UPJOKE
notnonimbutthenmperinthematofxorthatthetherein

Um Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach... (Warning: dark humor)

Then this beautiful, voluptuous blonde comes walking by, sees the crippled guy and starts pitying him. So she walks up to him and asks him: “Would you like a kiss?”

The guy looks up and says a bit hesitantly “Um… yes!”

So the woman bends down and the two of them make out for a long whi...

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: A table for 26, please.

Headwaiter: But there's only . . . um, 13 of you.

Jesus: Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side.

So um... where do astronauts get drunk?

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 0

Q W E R T Y U I O P

A S D F G H J K L

Z X C V ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young guy goes into a drug store owned by two spinster sisters.

He awkwardly says to the one lady at the pharmacy counter, "Um, this is embarrassing but I have this condition where about once a day I become incredibly aroused and overcome by the desire to have sex with any woman at all. It's overwhelming! What can you give me for it?"

"Hmm," replied the l...

Boys have a thing and girls don't.

One November afternoon when my daughter was in kindergarten, I picked her up after school. She bobbed out to the car and crawled into the back seat.

"What did you do today?" I asked.

She couldn't wait to tell me. "We learned that boys are different from girls" she chirped.

Looki...

"Um."

--- First horse that got ridden

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were two statues in a park, one of a naked man, and one of a naked woman. They had been facing each other for a hundred years across a pathway, when one day an angel comes down, and with a single gesture brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pati...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years

One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.

Hi...

Mary Poppins was talking to Un and Little Um...

She asked how often they used the word supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Um said he rarely used it. Little Um, who used it all the time said he never used it.

In other words, Um did a little, Little Um did a lie.

A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”.

She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”.

Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Natural...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctors with a lettuce stuck up his arse, doctor was umming and umming, guy says doc what is wrong? Doctor says.

This is only the tip of the iceberg.

I dont mean to brag about my drum jokes but um...

tsss

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Timmy was annoyed by his father

because whenever he was ahead in an argument, his father would just say - Whatever dude, I fucked your mum.

And he couldn't think of a good comeback, so he asked his Uncle Jim for help.

Uncle Jim said - Well, next time he say this to you, you say that I've been deeper in her than he ev...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Dickson had a habit of asking daft questions to his pupils.

One day, he asked his 4th graders if anyone knew how to put 2 holes into 1 hole.



Since no one was able to answer the question, he told the kids to go home and ask their fathers.



Kids came back the next day. No one knew the answer.



"Look," said Mr. Dickson...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl and her mommy go to the beach…

She looks behind a rock where two dogs are fucking and says ”What are they doing Mommy?”
Mommy says “they’re.. um.. they’re making cupcakes!” “Oh!”, the little girl cried.

Later they go to the zoo and see monkeys fucking. “What are they doing Mommy?” Mom says “They’re making cupcakes, Swe...

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

In order to stop accusations of racism, Trump decides to hire a Mexican immigrant

However, he doesn't feel confortable having him as an employee and calls him over in his office.

Juan: "Why you call me, jefe ?"

Trump: "You're fired!"


Juan: "Que ?! Why ?!!"


Trump: "Because....uh... Because you didn't finish high school!"

Juan: "Oh, no pro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand

It's seven

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."


"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"


"Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."


The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact tha...

An IT guy goes to hell

When he gets there the devil begins to explain his everlasting torment. "Down here you will wade in scalding magma, always burning and unable to die. There will be noxious fumes that pour into your lungs, you will always be suffocating but always conscious. You will be whipped and flayed and never r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bear walks into a bar...

The bear says: “I’d like a whiskey and............................coke please.

Bartender says: “Why the big pause?”

Bear replies: “I was born with them.”

Edit:
Thanks for the upvotes! I actually lived this joke right before posting while making dinner for my kids (changed t...

I was going to make a joke about drummers but, um,

tsss!

Um Gwalla gwalla

The state senator was seeking votes for his election campaign for Congress and decided to visit the local Indian reservation. He stood in the large community hall and told the Indians what he would do for them if he was elected.
"I think the time as come when you people deserve to really control ...

A man holding several miniature pigs walks into a bar.

"Hey, barkeep!" he says, struggling to keep control of his quarry. "Any room for me and my friends?"

The bartender smiles and sets down some plastic cups. The man plops his friends inside, but the cups are too small.

"Um...barkeep?" the man says, pulling them out again. The bartender ...

I asked my researcher friend, what would happen if I try to swim in containment pool of a nuclear reactor. He said, "Um, you would die pretty quickly..."

"...from gunshot wounds."

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A law student walks into the bar and orders a beer.

"Um, we dont serve beer".

Slightly miffed, the law student says, "pint of cider then?"

"Yeah, we dont have any cider either".

"Well, you must at least have a glass of fucking wine?" asks the law student, infuriated.

"No sir, we don't. Now please take your seat, the bar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. "I think there's an insect in my coochie!" she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.

They call up the resort's resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.

"Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into yo...

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...

All right, I know one joke. Um, there's a mollusk, see?

And he walks up to a sea, well he doesn't walk up, he swims up. Well, actually the mollusk isn't moving. He's in one place and then the sea cucumber, well they... I mixed up. There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber. None of them were walking, so forget that I... There was this mollusk and he walks up...

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’...

But he hesitated...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

...he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.

"Take this apple."

"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."

"Trust me, try the apple."

The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"

"Yup. Turn it around."

"Wow!...

A British trawler is sailing off the coast of Germany when suddenly the ship starts taking in water.

The ship is sinking fast and the captain immediately gets on the radio to contact the German coast guard.

"Help!" he exclaims, "We're sinking! We're sinking!"

A hesistant voice comes from the radio. "Um...v-vot are you sinking about?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! An...

Married in Heaven?

A very loving couple were on their way to organise their wedding when they had a horrific car crash and died.

When they reached the Pearly Gates they asked St. Peter,
"We were on our way to get married when we arrived here, do you know if it's possible to get married in Heaven?"
"Do yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Weight loss center

Fat guy walks into a radical new weight loss center, that guarantees results.

Receptionist: How many pounds do you want to lose today?
Guy: Today?! Yeah, right, let's say 2.
Receptionist: 1st floor please, room 12, you have 3 hours.

He walks in a large empty room, sees a beauti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Army paratrooper recruits are talking about their first time jumping out of a plane.

FNG 1: How was your first jump today?

FNG 2: Well... I stood in front of the open door looking at the Earth flying by and turned to the Jump Master telling him that I couldn't do it. The JM said if I don't jump then he would fuck me in the ass.

FNG 1: Did you Jump???

FNG 2: A l...

The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.

Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator."

"Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him.

Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!"

"You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said.

Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrat...

Why does Trump want his Whistle Blower to testify?

Clinton’s whistle blower got to testify.

A man is praying to God and asks "God, how is it you created all this in 7 days?"

God replied, "well, you see time is different for you and me. A million years in human time is only a second in time for me. I created everything in 7 days my time, not yours, so the time frame is much greater than interpreted."

"Oh my God, that is ncredible!" the man exclaimed. "So what, lik...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Job Interview

I went in for an interview and was asked "Do you have any special skills?"

I said "I perform under pressure well"

He replied "Can you give me an example?"

I started "Mm ba ba de, Um bum ba de, Um bu bu bum da de."

An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber

Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot.

"Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!"

The bomber pilot replies, "Oh, yeah? Let's see you do this!" and kee...

You won't like me when I'm angry because I always back up my rage with facts and documented sources.

Says the Credible Hulk.

My mum had an argument with me last night.

She told me to stop tickling my little brothers feet.

Her exact words were... "Stop it, wait until he's born"

Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

One turns to the other and says, "Um, I think we got this joke wrong."

Two elderly couples have their weekly meet up at a table in their local park.

They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.

Fred asks Harold "Are you still going to that memory clinic?"

Harold says "Yes, it's been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session"

"What do they do there?" asks ...

During an argument with my wife, she dropped the old "why did you even marry me?" line.

Apparently "Your sister was already taken" was not the right answer.

Men call short women "petite". What do women call short men?

Um, yeh, they don't call.

Source: I'm not a tall man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.

He went through the standard
training, completed the practice jumps from
higher and higher structures, and finally went to
take his first jump from an airplane. The next
day, he called home to his father to tell him the
news.

"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"We...

All the blondes in the world are tired of being portrayed as stupid

... so they decide to prove that they're just as smart as anyone else.

They hold a big conference, and fill up an entire stadium of blondes. People come from miles and miles to be part of this, the stadium is filled, the city outside the stadium is packed, and millions more watch from home as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Get out shep!

Loads of guy's sitting around a table in a pub.

One of them has a fart coming on.

He can't hold it in so tries to do a quiet one, letting only a little squeak out.

A guy looks down at his dog under the table and says quietly "Get out shep"!

The guy thinks "Um? Everybody...

Oops...

A woman on a bus is suddenly overcome with the urge to break wind. She tries to let go a squeaker but instead lets loose a loud, disgusting blast.

The entire bus goes silent, and the embarrassed woman desperately tries to think of something to say to the man sitting next to her.

"Um .....

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.