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Naked painting

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear ...

The owner of dulux paints died today, he froze to death atop a mountain

Police report states he could of done with another coat.

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Hitler could've been better with his paintings.

Too bad he didn't believe in mixing colours.

What’s red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint

Why did the snail paint a big S on the side of his vehicle?

So when he drove by people would say "look at that S car go!"

Someone has spray painted a swastika on Donald Trump's star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The police are still trying to figure out if it was a supporter or an opponent.

A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"

They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.

"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and ...

Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter?

It was an egg shell lent idea

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My girlfriend thought it would be kinky to paint our privates, but after I painted my nuts, she changed her mind and left

I've had blue balls ever since

A bucket of paint almost fell on my head

I nearly dyed

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Why doesn't Hitler use nail paint?

He hates the Polish.

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Having invented a time machine I'm going to do the art world a favor

I'm going to make sure Adolf Hitler never gets into art school. I'm tired of seeing his paintings everywhere.

Painting job

A Sardar recently arrived in the US

and wanting to earn some money, decides to become a ‘handy-man’ and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby.

He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, another Indian, if he had any odd jobs for him to ...

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What do you call a painting of a lady made on your butt

AnaLisa

Was painting my boat when a dolphin swam by and got some paint on its fin.

It wasn't on porpoise.

A Nigerian Governor wants to paint the Government house.

A Nigerian Governor wants to paint the Government house. He calls for quotation....
Chinese guy quoted 3 million.
European guy quoted 7 million.
Nigerian guy quoted 10 million.
The Governor asked the chinese guy.."..
how did u quote 3 million..?"
Chinese guy replied .."1 million ...

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Heard the body paint store now has some color mixes named after emotions

Well, color me surprised!

also English is not my first language and I am really proud of that shitty joke

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw em.

I couldn't find any neutral colours while shopping for paint. I asked the assistant if they had any.

He replied "Not currently, but I have grey taupes for the future"

I just heard the owner of Dulux paint passed away on Mount Everest

Apparently he could've done with another coat

Two idiots are painting the roof of the barn...

Two idiots are painting the roof of the barn when it catches on fire. The only way down is to jump into the manure pile.

The first idiot says, “I’ll jump first and tell you how deep it is.” He jumps, and a few seconds later the second idiot hears, “it’s only ankle deep!”

The second id...

I once insulted an artist about his bad painting

He just brushed it off.

I went to a store looking for something to buy, but they only sold paintings of the same sad guy.

No wait!

This store sells mirrors.

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Four married guys going diving. The following conversation took place...

First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out diving this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy, "...

Which font do the protesters use to paint BLACK LIVES MATTER onto the streets of New York City?

Times Square New Roman.

I hate that you cant say "black paint" anymore

You have to say
"George can you please paint the wall?"

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

What does red paint smell like?

Chlorinated rubber, water, isopropanol, titanium dioxide, castoreum

Just saw a color at the paint store called "Thot".

It's not too bright but it spreads easily.

I told my wife she was painting her eyebrows top high.

She looked surprised.

Did you hear about the painting that killed someone?

Turns out it was framed

What do you call a man covered in blue paint with a wrench taped to his hand?

Confused.

A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls.

The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.

Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.

The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: “For best results, put on two ...

I don't know why my painting career never took off

Doctors always told me I was on the artistic spectrum.

My painting burned up when I dabbed my paintbrush on the canvas while it had the colour sky blue.

It must have been a lighter shade of blue.

“But painting a giant mural is going to cost us lots of money in the short term!”

“Well, you’ve just gotta think about the big picture!”

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ...

... I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.

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Irish exchange student

I was volunteering in my sons 1st grade class. During their vocabulary session the teacher begins her lesson with the word Contagious.

So the teacher asks, “can anyone use the word contagious in a sentence?”

And of course, there is a little girl in the front who raises her hand. “The ...

Did you hear about the woman who went down on the dude with a painted face who only used his hands and facial expressions to communicate?

It was mime-blowing

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A group of nuns were remodeling their church.

Today they were painting the walls. They didn't want to get paint on their habits (their nun clothes), so they decided to lock the doors and paint naked...

...they were butt naked and painting when suddenly someone knocked on the cathedral doors. Sister Mary explained to her sisters that ever...

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Farmer John and his wife Mary lived on a big piece of land in the middle of Ohio.

They did pretty well for themselves, but as all affluent farmers will know, farming is not easy money. After a few years of living together and working very hard, their marriage started to fall apart. Being just as determined to keep their marriage together as they were to keep their farm running, t...

So I went into get a flu vaccine today.

The nurse that was administering the Vaccine asked me the prequalifying questions. Have you had a flu vaccine before? Yes. Have you done your research on the vaccine? Yes. Do you understand the possible side effects? Actually I am quite excited about the side effects. She looks at me confused. ...

NSFW A 90 year old woman walks by her bathroom

A 90 year old woman walks by her bathroom on fall evening, and sees her 90 year old husband. He has a can of spray paint and is spray painting his nether regions. She stops and yells, “ You idiot! You’re supposed to turn your clock back!”

Typical Camp Commander

A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 soldiers guarding a bench. He went over and asked them why do they do it.

"We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did. It is some sort of regimental tradition!"

The new camp commander sea...

What do you call an economist who sells fake paintings online?

An E-con artist.

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly ...

What do you say to a painting that has been falsely accused of being a fake?

You’ve been framed.

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A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.

She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $100 as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $100 on the bar, and says slowly. "Paint…my….house."

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I’ve dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink

and Michael had a penis.

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Three Men Came to America

One Irish One Canadian and One Mexican. They all lined up to pass their citizenship test.

The professor said...ok. Use the word contagious in a sentence. If you get this correct you pass and will be American Citizens.

The professor asks the Canadian to use the word contagious in a sen...

5 And’s

Not really a joke, more like general humor

A teacher asks her class how many times they can use the same word in a row, in a grammatically correct sentence.

Jimmy says he can use the word “and” 5 times. So the gauntlet was thrown down

He tells the story - there was a painter hi...

A struggling corporation fires its CEO and hires a new one. (Oldie but goodie)

The outgoing CEO has a meeting with the new CEO and tells him: "Behind the painting on the wall is a safe. There are three numbered envelopes in the safe. If you find yourself in trouble, and fear for your job, open the first one. The next time you're trouble, open the second, and so on. Do not open...

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Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In...

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What do you get when you cross spray paint with paint thinner?

High as fuck.

My friend claims that he can make the best red paint you’ve ever seen out of raw beef

It looks great, but it’s only meaty ochre

The President asks 3 people if they can paint the White House

He asks a Chinese person how much money will he need and he says “3 million dollars. 1 million for the paint, 1 million for the workers and 1 million for me”

He asks an American person how much money will he need and he says “7 million. 2 million for the paint 3 million for the workers and 2 ...

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Woman in the 1800s becomes very upset after seeing the painting an artist had done for her. She says to him, "I tell you I want a painting commemorating my husband's last thoughts, and you give me cows with halos and Indians making love?”

"Miss," he says. "Those are your husband's last thoughts." "Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians."

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I ran out of condoms, so I tried a coat of latex paint.

Oh it worked, but I couldn't piss for two days!

A man goes into an antiques dealership carrying a violin and a painting. "Hi. I found these in the loft of the house I've just bought. I'm interested in having them valued with a view to selling them." The owner, duly fascinated takes them into the back to give them the once over.

"Very interesting." he tells the man on his return. "You realise, you've got a genuine Rembrandt and a bona fide Stradivarius here."

"That's wonderful- I'm rich!" exclaims the man.

"Not so fast, son." replies the dealer- "Rembrandt violins are notorious poor quality and Stradivarius co...

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A man wanted to become a rich and famous painter...

But he lacked the skills. So the Devil came to him and said "I will make you a world class painter, you'll be rich and famous. In exchange, I want your soul." The painter agreed, and Lucifer snapped his fingers. A set of brushes appeared, which Satan quickly possessed. After being possessed by Satan...

Whats the difference between a Girlfriend, a Hooker and a Wife?

The Girlfriend says: "are you finished already?"

The Hooker says: "aren't you finished yet?"

The Wife says: "Blue..... we should paint this ceiling Blue"

I was looking for maroon spray paint but couldn’t find it

True story:

Years ago I was looking for maroon spray paint but couldn’t find it. I asked the hardware store employee if they had any. She’d never heard of maroon before.

“You’re making that up,” she said.

I replied, “Yeah, it’s a pigment of my machinations.”

In retrospe...

A new general was allotted to a new army base

After some time in the base he realised how there were two army men guarding an empty bench all the time. He asked his colleagues and his juniors what it was all about. A colleague said “I don’t know but it’s been happening since I joined 35 years ago.” The general confused as he was went through th...

A teacher asks her class to use the word Contagious in a sentence...

Harry says: 'At the End of WW1 there was the spanish flu & it was very contagious'

'That's right', said the teacher



Jessica stands up & says: 'In Europe during the middle ages there was the bubonic plague & it was highly contagious'


'Well Done' notes th...

A painter gets a helper from the unemployment office

A few days later the lady from the office calls the painter and apologizes deeply for the mistake.

"What mistake?"

"I'm so sorry, instead of a painter we sent you a gynecologist. Please just let him go, we send you a..."

"Let him go? You nuts, he's my best worker! At the last jo...

How many steps? - Add questions if you have something similar.

* How many steps does it take to put an elephant in the fridge?
* Three: open the fridge, put the elephant in, close the fridge.
* How many steps does it take to put a giraffe in the fridge?
* Four: open the fridge, get the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the fridge.
* All the an...

Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.

He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.

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What have women and wet paint got in common?

Irresistible to touch, hard to get off of your fucking hands.

The NYPD is reporting that Antifa has painted convincing-looking tunnels on walls to trick New York's Finest into running into them at high speed

They're calling it "operation meep-meep"

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Why did the police officer paint his penis black?

So he could beat it at work without penalty.

My grandpa isn't very computer savvy

So my Grandpa (72) got on the internet only recently and is still very unsure about how to use it. A month or so ago I taught him how to use email, to his amazement.
I also showed him how web browsing works and showed him how to put questions into Google search.
Yesterday he was planning t...

A ship carrying red paint ­collided with another one carrying purple paint.

Both crews are said to be marooned

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Pope: paint me a beautiful art on the ceiling of the Sistine chapel and I will reward your work with exposure.

**Michaelangelo:** uhh sure sir, I will paint you a beautiful ceiling sir.

**Also Michaelangelo, mildly infuriated:** gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dick's out talking bout reward with exposure. Fuck you. Pay me.

Pragmatism wins!

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work.

They finally went with mine. “I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said. “No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll...

"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"

Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"

Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for on...

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My fallback joke that I've been telling for about 20 years at this point.

A teacher isn't seeing much engagement in her class so, she decides to get the students more involved she offers up a proposition.

She tells all of her students that every Friday she is going to ask a "Question of the Day", if the students can get it right they can take the day off of school ...

Did you hear about the crab that could paint?

There was a crab that people taught how to paint. He eventually got better and started painting these Renaissance-like paintings

His name was Leonardo Da-Pinchi

Two painters paint a house and hand the customer the bill.

The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says, “You guys did such a good job. Why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”



The head painter looks at the man and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”

A Blonde girl is going door to door trying to earn money for college.

She comes to one guy's house and rings the doorbell.

"Yes?" the man answers.

"Hi there!" greets the blonde happily. "I'm trying to earn money for college. Do you have any jobs around the house you need done?"

The guy smiles. "Sorry, sweetheart, not really. I was gonna paint th...

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Two nums were ordered to paint the sanctuary which was being refurbished.

To avoid splattering paint on their habits, they decided to lock the doors and paint in the nude.

After a while, they heard a knock on the door and asked "Who is it?"
The answer came back "Blind man!"

They shrugged and decided to open the door, the blind man couldn't see their...

The ghost of Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin...

appears before Russian president Vladimir Putin and says, “I’ve got two pieces of advice for you; kill your political opponents and paint the Kremlin blue.”

Putin ponders this for awhile, then replies, “Why blue?”

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

An artist talks to his curator about his recent sales

Artist: "So? Did I sell anything?"

Curator: "You won't believe this: a man came by and asked if the value of the paintings will rise after the artist's death. I told him that I think so. So he bought the entire gallery.

Artist: "Wow! That's great! who was he?"

Curator: "It was y...

Teacher: So what’s your sentence that contains the word contagious?

Student: our neighbour is painting a wall with 2 inch brush, my dad says it will take this contagious.

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further.

So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the s...

I asked some painters to come paint my home the other day and they’ve just arrived. They’ve spent the day here and now they’re finishing up.

The head painter hands me the bill and I notice it says “$0”

I say “you guys did such a long tiring and fantastic job, why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

The head painter looks at me and says,

“Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house”

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A prostitute approached me and said, “Hey baby! $500 for anything you want.”

I asked, “Anything??”

She said, “Anything you desire. You just need to say it in 3 words.”

I thought about it for a minute and said, “Paint my house.”

So a snail goes to a car dealership

and requests the fastest sports car the dealer has to offer. The car dealer points him to a brand new red race car, fastest in the market. The snail is ecstatic and buys it, telling the car dealer he'll be back tomorrow to pick it up.

"But before I do pick it up," says the snail, "I'd like a ...

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A class of high school art students are broken into groups...

...and tasked with making silly and creative paintings combining culture with food.

One group decides to paint an Indy race car made out of roti. Another group decides to paint a business suit necktie being grated into cheese. Another group paints Donkey Kong serving up a creepy bowl of banan...

I pulled into my driveway, and someone had painted a large number 3 on my garage door.

I thought, “That’s odd.”

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There’s a painting in a museum of 3 naked black men sitting on a bench, but the man in the middle has a pink penis.

The artist behind the painting is unknown, and no one really knows why the man in the middle has a pink penis. The curator has a story about how pink represents equality at birth, however the true reason was unknown. One day there was a couple touring the museum, and they spent quite a bit of time e...

Two brothers own a painting company

They make their money by mixing paint with water, painting houses, and getting out of town before their clients realise what's wrong. They do this for years and make a financial killing. But one night, while they are painting a house, it starts to rain. The paint starts washing off of the wall as th...

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon.
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!
Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm
and I'll...

A wealthy man had a homeless man come to his door begging for money.

The man said I'm glad to help, but its healthy to work for your money. I've got a porch out back that needs painting. All the painting supplies are ready in the garage. If you paint the porch, I'll pay you $300. The homeless man agrees and heads to the back. About four hours later he goes to the fro...

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The Four Balconies- NSFW

There was an apt building with 4 balconies. On the bottom one there was a guy that loved to eat pickles every day out there. On the balcony above him was an eccentric painter that was obsessed with the color green and if anything, even a leaf flew by, he'd grab it and paint it green. On the 3rd balc...

Crazy naked guy with purple paint

There was this crazy naked guy out side painting everything purple. He painted the lawn purple, he painted the sidewalk purple, the painted the bushes purple, he even painted himself purple.

A neighbor walking by proclaimed "you're nuts! You're nuts!"

He responded saying, "I know, bu...

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Ole and Sven are out on the lake fishing...

They've found a pretty good spot where no one else seems to be fishing. Ole says to Sven "Say Sven. There's no one else around here. The fish are biting pretty good. You think we've found a new secret spot?" "Why, it seems that way Ole. We should mark it so we can come back later." "You're right, I'...

John was a police officer known for being brutal and unjust.

He was a malicious man, injuring people for shoplifting and killing robbers. His partner, a blonde officer, never called him out for it, always blinded by her own ignorance. After work one day, he and she heard something in the closet. John moved in to investigate, when a man in a pig mask jumped ou...

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

A Vincent Van Gogh painting was stolen this weekend from a Dutch Museum.

Now it's Vincent Van Gone.

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House. He asks Chinese contractors how much they would charge. They say 3 million. He asks European contractors how much they would charge. They say 7 million. He asks Ecuadorian contractors how much they would charge. They say 10 million.


Trum...

A farmer was fed up with drivers speeding down the road where he lived, so he asked the police to put up a sign...

They put up a "Slow down, speed limit" sign - with no effect. Then, "Danger, road hazard!" sign was put up, but had no effect, either. Then the police tried a sign stating "Children crossing" - and still nobody slowed down.


Finally, the farmer asked the police if he could put up his own ...

What did the paint do after he got bullied at school?

Oh, he just brushed it off.

Sorry for making a bad paint joke, it's been at the top of my bucket list for a while now.

Someone called me racist for saying "black paint."

Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and p...

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