UPJOKE
timelywhileonceearlywhensimultaneitypunctualephemerahoursimultaneouslytimewavebeforehandmomenttime billalways

On Time Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW]I Was Surprised When My deadbeat roommate actually had rent money on time

"Yeah, man, I got a job."

"Doing what?," I asked.

"I hang out in the alley and give blow jobs."

"Sounds like a hard way to make money."

"Nah, man, my very first night I made $300.05"

I scoffed, "Who paid you a nickel?"

He said, "They all did."

I once bought a best-selling book on time management.

But I never had time to read it.

how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”

One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”

Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”

Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charles, I have to tel...

If you don't pay exorcists on time...

They'll repossess your house!

A man ran into the station and asked me, “Excuse me sir, but is the train running on time?”

Me: No. it’s running on electricity.

How do the riot police get to work on time?

By beating the crowd

I have a joke on time travel.

But I won't post it here. You guys didn't like it.

Why didn’t the cow make it to the sale barn on time?

Hereford broke down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is speeding to get to work on time.

A man is speeding to get to work on time. Once he gets to the bridge he passes every day he sees a cop who has his speed radar gun aimed right at him. Fuck. The cop quickly turns his siren on and pulls the man over.

Cop: "Is there a reason you were speeding today, sir?"
Man: "Yes offi...

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

I wanted to do a joke on time travel...

But I'm too lazy, I'll do it yesterday

Why do dragons never finish anything on time?

bc they like to drag on and on.

Why was the psychedelic dyslexic never on time for meet-ups?

He kept overdoing it with mind-latering substances.

A man rented an uber and and the cabbie arrived exactly on time

The passenger said: "wow you are so punctual just like frank"
Cabbie: excuse me?

Passenger: frank is a great guy, always on time, knows the best restaurants, wear the best clothes, always keeps his promises and never ever treat his family badly.

Cabbie: so is frank your friend or......

My second wife never really was on time for anything

She would just Anne Boleyn

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm afraid our fetish-friendly sex robot won't be ready on time.

We haven't worked out all the kinks yet.

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say "vest day ever" like a million times.

Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn't as invested as they were.

What did the first egg tell the second egg when it didn't make it on time?

Omelette

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pay your dues on time...

Legend says that one of the Mogul King Akbar’s wives, Mariam, was a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Raja Todermal was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Raja Todermal revea...

You can wear pants or you can be on time...

but you can't do both.

- sayeth my dad

My professor decided to give me individual lessons as punishment for always being late. I was instructed to arrive half an hour before class started. “Remember”, he said, “if you’re on time, you’re late, but if you’re early, you’re on time”.

The next morning, I dashed straight to class, making it there exactly a half hour before class started, and unsure if this counted as being late.

“I’m here professor, what’s the lesson about?”, I asked.


“Well, it’s about time.”

What did the Mexican pilot say to make the flight take off on time?

UNDELAY UNDELAY

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up late and has to speed to get to work on time...

He's flying down the highway, doing 90 in a 60. He approaches an overpass and sees a cop above running radar. The man thinks to.m himself, "shit".

Sure enough, lights and sirens and the cop is pulling him over. He officer approaches the car and asks the man, "Sir, do you know why I pulled yo...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.