How do the riot police get to work on time?

By beating the crowd

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A man is speeding to get to work on time.

A man is speeding to get to work on time. Once he gets to the bridge he passes every day he sees a cop who has his speed radar gun aimed right at him. Fuck. The cop quickly turns his siren on and pulls the man over.

Cop: "Is there a reason you were speeding today, sir?"
Man: "Yes offi...

One single day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was handed a letter and thought to myself..

.. this isn't for me.

Charles, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.

Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charles, I have to tel...

Why were the Soviets always on time

Cuz they’re rushin’

I have a joke on time travel.

But I won't post it here. You guys didn't like it.

A man rented an uber and and the cabbie arrived exactly on time

The passenger said: "wow you are so punctual just like frank"
Cabbie: excuse me?

Passenger: frank is a great guy, always on time, knows the best restaurants, wear the best clothes, always keeps his promises and never ever treat his family badly.

Cabbie: so is frank your friend or......

People get upset when their Amazon packages don't arrive on time...

But I'm still waiting on the package I was supposed to receive during puberty.

Why was the psychedelic dyslexic never on time for meet-ups?

He kept overdoing it with mind-latering substances.

I wanted to do a joke on time travel...

But I'm too lazy, I'll do it yesterday

What did the first egg tell the second egg when it didn't make it on time?

Omelette

What treat is never on time?

Choco-Late.

Why do dragons never finish anything on time?

bc they like to drag on and on.

how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”

One company owner asks another: “Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?”

Bill replies: “Easy. 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.”

What short fellow is always on time?

The metrognome .

My second wife never really was on time for anything

She would just Anne Boleyn

My professor decided to give me individual lessons as punishment for always being late. I was instructed to arrive half an hour before class started. “Remember”, he said, “if you’re on time, you’re late, but if you’re early, you’re on time”.

The next morning, I dashed straight to class, making it there exactly a half hour before class started, and unsure if this counted as being late.

“I’m here professor, what’s the lesson about?”, I asked.


“Well, it’s about time.”

Why did the Ancient Egyptians always make it to school on time?

Because they had Anubis

I just don’t understand why these 16 year old guys can’t show up for work on time...

Based on my other experiences with them I assumed they’d always come early.

What did the Mexican pilot say to make the flight take off on time?

UNDELAY UNDELAY

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I'm afraid our fetish-friendly sex robot won't be ready on time.

We haven't worked out all the kinks yet.

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A man wakes up late and has to speed to get to work on time...

He's flying down the highway, doing 90 in a 60. He approaches an overpass and sees a cop above running radar. The man thinks to.m himself, "shit".

Sure enough, lights and sirens and the cop is pulling him over. He officer approaches the car and asks the man, "Sir, do you know why I pulled yo...

You can wear pants or you can be on time...

but you can't do both.

- sayeth my dad

What did Cinderella say when her photos didn't arrive on time?

One day my prints will come.

What do you call a Chinese who is always on time?

Tai Mingh

I told the funeral director I’m not sure if I’ll make it to the wake on time

Remains to be seen.

Make sure to pay your Exorcist on time, because otherwise...

...They'll repossess your home.

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Pay your dues on time...

Legend says that one of the Mogul King Akbar’s wives, Mariam, was a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Raja Todermal was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Raja Todermal revea...

What do you call a Sasquatch that is never on time?

Not Yeti

I have some frilly pants. They are never on time. It's OK, though...

They're late bloomers

What did the table fan say to his boss when he couldn't get to work on time?

Ah-so-late!

Why do Communist Dictators have trouble getting their work done on time?

They're way too into Stalin

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Why bakers are good at sex?

They always pull out on time

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, th...

three men were sitting in a prison in moscow

they discuss why they were arrested
the first one says ”I showed up ten minutes late to work and was arrested for sabotage”
the second one says “I showed up five minutes early to work and was arrested for espionage”
the third one says “I showed up to work on time and was arrested for ownin...

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A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy went ...

An English woman finds out her husband is cheating on her

She is distraught, fueled by anger - so much so that she decides the only course of action is to have him killed. In her grief, she contacts and old friend who works amongst the criminal underbelly of London. He recommends she seek out a specific hitman, known in the business as Big Artie. He is eff...

A member of our church choir arrives every Sunday morning with her seven children in tow….

all a bit rumpled but never the less on time.

Scarcely able to get my one child ready, I asked her how she managed her brood so efficiently.

"Easy," she replied with a smile. "I dress them the night before."

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

I love my FedEx guy

cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it — and he's always on time.

There's this new guy on my bowling team. His name is Frank, and he's a really nice guy and an excellent bowler, but there's just one thing about him.

At the end of every game, Frank says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late." The rest of us guys find it really annoying. He almost always shows up right on time, but still, he always says, "Next game, I might be five minutes late."

One day we decided that we wanted to find out why he alw...

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