UPJOKE
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A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is parad...

Yo mamas so ugly

Her portraits hang themselves

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The Portrait Artist

A local Irishman was making quite the name for himself as a portrait artist... His fees were very reasonable and the Locals kept him busy.... One day a stretch-limo pulled up and a beautiful woman exited the car.... "I will gladly pay you 10,000 Euros if you'll paint me in the nude.".... The Irishma...

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The Portrait Artist

A rich woman wants to commission a well-renowned artist to paint a portrait of her. She arranges to meet with him to discuss terms.

She tells him, "Price is no object, but I have only one condition. I want you to paint me in the nude."

This takes him a bit by surprise, as he is a mar...

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A joke that Abraham Lincoln told

I’ve never seen this joke here before, I read it in some biography long ago in my school days. This is a joke that actual President Lincoln told:

There was an American ambassador to England after the revolutionary war, and his bitter hosts wanted to antagonize him.

So they got a port...

An artist created an exact portrait of me just by projecting saliva onto the canvas

It was my spitting image

I used to tell a joke about The Portrait of Dorian Gray...

... but it didn't age well.



\*(told by Alexa this morning)

Why doesn't the Reddit app auto-rotate from portrait to landscape?

So you can still use it while you lay sobbing in the fetal position.

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George Washington's portrait.

The American ambassador to England is attending a party thrown by an English noble. Feeling the call of nature, he asks the noble where the bathroom is; the noble snickers suspiciously and directs him down the hall. Upon entering the bathroom the ambassador sees a portrait of George Washington oppos...

What's the difference between Jesus and a portrait of Jesus ?

The portrait only requires one nail.

How do you tell the age of Henry VIII in portraits.

Count his rings

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Vincent Van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Claude Monet, and Leonardo De Vinci are all eating at a nice restaurant when the waitress comes around with the bill.

They’d all ordered the same item and had previously agreed to split the bill four ways.

When they looked at the check, however, they saw that the 10% gratuity would not split evenly, so one of them would end up paying an extra $0.01.

“We should have an art competition to decide,” Da Vi...

My art teacher said my self portrait looked horrible

However she did say it was extremely realistic and lifelike.

Getting a portrait painted.

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told
the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace,
emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”
“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.
“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I...

The Portrait

A bartender notices a man sitting at the bar looking at a photograph while taking a drink from time to time. The bartender then goes away for a bit. He comes back and notices the man is still doing this. The bartender asks "Why have you been staring at the photograph this long." "Well," said the man...

What do you call a selfie of an orphan?

Family portrait

Did you hear about the self-portrait photographer?

He shot himself

I'm thinking of making a series of non-gloss self portrait dinner placemats

I'll name it My Multitude of Matte Mats of Matt by Matt

I tried to be a self-portrait painter.

But in the end it just wasn't me.

A gruff looking guy approached me on the street saying he can draw my portrait for $2

It sounds sketchy

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Elvis tattoo

Women walks into tattoo shop and asks artist if he could do a portrait tattoo of Elvis Presley on her inner thigh. He says of course and they negotiate a price $500 and he gets to work.

After a few hours the artist says it’s done. Women looks at the tattoo and was not satisfied. “That’s an e...

We just had our family portrait painted and I'm a little bummed.

I had my eyes closed.

A man had his portrait unveiled by a successful artist. The man was most unhappy with the result.

Artist: Are you happy with it?

Subject: I don’t think it does me justice!

Artist: it’s not justice you need, it’s mercy.

Why didn't George Washington want his portrait on US currency?

Because he didn't want to be drawn and "quartered."

Did you hear about the self-portrait scandal?

Turns out, he was framed.

What do you call a ghost in a painting?

A portrait-geist.

Why do portraits hate the judicial system?

They always get framed

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We're making self portrait masks in art class.

I think I'll get an A+.

I could just be getting ahead of myself.

A joke by Leonardo da Vinci (really)

A painter was asked why he produced such beautiful portraits, though they were dead things, and yet produced such a ugly children. To which he replied he made his paintings by day and his children by night.(Codex Atlanticus)

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor...

'Do you do custom work?' she asks the artist.

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the...

I saw a really lifelike portrait of Donald Trump the other day...

... it was really freaky how the hands followed you around the room.

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Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to Minnesota to have portraits done.

One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house.

Inside was a beautiful woman, who asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole.

The woman said money was no object. She was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get in...

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Asked an artist friend if he does nude portraits

He charges by the pound

A portrait painter is on his death bed when he asks his son to come close..

He says "Son, I'm dying. So listen closely." He sneezes on the boy's face. "I have a skin rash, dry cough, pink eye, diarrhea, headache, koplik's spots, sensitivity to light, sore throat, and/or swollen lymph nodes." Then he coughs on the boy's mouth. "So I want you to make sure that your brother...

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Shortly after the Revolutionary War, the American war hero Ethan Allen was in London for some business.

His hosts were very patriotic Englishmen, so there was inevitably some tension between them. One day, they acquired a portrait of George Washington and hung it in their outhouse, so that you could only see it when you were seated and the door was closed.

After Ethan came in from using it late...

What did the artist ask Shakespeare when he was sketching his portrait?

2B or not 2B?

Austrian humor

*One time back in the 1980s when I was living in Austria, a bunch of us went out for a beer. During the chit-chat, an American friend of mine named Margie insisted that Austrian jokes weren't funny. Her (Austrian) boyfriend Werner disagreed. Margie said, "Well, tell that mouse joke of yours." Werner...

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An artistic chicken

A guy walks into a bar with a chicken under his arm and orders a beer. "Hey, you can't bring a live chicken into the bar," the bartender admonishes him. "But this is a famous chicken. She can actually draw beautiful portraits of anyone," the guy tells the bartender. So the bartender asks for a demon...

Vampires are actually very successful artists with a common flaw...

Whenever they are doing a face portrait they always stop below the chin...

Whenever they are sketching a figure they always stop at the top of the shoulders....


But this is cuz they suck at necks.

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A historical (?) meme for you

After the American Revolution, an American patriot, Ethan Allen, is invited to the house of an English lord for dinner while on a diplomatic trip to England. After dinner, he asks for someone to direct him to the bathroom. He goes in and on the wall of the bathroom there is a portrait of George Wash...

This week President Obama became the first president to get a life-size 3D-printed portrait done.

It looked so real that Joe Biden argued with it for 20 minutes that Peeta is better than Gale.

Biden then realized his mistake, . . . and admitted Gale is the clear choice.

I hear that if you draw a really good portrait of Jason Segel you will instantly be proficient in Karate, Taekwondo, and Jiu Jitsu

I think it has something to do with becoming a master Marshall artist

Landscape Gardeners

I've been trying to get someone to redo my garden, but i'm not having much luck.

I've found several landscape gardeners, but mine is portrait.

I hired a landscape gardener today.

He couldn't help me, because my garden is portrait.

Benjamin Franklin and George Washington walk into a bar and sit down next to Trump.

Franklin turns to Trump and says: "I do not believe you understand the value of liberty, my good fellow."

Trump turns to Franklin and gives him a $100 dollar bill and says: "Of course I do. Money rules this world, Mr. Franklin. That's all I need to know!" Trump taps Franklin's portrait on ...

My friend's birthday

My friend ordered a cake with his own portrait as icing for his birthday and then ate it all without sharing with anyone

I guess he's so full of himself

Two witches were arguing about who was the better witch

One rainy day inside the coven HQ, Meredith and Wendy were arguing about who was the better witch.

"I'm the superior spellcaster", boasted Meredith. She raised her wand into the air, and conjured up a small cloud. It snowed over Wendy's head, dropping hailstones the size of marbles.

"...

People say there are no advantages to being ugly

But conveniently, my portraits just hang themselves.

A man and his wife are in an art museum and come across....

A portrait of a beautiful woman covered only in leaves. Wife goes to move on to the next exhibit and husband is still there staring at the portrait she asks what are you waiting for?

Husband says... Fall

Most of my personality is fine. But I don't like how obsessed I am with showing people my art.

That's a portrait of mine.

A different presidential joke

George W. Bush was talking to some of his military advisors, and after listening to their briefings, he stated that he was going to earmark some military funds to send portraits of his predecessor's wife to the troops overseas.

One of his generals sighed, and leaned in. "Sir, we were asking f...

I painted a picture of the overcast sky today.

I call it "A Portrait of Dorian Grey."

One day, Moe was showing his friends a piece of art he made.

The portrait was of a prodigious music composer a long time ago.

Another one of Moe’s friends came up to them and asked, “Hey, what’re you guys looking at?”

“Moe’s-art.”

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An American revolutionary war veteran went to London for a grand ball.

Upon his arrival, the man in charge welcomed him graciously. They laughed and danced with the men and women until midnight, where he suddenly felt the urge to use the bathroom.

After receiving directions by the man, he walked inside the large bathroom to find that the only decoration was a ...

An artist’s struggle.

A guy wants a large self-portrait comissioned. When he is given a quote, he gets angry about having to pay for it. The artist replies “I guess you don’t get the big picture”.

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An old WW2 Joke from Germany

I finally got myself a Hitler portrait. I just don't know if I should hang it or put it against the wall!

I used to be a landscape gardener.

Got my clothes too dirty so I started doing it in portrait.

The Art of the Deal

A poor city man is out in the streets attempting to sell something on President's Day. He goes up to a foreigner and says:

"Hey there! Are you looking for a rare portrait of Washington on his birthday? I can hook you up. It's even got the signature of the Secretary of the Treasury on it, so y...

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The woman with the tattooed chest

There was a woman with a very vain boyfriend, so for his birthday, she decided to have a portrait of his face tattooed on her left breast.

The guy is very happy, but a few months later they break it of.

The next guy is a very jealous type, and to stop his complains about her ex face on...

Find something you have in common

Billy is ranting to his friend Joe, that he cannot find a girl for a relationship.

Joe: Well, you need to find a girl you have something in commen with. What about July? You both like musik?

Billy: won't work. I only like rock, she only likes country.

Joe: how about April? You b...

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.


Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The cu...

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A seer was recruited to help a party of heroes break into a ruined dungeon

The other heroes knew that his knowledge of the arcane would help them to understand and predict the nefarious traps that were sure to beset them within the darkened tunnels.



The dungeon's architect had laid it out as a chess board, and the party moved one by one along the squares. Th...

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Back around 1800...

A very patriotic American goes to visit England. The locals listen to his accent and determine he's from America. At hotel where he's staying, there's only one outhouse to use, and the locals hang up a portrait of George Washington on the inside, thinking he would be offended. However, they watch as...

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A man walks into a bar

and the bartender asks "so what'll it be?"

The man sighs, and takes a seat. After a long pause he says "I'll take a pint of ale, but after I tell you this story, you may end up buying it for me."

"Well, I guess it'd have to be one hell of a story."

"Well, you see, you know that...

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Migraine headaches

There was this guy who constantly get migraine headaches, he tried all different type of drugs and it didn't work for him. So he decided to go to the specialist. He told the doctor about his migraine and also let him know he tried all the drugs that are available in market but they still didn't help...

A man walks into a pet store

He walks up to the shopkeeper and asks him for a suggestion for his daughters birthday.

"Sir come with me! I have some very friendly monkeys that your daughter would adore!"

The shopkeeper then takes him over to a cage full of monkeys. The father notices the price tag, $1000. He starts...

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There was once a couple who were very, very dumb.

They used to listen to everything said to them without thinking any deeper.

After about a year after their marriage, a beautiful baby boy was born to them. They decided to baptize him and name him according to a very popular astrologer's idea. So they took him to the astrologer's sanctum
<...

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An Old Hillbilly Goes to Town

There's an old hillbilly that's lived nearly his entire life so far up in Ozarks away from most modern society.

One day he decides to go into town for a change of pace. He's driving his old pickup truck down a main street and spots an antique shop with some nice looking furniture and other t...

A Student in Israel

David, an American student went to Israel for a semester to study abroad at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem. As part of his program he was placed with a host family for housing. An elderly gentleman named Joshua Levin welcomed him into the large home with many rooms.

As Joshua gave a tour ...

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