Where does a viking keep their baby?

In the norsery

What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?

A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.

What do you call a viking who's been bit by a vampire?

Norseferatu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Vikings were the ones that took it upon themselves to spread sexual education to the world around them

*Even if it had to be mandatory*




Which kinda made it a constant pain in the ass

A Viking is arguing with his wife.

"It's definitely hail," says Gertha.

"No, it's rain!" says Rudolf.

"No, it's round and hard, it's hail!" She retorts.

Getting very flustered now, Rudolf shouts "Look! Rudolf the Red knows rain,
dear!"

The Pope, the Packers & the Vikings

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man wearing a Green Bay Packer jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the ja...

What’s a Viking’s favourite social media?

Raid-it

The Minnesota Vikings walk into a bar

To watch the Super Bowl

Wanna here a joke about Vikings?

Never mind, there’s Norway you’d laugh at it.
- my sister

Why were the Vikings such good sailors?

You can lead a Norse to water but you can’t make him sink.

Benny the Bare Faced Viking

Benny was your typical Viking..
Strong, tall, courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one..
See Benny couldn't grow a beard, for all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.
This bothered Benny, because when he was out pillag...

Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone

Or they'll be runed

Where do Vikings go when they get old?

The Norsing home

[OC] My friends and I are starting a disco group. We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.

We call ourselves... The Pillage People.

A viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out of the window during a cloudy night...

He said to his wife, "It is going to rain, my love."

His wife asked how he knew this.

He responded with:
"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

How did vikings send secret messages

By using Norse code

In the old days Vikings went raiding for gold and women...

In the old days Vikings went raiding for gold and women.

Many were the countries where they landed and from each ‘visit’, they always brought back gold and women...until the day they landed in England.

From England they only brought back the gold.

How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?

With a Nor-Ouija board.

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying…..

"I must have taken Leif off my census."

Why don't the Minnesota Vikings eat cereal?

Every time they get close to the bowl, they choke!

Who are the Minnesota Vikings' toughest opponents?

November and December.

What did the Viking say when hanging out his laundry?

"Today is a good day to dry."

What language did the Viking secret service use to communicate in secret?

Norse code.

I don't understand why the Lions and Vikings get to play on thanksgiving.

Shouldn’t the Patriots play the Redskins, and then steal their stadium?

What is a Viking's favorite music?

Ragnarock

My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death

"Jokes on you" I said "if I die in battle I'll go straight to Valhalla"

Some Minnesotans went to hell.

They were so happy that it was nice and warm there. So, Satan turned the heat down, The Minnesotans then were happy because when hell freezes over, the Minnesota Vikings will win the Super Bowl.

Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?

Because of their skills in hacking

Where does a muslim viking go after death

Valhalal

Vikings kicker Blair Walsh apparently attempted suicide last night.

He ended up being just fine, he was unable to kick the chair out from under him.

There was once a viking who believed in reincarnation.

He was hoping that after dying he'd be Bjorn again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hagan pissed off everyone in his Viking village.

Hagan pissed off everyone in his Viking village. One day, the villagers were fed up with his rotten behavior. They grabbed their pitchforks and sickles and ran up the hill to kill the bastard. They get to his house but it’s all locked up. They try peeking in the windows but can’t see a thing. T...

What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?

Barberians.

TIL: Norwegian women are so hot, because vikings only took the most beautiful women as prisoners.

Gotcha ?

Did you hear the one about the Viking who was reincarnated?

He was Bjorn again.

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

A joke fit for Viking Fest

Ole was on his death bed. The doctor had told Lena that he wouldn't last the night and he might as well die at home on his own bed. After a while, Ole's eyes flickered open and he sniffed the air and muttered "Lefsa. Oh, Lefsa." He worked his way to the edge of the bed and slipped to the floor. Sn...

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors.

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors. Tractor bedspread, tractor themed birthday parties, tractor t-shirts, school bags, lunchbox, everything Timmy owned was tractor themed in some way. He knew everything there was to know about tractors; big, small, new, old, he knew it all. When h...

Ole and Sven go to Hell

Ole and Sven, ignoring the -60 degree windchill warnings, froze to death while ice fishing in northern Minnesota and descend to Hell.

Coming to check on his new arrivals from up North, Satan is surprised to find Ole and Sven enjoying themselves, finally removing coats and hats that they've ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Viking God Thor comes to Earth...

and spends all weekend shagging a woman with a harelip. On Monday morning he says to her "I am Thor". She replies "you're thor, I can't even pith!"

What's the difference between a painkiller addict and an Anglo Saxon?

One overtakes Vicodin and the other overtakes a Viking den

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Viking's Talent

A man sees a poster advertising a circus that says:

"World sensation: A viking cuts a walnut in half with his penis!"

He doesn't believe this, so he buys a ticket, goes to the show and there really is a viking who puts a walnut on the table, unzips his pants, pulls out his manhood ...

A Chicago Bears' fan, a Minnesota Viking's fan, and a Detroit Lions' fan find a genie in a bar...

The 3 fans are sitting at the bar when suddenly, a genie comes out of a bottle of vodka the bartender opens.
[](/sp)
The genie says to the bartender: "Congratulations, you have released me from my prison, and to repay you for that, I shall allow you to make 3 wishes your heart most desires an...

I was digging in the back garden...

.. Whan I came across a horde of viking coins, I was so excited I almost ran in to tell my wife,



Until I remembered why I was digging.

Roman soldiers are trained...

...But Vikings are Bjorn.

Ninja Joke

Can a viking throw an axe?
Sure he can.
Can a cowboy throw a lasso?
Sure he can.
Can a ninja throw a spinning blade?
Shuriken.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of the Vikings/Packers game on Saturday...

How can you tell if a Packers fan is mad at you?

They grit their tooth at you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last summer, I traveled to europe for a 2 week vacation..

On the last night, I decided to go to a club for some action. As I approached the entrance, there was nothing more amazing i'd seen in those last 2 weeks than the bouncer. He was buffed up at least 4 inches taller than me, had long hair, a braided beard, hell he looked like a viking. Surprisingly, h...

On the Beauty of Nordic Women...

Question: Why are Nordic women so beautiful?

Answer: Well, the Vikings didn't kidnap the ugly ones...

Rudolph the Red

There once was a young Viking named Rudolph the Red and his wife Freydis. Freydis decided to have a walk with her husband, but when she told him of her plans he took one look at the sky grunted and said it was going to rain. Freydis was confused a there were no clouds in the sky. Later on in the day...

Sven and Ole go to Hell.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.
He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?
Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ...

I've decided to join Anytime Fitness

Because I like to dress up as a 12th century Viking Warrior when I work out.

There have been few historical examples of wars with three opposing sides.

One such example occurred in the 11th century, with the three belligerents being the French, the English (Anglos) and the Vikings. The rivalry between each group was quite intense, and unlike other situations, the two weaker groups at the time did not join together to fight the strongest. Instead, t...

Ole and Sven go to Hell (long)

One day, Satan was walking through Hell, making sure the souls were properly tormented, until he came upon an unusual sight. Sitting next to a lava pool were Ole and Sven, decked out in parkas, hats, boots and gloves.

Confused, Satan walks up to them and asks them why they're dressed for win...

Olie v. Devil (a bit long)

Olie dies and goes to hell where he meets the Devil. The Devil says to Olie "Is it hot enough for you Olie?". Olie responds "Well back in Minnesota in June it got alot hotter than this.". So, the Devil goes over and cranks the heat up, and says "Is is hot enough for you now Olie?". Olie says "Well b...

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