While I was shopping, I saw an ad in a window. It said, “Television for $1, volume stuck on full.”

There’s no way I can turn that down.

I am trying to produce a television series about the crew of a commercial aircraft.

So far the network executives don’t think it will go over, I guess they didn’t like my pilot.

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents an

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

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What kind of television is gay?

An LG TV

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I hate when sex is on the television

I always fall off

A guy from Florida wanted to buy a Television..

A guy from Florida wanted to buy a television, so he went to a shop, located in Texas.

He asked the shopkeeper, "Hey! How much for that television?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Sorry, we don't sell items to people from Florida."

Dejected, he goes to a stylist and gets dressed and s...

I asked my grandma what her parents did for fun before there was television.

I asked her 7 brothers and 7 sisters and they didn't know either.

I was watching a new television series on the 9/11 highjackings

And judging by the pilot it won’t last long

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The 107-year-old man was asked by a television crew what was the secret of his longevity.

"It's because I gave up sex," he said.

"When did you give up sex?" asked the reporter.

"Just about fifteen years ago."

"I see," said the reporter. "And why did you give up sex?"

"I had to. I like older women and there weren't any more left!"

A man and his wife were watching a Christian healing program on the television when the host says to walk up to the set, put their one hand on the television and the other on the part of their body that needs healing.

The wife slowly hobbles up, places her right hand on the Television, and places her left hand on her arthritic shoulder. The man walks up as well, placing his left hand on the television and his right hand on his crotch. The wife then says, “you just don’t get it, do you?” The husband replies, “what...

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

Why are televisions attracted to people?

Because people turn them on

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people.

My grandfather was always playing pranks on people. He was originally from Ireland before he moved to the US. He fit all of the stereotypes of an Irishman, having red hair and beard, constantly being at the bar, and having an accent so thick that I could barely understand him even though I knew him ...

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television

The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

The man who invented the television remote control passed away today

They found him at home between the couch cushions.

I founded John Lennon Television, and now we’re the second biggest subscription TV service in the UK.

Above us, only Sky.

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Wife: "I object to all this sex on the television!"

"I keep falling off!"

I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers

I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge.

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

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A man who had three beautiful girlfriends

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you cause I...

A bunch of nature television stars decide to have a barbecue.

Steve Irwin and Crocodile Dundee were talking. Crocodile Dundee asks, “Mate, there aren’t many people here, what’s everybody doing?” Steve Irwin says, “ Your washing plates and I’m setting the table.” Crocodile Dundee replies, “And who is that guy and what does he do?” Steve Irwin simply says, “Oh, ...

An Elderly Couple Watching Television

Elderly couple... sitting down watching television
when the commercials come on, the husband smiles at his wife and says, I would love some ice cream right now.
His wife says, me too! What do you want, I’ll go get it.
Husband: I’d like to have 2 scoops of vanilla with chocolate and caram...

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A blonde participates in the television show Who wants to be a millionaire...

The TV host asks her the following questions:

1st
How long did the 100-year war last?

a) 116 years
b) 99 years
c) 100 years
d) 150 years

The blonde chooses to use the opportunity not to respond.

2nd
In which country did you find the Panama Cabin?

a) ...

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A little boy is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.

"MUM," the boy yells at the top of his voice, "I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!"

Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's language in front of her guests...

You’ve heard of television but have you heard of

Askahearing?

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 35 years in the parish.



A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first c...

A man comes home from a long day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television and turns on the game. Without hesitation he tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He quickly finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s about to start.” The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is tha...

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A group of elderly folks were watching television at the retirement home...

They were enjoying their show until it was time for a commercial break. Having nothing else to do, they stayed sitting and watched the commercials. Suddenly, one advertisement displayed attractive men and women in rubber bodysuits, latex clothing, and BDSM-looking outfits. The elderly were aghast....

My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise

I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists

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Wilson’s nails

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson's Nails. "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape." A week goes by and the marketing executive ...

Why don't salmon watch cable television?

They prefer streams.

You should never let your children watch the symphony on television.

Too much sax and violins

Why is television called a medium?

Because it isn't rare and is never quite well done

A man has 3 children: “Sandy”, “Snowy” and “Bricky”.

One night he is watching television, Snowy approaches him and ask: “Why is my name snowy?”

The father replies: “Because when you were born, a little snow flake posed on your head and your mother though it was beautiful”

The other day, Sandy approaches his dad and asks him: “Why is my n...

How does an Italian win an award in television?

He has to rigatoni

Television was never really black and white before color

It was basically just 50 shades of gray

I saw this black guy running with a new television. I called police because it looked like mine.

The police checked and It was OK. Mine was still home doing yard work.

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

Watson comes home and finds Sherlock watching television, he asks what he's watching.

Sherlock replies "Documentary my dear Watson!"

This my first Reddit post, I'm pretty sure I actually made up this joke.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A question mark walks into a bar?

If you made a corn labyrinth in the likeness of a deceased television pitchman...

You'd have a Billy Mays maize maze.

A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.

Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. “You kids don’t know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn’t afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light.”

It has been proven that more Americans watch television

than any other appliance.

What do you mean I can't identify as a television?

Just watch me!

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A fat man is watching television

He is desperate about his weight situation, all of the sudden he sees an advertisement about losing weight on a tv channel, the woman on the tv shows 3 lose weight secrets that can be deliver to your house but without knowing what the actual product is, she also mentions to be aware of the third on...

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An Irishman at my work told me three of jokes yesterday

"I was at the gas station earlier before I came here, and they had a freezer chest outside, and it said "Cold Ice"..... I bloody well hope it is!"

"How can you tell if a man is well hung?
Try to get your fingers through the space between the rope and his neck."

"A group of people we...

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I had a troubled childhood, my parents never put a hand over my eyes when people were kissing on the television.

They tried to push down my boner instead.

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I oppose all this sex on the television.

I mean, I keep falling off.

(credit to monty python)

Saw a good one earlier and got inspired to do something similar

I'll give it try. Since this is my first ever post on this sub, I hope you guys let me down easy.


One day, Larry walked past a TV store. On the screen of the fattest flat-screen TV, a national news-broadcast was running a story about an object from outer space on a collision course with E...

My new television is really hyperactive.

It's an ADHDTV.

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A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

What is the difference between Reddit and children's television?

Children don't throw tantrums when there's a rerun of some content.

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel.

One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.

Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders a...

So a horse wants to start a band...

The horse needs some of his friend from the farm to help him out so they can become a band.

First he needs a guitarist, and who better than his friend chicken who played guitar for 3 years. He asks chicken if he wants to join and he agrees.

Next he needs a drummer, so horse thought a...

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Hospitals are weird

On one floor, a woman is bringing new life into the world, as her husband looks on.

On the next, a man is saying his heartfelt last goodbyes.

Finally, on the floor above that, a frat boy is having a television remote removed from his ass.

Fidel Castro is making a speech on television.

At the five-hour mark, he says, "look at all the poverty in America! In Havana everyone has an apartment, but in Miami there are people sleeping on park benches!"

The next day a classified ad appears in the Havana paper: "WANTED TO TRADE: two-bedroom apartment in Havana for park bench in Miam...

Despite many negative reviews, Donald Trump is not a terrible president.

He’s just subverting expectations to create compelling television.

Game Show

Some folks see me as a know-it-all. I'm not, but I have a reasonable memory, and it got me on a game show, once.

The television game show was being recorded - they do a whole week at a time, and this was the wrap-up. I was in the hot seat for the last big question.

The host turned to m...

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Reigniting the flame

A couple in their 80s is sitting around enjoying another quiet Friday night. The gentleman had lost interest in sex many years ago, but his loving wife still attempts to reignite their flame from time to time. She has an idea that just might work. She just needs to add some shock value. So she g...

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A man takes his family on vacation...

He goes down to the concierge desk and informs them that he has children in his room and he would like to request the following...


"Please ensure that no long distance numbers can be called."

"Of course sir, done."

"Please ensure there are no alcoholic beverages in the min...

Pedophiles are like televisions

Even a three year old can turn them on.

My parents told me I should start watching less television and read more

So I turned the subtitles on

Guy and blonde in a bar

A gorgeous Australian blonde and a guy are sitting next to each other in a bar. Both of them are watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you a kiss he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said th...

Original Joke. Be Kind.

A Television crew had set up at a kindergarten to do a story on literacy week for the local news. The Teacher selected Little Johnny to be interviewed as he was the brightest lad at the kindy.

The camera starts rolling and the interviewer begins to ask Johnny some questions -

"How old ...

I was a rather optimistic child

I used to think CCTV was a very, very positive Spanish television channel

Three bullets [long]

A pregnant woman was standing in line at the bank one day, when suddenly, a man in a ski mask stormed in and started shooting up the place.

She was shot in the stomach three times, but was rushed to hospital in time and the doctors were able to save her and her three babies. She had them ...

What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman

Superbowl

Every seat in the football stadium was sold except one. It was the day of the Superbowl.

A television reporter noticed the empty seat and thought there might be a story.

"Why is this seat empty"", he asked a man sitting beside it.

"That's my wife's seat", came the reply.
...

A blonde walks into an appliance store.

She asks the clerk " Hi, how much is that pink Television?" the clerk replies "Sorry, but we don't sell to blondes". She screams discrimination but eventually accepts defeat and walks out.She dyes her hair black, wears sunglasses and goes back the next day, "What's the price for that pink Television...

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It has started

(English is not my first language. Sorry in advance if I make any grammar errors. Also, the joke is originally in another language, so it might not be that good in English.)
An older couple lived together in a small house. The man was watching television while his wife was cleaning. The man said:...

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A truck drivers wife is standing buck naked staring at herself in the mirror

She says to herself "I'm fat and wrinkly, my skin is old and weather worn, my hair is falling out and I just don't feel beautiful anymore"

She turns to her husband and says 'Honey, I'm fat and wrinkly, my skin is old and weather worn, my hair is falling out and I just don't feel beautiful any...

Circa 1994: A blonde walks into an appliance store and says to the salesman.

"excuse me sir, I would like to buy that television over there"

"Sorry ma'am we don't sell to blondes" the salesman replies

Appalled the blonde scoffs and storms out the door

She comes back with a red wig on and tries again only to have the man tell her

"Sorry ma'am we...

A guy dies and goes to hell.

Satan welcomes him warmly and shakes his hand. He is given the keys to a gorgeous apartment, where he finds a brand new set of golf clubs, and a membership to the ritzy Hades Golf Club. He has servants to look after his every need.

In the garage is a brand new sports car and the fridge is sto...

The TV Healer

Grandpa and Grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set...

Nice Car!

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes...

A carpenter finds a genie in a lamp

The genie tells the man "I can only grant you one wish. What is it that you would like?"
The carpenter responds: "You know, carpentry is my passion. I would love to be able to talk to my tools. They are my friends, after all".
The genie makes it so.
Later, the carpenter is working on the ...

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You know you're ISIS if...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You destroy world heritage but believe we should plant trees.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

You think vests come in two sty...

Struggle is

Watching a match between England and West Indies, on a black and white television. Turn the brightness up and one team disappears, turn it down and the other does.

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Kid learns "fancy" words. #1

young Tommy had gotten in trouble at school one day and after a series of events was on the verge of being expelled from his elementary school. To save face the boy's parents invited the superintendent and a few select teacher's over for dinner to discuss Tommy's future at the school. The young boy ...

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A boy is at school

and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and
their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother.

"Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest
dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "So...

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A teacher says to her first grade class

"Alright kids, from now on, we must use grown up words. Now Tommy, what did you do this weekend?"

"I rode on a Choo-Choo", said Tommy

"No Tommy, you rode on a train, please use more grown-up words. Now Jacky, what did you do this weekend?"
"I played with my woof woof", said Jacky...

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