Wanna here a joke about Vikings?

Never mind, there’s Norway you’d laugh at it.
- my sister

How do viking ships communicate with each other?

Norse code

I'm gonna keep making these jokes until one blows up

One night, a viking named Rudolf the Red was looking out the window when he said, "it's going to rain"

His wife asked, "how do you know?“

>!"Because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear"!<

What does vikings call english villages?

Chopping centers.

my daughter made this gem up: what is the most popular console with the vikings?

the axe-box

Where do southern viking descendants go after death?

Y'allhalla

What stories did Vikings tell their children?

Norsery Rhymes

The Pope, the Packers & the Vikings

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man wearing a Green Bay Packer jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the ja...

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A Knight, a Samurai, and a Viking are lost in a desert.

They see someone in the distance, and as they draw closer, they realise it's a buck naked woman in a crusader's helmet with a samurai sword on her back.

The knight exclaims, "Look at her helm. Surely she is of my people! "

The samurai says "Nay! See the sword. She is obviously from Ja...

What is a vegan Viking called?

A Norvegan

A Viking is arguing with his wife.

"It's definitely hail," says Gertha.

"No, it's rain!" says Rudolf.

"No, it's round and hard, it's hail!" She retorts.

Getting very flustered now, Rudolf shouts "Look! Rudolf the Red knows rain,
dear!"

Where does a viking keep their baby?

In the norsery

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

How did Vikings communicate over long distances?

Norse code.

Sorry everyone!

What are the Vikings favorite drink?

Mini Sodas

How do Vikings get each other's attention?

They ValHolla!

What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?

"I'm in it for the longhall."

A Viking explorer came home to find his name removed from the town register. When his wife complained, the chief apologized and said,

“I must have taken Lief off my census.”

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A group of 100 people dressed up as Vikings, promoting the new exhibition at the Smithsonian, was seen parading in front of the White House today.

Famously uncivilised, destructive and rapacious, with an almost insatiable appetite for rough sex and heavy drinking, the US Senators nonetheless came out to watch the parade.

Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?

Vowel-halla

What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?

A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.

What does a Viking call his truck?

A Fjord

What do you call a serious of dots and dashes that Vikings used to communicate with?

Norse Code

A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...

" Oh no iv runed it"

Where do redneck vikings go when they die?

Y'allhalla

Why did the viking buy an old boat ?

He couldn't a fjord a new one

A Viking by the name of Rudolph the Red looked out his window.

He turns to his wife and says, Bring the little ones inside, it looks like its going to be a wet day. His wife says “why do you say that” he looks at her and says
“Because Rudolph the red Knows Rain Dear”

(Merry Christmas You Filthy Animals)

Benny the Bare Faced Viking

Benny was your typical Viking..
Strong, tall, courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one..
See Benny couldn't grow a beard, for all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.
This bothered Benny, because when he was out pillag...

If a Viking is reincarnated

Is he Bjorn again?

Vikings aren't afraid of death.

... they know they'll be Bjørn again.

The Minnesota Vikings walk into a bar

To watch the Super Bowl

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, and go to Hell.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust ha...

[OC] My friends and I are starting a disco group. We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.

We call ourselves... The Pillage People.

Where do Vikings go when they get old?

The Norsing home

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The Viking's Talent

A man sees a poster advertising a circus that says:

"World sensation: A viking cuts a walnut in half with his penis!"

He doesn't believe this, so he buys a ticket, goes to the show and there really is a viking who puts a walnut on the table, unzips his pants, pulls out his manhood ...

My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death

"Jokes on you" I said "if I die in battle I'll go straight to Valhalla"

What do the Minnesota Vikings and a car in the junk yard have in common?

Neither one has a title

What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?

It's either my way or Norway!

Why can’t the Minnesota Vikings eat cereal for breakfast?

They choke when they get too close to a bowl.

A barista, a viking, and a veterinarian are getting dinner together.

The topic of vacation comes up and the barista says, "I don't have a lot saved up, so I think I'm going to stick around town this year and just take it easy."

The viking chimes in, "I'm going to take my ship out with my mates and raid the lands to the south." The other two look a bit shocked....

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying…..

"I must have taken Leif off my census."

Why were the Vikings such good sailors?

You can lead a Norse to water but you can’t make him sink.

How was the viking party?

Pretty Loki.

What type of cars do Vikings drive?

Fjords...

There was once a viking who believed in reincarnation.

He was hoping that after dying he'd be Bjorn again.

What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?

Barberians.

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Hagan pissed off everyone in his Viking village.

Hagan pissed off everyone in his Viking village. One day, the villagers were fed up with his rotten behavior. They grabbed their pitchforks and sickles and ran up the hill to kill the bastard. They get to his house but it’s all locked up. They try peeking in the windows but can’t see a thing. T...

Viking warlord Rudolph the Red is awoken suddenly in the night.

Opening his eyes, he turns over to look out his window. A loud pattering sound fills his hut. “What is that?” asks Rudolph’s wife.

Rudolph gets out of bed to get a closer look outside. After a few seconds of observation, he comes to a conclusion. “It’s raining,” he informs his wife. Sleepily...

What do you call a viking who's been bit by a vampire?

Norseferatu

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The Vikings were the ones that took it upon themselves to spread sexual education to the world around them

*Even if it had to be mandatory*




Which kinda made it a constant pain in the ass

What did the Viking say when hanging out his laundry?

"Today is a good day to dry."

How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?

With a Nor-Ouija board.

A Viking’s Wisdom

There was once a great Viking warrior named Rudolph the Red. He was known far and wide for his wisdom and experience.

One day while enjoying his morning coffee with his wife he stared out the window. He then turned to his wife and said “It looks like a storm is coming.”
“How can you be sur...

What is a Viking's favorite music?

Ragnarock

Why couldn't women be vikings?

Because they only made mail armour.

Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?

Because of their skills in hacking

It takes a village to raise a child

It takes a Viking to raze a village

In the old days Vikings went raiding for gold and women...

In the old days Vikings went raiding for gold and women.

Many were the countries where they landed and from each ‘visit’, they always brought back gold and women...until the day they landed in England.

From England they only brought back the gold.

Minnesota Vikings lost their QB to a season ending knee injury.

But that's just Water under the Bridge now.

I don't understand why the Lions and Vikings get to play on thanksgiving.

Shouldn’t the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium?

TIL: Norwegian women are so hot, because vikings only took the most beautiful women as prisoners.

Gotcha ?

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The Viking God Thor comes to Earth...

and spends all weekend shagging a woman with a harelip. On Monday morning he says to her "I am Thor". She replies "you're thor, I can't even pith!"

A joke fit for Viking Fest

Ole was on his death bed. The doctor had told Lena that he wouldn't last the night and he might as well die at home on his own bed. After a while, Ole's eyes flickered open and he sniffed the air and muttered "Lefsa. Oh, Lefsa." He worked his way to the edge of the bed and slipped to the floor. Sn...

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

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In honor of the Vikings/Packers game on Saturday...

How can you tell if a Packers fan is mad at you?

They grit their tooth at you.

A Chicago Bears' fan, a Minnesota Viking's fan, and a Detroit Lions' fan find a genie in a bar...

The 3 fans are sitting at the bar when suddenly, a genie comes out of a bottle of vodka the bartender opens.
[](/sp)
The genie says to the bartender: "Congratulations, you have released me from my prison, and to repay you for that, I shall allow you to make 3 wishes your heart most desires an...

I've decided to join Anytime Fitness

Because I like to dress up as a 12th century Viking Warrior when I work out.

I was digging in the back garden...

.. Whan I came across a horde of viking coins, I was so excited I almost ran in to tell my wife,



Until I remembered why I was digging.

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

Roman soldiers are trained...

...But Vikings are Bjorn.

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Last summer, I traveled to europe for a 2 week vacation..

On the last night, I decided to go to a club for some action. As I approached the entrance, there was nothing more amazing i'd seen in those last 2 weeks than the bouncer. He was buffed up at least 4 inches taller than me, had long hair, a braided beard, hell he looked like a viking. Surprisingly, h...

Ole and Sven go to Hell (long)

One day, Satan was walking through Hell, making sure the souls were properly tormented, until he came upon an unusual sight. Sitting next to a lava pool were Ole and Sven, decked out in parkas, hats, boots and gloves.

Confused, Satan walks up to them and asks them why they're dressed for win...

Vikings kicker Blair Walsh apparently attempted suicide last night.

He ended up being just fine, he was unable to kick the chair out from under him.

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A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde entered into a high-stakes TV culinary contest of the ages...

After the three women finished their cooking procedures, they individually lined up behind the curtain of the main stage and each rolled out a cart with their respective dish. To elaborate, three judges would be grading these women on their cooking capabilities.

When the time came for the pre...

Why do trees in Wisconsin lean south East?

Because the Bears suck and the Vikings blow

Some Minnesotans went to hell.

They were so happy that it was nice and warm there. So, Satan turned the heat down, The Minnesotans then were happy because when hell freezes over, the Minnesota Vikings will win the Super Bowl.

Rudolph the Red

There once was a young Viking named Rudolph the Red and his wife Freydis. Freydis decided to have a walk with her husband, but when she told him of her plans he took one look at the sky grunted and said it was going to rain. Freydis was confused a there were no clouds in the sky. Later on in the day...

Olie v. Devil (a bit long)

Olie dies and goes to hell where he meets the Devil. The Devil says to Olie "Is it hot enough for you Olie?". Olie responds "Well back in Minnesota in June it got alot hotter than this.". So, the Devil goes over and cranks the heat up, and says "Is is hot enough for you now Olie?". Olie says "Well b...

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors.

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors. Tractor bedspread, tractor themed birthday parties, tractor t-shirts, school bags, lunchbox, everything Timmy owned was tractor themed in some way. He knew everything there was to know about tractors; big, small, new, old, he knew it all. When h...

There have been few historical examples of wars with three opposing sides.

One such example occurred in the 11th century, with the three belligerents being the French, the English (Anglos) and the Vikings. The rivalry between each group was quite intense, and unlike other situations, the two weaker groups at the time did not join together to fight the strongest. Instead, t...

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