The 45+ Best One Arm Jokes

If a guy with only one arm speaks sign language,

is it a speech impediment or an accent?

I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store

I was like "You're not going to find what you're looking for"

What has four legs and one arm?

A doberman at a children's playground.

How do you get a boy with only one arm down from a tree?

you wave

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[long] A man with one arm wanted to jump off a bridge to end his life...

...when questioned why by pedestrians, he exclaimed "I can't do it anymore, I'm sick of being disadvantaged, I'm always so unhappy!"

A pedestrian pointed out another man further down the bridge, who had no arms, and had drawn a crowd dancing - "look, it can't be that bad. See how happy that g...

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

The police are looking for a man with one arm named Luke.

What's the name of the other arm?

I got served by a one armed waiter the other day

You have to hand it to him

There was a violinist with only one arm…

…he played by ear.

Q: What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A: A speech impediment.

A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...

The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.

The waiter responds, “I assure you it’s not. In the morning he makes donuts.”

Me and my one arm girlfriend went shopping together and passed a second hand store. She asked if we could go in.

I told her she won’t find what she’s looking for.

Kelly hobbled in to the bar on a crutch with one arm in a cast.

“My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked.

“I got in a tiff with Riley.”

“Riley? He's just a wee fellow" the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did" Kelly said, “A shovel it was.”

“Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in y...

I was talking via sign language with a one armed man…

Problem is I was only getting half of what he was saying.

Thought this up yesterday on a camping trip when my daughter was showing me what she learned at preschool.

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.

It's shift work.

I saw a bloke with one arm and one leg was about to be hanged.

I started shouting out letters.

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Man with one arm.

Once upon a time there was a man who had lost his arm in a car accident. Losing his arm made him lose his job and made him very sad . He looked for work everywhere but he was not able to find and this made him very depressed. He tried to take his life one day by jumping off a building. Looking down...

The woman across the street only has one arm. My wife says I shouldn't call her bandit because her name is Debbie.

Who ever heard of a "one-armed Debbie?"

My son just told me the school security guard got fired and the new one has only one arm.

He asked, "How will he be able to break up fights with only one arm?"

I replied, "Single-handedly."

"Guess who has one arm and forgot which one it was?"

*\*Wiggles empty stump\**
**THIS GUY!**

What is it called when a one armed person waves at you?

Jazz hand

What do you call an old sound technician with one arm?

Mono.

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(The joke from "The Breakfast Club" that was never finished.) A naked woman walks into a bar with a female poodle under one arm and a six-foot salami under the other.

The bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink," to which the woman responds, "I sure as hell do, after what happened to me." The bartender, of course, asks what happened, and the woman says, "My boyfriend and I went up to my room when he said that he would pound his favorite bitch with...

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under one arm and says,

“A beer please, and one for the road,”

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A butler is cleaning one of the guest rooms in a mansion when the lady of the house walks in.

She fixes him with an imperious gaze and cocks one arm on her hip "Charles," she says, "take off my dress."

The butler swallows hard, but he knows his duty. He puts his hands on the buttons of her dress and starts to undo them, one by one. More and more skin is revealed until finally,...

A one-armed eldery man and his wife step into a restaurant in Paris

The man orders a steak while his wife goes for a salad. The waiter sees the man struggle with his steak, as he only has one arm. The waiter feels bad for the man, but doesn't want to ask him if everything is alright because he might embarrase the man. At one point the man leaves the table to go to t...

A disabled man rolls into a bar with one leg and one arm...

Disabled Man: "I bought my first house today!"

Bartender: "How much did it cost?"

Disabled Man: "A lot!"

A man goes into a pub with a chicken under one arm and biscuit tin full of holes under the other...

The bartender tells him "You can't bring that in here."

The man replies- "I think you'll change your mind about that once you've seen what it can do. In fact, you'll probably want to buy her."

The bar was quiet at that particular time of day- so the bartender humours him to see what he...

One armed drummer tells a dad joke,

Badum...

What happens when a calculus teacher with one arm can't figure out a proof?

He gets stumped.

How did the one armed man say grace?

Rub a dub dub, thanks for for the nub.

What has only one arm and can't swim?

An excavator.

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Last week I performed for a one armed man..

He was a right miserable bastard. Seriously. I threw my absolute best at him and the fucker still wouldn't clap.

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A man walks into a pub with an ostrich under one arm and a cat under the other...

When he approaches the bar to order a pint the cat says “I’m not paying, I’m not paying, I’m not paying!”

After the third pint with the cat refusing to pay the bar tender asks “What’s with the ostrich and the cat?”

The man replies annoyed “It’s your bloody pub, The Wishing Well. I thre...

One armed butlers...

They can take it but they can't dish it out.

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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

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For those of you that never heard an ending to Bender's joke from the movie The Breakfast Club.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says "as a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off af...

A guy with one arm is sick of life.....

A guy with one arm is sick of life, he tries to get a job but no one hires him. He can't get himself a girl friend. Everyone he knows picks on him and laughs at him. He feels really down. Eventually he decides enough is enough and decides to take his own life.

He goes to the roof of the tall...

In a world with no weapons, the one armed man . . .

Could still have a better punchline than this.

I need to find a one armed lawyer...

I’m tired of them saying “On the one hand” and then “On the other hand.”

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I used to work with this black lady who had one arm and one leg...

...we called her Elbony

What is yellow, has one arm and can't swim?

- an excavator

Do you think that's funny?
Well, the excavator operator doesn't

I ran into a one armed fisherman

I asked if he had any luck. He said "yea caught one this big"

This joke works better in person.

I ran into a buddy in town earlier today. He only has one arm God bless him, lost it in Iraq.

Anyway I asked him where he was off to.

"To change a light bulb" he replies.

"Won't that be difficult?" I ask.

"Nah" he says, "I've still got the receipt".

A farmer walks into his bedroom with a pig under one arm.

He looks at his wife in bed and says,
"Well, this is the cow i've been sleeping with for the last 5 years."

"I think you'll find that's a pig", she replies.

To which the farmer says,

"I think you'll find i was talking to the pig."

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