You might have read about nature photographers disguising their cameras as herd animals to photograph lions...

Don't believe it.

Fake Gnus

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him

To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him

I have a photograph of me and the lead singer of REM ....

That's me in the corner and that's him in the spotlight.

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Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

Why the fuck are you morons spending real money on Reddit awards? Fucking STOP it. Reddit admins do NOT deserve any kind of money at all. The just banned 200 odd subreddits - and you fucking halfwits want to reward them for it.

Fuck's sake.

A man took a dark photograph and was arrested

He was charged with indecent exposure

A woman whose husband was a photographer was quite used to him returning home late almost every day.

On asked why, he'd reply, "I had to shoot a car crash" or "I had to shoot a football game" or something similar. A friend decided to pay her a visit once. On asking how late her husband would be, she replied, not intending to shock her, "I don't know... He's gone to shoot the President."

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

I found a dead man's photograph on the ground

Someone shot it

What type of image formats do lion photographers use?

RAWR

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Somebody told my g/f it was sexy to bite her lip posing for photographs....

I still haven't found the courage to tell her its the bottom lip you bite......





(you just tried to bite your upper lip)

What did the shirt say to the pants?

What up britches!





(At a photography studio today, taking an extended family picture with like 15 people there. This is what the photographer said to get us to smile. I couldn't stop laughing, and was beet red. We had to wait for me to calm down. I'm a middle age married ma...

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

What did Cinderella say when the chemist lost her photographs

Someday my prints will come

His request approved, the news photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’. The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in t...

I'm having trouble focusing on my work

said the bigfoot photographer.

A wedding photographer was tragically killed today when a 250lb wheel of cheese fell off the catering lorry and crushed him.

All the guests tried frantically to warn him, but to no avail.

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I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse".

When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror.

And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"

A photographer was on vacation

A photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that
read '€10,000 per call'.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it w...

I asked my photographer friend which pose was the best for selfies...

...he said, "It doesn't really matter. Just take your pic."

Never purchase jewelry based off of a photograph

It makes you look 2D pendant

What problem does the Eskimo photographer struggle with because he has a terrible habit of sitting all day on a slab of ice, waiting for his film to develop?

Polaroids

Two photographers are walking down a street.

One of them trips and fall onto the ground.
The second one immediately falls down next to him and says: “Excellent angle! What are we shooting?”

Students at a high school in Georgia were suspended for posting photographs of their crowded hallways.

The administration was worried about the wrong thing going viral.

She fell in love with...

She fell in love with an electrician, and she got shocked.

She fell in love with an artist, and things got sketchy.

She fell in love with a musician, and she got played.

She fell in love with a photographer...

A quick and easy way to make money is to sell photographs of salmon dressed up in tuxedoes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

When trying to take a group photo, a giant wheel of cheddar rolled over and crushed him.

Witnesses said people did try to warn him.

What’s the best Ancient Greek landmark to photograph?

Delphi, because it’s always in Phocis.

Why don't racist people take photographs in old cameras?

'Cause they appear in black and white.

Why can't anyone photograph grizzlies wearing shoes or socks?

Because they have bear feet

Are people born with photographic memories,

or does it take time to develop?

The Photographer

>A Los Angeles agent representing a wealthy photographer called and asked to speak to his client. "Brittany, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
>
>The photographer replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
> ...

A photographer goes to a haunted castle

A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost on Halloween.

The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot.

The happy photographer later downloads his photos and finds that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.
...

A photographer was badly hurt this morning when a huge block of cheese fell on him.

Everyone posing for the wedding party picture had tried to warn him.

Comrade Khrushchev goes to a pig farm and he is photographed there.

In the village newspaper office, there was a heated discussion about how to caption the photograph. “Pigs and Comrade Khrushchev”? “Comrade Khrushchev Among Pigs”? None will do. The editor finally makes a decision: “Third From Left: Comrade Khrushchev.”

As a photographer, I have decorated my wall with all the animals I have shot.

I keep them next to my framed contract with the butcher

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.

Please keep your photo and return the others.”

Photographers are so violent.

They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.

Confessional box joke, v funny pls do read

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photog...

What's the name of an Asian photographer?

Phil Ming

My buddy was telling about his new hobby of photographing Salmon in different outfits.

Apparently it's just like shooting fish in apparel.

My neighbors, the Razzis, have more family photographs hanging from their wall than anyone I know.

Thanks to their Dad.

Papa Razzi.

What's the fastest way to earn money as a photographer?

By selling your camera.

Why photographers make the best girlfriends?

They like when you shoot raw.

What do snipers and photographers have in common?

They get paid to take headshots.

What is the best quality to use when photographing forks?

4K

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Did you know if you photograph your butt the picture will never come out blurry?

Hindsight is always 20/20.

Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?

He couldn't focus on the negatives.

Why were photographers so depressed before digital cameras were invented?

They spent too long processing the negatives.

Did you hear about the photographer who ran out of subjects?

He shot himself.

This guy dropped a photograph on a sidewalk....

And it fell under a woman's skirt. He asked her "can you lift your skirt? I just wanna take a photo"

I have a photographic memory.

But its a Polaroid instant camera from the 80's.

What's the difference between young girls and photographs?

After putting them in a dark room, you have to wait for the photograph to fully develop.

What does a Terrorist Photographer do?

Photobomb

Drew is a security guard, and he has just been brought on to the team of up-and-coming British Pop Star, Chris "Anthem" Williamson.

Today is Drew's first day working with his new team. He meets with Finley, Chris's Stage Manager, to go over what he needs to know for the next gig.

Towards the end of his orientation, Finley tells Drew, "Lastly, Chris a bit of an eccentric fellow. He does NOT like to be disturbed when he's ...

Two weeks ago I got a job in a photographers dark room.

After an initial negative review, today my boss told me my talent is developing.

Why are photographers always so depressed?

Because they don’t do anything all day but focus on the negatives.

Shot a family in their home last night.

Being a photographer is such an easy job!

A photographer had his lens fall off his camera

He was fined for indecent exposure.

Did you hear about that photographer that got locked in his dark room?

By the time they found the body he'd died of exposure.

A bunch of Chinese people come to a photographer for passport photos...

The photographer saw the enormous work to guide each of the 50 people and told to himself:

-Well, they all look the same, I will do just one photo and will send a copy to each one. They wouldn't notice.

So, he did it and sent a copy to each one of them. The next day, a Chinese guy com...

I got an email from my girlfriend. It said, "Can you send me a photograph of my best body part?"

So I emailed her back.

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A man is sitting at home when he gets a knock on the door from a police officer…

The officer asks the man if he is married, and the man replies “yes, I am.”

He then asks the man if he has a recent photograph of his wife. The man tells the officer to hold on one moment while he pulls out his phone to show him a picture of her.

The officer takes one look at the photo...

A photographer hunts down chicken...

Just try to picture that!

Why did the photographer fail his test?

Because he couldn't FOCUS

What do you call an American fish photographer?

A school shooter.

People who like being photographed in natural light..

..should be taken outside and shot.

My grandfather was a medical photographer who specialized in documenting infectious diseases. It's a miracle he survived well into his 80s...

Over the years, he told me he developed malaria, dengue, tuberculosis and dozens of unknown rashes.

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Inspired by some of my favorite subs like r/earthporn and r/roomporn, I decided to start a sub built around the most beautiful thing I’ve ever photographed.

Now my main account has been banned and the FBI is at my door to ask me about r/newbornporn. I think I could be in some trouble here.

Why did the Photographer kill himself?

A. He had a problem with perspective

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What’s the difference joke.

What’s the difference between a cat and a pornstar.
None I photograph them both in different positions to make it more interesting.

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One summers day, a group of young girls decide to go swimming...

One summers day, a group of girls decide to go swimming rather than class. Instead of the more popular spots, the friends choose a discreet little pond on the far side of the lake. Sure, its privately owned but they're unlikely to be discovered there.

When the young ladies get to the pond, t...

I wish I had photographic memory

but it never developed

Ruining a photograph is not difficult.

I can do that with my eyes closed!

Did you hear about the guy who shot his wife, hung his children, and framed the dog?

They really are nice photographs.

A young man stood at the side of the road and hailed a taxi. When he got in, the driver said, "Well, that was perfect timing. You're a lot like Frank." The passenger asks, "Who's Frank?" The taxidriver explains, "Frank Feldman. He also had perfect timing and was always there at just the right time."

"Ok, but nobody's perfect. Everybody makes mistakes once in a while," says the passenger." "No, no, not Frank Feldman!" replies the Taxi driver. "He was great at everything, sports too. If he'd played tennis, he probably would have won Wimbledon. He would have blown pro golfers out of the water as w...

I have a Photographic memory

Unfortunately it's digital and it didn't come with a memory card.

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A professional photographer with a 10' penis was caught revealing himself to passers by on a busy high street yesterday

He's been arrested and charged for the long exposure.

Being married to a photographer is depressing...

...they're always looking at the negatives.

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...

As the photographer snapped pictures, I posed provocatively and gave my most sultry looks to the camera, even grabbing my crotch for effect! I felt wild and sensual and free...

I went over to the computer to see the results, as I was keen to see if they had captured the essence of my being.

"I guess so." growled the officer. "Now let's go stand for the police lineup and then we'll be done here."

Before he passed, my grandfather was a professional photographer.

Oh how I miss good ol papa razzi

A teacher shows the class a picture of a tomcat...

A teacher puts a photograph of a Tomcat on the blackboard and proceeds to ask the class

“Can you tell me how the tail is attached to the cat?”

Little Mary has the first attempt and answers,

“By fur Miss?”

The teacher replies

“Not quite right Mary, but a good try.”<...

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Reacting to fear. [long]

I was gathering information for my psychology thesis and set out to interview people who have been in dangerous situations and find out how they reacted to extreme fear.

After some inquires I'd discovered there was a gentleman in a nearby assisted care facility that had been a wildlife photog...

I dream of becoming a selfie photographer..

I can just picture myself doing it.

I was the photographer at a vegan wedding this weekend

They kept getting mad when I told them to say cheese.

Tried to take a photograph of some fog

Mist

My friend's dad is a war photographer, but with a twist.

He goes into battlefields after the shooting's stopped and takes pictures of the aftermath.

The newspaper he works for got him a contract to take photos in Iraq. Well, this was just after the war broke out, and he couldn't just fly into the country, not while there was a war. So he flew into...

Why do some photographers have such short attention spans?

Becuse they have a 80D

What do you call an egyptian god with a photographic memory?

Cam-Ra

A photographer and a sniper meet in a bar.

Neither is aware of the other's occupation.
They talk about "how to take the perfect shot."
[A college student shows up, slams back both of their drinks and says "Thats how you take a shot!" ](#s)

I used to work in a darkroom developing photographs...

but I quit because there was too much negativity.

I met a guy who could remember every breast he’d ever seen

He had photographic mammary

Why are photographers good problem solvers?

They have a knack at looking at things from a different perspective.

What does an arctic wildlife photographer get from sitting around too long?

Polaroids.

^I ^know, ^that ^was ^god ^awful.

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Why do porn photographers never get nervous?

They always picture everyone in the room naked.
Sorry if this is a repost, I've never heard it here before:)

When I was a kid I used to think I had a photographic memory.

All of my memories were blurred and cut off at the neck.

It was an amateur photographic memory.

I have a photographic memory

I'm still developing it though.

The photographers of previous generations had it tough.

No matter how hard they tried, they always developed a negative image.

What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer?

A loose Canon.

Did you hear about the water thief-turned-photographer?

Apparently he was a great pitcher-taker.

(Credit goes to my husband.)

What does a church photographer and Stephen Paddock have in common?

They're both mass shooters.

I was an ISIS photographer for a while but got fired due to the way I was setting up the shots...

They said I kept cutting the heads off people.

Why couldn't the photographer see straight?

He took too many shots.

What did the photographer say when he retired?

"I can't take it anymore!"

I'm working on a script about a mobster who attempts to reinvent himself as a professional photographer. I'm gonna call it...

*The Selfie Made Man.*

A Photographer Hears About a Ghost Appearance...

It was said to be appearing that night, in an abandoned house. This was said to only happen every one hundred years. So, the photographer packs his equipment and goes to the house. Around midnight, the ghost appears. It turns out to be quite friendly, and consents to have its picture taken. The phot...

A photographer shot his subject with a Canon.

She was blown away.

Why do you never see any Stormtroopers as photographers?

They always miss the shot

Where does a digital photographer hang his work?

On a jpeg.

I once photographed a high school track team practice for the yearbook..

I guess you could call it *timed laps* photography.

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