Two painters paint a house and hand the customer the bill.

The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says, “You guys did such a good job. Why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

​

The head painter looks at the man and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”

What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint

How did the cheesemonger paint his wife?

He double Gloucester..

Two men are hired to paint a church

The job doesnt pay too well, so they wanted to save as much money as possible so they bought only as much paint as they thought was needed.

As they are getting close to finishing, they realized that they were not going to have enough paint left to finish the job. One of the men has the brill...

How many babys does it take to paint a wall?

Well it depends on how hard you throw them

You know what's green and tastes like blue paint?

Green paint.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.

No one can see the piece before it is completed.

Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a m...

A snail took his car to a paint shop.

He had them paint a giant S on the side. When he was cruising down the street someone yelled out at him. "Look at that S car go!"

So a sleazy house painter gets a contract to paint a rectory.

Being the swindler cheapskate he is, he stirs water into the paint to save a buck. The painter hastily slaps the paint onto the rectory, and right as he applies the last stroke, the weather, which had been perfectly clear and sunny, instantly went dark, and a torrential rain poured down. The cheap p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do elephants paint their balls red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.
What the loudest sound in the wild ?
Giraffes eating cherries.

GOT SPOILER What is the Night King’s favorite paint color?

Burnt Umber

Huckleberry Finn seemed really unsure if he was going to paint my house today.

I guess he was still on the fence.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Heard about the man who painted his scrotum?

Pretty nuts

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife told me to paint her like one of my "french girls".

To which I replied, "oh shit..(how did she find out about that)".

An artist thought he had lost his favorite color of paint but...

It was just a pigment of his imagination

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the...

Someone called me racist for saying "black paint."

Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."

There's a new category of art where people paint babies who died in childbirth.

Still life.

What colour did Matthew McConaughey paint his house?

All white, all white, all white.

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door. That way we won’t get paint on our clothes and can move more freely to get the job done faster. So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who ...

Women are like wet paint.

Irresistible to touch,

Hard to get off your hands.

What transformer loves to paint?

Optimus Primer

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

What’s a pirates favourite paint?

Davy Jones Lacquer.

Baby Boomers grow up around a lot of lead paint. Lead paint causes long term mental effects like antisocial behavior, short attention span, and reduced brain development.

And there we have explained Donald Trump

People: nobody could ever paint so many paintings in a very short time

Vincent van gogh: Hold my ear

If I paint my PC black

will it run faster or stop working?

I was a bit nervous when I told my new friend that I wanted to paint her in the nude...

but I guess my biggest mistake was disrobing before she had a chance to agree.

What happens if you paint a barn red in Norway?

A pair of very angry Norwegian speaking parents.

Donald trump decides to paint the Whitehouse

He gets a quote from a Chinese company for $3 million pounds, a German company for $6 million and an Irish company for $10 million

The Chinese company charged 1 million for paint , 1 million for labour and 1 million profit.

The Germany company charged 2 million for paint, 2 million for...

A priest hires a contractor to paint his house.

The contractor thins out his paints using water hoping to stretch out his supply, so the final product ends up quite lacking. When the priest confronts him about it, he apologizes and asks if the priest would like him to redo everything.

The priest tells him, "Repaint, and thin no more."

What do the FBI and MS Paint have in common?

They don't support transparency.

Why do elephants paint their toenails red.

A: To hide in the cherry trees!

Ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?? Then I guess it works!

(As told by my mid-70s, overall wearin, Southern Comfort drinkin neighbor.)

This world is so politically incorrect we can't even say 'black paint.'

We have to say "Tyrone, would you please paint that wall?"

Who was this Rorschach guy?

And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

I told my (blonde) sister this joke: "How do you confuse a blond? Paint yourself green and throw forks at her."

She replied, "I don't get it."

My Pikachu started eating paper clips, paint chips, pencils...

When I asked her what's wrong, she said "Pica. Pica."

What do you call the worlds most famous oil painting?

The Gulf Of Mexico.

Dipping your beaks into different coloured paints, eh?

Well, toucans play at that game.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump wants to paint the Whitehouse. He asks for a quote from a Chinese guy, a European, and a Turk.

The Chinese guy says he can do it for 3 million dollars, the European says he can do it for 7 million, and the Turk says he can do it for 10 million.

Trump asks the Chinese man why it would cost 3 million and he responds "one for paint, one for my workers, and one for my profit".

Tru...

The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic

Medics say he needed a second coat

My wife walked into the garage where I was sitting with brush in hand and can of black paint

She yelled, "No you fool!! What I said to you was to remember to turn your clock back!!"

What do you get when you dip a chicken in paint?

A crosswalk.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two nuns are told to paint a room.

However, as part of their assignment, the Mother Superior informs them that they must paint the entire room and not get a drop of paint on their habits.

After much debate, the two nuns decide that the best course of action would be to paint the room naked, and proceed to remove their habits...

A 2nd painter was hired to help paint a room...

The new painter walks up to the Old painter who is sitting at the front of the house with his hands covering his face.

New painter asks "What's wrong."

Old painter says with an exhausted voice "The client can't make up his mind on what color he wants the room to be. One day he wants bl...

A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint!

The sailors were marooned.

A guy picks up a hooker

She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300.00. as long as you can say it in three words.”

The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300.00 on the table and says slowly.

“Paint…my….house.”

Did you hear about the new paint called "blonde" paint?

It's not very bright but it spreads easily.

A thief stole a leaky tin of paint and is well hidden in the mall...

The police found him by following the blueprints.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

I picked out a color of grey paint the other day, I guess the salesman didn't like it.

He just said "Oh, the hue manatee."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I slept with a pair of 18 year old twins last night!" - said a young man to his best mate. 'Wow, awesome!' replied his mate. "How could you tell them apart?". "Easy, Janet paints her nails red..."

"... and Bob has a cock".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Paddy is about to get married and asks his best friend Murphy how can he tell if is wife to be is a virgin. "Tis easy Paddy, all you need is a small tin of red paint, a small to of blue paint and a shovel"says Murphy "How the feck does that work Murphy"? asks Paddy

"Well" says Murphy, "You paint one ball red and the other ball blue, and when you climb into bed naked and she says..


"Paddy, they're the strangest balls I've ever seen", you smack her with the shovel"

How is being in a game of paintball and war similar?

You often see people dye.

Just bought a new game where you have to paint pictures of Ancient Iran

It’s called Prints of Persia

A guy goes into a bar for a drink

He orders a beer and a beautiful woman walks up to him and says, "hey, for $300 bucks I'll do anything you want . . . Anything. "

He raises an eyebrow and replies "anything?"

She nods "anything!"

He pulls out his wallet excitedly and removes 3 crisp $100 bills and gives it to he...

Falling in love is like eating paint chips.

Things might look pretty now, but in time you're going to feel dumb.

Q: Why go to the paint store when you're on a diet?

A: You can get thinner there.

Did you hear about the guy who broke into a paint factory?

he was caught red handed

Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?

Because from a distance they looked like hares.

Three americans are competing to paint a foreign flag on a white sheet of canvas ...

The three are given only 30 minutes to complete their assignment.

The first student decides to paint Germany's flag, the second will paint the United Kingdom's, and the third Hungary's.

The first and second are already making good progress. The third's about to take his first brush str...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I once dated a girl with a twin.

People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was pretty simple, Rachel always painted her nails purple and Dave had a cock.

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House...

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House. He asks Chinese contractors how much they would charge. They say 3 million. He asks European contractors how much they would charge. They say 7 million. He asks Ecuadorian contractors how much they would charge. They say 10 million.

Trump ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Is she a virgin?

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself Shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel. Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, Doc?" The doctor replied, “Be...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You save someone from drowing, and nobody says, "Hey there goes Joe the hero". You paint the orphanage, and they don't shout, "Look, there's Joe, the orphanage painter!"

But you fuck **one** goat...

How do you keep paint warm?

Put on a second coat

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men contracted to paint a small community church.

Being very frugal(cheap), they pinched and scraped to spend the absolute minimum on materials. Then, when they were only partway through the job, they determined that they did not, after all, have enough paint to complete the job. Not wishing to spend any more money if they didn't absolutely have to...

A blonde was desperate for money...

so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.

At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'

'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'

'Great,' the man replied. 'You...

Crows aren’t so smart after all

The South Carolina Dept of Transportation found over 200 dead crows on highways recently, and there was a concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appear...