A woman goes to the priest

And says: I have a problem, I fight with my husband nonstop. When ever he comes home we immediately start fighting.
The priest then said: Take this glass of holy water, and when your husband comes home you just take a sip and don’t swallow till bedtime.
Legend says they don’t fight no more.

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.

He asks her - why did you say that?

I don't know, I just felt like saying it.

The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.

A month later at bedtim...

What did the mother cow say to her baby cow?

Its pasture bedtime.

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The story of Mr. Smiley….

There was a nice family of three, a mother, a daughter, and a father. Occasionally, the mother and father would go out on date nights, leaving their daughter at home with a babysitter. The parents would always get a female babysitter, but one day they couldn’t find any female babysitters in the ar...

Why did the meatballs tell the spaghetti to go to sleep?

It was pasta bedtime.

Q: Why won’t my dad read me bedtime stories?

A: Dead men tell no tales.

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A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?

Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.

Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.

Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac....

A child was sent to jail for staying up past his bedtime

He got charged with resisting arrest.

My son is having sleep problems.

Just before bedtime I told him about this tiny wicked creature that creeps into children’s bedrooms and collects their bones.

My wife got super mad, it’s like she wanted to tell him about the tooth fairy too or something.

Chuck Norris once challenged Keanu Reeves to a fight.

Before Chuck could land a punch, Keanu put Chuck to sleep by treating him out to a nice dinner, a couple glasses of wine, and read him a bedtime story.

A husbsnd and wife are out walking

The husband is trailing behind the wife when he says "your bottom is so big it looks like an old washing machine"

His wife kept quiet and Carried on walking

Bedtime comes around and the husband starts to feel amorous

The wife says "I'm not starting the old washing machine for su...

The Priest and the Frog.

One fine sunny morning, the irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine ...

I ate a load of of licorice at bedtime and had some very strange nightmares.

What were you dreaming about?



All sorts.

It was bedtime at Micheal Jackson’s house

Wade didn’t want to go to bed so MJ said ok how about I show you a magic trick first, will you go to bed after?
Wade agreed
They had a shower and sat on the edge of the bed in their gowns.
MJ Said ok now for the magic trick, come here and sit on my lap...
Young Wade sits on his lap. <...

Recent study shows leading cause of dehydration in children:

Bedtime.

Why didn't the cow laugh at my joke?

He wasn't very amoosed because it was udderly lacking in humor, he had herd it before, it wasn't very mooving, it was cheesy and I milked the punchline a bit too much. Definitely wasn't moosic to his ears. He still gave me a pat on the back though, which put me in a better moood.

I was at a j...

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A deaf couple get married

A few months into their marriage, they realise their sex life isn’t going too well because they can’t communicate in the dark when they turn the lights out for bedtime, so they decide to make a pact.

The wife says to her husband ‘if you want to have sex, just touch my right breast once and if...

How do you know when its bedtime at michael Jackson's house?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

A bedtime story (an atheist perspective)

Son: please continue yesterday's story.

Dad: So the prince had to answer this question using only 3 words, to become the next king. The question was "what would you ask if you meet God?" And the prince replied...

Dad: Are you listening?

Goodnight Mom, goodnight dad.

A father was tucking his youngest daughter to bed one night after he finished reading her daily bedtime story. Just as he finally kissed her on the forehead, she said - "Goodnight Mom, goodnight Dad, goodbye forever Grandpappy"

The father was a little disturbed by the last part but shook it o...

When I was young, at bedtimes...

My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the
benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.

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A man is heading to bed when he suddenly hears his kid whining for a bedtime story.

The kid's 14, clearly supposed to have grown out of it, but yet he hasn't. The kid's screaming, demanding, whining, and it's absolute hell. Finally, the dad's had enough.

He rushes to his son's room and sits down on the bed. He starts the story, "Son, I'm going to tell you a story with a mora...

Why did the macaroni leave the party?

It was pasta his bedtime.

My personal trainer told me to drink a protein shake everyday at 3 in the morning.

But that's whey past my bedtime.

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A businessman breaks down on the side of a country road...

Along his trip to the big city a businessman's car breaks down on a long stretch of country road. As he exits his car he finds no mechanic shops or gas stations along the road and his phone is out of the service area. Luckily a farmer on a tractor stopped by and offered his support.

Farmer: ...

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I only read books when I'm having a shit...

Which is probably the reason why my daughter doesn't ask me for a bedtime story.

A father was telling his son a bedtime story

“Once upon a time , there was a tortoise and a hare. The hare was boastful and bragged that he was the fastest of all the creatures. The tortoise then decided to challenge the hare to a race. So the two set a course, and the race began. The hare ran as fast as he could.....”

“Sorry Dad, but I...

Many years ago I had stopped in to bring my girlfriend...

.....some pizza while she was babysitting.

We received a call that her grandmother had been taken to the hospital, so I agreed to watch the children, so she could meet her family at the hospital.

Well, the parents were at a movie and these were the days before cell phones, so I couldn’...

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Little Johnny's Thanksgiving

It was thanksgiving eve and Little Johnny was in his room, when he heard his dad shout from the living room,

"These Bitches and Bastards!", Johnny ran out and asked, "Daddy what are bitches and bastards?"
"Oh that's a nice way of saying ladies and gentleman."

So Johnny went back to...

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

I wake up happy, slowly get angrier, then eventually start lightening up and by bedtime I've come full circle and am happy one again

I've got pi-polar disorder

Child's Wisdom

"A little girl was sitting on her grandfather s lap as he read her a bedtime story.From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up
to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.Finally she spoke up, Grandpa, did God make you?  Yes...

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house the week before Christmas.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.

The younger boy began praying at the top of his voice. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE!"

the older brother leaned over and nudged his younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

"...

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Some Jimmy Carr jokes:

"Dwarves... are often overlooked. Tell you what I know about dwarves... very little. I can say that, they look up to me."

"A nurse looks at a rectal thermometer in her pocket and thinks, 'some asshole's got my pen'."

"Spiders used to give me nightmares, so what I've done was stop eatin...

Little Timmy was struggling very hard with his math classes

Little Timmy was struggling very hard with his math classes. His parents did everything and anything to help their son...private tutors, teacher meetings, and even asking the local Asian kid. Nothing worked.

Finally, in a last ditch effort they enrolled him into a small Catholic school to...

I walked past a field of cows at 3 AM and saw that they were all wide awake.

I said, "Surely it's pasture bedtime?"

A father regularly tells bedtime stories for his son

One day, the son asks the father if he could finally choose the book he wanted his father to read for him. The father reluctantly agreed and the son points to a book with a clock on the cover. The father immediately puts away the book, saying that he was saving it for later on.

Months pass wh...

My friend asked if I could help him write a bedtime story for his kids.

I thought "what a novel idea".

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A husband was unhappy with his wife's recent figure after giving birth to their firstborn child.....

........Just weeks after returning home from the hospital, the husband was walking behind his wife and remarked, "Your bottom is getting so big, it looks like an old washing machine."

The wife kept quiet and refused to dignify his comment with a response at the time.

When bedtime came...

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The Purple Gorilla - Very long, please bear with me

A traveler was driving down a country road, when all of a sudden his car stopped. He got out and looked for the problem, but couldn't find it. Ahead he spotted a cozy looking farm house with a barn attached. He thought to himself, "I'll go ask if I can spend the night there."

The traveler wal...

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[My favorite] So the parents call in a babysitter

She arrives to find the boy she is to take care of crying. Bending down she ask the boy "what's wrong?" the boy then responds "I lost my teddy bear" "Oh i can be your teddy bear" she replies and, the boy agrees. The parents leave and, time passes. "Bedtime!" the boy responds "but, I cant sleep with ...

Little Johnny was having trouble with school...

Little Johnny was having trouble with school and his parents just didn't know what to do. They tried giving him private tutors, remedial classes, and even sent him to a summer boarding school.

Nothing seemed to work and as a final act of desperation, they sent him to their local Catholic Scho...

Display of courage in House of Leaves.

From "Tom's Story", *House of Leaves*:

I call this "A Little Bedtime Story For Tom."

A long time ago, there was this captain and he was out sailing the high seas when one of his crew spotted a pirate ship on the horizon. Right before the battle began, the captain cried out, "Bring me m...

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