UPJOKE
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A Photographer was killed on the job.

His photography subjects tried to warn him but apparently a giant wheel of coagulated milk crushed him.

How do you seduce a photographer?

Turn off the lights and see if anything develops.

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him.

To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

Are people born with a photographic memory....

....or does it take time to develop ?

A photographer from a well known international magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.

When the photographer arrived, he realize that the smoke was so thick, it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything at ground level.

He requested permission to hire a plane and take photos from the air.

Arriving at the airport, he saw a plane warming ...

A friend of mine got into photographing salmon in different clothing

He said he liked shooting fish in apparel

Why did the photographer throw their tripod in the lake?

One of the legs was loose and they couldn't stand it anymore.

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

Hilda and Olga

are models doing a photo-shoot.

The photographer changes lenses for like the tenth time.

Hilda says "Why does he keep changing the lens?"

Olga says "He wants to focus."

Hilda says "Okay but first we must take the photos, Ja?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

Why the fuck are you morons spending real money on Reddit awards? Fucking STOP it. Reddit admins do NOT deserve any kind of money at all. The just banned 200 odd subreddits - and you fucking halfwits want to reward them for it.

Fuck's sake.

Why are photographers less skilled than they used to be?

They're not developing.

Everyone in town loved old Roger.

He was a friendly and jovial man, always wearing a big smile and treating his customers like they were family.

Roger was a woodworker by trade, specializing in ornate picture frames. Everyone who knew him would agree that he was an expert in his field, perhaps even a gifted prodigy, and he ha...

You might have read about nature photographers disguising their cameras as herd animals to photograph lions...

Don't believe it.

Fake Gnus

I applied for a job as a Photographer

Despite a negative interview, the boss told me that he can develop my talent in the dark room.

The Photographer.

A Los Angeles agent representing a wealthy photographer called and asked to speak to his client.

"Brittany, I have some good news and I have some bad news."


The photographer replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."


The ...

My wife was photographing some superheroes last night. I suggested to her to turn the flash on...

...turns out, he really enjoys a lap dance.

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family....

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"O...

What kind of equipment did the the pirate's photographers use?

Cannons

A man took a dark photograph and was arrested

He was charged with indecent exposure

A photographer was badly hurt this morning when a huge block of cheese fell on him...

Everyone posing for the wedding party picture had tried to warn him!

I found a dead man's photograph on the ground

Someone shot it

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

Never purchase jewelry based off of a photograph

It makes you look 2D pendant

I'm a photographer who only takes pics of girls at Mardi Gras...

I guess you can say I'm into Flash photography

What type of image formats do lion photographers use?

RAWR

Why can't anyone photograph grizzlies wearing shoes or socks?

Because they have bear feet

A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him.

All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail.

A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

When trying to take a group photo, a giant wheel of cheddar rolled over and crushed him.

Witnesses said people did try to warn him.

I handed my wife a picture of a $50,000 Birkin designer handbag. "This is what I'm getting you for our anniversary!" She was so happy she started crying.

Who knew a simple photograph would mean so much to her?

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.

Please keep your photo and return the others.”

An American photographer on vacation.

An American photographer on vacation was inside Westminster Abbey taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The ...

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I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse".

When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror.

And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"

Dear sir, On behalf of Channel Four may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show.

Also the charming photograph you enclosed. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt". Kind regards Channel Four.

His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in t...

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Somebody told my g/f it was sexy to bite her lip posing for photographs....

I still haven't found the courage to tell her its the bottom lip you bite......





(you just tried to bite your upper lip)

Photographers are so violent.

They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.

Jesus Saves!

The light turned yellow, just in front of him.He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her cha...

Two photographers are walking down a street.

One of them trips and fall onto the ground.
The second one immediately falls down next to him and says: “Excellent angle! What are we shooting?”

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A man walks into an exotic car dealership and sees a brand new Lamborghini Aventador for only 1000 dollars

The man walks to the salesman and asks him "hey am I reading that correctly? Only one thousand dollars? Don't those usually go for 200 grand whereabouts? What's the catch?"

The car salesman replies, "Not really. Only 14 miles on the odometer, got the twin turbo V12, but due to a defect with t...

I asked my photographer friend which pose was the best for selfies...

...he said, "It doesn't really matter. Just take your pic."

What problem does the Eskimo photographer struggle with because he has a terrible habit of sitting all day on a slab of ice, waiting for his film to develop?

Polaroids

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The Horse Joke (long)

So there are two racehorses.

A young racehorse and an old racehorse.

The young racehorse is about to run his first race and the old racehorse is undefeated going into his last race.

The old racehorse goes over to the young racehorse and says "Hey, you're a really fast runner. Y...

What did Cinderella say when the chemist lost her photographs

Someday my prints will come

What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer?

By selling your camera.

What’s the difference between an Englishman and a photograph?

The photograph is fully developed!

A 3D Artist was commissioned to make a virtual replica of Rio De Janeiro, Brazil...

He took a look at photographs, saw that giant Jesus statue, and exclaimed, "Wow; what amateurs! They didn't even texture him, and rendered him in T-pose!"

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Did you know if you photograph your butt the picture will never come out blurry?

Hindsight is always 20/20.

A quick and easy way to make money is to sell photographs of salmon dressed up in tuxedoes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

A photographer goes to a haunted castle

A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween.

The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot.

The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.
...

What's the name of an Asian photographer?

Phil Ming

My buddy was telling about his new hobby of photographing Salmon in different outfits.

Apparently it's just like shooting fish in apparel.

Why don't racist people take photographs in old cameras?

'Cause they appear in black and white.

Comrade Khrushchev goes to a pig farm and he is photographed there.

In the village newspaper office, there was a heated discussion about how to caption the photograph. “Pigs and Comrade Khrushchev”? “Comrade Khrushchev Among Pigs”? None will do. The editor finally makes a decision: “Third From Left: Comrade Khrushchev.”

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a photographer.

But it didn't develop.

Did you hear about the photographer who ran out of subjects?

He shot himself.

As a photographer, I have decorated my wall with all the animals I have shot.

I keep them next to my framed contract with the butcher

What do snipers and photographers have in common?

They get paid to take headshots.

Why photographers make the best girlfriends?

They like when you shoot raw.

Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?

He couldn't focus on the negatives.

What is the best quality to use when photographing forks?

4K

I got an email from my girlfriend. It said, "Can you send me a photograph of my best body part?"

So I emailed her back.

Why were photographers so depressed before digital cameras were invented?

They spent too long processing the negatives.

She fell in love with...

She fell in love with an electrician, and she got shocked.

She fell in love with an artist, and things got sketchy.

She fell in love with a musician, and she got played.

She fell in love with a photographer...

What does a Terrorist Photographer do?

Photobomb

Two weeks ago I got a job in a photographers dark room.

After an initial negative review, today my boss told me my talent is developing.

What did the shirt say to the pants?

What up britches!





(At a photography studio today, taking an extended family picture with like 15 people there. This is what the photographer said to get us to smile. I couldn't stop laughing, and was beet red. We had to wait for me to calm down. I'm a middle age married ma...

I have a photographic memory.

But its a Polaroid instant camera from the 80's.

A girl has to get her picture taken for school.

She has her mom buy her some new clothes so she'll look nice. At one point she asks for new shoes. Her mom says "nobody will be able to see your shoes in the picture". The girl points at the notice and says "it says RIGHT HERE that they will be photographing the entire student body!"

A photographer had his lens fall off his camera

He was fined for indecent exposure.

Why are photographers always so depressed?

Because they don’t do anything all day but focus on the negatives.

My neighbors, the Razzis, have more family photographs hanging from their wall than anyone I know.

Thanks to their Dad.

Papa Razzi.

Popeye was a really good photographer, Because he was

“Popeye DSLR man!”

People who like being photographed in natural light..

..should be taken outside and shot.

Did you hear about that photographer that got locked in his dark room?

By the time they found the body he'd died of exposure.

A bunch of Chinese people come to a photographer for passport photos...

The photographer saw the enormous work to guide each of the 50 people and told to himself:

-Well, they all look the same, I will do just one photo and will send a copy to each one. They wouldn't notice.

So, he did it and sent a copy to each one of them. The next day, a Chinese guy com...

Tried to take a photograph of some fog

Mist

Why did the photographer fail his test?

Because he couldn't FOCUS

Being married to a photographer is depressing...

...they're always looking at the negatives.

Why did the Photographer kill himself?

A. He had a problem with perspective

My grandfather was a medical photographer who specialized in documenting infectious diseases. It's a miracle he survived well into his 80s...

Over the years, he told me he developed malaria, dengue, tuberculosis and dozens of unknown rashes.

I'm having trouble focusing on my work

said the bigfoot photographer.

What's the difference between young girls and photographs?

After putting them in a dark room, you have to wait for the photograph to fully develop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inspired by some of my favorite subs like r/earthporn and r/roomporn, I decided to start a sub built around the most beautiful thing I’ve ever photographed.

Now my main account has been banned and the FBI is at my door to ask me about r/newbornporn. I think I could be in some trouble here.

I have a Photographic memory

Unfortunately it's digital and it didn't come with a memory card.

I was the photographer at a vegan wedding this weekend

They kept getting mad when I told them to say cheese.

I dream of becoming a selfie photographer..

I can just picture myself doing it.

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A professional photographer with a 10' penis was caught revealing himself to passers by on a busy high street yesterday

He's been arrested and charged for the long exposure.

As the photographer snapped pictures, I posed provocatively and gave my most sultry looks to the camera, even grabbing my crotch for effect! I felt wild and sensual and free...

I went over to the computer to see the results, as I was keen to see if they had captured the essence of my being.

"I guess so." growled the officer. "Now let's go stand for the police lineup and then we'll be done here."

Confessional box joke, v funny pls do read

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photog...

What do you call an egyptian god with a photographic memory?

Cam-Ra

What does an arctic wildlife photographer get from sitting around too long?

Polaroids.

^I ^know, ^that ^was ^god ^awful.

My friend's dad is a war photographer, but with a twist.

He goes into battlefields after the shooting's stopped and takes pictures of the aftermath.

The newspaper he works for got him a contract to take photos in Iraq. Well, this was just after the war broke out, and he couldn't just fly into the country, not while there was a war. So he flew into...

Why do some photographers have such short attention spans?

Becuse they have a 80D

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...

A photographer and a sniper meet in a bar.

Neither is aware of the other's occupation.
They talk about "how to take the perfect shot."
[A college student shows up, slams back both of their drinks and says "Thats how you take a shot!" ](#s)

Why are photographers good problem solvers?

They have a knack at looking at things from a different perspective.

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Why do porn photographers never get nervous?

They always picture everyone in the room naked.
Sorry if this is a repost, I've never heard it here before:)

When I was a kid I used to think I had a photographic memory.

All of my memories were blurred and cut off at the neck.

It was an amateur photographic memory.

I have a photographic memory

I'm still developing it though.

Did you hear about the water thief-turned-photographer?

Apparently he was a great pitcher-taker.

(Credit goes to my husband.)

The photographers of previous generations had it tough.

No matter how hard they tried, they always developed a negative image.

I was an ISIS photographer for a while but got fired due to the way I was setting up the shots...

They said I kept cutting the heads off people.

What does a church photographer and Stephen Paddock have in common?

They're both mass shooters.

What did the photographer say when he retired?

"I can't take it anymore!"

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What’s the difference joke.

What’s the difference between a cat and a pornstar.
None I photograph them both in different positions to make it more interesting.

Why couldn't the photographer see straight?

He took too many shots.

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One summers day, a group of young girls decide to go swimming...

One summers day, a group of girls decide to go swimming rather than class. Instead of the more popular spots, the friends choose a discreet little pond on the far side of the lake. Sure, its privately owned but they're unlikely to be discovered there.

When the young ladies get to the pond, t...

I'm working on a script about a mobster who attempts to reinvent himself as a professional photographer. I'm gonna call it...

*The Selfie Made Man.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting at home when he gets a knock on the door from a police officer…

The officer asks the man if he is married, and the man replies “yes, I am.”

He then asks the man if he has a recent photograph of his wife. The man tells the officer to hold on one moment while he pulls out his phone to show him a picture of her.

The officer takes one look at the photo...

Drew is a security guard, and he has just been brought on to the team of up-and-coming British Pop Star, Chris "Anthem" Williamson.

Today is Drew's first day working with his new team. He meets with Finley, Chris's Stage Manager, to go over what he needs to know for the next gig.

Towards the end of his orientation, Finley tells Drew, "Lastly, Chris a bit of an eccentric fellow. He does NOT like to be disturbed when he's ...

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