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Photograph Jokes

I’m trying to get a photographic memory

But its still developing.

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

I got a bad grade in photography class

I had trouble focusing

I used to be a forklift operator

…but there were way too many ups and downs for me.

So I got a job for a while resurfacing ice rinks, although I never really warmed to it.

I got some work fixing clocks that were running slowly, but I found the hours were just too long.

And when I tried my hand at being a baker...

Giorgio, the Italian immigrant...

(long) ...came to the US back in the 1960s before digital photos, cell phones, or computers. He wanted to get a professional photo taken to be sent to his mamma in Italy to show her how well he was doing.

The photographer said he would be at Giorgio’s home at 11:00. But, Giorgio understood 1:...

I’m looking for jokes that you have to work out. My favourite is the one in the below, which was posted here by another user. Does anyone else have any similar ones that you have to think about before finding the funny?

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

focus

Two poor country girls are broke and decide to do some nude modeling. Cherylynn has posed for the photographer before so she knows the process.

The photog invites them into his studio and offers them a drink. Darlene,being nervous, asks Cherylynn "whass that there in that jug?". The reply is ...

Austrian humor

*One time back in the 1980s when I was living in Austria, a bunch of us went out for a beer. During the chit-chat, an American friend of mine named Margie insisted that Austrian jokes weren't funny. Her (Austrian) boyfriend Werner disagreed. Margie said, "Well, tell that mouse joke of yours." Werner...

Q. Why were photographs so depressing before digital cameras were invented?

A. Because they spent too much time processing the negatives.

Two Swedish models, Astrid and Ebba, are at a photoshoot

The photographer takes a few shots, takes a minute to switch to a different lens, spends some time adjusting the camera to the new lens, and then resumes.

After he's repeated this process a few times, Astrid gets visibly frustrated with the continual delays to the shoot. She turns to Ebba and...

I'd like to rent a pueblo style building and open a business selling photographic prints.

It will be called: Adobe Photo Shop

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

Photos

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera."

He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said "That was a really del...

Pilot

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it w...

Everyone has a photographic memory.

Some people just don’t have film.

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

Girls hate it when I suddenly send them photographs of parasites

Turns out, no one wants unsolicited tick pics

Are people born with a photographic memory....

....or does it take time to develop ?

The Dangerous Pilot

A professional photographer is assigned to cover some of the wildfires that have been rampaging across a national park. His editor tells him to try to get some closeups of the fire fighters that are battling the wildfires.

When he gets to the forest, the photographer discovers thick smoke wh...

Dear Sir, On behalf of Channel Four may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show

Also the charming photograph you enclosed. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt".

Kind regards
Channel Four.

What does a photographer have in common with an art thief?

The both take pictures.

Hilda and Olga

are models doing a photo-shoot.

The photographer changes lenses for like the tenth time.

Hilda says "Why does he keep changing the lens?"

Olga says "He wants to focus."

Hilda says "Okay but first we must take the photos, Ja?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

Why the fuck are you morons spending real money on Reddit awards? Fucking STOP it. Reddit admins do NOT deserve any kind of money at all. The just banned 200 odd subreddits - and you fucking halfwits want to reward them for it.

Fuck's sake.

How do you seduce a photographer?

Turn off the lights and see if anything develops.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a professional photographer take pictures of me wiping my butt.

I always wanted to be a roll model.

Trump visits a pig farm.

Trump visited a pig farm and was photographed there. In a newspaper's office, a discussion is under way what should be the caption under the picture.

"President Trump among pigs," "President Trump and pigs," "Pigs around President Trump," -- all is rejected.

Finally the editor makes t...

Apprehended

A mild-mannered man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating wom...

The Photographer.

A Los Angeles agent representing a wealthy photographer called and asked to speak to his client.

"Brittany, I have some good news and I have some bad news."


The photographer replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."


The ...

I have a photographic memory...

I need to take a photograph to remember anything.

A Photographer was killed on the job.

His photography subjects tried to warn him but apparently a giant wheel of coagulated milk crushed him.

An unemployed guy sees an ad in the paper that says "Photographer wanted for Miami-based luxury bikini line". Thinking it to be a joke, the guy calls the number in the ad.

"Hello," he says. "Is that photographer ad a joke?"

"No," says the voice on the other line. "One of our photographers died suddenly last week, and we're looking for a new one."

"Cool! I've been looking for a new job for a while, and this seems like it could be a very fine job for me."<...

Tried to photograph formica spraying acid

But they wood-ant cooperate

I handed my wife a picture of a $50,000 Birkin designer handbag. "This is what I'm getting you for our anniversary!" She was so happy she started crying.

Who knew a simple photograph would mean so much to her?

She fell in love with...

She fell in love with an electrician, and she got shocked.

She fell in love with an artist, and things got sketchy.

She fell in love with a musician, and she got played.

She fell in love with a photographer...

A friend of mine got into photographing salmon in different clothing

He said he liked shooting fish in apparel

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

Why are photographers less skilled than they used to be?

They're not developing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Horse Joke (long)

So there are two racehorses.

A young racehorse and an old racehorse.

The young racehorse is about to run his first race and the old racehorse is undefeated going into his last race.

The old racehorse goes over to the young racehorse and says "Hey, you're a really fast runner. Y...

What did the shirt say to the pants?

What up britches!





(At a photography studio today, taking an extended family picture with like 15 people there. This is what the photographer said to get us to smile. I couldn't stop laughing, and was beet red. We had to wait for me to calm down. I'm a middle age married ma...

Confessional box joke, v funny pls do read

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photog...

She was only a photographers daughter

But she was extremely well developed

I applied for a job as a Photographer

Despite a negative interview, the boss told me that he can develop my talent in the dark room.

Photographers are so violent.

They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.

A girl has to get her picture taken for school.

She has her mom buy her some new clothes so she'll look nice. At one point she asks for new shoes. Her mom says "nobody will be able to see your shoes in the picture". The girl points at the notice and says "it says RIGHT HERE that they will be photographing the entire student body!"

What kind of equipment did the the pirate's photographers use?

Cannons

A 3D Artist was commissioned to make a virtual replica of Rio De Janeiro, Brazil...

He took a look at photographs, saw that giant Jesus statue, and exclaimed, "Wow; what amateurs! They didn't even texture him, and rendered him in T-pose!"

My wife was photographing some superheroes last night. I suggested to her to turn the flash on...

...turns out, he really enjoys a lap dance.

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...

I'm having trouble focusing on my work

said the bigfoot photographer.

What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer?

By selling your camera.

Why was the bad photographer arrested?

Indecent exposure

A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

When trying to take a group photo, a giant wheel of cheddar rolled over and crushed him.

Witnesses said people did try to warn him.

A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him.

All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail.

You might have read about nature photographers disguising their cameras as herd animals to photograph lions...

Don't believe it.

Fake Gnus

What type of image formats do lion photographers use?

RAWR

A man took a dark photograph and was arrested

He was charged with indecent exposure

I found a dead man's photograph on the ground

Someone shot it

I met a guy who could remember every breast he’d ever seen

He had photographic mammary

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The Pope was having a shower,

and although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions.


Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.


"Hol...

An American photographer on vacation.

An American photographer on vacation was inside Westminster Abbey taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The ...

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What’s the difference joke.

What’s the difference between a cat and a pornstar.
None I photograph them both in different positions to make it more interesting.

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One summers day, a group of young girls decide to go swimming...

One summers day, a group of girls decide to go swimming rather than class. Instead of the more popular spots, the friends choose a discreet little pond on the far side of the lake. Sure, its privately owned but they're unlikely to be discovered there.

When the young ladies get to the pond, t...

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I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse".

When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror.

And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"

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Somebody told my g/f it was sexy to bite her lip posing for photographs....

I still haven't found the courage to tell her its the bottom lip you bite......





(you just tried to bite your upper lip)

Never purchase jewelry based off of a photograph

It makes you look 2D pendant

My buddy was telling about his new hobby of photographing Salmon in different outfits.

Apparently it's just like shooting fish in apparel.

Did you hear about the photographer who ran out of subjects?

He shot himself.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words...

which of course explains why so many photographers are broke.

Two photographers are walking down a street.

One of them trips and fall onto the ground.
The second one immediately falls down next to him and says: “Excellent angle! What are we shooting?”

Shot a family in their home last night.

Being a photographer is such an easy job!

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A man is sitting at home when he gets a knock on the door from a police officer…

The officer asks the man if he is married, and the man replies “yes, I am.”

He then asks the man if he has a recent photograph of his wife. The man tells the officer to hold on one moment while he pulls out his phone to show him a picture of her.

The officer takes one look at the photo...

Did you hear about the guy who shot his wife, hung his children, and framed the dog?

They really are nice photographs.

I asked my photographer friend which pose was the best for selfies...

...he said, "It doesn't really matter. Just take your pic."

What problem does the Eskimo photographer struggle with because he has a terrible habit of sitting all day on a slab of ice, waiting for his film to develop?

Polaroids

Why can't anyone photograph grizzlies wearing shoes or socks?

Because they have bear feet

What did Cinderella say when the chemist lost her photographs

Someday my prints will come

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.

Please keep your photo and return the others.”

A quick and easy way to make money is to sell photographs of salmon dressed up in tuxedoes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

What's the name of an Asian photographer?

Phil Ming

Twins celebrating their 102nd Birthday (Long)

The editor of a local paper hears about these two twins in the retirement home Harriet and Hazel who is celebrating their 102nd Birthday. He needs a feel-good story for filler so he sends down a photographer to snap some pictures.

He gets there and asks the twins if he can take their picture...

Students at a high school in Georgia were suspended for posting photographs of their crowded hallways.

The administration was worried about the wrong thing going viral.

A photographer was badly hurt this morning when a huge block of cheese fell on him.

Everyone posing for the wedding party picture had tried to warn him.

Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?

He couldn't focus on the negatives.

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There once was a country with strict population growth rules.

The population was so low, the government had enacted a law that required all couples to have children within 5 years of their marriage. Should a couple fail to produce a child during this period, a government official would be sent to "get the job done".

Such was the situation of a couple, w...

What do snipers and photographers have in common?

They get paid to take headshots.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a photographer.

But it didn't develop.

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How do you know you have reached quarantine insanity?

When you look at old photographs and videos and get pissed because nobody is wearing masks.

You should send picture of your ex to NASA.

Apparently they are desperate to get a photograph of A hole that sucks all your time, light and energy.

Why don't racist people take photographs in old cameras?

'Cause they appear in black and white.

A teacher shows the class a picture of a tomcat...

A teacher puts a photograph of a Tomcat on the blackboard and proceeds to ask the class

“Can you tell me how the tail is attached to the cat?”

Little Mary has the first attempt and answers,

“By fur Miss?”

The teacher replies

“Not quite right Mary, but a good try.”<...

A photographer goes to a haunted castle

A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween.

The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot.

The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.
...

A photographer had his lens fall off his camera

He was fined for indecent exposure.

Why photographers make the best girlfriends?

They like when you shoot raw.

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Japanese scientist have created a camera.

It has such an immense shutter speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

Two weeks ago I got a job in a photographers dark room.

After an initial negative review, today my boss told me my talent is developing.

People who like being photographed in natural light..

..should be taken outside and shot.

A police captain is quizzing three new trainees.

He shows a photograph of a man to the first trainee. "This is your suspect," he says. "How do you identify him?"

The trainee replies "Simple. He's only got one eye!"

"You idiot!" the captain scolds. "That's because you're looking at a picture from the side of his face! He moves onto th...

What does a Terrorist Photographer do?

Photobomb

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A man is on his death bed...

His wife is holding his hand while he struggles with his breathing. On the table is a photograph of five strapping young lads and one very scrawny young man. He looks at the photo and tries to speak.

"Martha, how did it happen? My five strong boys winning competitions, chopping wood, marrying...

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A Female Journalist Ventures Into A Village

A female journalist ventures into a village in a faraway land, away from all modern civilization, to write a story about the people that lives there.

When she gets into the village, the villagers give her a warm welcome, tell her that she can talks to anyone and photographs anything that she ...

When I was younger I wanted to become a pirate!

Now I am a photographer, because every pirate has to own a Canon.

What’s the best Ancient Greek landmark to photograph?

Delphi, because it’s always in Phocis.

What is the best quality to use when photographing forks?

4K

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A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for arsenic.

The pharmacist then asks what she needs it for, to which she replies: "I want to use it to poison my husband. The pharmacist says "Ma'am, I can not give you arsenic for that reason." The woman then pulls a photograph from her purse and hands it to him. It was a picture of two people having sex; the ...

As a photographer, I have decorated my wall with all the animals I have shot.

I keep them next to my framed contract with the butcher

Did you hear about the bartender who almost got crushed to death at an Irish wedding?

The photographer told all the men to stand next to the one person who made their life worth living.

Astronauts release a photo of Hurricane Harvey...

Astronauts released a photo of Hurricane Harvey as seen from the the International Space Station. They sent a short message along with the photograph; "Houston, you have a problem."

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A soldier’s wife sends him.......

....a nude photograph of herself with both legs wide open.

She adds the message, “Love, I’ll wait for you like this till you return.”

Soldier: “Oh, that’s nice but who took that photo?”

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A family on vacation arrives at the Grand Canyon early in the morning to watch the sun rise

The father insisted on getting away from tourists so he drove to an isolated area where they would have the view to themselves. No one else is around so they decide to take turns being photographer so everyone can get in one picture. The son offers to go first. "Ok everyone back up just a bit so I c...

I have a photographic memory.

But its a Polaroid instant camera from the 80's.

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A lion was chasing Uncle in Africa

A Uncle was trying to impress his nephew

Uncle: You know, when I was traveling in African Savannah alone, I went close to a sleeping lion to photograph him.

Nephew: What happened next?

Uncle: The lion suddenly wakes up, and start chasing me.

Nephew: Wow, what happened ...

Being married to a photographer is depressing...

...they're always looking at the negatives.

Why are photographers always so depressed?

Because they don’t do anything all day but focus on the negatives.

Popeye was a really good photographer, Because he was

“Popeye DSLR man!”

A bunch of Chinese people come to a photographer for passport photos...

The photographer saw the enormous work to guide each of the 50 people and told to himself:

-Well, they all look the same, I will do just one photo and will send a copy to each one. They wouldn't notice.

So, he did it and sent a copy to each one of them. The next day, a Chinese guy com...

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Job Profile

The CEO during a site visit to the office asks a young Manager "Yes smarty, What do you do?"

Manager (calmly) : "Sir, I'm the Sexual Advisor to the VP."

Pin drop silence ensues, photographer stops taking pictures, all others stop working and start looking around.

The CEO looks ...

Did you hear about that photographer that got locked in his dark room?

By the time they found the body he'd died of exposure.

Whenever I see a man with a beard, moustache and glasses, I think

"There’s a man who has taken every precaution to avoid people doodling on photographs of him."

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An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.

No one can see the piece before it is completed.

Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a m...

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