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Television Jokes

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

I asked my grandma what her parents did for fun before there was television.

I asked her 7 brothers and 7 sisters and they didn't know either.

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A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

A guy driving a Kia.

A guy driving a Kia pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce...

The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls looks over and says s...

You know what my least favorite thing about network television is?

Find out after the break.

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise

I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists

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Don't say ANYTHING about your sex life around any "smart" device like Siri, Alexa, television or refrigerator.

I made that mistake, and I'm now getting popup ads for vacuum cleaners, cat litter and oil changes at Jiffy Lube.

One thing surprising is that they don't have television in Afghanastan

It's because of the Tele-ban

The invention of television has eliminated famine in Ireland.

Now, when the crops fail in the garden, the population can raise couch potatoes in the living room.

A television crew comes to the farm to make an interview with the shephard about his daily routine.

"Our viewers would like to know what a regular day here on the countryside looks like. Can you start right from the beginning?" Asks the reporter.

"Oh, yeah sure." starts the shephard, "So first I wake up, but I really don't wanna so I take a sip of my brandy to start off my day. Then I have ...

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What would a bisexual television identify as?

Part of the LG TV OLED 4K+ community

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Almost got on a television show once....

So pissed they cancelled COPS

I saw an advert that read: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”

I thought to myself, I can’t turn that down.

I never imagined Chris Rock getting slapped on national television…

But I guess if there’s a Will, there’s a way.

I have a friend that does maintenance work on television transmitter towers, some of which are more than 1000' in height. He doesn't always wear a safety harness when climbing.

I don't think he grasps the gravity of the situation.

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, bu...

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I Object to All This Sex on the Television

I keep falling off.

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television.

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

So Bill Cosby was released from prison, and now I hear he's getting his own television show?

Women Say the Darndest Things.

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

Watson comes home and finds Sherlock watching television, he asks what he's watching.

Sherlock replies "Documentary my dear Watson!"

This my first Reddit post, I'm pretty sure I actually made up this joke.

Mrs. Smartt was fumbling in her purse for her offering when a large television remote fell out and clattered into the aisle.

The curious usher bent over to retrieve it for her and whispered, “Do you always carry your TV remote to church?”

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come with me this morning, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

I faced the wrong way on live television.

Back to the studio.

What’s the dirtiest thing ever said on television

GEE ward you were awfully rough on the beaver last night

From the Newsdesk: Television Star turned Politician loses bid for reelection amidst corruption allegations...

Our request for a comment from Sideshow Bob's campaign staff was declined

I've been watching far too much television lately.

My dreams have adverts in them now.

I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers

I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge.

The National Origami championship is on television tonight.

It’s on paper view.

If there was a television series about a Deadhead surgeon, what would it be called?

A: Touch Of Grey's Anatomy.

The mind that calls Covid-19 "the Chinese Virus" on live television is the same mind that called the CEO of Apple "Tim Apple" on live television.

The punchline: It's not racism, it's stupidity.

A blonde girl sets out to prove blonde aren’t dumb

A blonde girl rents out a stadium and invites as many blondes as she can and sure enough 80,000 blondes fill the stadium and she films it all on live television. She invites a little 4 year old girl out in front of everyone and asks her “what’s 2+2?” The little girl shivers and squeaks out “T-three?...

Don't be worried about your smartphone and television collecting your data...

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for YEARS now.

A man on the street was trying to sell me a "slightly used" television...

"How can a television be slightly used?" I inquired

"The old lady that owned it, she was blind in one eye." he said

An Elderly Couple Watching Television

Elderly couple... sitting down watching television
when the commercials come on, the husband smiles at his wife and says, I would love some ice cream right now.
His wife says, me too! What do you want, I’ll go get it.
Husband: I’d like to have 2 scoops of vanilla with chocolate and caram...

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The 107-year-old man was asked by a television crew what was the secret of his longevity.

"It's because I gave up sex," he said.

"When did you give up sex?" asked the reporter.

"Just about fifteen years ago."

"I see," said the reporter. "And why did you give up sex?"

"I had to. I like older women and there weren't any more left!"

My next door neighbors are fortune tellers. They told me to turn down my television.

I told them I would find a “happy medium.”

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A group of elderly folks were watching television at the retirement home...

They were enjoying their show until it was time for a commercial break. Having nothing else to do, they stayed sitting and watched the commercials. Suddenly, one advertisement displayed attractive men and women in rubber bodysuits, latex clothing, and BDSM-looking outfits. The elderly were aghast....

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I hate when sex is on the television

I always fall off

What do you mean I can't identify as a television?

Just watch me!

A bunch of nature television stars decide to have a barbecue.

Steve Irwin and Crocodile Dundee were talking. Crocodile Dundee asks, “Mate, there aren’t many people here, what’s everybody doing?” Steve Irwin says, “ Your washing plates and I’m setting the table.” Crocodile Dundee replies, “And who is that guy and what does he do?” Steve Irwin simply says, “Oh, ...

Studies show that more Americans watch television...

than any other household appliance.

You should never let your children watch the symphony on television.

Too much sax and violins

My parents told me I should start watching less television and read more

So I turned the subtitles on

You’ve heard of television but have you heard of

Askahearing?

The man who invented the television remote control passed away today

They found him at home between the couch cushions.

A man comes home from a long day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television and turns on the game. Without hesitation he tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He quickly finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s about to start.” The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is tha...

If you made a corn labyrinth in the likeness of a deceased television pitchman...

You'd have a Billy Mays maize maze.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A question mark walks into a bar?

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I had a troubled childhood, my parents never put a hand over my eyes when people were kissing on the television.

They tried to push down my boner instead.

Did you hear Trump is going back to television?

Yeah. He has signed on with The Biggest Loser.

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A fat man is watching television

He is desperate about his weight situation, all of the sudden he sees an advertisement about losing weight on a tv channel, the woman on the tv shows 3 lose weight secrets that can be deliver to your house but without knowing what the actual product is, she also mentions to be aware of the third on...

Why don't salmon watch cable television?

They prefer streams.

How does an Italian win an award in television?

He has to rigatoni

Raising The Dead!

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.

The preacher faces the camera, and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body ...

A guy dies and goes to hell.

Satan welcomes him warmly and shakes his hand. He is given the keys to a gorgeous apartment, where he finds a brand new set of golf clubs, and a membership to the ritzy Hades Golf Club. He has servants to look after his every need.

In the garage is a brand new sports car and the fridge is sto...

The TV Healer

Grandpa and Grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set...

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Three Beautiful Potatoes

Mr and Mrs Potato Head have three beautiful daughters. One night, they're gathered around the dinner table when the eldest daughter speaks up.

"Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you... I'm getting married!"

Mrs Potato Head looks at her "This is such a surprise! Who is he?"

The ...

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I just watch some really weird porn.....

...It was just a fat man wanking and crying at the same time....


...Then I realised I hadn't switched the television on!!!

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.

Luckily I was the one facing the television.

How DARE you all make fun of 50 Cent’s weight from last night?!

It took a lot of courage for those two guys to hang upside down on national television!

Jumper

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television clos...

Inner peace can be found, eventually

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve Inner Peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So, I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of ...

I read that conservatives want to ban CRT.

I'm not happy with that. I can't afford a new television right now.

A blonde in a shop .

A blonde entered a shop and had a look around . She pointed towards a television and told the salesman she wanted it . The salesman said : sadly I dont sell stuff to blondes . So the blonde walked away angrily. But she still wanted the TV so she dyed her hair red and entered the same shop . Once a...

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

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A man is watching TV by himself

After a short time, he yelled at the television, Don't go into that church you stupid ass hole!!! His wife ran into the room, and asked what are you watching... He replied our wedding video

A blond woman walks into a electronics shop

The owner of the shops asks if he can help her and she points and says : ‘I would like to buy that television.’ The owner says: ‘we don’t sell to blondes.’

So she leaves and comes back to the shop with a red colored wig on and points and says : ‘I would like to buy that television.’ Again th...

Airplane crash survivor monkey

A monkey was the only survivor of a large airplane crash that happened close to an airport. There was heavy destruction, chaos and wreckage parts everywhere, smoke, fire, ambulances, police, aviation forensics, firefighters, airport representatives, television reporting crew, the whole nine yards. N...

I saw this black guy running with a new television. I called police because it looked like mine.

The police checked and It was OK. Mine was still home doing yard work.

Electricity is a great thing...

Without it , we'd be watching television by candlelight

"The Dog Story" from Lewis Grizzard

One of the greatest, "The Dog Story"

>We are playing Auburn. Sanford Stadium. National Television. Winner wins the Southeastern Conference; goes to the Sugar Bowl.
85,000 people jammed into Sanford Stadium. National television audience. This game is on the Armed Service Network. Peopl...

Come on Nancy Pelosi..

you can't just rip one on live television like that

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