How many babies does it take to paint a room?

It depends on how hard can you throw.

A ship carrying red paint ­collided with another one carrying purple paint.

Both crews are said to be marooned

The President asks 3 people if they can paint the White House

He asks a Chinese person how much money will he need and he says “3 million dollars. 1 million for the paint, 1 million for the workers and 1 million for me”

He asks an American person how much money will he need and he says “7 million. 2 million for the paint 3 million for the workers and 2 ...

Did you hear about the crab that could paint?

There was a crab that people taught how to paint. He eventually got better and started painting these Renaissance-like paintings

His name was Leonardo Da-Pinchi

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

I told my wife she's been painting her eyebrows on a little too high.

She looked surprised.

(Arguing with my daughter about the age of this joke) What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

Two brothers own a painting company

They make their money by mixing paint with water, painting houses, and getting out of town before their clients realise what's wrong. They do this for years and make a financial killing. But one night, while they are painting a house, it starts to rain. The paint starts washing off of the wall as th...

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

Walls After Paint

Person: *invents paint*

Wall: Hey whatcha got there?

Person: I'm gonna try this on you okay?

Wall: Sure!

Person: *paints wall*

Wall: Hey Jim, you there? JIM! ... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.

He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.

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Why did the police officer paint his penis black?

So he could beat it at work without penalty.

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further.

So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the s...

I pulled into my driveway, and someone had painted a large number 3 on my garage door.

I thought, “That’s odd.”

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3 nuns are painting a church

The first nun says to the other nuns "I don't want to get my clothes dirty so I am going to paint naked."

The second nun says "I don't want to get my clothes dirty either"

The third nun agrees with the other two and takes her clothes off too.

The nuns have been painting the chur...

I painted my computer black so it would run faster

Now it doesn’t work

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Two nums were ordered to paint the sanctuary which was being refurbished.

To avoid splattering paint on their habits, they decided to lock the doors and paint in the nude.

After a while, they heard a knock on the door and asked "Who is it?"
The answer came back "Blind man!"

They shrugged and decided to open the door, the blind man couldn't see their...

How can you can you spot a fake Van Gogh painting?

On the back, it'll be labeled "Ear-Regular."

I've come up with a new way to describe the condition of a painting ...

Its state of the art.

I once owned an incredible painting of a tiny lake...

Until I pond it.

Yoda use to have the younglings put on white face paint and pretend to walk against the wind, be trapped in invisible boxes, you know...

Jedi mime tricks.

What did the paint do after he got bullied at school?

Oh, he just brushed it off.

Sorry for making a bad paint joke, it's been at the top of my bucket list for a while now.

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Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In...

What do giraffes paint?

Giraffiti

A snail, who was tired of being slow, went and bought a sports car wjth a big “S” painted on each side.

Whenever someone saw him zooming past, they would say, “Hey, look at that S-Car Go!”

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House. He asks Chinese contractors how much they would charge. They say 3 million. He asks European contractors how much they would charge. They say 7 million. He asks Ecuadorian contractors how much they would charge. They say 10 million.


Trum...

A snail goes into a Ferrari dealership and buys a car, he then asks them to paint a giant letter "S" on the side. When asked why, he says

When I'm driving around everyone will say, "Wow, look at that S car go!"

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

I asked some painters to come paint my home the other day and they’ve just arrived. They’ve spent the day here and now they’re finishing up.

The head painter hands me the bill and I notice it says “$0”

I say “you guys did such a long tiring and fantastic job, why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

The head painter looks at me and says,

“Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house”

We just had our family portrait painted and I'm a little bummed.

I had my eyes closed.

The subject of a painting

Outside the castle, in front of two deep, dangerous troughs of water filled with piranhas and barracudas, the royal coterie of lupine dog-men assembles on two long tables, facing the masses on the other side of the water. The wolf-king raises his glass and gives a piercing howl, to which the rest of...

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

A guy goes door to door looking for work. One homeowner hands him a brush and a can of paint and offers him $150 to paint his porch.

A few hours later, the guy comes back to the homeowner and says, "I'm finished. But you should know that your car's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."

An art thief once stole some very expensive paintings from the Louvre in Paris. He took two Van Goghs, a couple Monets, a DeGas, and some other paintings.

Everything went perfectly, except he was captured sitting in his van with the paintings only 2 blocks from the museum, his van had run out of fuel!

When asked by the police how he could plan such a successful robbery and then be foiled by such a simple error, he replied...

"I had no ...

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Two nuns are painting their CONVENT

They closed the door and took off all their clothes so they wouldn't get paint on their garments. So they locked the door and continued.

A few minutes in they hear a knock at the door.

"who is it?", they called out.

"just the blind man", he replied.

They thought to ea...

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Blonde girl painting her lounge.

Her friend walks in and can't believe how well she is doing, but she is sweating buckets, Friend says to her why are you wearing a leather jacket and a Parker!?

Blonde says "helloooooooo" read the fucking tin, it says, for best results put two coats on.

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I was once in a relationship with twins.

Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

A blonde decided to paint a room.

When her husband got home, he asked,

'Why are you wearing an Alaskan and a winter coat?' She replied,

'The can said for best results apply 2 coats.'

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There’s a painting in a museum

There’s a painting in a museum of 3 naked black men sitting on a bench, but the man in the middle has a pink penis. The artist behind the painting is unknown, and no one really knows why the man in the middle has a pink penis. The curator has a story about how pink represents equality at birth, howe...

Did you hear about the cheesemonger who painted his wife?

Supposedly he double Gloucester

Did you hear that MS Paint got married?

Now it's called MRS Paint.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve The Englishman admires it and says, "Look at them, calm, reserved and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head, "My friends, they are definitely Russian. No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat and they are told this is paradise."

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Fishing

Four married blokes go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First bloke: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second bloke: 'That is n...

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The head Nun....

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room.

Soon they hea...

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A nun is in charge of painting the walls of a newly built classroom for Sunday School....

Not wanting to get paint on her habit, she decides that it would be best to strip completely naked. She closes the curtains, disrobes, and begins painting the room. Suddenly she hears a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" She asks.

"Blind man." Is the answer.

Thinking there is no ...

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Guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says :

This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.

The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….house.’

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I used to bang a set of twins...

People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.

What do you call it when Eminem paints a picture?

Marshall Arts

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What's the difference between a hooker, your girlfriend and your wife?

When you're having sex a hooker says, "are you done yet?"

Your girlfriend says, "you're done already?"

And your wife says, "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

A couple hooked up to the Joy of painting.....

9 months later they had a happy little accident

Class can you give me an example of the word contagious?

Sally 'My friend had a cold and my mum said to keep a distance because the cold is contagious.

Teacher: very good!

Ben: when I yawn it causes people around me to yawn as well, it's a contagious action.

Teacher: nice one, creative as well.

Johnny: I was with my dad and ...

A group of snails were tired of the stereotypes of being slow, so they decided to enter an auto race.

In lieu of a number on the side of the car, they painted a large 'S' on it, for snail. When they started racing, they were easily the fastest car out there, lapping all the other cars every few minutes.

The spectators marveled "Wow, look at that S car go!"

A golfer is involved in a terrible car crash and is rushed to the hospital

Just before he is put under, the surgeon pops in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing days are over !!! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The g...

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So there’s this teacher that tells her class anyone who correctly answers a special question she’s going to ask on Friday won’t have to come to school on Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he...

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. H...

My wife left me whilst I was painting the ceiling

I was overcome with emulsion

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How do you bring a Republican to their knees?

Paint your dick orange.

What do you call a wrongly convicted painting?

Framed.

Two painters are painting a church

They notice that they don't have enough paint so they pour some water in it and finish their job. 5 minutes later a thunderstorm rains and washes everything away.

A booming voice comes over from the clouds as the painters watch.

"Repaint and thin no more"

A woman goes to an artist to have her portrait painted

She tells the artist that she wants him to paint her wearing lots expensive jewelry. Diamonds, gold, pearls, Etc.

The artist says, "But you aren't wearing any."

She replies, "I know, I don't own any either. But if I die, my husband is the kind of man that will get remarried right away...

Roadkill on M42

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M42 near Birmingham recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeare...

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.

Putin asks Stalin, "Why is everything here so bad? What should I do to make Russia great again?"

Stalin replies, "Execute most of the government and paint the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" asks a perplexed Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part," says Stalin.

Someone called me racist for saying "black paint."

Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."

While Michelangelo was painting the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel....

One day, he looked down from the scaffolding to see a solitary old woman kneeling in a pew, praying.

Since the woman could not see him, Michelangelo decided to have a little fun, and he called out, "I am Jesus Christ, hear me!"

The woman did not look up, and continued praying. So, Mic...

Why do churches have so many statues and paintings featuring naked boys?

Early form of motivational art - to keep employee morale up and remind them what they're working for.

In early The Who gigs their drummer would sometimes go on stage dressed in nothing but a layer of blue paint. However, he didn't do it too often.

In fact, it would only happen once in a blue Moon.

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Why do Elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.
What’s the loudest sound in the jungle ?
Giraffes eating cherries.

They say if you paint an elephant’s toenails red, you won’t see it in a strawberry patch

You are probably thinking, “That’s impossible. Elephants are huge!”

But ask yourself: have I ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?

No?

Then it obviously works!

**Courtesy of a little book I read as a child and think is cute

A Story behind Cave painting

Cave man[gesturing]: you wanna see some comics I made about elephants, it's quiet funny.

Cave woman [gesturing]: sure.

*Present day*

Archeologist: this wall painting is an beautiful form of art by prehistoric man maybe it's about religion and stuff.

A pastor wants his house painted...

and one of his parishioners offers to do it, but he needs money to pick up the supplies. The pastor gives him some money, but when the time comes to paint the house, the parishioner finds he only has half the paint he needs. He figures, "I'll just water it down. It'll be fine." He does that, paints ...

I went to the paint store to ask for a shade

But the guy claimed no such shade existed. It must have been a pigment of my imagination.

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My art teacher says that i am obsessed with The Rolling Stones and told me to stop painting their logo in her class.

So i Paint It Black

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I was talking to a landscaper about his work the other day.

He told me: “Most of my work involves painting people’s lawns a different color. It’s some kind of new trend. I, personally, don’t get the appeal of having a pink lawn. Doesn’t make sense to me. But, I dye grass.”

What did the painting say in its defense?

I've been framed!

Margaret Thatcher appears to Boris Johnson in a dream...

"Privatise the NHS and paint the Houses of Parliament green!" she says to Johnson



Johnson looks confused; "Why green?"



Thatcher smiles, "I knew you wouldn't object to the first part"

Once bought a painting from a double amputee.

He was an all right artist, but it cost an arm and a leg.

Did you know there used to be a van in the painting “Starry Night”?

Where did the Van Gogh?

Home Renovation

"I was going to paint my bathroom door but my girlfriend was dead against it"
Oscar Pistorius

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How do you hide an elephant in an apple tree?

Paint his balls red


How did Tarzan die?


Picking apples

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I painted my dick vantablack

Women never see it coming.

I painted a picture of the overcast sky today.

I call it "A Portrait of Dorian Grey."

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An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.

No one can see the piece before it is completed.

Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a m...

What is the difference between a painting of jesus and jesus

It only takes one nail to hang a painting

OR

Jesus Was only hung once

Two men are hired to paint a church

The job doesnt pay too well, so they wanted to save as much money as possible so they bought only as much paint as they thought was needed.

As they are getting close to finishing, they realized that they were not going to have enough paint left to finish the job. One of the men has the brill...

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

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Morning Chat with the Neighbour

I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "nonce" that had been spray painted on his front window.

"What's been going on John?" I asked.

"Fucking Kids." Came his mumbled reply.

Dirty Bastard.

My blackbelt karate teacher has honed his skill of painting high ranking military officials for years

Now he is a master of marshal arts.

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A guy has lost his eye in an accident

He can't afford to get a glass eye, so his doctor says,

"Well, I have an old wooden eye I could put in. I could paint it to look like the other one."

The man agrees and lets the doctor implant the wooden eye.

Later, he decides to "test" his new eye and goes to a club.

He ...

My friend the artist told me he didn’t have any cyan, azure, cobalt, navy, royal, or sapphire paint.

That was completely out of the blue.

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