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Television Jokes

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."


The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and 80-inch flatscreen television. She said, "I ...

I asked my grandma what her parents did for fun before there was television.

I asked her 7 brothers and 7 sisters and they didn't know either.

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A blonde participates in the television show Who wants to be a millionaire...

The TV host asks her the following questions:

1st
How long did the 100-year war last?

a) 116 years
b) 99 years
c) 100 years
d) 150 years

The blonde chooses to use the opportunity not to respond.

2nd
In which country did you find the Panama Cabin?

a) ...

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A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

A man driving a Kia stops at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.

The Kia driver rolls down his window and calls out to the Rolls-Royce driver, "Hey, pal, that's an impressive car. Does your Rolls have Wi-Fi? My Kia does!"
The Rolls-Royce driver replies, "Yes, it has Wi-Fi."
The Kia driver continues, "Nice! And do you have a fridge in there? I have a fridge ...

Hooters

Two men grow up together as friends. After college, one moves to Ohio, and the other moves to Colorado. They agree to meet every 10 years in Florida to play some golf and catch up with each other.


At age 35 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch.


One asks, "...

You know what my least favorite thing about network television is?

Find out after the break.

A television crew comes to the farm to make an interview with the shephard about his daily routine.

"Our viewers would like to know what a regular day here on the countryside looks like. Can you start right from the beginning?" Asks the reporter.

"Oh, yeah sure." starts the shephard, "So first I wake up, but I really don't wanna so I take a sip of my brandy to start off my day. Then I have ...

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Don't say ANYTHING about your sex life around any "smart" device like Siri, Alexa, television or refrigerator.

I made that mistake, and I'm now getting popup ads for vacuum cleaners, cat litter and oil changes at Jiffy Lube.

One thing surprising is that they don't have television in Afghanastan

It's because of the Tele-ban

I never imagined Chris Rock getting slapped on national television…

But I guess if there’s a Will, there’s a way.

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Vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall, when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter’s bedroom... When she opened the door, she found her daughter scantily clad on the bed with a vibrator.

"What in God's name are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I’m 35 and still...

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Three Beautiful Potatoes

Mr and Mrs Potato Head have three beautiful daughters. One night, they're gathered around the dinner table when the eldest daughter speaks up.

"Mom, Dad, I have something to tell you... I'm getting married!"

Mrs Potato Head looks at her "This is such a surprise! Who is he?"

The ...

Top Ten Robert Blake Defenses

10. "C'mon, I've killed dozens of people on television and it's always been cool"

9. "I was gonna shoot her with a squirt gun, but what with the drought and all..."

8. "At the time of the murder I was... Hey, enough about me. How long have you been a district attorney?"

7. "Wake...

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What would a bisexual television identify as?

Part of the LG TV OLED 4K+ community

"Smart" Televisions.

What do regular TVs and "smart" TVs have in common?

You watch TV on them.

What's the difference between a "smart" TV and a regular TV?

A "smart" TV watches you too.

So Bill Cosby was released from prison, and now I hear he's getting his own television show?

Women Say the Darndest Things.

I have a friend that does maintenance work on television transmitter towers, some of which are more than 1000' in height. He doesn't always wear a safety harness when climbing.

I don't think he grasps the gravity of the situation.

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

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Almost got on a television show once....

So pissed they cancelled COPS

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I Object to All This Sex on the Television

I keep falling off.

A blonde girl sets out to prove blonde aren’t dumb

A blonde girl rents out a stadium and invites as many blondes as she can and sure enough 80,000 blondes fill the stadium and she films it all on live television. She invites a little 4 year old girl out in front of everyone and asks her “what’s 2+2?” The little girl shivers and squeaks out “T-three?...

I saw an advert that read: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”

I thought to myself, I can’t turn that down.

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

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A Danish man entered the international cow milking competition

The man was considered a legend in Denmark and it was said that he could get any cow to produce 20 litres of milk at a time. The people of his country, including his wife and children, were sure that the Danish man would win the competition.

The American first went up on stage — the crowd ch...

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television.

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

The mind that calls Covid-19 "the Chinese Virus" on live television is the same mind that called the CEO of Apple "Tim Apple" on live television.

The punchline: It's not racism, it's stupidity.

Jumper

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. "I'll bet you $10 he'll jump," said the first guy. "Bet you $10 he won't," said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television clos...

My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise

I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists

I've been watching far too much television lately.

My dreams have adverts in them now.

I faced the wrong way on live television.

Back to the studio.

What’s the dirtiest thing ever said on television

GEE ward you were awfully rough on the beaver last night

I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers

I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge.

An Elderly Couple Watching Television

Elderly couple... sitting down watching television
when the commercials come on, the husband smiles at his wife and says, I would love some ice cream right now.
His wife says, me too! What do you want, I’ll go get it.
Husband: I’d like to have 2 scoops of vanilla with chocolate and caram...

Don't be worried about your smartphone and television collecting your data...

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for YEARS now.

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, bu...

Watson comes home and finds Sherlock watching television, he asks what he's watching.

Sherlock replies "Documentary my dear Watson!"

This my first Reddit post, I'm pretty sure I actually made up this joke.

A man on the street was trying to sell me a "slightly used" television...

"How can a television be slightly used?" I inquired

"The old lady that owned it, she was blind in one eye." he said

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The 107-year-old man was asked by a television crew what was the secret of his longevity.

"It's because I gave up sex," he said.

"When did you give up sex?" asked the reporter.

"Just about fifteen years ago."

"I see," said the reporter. "And why did you give up sex?"

"I had to. I like older women and there weren't any more left!"

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A group of elderly folks were watching television at the retirement home...

They were enjoying their show until it was time for a commercial break. Having nothing else to do, they stayed sitting and watched the commercials. Suddenly, one advertisement displayed attractive men and women in rubber bodysuits, latex clothing, and BDSM-looking outfits. The elderly were aghast....

A bunch of nature television stars decide to have a barbecue.

Steve Irwin and Crocodile Dundee were talking. Crocodile Dundee asks, “Mate, there aren’t many people here, what’s everybody doing?” Steve Irwin says, “ Your washing plates and I’m setting the table.” Crocodile Dundee replies, “And who is that guy and what does he do?” Steve Irwin simply says, “Oh, ...

I am trying to produce a television series about the crew of a commercial aircraft.

So far the network executives don’t think it will go over, I guess they didn’t like my pilot.

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I hate when sex is on the television

I always fall off

What do you mean I can't identify as a television?

Just watch me!

Studies show that more Americans watch television...

than any other household appliance.

Mrs. Smartt was fumbling in her purse for her offering when a large television remote fell out and clattered into the aisle.

The curious usher bent over to retrieve it for her and whispered, “Do you always carry your TV remote to church?”

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come with me this morning, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

The National Origami championship is on television tonight.

It’s on paper view.

If there was a television series about a Deadhead surgeon, what would it be called?

A: Touch Of Grey's Anatomy.

Did you hear Trump is going back to television?

Yeah. He has signed on with The Biggest Loser.

You’ve heard of television but have you heard of

Askahearing?

Why is television called a medium?

Because it isn't rare and is never quite well done

The man who invented the television remote control passed away today

They found him at home between the couch cushions.

My next door neighbors are fortune tellers. They told me to turn down my television.

I told them I would find a “happy medium.”

You should never let your children watch the symphony on television.

Too much sax and violins

A man comes home from a long day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television and turns on the game. Without hesitation he tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He quickly finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s about to start.” The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is tha...

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A fat man is watching television

He is desperate about his weight situation, all of the sudden he sees an advertisement about losing weight on a tv channel, the woman on the tv shows 3 lose weight secrets that can be deliver to your house but without knowing what the actual product is, she also mentions to be aware of the third on...

Why don't salmon watch cable television?

They prefer streams.

Airplane crash survivor monkey

A monkey was the only survivor of a large airplane crash that happened close to an airport. There was heavy destruction, chaos and wreckage parts everywhere, smoke, fire, ambulances, police, aviation forensics, firefighters, airport representatives, television reporting crew, the whole nine yards. N...

If you made a corn labyrinth in the likeness of a deceased television pitchman...

You'd have a Billy Mays maize maze.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A question mark walks into a bar?

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I had a troubled childhood, my parents never put a hand over my eyes when people were kissing on the television.

They tried to push down my boner instead.

My parents told me I should start watching less television and read more

So I turned the subtitles on

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The pragmatic wife

After being married for 30 years, a man took a look at his wife and said, "Honey, do you realize 30 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a pull out bed and watched a 13 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice hou...

I saw this black guy running with a new television. I called police because it looked like mine.

The police checked and It was OK. Mine was still home doing yard work.

How does an Italian win an award in television?

He has to rigatoni

My new television is really hyperactive.

It's an ADHDTV.

An Old Couple has Memory Problems

They both continually struggle with short term memory issues, forgetting their keys, glasses and everything else you could possibly imagine!

One day they went to the doctors to ask him what they could do. He told them that one of the best things they can do is write everything down. Not only ...

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I oppose all this sex on the television.

I mean, I keep falling off.

(credit to monty python)

The NSA doesn't understand public television

Why do people enjoy watching Mr. Rogers so much when they could watch the entire neighborhood

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

Football

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous. "There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. ...

Glossing Over a Criminal in the Family Tree

The Taylors were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had traveled to America as pilgrims on the Mayflower. They had included congressmen, successful entrepreneurs, famous sports figures and television stars. They decided to research and write a family history, something for their childr...

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Pedophiles are like televisions

Even a three year old can turn them on.

What is the difference between Reddit and children's television?

Children don't throw tantrums when there's a rerun of some content.

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I just watch some really weird porn.....

...It was just a fat man wanking and crying at the same time....


...Then I realised I hadn't switched the television on!!!

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