One thing surprising is that they don't have television in Afghanastan

It's because of the Tele-ban

A blonde walks into a store to buy a new Television

She looks around for a while and finds the perfect TV for herself

She approaches the salesman and says "I would like to buy this TV." The salesman says "sorry, we cannot sell you this in good faith, I don't think you know what you're looking for."

Upset, the blonde storms out and thin...

I never imagined Chris Rock getting slapped on national television…

But I guess if there’s a Will, there’s a way.

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

You know what my least favorite thing about network television is?

Find out after the break.

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What would a bisexual television identify as?

Part of the LG TV OLED 4K+ community

A television crew comes to the farm to make an interview with the shephard about his daily routine.

"Our viewers would like to know what a regular day here on the countryside looks like. Can you start right from the beginning?" Asks the reporter.

"Oh, yeah sure." starts the shephard, "So first I wake up, but I really don't wanna so I take a sip of my brandy to start off my day. Then I have ...

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Don't say ANYTHING about your sex life around any "smart" device like Siri, Alexa, television or refrigerator.

I made that mistake, and I'm now getting popup ads for vacuum cleaners, cat litter and oil changes at Jiffy Lube.

So Bill Cosby was released from prison, and now I hear he's getting his own television show?

Women Say the Darndest Things.

I have a friend that does maintenance work on television transmitter towers, some of which are more than 1000' in height. He doesn't always wear a safety harness when climbing.

I don't think he grasps the gravity of the situation.

The invention of television has eliminated famine in Ireland.

Now, when the crops fail in the garden, the population can raise couch potatoes in the living room.

I asked my grandma what her parents did for fun before there was television.

I asked her 7 brothers and 7 sisters and they didn't know either.

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A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with h...

An Old Couple has Memory Problems

They both continually struggle with short term memory issues, forgetting their keys, glasses and everything else you could possibly imagine!

One day they went to the doctors to ask him what they could do. He told them that one of the best things they can do is write everything down. Not only ...

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Almost got on a television show once....

So pissed they cancelled COPS

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I Object to All This Sex on the Television

I keep falling off.

"Smart" Televisions.

What do regular TVs and "smart" TVs have in common?

You watch TV on them.

What's the difference between a "smart" TV and a regular TV?

A "smart" TV watches you too.

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television.

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

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The pragmatic wife

After being married for 30 years, a man took a look at his wife and said, "Honey, do you realize 30 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a pull out bed and watched a 13 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 21 year old blonde. Now, we have a nice hou...

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

Glossing Over a Criminal in the Family Tree

The Taylors were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had traveled to America as pilgrims on the Mayflower. They had included congressmen, successful entrepreneurs, famous sports figures and television stars. They decided to research and write a family history, something for their childr...

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A blonde participates in the television show Who wants to be a millionaire...

The TV host asks her the following questions:

1st
How long did the 100-year war last?

a) 116 years
b) 99 years
c) 100 years
d) 150 years

The blonde chooses to use the opportunity not to respond.

2nd
In which country did you find the Panama Cabin?

a) ...

The mind that calls Covid-19 "the Chinese Virus" on live television is the same mind that called the CEO of Apple "Tim Apple" on live television.

The punchline: It's not racism, it's stupidity.

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

I saw an advert that read: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”

I thought to myself, I can’t turn that down.

What’s the dirtiest thing ever said on television

GEE ward you were awfully rough on the beaver last night

From the Newsdesk: Television Star turned Politician loses bid for reelection amidst corruption allegations...

Our request for a comment from Sideshow Bob's campaign staff was declined

I faced the wrong way on live television.

Back to the studio.

I've been watching far too much television lately.

My dreams have adverts in them now.

How DARE you all make fun of 50 Cent’s weight from last night?!

It took a lot of courage for those two guys to hang upside down on national television!

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I just watch some really weird porn.....

...It was just a fat man wanking and crying at the same time....


...Then I realised I hadn't switched the television on!!!

A man on the street was trying to sell me a "slightly used" television...

"How can a television be slightly used?" I inquired

"The old lady that owned it, she was blind in one eye." he said

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A man is watching TV by himself

After a short time, he yelled at the television, Don't go into that church you stupid ass hole!!! His wife ran into the room, and asked what are you watching... He replied our wedding video

My friend believes The Office is the best television show, and belittles anyone that thinks otherwise

I'm so tired of these Dwight Supremacists

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers

I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge.

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I hate when sex is on the television

I always fall off

If there was a television series about a Deadhead surgeon, what would it be called?

A: Touch Of Grey's Anatomy.

Don't be worried about your smartphone and television collecting your data...

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for YEARS now.

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The 107-year-old man was asked by a television crew what was the secret of his longevity.

"It's because I gave up sex," he said.

"When did you give up sex?" asked the reporter.

"Just about fifteen years ago."

"I see," said the reporter. "And why did you give up sex?"

"I had to. I like older women and there weren't any more left!"

Mrs. Smartt was fumbling in her purse for her offering when a large television remote fell out and clattered into the aisle.

The curious usher bent over to retrieve it for her and whispered, “Do you always carry your TV remote to church?”

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come with me this morning, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

An Elderly Couple Watching Television

Elderly couple... sitting down watching television
when the commercials come on, the husband smiles at his wife and says, I would love some ice cream right now.
His wife says, me too! What do you want, I’ll go get it.
Husband: I’d like to have 2 scoops of vanilla with chocolate and caram...

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, bu...

My next door neighbors are fortune tellers. They told me to turn down my television.

I told them I would find a “happy medium.”

The National Origami championship is on television tonight.

It’s on paper view.

Watson comes home and finds Sherlock watching television, he asks what he's watching.

Sherlock replies "Documentary my dear Watson!"

This my first Reddit post, I'm pretty sure I actually made up this joke.

I read that conservatives want to ban CRT.

I'm not happy with that. I can't afford a new television right now.

The man who invented the television remote control passed away today

They found him at home between the couch cushions.

A man comes home from a long day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television and turns on the game. Without hesitation he tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.” The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later he says, “Get me another beer before it starts.” She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He quickly finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s about to start.” The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is tha...

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A group of elderly folks were watching television at the retirement home...

They were enjoying their show until it was time for a commercial break. Having nothing else to do, they stayed sitting and watched the commercials. Suddenly, one advertisement displayed attractive men and women in rubber bodysuits, latex clothing, and BDSM-looking outfits. The elderly were aghast....

You should never let your children watch the symphony on television.

Too much sax and violins

Did you hear Trump is going back to television?

Yeah. He has signed on with The Biggest Loser.

You’ve heard of television but have you heard of

Askahearing?

A bunch of nature television stars decide to have a barbecue.

Steve Irwin and Crocodile Dundee were talking. Crocodile Dundee asks, “Mate, there aren’t many people here, what’s everybody doing?” Steve Irwin says, “ Your washing plates and I’m setting the table.” Crocodile Dundee replies, “And who is that guy and what does he do?” Steve Irwin simply says, “Oh, ...

Why is television called a medium?

Because it isn't rare and is never quite well done

I was watching a new television series on the 9/11 highjackings

And judging by the pilot it won’t last long

Why are televisions attracted to people?

Because people turn them on

What do you mean I can't identify as a television?

Just watch me!

Studies show that more Americans watch television...

than any other household appliance.

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My wife phoned me.

"There are two men standing outside," she whispered in a panic. "I think they are going to break in to our house."

I said, "If they force their way in, don't let them have anything good. Ok?"

"Ok, ok. I'll try my best!" she cried.

I said, "No television, no Xbo...

I saw this black guy running with a new television. I called police because it looked like mine.

The police checked and It was OK. Mine was still home doing yard work.

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A fat man is watching television

He is desperate about his weight situation, all of the sudden he sees an advertisement about losing weight on a tv channel, the woman on the tv shows 3 lose weight secrets that can be deliver to your house but without knowing what the actual product is, she also mentions to be aware of the third on...

Why don't salmon watch cable television?

They prefer streams.

How does an Italian win an award in television?

He has to rigatoni

Television was never really black and white before color

It was basically just 50 shades of gray

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A question mark walks into a bar?

If you made a corn labyrinth in the likeness of a deceased television pitchman...

You'd have a Billy Mays maize maze.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a troubled childhood, my parents never put a hand over my eyes when people were kissing on the television.

They tried to push down my boner instead.

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I oppose all this sex on the television.

I mean, I keep falling off.

(credit to monty python)

My uncle has a television set in his automobile, but it led to a little trouble.

You see, he was sitting in the car, watching television, while his wife was driving on the highway at sixty miles per hour.

Then the commercial came on, and he stepped out to go to the bathroom

My parents told me I should start watching less television and read more

So I turned the subtitles on

Frank and the blonde.

Frank walked into his favorite bar that hasn't been shut down by Covid. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the television.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at...

My new television is really hyperactive.

It's an ADHDTV.

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Pedophiles are like televisions

Even a three year old can turn them on.

Fidel Castro is making a speech on television.

At the five-hour mark, he says, "look at all the poverty in America! In Havana everyone has an apartment, but in Miami there are people sleeping on park benches!"

The next day a classified ad appears in the Havana paper: "WANTED TO TRADE: two-bedroom apartment in Havana for park bench in Miam...

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A daughter takes her old father to a retirement home

A daughter takes her old father in a wheelchair to a retirement home for the first time. The nurse, expecting their arrival, greets them with, "Welcome to the Johnson family retirement home! We think you'll feel quite at home here! Please follow me and I'll show you around." The nurse pushes the...

What is the difference between Reddit and children's television?

Children don't throw tantrums when there's a rerun of some content.

A salesperson calls a home and the phone is answered by a softly spoken little girl, so quiet she’s hard to hear.

“Hello little girl, can I speak with your mommy?”
“No. She’s busy”.

“Sorry? Did you say she’s busy? Well could I speak with your daddy?”
“No. He’s busy too”.

“Is there anyone else there?”
“Yes, my aunty and uncle”.
“Could I speak with one of them?”
“No. They’re...

A Korean couple.

A Korean couple were sitting on the couch in front of the television when they hear a loud fart.

“ It was the dog” said the man smiling.

“Don’t blame the dog” the woman said “ I cooked it perfectly”

Electricity is a great thing...

Without it , we'd be watching television by candlelight

Two women meets in the afterlife,

\-Hello, My name is Mia!

\-Hello. Mine is Emma. How'd you die?

\-Well... I froze to death.

\-Oh my.. what a terrible way to die!

\-Well it wasn't that bad. I was shivering from cold, but then I felt a warmness and I got really sleepy, Then I died. How did you die?

...

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A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

Matthew McConaughey walked into a deli to order a sandwich

“What can I get for you?” the shopkeep asked.

Matthew replied, “well my good man, you see I’ve had the good fortune of becoming a world renown celebrity, an academy award winning actor, I’ve played some of the most iconic roles in television history, and I’m even known for my whimsical yet c...

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