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One Eye Jokes

What did one eye say to the other?

Don't look now but something smells between us.

Two blondes were walking in the park. One blonde says, "Aw! Look at that puppy with only one eye!"

So the other blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

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One Eyed Redhead.

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively...

What's an Oracle with only one eye?

A Monocle.

Drunk: "Hey, Louie! The cat that's coming in the window only has one eye!"

Louie: "The cat's leaving."

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?

Doyouthinkhesaurus

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What do you call a donkey who is always getting up to mischief, is tall and thin, forgot his morning coffee, is handsome and strong, smells really bad, loves country music, has one eye, and three legs?

A hanky-panky, lanky, cranky, spunky, hunky, stinky dinky, honky tonky, winky, wonky donkey!

Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye ...

Told him to use both and he'd probably find him a lot quicker.

What do you call a dog ,with one eye, and one leg?

Lucky
In loving memory of my father who was the biggest jokester, until his very last days, all he wanted to ,do was make others laugh.
He wanted us to put a fart machine in his casket and let them blow, my mom wouldn't allow it...

What has one eye, is round and is usually hung?

A dartboard.

A lot of people with one eye patch were pirates, but why were people with two eye patches never pirates?

Because they can't sea.

There's been 3 murders in the last month and the police are looking for a man with one eye.

If they wanted to find him that desperately, you'd think they will use both eyes.

What has one eye and two asses?

Assassin.

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What do you call a deer with missing one eye?

No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with two eyes missing? Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes or no dick or balls? Still no fucking eye deer.

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?

Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.

What do you call an alien with only one eye?

What do you call an alien with one missing eye?

Alen

(My nephew helped me make this joke up many years ago,
we know the spelling is wrong.)

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A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets home it fucks all of his 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch, the cock again screws all 150 hens. Next day it's fucking the ducks and the geese too

Sadly, later in the day the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead and vultures circling over its head. Farmer yells , "You deserve it, you horny bastard!"

The cock slowly opens one eye, looks up at the sky and whispers , " Shhhhhh, They're about to land!!!"

I have three and a half legs, four arms but only two hands, two noses but only one nostril and one eye. What am I?

ugly

Who do Australians hunt with one eye?

Because a bad eye can’t

But a good-eye-might

What do you call a Passive Aggressive Ogre with one eye?

A Sighcylops.

What did one eye say to the other?

Between us, something smells.

Courtesy of the laffy taffy in my candy bowl. Happy Haloween! :)

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he’s looking for a man with one eye.

but If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.

An Australian drives up to a hitch hiker with one eye, no arms, and one leg

And says "Oi! You look 'armless! 'Op in!"

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him...

LOST DOG - 3 legged - blind in one eye - missing left ear - broken tail - recently castrated

Answers to "LUCKY"

A man suffers from Blepharospasm (constant, uncontrollable winking) in one eye...

he complains to a friend that it gives him the most awful head aches. His friend asks, why don't you just get some aspirin from the pharmacy. He replies, I do, but every time I ask the pharmacist for an aspirin he gives me a packet of condoms.

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A Pirate Joke that doesn't end with "ARRRR."

A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?"

"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were ...

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

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What do you call a dinosaur with one eye ?

A dinosaur, what else would you call it, you sick fuck, what's wrong with you, making fun of the disabled?

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My grandfather told me he closed one eye whenever he saw a jew in the good old days...

He was a sniper

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