drummer would sometimes go on stage dressed in nothing but a layer of blue paint. However, he didn't do it too often.

In fact, it would only happen once in a blue Moon.

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

It depends on how hard you throw them.

Someone called me racist for saying "black paint."

Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."

They say if you paint an elephant’s toenails red, you won’t see it in a strawberry patch

You are probably thinking, “That’s impossible. Elephants are huge!”

But ask yourself: have I ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?

No?

Then it obviously works!

**Courtesy of a little book I read as a child and think is cute

Ive been using knives to save ammo in my games.

Btw I’ve been banned from the paintball arena

My art teacher says that i am obsessed with The Rolling Stones and told me to stop painting their logo in her class.

So i Paint It Black

Two men are hired to paint a church

The job doesnt pay too well, so they wanted to save as much money as possible so they bought only as much paint as they thought was needed.

As they are getting close to finishing, they realized that they were not going to have enough paint left to finish the job. One of the men has the brill...

GOT SPOILER What is the Night King’s favorite paint color?

Burnt Umber

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An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.

No one can see the piece before it is completed.

Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a m...

A snail took his car to a paint shop.

He had them paint a giant S on the side. When he was cruising down the street someone yelled out at him. "Look at that S car go!"

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

Huckleberry Finn seemed really unsure if he was going to paint my house today.

I guess he was still on the fence.

There's a new category of art where people paint babies who died in childbirth.

Still life.

What colour did Matthew McConaughey paint his house?

All white, all white, all white.

Did you hear about the painter who died?

Apparently it was due to too many strokes

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My wife told me to paint her like one of my "french girls".

To which I replied, "oh shit..(how did she find out about that)".

An artist thought he had lost his favorite color of paint but...

It was just a pigment of his imagination

My friend the artist told me he didn’t have any cyan, azure, cobalt, navy, royal, or sapphire paint.

That was completely out of the blue.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red.

A: To hide in the cherry trees!

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?? Then I guess it works!

(As told by my mid-70s, overall wearin, Southern Comfort drinkin neighbor.)

Baby Boomers grow up around a lot of lead paint. Lead paint causes long term mental effects like antisocial behavior, short attention span, and reduced brain development.

And there we have explained Donald Trump

What do the FBI and MS Paint have in common?

They don't support transparency.

Women are like wet paint.

Irresistible to touch,

Hard to get off your hands.

People: nobody could ever paint so many paintings in a very short time

Vincent van gogh: Hold my ear

What transformer loves to paint?

Optimus Primer

What’s a pirates favourite paint?

Davy Jones Lacquer.

So a sleazy house painter gets a contract to paint a rectory.

Being the swindler cheapskate he is, he stirs water into the paint to save a buck. The painter hastily slaps the paint onto the rectory, and right as he applies the last stroke, the weather, which had been perfectly clear and sunny, instantly went dark, and a torrential rain poured down. The cheap p...

If I paint my PC black

will it run faster or stop working?

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Trump wants to paint the Whitehouse. He asks for a quote from a Chinese guy, a European, and a Turk.

The Chinese guy says he can do it for 3 million dollars, the European says he can do it for 7 million, and the Turk says he can do it for 10 million.

Trump asks the Chinese man why it would cost 3 million and he responds "one for paint, one for my workers, and one for my profit".

Tru...

What happens if you paint a barn red in Norway?

A pair of very angry Norwegian speaking parents.

This world is so politically incorrect we can't even say 'black paint.'

We have to say "Tyrone, would you please paint that wall?"

I told my (blonde) sister this joke: "How do you confuse a blond? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her."

She replied, "I don't get it."

I was a bit nervous when I told my new friend that I wanted to paint her in the nude...

but I guess my biggest mistake was disrobing before she had a chance to agree.

A priest hires a contractor to paint his house.

The contractor thins out his paints using water hoping to stretch out his supply, so the final product ends up quite lacking. When the priest confronts him about it, he apologizes and asks if the priest would like him to redo everything.

The priest tells him, "Repaint, and thin no more."

Who was this Rorschach guy?

And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

What do you call the worlds most famous oil painting?

The Gulf Of Mexico.

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Two nuns are told to paint a room.

However, as part of their assignment, the Mother Superior informs them that they must paint the entire room and not get a drop of paint on their habits.

After much debate, the two nuns decide that the best course of action would be to paint the room naked, and proceed to remove their habits...

The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic

Medics say he needed a second coat

What do you get when you dip a chicken in paint?

A crosswalk.

Dipping your beaks into different coloured paints, eh?

Well, toucans play at that game.

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I walked into my dyslexic friend’s room, and saw him putting black paint on his penis.

I said, “I know it is Daylight Savings time, but you are supposed to put your Clock Back.”

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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

Did you hear about the new paint called "blonde" paint?

It's not very bright but it spreads easily.

My wife walked into the garage where I was sitting with brush in hand and can of black paint

She yelled, "No you fool!! What I said to you was to remember to turn your clock back!!"

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"I slept with a pair of 18 year old twins last night!" - said a young man to his best mate. 'Wow, awesome!' replied his mate. "How could you tell them apart?". "Easy, Janet paints her nails red..."

"... and Bob has a cock".

A guy picks up a hooker

She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300.00. as long as you can say it in three words.”

The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300.00 on the table and says slowly.

“Paint…my….house.”

A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint!

The sailors were marooned.

I picked out a color of grey paint the other day, I guess the salesman didn't like it.

He just said "Oh, the hue manatee."

Why did the thief always paint his hands blue before doing a heist?

To make sure he was not caught red-handed

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