Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the d...

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After 15 years of marriage, the husband suggests to his wife that they should invent a little code for when she wants sex so he doesn't have to read her mind at bedtime.

Laying in bed one night he says "So, if you want sex, pull my dick once, if you don't want sex, pull my dick one hundred and sixty-nine times."

Mrs. Patel was reading little Rajinder a bedtime story. He asked, "what will I be when I grow up?" She replied, "you can be anything you want to be."

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, you can be anything you want to be. You can be a cardiologist, radiologist, anesthesiologist, neurologist...."

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A man is heading to bed when he suddenly hears his kid whining for a bedtime story.

The kid's 14, clearly supposed to have grown out of it, but yet he hasn't. The kid's screaming, demanding, whining, and it's absolute hell. Finally, the dad's had enough.

He rushes to his son's room and sits down on the bed. He starts the story, "Son, I'm going to tell you a story with a mora...

An old washing machine

Husband is walking behind his wife and says "your bottom is getting so big it looks like an old washing machine."
The wife keeps quiet and keeps walking.
Bedtime comes around, the husband starts getting amorous.
Wife says "I'm not starting the old washing machine for such a small load. Yo...

Bedtime joke

One night I tucked my son in bed, and he wanted me to tell him a joke.

“Tell you what, let’s each try to think up a word that starts with ‘F’ and ends with ‘uck.’” His eyes widen to the size of saucers.

“Let’s see,” I continue... “I’ve got ‘Firetruck,’ what do you got?”

“Grandpa,tell me a bedtime story.”

“Have you ever heard of the Tragedy of Darth Plagueis the Wise?”

I told my daughter, "Go to bed. The cows are in the field."

Puzzled, she asked, "What's that got to do with anything?"

I told her, "That means it's pasture bedtime!"

What do cows tell each other at bedtime?

Dairy tales!

What do you call it when 2 seniors stay up past their bedtimes?

An election.

A bedtime story (an atheist perspective)

Son: please continue yesterday's story.

Dad: So the prince had to answer this question using only 3 words, to become the next king. The question was "what would you ask if you meet God?" And the prince replied...

Dad: Are you listening?

Once there was an inflatable boy who lived in an inflatable house with his inflatable parents.

Every morning when the inflatable alarm rang, he would leap out of his inflatable bed and into the inflatable shower, then when he was dressed he would go and sit at the inflatable table in the kitchen to eat his inflatable breakfast, and then run off and catch the inflatable bus to his inflatable s...

Why did the meatballs tell the spaghetti to go to sleep?

It was pasta bedtime.

My bedtime is 9:11pm...

So I never forget.

My friend asked if I could help him write a bedtime story for his kids.

I thought "what a novel idea".

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

A young farm couple, Homer and Daisy, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love.

When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.

Fi...

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A deaf couple get married

A few months into their marriage, they realise their sex life isn’t going too well because they can’t communicate in the dark when they turn the lights out for bedtime, so they decide to make a pact.

The wife says to her husband ‘if you want to have sex, just touch my right breast once and if...

When I was young, at bedtimes...

My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the
benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.

It was bedtime at Micheal Jackson’s house

Wade didn’t want to go to bed so MJ said ok how about I show you a magic trick first, will you go to bed after?
Wade agreed
They had a shower and sat on the edge of the bed in their gowns.
MJ Said ok now for the magic trick, come here and sit on my lap...
Young Wade sits on his lap. <...

What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?

"It's pasture bedtime."

A single mother from a rough estate had seven boys, all called Wayne, all from different fathers, the local news went to interview her...

So why did you call them all Wayne?

Easy, when its dinner I just shout 'Wayne dinnertime' and they all come in for dinner, when it's late and time for them to go to bed I just shout 'Wayne bedtime' and off they all go to bed!

That's ingenious, says the interviewer, but what how do you ...

Why didn't the cow laugh at my joke?

He wasn't very amoosed because it was udderly lacking in humor, he had herd it before, it wasn't very mooving, it was cheesy and I milked the punchline a bit too much. Definitely wasn't moosic to his ears.
He still gave me a pat on the back though, which put me in a better moood.

I was at...

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Yes I get all the cool numbers- 420 is a weed thing, 69 is a sex thing...

and 9:45 is bedtime.

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A businessman breaks down on the side of a country road...

Along his trip to the big city a businessman's car breaks down on a long stretch of country road. As he exits his car he finds no mechanic shops or gas stations along the road and his phone is out of the service area. Luckily a farmer on a tractor stopped by and offered his support.

Farmer: ...

How do you know it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

Because the big hand is touching the little hand.

I ate a load of of licorice at bedtime and had some very strange nightmares.

What were you dreaming about?



All sorts.

A father was telling his son a bedtime story

“Once upon a time , there was a tortoise and a hare. The hare was boastful and bragged that he was the fastest of all the creatures. The tortoise then decided to challenge the hare to a race. So the two set a course, and the race began. The hare ran as fast as he could.....”

“Sorry Dad, but I...

I wake up happy, slowly get angrier, then eventually start lightening up and by bedtime I've come full circle and am happy one again

I've got pi-polar disorder

One night the Pope is saying his bedtime prayers...

...when God Himself comes down from heaven to listen to them. Then, sitting on the Pope's bed, He says, "Listen, you've been such a good Pope and devoted follower that I'm going to grant any wish you'd like."
The Pope is overcome with emotion, and for a little while he can't think of anythin...

My son is having sleep problems.

Just before bedtime I told him about this tiny wicked creature that creeps into children’s bedrooms and collects their bones.

My wife got super mad, it’s like she wanted to tell him about the tooth fairy too or something.

My personal trainer told me to drink a protein shake everyday at 3 in the morning.

But that's whey past my bedtime.

Many years ago I had stopped in to bring my girlfriend...

.....some pizza while she was babysitting.

We received a call that her grandmother had been taken to the hospital, so I agreed to watch the children, so she could meet her family at the hospital.

Well, the parents were at a movie and these were the days before cell phones, so I couldn’...

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Little Johnny's Thanksgiving

It was thanksgiving eve and Little Johnny was in his room, when he heard his dad shout from the living room,

"These Bitches and Bastards!", Johnny ran out and asked, "Daddy what are bitches and bastards?"
"Oh that's a nice way of saying ladies and gentleman."

So Johnny went back to...

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A woman told her husband to go to the doctor because he couldn't get an erection.

He came home with a bottle of pills.

His wife asked, "So, did he give you Viagra or Cialis?"
The husband replied, "Neither, he gave me really strong diet pills."
His wife responded, "That's weird, why would you have to take diet pills?"

Handing her the bottle, the man say...

A woman goes to the priest

And says: I have a problem, I fight with my husband nonstop. When ever he comes home we immediately start fighting.
The priest then said: Take this glass of holy water, and when your husband comes home you just take a sip and don’t swallow till bedtime.
Legend says they don’t fight no more.

Recent study shows leading cause of dehydration in children:

Bedtime.

Goodnight Mom, goodnight dad.

A father was tucking his youngest daughter to bed one night after he finished reading her daily bedtime story. Just as he finally kissed her on the forehead, she said - "Goodnight Mom, goodnight Dad, goodbye forever Grandpappy"

The father was a little disturbed by the last part but shook it o...

I walked past a field of cows at 3 AM and saw that they were all wide awake.

I said, "Surely it's pasture bedtime?"

A father regularly tells bedtime stories for his son

One day, the son asks the father if he could finally choose the book he wanted his father to read for him. The father reluctantly agreed and the son points to a book with a clock on the cover. The father immediately puts away the book, saying that he was saving it for later on.

Months pass wh...

A man was having trouble getting his wife to make love to him anymore

So one night just before bedtime, he offered her a glass of water and two aspirins.

“What are you giving me these for?”, asked the wife. “I don’t have a headache.”

“Great!” said the man. “Let’s get started.”

A Classic!

A ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis, but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.

After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in af...

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Some Jimmy Carr jokes:

"Dwarves... are often overlooked. Tell you what I know about dwarves... very little. I can say that, they look up to me."

"A nurse looks at a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, 'some asshole's got my pen'."

"Spiders used to give me nightmares, so what I've done was stop eatin...

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I only read books when I'm having a shit...

Which is probably the reason why my daughter doesn't ask me for a bedtime story.

A couple's young son...

...accidentally sees his father having fun with the maid. He runs to his mother and tells her what he saw. The mother gets extremely angry, but decides to have a little fun of her own and instructs her son not to tell anything until she says so.

A few days later it's the grandma's birthday, t...

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house the week before Christmas.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.

The younger boy began praying at the top of his voice. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE!"

the older brother leaned over and nudged his younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

"...

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A husband was unhappy with his wife's recent figure after giving birth to their firstborn child.....

........Just weeks after returning home from the hospital, the husband was walking behind his wife and remarked, "Your bottom is getting so big, it looks like an old washing machine."

The wife kept quiet and refused to dignify his comment with a response at the time.

When bedtime came...

Display of courage in House of Leaves.

From "Tom's Story", *House of Leaves*:

I call this "A Little Bedtime Story For Tom."

A long time ago, there was this captain and he was out sailing the high seas when one of his crew spotted a pirate ship on the horizon. Right before the battle began, the captain cried out, "Bring me m...

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[My favorite] So the parents call in a babysitter

She arrives to find the boy she is to take care of crying. Bending down she ask the boy "what's wrong?" the boy then responds "I lost my teddy bear" "Oh i can be your teddy bear" she replies and, the boy agrees. The parents leave and, time passes. "Bedtime!" the boy responds "but, I cant sleep with ...

Jesse

So Trump is standing next to Jesse Jackson in the west wing restroom at the urinals. Trump glances down "And says "Wow how did it get so long?" Jesse says "My ancestors would take it out every day and knock it against a tree to make it long and limber. These days I just knock it against the bedpost ...

Child's Wisdom

"A little girl was sitting on her grandfather s lap as he read her a bedtime story.From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up
to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.Finally she spoke up, Grandpa, did God make you?  Yes...

Little Johnny was having trouble with school...

Little Johnny was having trouble with school and his parents just didn't know what to do. They tried giving him private tutors, remedial classes, and even sent him to a summer boarding school.

Nothing seemed to work and as a final act of desperation, they sent him to their local Catholic Scho...

The Priest & The Frog...

"One fine sunny morning, the Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool."

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest."

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fi...

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