What do penguins do when they want to hookup?

Net fish and chill

I used to love telling jokes about penguins and ostriches

But it turns out they don't really fly around here

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A penguins car breaks down

Okay so this penguins car breaks down in an area hes unfamiliar with


Penguin gets his car towed to the nearest shop. He asks the mechanic how long it should take. The mechanic says probably a few hours. The penguin asks if there's anything around he can do while he waits


Now, t...

How do Penguins finish a race?

They Pengwin.

A truck driver was transporting 100 penguins from Melbourne to Perth when he breaks down in the middle of the desert...

A mechanic takes a look and tells the truckie that the repair will take at least two days. He knows that the penguins won't survive in the heat for that long so he flags down a passing truck and offers the driver $5000 to take the penguins to the Perth zoo for him.
A few days later the repairs ar...

The medium is the massage...

Last year, I wrote a book on penguins. In retrospect, paper would have been much easier.

A Penguin Farmer Breaks Down

A penguin farmer breaks down on his way to take his penguins to the zoo. A man stops and asks if the farmer needs help. “Yes” he exclaims and offers the man some money to take his penguins to the zoo. The man agrees, hitches the trailer up to his truck, and takes the penguins into town. After about ...

A funny story

A man had a bunch of penguins in his truck, when suddenly a police officer came and asked him what was in the truck, the man said "My penguins," The police said to take the penguins to the zoo.

The next day, the police officer came back asking where the penguins were. The man said, "They're...

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Man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender says about three feet.

Man, "Don't you get any penguins taller than that!"

The bartender says, "Maybe maximum four feet but no taller than that."

.
.
.
.
Man, "Oh shit, in that case, my fear is true.....I just drove over a nun!"

A zookeeper loses his Bible while at work...

... A week later when he's feeding the penguins one of them waddles up to him holding his Bible in its beak.

"Praise God, it's a miracle!" says the delighted zookeeper.

"Not really," says the penguin, "Your name is written on the inside cover."

A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop...

“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”

“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”

The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who noot at him.

“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I nee...

A man with penguins in his car

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots four penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.

He asks the driver, “What’s up with the penguins in the back seat?”

The man in the car says “I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven’...

Why do penguins never get married?

They always get cold feet

How do penguins open windows?

They drink wine

A zookeeper is driving a truck full of penguins to the zoo

His truck breaks down, and the mechanic says it will take most of the day to fix. The zookeeper sees a bus, and say to the bus driver "I'll give you $100 to take my penguins to the zoo."

The bus driver agrees, and the penguins are put on the bus.

Later that afternoon, the truck is fixe...

A truck driver carrying 6 penguins got into an accident

A car driver stop by and ask if everybody is alright.

The truck driver says to the car driver if he could help and take the 6 penguins to the Zoo for him, while he fixes his truck. The car driver more than happy to help, takes the 6 penguins and leave.

Few days later, the t...

Where did Noah put the penguins on the ark?

In the arctic section.

Note: my 7 yr old grand daughter made this up on the spot, after I told her this joke:
Where did Noah put the bees on the ark?
In the archives.

I think she's pretty clever.

Friends are a lot like penguins

If you stab them, they die

This is a joke someone told me called the penguin story

A penguin is driving down the road when he hears a weird sound coming from his car so he starts looking around for a mechanic shop. Eventually he finds one and pulls his car in to the parking lot. He goes to the lobby where the mechanic is. The mechanic looks at the penguin and says “Mr. penguin wha...

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The telephone at the antarctic research station is ringing.

A male voice on the other end of the line:

"Are their five-foot penguins?"

"No."

"Fuck. Then I just ran over a nun.

A guy’s driving down the road when he sees three penguins on the side of the road.

He looks around and doesn’t see anyone around so he stops and picks them up. He’s driving down the road when a cop pulls him over. The cop looks in the car and sees the three penguins sitting on the front seat. He exclaims, “You’ve got three penguins in your car!”

The guy replies, I know! I j...

5 penguins in the back seat

Guy pulls up to a gas station, and the attendant notices there are 5 penguins in the back seat. Attendant says, "wtf - you have 5 penguins in your back seat."

"I KNOW!" the guy says, "They jumped in at the light, and now I don't know what to do."

Attendant thinks for a second and says,...

Why can’t polar bears eat penguins?

They can’t get the wrappers off them...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know penguins scream during sex?

Maybe not all of them?
But definitely the one I cornered at the zoo.

Santa thinks I'm naughty. Penguins think I'm nice.

I think I'm bipolar.

I met a kid who loved everything black and white. He adored penguins, pandas, and Mickey mouse

I dont get why I'm not allowed to hang out with him anymore. All I asked is if he likes michael jackson.

Why dont you ever see penguins in Great Britain?

Because theyre scared of Wales

What is a penguins favorite chewing gum?

Ice breakers, Hi my name (insert your name here)

A penguin walks into an airport...

A TSA officer stops him and says "Penguins can't fly."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there was a polar bear named Jerry.

Jerry hated living at the north pole and constantly bitched about it to the other polar bears.

“It’s too fucking cold here” he said. “The water is all frozen, there’s nothing to eat but penguins and I’m constantly covered in fucking snow”.

The other polar bears rolled their eyes and ...

A man is driving down the road when he sees flashing lights up ahead.

It transpires a lorry load of penguins has turned over. The police are frantically trying to herd the penguins off the road to safety.

As he arrives at the scene he sees an officer with a penguin under each arm. He rolls down the window and says, "Officer is there anything I can do to help?" ...

There is a penguin driving through the desert...

when his A/C suddenly stops working. So he decides to stop at the next town. He pulls into a mechanic's garage and tells him the situation. He asks if there is anywhere he can go to cool down while waiting. The mechanic tells the penguin about a grocery store across the street, with a frozen food s...

What's the difference between a white penguin and a black penguin?

White penguins are walking towards you and black ones are walking away.

A cop pulled a truck driver over who was driving around with a truck full of penguins

"You can't keep these penguins in your truck!" The cop said "You need to take them to the zoo!"
The truck driver promised to take the penguins to the zoo immediately and drove of.
The next day the cop pulled the same truck driver over. The truck was still full of penguins.
"Didn't I tell yo...

Why don’t penguins get legally married?

Because they’re animals and have no concept of marriage.

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