UPJOKE
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Photographers are so violent.

They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.

Are people born with a photographic memory....

....or does it take time to develop ?

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.

Please keep your photo and return the others.”

A man took a dark photograph and was arrested

He was charged with indecent exposure

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

The Photographer.

A Los Angeles agent representing a wealthy photographer called and asked to speak to his client.

"Brittany, I have some good news and I have some bad news."


The photographer replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."


The ...

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Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

Why the fuck are you morons spending real money on Reddit awards? Fucking STOP it. Reddit admins do NOT deserve any kind of money at all. The just banned 200 odd subreddits - and you fucking halfwits want to reward them for it.

Fuck's sake.

What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer?

By selling your camera.

The New York Times recently published a new Hubble photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble Space Telescope, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

I’m trying to get a photographic memory

But its still developing.

Tried to photograph formica spraying acid

But they wood-ant cooperate

A dancer and a photographer went to a barre to concentrate.

After a few shots, they had lost focus and couldn't remember the pointe.

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

Kim Jong Un visits a pig farm somewhere in rural North Korea. A photograph of him with some pigs is taken.

The caption reads: Several pigs surrounding Dear Leader (3rd from left)

A Photographer was killed on the job.

His photography subjects tried to warn him but apparently a giant wheel of coagulated milk crushed him.

I have a photographic memory...

I need to take a photograph to remember anything.

Did you hear about the photographer who ran out of subjects?

He shot himself.

How do you seduce a photographer?

Turn off the lights and see if anything develops.

Girls hate it when I suddenly send them photographs of parasites

Turns out, no one wants unsolicited tick pics

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

Q. Why were photographs so depressing before digital cameras were invented?

A. Because they spent too much time processing the negatives.

I found a dead man's photograph on the ground

Someone shot it

Never purchase jewelry based off of a photograph

It makes you look 2D pendant

What does a photographer have in common with an art thief?

The both take pictures.

Two Southern belles are walking down a country road.

They are out enjoying a sunset walk and admiring the scenery, when they come across a man taking photographs. The man, being awestruck at the beauty of the two ladies, asks if he can take their picture with the setting sun in the background.

The ladies discuss the idea and eventually agree. ...

A photographer from a well known international magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.

When the photographer arrived, he realize that the smoke was so thick, it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything at ground level.

He requested permission to hire a plane and take photos from the air.

Arriving at the airport, he saw a plane warming ...

People who like being photographed in natural light..

..should be taken outside and shot.

You might have read about nature photographers disguising their cameras as herd animals to photograph lions...

Don't believe it.

Fake Gnus

Why can't anyone photograph grizzlies wearing shoes or socks?

Because they have bear feet

She was only a photographers daughter

But she was extremely well developed

I'd like to rent a pueblo style building and open a business selling photographic prints.

It will be called: Adobe Photo Shop

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I had a professional photographer take pictures of me wiping my butt.

I always wanted to be a roll model.

An American photographer on vacation.

An American photographer on vacation was inside Westminster Abbey taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The ...

I applied for a job as a Photographer

Despite a negative interview, the boss told me that he can develop my talent in the dark room.

Why are photographers less skilled than they used to be?

They're not developing.

What's the name of an Asian photographer?

Phil Ming

A friend of mine got into photographing salmon in different clothing

He said he liked shooting fish in apparel

A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

When trying to take a group photo, a giant wheel of cheddar rolled over and crushed him.

Witnesses said people did try to warn him.

This guy dropped a photograph on a sidewalk....

And it fell under a woman's skirt. He asked her "can you lift your skirt? I just wanna take a photo"

What type of image formats do lion photographers use?

RAWR

Two photographers are walking down a street.

One of them trips and fall onto the ground.
The second one immediately falls down next to him and says: “Excellent angle! What are we shooting?”

What does a Terrorist Photographer do?

Photobomb

A photographer goes to a haunted castle

A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween.

The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot.

The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.
...

Why photographers make the best girlfriends?

They like when you shoot raw.

What kind of equipment did the the pirate's photographers use?

Cannons

A photographer had his lens fall off his camera

He was fined for indecent exposure.

I dream of becoming a selfie photographer..

I can just picture myself doing it.

What did Cinderella say when the chemist lost her photographs

Someday my prints will come

I’m looking for jokes that you have to work out. My favourite is the one in the below, which was posted here by another user. Does anyone else have any similar ones that you have to think about before finding the funny?

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

What do snipers and photographers have in common?

They get paid to take headshots.

Why don't racist people take photographs in old cameras?

'Cause they appear in black and white.

Being married to a photographer is depressing...

...they're always looking at the negatives.

Why are photographers always so depressed?

Because they don’t do anything all day but focus on the negatives.

My wife was photographing some superheroes last night. I suggested to her to turn the flash on...

...turns out, he really enjoys a lap dance.

I have a Photographic memory

Unfortunately it's digital and it didn't come with a memory card.

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Did you know if you photograph your butt the picture will never come out blurry?

Hindsight is always 20/20.

Tried to take a photograph of some fog

Mist

I asked my photographer friend which pose was the best for selfies...

...he said, "It doesn't really matter. Just take your pic."

Why did the Photographer kill himself?

A. He had a problem with perspective

Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?

He couldn't focus on the negatives.

What is the best quality to use when photographing forks?

4K

Why did the photographer fail his test?

Because he couldn't FOCUS

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Somebody told my g/f it was sexy to bite her lip posing for photographs....

I still haven't found the courage to tell her its the bottom lip you bite......





(you just tried to bite your upper lip)

What do you call an American fish photographer?

A school shooter.

Popeye was a really good photographer, Because he was

“Popeye DSLR man!”

My buddy was telling about his new hobby of photographing Salmon in different outfits.

Apparently it's just like shooting fish in apparel.

Comrade Khrushchev goes to a pig farm and he is photographed there.

In the village newspaper office, there was a heated discussion about how to caption the photograph. “Pigs and Comrade Khrushchev”? “Comrade Khrushchev Among Pigs”? None will do. The editor finally makes a decision: “Third From Left: Comrade Khrushchev.”

I was the photographer at a vegan wedding this weekend

They kept getting mad when I told them to say cheese.

Two Swedish models, Astrid and Ebba, are at a photoshoot

The photographer takes a few shots, takes a minute to switch to a different lens, spends some time adjusting the camera to the new lens, and then resumes.

After he's repeated this process a few times, Astrid gets visibly frustrated with the continual delays to the shoot. She turns to Ebba and...

What's the difference between young girls and photographs?

After putting them in a dark room, you have to wait for the photograph to fully develop.

Why are photographers good problem solvers?

They have a knack at looking at things from a different perspective.

Two weeks ago I got a job in a photographers dark room.

After an initial negative review, today my boss told me my talent is developing.

A quick and easy way to make money is to sell photographs of salmon dressed up in tuxedoes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him.

All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail.

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...

A bunch of Chinese people come to a photographer for passport photos...

The photographer saw the enormous work to guide each of the 50 people and told to himself:

-Well, they all look the same, I will do just one photo and will send a copy to each one. They wouldn't notice.

So, he did it and sent a copy to each one of them. The next day, a Chinese guy com...

An unemployed guy sees an ad in the paper that says "Photographer wanted for Miami-based luxury bikini line". Thinking it to be a joke, the guy calls the number in the ad.

"Hello," he says. "Is that photographer ad a joke?"

"No," says the voice on the other line. "One of our photographers died suddenly last week, and we're looking for a new one."

"Cool! I've been looking for a new job for a while, and this seems like it could be a very fine job for me."<...

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
...

Giorgio, the Italian immigrant...

(long) ...came to the US back in the 1960s before digital photos, cell phones, or computers. He wanted to get a professional photo taken to be sent to his mamma in Italy to show her how well he was doing.

The photographer said he would be at Giorgio’s home at 11:00. But, Giorgio understood 1:...

Austrian humor

*One time back in the 1980s when I was living in Austria, a bunch of us went out for a beer. During the chit-chat, an American friend of mine named Margie insisted that Austrian jokes weren't funny. Her (Austrian) boyfriend Werner disagreed. Margie said, "Well, tell that mouse joke of yours." Werner...

Students at a high school in Georgia were suspended for posting photographs of their crowded hallways.

The administration was worried about the wrong thing going viral.

A photographer was badly hurt this morning when a huge block of cheese fell on him.

Everyone posing for the wedding party picture had tried to warn him.

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Why do porn photographers never get nervous?

They always picture everyone in the room naked.
Sorry if this is a repost, I've never heard it here before:)

I handed my wife a picture of a $50,000 Birkin designer handbag. "This is what I'm getting you for our anniversary!" She was so happy she started crying.

Who knew a simple photograph would mean so much to her?

Why couldn't the photographer see straight?

He took too many shots.

Before he passed, my grandfather was a professional photographer.

Oh how I miss good ol papa razzi

Why do some photographers have such short attention spans?

Becuse they have a 80D

The photographers of previous generations had it tough.

No matter how hard they tried, they always developed a negative image.

A photographer and a sniper meet in a bar.

Neither is aware of the other's occupation.
They talk about "how to take the perfect shot."
[A college student shows up, slams back both of their drinks and says "Thats how you take a shot!" ](#s)

Did you hear about that photographer that got locked in his dark room?

By the time they found the body he'd died of exposure.

My friend's dad is a war photographer, but with a twist.

He goes into battlefields after the shooting's stopped and takes pictures of the aftermath.

The newspaper he works for got him a contract to take photos in Iraq. Well, this was just after the war broke out, and he couldn't just fly into the country, not while there was a war. So he flew into...

The World Health Organization has asked photographers to lower their exposure while out doing their jobs…

I guess ISOlation is the name of the game.

What does an arctic wildlife photographer get from sitting around too long?

Polaroids.

^I ^know, ^that ^was ^god ^awful.

Did you hear about the water thief-turned-photographer?

Apparently he was a great pitcher-taker.

(Credit goes to my husband.)

I got an email from my girlfriend. It said, "Can you send me a photograph of my best body part?"

So I emailed her back.

What do you call an egyptian god with a photographic memory?

Cam-Ra

My neighbors, the Razzis, have more family photographs hanging from their wall than anyone I know.

Thanks to their Dad.

Papa Razzi.

What does a church photographer and Stephen Paddock have in common?

They're both mass shooters.

What did the photographer say when he retired?

"I can't take it anymore!"

A Photographer Hears About a Ghost Appearance...

It was said to be appearing that night, in an abandoned house. This was said to only happen every one hundred years. So, the photographer packs his equipment and goes to the house. Around midnight, the ghost appears. It turns out to be quite friendly, and consents to have its picture taken. The phot...

Dear Sir, On behalf of Channel Four may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show

Also the charming photograph you enclosed. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt".

Kind regards
Channel Four.

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