The 111+ Best Paint Jokes

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Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you wan...

A man hires a blonde to paint his porch.

He tells her that the brushes, paint, and ladders are in the garage.

About 30 minutes later he hears a knock and answers the door. The blonde lets him know that she's finished.

"Wow" he says, "that was quick. Did you have enough paint?"

"Yup, enough for 2 coats!" she replies....

A ship carrying blue paint collided with a ship carrying red paint

50 sailors were marooned

You can paint a thousand paintings and not be called an artist...

You can run a thousand marathons and not be called an athlete...

You can cook a thousand meals and not be called a chef.

But as soon as you kill ONE PERSON...

A man buys a paint factory in a small town.

He visits the local volunteer fire department to see for himself if they'd be able to handle a fire at his plant. What he finds convinces him they could not...the whole fire department consists of one old pumper truck and a bunch of volunteers he finds less than reliable. He tells them "Boys, I'm so...

What should Ukrainian soldiers paint on captured Russian tanks?

Ctrl-

Putin thought that taking Kyiv was just a matter of painting letters on tanks.

It was easier Z than done.

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I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window.

"What's been going on John?"' I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

Dirty bastard.

I went to the paint store to get thinner

It didn't work

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Nuns are painting the chapel on a hot summer day.

Nuns are performing a much-needed renovation on the chapel. Today they paint... and the AC isn't working great (that's getting fixed tomorrow). It's a sweltering hot summer day, so they decide that since they're all sisters in Christ, they'll just lock the doors and strip of their gowns and other cl...

A painter walks up to a church and offers to paint it.

The church manager agrees. Business isn’t going well for the painter so he decides to save some money by adding water to thin the paint. He gets a few days in and a massive storm appears out of nowhere with lightning and thunder crashing around him. A booming voice comes from the clouds, “How dare y...

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Did my first nude painting yesterday

The neighbours weren't happy but the front door looks great!

A painter is employed to whitewash the local church. But he makes the mistake of thinning the paint down too much, so that it all washes away the first time it rains.

The minister rings the painter to complain. "What do you want me to do about it?" says the painter.

"Repaint," says the minister, "And thin no more."

I told my girlfriend she painted her eyebrows on too high...

She looked surprised!

A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"

They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.

"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and ...

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Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In...

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A rich woman called a famous artist to commission him to paint her

He says his fee will be $5,000, which she accepted. She arrived for the sitting and gave him $7,000. The artist was surprised and asked why she gave more than he asked.

"I want you to paint me in the nude," she said, "Do you have any objections?"

"Not for $7,000 I don't. But I would ha...

Someone called me racist for saying "black paint"

Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence"

A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?

You only need one nail for a painting.

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

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I dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink

And Michael had a Penis.

A guy is hired to paint lines on a little country road.

The boss gives him a big can of paint and a brush and sends him out.

At the end of the day, when he comes to get paid, he tells the boss he got two miles done. The boss is pretty impressed.

At the end of the second day, the painter reports that he did half a mile. The boss is a littl...

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I was painting my nails earlier when I heard my boss yell at me from across the room.

He said “For fuck’s sake, will you stop painting the damn things and just hammer them into the damn wall”

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

An Englishman, Frenchman, and Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve.

"They are so calm and contemplative. They would surely be English." The Englishman says.

"No," the Frenchman says, "they are naked and beautiful, they would be French."

"My friends," the Russian begins, "no clothes, no shelter, they are sharing an apple between two, they're being wat...

The inventor of Dulex weathershield exterior paint has perished while attempting to climb Everest …

Rescuers said he could have done with another coat

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A kid is a painting prodigy.

He draws a 100 dollar bill on the floor of the classroom; his teacher breaks her nails trying to pick it up, and calls his father.

In the parent teacher meeting she complains from the kid and explains what happened, the father replies:
"You got lucky! at home he drew a vagina on the power ...

Two painters paint a house and hand the customer the bill.

The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says, “You guys did such a good job. Why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

The head painter looks at the man and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”

What do you call a pirate who paints?

An arrrtist!

My husband told me I could choose the name he'd paint on the back of his new boat with the condition it be nautical themed. So I named it...

For Sail.

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Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

-So they can hide in cherry trees.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle?

-A giraffe eating cherries.

Three americans are competing to paint a foreign flag on a white sheet of canvas ...

The three are given only 30 minutes to complete their assignment.

The first student decides to paint Germany's flag, the second will paint the United Kingdom's, and the third Hungary's.

The first and second are already making good progress. The third's about to take his first brush str...

A guy sees Picasso painting something new in his studio..

The guy says "Hey that's a nice painting of a refrigerator!" Picasso furrows his eyebrows and says "Refrigerator? That's my wife!"

When I was little I saw a sign that said “Wet Paint”.

It turns out that they didn’t want me to.

What do you call a ghost in a painting?

A portrait-geist.

Why do Russians paint Z's on their tanks?

So they can say Ukrainians are not-Z's.

Eco-activists, as a protest, splashed paint on a famous Jackson Pollock painting

No-one noticed.

I painted my Jell-O to resemble concrete.

It's not as hard as it looks.

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What's the difference between having sex with a hooker, your girlfriend and your wife?

Hooker says, "are you done yet?"

Your girlfriend says, "you're done already?"

And your wife says, "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

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Hitler could've been better with his paintings.

Too bad he didn't believe in mixing colours.

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My girlfriend asked me to paint her whilst she slept.

I thought I did an amazing job, but I don't think she was very impressed.

First thing she said when she woke up was "I've got to be at work in 20 minutes you fucking idiot".

Maybe she didn't like the colour.

What do you get if you paint a pink pig mint-green?

A pigmint of your imagination.

Vladimir Putin walks down the corridor in his office and notices a painting on the wall of himself

He says: "So, my dear Vladimir Vladimirovich, what will happen if we lose the war?"
"That's simple," says the painting, "they'll take me off and will hang you!"

(edit - typo)

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Fishing or Sex?

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

The first guy says:

"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second g...

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

Somebody spray painted "procrastinating prick!" on the side of my house.

When I find out who did it, their years are numbered.

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

When is paint free?

When it's on the house.

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

[I apologize if this violates rules][NSFW/NSFL] how many babies does it take to paint a barn?

Depends on how hard you throw

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House...

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House. He asks Chinese contractors how much they would charge. They say 3 million. He asks European contractors how much they would charge. They say 7 million. He asks Ecuadorian contractors how much they would charge. They say 10 million.

Trump ...

What was the painting's final words?

"First they frame me, then they hang me."

Blonde Paint Job Warning:Long

A blonde,wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself as a handyman type and started canvasing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde...

What did Tina Turner use to paint her kitchen?

Second hand emulsion.

Lady and the Farmer

A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, h...

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.

"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "What should I do to make Russia great again?"

"Execute half the population and paint the Kremlin blue" says Stalin.

"Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part," says Stalin.

Did you hear about the new paint called "blonde" paint?

It's not very bright but it spreads easily.

I painted a picture of some bread I bought at the store that I really admired…..

It was my roll model.

There's been an explosion at the paint factory where my brother works.

He's missing, presumed red.

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

I’ve been trying to paint my windows.

But instead I might just draw the curtains.

My friend covered their walls with whiteboard paint

I’ve never seen something so remarkable

NSFW A teacher asked her class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence. One girl raiser her hand and said, “The mumps are contagious” “Very good”, said the teacher, “Would anyone else like to try?” A boy raised his hand and said,

“Our next-door neighbor was painting her house by herself, and my dad said it would take the contagious.”

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Someone spray painted "Pervert Lives Here" on my garage door.

Fucking vandals wasting my time.

I just opened it and there was nobody inside.

I painted my computer black last night

Now it runs much faster

what do you call a printer that takes up painting?

The Artist, formally known as Prints.

Paint thinner is a great palette cleanser…

But a terrible palate cleanser.

Brian is hired to paint lines on the road

The first day Brian paints 2 km of the road, and the boss is very impressed.

The second day he paints 1 km of road, the boss is wondering why it's less than the day before, but gives him a chance.

The third day he only paints 500 m of road and the boss is not happy, but he is a forgivi...

The founder of Dulux paints has frozen to death whilst trekking across the Arctic

Doctor's said he could have done with another coat

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A man requested a female painter to paint him in the nude.

"No" the talented artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing.

"I'll increase your fee two times," he said.

"No, no thanks!!"

"I'll give five times as much as you normally get."

Okay, said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to...

Did you hear about the ship that crashed on an island with a cargo of red and brown paint?

Apparently the whole crew was marooned.

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Two nuns are told to paint a room.

However, as part of their assignment, the Mother Superior informs them that they must paint the entire room and not get a drop of paint on their habits.

After much debate, the two nuns decide that the best course of action would be to paint the room naked, and proceed to remove their habits...

All the jokes that I post on this thread are like painting the Mona Lisa.

In that they're plagiarized.

a Frenchman sneezed paint onto a canvas

He showed it to a friend, who was astounded.

“Who’s responsible for this remarkable piece of work?”

The Frenchman smiled and said, “Mon nez”

A good woman is like a coat of paint,

you should give it some time before you put your fingers in it.

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An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist.

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business ...

My neighbor once ordered 5 gallons of paint. They screwed up and sent him a 10 pound bucket of Sodium.

That happened years ago and he is still salty about it.

What do you call a person whose job is paint cars.

Car Painter

If I could describe all the horrible things that a lifetime of inhaling paint has done to me in one word, ...

... that word would be brain damage.

Did you know Sean Connery used to save the egg shells from pancake day and paint them to use for egg hunts at Easter?

It was an egg shell lent idea

Fresh Paint

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. After he finished, he headed to the kitchen to raid the refrigerator. The wife comes home sooner than expected, and heads to the bathroom, sits down, and gets the toilet seat stuck to her rear.

She becomes...

How many idiots does it take to paint a wall?

101 - one to hold the brush and the other 100 to move the wall.

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Trump wants to paint the Whitehouse. He asks for a quote from a Chinese guy, a European, and a Turk.

The Chinese guy says he can do it for 3 million dollars, the European says he can do it for 7 million, and the Turk says he can do it for 10 million.

Trump asks the Chinese man why it would cost 3 million and he responds "one for paint, one for my workers, and one for my profit".

Tru...

The President asks 3 people if they can paint the White House

He asks a Chinese person how much money will he need and he says “3 million dollars. 1 million for the paint, 1 million for the workers and 1 million for me”

He asks an American person how much money will he need and he says “7 million. 2 million for the paint 3 million for the workers and 2 ...

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy ...

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My girlfriend thought it would be kinky to paint our privates, but after I painted my nuts, she changed her mind and left

I've had blue balls ever since

A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.

The police still can't see the full picture.

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

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In a brewery, the ceiling is getting painted

One of the painters falls into a barrel with 1000 liters of beer and drowns. His boss then goes to the colleague's wife to report the death. "Did my husband suffer much?" "I don't think so, he went out to take a piss three times."

I asked my handyman why did he paint my staircase white

He was indeed puzzled. The only thing I got from him is a blank stair

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they looked like hares.

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I felt creative today, and decided to paint a cat.

Turns out, those fuckers are really hard to catch.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are asked by an official for quotes to paint the fences of Buckingham Palace.

The Englishman takes out a measuring tape and calculator, makes some notes and reports back to the man, “I’ll do it for £800. £200 for materials, £400 for the team and £200 profit for me.”

The Irishman looks at the house, looks at the Englishman, and says, “I can do it for £700...£200 for mat...

I painted my computer black so it would run faster

Now it doesn't work.

What do you call the worlds most famous oil painting?

The Gulf Of Mexico.

Old army joke

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. He calls the previous commander up, now a maj...

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Paint my porch.

A man was walking out of his local hardware store when he saw a fairly attractive twenty-something year old female standing on the sidewalk holding a sign- “Will do ANYTHING for $20.”

He smirked, walked over to her and made her a proposition. She accepted, and he drove her to his house. Afte...

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I once dated a girl with a twin

People used to ask me how I told them apart. Lisa painted her fingernails red and Bob had a cock

Cans of paint

A man knocks on his neighbor's door:

"Hi. I noticed you painted your bedroom last month and since we have a similar house, I thought I'd ask you how many cans of paint you bought."

"Sure thing! We bought seven cans"

"Awesome, thanks!"

A few days later, the man knocks on h...

I read an article that said over half of the paintings in the National Gallery are counterfeit.

It was fake news.

Muslim artists threw some paint bombs at a local building...

They blue it up.

A homeless man is on the street corner begging for money

A wealthy lawyer walks past him. "Pardon me, sir, but do you have any spare change?"

The lawyer looks annoyed, and turns to him. "No, no I don't. I don't believe in giving handouts to bums. But I tell you what," he said, handing him a business card, "if you come to my house tomorrow morni...

If I paint my PC black

will it run faster or stop working?

A Nigerian Governor wants to paint the Government house.

A Nigerian Governor wants to paint the Government house. He calls for quotation....
Chinese guy quoted 3 million.
European guy quoted 7 million.
Nigerian guy quoted 10 million.
The Governor asked the chinese guy.."..
how did u quote 3 million..?"
Chinese guy replied .."1 million ...

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Three inmates on the way to prison…

Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended t...

What do you call a dream about paint?

A pigment of your imagination!

A blonde was desperate for money...

so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.

At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'

'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'

'Great,' the man replied. 'You...

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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered.

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to...

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it...

... and he'll have to touch to be sure.

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